Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, Series 20, Episode 5

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

If you don’t know what a Kanye West is, then Joan Bakewell will explain all, and Her Majesty the Queen tells us why she’s helping out the FBI. There’s also a special guest at Downton Abbey, and a new role for Daniel Day Lewis. Starring: Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Debra Stephenson.Written by Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Athena Kugblenu, Cody Dahler, Gareth Ceredig, Jeffrey Aidoo, Alex Hardy, Paige Wilson, Sophie Dickson and Edward Tew.Producer Bill Dare A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Hello, I'm Dr Hannah Fry. And I'm Dr Adam Rutherford and we present the curious cases of Rutherford and Fry, that's me and her. We certainly do and every week what we do, we take a listener question, an everyday mystery, if you will, and we try and investigate it. Using the combined powers of science, books and occasionally the internet. Sometimes we just look it up. But anyway, we are back with a new series that's investigating queries like... Why do our tummies rumble?

Can we make it rain? And what exactly is the point of wasps? What is the point of wasps? It's the end bit, the other end of their faces. LOLs. I was really pleased with that. You can hear all the answers to these questions and more by

subscribing to The Curious Case of Rutherford and Fry on BBC Sounds. Or wherever you get your podcasts. Ah, you are listening to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC, recorded remotely and all interconnected with the finest technological washing lines ever created. Lockdown? Ah, no, no, no. The unifying effects will be incalculable. To enjoy, have a jelly baby.

Dead Ringers, the lockdown version. Hello and welcome to Gardener's Question Time with me, Cathy Clugston, and to the many listeners writing in to ask how Eric Robson is doing now. Well, he's proving an excellent mulch to my begonias. Right, on the panel this week is Bunny Guinness. Just water it more. We haven't started yet, Bunny. And Bob Flowerdew.

You need to replant it into a pot. Stop it, you two. Our first question comes from a Mr Sunak who's calling from London. Hi, I recently came into possession of a magic money tree and I want to make sure it keeps giving out money. I see. And what kind of crop do you have? Hundreds of billions for a furlough scheme, for a youth job creation project and green initiatives.

Who knows? I might re-nationalise the railways next. It just keeps giving and giving. Gosh, how wonderful. How did you come by the magic money tree? Er, well, erm, I just found it. Wait, somebody's breaking in. He did not find it. He nicked it off me. That is my magic money tree. Only when I had it, it was dangerous Trotskyite claptrap.

No, it is mine. I'm the one showering the electorate with cash. That is what I was going to do. I set it out very clearly when I was leader of the Labour Party. Well, we'll have to leave it there. Join us next week where a Mr Cummings wants to know the best

way of clearing out dead wood. Hello. You reached Michael Gove from the government. If you've heard anything at all about me doing some rather tasteless things when I was at uni, well, I didn't. And that's a govey-govey promise. Something as reliable as the government's

world-beating test and trace system. Here comes the Govertone. Hi, Mike, it's Dom Cummings. Look, I know you're getting a lot of stick about that slave auction when you were at Oxford. I know you want to forget it ever happened and put it all behind you, but just listen to me.

Don't you dare. I paid good money for you, and a little less for Boris. I am your master, and I'm still waiting on that Kit Kat I asked you for 20 minutes ago. Just bring it up with my latte. You're listening to Today with me, Nick Robinson. And me, Michelle Hussain.

The headlines. Kanye West has announced he's running for president in November. Kanye says if elected, he'll run the White House like Wakanda in Black Panther. Bigly sad news for you, Kanye. Been there, done that. My entire first term has been based in a classic movie, Airplane. Chancellor Rishi Sunak announced two-for-one restaurant vouchers in August. The deal allows you to choose a starter, main course and which hospital you'll go to in September with Covid symptoms. The government says it'll pick up the wages for newly employed 16 to 25-year-olds for six months, whilst their parents will continue to pick up their clothes in their bedroom indefinitely. Rishi Sunak says his £190 billion bailout plan is 100% focused on jobs, mainly getting Boris Johnson's job by Christmas. The historian David Starkey has

apologised for making a racist remark on a history podcast, describing it as awfully clumsy. I deeply regret what I said, because I've always prided myself on the elegance of my racism. We're joined now by fellow historian Mary Beard. Do you have concerns about how all this has played out? Well, I do think it's wrong that one offensive word should end the career of a brilliant and distinguished historian. And what about David Starkey? Well, he can go swivel. Mary Beard, thank you. And in other news, the police are under pressure to explain why they put black Olympic gold medallist Bianca Williams and her husband in handcuffs. Priti Patel denied

racial profiling was to blame. Well, I don't believe there's any merit in that accusation. I myself, a woman of colour no less, frequently travel in a black car with darkened windows and I've never been stopped by the police. In fact, I usually see the police in the rearview mirror and they never pull me over. Finally, there was a stunned reaction on Twitter after 150 academics and writers wrote an open letter deriding council culture, with everyone asking, what's a letter? Welcome to Sky News. I'm Beth Rigby.

Some people were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. I was born with an egg risk in mine. I'm here live in a hospital car park with the kid who always stares at you on the bus, Matt Hancock. Yes, hi, hello. Minister, there's been outrage over the parking charge for NHS staff. How do you expect them to pay for this? Well, like this. You just put in your time and parking space number, press OK,

and now it's asking me to pay, so I just... What are you doing? I'm paying. By clapping? Yes. Right. You do know that applause is an actual currency? Of course it is. It's what we use to reward all our NHS staff. Then why hasn't the machine issued a ticket?

Hmm. Well, not to worry. I'll try an alternative method of payment. Mr Hancock, I don't think that care badge is going to fit into the slot. That's very strange. How about this picture of a rainbow? If that doesn't work, I don't know what to suggest. You could try money. I think I'll just risk parking on a double yellow? Good evening. The arrest this week of Gillian Maxwell by the FBI rarely did come as a shock. One doesn't know if Prince Andrew was in Pizza Express

woking when he heard the news, but one's almost certain that's where he'll remember he was. Andrew has been very down in the dumps since the Emily Maitlis interview. I told him he should have opted for Alan Titchmarsh, but kids won't listen, will they? Philip called it a ruddy car crash, and he knows a thing or two about car crashes.

Some say Gillen's arrest could ultimately see Andrew doing jail time. One really doesn't know the protocol for having a family member banged up. What about visiting day? Would one have to be preceded onto D-Wing by Black Rod banging three times on Andrew's cell? Should one, for example, wear an extra large crown stuffed with contraband snout? example, wear an extra large crown stuffed with contraband snout? Is one allowed to smuggle a file into prison inside a swan? You see, they don't teach you any of this in Queen School. One doesn't seriously think Jolene's arrest will lead to Andrew doing time. Oh no, what will lead to Andrew being banged up is this wire I'm wearing. I've seen good fellas enough times to know when the FBI comes calling, you don't mess about. But why have I ratted Andrew out? Simples. The witness

protection programme. The FBI said that in exchange for my cooperation, I could have a new life and a whole new identity. And you know what? I rather fancy that. I'm going to be the long-lost half-sister of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands. It's going to be clogs, daffodils and top-grade skunk for yours truly from now on. Get in! You're listening to Front Row. Well, the government has surprised us all by announcing a whopping £1.5 billion in funding for the arts. Sir Ian McKellen joins me now. Kirstie Ducky, this money is a godsend. It means the arts sector can stop worrying about survival and get back to doing what it does best. Nurturing new talent? No,

casting me in things. Yes, you're going to play Hamlet, traditionally a role for a man in his 20s. Well, that's just the beginning, darling. Yes, well, we do have some sneak previews of upcoming projects this money will be used to fund, such as Normal People Season 2. Conall? Is everything OK? You seem different. Who? Me? No, I'm my usual athletic, student-age self. I'm just weighed down by things that concern us young people nowadays, like video game violence and tamagotches. Oh, right.

Anyway, do you fancy having sex? Oh, well, all right then. And another project that's received the New Arts funding is I May Destroy You Season 2. Oh, my days, it's you, the girl from Twitter. Yes, yes, it's me. I loved Chronicles of a Fed-Up Millennial. Well, I am just one fed-up millennial black woman

trying to tell her own story. Can I get a selfie? Of course, of course. Remind me, what is a selfie? So, Sir Ian, there could be a bright future after all. Oh yes, Pumpkin, I'll be fine. Actually, I meant for the arts. Whatevs.

Hello, you've reached the voicemail of Keir Starmer, Fabio for Centrist Mums. Starmer, old man, big night here. No, no, no, don't delete this message. Let me finish. I was reading the papers down the pub last Sunday, and I saw that old Jezza Clarkson said he might support you at the next election. I don't mind telling you, I almost spat out my Rothmans at a passing child. But then I thought, if that boorish old pork-scratching can see something in you, then maybe I can as well. I mean, even fellow Trump brown-nosed up here see Morgan as becoming a bit of a lefty. Can you imagine? Got me thinking. I may even be persuaded to sprinkle a bit of the old Farage star dust on your campaign trail.

Although there are one of two things you need to work on first. All that human rights mumbo-jumbo you used to muck about with, toss that, fling it. Human rights are for wimps and the French, but the main problem is the hair. Your stick's up like that bird from There's Something About Mary. Hair gels for woofters and the French. And forget all that unconscious bias stuff you're on about. I like my bias conscious. Well, for the first six pints anyway. Welcome to Channel 4 News with me, Cathy Newman, the Curly Whirly of current affairs. The government has announced a £3bn green investment initiative. I'm joined by the Chancellor, Rishi Sunak. Hey, Cathy. This is a really substantial package, because this package is about the environment.

This package is about jobs. And this package is about me constantly announcing packages, because I like saying the word package. And the public likes hearing me say the word package. I know some of you think of me as this frothy heartthrob figure. But on green investment, my message to the people of Britain is, I will do whatever it takes to keep you warm. When the winds blow, you can snuggle up to my fibreglass loft insulation. I may put cavities into your wall, girl, but hey, I'll never put them into your heart. And what would you say to any furloughed workers out there? Sorry babes, but we're through. But this isn't the end for you. There's a whole universe out there. Well, universal credit anyway.

Hello and welcome to The Grand Tour, the TV equivalent of your dad's mate who keeps posting All Lives Matter on Facebook. But not for any longer. If you read my latest Times article, you'll know I'm a Labour voter now. So ladies, gents and gender-fluid individuals of a non-binary persuasion, welcome to the all-new Grand Tour. Namaste. Now, you'll be expecting me to drive a tank to France with up yours garlic munchers spray-painted on the side, but no. Instead, I've just cut a hatch in the side to make it an alfresco boutique eatery serving vegan tart-ta-ta. 50% off for any white men in dreadlocks. Obviously, I've had Captain Slow and the hamster ceremoniously cancelled and replaced them with a sign that reads

Tony B. Lyre is a war criminal! Now, time to start touring. But what am I driving, you ask? McLaren F1, the Bluebird Proteus, Pagani Zonda. Let's unveil it, shall we? A Toyota Pri- A Toyota Pri... Toyota Pri... No, I can't say it. Producer!

Is there a problem, Jeremy? Get me a proper car and steak as blue as a Rees-Mogg rosette. Daddy's back. Woof! Hello, I'm Mark Kermode. Two-thirds popcorn, one-third quiff. Soon we'll be back at the movies experiencing the heart-stopping thrills of the new Bond movie and wondering if someone in the cinema is going to sneeze.

One hotly anticipated movie for Christmas is the Downton Abbey sequel. Here's an exclusive clip. Cora, I've got some terrible news. Here's an exclusive clip. I didn't make a foolish investment in the Canadian railways. I made a foolhardy investment in the Canadian railways. Any banker will tell you there's a distinction. How bad is it, Father? Should I do my extra sour face or my usual standard sour face? Extra, extra sour, Lady Mary. Like you sucked a thousand lemons dry.

We're broke. Broke? But this family can't be poor. I don't want to have to start selling my body to drunken sailors down by the docks. What will become of us when we're poor? You'll have to get a job down the pit, and I'll have to learn cockney and die of consumption. Boop, boop, bee, boop. Excuse me, sir, if I may be so bold to interject at this point.

Yes, of course, Carson. You all need to stop worrying so much. We're bust, Carson. Sir, just how close are you to total financial ruin? The bank will foreclose on Downton within the next ten seconds. I see. Ten, nine, eight. The impertinence. Any second now. Five. Four. Carson has gone quite mad. Someone shoot him. Three. Two. One.

Hi, I'm Rishi Sunak. Here's a million pounds to see you through. Hurrah! We're saved. We're saved. Oh, Rishi, you're so dishy. Permission to swoon over you. No time, I'm afraid.

Must dash. There's a theatre in Rotherham and an artisanal bakery in Shoreditch who need me. Phew, that was close. Robert, please, whatever you do, don't invest that million pounds Rishi's given us in a foolish or foolhardy Canadian Railways investment. Of course not, dear. I've invested it in the Hindenburg Airship Project. I have a very good feeling about this. Right. Someone check. What time do the docks shut? You're listening to BBC Radio 3 with me, Petrok Trelawney. So, the lockdown is easing, people are going back to work, restaurants are reopening, and so, oh dear, that means you might not spend your every waking hour hiding under the duvet to

escape from the world anymore. You might decide to go outside. And where would that leave Radio 3? Abandoned, cast back into the wilderness, our services no longer required. We can't have that now, can we? Did you know that up to 60 people per year in the UK are struck by lightning? I don't like those odds, do you? And all those people in masks, can you be sure they aren't muttering about you under their breath? Plus, I've heard since lockdown a lot of our high streets

have become absolutely overrun with Godzillas. So do you know what? I'm not sure it's worth the risk. Why not just stay inside and snuggle up to my dulcet tones? BBC Radio 3 will keep you safe. And that's a Petroc promise. Now, why don't you go and get the hobnobs? We'll have a lovely bit of Brahms. I'm Sarah Montagu and this is The World at One, or as you now think of it, The Breakfast Show. The government has announced a raft of new economic measures this week. I'm joined by Sakhir Starmer. It's nice to be here. I mean here. It's nice for my hair to be here. So let's start with the £1.5 billion arts bailout.

I actually support this in principle, but frankly, it's too little, too late. And what about the three billion pound green investment scheme? It's too little, too late. Is that the only thing you can say about government policy? Too little, too late? Not at all, Sarah. I've criticised some of their announcements for being not large or soon enough. Others I've slammed as insufficient and overdue. Others still I've branded tropity, tropar. Which means? Too little, too late.

Sir Gare, you've been Labour leader for three months and yet you've come up with no alternative policies whatsoever. That's unfair. For instance, I've been vaguely flirting with the idea of a wealth tax. And you think that's enough? No, it's too little too late. Keir Starmer, thank you. People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister here. At best for now, you just assume this is all part of some elaborate practical joke, which as yet you don't fully understand. Now, a lot of people have got bally furious with me

for saying that care homes didn't follow the correct procedures during the coronavirus outbreak. Now, obviously, the last thing I would want to do is in any way question the hard work and the dedication of all of the... Oh, no, no, not him, not now. Must praise the hard work and dedication of the care home staff. Oh no, oh no, he's here. Bad Boris. Stop your belly aching. No one likes old people anyway. No, no, you can't say that, Bad Boris. We treasure old people. Of course we don't. We wouldn't have discharged them from the hospitals full of corona into the care homes if we cared one jot about crinklies, would we?

Stop it. Stop it, Bad Boris. Don't worry, crumblies. We've got it all sorted for when we get the second spike. Yep, Rishi Sunak is sorting out two-for-one vouchers for Dignitas. is sorting out two-for-one vouchers for Dignitas. Welcome to The Andrew Marr Show. It's what Sunday mornings were made for if you don't like resting, relaxing or having a life. The Conservative government has announced a £1.5 billion support package to help the arts.

Mark Rylance, people in the arts don't tend to praise Conservative governments. Are you going to? Absolutely, Andrew. I'd like to thank the Prime Minister. That is, I want to say a big well done to the Conservative... No, it's no good. I may be the greatest actor in the country,

but even I can't play the role of an actor who's grateful to the Tories. I'm also joined by well-known Labour supporter and actress Maxine Peake. What's your response to the announcement? What I suppose I have to force myself to say is that the Conservatives have been very generous and I'm very thankful indeed. Oh God, that was horrible. That was the most sickening role I've ever had

and I've played serial killers. Finally, Daniel Day-Lewis, what do you think? I think the Conservative Party has done the right thing, shown great wisdom and leadership, and is without doubt the best government ever. I must say that seemed a very convincing tribute. Well, that's method acting for you. To create that performance, I had to live and breathe the Tory government. I had to be the government. So I've spent the last six weeks hunting grouse, doing dodgy deals with Richard Desmond, and lying about test and trace targets.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Joan Bakewell Explains Popular Culture to listeners of Radio 4. This week I explain an American phenomenon known as Kanye West. Kanye West isn't a town or even part of one, but a well-known rap artist. Rap is a form of fast-paced rhythmic speech. If you're having trouble imagining it, think how poetry please would sound if Roger McGough had taken amphetamines.

Kanye West was in the news this week because he wants to run for president of the USA. That may seem rather far-fetched to you, but in the States he's regarded as one of the more sensible candidates of recent years. He's married to a lady called Kim Kardashian, who stars, along with some other women also called Kardashian, in a reality television programme called The Kardashians. A section of the show is always taken up by an ongoing drama, a bit like Woman's Hour, except it generally ends with somebody calling somebody else a slut and running off to cry in the bathroom. The couple have four children,

North West, Saint, Chicago, Psalm. No, your radio's not skipped onto the shipping forecast. Those are the children's names. Join me next week when I attempt to explain the existence of Peter Crouch, save our summer. Spoiler alert, I fail. In a world filled with death and despair, there is one group of British superheroes dedicated to upholding all that is good and decent. Sir Ian McKellen.

Remain on the path to Mordor, Frodo. Oh, careful. Sir Patrick Stewart. Remain in stationary orbit, Mr. Riker. Dame Judi Dench. Remain in the shadows, Commander Bond. And Alan Bennett. Remain to Tunnock's Tea Cakes in Morrison's. Get your trolley out the way, barrel them babies of mine.

They are the National Treasures. The National Treasures are heading to their new secret headquarters in an empty theatre somewhere in London. I can't wait to actually be in a theatre again and getting our £1 billion arts lifeline from Rishi Sunak. Just in the nick of time, too. That should just about pay for me doing my Hamlet next year. You're doing Hamlet at 81? How will they tell you and the ghost apart? All right, ducky. At least I'm not cavorting about in space onesies in my 80s,

boldly going into rooms and then completely forgetting what I went in there for. Is it just me, or is there something mildly discombobulating about the Tories saving the arts, rather akin to being kicked to death by a gang of care bears? Not at all what you were expecting. We just have to be grateful

the Tories bailed us out. We were within days of every theatre in London going dark forever. Yes, and we can use the money to make every show we're in affordable so ordinary people can come and see them. What? What? Just kidding, treacles. It's all going behind the bar at Groucho.

That should see us through to 2023. Finally, we're home. What the bloody hell? Oh, hello. You must be the National Treasures. This is bloody hell? Oh, hello. You must be the National Treasures. This is my newest Wetherspoons. I feel like I'm back in Middle Earth. Look at him.

He's half man, half orc. Now see here, Mr Martin. You can't have turned our new headquarters into a pub. We got a billion pound grant. Came too late to save this place and lots of other bankrupt theatres. The owner needed the moolah, so I snapped it up at a bargain price. But don't worry, I'm planning on keeping some of the original features.

Like what? Like you lot. Your shift starts in ten minutes. It's OK, don't need to see your CVs. As you're all actors, I know you'll have tons of experience with bar work. You're listening to Today, How depressed must you be? On Wednesday, Britain placed Saudi Arabia on a sanctions list for the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, then just 24 hours later said we'd be resuming arms sales to them. The Foreign Secretary joins me now from his home. Mr. Robb, how do you explain this sudden change of heart?

Change of heart, Michelle? No change of heart here. I'm as steadfast as the day I staggered into my first press conference and steadfastly fainted on the podium. It's very noisy there, Foreign Secretary. That sounds like a buzzsaw. Does it? No, no, no. I'm definitely not strapped to a table as that buzzsaw comes ever closer. No, no, that's my food processor, apparently. Yes, that's it. So I do like to start my day with a healthy fruit smoothie.

Foreign Secretary, is everything OK, then? Yes, yes, fine. I'm not being tortured at all here. I just dropped a heavy punnet of blueberries on my foot. I totally came to this decision to resume arms sales of my own free will and not because electrodes had been attached to my genitals. No, please, no, not my face.

Not my beautiful, beautiful face. Please take the missus and my children, please. Ah, no. It sounds pretty grim there. Well, I'm looking on the bright side, Martha. It'd be far worse if this was Dominic Cummings. Hello, I'm Michael Parkinson, half man, half Parker Penn. For many of us elderly folk isolated at home, the last three months have been very difficult,

as we've tried to come to terms with something so horrific which suddenly entered our lives. Yes, I'm talking about Zoom. Give me the coronavirus over that any day. I didn't fight in two fictional wars to have my daughter-in-law shouting at me that I'm on mute and that I need to press the what's it button. But what has been a great comfort through this time has been the BBC, as over 75s have been watching more than ever before. So you can imagine our horror at hearing the news that the BBC is scrapping our free licence. No. No, you have crossed a line, BBC. We over-75s aren't going to take this lying down, as much as I could use a nap.

No, we're downing tools and withdrawing our services. There'll be no more antiques being brought onto the Antiques Roadshow by white-haired old codgers in fleeces No more pensioners larking about with their trendy comedian sons for an ironic take on generational attitudes on BBC Three Scrap this charge now, BBC, or else We're giving you until the end of the countdown clock noise and then we shall unleash hell

Once we've had a cup of bovril laced with carnation milk, read the Radio Times from cover to cover, and put some circles around things we'd quite like in the Bodine catalogue. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby.

The writers were Ned Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howes, Ed Amsden and Tom Cobes, James Bug, Athena Koblenou, Simon Alcock, Cody Darla, Edward Chew, Gareth Seredig, Geoffrey Aydoo, Alex Hardy and Cassie Smith. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare. Gary Lineker here. The Match of the Day Top Ten podcast is back with me and Jermaine Genus. This time we'll be chatting to some huge European stars to get the answers we all want to hear. Who was Cesc Fabregas' craziest teammate? Which goal is Gianfranco Zola's favourite?

Subscribe to find out. The Match of the Day Top Ten podcast. Check it out on BBC Sounds.