Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers Ep6. England out, Starmer out, School's out.

Episode Date: July 24, 2026

The Dead Ringers team train their vocal firepower on the week’s news. This week: England are out of the World Cup, Starmer is out of office, and Katherine Jenkins has a potty mouth.Starring Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis Macleod, Duncan Wisbey and Jess Robinson.Produced by: Jon Holmes Executive Producer:James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Giulia Lopes MazzuA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

You join me pitchside with Harry Kane. All right, Kelly. What, yeah. Harry, you must be disappointed. Argentina 2-1, England out at semi-final stage again. Yeah, you know, totally gutted for the lads. They gave everything, really, you know. Of course, it'd be very easy to criticise the manager.

Great, so let's do that. Yeah, you know, to be fair, Kelly, we did have a strategy. What strategy? Right. Score a goal and then surrender. It's a traditional strategy that served us so well down the years. I mean, if anyone had any doubts about the gaffer before, at least with this game, Tuchel proved himself to be a proper England manager. A name Tuchel can stand in the pantheon of failure

alongside Southgate, Hodgson and Taylor. Come off the tactical blunders and in Epsom. substitutions. These bywords for letdown will stand in history for all time as a sacred pledge to all back home that we are England, that footballing throne of donkeys, that septic aisle, this knacket-plot, this ass, this England. It's a recurring nightmare. I'm true, and here.

Ringers. Welcome to Sunday with Laura Coonsburg. It's like Sunday brunch, only with MPs instead of potato rochies. On Monday, Andy Burnham will become the new Prime Minister, and he joins me in the studio now. Good morning, Laura, it's great to be here, and can I add, in a separate, devolved, northern greeting, a-up, love, how's the fettling?

Mr. Burnham, you are about to become our seventh Prime Minister in a decade. Isn't this country crying out for stability? Absolutely. Laura, we have a political culture that builds its PMs up and then knocks them down very quickly. But I am confident that I can break that cycle. Well, of course you are, because you are the most charismatic and brilliant figure in British political history. A sort of Churchill meets Obama and the answer to all our prayers. We love you, Andy.

Well, I'm not sure to accept your premise there, Laura. Although there are already rumblings that you've not exactly hit the ground running. Obviously, I'm working with my team. many commentators say the early stages of your leadership have been distinctly disappointing. Laura, I'm not actually Prime Minister yet. Mr Burnham, how much longer do you seriously expect the British public to wait for the major improvements in their lives

that you have promised to deliver? Hang on, hang on, I really don't... You're weak, you're incompetent, you've completely lost the confidence of your own MPs. Isn't it inevitable you'll have to resign? Why would I resign? An opinion poll, published in the last four seconds, has revealed that you are now the most despised Prime Minister. in all of the Korean history.

Sorry, now, I'm not quite sure. But the love of God, you ridiculous, appalling, disgusting wretch, when will you do the honourable thing and stand down? Okay, fine. I quit. But I do so with my head held high, because I believe I am leaving this country's buses

in a better place than when I'm bound. And so as Andy Burnham leaves the TV studio now for the final time, I wonder if some will reflect on how he's been treated by a British media that's become so addicted to Westminster gossip and intrigue it's made this country ungovernable. We can but hope.

Right, get bin-facing here. Now Coonsburg needs to feed again. I was glad this night on the pits. Sadly, I'm just hearing that the pips over on Radio 4 have been sacked. As part of the BBC's cost-cutting measures, very, very sad. although they've now got their own show on Greatest Hitch Radio. Terrific news. Now the COVID inquiry report into dodgy PPE has been damning.

It found that the government wasted 10 billion pounds on substandard masks and gowns and at least 100,000 pounds on a substandard Matt Hancock. I'm delighted to say he's not here with me, but in less good fortune, I'm joined by... Goofy, Goofy, Goofy, Goofy. The former Tory minister and now editor of the Beano... Michael Gove. It's the spectator, actually, Jeremy, not the Beano.

Sorry, it's just my little joke. Say it again, and I'll get you with my catapult, Yaru. So, PPE, what do you think of the findings? Well, I'm sorry, Jeremy, but I refuse to be criticised for making a VIP Fath Lane to award contracts to my talk. That's how I roll. I am what I am, and what I am is a big sleazy slug thing. Well, hang on a minute. Whilst Baroness Hallett did find that mistakes were made, she found no evidence of corruption. She found what? No evidence of corruption at all.

How dare she? How dare she accuse me of not being corrupt? So rude. I take this very personally, you know, after all the years I've spent building up a reputation. as a devious scumbag. This makes me so mad. I've got a good mind to inflate my cheeks and squirt ink in her face. But Mr. Gave, you're off the hook. No, I won't accept it. The public know the truth. They know the real me. You believe I'm a wrong and don't you, Jeremy. Please say I'm a weasel. No, corruption failed. Not listening. No, no, no. Make it stop. But they did find you utterly inept. I'll take it. Thank you, Jeremy. And just for that, here. Have a five million pound P. Peapea contract. Michael Gave, thank you. This is BBC Radio 2.

Now here's Creep by Radiohead. Hello, I'm Gary Lineker, and welcome to the rest is football. So it's World Cup despair, and not just for Netflix accountants when they run the final numbers on this load of guff. England have suffered an agonising two-one defeat to Argentina in the semi-final, and I'm now joined by the England manager, Thomas Tuchel. Hello, for perhaps the final time, Gary?

Now Thomas has been a lot of criticism about how defensive England were in the second half Did we shoot ourselves in the foot, do you think? No, Gary. Because football's a funny old game The lads gave 110% And at the end of the day I'm feeling sick as a parrot if you know what I mean

Right, I must admit Thomas I was expecting you to say No Gary we did not shoot ourselves in the foot Because we were not carrying firearms and even if we were, I would have made sure they weren't loaded or something like that. Isn't that more your style? No, Gary. There are no easy games at this level.

The lads put in a great shift, and for me it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. Sorry, sir, what are you up to, Thomas? Are you taking the Mick? No, Gary. Basically, it's a marathon, not a sprint. He's got a good touch for a big man, but can he do it on a cold Tuesday night in Stowe?

I get it now. You've decided the only way to deal with all the criticism you're getting for your abysmal tactics and your appalling substitutions is to hide behind a load of meaningless football clichés. Yes, Gary. And now I know why there are so many of them in English. Welcome to The One Show with me, Alex Jones. And me, Roman Kemp.

Alex, what did you get up to at the weekend? Not now, Roman. Bantor with you is not part of my contract and I don't like you. Later, we've got Chris Packham on the sofa and he's going to be talking about how many people he's seen dog in. But first, as Kirstama is about to step down as Prime Minister, it means the Deputy Prime Minister is also likely to leave his post. And David Lamy joins us now. Good evening, Alex. It's nice to...

David, David, it's your inner monologue here. This could be your last ever interview. So let's try to finally get one right. To be here. Okay, so how are you feeling about for the next few days? Well, Alex. Answer the question, David. Like a grown-up.

Remember what we talked about when you were putting on your trousers. I'd have to say... Go on, David. I'm right behind you. Look, I don't need you for this, okay? It's only the one show. Are you all right, Mr. Lammy? Sorry, yes.

What I was trying to say was... You can do it, David. Don't make a lammy of yourself. For crying out loud, will you shut up? I beg your pardon. This is all your fault, you know. My fault? No, not you.

Him. Who? Me? Yes, you. You always pretend you're trying to help me, but I know what you're up to, undermining me, belittling me, forcing me to make an idiot of myself in interviews

and turning me into a laughing stock. David, I am shocked. Right, I'm not quite sure what's happening here. Now, David, don't say anything you're going to regret. Just leave me alone. Crawl back to wherever you came from and stay there for good. You know when I'm not wanted.

I suppose this is goodbye then, David. Mr. Lammy, if you need to step out of this. the studio for a while. No, I'm fine now, Alex. Better than fine, actually. Actually, I've just done something that I should have done a long time ago. Okay.

So, what I was going to ask you was, what are your plans now for the summer? Well, Alex, my plans for the summer are... My plans are... Oh dear, I've made a terrible mistake. Come back. Please. I can't do it on my own.

What an absolute lambing. People of Britain. As you're outgoing, and by that I mean leaving, not my personality. Prime Minister, walking through the door of number 10 was the proudest moment of my life. I came into politics

to change people's lives for the better. And whilst broadly I haven't, I have always believed in a Britain where everyone is seen, everyone is valued, and everyone has the opportunity to succeed, apart from me. But my time as PM has had its frustrations. It has often felt as though the moment I'm about to make a significant announcement, something happens to knock it off course. Time and time again.

have been intruded upon by outside factors over which I had no agency. And that is why, now, in my final address to the nation, I want to take this opportunity to speak from the heart without interruption and leave you with the single most important message I can think of imparting as I leave office. And that is... There will now be a three-minute hydration break. Oh, for five. ...of great turmoil and uncertainty.

Only one northern man could lead a beleaguered nation back to prosperity. King of the North Andy Burnham continues to handpick for his northern cabinet, selecting them for their northern ways and northern-northness for his cabinet in the North. And anyone who doesn't arrive wearing bicycle cleaners, and clutching a law for home is. Need not to ply. Okay, next, we're looking at Northern Minister for Northern Women. Name?

I, Pet, Sarah Milliken. Aren't you adorable with your eyelashes and your eye heart buses t-shirt? I can pop you in my pocket. Right, well, thank you. And why do you think you would be suited to the position? Well, pet, I'm Northern. I'm a hard worker, a people person, and I've just come up with 14 new funny names for my own family.

A bit forward that love. Well, you look like an action man who's just realised he's got no willie, but I'm not complaining, am I? The job's yours. Next, Minister for Northern Culture. The name's John Bishop. I'm a cheery scouser who's made his living by being cheery and being from de pool. That's exactly who I am. I'm a cheery scouser who made his life.

living by being cheery and being from the pool. Then that's great! We'll get on like a car on brisk that also happens to be on fire. Welcome aboard, John. And finally, for my Minister of Transport, I've got the rusty tin bath on wheels from last of the summer wine.

Rounding off the cabinet, this damp, tettly tea bag that I fished out the bin. What role has that got, pet? West Streeting. From a single spark. of life. Through millions of years, animals have become diverse and beautiful. I'm Chris Packham. Welcome to my brand new series, Evolution. Now take this majestic marine iguana here. Remarkable. No, Chris, I think you mean astonishing. Sorry, but David Attenborough? What?

And it's not majestic, it's magnificent. Sorry? You call the iguana majestic and remarkable. It's actually magnificent and astonishing. If you're going to do expressions of awe in a nature documentary

then please do them properly. Right, well, if I can't just continue, here on the Galapagos Islands with a truly exquisite landscape. Mangled it. I did not mangle it. Yes, you did. You did.

It's exquisite. Exquisite. Exquisite. No. Exquisite. It's... Did you win a competition to get this job? This coastline dotted with these extraordinary creatures.

These breathtaking creatures. Breathaking creatures. They soon begin their mesmerizing pilgrimage. Spell. Binding. Oh, shab it, Adam. I don't have to listen to you. And that's where you're wrong.

I'm the biggest thing in nature television, and as such, the BBC signed over the rights to all expressions of awe to me. You're only allowed three exquisites, two astonishings, and one spellbinding. But we've used them already. Oh, dear. Then it looks like you've spaffed your whole wonder budget up the wall.

Right. Come on, Chris, you can do this. Okay. As the sun sets over the horizon, it's plain for all to see that this big bird is very nice. Enjoy counting frogs on Springwatch, Bucco. The year is 2040. I'm Michael Burke, a brain in a jar perched in these smouldering ruins of Radio 4.

And this is a landmark documentary recounting one of the political success stories of our time. This is the Count BinFace story. Cast your mind back to the year 2026. A time when a man with a bin on his head became a political phenomenon. Easily winning the Clacton by-election after standing against some angry shouty bloke who is now long forgotten.

Thank you to the people of Clacton. This is the bin day to end all bin days. The victory brought many rival politicians flooding to join his new party. Refuse. Including former prime ministers. I didi de de de de de dee. I saw something of myself in Count Binface. Possibly because he was also an outsider and a maverick.

But mostly because my hair looks like I live in a skit. Riding high in the polls, Binface then forced the government of the day to hold a referendum with a stark choice, leave or remain. That as a country we've voted that planet Earth should leave the solar system, 52% to 48%. I have no idea how we do this, but it's the principle of the thing. No more will we be controlled by those intergalactic bureaucrats. But a scandal was about to engulf count.

Binface, when it was revealed, he'd taken money from a dubious source. It's completely above board, and it's all my money. I can spend it on space Ferraris if I want to. But the damage had been done. Count Binface attempted to evade questions by resigning as MP for Clacton and putting himself up for re-election. Unfortunately, all of the serious parties and the recently merged Monster-Raving Conservative Party,

they all refused to stand. and BinFace was forced to fight a novelty candidate. A man dressed as a Mr Toad from Wind in the Willows. No, no, no, let me go. Poop, poop, poop! This is Michael Burke, hoping Giles Fraser or Tim Stanley is going to change the water in his brain jar before the moral maze starts for Radio 4. You're listening to Radio 2 with me, Rylam.

Apologies, by the way, to the three drivers. I accidentally blinded last night in the M1. I forgot to take my teeth off full beam. Now, look who's just popped into the studio to say hello, it's only my all-time bestie Stacey Solomon. You're all right, babes. I'm all right, babes. You all right, babes?

Are you all right, babes? Are you all right, babes? Actually, truth be told, I'm not all right, babes. Oh no. What's wrong, babes? Well... I'll tell you why. The list of the BBC highest earnest has come out,

And I'm not on it. I'm gutted. I'm not on there either, babes. Nightmare. Although, isn't that because we're both paid through independent production companies, babes? Well, I don't do fax, babes. I just do vibes. And I feel like my nose is right out of joint.

Oh, I know a surgeon in Turkey will put that right for your babes. That's just an expression, babes. The point is, if you want to earn the big bucks at the bead, you need to be like a serious news type, like your Fiona Bruce is, your Sophie Rayworths, your Laura Coonsbergs. And the thing is, which is too common. We just do the gods.

and ask each other if we're all right, babes. Are you all right, babes? I wasn't starting an all right babes, Dave's stage. It's hyperboleys and thrown up a hypothetical. Oh, sounds nasty, babes. I've got a cream for that. But how can we show them we're serious news types? Well, it's simple, babes. We get ourselves a big political show, have a big round table, babes,

and we go through the papers discussing current affairs with journalists who work for The Spectator and Owen Jones and Zia Yusuf. I think I'd rather be dead, babes. Football and classical music have a proud history. Who can forget Italia 90, Nessendorma and Pavarotti. Now Classic FM brings you a brand new CD release. Catherine Jenkins sings all the offensive 2026 World Cup football chance. All the vulgarity and swearing, but coming out of that lovely Welsh mouth, including...

You can stick your hydration, break up your eyes. You can stick your hydration break. And this all-time 2026 classic, which endeared England fans to the rest of the world. His Fanny Epstein Files is Donald Trump. From England's opening match against Croatia in Dallas, this popular terrace hit. King! We have the location. Sue, let's go!

You're listening to BBC Radio 4's intrigue to Catch a King, the hit investigative podcast. It's dramatic. It's dangerous. It's a great. source of revenue for library music composers. I'm Sue Mitchell. I'm a reporter and my friend Rob Lorry is ex-army.

And I'm talking like I'm trying to dislodge a jalapeno pepper stuck in my epic lot. Which adds to the drama. This week we're in a forest again and you can tell because of the sound effects of twigs breaking while we walk. This also adds to the drama. But this week the forest is darker than usual. It's pitch black, obviously. But it's also metaphorically dark. Sue, Sue, the trees are walking, Sue, they're alive. Rob's gone bar me.

I haven't, Sue, look at the map, it says murder. Rob hasn't got his reading glasses on. It actually says Mordor. The forest we're in is the scary one from Lord of the Rings, because of the drama. Stop right there. You shall not pass. What brings you to Mortor?

You are neither hobbits or else. That's right. I'm a reporter and Rob is ex-army. Well, this is perfect. I listen to your podcast. You're very good at catching evil creatures and so you must both help me. defeat Sauron.

Sauron is a notorious jewel thief. So, to track him through the forests of Mordor, we must hire a horse, which thanks to editing we now have done. You must help me repel his dark forces. Middle earth stands upon the brink. Because of the danger. Here they come, it's Sauron's Ork Army. But wait! King Aragon rides to defeat them!

defeat them. Sauron is angry because of the Ranger. Police reference, Sue, even for this sketch. Be quiet, Rob. This episode of the series, Rob is ex-Army. Time to go, Sue. My contact Frodo Baggins has told me about an illegal vape shop in Rivendell. Fly, you fools! Abort mission! Abort mission! Run through the forest, Rob, and turn the sound effects up really loud to emphasize that that's what's happening.

What's happening? Join us next series. On Chaccha-Catcher King. Overring! Rob. Daird Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisby and Jess Robinson.

It was written by Neff Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Sophie Dixon, John Holmes, Tom Coles, Joe Tocking, with additional material by Rachel E. Thorne and Lizzie Mansfield, Declan Kennedy and Adele Cliff, Cooper Marweeney Swirt. Dare Dringers is a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

It was created by Bill. dare and the producer is John Oh. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans. I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room.

Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic cats, evil or genius? Pig out on evil animals in the evil genius podcast feed, first on BBC Sounds.