Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, Series 20, Episode 2

Episode Date: June 19, 2020

Social bubbles, social distancing, Covid 19, R numbers, it’s all a lot to comprehend, but the big questions for the team is how Michael Portillo will cope with wearing a mask on Great British Railway Journeys?There’s a special guest appearance alongside Bad Boris: Bad Winston Churchill, and Priti Patel introduces her new head of track and trace. Starring: Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Debra Stephenson.Written by Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Cody Dahler, Jane Mccutcheon, Vivienne Riddoch, Gareth Cederic, Jeffrey Aidoo, Charlie Dinkin, Paige Wilson, Zoe Brown, Aidan Fitzmaurice and Cassie smithProducer Bill Dare A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Ah, you are listening to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC, recorded remotely and all interconnected with the finest technological washing lines ever created. Lockdown? Ah, no, no, no. The unifying effects will be incalculable. To enjoy, have a jelly baby. Dead Ringers, the lockdown version.

You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And me, Martha Carney. Lockdown requirements mean we should both be presenting from home, but we're still in the queue for our local Primark we joined three days ago. The headlines. On Monday, non-essential shops opened in England for the first time in three months. There were massive queues around the country, mostly of people trying to return the rubbish they'd brought drunk and bored over the last three months. Isn't that right, Nick? Don't know what you mean, Martha. I've always wanted a

luminous birdbath in the shape of John Humphreys. It's just slightly the wrong size. People flooded to the shops. But the fear of the virus remained. Some shops even demanded if a customer touched something accidentally, they had to take it home. Meaning one woman left H&M in Oxford Street with three pairs of tights, a halter neck dress and a security guard called Clive. Football returned, with Man City defeating Arsenal 3-0 and Marcus Rashford

defeating the government on free meals for school children. Boris Johnson claimed he hadn't seen anything about Rashford's petition until the Wednesday, opting to look lazy and stupid rather than mean and cruel. I hadn't seen a thing about it so clearly my eyesight needs testing ASAP which is why I'm driving Carrie and the baby 260 miles to Barnard Castle. Meanwhile, just before the Premier League matches began on Wednesday, came stark warning from an unusual source. This is a message to the old folks like myself. Please do not take the knee before the match. Not because I'm opposed to the very worthy Black Lives Matter campaign.

It's just that you might not be able to get back up again. Meanwhile, at Westminster, the Foreign Secretary, Dominic Raab, has been ridiculed for suggesting that taking the knee actually derives from Game of Thrones. I just associate that particular gesture with that particular TV show, in the same way that people associate the two-finger gesture with the government's daily press briefings. In Parliament, there was growing anger

about the 14-day quarantine for travellers to Britain. Priti Patel joins us now. As you know, the infection rate is lower in almost every other country on earth than it is here. That's an awful lot of healthy people, Nick, and we don't want them coming over here, spreading all that wellness and ruining our status as the virus capital of Europe. A senior Tory branded lockdown a disaster. Nice to be with you, Martha. Lord Hague, your concern is that the lockdown has caused untold economic damage. No, Martha, I only use the word economic to make myself look clever.

So what's the real reason you want lockdown over? I'm desperate for a haircut. I look like the savage Bigfoot Steve Austin fought in the six million dollar man finale. Well, you don't actually. You still look very bald. Look closer, Martha. Like all bald men, I have a single strand of incredibly strong hair that grows out of my ear that I'm currently coiling around my neck. It has to be removed with bolt cutters by the only barber in the country qualified, Giuseppes of Chelsea. Know it well. In America, the former National security advisor John Bolton claims in a new book that Donald Trump is lazy, stupid and corrupt. Wow. Who knew? How dare John Bolton

spill all these state secrets about me, which means they're true. But we all know they're actually lies, lies, which means they're not state secrets, which would mean they're true, which they are because they're not. Mummy, I need another nap now. And in media news, Nigel Farage has left his job at LBC, leading to speculation that the station will now change its name to LB. Facebook has announced users will be able to turn off political adverts in the run-up to the US election as it attempts to stem the flood of fake news. I'm joined now by the Lord Haw Haw of

Facebook. Hello, I'm Nick Clegg. This has been a huge problem for you, hasn't it? During the 2016 election, Facebook was full of stories planted by the Russians about Hillary Clinton running a child slavery ring from a pizza restaurant in Washington. That's utter rubbish. Everyone knows it was a Mexican restaurant in Cincinnati. But yes, these are tough times for us, which is why I've agreed to take on a new role as PR for something slightly less harmful than Facebook. Hi, everyone. Nick here. And I want to tell you about an exciting new creation that's sweeping the world. sweeping the world. COVID-19. It's a funky new virus that came from bats, so if you catch it, you'll probably get bat powers like some Marvel superhero. That's COVID-19. Even more toxic than my political legacy.

Hello, you've reached Marcus Rashford. I can't talk right now as I'm currently resolving the Northern Irish Border Conundrum. Please leave a message though, yeah? Master Rashford, it's Mog here. Big ups on your campaign, as they apparently say. Sadly, it's left me in somewhat of a pickle. You see, the one-legged boy who does my chimneys is now demanding a full slice of bread every day, like he's some kind of archduke. And it's all your fault for raising expectations.

Believe me, you shall be hearing from my lawyers, Marley and Marley. It is now apparently officially safe to riot. At the weekend, hundreds of thugs descended on central London, supposedly to defend Churchill's memory. To sum up these men in the words of the great man himself, never has so much unpaid child maintenance been owed by so many thugs with so few brain cells. Boris Johnson addressed the nation. What we witnessed over the weekend was nothing short of disgraceful. Thuggish hooligans on the streets of London

tanked up on booze, determined to behave in the most disgraceful manner, smashing and destroying and... No, no, no, please, please, not now. Not bad, Boris. Must resist. Must be statesmanlike.

Nothing wrong with knocking back a few gallons of fizz, rampaging through the streets, and smashing up a restaurant or three. And the great thing is, this time, you can blame it all on the hairy left for trying to destroy Churchill's statue. Stop it! Stop it! They have brought shame on our great country.

Shut up, filthy kibwa. Stop being such a prude. They're all honorary members of the Bullingdon Club. The one who urinated over that memorial will be in my cabinet before you can say Now, come on on lads, the last one to burn a £50 note in front of a tramp has to be Northern Ireland Secretary. On this morning's episode of Tweet of the Day, I'm in the quiet Scottish coastal region of Dunleith. Are you in the queue mate? Right I'm here looking at the majestic horn-billed great cormorant. Are you in the queue or not?

Are you what mate? Oh who am I kidding? I'm in the early morning queue for Nike Town in Oxford Circus. Can you blame me? The shops have opened and Daddy's got cash to burn. Right, if anyone gets in the way of Big Dave and his fresh pair of Jordan Air Maxes, there will be no Blue Bloody Planet 3. Hey, welcome back to Match of the Day. Who would have thought it? Premier League football back on the BBC. And all it took was a global pandemic. I think you'll agree it was worth it. Well, that was quite some first half, wasn't it?

Particularly that extraordinary VAR decision, Alan Shearer. Er, not interested, Gary. But it was one of the most controversial moments of the season. Gary, it's just 22 blocks chasing the ball round. In the three months of lockdown with no Premier League on the TV, I've realised there's so much more to life than football. There's music, drama, poetry. Did you watch Normal People?

Or Devs? Or I May Destroy You? That's what real drama and passion look like, Gary. Brutally poetic and real. Yeah, well, I hope you don't agree with Alan Martin Keown. Er, of course not, Gary. Thank goodness for that. I wasn't that impressed with normal people.

Sure, it showed a lot of promise going forward, but I felt the mise-en-scene was sloppy, and for my money, had we had V.I.R. for those sexy scenes, Conor would have been offside a number of times. Let's go pit-side right now and speak to Rio Ferdinand. Rio, please tell me you haven't been watching drama over the lockdown. What, me? Watch highbrow drama? No, you're fine there, Gary. Good lad. I've been watching Peppa Pig. Last one to jump in the muddy puddle has to marry

Scumthorpe United. Surely there's one pundit left who's into football? Um, yes, Gary, me. I am. pundit left who's into football? Um, yes, Gary, me. I am. Ian Hislop. Yes. Yes, I got so bored at home over the lockdown, I started doing something I never thought I'd do. Watch football. Bloody brilliant, isn't it? All that time wasting my life away obsessing about politics when I could have been watching the German Bundesliga. In my view, the failure of the VAR to spot that the Aston Villa keeper had clearly carried the ball over the line shows that you must never remove the human element from the beautiful game. Ian Hislop, thank you. It's coming home. It's coming home.

Football's coming home. Invented in Tudor times with a pig's bladder. Potter, Granger, I must tell you that a dark shadow has been cast across Hogwarts. Is it Lord Voldemort, Professor Snape? Or the Death Eaters? No, J.K. Rowling's been on Twitter again. She's made comments about gender which some people have interpreted as transphobic. So she is the evil one and must be destroyed.

Well, no, because she was trying to defend female safe spaces and now she's getting attacked by internet trolls. Ah, so these trolls are the baddies. Not necessarily. They're just pointing out that transgender people have a right to be who they say they are without anyone questioning it. Right. So Rowling's the baddie after all.

Except she's followed it up with an article about her experiences of domestic abuse. Okay. A storm is coming, Potter. You must be ready to fight. I'm not quite clear who I'm meant to be fighting. It's a Twitter storm. Just fight everyone. Oh, right. Expelliarmus!

You trans-exclusionary radical feminist! You don't get to define what's female. I'm a ghost! Am I still female? Stop this madness. J.K. wouldn't want this. How would you know, Dumbledore? Because she let me love a man and wear a jaunty hat.

I will not rest until I've liberated Hogwarts, one toilet at a time. Coming soon. Harry Potter and the Moral Compass. If they don't all destroy each other first. Welcome to Channel 4 News. I'm Cathy Newman, a kind of curly Emily Maitlis. We begin with a special report into the illegal raves taking place across the country. We go live to Manchester with our reporter, John Snow. John, I thought you were self-isolating. Well, I was until I heard there was a rave on.

I got wind of it on my happy, hardcore WhatsApp group, so I grabbed my bucket hat and whistle, popped on my Acid House smiley T-shirt and hot-footed it to the nearest abandoned skate park to throw some proper geeky shakes. Mad for it. So you can stick your Channel 4 news up your Christian Guru Murphy. I'm staying here. Hello, John. Nice to see you.

Rishi Sunak, what are you doing here? I am doing whatever it takes to make sure this illegal rave is following the relevant social distancing measures. All ecstasy transactions to be contactless. Glow-in-the-dark face masks to be worn at all times. And of course, ravers must remain two metres apart at all times, which is roughly equivalent to one big fish, one little fish and one cardboard box. So you actually approve of illegal rape?

Absolutely. It's the only part of the British economy that's doing well. So I say to you all, stay alert, save lives, Booyaka Booyaka, Jungleless Massive. A seed! Hello there and welcome to PM. you all stay alert, save lives, booyaka booyaka, junglist massive. Acid! Hello there and welcome to PM. I'm Evan Davis, the love child of Andrew Marr and a fruit bat. We can now go live to tonight's Covid briefing. Good afternoon everyone, Michael Goovy Goovy Goovy here,

voice like a prep school teacher, face like a badly poached egg. Today marks a significant moment in our fight against this deadly disease. Following on from our very recent implementation of mandatory face masks on public transport and quarantine for foreign arrivals, I can announce today that in keeping with this government's complete commitment to shutting the door months after the horse has bolted, we will now be cancelling the Cheltenham Festival last March. Now, some of you silly billies may say that the right time to do this was before the event actually took place.

But frankly, that's just the kind of balderdash you can expect from listening to experts. And now on BBC Three, a surprise new episode of Normal People. Cor. Conall. Marianne. Conall. Marianne. Hi.

Hey. All right? Yeah. Do you? What? Yeah Do you? What? Do you think the BBC have to pay the writer more

If we say more than a certain number of words? Ach, they must do so, they must Yeah But now we're allowed to add one person to our social bubble We can do even less speaking and even more shagging Well What? No, nothing.

What? It's bad news. Go on. I can't see you anymore. I added someone else to my social bubble. What should I put you in mind, Marianne? Sorry. My first bubble spot's been taken by a boy from college.

Then second, I've got my neighbour. Then as backup, my Ocado driver. Then third, fourth and fifth backups are some steamy lockdown hookups I've had with my DPD, DHL and Yodel delivery men. Me too. Sure we bang an awful lot of people considering we're apparently in love, don't we? That we do, Conall. Scuppered yet again by our own horniness. There'll be no sex for us for a wee while then.

Yeah. Unless... Huh? You think young people are actually sticking to lockdown rules? That's true right enough, Marianne. Come on. That was Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. What a terrific track.

You're listening to Jeremy Vine. I'm now joined on the line by England captain Harry Kane. Hello, Harry. What's been the reaction amongst footballers to Marcus Rashford's stunning achievement? Oh, well, you know, it's... It's a dream come true, really, isn't it? What, that he managed to secure so much funding?

No, no, no, you know, that he's managed to make Boris Johnson look like a prize plump. You see, it's normally the England squad's job to look like the doziest turnip at the fart fair, but now Rashers has really put a shift in, given 170%, and made Bozza look like a grade-A wazzock.

And is that a view shared amongst the entire squad? Oh yeah, I've spoken to Wazzah, Hazza, Razza, Hendo,

Tomo, Jono, Kenny, Fenty, Kenny, Tarko, Barko, Larko,

Sammy, Manny, Kenny, Maddo, Fado, and Alexander Oxlade-Chamberlain. And they all agree, making the Prime Minister

look like a massive bum is... Well, it's a dream come true, really, isn't it? BBC Radio 4. Archive on Foreigner presents a profile of Winston Churchill, featuring newly discovered recordings. And so the war in Europe is at an end. I have always opposed fascism with every fibre of my being, and it is my honour to have led this country to glorious victory with the assistance of our

allies in the British Empire. Father! Oh, dear. No. No, not him. Not Bad Churchill. The inferior peoples of the East may have contributed somewhat, but this was a triumph for the pure Anglo-Saxon nation. Bad Churchill, be gone. Do not sully this moment by expressing my actual views on eugenics, the Irish or Mahatma Gandhi. I may have made some terrible mistakes, but I remain one of this country's greatest heroes.

True? Very true. There will never be another prime minister like Winston. Particularly not the current chap. Have you seen him? Absolute bellend. This is LBC. Hello, I'm Sir Keir Starmer, a.k.a. what a Ken Doll would look like at 57.

Welcome to my new show here on LBC, Call Keir. A concise title that cuts through the rhetoric and gets to the truth. Because Call Keir is a show where you call Keir. No razzmatazz, no razzle dazzle. Think of me as the missionary position of politics. Classic, functional, slightly dull, but gets the job done. Our first caller is Denise. Oh, Keir. Keir, how do you look so good at your age? It's not something I spend a lot of time on, but in the spirit of full disclosure, I put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, followed by an exfoliating gel scrub.

For additional clarity, I've included full details of my routine on the Labour Party website. Our next caller is Ed from Westminster. Fuck here I was just wondering how you get through a typical day as Labour leader Without tripping up, forgetting key sections of speeches Or eating a bacon sandwich in an apocalyptically revolting way Um, well, I just don't do any of those things Brilliant, wish I'd thought of that. Next up,

we have... No, no, no, let me speak. No need for an introduction. The folks here at LBC know exactly who I am. Just wondering what your angle's going to be with this new phone-in show of yours, Sir Keir. Are you going to be a populist blowhard type, or more of a blowhard

populist? My plan is to answer listeners' questions in a calm, straightforward and rational way. On LBC? Good luck with that. Give it a week and they'll be begging me to come back. As the saying goes, once you've had Nigel, you never go... bye, Joel. Laters! Bye, Joe. Laters! then listen to the nine circles of hell that is the Today programme. I'm Petroc Trelawney. Listen to my voice. Comforting, uplifting, enriching. You've got a nerve, Trelawney.

And Nellaby Welton. Listen, Shummo. Everyone knows I've got the most reassuring voice in times of crisis. I've carried the British people through the EU referendum, Boris becoming PM and David Dimbleby leaving Question Time. And by jingo, I'll get them through COVID-19. Don't be so sure. Well, why don't we find out who the listeners really want to hear? Ladies first.

Debenhams has gone into administration. But do we really need to be buying more stuff we don't need? Or should we be decluttering and focusing on having less but it meaning more? A second wave of the pandemic is possible. Next, Sonatina in A by Schubert. Absolutely everyone will lose their jobs. But all that extra time will give us a chance to reconnect with simple pleasures. Oh, you're so right, Penelope. What was I thinking

trying to out-lovely you? It was madness. Goodbye, Petroc. You weren't the first, and you won't be the last. Welcome to Newsnight. I'm a savage, classy, bougie, ratchet, sassy, moody, nasty. More on that story later. Businesses are still in the dark about whether and when the government will relax the two metre rule. I'm joined in the studio by Matt Hancock. Hello, Daniel. Mr Hancock, why is this decision taking so long? Well, Kirsty, there are, of course, many things to consider, but we will report back with a new distance to stand from

as soon as we find the perfect domestic appliance to compare it to. And that'll help, will it? Well, yes, as we are all aware, we're currently socially distancing at four chairs or three fridges, but hopefully we'll soon be able to reduce that to somewhere between three and a half microwaves and 15 salad bowls. That's quite confusing. OK, yes, in simpler terms,

three quarters of a washing machine or 30 copies of Divina's fit in 15. Mr Hancock, isn't the truth that you're under pressure from the right wing of your party to scrap the rule and from your scientists to keep the rule and you haven't got a clue what to do? Not at all. That's my position and you won't make me budge from it by one inch, or should I say by half a chipolata.

Mr Hancock, please move 10,800 fridges away from me. That's four and a half miles. See, it works. away from me. That's four and a half miles. See, it works. Hello, I'm Beth Rigby. No, I'm not chewing. I always sound like this. Reporting from Paddington Station, where Nigel

Farage and his followers are circling the statue of Paddington Bear. Our statues are under threat and it's our patriotic duty to protect these national treasures from thugs. Paddington Bear is an icon, an example to Brits everywhere. He wears overcoats, even when it's sunny, eats white bread for every meal,

and when he's annoyed at a person, he doesn't say anything, he just stares at them. How British is that? Were you aware that Paddington is from Peru? He's a Peruvian brown bear who fled his homeland in a lifeboat and came to the UK for a better life. Piss all over it, lads. Piss all over it. Come on. And now on BBC Two, Great British Railway Journeys.

Compulsory masks. My walnut backside. I can't present the country's premier railway programme with a mask over my splendacious mush. Hold on a minute. What's this? A drat. A guard. And I suppose you're here to issue me a fine for removing my mask? Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. I thought you were an unattended duffel bag. As you were.

Good afternoon, I'm Priti Patel and welcome to the Downing Street Briefing on Friday the 199,000th of June. I want to start by saying I'm sorry if you feel the government's test and trace app still hasn't been world class and that the whole thing has been a total balls-out disaster, but the government has appointed a new chief people tracer. I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want, but I will look for you, I will find you. And I will ask you very nicely if you wouldn't mind self-isolating for 14 days. Thank you, Liam. And then I will kill you. No, no, no. Liam, you must have an earlier draft.

We've moved on from the Cummins plan now. People of Britain, the Black Lives Matter protests have brought into stark focus the inequality and institutional racism prevalent in British society. Now, the easiest thing for me to do would be to just kick the whole shebang into the long grass by setting up a commission into racial inequality and prejudice. So, I'm setting up a commission into racial inequality and prejudice. In doing so, I'm introducing a distance of not two metres, but 20 years between us and taking any action. We will wash our hands of responsibility,

not for 20 seconds, but for the foreseeable future. We will isolate ourselves from the facts and shield ourselves from the mistakes of the past so we can repeat them in the future. So my message to you is clear. Stay ignorant, protect the privileged and save the status quo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to once again emulate my great hero Winston Churchill by getting someone to pop a giant box over my head till all this blows over. Mr. President, do you have comment on dexamethasone, which British are using to treat COVID-19?

Do not take this drug. No way. Why? Because it's been dangerously tested by scientists. And we all know that scientists, unless they're ghostbusters, are loser nerds who date women who are as six. Everyone knows all the good China virus cures just pop into my head while I'm standing here at the podium. Only the Donald will cure you by taking that drug with the funny name that kills werewolves. Or try chugging bleach. I've hired two British helpers, Mr. Muscle and Mr. Sheen. He cleans umpteen things clean. Maybe billions of things. It's a lot of things. Hey, great news, people. I have just come up with a brand new cure while I was standing here.

I call it Dr. Trump's Magic Elixir Tonic that cures what ails you. It's a blend of bath salts, cheese in a can, Reese's Pieces, and 11 different herbs and spices. I drink it every day, and look how healthy I am. Glowing. Okay, I gotta go now. My girdle is beginning to squeak. Can you hear it? Get me out of here. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis McLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson, and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Jane McCutcheon and Vivian Riddock,

Geoffrey Adu, Edward Tew, Gareth Cedric, Cassie Smith and Alex Hardy. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.