Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, Series 20, Episode 6

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

If you’ve ever wondered what Michael Gove’s real job was, this episode reveals all. Plus the government’s Covid rules are clarified at last, and Laura Kuenssberg and the BBC’s North America correspondent battle it out to establish who in the world has said the stupidest thing. Starring: Jon Culshaw, Jan Ravens, Lewis MacLeod, Duncan Wisbey and Debra Stephenson.Written by Nev Fountain & Tom Jamieson, Laurence Howarth, Ed Amsden & Tom Coles, James Bugg, Simon Alcock, Cody Dahler, Edward Tew, Gareth Ceredig, Alex Hardy, Athena Kugblenu, Lewis Cook and Paige Wilson.Producer Bill Dare A BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Ah, you are listening to the Friday Night Comedy podcast from the BBC, recorded remotely and all interconnected with the finest technological washing lines ever created. Lockdown? Ah, no, no, no. The unifying effects will be incalculable. To enjoy, have a jelly baby. Dead Ringers, the gradually easing lockdown version.

Mr. President, are you taking the credit for the UK banning Huawei's 5G network? Oh yes, that was all down to the Donald. I'm scared of Huawei. They're from China. China. Where the China virus comes from. Kung flu. We don't need five of their China flu-gees. Or even the fu-gees. The Chinese flu-gees fu-gees.

Now Boris has banned Huawei, I'm gonna make him ban all the other things from China that scare me. Those tiny trees, flappy dragons, chopsticks, cookies that tell your future. That's some really scary crap. Better still, let's build a wall to stop China.

A big wall. A great wall. A great wall of China. That's my idea. A wall so bigly great you can see it on Kevin Spacey. Mr. President, another question. Mr. President, are you angry about your niece's memoir? She's just trying to cash in on the fact I'm president. Both Don Jr. and Eric agreed with me about that at the launch of their new cola that Ivanka couldn't come to.

As she was launching her new President Trump barbecue condom range. They're ribbed and they taste like ribs. Eleven different herbs and prophylactics. Mr. President, your niece claims your dad was a cruel, unhinged tyrant who was mentally unstable and racist. Sure, but Fred had some bad points too. We meet again, Obi-Wan. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but a learner.

Now I am the master. Only a master of evil, Darth. Prepare to die, Obi-Wan. But first, I need to take off my mask. What? I don't think you should do that, Darth. Don't impinge on my freedom, Obi-Wan.

Masks are muzzles. They're face nappies, and I choose not to wear one. But if you take it off, you will die. Fake news. It's all manufactured conspiracy theories by elite Jedis designed to make me look stupid. Let me just get this straight, Darth. You're a powerful, evil authoritarian leader who makes a virtue out of acting tough.

But you can't cope with a silly little mask. It's itchy. Okay, take it off. Right. Well, that was easy. I'm off back to Tatooine. I'm an old bloke and I need to self-isolate. You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney.

The headlines. There was outrage after high-profile Twitter accounts were hacked and used to spread a Bitcoin scam. The Twitter Bitcoin scammers are thought to have amassed an incredible 400,000 Bitcoins, which is almost £11.08 in actual money. In the UK, despite having the full backing of Number 10, Chris Grayling somehow managed not to be elected as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. A tafwa! What were those Bally Tory MPs doing voting for someone else? Come on, chaps, when you think Chris Grayling, the first word surely which springs to mind is

intelligence. Fwa! The government announced that from July 24th, everyone in England must wear a mask in shops. Despite that, Michael Gove was seen shopping without one. Well, it's all right for you people. You just have the one face to cover. But Govie, Govie, Govie has at least two on the go at all times. Of course, I support this idea, but I vehemently oppose it as well.

See, it's a nightmare. Meanwhile, the Home Office has unveiled the new post-Brexit immigration policy. Priti Patel joins me now. Well, Nick, we want a system that says to the world that we're open and welcoming by telling tens of millions of EU citizens that we're closed and they're no longer welcome. These plans are designed to attract skilled workers, but you've excluded care home staff. Well, that's because, Nick, they're not skilled, they're essential.

But if they're essential, surely they must be skilled? Well, no, because they're essentially unskilled, or skilfully inessential, skilcentially inessential? Sorry, am I making sense? Much more than usual. The government has banned the Chinese firm Huawei from Britain's 5G network over spying fears. They've said ending the Huawei contract will take up to seven years, something that will come as no surprise to anyone who has a phone with EE.

The government has brushed aside concerns this would mean no 5G super-fast broadband for consumers. William Hague joins me now. Have no fear, Martha. I have the answer to our communications conundrum. Homing pigeons? Exactly, Martha. Nature provides the answer. Homing pigeons are the broadband of the North.

I just attach my little message to their leg like so and voila! Off she goes. In just three weeks, Fionn will have my tea ready. Despite the ongoing pandemic, Number 10 urged businesses to get ready for Brexit in January. Kind of like asking a heart attack victim to run a marathon the day after being admitted to intensive care. Buck up Britain! Embrace the positives of Brexit. We're positive holiday roaming charges are back. We're positive of gridlock all around a 40-acre lorry park in Ashford, Ghent. And we're positive we're getting £70 billion worth of new customs forms and additional red tape. Hurrah for Brexit! You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards. The economy has been slow to recover since the easing of lockdown. Here's Sophie Raworth with more. Thanks, Hugh. I'm at a Wagamama's in central London, the same restaurant where Rishi Sunak announced his plan to help stimulate the economy last week. Hold on a minute. Is that him on table two?

Mr Sunak? Mr Sunak, why are you still here? Well, Sophie, restaurants such as these are vital for our country's economic recovery. And if other people aren't going to get the economy going, then I am. Eduardo, another ten katsu curries. Mr Sunak, you're looking a little less svelte than usual. That's because I've been eating out to help out, Sophie. Five mils a day, every day. A calzone here, a zinger bucket there. All washed down with ten bottles of lager. I thought you didn't drink. I will do whatever it takes

to get the economy moving. It's Rishi to the rescue. OK, got a dash. I've got my third haircut of the week booked in at two. I'm getting a tattoo of a badly translated Chinese proverb at three, followed by a quick back sack and crack. Eduardo, whack open a doggy bag. I'm having the teppanyaki to go. Hello, Michael Gove here, answering the phone as it's basic good manners. Michael, it's Tom Cummings.

Look, I saw you on TV earlier. Oh. Yeah, saying that you didn't think people should have to wear masks in shops. Oh. It's funny because unless there's something wrong with my eyesight, which I know there isn't, just ask the residents of Barnard Castle. You're not the PM. No, no, no, absolutely right. Remind me, who did I make Prime Minister? Boris. And what a wise choice it was. And what do we agree your role was going to be? I was honoured to accept the role of Boris's pet blobfish. Pet blobfish, exactly.

Now what's a blobfish doing going around telling people what they can and can't do? Getting ideas above its station, I'd say. You've been a naughty blobfish, haven't you? What are you? I'm a naughty blobfish. Great. So there's no confusion about who's in charge and who's a species of deep water jelly. Now, why don't you sing us your little song

while I finish cutting the cables on Julian Lewis's jug? I'm a naughty blobfish, blob, blob, blob. Here's my eyes and here's my dorsal fin. Hello and welcome to Inside the Factory with me, Greg Wallace, Mr Potato Head with a few bits missing. I've been visiting factories across the country. This week, I'm at Boohoo's Fast Fashion Suppliers in Leicester, where I've come to talk to Manager Jess.

Things are looking busy, Jess? It's terrible. We work 16-hour shifts, and I'm earning less per hour than the price of this dress. How much is it? £3.50. Bleeding bargain. Let's get one for the missus. I see your colleague here is sewing by hand. She's just stitching in a plea for help.

British craftsmanship in every seam. It's amazing how fast you can knock this stuff up. Quicker than I can say, battery biscuit base. Sorry, we thought you came here to help us out. Like an expose or something. Look, I can't do an expose on something everyone knows about, can I? These conditions are no surprise to anyone. Why are you here then?

Same reason I go to every factory, so I can say foie when somebody says a big number. Look, there's now 10,000 of us working in slave-like conditions. 10,000? Foie! Tell me more over lunch. Lunch? You must be joking. No lunch.

This industry is pure evil. Boo to you, boo-hoo. Bye. Right, in future I'll stick to pet food packing factories. The conditions might be just as bad, but at least I'll get to nosh a bit of butcher's tripe mix. Now, Clary, time to make a cake, I think. Eggs, flour. But what dried fruit should I use?

Sultanas, of course. Oh, that takes me back. I used sultanas for Joe's birthday cake for his 80th. Oh, he did look pleased I hadn't used currants. Clary, you used to say, currants is far too small. They just get under me dentures. Sultanas do the job just fine. Fine, I said. If that's the criteria, how about next time I might use glassy cherries? There's no need to go mad, Clary, he chuckled in that gruff way of his. Clary, what's going on in there?

Go away, Eddie! Clary, I've been waiting outside that door for my dinner since March. No, Eddie, let me finish my awkward monologue. Sod that, I'm hungry. No, Eddie, the archers can't have two people in a room talking at the same time. Why not? Because of the coronavirus. Everyone else on radio can do it.

But the archers' sound man can't cope with it. He's 93 and never heard of Zoom, that's why. Ooh, what's that noise? Wind? It's as I feared. It's a stray sound effect. Two voices was too much for him. He's had an aneurysm and collapsed on the mixing desk. Clary, the cows have turned into tigers. And now seagulls and dinosaurs are around

and they're fighting the tigers with swords. It's a sound effect feedback, Luke. There's only one way out of it. Quick, put on these heavy boots and run across that tray of gravel. Oh, thank goodness that seems to have done the trick. Now all we have to do is hide here quietly and wait for the theme tune to kick in. That should have happened 15 seconds ago. But that's not possible.

Unless the bloke who plays the theme tune found the sound guy on the floor and also had an aneurysm trying to revive him. Oh dear. Only one thing for it. Dum de dum de dum de dum Dum de dum de dum de dum Here at Disney World Florida we've missed you since we've been closed,

but now the happiest place on Earth is ready once again to throw open its gates. Of course, there have been some minor changes, but you can still explore all our magical worlds. Adventureland, Tomorrowland, Animal Kingdom, and ICUland, where you can see all your favorite Disney characters being ventilated, like Goofy. Gosh, and I thought COVID-19 was a hoax made up by the biased liberal media. Mickey Mouse. Oh, no, I'm 92 years old, so I'm in the high-risk group.

And, of course, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I'm certain we're not going to get this nasty virus if we just isolate together. Just me, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, and... Oh, shit. So come to a fantasy world far removed from reality. And once you've reached America, come to Disney World Florida. And if you thought Space Mountain was scary, just wait till you see our most terrifying attraction yet.

A whole catering team who don't believe in wearing masks. People of Britain. Now, there's been a lot of grumbling and bellyaching this week that my government's pandemic message is muddled, unclear and confusing. So, to put it plainly and simply, up until this past month, backdated to next Tuesday week, should you wear face masks on a boat? Yes, you should wear a face mask on a boat. Should you wear one with a goat? Yes, you should wear one with a goat.

Should you wear one on a plane and very likely on a train? Should you wear one in a box also when you're with a fox? Yes, you should wear one on a plane, on a train, in a box and with a fox. It is a very simple task. Why on earth not wear a mask? Unless that is you are a senior Tory backbencher or contrarian columnist who considers wearing a mask a monstrous imposition. In which case, you should not wear one on a boat, not with a goat, not on a plane, not on a train, not in a box and not with a fox. I trust everything is now

crystal clear. Oh, talking heads and once in a lifetime, 40 years later, and I've still no clue what that song is about. Okay, you're listening to Jeremy Vine. Now, businesses in the UK have reopened, including tattoo parlours. Sakhir Starmer is on the line. What are your views, Sakhir, on this easing? Too soon? As leader of the Labour Party, I've proven that I'm a clinical, sensible leader. But some people are starting to think I'm just a little bit dull.

So I've decided this is the moment to take action and get my first tattoo. I've had the words, clinical sensible leader in Times New Roman font on my left bicep. As a permanent reminder to voters that you're willing to take a risk, but not too far. Permanent? Oh no, it was one of those transfer tattoos. I got it out of a bubblegum packet. Right. I also got a nose ring because nose rings make people interesting. Sir Keir, how does that look on you? Well, it made me look a little too interesting, so I ruthlessly removed it like I ruthlessly removed Rebecca Long Bailey,

proving yet again that I am a decisive leader who gets things done. Okay, so no tattoo, no nose ring. How about changing your hairstyle? What? I'm not an absolute off-the-chain crazy man. Hello, I'm Mark Kermode, Morrissey's grumpy nephew. With film production still in the doldrums, movie studios are having to reissue existing films with minor changes. Well, Clarice, do we have a deal?

I help you track down Buffalo Bill, and you transfer me to a different institution, one with windows so I can see the sun. Yes, Dr. Lecter. But we will first strap you to this trolley and attach this mask. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No masks. I can't do a mask. They get a little sweaty and they send your breath up your nose.

Dr. Lecter, we have to put a mask on or you'll try to eat people. What, me? Oh, no. Not little old me. Everyone will think I'm a big wuss if I wear a mask and the straps will make my ears stick out. I'm putting your mask on now, like it or not. Jeez, and I thought I was the monster. And now a statement from the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock. Hey guys, just wanted to reassure you that we are fully prepared for a possible second wave of coronavirus this winter. Our modelling suggests that there will be a huge demand for PPE from October. So we've placed an order for delivery in December. We've calculated that the R rate will rise in November.

So we'll be imposing a second lockdown in January. And we estimate that care homes will be under maximum pressure in February. So we'll be chucking them under the bus in April. Overall, I'm confident that this time next year, the whole country will be saying, Hancock, you've done it again. Right, best be off. The cinemas are open again, and I want to see if I can find a screening of Groundhog Day. Oh, Mike Pence. Mike, it's Donald. It's four in the morning, sir.

I just heard the Washington Redskins are changing their name. Why are they doing that? Because it contains an offensive word. Right. Washington? No, Redskins. I get that. Because if we'd been tougher on immigration,

we'd never have had these floods of Native Americans coming into our country and changing our culture. I don't think that's... Maybe I should buy the Washington Redskins. Then I could rename them in my honor as the Orange Skins. Great name. Beautiful name. Beautiful color. Well, it's better than Redskins. I've been offended by the names of sports teams my whole life. The Miami Dolphins. Dolphins don't play, men do. Change their names to the Miami Men. And Red Sox don't play baseball. Change their name to Boston Men. Men don't get the credit they deserve. When I get a second term, all these names are going in the bin. All of them? Not the New England Patriots. There's nothing I love more

than a Patriot. Well, maybe cheeseburgers. But Patriots are pretty high up, and cheeseburgers can be Patriots. If I came second to a cheeseburger, I wouldn't complain, unless it was a Democrat. Or a dolphin. Or a dolphin cheeseburger. Ooh, I'm getting hungry. Mike, we could have a midnight feast. I got some donuts.

You could bring cookies. Hello, and welcome to The One Show. I'm Alex Jones. Every Facebook friend you have rolled into the one person. Hello and welcome to The One Show. I'm Alex Jones, every Facebook friend you have rolled into the one person. And I'm Andrew Neil. Don't use me on non-stick pans because you'll ruin them. Andrew, what are you doing here? Oh yes, sorry, I heard about them axing your show.

That's awful, you must be gutted. No, no, hardly. Why should I be upset that the most skilled forensic interrogator of our ruling classes has been unceremoniously tossed onto the broadcasting scrapheap? In the middle of a global pandemic, by an organisation so nobbled by its own insecurities, it stumbles from one wretched, unforgivable mistake to the next, trashing its reputation as a serious news broadcaster. Phew, well, at least you're not bitter. So, what are you doing here?

Oh, is this a midlife crisis? Co-hosting the one show, Leather Jacket, Motorbike, you'll be dating a woman half your age three years ago next. This is nothing like that I just realised I have to keep With the times Forget about my show

And move on Well good for you A fresh start So on the show tonight We have a cheese That's allergic to cheese What? A hat stand

Which drives a Ferrari No no no no please God no Some lint that claims He was discovered In Lulu's belly button And Diane Abbott No, no, no, no, please. God, no! Andrew! This is the 10 o'clock news.

I'm Hugh Edwards, enveloping the whole country in a news hug the size of Wales. The headlines, Boris Johnson has said a stupid thing. Laura has the details. Yes, Hugh, it was at PMQs when the Prime has said a stupid thing. Laura has the details. Yes, Hugh, it was at PMQs when the Prime Minister said this stupid thing. It's not known whether a Conservative central office will clarify it or deny it. But there's no getting away from how stupid it was. I'm going to have to stop you there, Laura, because we've just had reports that President Trump has said an even stupider thing. Our North America editor, John S Sopel has the story.

Yes, Hugh, it was indeed very stupid. Whoa there, whoa, hold your horses. I was here first, Sopel. Our horny haystack of a prime minister has said something so mind-bogglingly moronic if a cow said it, you'd beat it to death with a rake. I demand to be heard. Laura, you're playing the big leagues now. The President

has said something so arse-paralysingly dumb it could have international repercussions. Repercussions? Oh, laddy bloody da, RPM dumped a big steaming soundbite into the cracked toilet of news. Is that so? It is so, and I think the British people

need to hear the stupid thing that the Prime Minister... John, Laura, thank you. Well, it's hard to imagine hearing anything stupider than all of that, but Big Daddy Haystack's Hugh likes a challenge. So, joining me now for the political context to this stupidity, Chris Grayling. Welcome to Location, Location, Location, with me, Allsop, a grown-up for Rooker Salt. This week we're in Ashford in Kent, helping to find a dream property for Westminster-based Michael. Hello, Kirsty. Govely to meet you.

Michael is looking for somewhere near the coast, with good transport links and off-street parking for around 11,000 heavy goods vehicles. Michael, that's quite a lot of parking. 11,000 heavy goods vehicles. Michael, that's quite a lot of parking. Oh, you know, Kirsty, it's just for when friends and family visit. You know how much wine and chocolates people bring. It does rather sound like you're looking to create a gigantic lorry park. A lorry park? What, here, in Kent? As if I would hurriedly decide to build a massive lorry park to cope with the utter chaos of the Dover Calais crossing in the event of a no-deal Brexit. No, no, no, no. I'm just looking for a place to live. The first property I want to show Michael is this quaint two-bed cottage set in 27 acres of land.

First impressions, Michael? Yeah, yeah, the house is whatevs. But I love the vast expanse of underdeveloped scrubland. You know, for the kids, they just love to play. But it is right next to the M20. No, it's perfect. You know, the kids just love having easy access to major cargo ports. Having fallen in love with the place, Michael decided to make an offer.

Unfortunately, the local council intervened. After a quick call with a man named Dominic, however, Michael somehow ended up with the property and the council leader and I were bundled into the back of a van. Join me next time when I'll be showing you just what you can get for your money if you're willing to live in a van. Hello and welcome to Peston. There's nothing wrong with your connection, it's just a lag in my voice. Today on the show we're talking masks. I'm joined in the studio by the First Minister of Wales, Mark Drakeford. Robert, we are still in the midst of a global pandemic and in light of this we are going to make wearing masks in shops mandatory at all times. Bringing you in line with the new rules in England.

And what does it? Oh, well, let's scrap that. From now on, masks are banned. And where are you on social distancing? People must remain two metres apart at all times. Much like in Scotland. What? Oh, scrap that then too. Ten metres apart. You don't want to be like Scotland either. Scotland, England, Yemen, Wales needs to be different from every country, Robert. Where do you stand on indoor sports?

Eritrea allow them, so I'm going to ban them. Beauty salons? Tricky one, because they're open in Bolivia, partially open in Namibia, and completely shut in Mongolia. So, we're going to let them open every third weekday, and anyone going in

will have to change their name by deed poll to Derek. That will make Wales unique. Are you not worried about having too many confusing and contradictory rules that no one can understand? Actually, Robert, you're right. That's exactly like England. Oh, well, forget all of them. Iceberg captain, right ahead. Okay, boys, let's turn this thing around. Starboard, starboard, OK, boys, let's turn this thing around.

Starboard! Starboard! Starboard! Now, hold on one moment. What? Matt Hancock? Yes, I'm in charge now. Look, we all agree that we should swerve around this iceberg, yeah? To save us all? Of course, man. So let's announce that right now that we are going to do exactly that in 12 days. Um, why?

You see, that's the thing with emergency precautions. You can't rush into them. Whether that be wearing masks, lockdown, testing and tracing. You madmen! We're sinking! Goodness me, yes, you are quite right about that. Let's man the lifeboats. To the lifeboats! Not so fast. They will be lowered in 12 days' time.

Meantime, I'm going to be handing out badges to the crew. People of Britain, this is your Queen. One doesn't care what Boris says about getting back to work. One is waving from home until at least Christmas. Open that bloody leisure centre in Croydon yourself, matey. Oh, and run a comb through your hair while you're about it. It doesn't do for a Prime Minister of the United Kingdom to look like he should be holding a packet of sugar puffs.

Now, Princess Kate has been all over the airwaves, singing the praises of the BBC's new digital resource, Tiny Happy People, which assists new parents in bonding with their baby. How very millennial. When I had my kids, there were no digital BBC resources to turn to, no. This queen raised her children with nothing but good old-fashioned British common sense and 8,000 nannies. I didn't do any of that trendy nonsense, and I think my kids turned out fine.

Now, I know what you're thinking. There's Charles, whose best friend is a hydranger, Andrew, whose best friend is Jeffrey Epstein, Anne, who makes Philip look like a diplomat, and Edward, bless his little cotton socks, making a decent fist of being a heterosexual. Now, that to you might sound like succession in Hunter Wellies, but in my family, where behaviour can go all the way from a bit odd to taking tea with Hitler, any child who grows up not goose-stepping down Pal-Mal is a win.

My advice, Kate, is to lay off all the touchy-feely crap and give your kids what children really want, a small country to rule over before they're nine. Toodle-pip. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howes, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles,

James Bug, Simon Alcock, Cody Darla, Alex Hardy, Athena Koblenu, Lewis Cook and Paige Wilson. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.