Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, Series 20, Episode 1, Starring: Jon Culshaw, Lewis Macleod, Jan Ravens, Debra Stephenson and Duncan Wisbey

Episode Date: June 12, 2020

This episode looks back at the key moments since the pandemic began, with a special maths lesson from Matt Hancock, a fight between Good and Bad Boris about when lockdown should start, a secret recording of Dominic Cummings and an outtake from Normal People. Sir Kier Starmer makes his Dead Ringers debut.Starring: Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Debra Stephenson.Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, James Bugg, Simon Alcock and others.Producer Bill Dare A BBC Studios Production

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Dared Ringers, the lockdown coronavirus special. Welcome to a special edition of Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. In this programme, we'll be taking a detailed and comprehensive look back at the events of the pandemic since it took hold. This morning, as is usual these days, we are working from our homes. So this is the first time someone has presented today in Thomas the Tank Engine PJs, since Jim Nocte rolled into the studio straight from his stag do. We'll start this retrospective by going right back to the very earliest days, when customers traded blows in the supermarket over toilet paper.

These fights were described by police as being extra strong and very, very long. Covid-19 would soon bring economic carnage, the first signs of which were when Poundland began stocking barrels of oil. It was late February, with coronavirus spreading around the globe, that Boris Johnson departed for a two-week break in Chevening to recuperate from what was described as an exhausting three-week Christmas holiday in Mustique. On his return, Mr Johnson called a press conference. Having spoken to the scientists, I must level with the British people. Ahead lie dark days as we battle this virus. Ahead lie terrible sacrifices. Oh, no, no, no. Not now, not him. Oh, no, he's here. Bad Boris. Oh, yes, I'm back. Did you miss me? What are you piffling on about, man? Back up. Dark days,

terrible sacrifice, fear, anxiety. Doesn't sound very buzzer. I had 2020 all mapped out. Brexit, nap, short break, longer nap. Bit more Brexit, hurrah! COVID-19 is a deadly infectious disease. Oh, what a load of overblown piffle. We're not kowtowing to this virus.

We're British. We'll take it on the chin, develop herd immunity, and give it a good boffing, and send it packing quicker than you can say Dominic Cummings is always right. No! You have to listen to these scientists. Luckily, there is one scientist that I listen to. Yes, Dr. Emmett Brown from Back to the Future. Well, I'll fire up the flux capacitor, and we're good to go. For is so. Set the DeLorean for Friday, December 13th, 2019, time goes forward,

and by March it was clear to everyone around the world that lockdown was essential. So he took immediate action. He said Britain was ready to take off its Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the phone booth and emerge with its cloak flowing as the supercharged champion. No, what did he really say? That's what he really said. Shortly after that, there was fury as the NHS was desperately short of PPE. Naturally, the public wanted answers.

Welcome to Newsnight. I'm Kirsty Wark. Wash your hands, stay indoors, thank you, baked potato. Only visit grocery stores, thank you, baked potato. More on that story later. I'm joined now by the bloke on your stag do that no one can remember inviting, the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock. Minister, what do you say to NHS staff on COVID-19 wards without proper PPE? Well, what I would say to them is three minutes and 51 seconds. Sorry? Three minutes and 51 seconds last Thursday night. That's how long I spent clapping for them. But surely you could show them your care by giving them the PPE they so desperately need.

Jo, from number 27, went indoors after a minute and a half. That Welsh woman, in number five, didn't even come out. Why don't you have a go at them? Because they aren't the government minister who is in charge of providing protective... Would you like one of these care badges? No. It's just what the care homes desperately need. You're not across this at all, are you? Here we go. Typical BBC. Why don't you just come out and say you hate Dame Vera Lynn and you hope Captain Tom Moore trips and falls over in his garden? Matt Hancock, thank you. and Tom Moore trips and falls over in his garden.

Matt Hancock, thank you. By mid-March, the whole nation was panicked by a shortage of the word unprecedented, as the demand from journalists had been un... Well, it hadn't been seen before. A tired and confused country, struggling through the crisis, called for someone who could unite the nation. Good morning, everyone. This is PE with Joe, talking to you all cheerful like the nurse does to your gran. Today's lockdown workout is

workout what day it is. Now, we know it's not Thursday because that's clapping day. So it might be Monday. Or was Monday yesterday? Or was yesterday the day after tomorrow? Oh, I've had a thought. Is today bin day? And is that before or after clapping day? Because then it might be Saturday, unless it's not. Oh, screw it. Sorry, team. This is one workout that's impossible. Lockdown meant that anyone who didn't need to go to work had to stay home, which would soon result in hardship, mental stress and some very strange hairstyles. Not a problem I have.

But financial help was at hand. Welcome to Sky News. I'm Beth Rigby. I went to a posh school and a posh uni. Bet that surprised you. The Chancellor, Rishi Sunak, has announced a range of financial support schemes. He's even become an unlikely pin-up with a hashtag Dishy Rishi trending on Twitter. He joins me now. Hello Beth. Look, I don't know where all this sex symbol stuff came from. All I did was go on TV, look directly into the camera and say, I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe, to support you and provide for you. I've got an unprecedented package and I will use it to give you what you need.

I will go out to work so you have money to buy pretty things. Daddy's going to make it rain. And girl, girl, if you need furloughing, I will furlough you till you tell me to stop. Right. What about the crisis for performing artists? Those skanks mean nothing to me. The government's emergency economic policies were hailed as being timely,

radical and extremely effective. They'll still say we're biased, Martha. Meanwhile, panic buying put pressure on supermarkets, so they hired thousands of temporary workers and some stores were staffed almost entirely by out-of-work actors. The BBC sent Sophie Raworth to meet them. Hello, could I have a few words? Oh, no problem fella. Interview commenced. Present are Chief Customer Assistant Ted Hastings and... Sophie Raworth, BBC. So, Mr Hastings, what made you apply for this role?

I ask the questions here. You're in aisle 12 now. Oh, sorry. Right, let's start with the small matter of this. For the benefit of the in-store CCTV, I'm presenting Miss Raworth with a tin of cannellini beans, item three in her basket. What about it? How did you come to be in possession of

three tins when pre-packaged legumes are restricted to two per customer? Honest mistake. I thought you were allowed actually... You want to know what I think? I think you're a bent shopper. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's bent shoppers. Oh, Ted, leave her alone. Villanelle, how did you get here? Through the biscuit aisle? You know it's a one-way system. You and your one-way. It's so cute.

Your disregard for the regs is going to bring this grocer to its knees. Oh, then I better not tell you about the customer I sent down the basket lane with more than ten items. So I stabbed him in the eye with a calippo. Whoops. Right, out of my sight. Go on. Not you, Raworth. Oh, good. I do have some questions. So do I. Question one. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Yes, where's the pastor?

In lockdown. Are you being funny? As the pandemic took hold, the strain on the NHS increased and the government realised they were short of beds, nurses and £350 million Brexit payouts. They appealed to the business community to help out. Your task was perfectly simple. All you had to do was design and build a brand new medical grade ventilator.

Now, I don't know why this was such a challenge for 10 estate agents and someone who owns an online bakery, But it was a total shambles. Team Phoenix, you produced what can only be described as a snorkel on a stick. And Team Alpha, you made a batch of Lincolnshire sausages, which was the brief from the previous bloody task. That being said, the client, Mr Hancock, has just placed an order for 30,000 of each. Well, they can't be worse than the

stuff he got from Turkey. Well done. You're all hired. We come now to April, and in the peak of the lockdown, people were struggling to adapt. Cocaine dealers, who for years had fobbed off buyers with bags of flour, now realised the flour had a higher street value than the coke. So for a fraught and scared populace, news that the Queen would address the nation on Sunday night delighted millions, and angered even more who were furious that they'd cancelled the Antiques Roadshow. Good evening.

One's message tonight is directed at the eight million Brits who've been furloughed by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rishi Sunak. What a dish. Thanks to Rishi, your wages are now paid by the state, and in return you sit at home watching box sets and wondering how you can justify three breakfasts before lunch. Welcome aboard. You're all honorary members of the royal family now, so get practising your waves.

Just watch out they don't rope you in to open a leisure centre in Barking. Oh, boring. And don't worry about us Royals getting ill. We're all quite safe. Especially Andrew, who got ahead of the game as he's been self-isolating from the FBI since that Newsnight interview last November. As well as the Royals, the BBC wanted to play its part in cheering us all up. Matt Baker did his bit by resigning from The One Show. And most shows tried to include at least one uplifting moment. Hello everyone and welcome to Poetry Please. Now, since the only vital service left is supermarket delivery, we defrosted W.H. Auden and forced him to rewrite his famous poem. the rich, shreddies for the poor, melting Haagen-Dazs dumped at your door.

Gavin from Ocado plants his root in a yellow van named after a fruit. You didn't ask for bags, your mistake. Not our fault the dog ate your Jaffa Cakes. Tesco parks down the end of the lane, gets out your shopping for the walk of shame. Neighbours watch your frozen pizzas go past. You're not

cooking, you can't be arsed. There comes the driver with your shipment of booze and the things you didn't actually choose were out of hand wash. Don't take it too hard. Your nearest available item was lard. The panic buyers took all the ablution solutions. I'm afraid we've had to make substitutions.

Not a sheet of lool roll left on the planet. You'll have to wipe with this pomegranate. You're listening to a Today programme special as we look back at events since the start of the pandemic with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. On April the 5th, we heard the shocking news that Boris Johnson had been taken to hospital with Covid-19. It was a deeply disturbing moment for the whole nation. In the Prime Minister's absence, it needed someone with calm, natural authority to step in. Hello, Dominic Raab here, your new leader. And let me say that I am absolutely, 100% not pooping myself about being in charge of the country.

You can tell by my dank forehead and vacant, horrified expression that I am completely confident that I, an over-promoted estate agent, am the perfect person to steer Britain through its greatest crisis since World War II. And that's why I believe, during my time at the helm, I will achieve something truly remarkable, making Boris Johnson look like a safe pair of hands. Dominic Robb soldiered on until after Easter, something truly remarkable, making Boris Johnson look like a safe pair of hands. Dominic Raab soldiered on until after Easter,

while schools were still closed to the vast majority of pupils. So the BBC launched an ambitious virtual education service. Welcome to this Bitesize Daily Maths lesson with me, Matt Hancock. Question one. If Matthew delivers two pairs of gloves, three masks and five boxes of tissues to his local hospital, how many items of PPE are there in total? A. Five, B. Ten or C. Twelve. That's right, it's D. One billion, because obviously you need to count each finger of the gloves, every individual tissue, and then times it by the first number you thought of. Question two. Matthew promised to hit a target of 100,000 COVID-19

tests per day. How many did he actually complete? 100,000, 100,000 or 100,000? Well done. It's definitely 100,000 as long as you count posted tests, retested tests, forgotten tests, driving tests and test match special. Join us again tomorrow when you'll have a different celebrity maths teacher. If Priti Patel has 300,034,974 apples and gives away 20,111 of them, will she get sacked as Home Secretary? Of course not. Lockdown was, for many couples, the first chance they'd had to spend extended time together. To pass the days, many started playing games like Cluedo, Monopoly, and why the hell did you stack the dishwasher like that again?

Many others found themselves trapped far from home during lockdown, like Louis Theroux, who found himself stranded on Radio 4. Hello. Welcome to Grounded. Hello, is that Karen? Can you see me? Is the Zoom working OK? Yeah. Hi, Louis. Hi, Karen. So tell me, what's happened there during lockdown? Well, we were just a normal, ordinary family. But then, a few weeks in lockdown, Terry started acting oddly. So what sort of thing? You mean strutting around the house naked, smearing himself in pig's blood and singing show tunes? It's way weirder than that. He started agreeing with Piers Morgan. Hmm, that is weird.

OK, you're watching Good Morning Britain. I'm Piers Morgan and I'm about to rip that useless blamonge Matt Hancock, a brand new arsehole for his NHS PPE. We was watching that and Terry turned to me as bold as brass. He says, I agree with Piers Morgan. Wow. So how did you feel about that? Were you horrified? Well, I was, yeah. I mean, who agrees with Piers Morgan unless they've got a Union Jack tattooed on their forehead? But within the hour, I turned to Terry and said, I agree with Piers Morgan too. Next thing you know, we're both retweeting him. It sounds to me like you've been sucked into a dangerous cult which believes that Piers Morgan has changed into a decent human being

and isn't just jumping onto the nearest bandwagon to boost his fragile ego. Oh, to be honest, I just want this to be over, Louis, and to never have to agree with Piers Morgan ever again. Mind you, do you think that maybe Piers is right about the care home scandal? Oh, no, not you too, Louis. As weeks of the new normal turned into months, Radio 4's The Archers ran out of recent episodes, so archive episodes were broadcast from when Joe Grundy was alive. Kind of like the Terminator sent back from the future to erase Linda Snell from the timeline. When Radio 4 couldn't record new episodes of Moneybox with Paul Lewis,

they ran this classic from 1967. Hi cats, and welcome to Moneybox. We've got a lot of bummed out breadheads writing in. They've been getting down and heavy about their dough. So let's help them stick it to the man and make everything groovy. A Mr. A. Matthews from Chichester writes in and says, I have five shillings resting in my Midland bank account and I can't decide whether to buy a five-bedroomed house in Chelsea or to purchase a large feathery hat from Carderby Street that I've had my eye on. Well, Mr. Matthews, I

would go for the large feathery hat. Feathery hats will increase massively in value in the years to come. House prices, on the other hand, will decline substantially when we leave the ground and build massive floating cities in the sky using the power of transcendental meditation. Goodbye. On Sunday, April 12th, the doctors told the Prime Minister he was recovering well and could now return home. So, after shaking hands with the doctors, nurses, support staff, porters, cleaners and all the other intensive care patients, he left hospital. In mid-April, when lockdown was at its strictest, the pace of life slowed down. Mid-April, when lockdown was at its strictest, the pace of life slowed down.

And getting the chance to spend more time with our families made us appreciate just how much we loved the office. The roads were empty. In fact, the only car crash that month was those Hollywood superstars singing Imagine. With the streets deserted, all kinds of surprising animals were spotted in Britain's cities. And here we see a rare creature, one believed to have become extinct more than five years ago. I'm back, baby. Hell yeah. The lesser spotted milliband. Like a moth, you assumed was long dead, but when you go to sweep it up, it flutters back to life.

This individual, believed to be one of only two Milibands left in the wild, can be seen tentatively returning to its natural habitat. Hear his cries. Green New Deal, Zero Carbon Army. That's right, Redhead's Yesterday's News. It's all about greenhead now. And the Miller Band can now roam safely under the protection of the new alpha male. Hello, I'm Sir Keir Starmer, your mum's dream man.

The Starmer has united what was a bitterly divided herd. I am a man of methodical detail and I will ensure that while I am leader, not a hair on my head will be out of place. I love your hair. It's so beautiful. I will stand up and fight this new danger we face, not just by using the special power of

hindsight to claim we would have made better decisions, but by wearing ties and jackets that fit. Now the herd has taken on a characteristic not seen for decades, electability. So do you use like gel or are you more of a moose guy? During the weeks of lockdown, TV viewing soared with huge ratings for cringe comedies such as Ricky Gervais' Afterlife on Netflix and Matt Hancock's press briefings on BBC One. And BBC newsreaders made this upbeat message of hope. One day, I'll tell you there are no new cases.

That your children will get to play with their friends. That you can drive them to their grandparents. That you can once again enjoy a local beauty spot. One day, plans will be made and kept. One day, we'll tell you you can do all that. Unless you're Dominic Cummings. In which case, you already are. Not content with messages of hope,

the BBC found more ways of boosting the nation's morale. Full frontal teen pornography, or to give it its official title, Normal People. Marianne. Hi. Hey. All right? Yeah. You?

Yeah. Good. Right, that's enough infuriatingly sparse dialogue. Get that school uniform off. What do you want? Oh, Colonel, here we are. Just two normal people. Me, a size zero.

You, absolutely stacked. Normal, normal, normal. Yep. Two normal students. Sipping red wine with their friends in a villa in Tuscany rather than downing pints of Lambrini out of a shoe. Yeah. So normal.

Is everything okay, Conall? Yeah. Why? We haven't got completely naked in over 30 seconds now. Oh, crap. Yeah. Marianne? Yeah?

I've been thinking. Yeah? Is it okay for the British public to have an 18-year-old boy as a heartthrob? I mean, I literally take my school tie off before we do it. Oh, don't worry about that. We've saved BBC Three with this show. And whether the viewers are teenagers or old perverts doesn't show up on the ratings. True.

I know. I suppose. So, so normal. Right. What? One more go at it? Sure, we might as well. For season two, I won't be able to get within two metres of you.

Criticism of the government's handling of the pandemic skyrocketed after the revelation that Number 10 Special Advisor Dominic Cummings had breached lockdown rules to drive his family 260 miles to Durham for childcare. A story which would only be plausible if you believe Dominic Cummings didn't have a single friend in London. So quite plausible, yes. The day before he was due to give his side of events to the media Cummings was summoned to a meeting at Downing Street The BBC have obtained this secret recording Dominic, they want you to go The public think it's one rule for them and one rule for us

Heads must roll, Dominic, eh? I hope you understand Sure, I get it. Accountability is key. Sir Boris, you sacked me. But what? I can't have you getting in the way of me implementing my insanely clever Brexit master plan

to crush out with no deal and watch the world burn. This has gone far enough. It's time I stood up to you. Soon. Possibly tomorrow. Or a week next Thursday. How would you be placed for that? Or we could just forget about it. Lie down, Boris. Now curl up at my feet like a good little sheepdog and go to sleep whilst I get on with running Britain. There's a good little Boris, eh? Roll over, beg. Now look me in the eye, look me in the eye, Boris. Who's your muster, eh? Who's your muster now? In early June, as lockdown eased, more of us were allowed to venture out.

Some people tried to cash in. I'm Michael Parkinson, and here at Sun Life, we recognise the struggle us old folks have had during what I'm calling Spanish Flu 2. This time it's Chinese. That's why we're committed to helping those of us in our twilight years. Not by offering cheaper life insurance. We're not loonies. No, no, no. By sending you free

two-metre-long parka pens. Just for inquiring, you'll be sent a giant parka pen that doubles up as a pointy social distancing stick. They have other uses too, you know. If a young jogger is breathing far too heavily when they run right by you,

spittle-flying hither and thither, you can stab him in the bum with all your might. Or use it to bash Dominic Gummings on that oddly spherical-shaped head of his for suggesting herd immunity might be a good idea. Meanwhile, in America... Despite the death toll passing 50,000, President Trump was enraged by local state lockdowns. He accused governors of New York and California of drinking the Kool-Aid, when they should, of course, have been drinking the Domestos. President Trump insisted his claims that drinking bleach would rid the body of COVID-19 were backed by the highly respected Professor Barry Scott of the Sillit Bang Institute for Bang and the Coronavirus is Gone. Finally, President Trump called a special press conference.

Shut up, you horrible germy losers. It's the Donald speaking now. I'm not wearing a mask because I'm invincible. The only thing I wear in my mouth is the new KFC nose bag. So, the virus. The My Sharona virus from China. The China virus. We've got to show China who's boss.

My patience is at an end. We are opening everything up. The first thing we're going to open is Jurassic Park. Now, I know what you're thinking. The last five times it opened, there was a horrible bloodbath with people torn apart by dinosaurs. But before the horrible carnage, let's remember, it did make a lot of money for an old white guy, and that's the important thing. And next, we're going to open up Hannibal Lecter's prison cell. He's been socially distancing for far too long, and we need more doctors for me to ignore. And then we're opening up Amity Beach. Sure, there's been great white sharks there, but great white sharks are very fine people. Just look at the name. Great and white.

Very fine people. Just look at the name. Great. And white. My kind of fish. Well, that brings us to the end of this special look back at the events since the pandemic began. So, from Martha and me, stay safe and remember... What's going on? Get out of my house! Someone in a Batman costume has just... We are Fathers for Justice! Nick, are you OK? We demand the government gives us less access to our kids. Aye. Ten weeks of Peppa Pig and trying to teach fractals. It's torture. All we want is to not see our kids anymore.

We can't keep doing this till September. We demand that they all go back to bloody school. Now! Nick, are you going to call the police? No way. I completely agree with them. Here, you haven't got a spare Batman costume, are you going to call the police? No way. I completely agree with them. Here, you haven't got a Spurred Batman costume, have you? Dead Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson,

Lawrence Hath, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, James Bug, Simon Woolcock, Duncan Wisby and Cody Dahl. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.