Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - Series 20 Episode 3

Episode Date: June 26, 2020

As lock down eases the team look at important issues such as the possibility of next wave, the test and trace system, and how one of the most famous scenes in comedy would work in a Covid-secure environment.Starring: Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Debra Stephenson.Written by Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, Sarah Campbell, James Bugg, Simon Alcock and others.Producer Bill Dare A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Ah, you are listening to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC, recorded remotely and all interconnected with the finest technological washing lines ever created. Lockdown? Ah, no, no, no. The unifying effects will be incalculable. To enjoy, have a jelly baby. Dead Ringers, the lockdown version.

You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And me, Martha Carney. Britain this week was gripped by a massive heatwave. With temperatures hitting 30 degrees, the whole country was producing more sweat than Housing Secretary Robert Jenrick. Jenrick has been accused of fast-tracking a planning application by Richard Desmond to save the billionaire businessman some £50 million. Richard Desmond made his fortune through publishing, with titles such as Asian Babes, Reader's Wives and, more embarrassingly, The Daily Express.

Rebecca Long-Bailey has been sacked as Shadow Education Secretary after sharing an article on Twitter which contained an alleged anti-Semitic conspiracy theory. I can't quite believe what's just happened to me. I mean, sharing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories used to get you into the Shadow Cabinet, not booted out of it. And Sir Keir Starmer made this statement. As party leader, saying goodbye to a trusted and valued colleague is never easy.

So thank God I'm sacking Rebecca, as that's one less carbonite fruitcake I feel obliged to follow on Facebook. Media news and this year's Apprentice series has been postponed due to the coronavirus. Nature is healing. There was no point, was there? Let's face it, 2020 is exactly what you'd end up with if you asked the Apprentice candidates to design a year. But the big news this week is the government's further easing of lockdown. However, most people are relieved that the pubs aren't open quite yet, as the sight, sound and smell of jubilant Liverpool fans would be enough to send most of us back into isolation.

The Prime Minister announced the new rules at a Downing Street press conference. And be joyous, Britain, for happy days are here again. Yippee and yaroo! Yes, Prime Minister, but we have to remain vigilant. COVID-19 will be with us for a long time. Yes, well, I'm sorry Professors Whitty and Valance, but Cummings can't be bothered with the science anymore. Thank you

all for watching this very last Downing Street Press Conference. Chief Medical Officer Chris Whitty and Chief Scientific Advisor Sir Patrick Valance, this is Davina. You are on live TV. Please do not swear. You have been evicted from the Downing Street house.

You have one minute to collect your things and say goodbye. The government has issued new COVID-secure guidelines for organisations and workplaces. We're joined now by the leader of the Liberal Democrats. No, I have absolutely no idea who that is either. It's Ed Davey, apparently. Hello, Martha. It's Sir Ed. Now, I can see on my screen here that you're in a large hall

and people are sitting with about 15 empty seats between them. Isn't that just a little excessive? No, no. That's just normal for a Lib Dem conference. Ed Davey, thank you. After weeks of activists attempting to remove statues, calls for a monument to Dame Vera Lynn have united the country. I'm joined now by Jacob Rees-Mogg. Dame Vera was indeed a remarkable person.

Her songs saw us through the war and have for many years provided the soundtrack to coitus between myself and Mrs Rhys Mogg, reminding me that one must always smile at moments of crisis. So you support a statue of Dame Vera? A statue? Of a woman? You appear to have gone lockdown loco. Burnley Football Club has reacted furiously to the fans who flew a plane carrying a White Lives Matter banner over the ground during their 5-0 drubbing to Man City,

saying the players are more than capable of embarrassing the club without any help from them. Hairdressers have admitted they still have a lot of work to do before reopening, installing screens, sourcing PPE and working out what the hell they're supposed to ask their clients, since they know they haven't been anywhere nice this year. The segue is to cease production, but the company has made assurances that there are plenty of other ways its customers can look like total pillocks when out and about. Hello, Keir Starmer's office. Keir Starmer speaking. Hey, Keir, Keir Eam, you old knight in shining Starmer.

It's Michael Gove. I mean, it's NHS Test and Trace Service calling. Er, to be clear on this, did you say NHS Test and Trace? Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. This is an official trace, sir. Yeah, big time. Right. Oh, OK, goodness. Wow, this is the call, isn't it? Look, I'm really sorry, because you've been doing such a good job of making the Prime Minister look like a right silly wally at PMQs, but I'm afraid you're going to have to self-isolate for two weeks and, you know, not do that anymore. Oh, wow. I used to think it was only the other day that I was having a pop at you guys for not being up to speed. Talk about irony. Well, OK.

Well, I suppose I can still scrutinise the prime minister via Zoom, can't I? No, no, no, no, no. Can't do that. Because computers have viruses too. You know, one time a friend of mine actually died when her McAfee expired because she got so infected with, like, malware that all she could see out of her eyes was roody-noody pictures of Eamon Holmes and she drove into a bollard. Anyway, gotta go. Lots more people to protect.

But do make sure you have absolutely no contact with anybody, OK? Can I at least put out a... I'm Ross Kemp, and I've met members of Al-Qaeda in Afghanistan, mercenaries in the DRC, and now I'm off to meet characters who operate in even more dangerous terrain. Today, I'm coming face-to-face with hairdressers.

I've arranged to meet a man they call Derek, in his gang HQ known on the streets as a unisex salon. Oh, hiya, Ross. Nice to see you. OK, Derek. Hi, I'm unarmed. So, you appear to be wielding a double-bladed weapon with circular handles, and you're using this to administer some form of torture to an unsuspecting, bewhiskered victim who's restrained in a leather chair. What's he done to deserve this? Three months in lockdown, poor fella. He was a bit nervous about coming back in, but I told him if he

didn't get down here, I'd give his usual 2pm slot to Gary instead. So it's not only physical torture, but mental too. Do you want to talk to my apprentice, Liz? I look over at Liz. She's got a victim dangling over a sink and is deploying what can only be described as some form of gruesome waterboarding. Oh, hello, Gran. I loved you in EastEnders. A reference

to a character I haven't played for 15 years was The Last Straw. If it hadn't been for the fact there's not a single hair on my body, I don't think I'd have got out alive. People of Britain, today is a day for national celebration as I can announce the most comprehensive relaxation of the lockdown. From July 4th, museums, art galleries, exhibitions, and who gives a toss about any of that boring codswallop? The pubs will be open. Huzzah! Fwah!

In a responsible manner. It's all about risk. Namely, can I risk you lot staying sober another week as everyone starts to take stock of the last three months and what a colossal balls-up my government made of everything? Of course I can't. So, three pints and you'll have forgotten what a mess the government made of everything. Of course I can't. So, three pints and you'll have forgotten what a mess the government made of PPE. Five pints and a whiskey chaser. And you'll have forgotten the care home fiasco. Seven pints and you'll have forgotten about the test and trace debacle.

Nine pints and a couple of flaming Zambucas and you'll actually think I'm the greatest ever Prime Minister and that you're my best friend and that you really, really love me. And let's keep it that way. Do your duty, Britain, and get yourself rat-arsed. Spread the word. In fact, become super spreaders, which I know you will. Hello, I'm Joan Bakewell. You may remember my Radio 4 series, We Need to Talk About Death. Well, I'm back to confront a subject about which we know even less than the final cessation of being. So join me as I present the Radio 4 Listener's Guide to TikTok. You may have heard talk in the news this week of a presidential campaign rally being disrupted by TikTok users. Don't worry, TikTok doesn't mean a terrorist time bomb. It refers to an application

popular among teenagers as well as people in their 30s who are having a genuine breakdown. TikTok enables you to upload and watch 15-second videos. To give you some idea, that's equivalent to half a countdown conundrum, or roughly the amount of time the Today programme allows for an in-depth interview about the Irish border. Videos uploaded to TikTok tend to feature young people dancing like you're used to seeing on Strictly. But instead of being judged by a panel of experts in black tie, they're judged by middle-aged creeps in vests eating crisps and

touching themselves. TikTok. I'd say give it a try but if you've been zooming with a grandchild this lockdown chances are you're already on it. If not well download the app and see me do the holy moly dance. You've reached housing Secretary Robert Jenrick. I'm far too busy to speak right now unless you're calling about a fundraising event, in which case just say when, where and how much. Hey Robbo, Robbo, Jenny, Jenny, Rick, Rick. It's NHS Test and Trace here. Hello. If it's coming up as Michael Gove, that's only because he donated his phone,

because he wanted to help the NHS. What a saint. Look, it's such a shame I'm having to call you because, between you and me, I think it was a great decision of yours to give the go-ahead to Desmond's scheme and deprive Tower Hamlets of the services they desperately need. And not well-dodged at all, nor deeply embarrassing for the government. But I'm afraid you're going to have to self-isolate for a whole two weeks. So sorry you're not going to be able to do any more deals like that for a wee while, but, you know, now you'll be able to sit at home

and watch loads more promotional videos, won't you? OK, see you soon. I mean, no, I won't. Bye. You see, nowadays, Trigger, these Eurobirds go for the more mature men who've made it in life. Is that why we're having no luck? I haven't started yet. Still building myself up to it.

Well, you better hurry up. We'll be closing time soon. Hold up. Them two birds. I think we're on a winner here, Trig. Play it nice and cool, son. Nice and cool. You know what I'm...

Well, that's weird, Trig, I don't get it. Don't get what, Del? This is the bit where I fall through the bar, you know, the funniest scene in British sitcom history, but instead I've ended up leaning against this sort of Perspex windscreen, haven't I? Well, it's the old pandemic, isn't it, Del? Perspex screens all round the bar now.

Well, that has bloody ruined it, hasn't it? Bloody ruined it! Look on the bright side, Del. Now it can chat up those two birds. Good point, Trey. Good point. I'll see if I can interest them in one of these knock-off Bulgarian coronavirus testing kits. Or would he flog 50,000 of them to Matt Hancock the dozy tart? Good evening. Now, before we show you highlights of Burnley's game with Manchester City, we have to address

the shameful White Lives Matter banner that was flown over the stadium. And I believe we can actually speak now to the pilot? No, no, no. Let me speak. Nigel Farage. So you're the man behind all this. Think about it, Gary. A rickety-looking light aircraft, a dangerously flappy banner, a mindless racial slur.

Of course it was me! I'm clubbing the centre of this weirdly specific airborne right-wing extremist Venn diagram. The stunt has been widely condemned. You going to issue an apology? An apology? You must be madder than a cheeseless Frenchman. I'm going to double down. You should see what other banners I had in the back of my plane. Women should be seen, not heard. An apology? You must be natter than a cheeseless Frenchman. I'm going to double down. You should see what other banners I had in the back of my plane. Women should be seen, not heard. Fire the Muslims into Mount Doom. And free Rothmans for babies.

There's no limit to my ambition, Gary. Today Burnley, tomorrow Rochdale. You're watching Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. Watermelon sugar high, watermelon sugar high, watermelon sugar high, watermelon sugar. More on that story later. Health leaders have published an open letter questioning Britain's level of preparedness for a second coronavirus spike in the winter.

Matt Hancock, the slightly creepy stepdad who keeps all the drawers in his study locked, joins me now. What do you say to these concerns? Look, people are worried. I understand that. But as Health Secretary, I will work round the clock so when it comes to a second wave, Britain will be every bit as unprepared

as we were the first time around. I will ensure that once again there will be no PPE, a track and trace system that is rubbish and thousands of care home residents abandoned to their fate. But that would be totally inept. I'm Matt Hancock, Kirsty. I'm so inept I have a picture of Chris Grayling on my wall Coming to a newly reopened cinema near you The most anticipated film of the year Good Lord, Bond What on earth has happened to you? Nothing

I mean I suppose I may have let myself go a little bit over lockdown Where have you been getting your food from? Eat Just eat Moneypenny, get Bond a new suit And make my trousers elasticated Go a little bit over lockdown? Where have you been getting your food from? Eat. Just eat. Moneypenny, get Bond a new suit. And make my trousers elasticated.

Bond is back in no time to diet. Plus, he really needs a haircut. Things have changed since you were furloughed, Bond. Another criminal genius on the loose? No, I mean it, MI6. We all work from home now. Weapons training works surprisingly well on Zoom. But now lockdown's over, we can get back to your normal, fast-paced, globe-trotting adventures.

We've received intelligence Blofeld is in Russia. We need you to eliminate him as soon as possible. I'll fly out tonight. Perfect. And then once you've undergone two weeks' quarantine at the best Western St Petersburg, with a bit of luck, you'll still be there. Today, I can announce the next step in Scotland's coronavirus strategy to help us recover as quickly and safely as possible. And that strategy is do the opposite of whatever Boris Johnson says.

is do the opposite of whatever Boris Johnson says. I'm standing in a lost world. Until now, beyond the reach of humans. The atmosphere is cold and barren and the terrain underfoot is sticky, almost resinous. And all around, darkness prevails. But as science continues to expand our horizons, could human life here one day be a reality? Look, mate, if you're after a point, we don't open till next week.

Now, clear off. You're watching that thing everyone says is great. If you don't watch it soon, you'll feel a bit left out of the conversation. So here you are watching it, even though it's probably not your kind of thing anyway. It's normal people. Conall? Yeah? You know, the birth rate has declined.

People are having less sex during lockdown. Lloyd? Conall? Is that you asking me for sex? Go on then. Marianne, did people stop having sex because they were too busy watching us having sex? They did spend a lot of time watching us have sex. There was that sex when we were sad.

And that sex when we were really sad. And the sex we had with other people before we had sex with each other again. Did we take the whole country's sex quota, Marianne? More likely it was people watching us at it rather than bothering doing it themselves. Fancy another go at it? Eh, why not? This is the 6 o'clock news with Fiona Bruce.

You're not getting inside my bubble, so dream on. The headlines. There's been an outbreak at a meat processing plant in Wales and 200 workers have tested positive for COVID-19. The Welsh First Minister for the country the size of Wales, Mark Drakeford, joins us now. Hello, Fiona. Just a quick heads up. No one's going to pay any attention to this bit because it's not London enough.

Wales is very important, I'll have you know. No, I'm just saying what everyone's thinking. So, let's give this news story the attention it deserves by discussing it in terms that English people can understand by using Gavin and Stacey characters. No, no, just stop it. This is what you cosmopolitan types always do. Treat Wales like a joke. This is a serious story, a huge outbreak in an abattoir.

Governor Stacey is fictional and has nothing to do with it. Yes, but I can already hear them reaching for the dial to watch Foyle's War on ITV3. Go with me on this. Say Smithy turns down Nessa's marriage offer, Uncle Gwyn devastates... No, no, stop this. The heartbreak is too much for Nessa. She shacks up with Dave Coaches, and they move out of Barry Island to start a new life on Anglesey.

Nessa gets a job as a shift supervisor at this meatpacking plant, and she's the first to test positive for the virus. Now we've got the nation's attention. That is absolutely... Actually, that's oddly plausible. Yes, so Nessa from Gavin and Stacey has tested positive for the virus. So what's your question? I'm so sorry.

I've just had word that three joggers have caught a sniffle in Battersea. So London trumps Wales once again. Sorry, you had your chance. Oh, curse you, London. BBC Radio 4. And now, The Archers. As lockdown eases in Ambridge, Kenton's preparing to reopen the book. reopen the book. No, no, no, no, Kenton. The tables need to be one metre plus apart. It's roughly the length of one dead Nigel sprawled on the ground.

Remind me why you're here again, Linda. Well, I tried being a well-rounded character, but it was such hard work I've gone back to being the two-dimensional busybody. I just want to make sure the government guidelines are being implemented, Kenton. We can't risk an outbreak. Imagine if we had to go into another lockdown. Don't, Linda. We promised never to discuss what happened to us all in lockdown again.

It got a bit weird. Let's just leave it at that. I couldn't stop talking to myself. None of us could. Oh, look, it's Eddie and Clary. Welcome back. Let me get you a drink. Not so fast. What's going on?

Right, government guidelines. I'm afraid you need to register before you can come into the pub. What are your particulars, please? Well, as you very well know, Linda, we're Eddie and Clary Grundy. We live at Grange Farm. And we're a borderline offensive comic parody

of rural West Midlands country folk. We are getting grittier, but it never feels quite right with these accents. I hope you're not going to do anything awful with all that data you just harvested from us, Linda. Well, I was planning to sell it to the Russians.

Oh, that's all right then. Just as long as you don't give it to any of those archers' fan sites. I've already told them. Them monologues weren't my idea. Frodo, you seem worried. I am, Gandalf. It's the orcs. I'm scared their evil spies will find me in no time.

Oh, Frodo, you have nothing to fear. I promise you will be safe. Do you have a spell that conceals me from the forces of Saruman? No, Frodo. I've downloaded the government's test and trace app to your iPhone. There's not a hope in hell of anyone finding you. Mr. President, what do you have to say? Mr. President, please answer the question. Shut up, you losers. It's the Donald talking now. Mr. President, it was reported that you were enraged by the small crowd for your rally in Tulsa. That was not a small crowd. It was huge. So huge. My fans loved me so much they brought thousands of empty chairs to pay tribute. So great. The mood in the hall was infectious and

everyone left with a lump in their throat and mucus in their lungs. I showed the world that I am truly a historic president. I drank a glass of water with one hand, and it was a big glass, too, not one of those teeny ones dentists give you to rinse your mouth on. And because I am great, really, really great, they're trying to get rid of me. I have uncovered a conspiracy between the American people and ballot boxes. They're going to use them to vote in November, and the only thing that stands in the way of me winning a second term is voting. That's why I'm redoubling my efforts today to persuade the American people to drink bleach, shoot each other with guns, and die at the hands of the Kung Flu in record numbers. So by the time of November's ninth wave, ninth wave, America will just be

an empty wasteland and the only person left will be me and the cockroaches, or Don Jr. and Eric, as I call them. Hello, Professor Chris Whitty speaking. Hey, Chrissy, Chrissy. There's only one Chrissy Whitty, the prettiest, wittiest professor of epidemiology in all the land. It's NHS Test and Trace here. Right. Look, I'm really sorry to have to call you like this because you're doing

such important work, vetoing all the government's plans and just genuinely being a big old Debbie Downer about everything. Look, sorry, I'm going to stop you. I don't think you are who you say you are.

What? Well, for a start, you've actually managed to get hold of me, something a genuine member of the government's tracing team would never be able to do. Oh. There seems to be some interference on the line, and... Oh, Superman's just arrived, and he says he really needs to borrow my phone, so better be off. Sorry. Bye. Right. What a total amateur.

Oh, so maybe it was real after all. In a world filled with death and despair, there is one group of British superheroes dedicated to upholding all that is good and decent. Sir Ian McKellen. Stay in the shadows, Balrog. Sir Patrick Stewart. Stay the course, Mr. Riker. Dame Judi Dench. Stay on

target, Commander Bond. And Alan Bennett. Stay away from those bakewells, Doris. That waitress had dirty fingernails and I bet you a pound of plums she'll have us all COVID positive. They are the National Treasures. The National Treasures have been summoned to their secret base deep beneath the BAFTA headquarters.

We are here today to deal with our nemesis who is committed to destroying everything we hold dear. You mean the Borg. No, Treacle, they're fictional. Take your Star Trek pyjamas off, for goodness sake, and join us in the real world. I'm talking, of course, about Rishi Sunak. Don't mention that name. I have to. He's allowing the theatres to go

dark, and in so doing, preventing people applauding us. This cannot stand. The theatre does also generate a billion pounds for the economy, Ian. Oh, details, details, details, ducky. Let's stick to the important stuff. People clapping, sometimes standing up and clapping.

The outer perimeter has been breached. Oh, no, he's here. I can smell expensive aftershave. Hello, treasures. Be gone, accursed sunak, or we will record a powerful YouTube video dismissing you as a Philistine. National Treasures, I'm here to tell you I'm going to do whatever it takes to destroy the theatre. I don't care if it is one of our biggest industries.

But why? When I was seven, I was due to be the first wise man in our nativity play. But Mrs Fitzpatrick said I couldn't be heard at the back of the hall, so I was due to be the first wise man in our nativity play. But Mrs Fitzpatrick said I couldn't be heard at the back of the hall. So I was dropped. I spent my life obsessively accumulating gold, hating Christmas and vowing to destroy all theatre. But Rishi, being bitter about a theatrical experience and holding a grudge for 40 years is what we do.

She's right. I haven't talked to Trevor Nunn since 1979 when he called me Patrick Slaphead. So, Rishi, my little button, that makes you a lovey in all but name. Oh, yeah. So it does. Here's a grant of 50 billion pounds. Hoorah! That's great! Hey, crack open the tat, Andre. Make it so.

What's up, my friends? This is Yoga with Adrienne. I am Adrienne. Thank you, friend, for showing up on the map today. Take a breath now and celebrate tearing yourself away from that family Zoom call, your terrible kids, and the fridge. Awesome work. So we're going to start this practice lying down today. Feel the softness as you block out the last six hours of homeschooling.

Breathe in as you acknowledge you were crap at converting fractions into decimals. Breathe out as you forgive yourself for failing to explain race inequality to a toddler. Check in with your hips. Celebrate the contribution lockdown sourdough made to them, remember? Okay, now we're all here to find what feels good, so I hope you took some time before class to fill your water bottle with some wine or Valium. So as we sink into the floor, I'll keep saying words like Savasana and Pranayama so your husband knows this is a legitimate yoga move and not just an excuse to have a nap.

So, okay, find an ease now, a lightness, as you take your blanket, a totally legitimate yoga tool, and have a big juicy cry into it. If your husband hears you weeping or snoring, tell him it's the sweet, sweet sound of you realigning your chakras. He's probably been watching my videos too, you know, but maybe not for the same reason you are. Namaste. Lawrence Howard, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Cody Darla, Jeffrey A. Doo, Sophie Dixon, Paige Wilson and Athena Koblenu. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.