Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers, Series 21, Episode 4

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Sajid Javid makes his first appearance as Health Minister, Liz Truss has a message for Harry Kane and the real secret of Andy Murray’s success is revealed.The writers were Tom Jamieson and Nev Fountain, Laurence Howarth, Tom Coles and Ed Amsden, Simon Alcock, Jeffrey Aidoo, Sophie Dickson and Duncan Wisbey.Producer: Bill Dare Production Coordinator: Sarah Sharpe A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. So, Andy, how do you recharge between matches? Well, Sue, I always make sure I download the Friday Night Comedy podcast because it makes me sound euphoric, as you can hear. Hello, you've reached Labour leader Keir Starmer. I can't come to the phone right now as I'm making urgent changes to my fantasy Euro football squad.

Please leave a message at the beep. Punyhuman Kirstarmer says aye, count bin face. Intergalactic space receptacle. You know, the one with the bin on his head.

It's all a bit awkward, but I've just seen the result at Baclay and Spen, and frankly, it's not on. Joke political parties like yours and mine are not meant to actually win by elections. But next time, if you could get back to the normal ridiculous high jinx, like dressing up as a potato or fielding an arch-remainder

in a Brexit supporting seat. That would be much appreciated. Win face out! Dead ringers. Yay! People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister. Fwa! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Fwa! People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister. I see that the Labour Party has sunk so low

as to accuse me of rewriting history over the demise of Matt Hancock as Health Secretary. These are the facts. I woke early, around three o'clock on Friday afternoon... ..and was immediately alerted to the photographs published in The Sun in Deirdre's photo casebook. Featuring Matt Hancock with his lover, I instantly knew the Health Secretary had serious questions to answer.

Questions like, did she have a friend and would they be up for a foursome in a travel lodge off the A3? But I digress. Of course, like all right-thinking people in the country, I was disgusted at what Matt Hancock did. I was appalled. How was he able to get away with that under the nose of his wife when I can't so much as look at a lingerie catalogue without Carrie

grabbing me by the ear and locking me in the understairs cupboard with the Hoover and Gavin Williamson? I do so envy him. Godspeed, Matt. This is Today with Nick Robinson and Martha Carney. The headlines. It's been announced that former US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has died. A prime architect of the Iraq war, Rumsfeld wrote the dossier detailing the existence

of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, for which he later won the Booker Prize for fiction. Prosecutors in New York have charged the Trump organisation over allegations of undisclosed tax earnings. Taxes are bigly bad, they scare me. These losers are even threatening me with jail time. Jail time, jail time. Imagine the Donald in prison lying on my bed,

bored, silly, week after week with just a TV for company, eating nasty food off a tray, and at most an hour's exercise a week. Hey, sounds just like being president again. I'm going to love it. Meanwhile, in England, the focus is on the Euros. On Tuesday night is the final whistle blue strangers in pubs across England cheered, danced and hugged. Yes, this was a great result for Southgate, Kane and Covid. Harry Kane gave his reaction. Yeah, well, you know, to beat Germany at Wembley.

Yeah, well, you know, it's a dream come true, really. It makes me a little bit sad, really, because, you know, now that almost all of my dreams dream come true, really, isn't it? It makes me a little bit sad, really, because now that almost all of my dreams have come true, the only dream I've got left to come true is that one where I eat Nutella in a taxi. Seven-year-old Prince George was said to be so excited to be at Wembley to attend his first England game as he goes to the same soft play centre as Jude Bellingham. England's keeper, Jordan Pickford, made two great saves.

In fact, he's so skilled at keeping things out that Priti Patel just asked him to join her immigration department. Keir Starmer gave his reaction and joins me now. Oh, well, Martha, better luck next time, England. But they won. Exactly. Anyone can win things, can't they? There's no skill in that. But losing again and again and again,

even when your opponent is incompetent, shambolic and morally bankrupt, that takes real talent. That's why I'm gutted by the result in Batley and Spen. Goes against everything I stand for as leader. Yes, for once we were able to watch an England-Germany game without spending the whole time grimacing, shielding our eyes with our hands and praying it would end. Yes, that honour this week went instead to Matt Hancock's sexy time video. And to discuss this, Michael Gove joins me now.

Well, you know, I have to say I'm very sorry to see Matt's career go plop. But also, we mustn't forget what he has achieved as a minister. Like what? Well, he's made a lot of his friends very rich. He was generous enough to employ his lover, and he's made care homes a lot roomier. So he did the right thing to resign? To what?

Resign. Is that a word? It's an old-fashioned word, seldom used now. Resign, the act of leaving your job after doing something really badly or just plain criminal. Hmm, resign, resign. I think that's a bluff, but I'm not sure. I'm torn between thinking it's a form of heated napkin ring or the maker's stamp on a bell clapper. I'll go for the napkin ring.

Ah, Frank Muir, Mr Gove, thinks it's the napkin ring. Is he right? Let's see your card. Ah, it's a bluff. It is indeed leaving your job when you've made a complete and upper balls up of it. The Home Office announced a bizarre plan to ship migrants arriving in the UK to camps in Rwanda. Priti Patel joins me now. Don't matter anyway, plan's off. Apparently it would be illegal, but it's ended up okay, because I can dump them somewhere really bleak, hopeless, and soul

destroy in. Where? Love Island. Royal News. Princess William and Harry have both attended the unveiling of a Princess Diana statue for one day the two princes set aside their differences to focus instead on what unites them, the mutual hatred of Nicholas Whitchell.

In Wimbledon, despite barely playing this year due to injury problems, Andy Murray has lit up centre court with two epic victories. Andy, you're your old self again. Nothing could be further from the truth, Martha. I am, in fact, the total opposite of my old self. After all the surgeries I've endured over the last few years, knee, hip, back, I'm now part cyborg, a ruthless tennis machine focused solely on winning, operated remotely by my mother.

So that bit stayed the same then? I'll be back. You're watching the 10 o'clock news with me, Hugh Edwards. No, not devastated at all, actually. Besides, I've always been more of a rugby fan, really. As the government struggles to contain the fallout of the Matt Hancock scandal, further CCTV footage has emerged, appearing to show another minister in their private office with a woman.

That's it, nanny. Now pull. That's it. Just keep pulling. And then just stuff it in using your finger. And that's a double Windsor. We have reached Mount Doom, young Frodo. Now, complete your mission and throw the ring into the fires. Gladly. Finally, Middle-earth will be freed from its accursed powers.

Give me my precious. Gollum, be careful, young Frodo, for he is possessed by the curse of the ring. A curse so powerful it can never be broken. Oh, for some reason, I suddenly have no interest in the ring whatsoever. Right. Hello, lads.

Gareth Southgate. Sorry, did you just lift the curse of the Ring of Sauron? Yeah, yeah, very much so. You know, lifting curses is kind of what I do now. I mean, I got England to win a penalty shootout at the last tournament, and now we've beaten Germany in a knockout match. No curses safe with me around. Just our sleeping beauty.

Or should I just say beauty well thanks very much you've ballsed up the ending of the entire trilogy yeah yeah you know I've lifted a lot of curses to be fair in the next series of Strictly attractive celebrities and dancers will be paired without it destroying any marriages look everyone I'm Sajid Javid marriages.

Look, everyone, I'm Sajid Javid, the new Health Secretary. Let me be clear, I'm not here to make any bold claims, but what I can say is this government will lift restrictions on Freedom Day. That decision is irreversible, absolutely guaranteed. But we've seen in the past that circumstances

can change and... Look, I don't think you understand. As I said, I am the new Health Secretary, not the old one. The new one. Look, I'm so new, I'm still wrapped in cellophane. So, how do you plan to tackle the latest variant?

Look, as the new Health Secretary, I can't reveal that I have already met with COVID-19. Sorry, what? I sat down with COVID-19 and I said, hey, I'm the new health secretary. Be gone! So COVID-19 has now gone because of me, the new health secretary. I will now use my skills as the new Health Secretary

to concentrate on other pressing matters. Mr Jabb... Sorry, I really have to leave. I can hear there's a robbery taking place in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I must dash over there and save the day. In fact, I'm going to fly there by flapping my arms. Last question. With all of these new powers,

what will you do about the sleaze and corruption that plagues the Tory party? Let's not get carried away. I'm not a miracle worker. Must fly. Bye! Oh, Fleetwood Mac with Go Your Own Way. And there's lots of routes to choose from. You're listening to The Jeremy Vine Show.

With my voice totally matching the nation's mood, surging out of control as we beat the Bosch. Then suddenly calming right down, so as to not jinx the quarterfinal. The nation was horrified this week at the news that Professor Chris Whitty was accosted by two idiots in a London park. Professor Whitty joins me now. You must still be horribly shaken.

I am, a little. It wasn't pretty, witty. I've got to say, you're sounding remarkably calm. Well, there's a very good reason for that, Jeremy. I get it, I do. It's because a man of your stature simply doesn't waste time and energy on idiots like this. Wrong.

You do waste time and energy on idiots like this. I. You do waste time and energy on idiots like this. I do. And I'll tell you why, Jeremy. Because I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career as Britain's chief medical officer

to show people a series of slides which scare the living crap out of them. Next slide, please. So I will look for them, I will find them, and I will do, next slide, please, this to them. Oh, God. And when I've finished, I will do... Next slide, please. This to them. I think I'm going to be sick. And then when I've finished showing them slides, I'll probably kick their heads in. Oh! Hello, and welcome to Countdown.

And no, your television hasn't been taken over by a haunted doll. This is what I look like now. I'm Anne Robinson, and I bet you think I'm going to be really rude to everyone. Well, I'm not. I'm undermining your expectations and yaboo sacks to everyone. Well, I'm not. I'm undermining your expectations and yaboo sucks to everyone. So let's meet the contestants, Steve and Shelley. Hello, Anne. Say, Steve, you're an accountant. Yes, that's right, Anne. And Shelley, you're from Newcastle. Yes, Anne. Steve, I believe you're an accountant. Yes, you just said that. And Shelley, I see you're from Newcastle.

Yes, I've told you that. And Steve, it says here that you're an accountant. What's happened? What's happened to Anne? I think maybe without the pre-scripted insults, there's absolutely nothing to her. She's just a husk in a wig. Shelley,

I hear you're from Newcastle. What do we do? Let's ask Rachel Rayleigh. Don't worry contestants, this happens to all Countdown presenters. They normally seize up when they realise the show doesn't actually need a presenter. So, Shelley, you're from Newcastle. Let's ignore her and go over to

Susie and Giles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner. Well, Rachel, Susie and I have been exploring the origin of the word irony. As in, isn't it ironic that Channel 4 employed an aggressive presenter to shake things up, and then that presenter just sits there like a stuffed owl

with bad dental work. Hang on, wait. I think she's going to speak. Here he comes. Just focus on the auto-Q-Anne. What? Welcome to the weakest link. Oh, dear.

Anyone got Bill Ottie's number? Welcome to Newsnight with me, Kirsty Wark. I got a new man in my business, and he all about my business, and his name ain't none of your business. Oh, oh, oh, more on that story later in the wake of last week's damning cctv footage of matt hancock an anonymous source has come forward with footage taken from a camera inside sir kier starmer's office they've asked to have their face and voice disguised good Good evening, Kirsty. Well, thank you. Let's just take a look at this footage then.

Well, nothing seems to be happening. That's right. Sorry, I don't understand. He's not doing anything. Exactly. Terrifying, isn't it? The Tories scored a massive own goal with Hancock. It was the perfect chance for my party, I mean

for the Labour Party to take a stand against conservative scum he's done bugger all Well he seems to be rearranging the pencils on his desk tidy. Exactly the useless wazzock.

So I said to myself, I said, Angela, what you've got to do is show the world what is real. Sorry, did you say Angela? Are you Angela Rayner? Fine, yeah, you got me cursed. What can I say? I'm a whistleblower. I'm a doer.

I shoot from the hip. I don't suffer fools. I play fast and loose. I talk quick. I move fast. I dye me own hair over the bath. I'm dynamic. I'm a leader. I'm a bitch. I'm a lover. I'm a child. I'm a mother. I absolutely will be the next leader of the Labour Party. I'm every woman. It's all in me. Did you say you're going to be leader of the Labour Party. I'm every woman. It's all in me. Did you say you're going to be leader of the Labour Party? Listen, I've always said that if you want a job done well, do it yourself. Do, do, do, do. Angela Rayner,

thanks for joining us. Thank you, Kirsty. Now, coming up next on Newsnight... Hang on, that's my job. What can I say, Kirsty? You snooze, you lose. Hello, and welcome to Between the Covers with me, Sarah Cox. As ever, I've got four lovely guests who have all brought in their books

that bring them joy and happiness. Why don't we start with you, Teresa? Hello, Sarah. The text that I have brought in is one that I turn to whenever I'm in need of a good laugh. It's called The Northern Ireland Protocol by Boris Johnson. called The Northern Ireland Protocol by Boris Johnson. Alrighty, and what do you like about it, please?

Well, Sarah, the thing I enjoy most about it is that it's a complete and utter load of garbage. And now people have seen how it ends, they agree that it's much, much worse than the one that came before it. And I'm loving it. agree that it's much, much worse than the one that came before it. And I'm loving it. No, I don't think this is really in the spirit of the show. Oh, come on, Sarah. I'm allowed to laugh. Thank you, Sarah. I haven't laughed like that in a long time.

Look, I'm sorry, but if you carry on like this, I'm going to have to kick you out. Eventually, everyone does, but I don't care, because Teresa's having the last laugh. No, it's gone again. Come and check out my exciting range of new products at your local Oliver Bonus Store today. Like these hand-woven raffia waste paper baskets, perfect for disposing of tissues, sweet wrappers or wedding rings. And you'll love my new range of wall-mounted neon signs featuring cheeky slogans like 50 and Flirty,

It's Prosecco O'Clock, and Matt Hancock. Seriously, you're leaving me for Matt *** Hancock. Oliver bonus. Because revenge is a dish best served kitsch. Well, as Tuesday's euphoria dies down, it's time to look ahead and ask the big question, dare we believe?

Well, dare we? Alan, you all right, Alan? You've gone a bit pale. I'm daring to believe, Gary, and it's making me feel poorly. Yeah, I've got the shakes and all. This believing business is proper daring. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I dared to believe

over breakfast this morning, just a little bit, just for a moment, and then I saw it. A raven sitting at my window, its countenance full of portent. It's an omen, Gary. Heed its warning. Yeah, billion percent. History shows us the dangers of believing. I mean, look at lads like Galileo and Copernicus.

They believed something contrary to the teachings of their church and they got a straight red for it. Yeah, yeah, talking of religion, what about Joseph? He'd had to believe he was superior to his brothers and look what happened to him. Aye, lovely court, though, to be fair. Yeah. So if we all just about dare to believe,

my next question is, do we dare to dream? Er, not really, Gary, because dreaming is an activity that cannot be consciously willed, and therefore the idea of showing bravery in that context is logically incoherent. Infinity percent plus 100, Gary. Plus, I never remember my dreams, so even if I did dare to dream,

I'd never know if I'd done the thing that I'd dare to do. Lovely stuff, Rio. Join us tomorrow when we'll be discussing metaphysics with Noam Chomsky and Martin Keogh. Good night. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley, the jolly Paddington Bear of doctors, except that I hand out fewer marmalade sandwiches

and more diagnoses of type 2 diabetes. This is Just One Thing. Each week I'll be showing you just one thing you can do to live healthier, happier lives and possibly eke out your existence for a couple of extra months.

Last week I showed how we can improve our gut bacteria by eating out of extra months. Last week, I showed how we can improve our gut bacteria by eating out of a drain. This week, I'll be looking at just one thing you can do to recover from seeing the Matt Hancock CCTV footage. And my one simple tip is gouge out your eyes. Join me next week when I'll be seeing if a daily round of Russian roulette can help with mindfulness.

Cheerio! Yeah, you know, you've reached Harry Kane. Leave a message after the clichés, to be fair. At the end of the day, like the gaffer said, it is what it is. That's just football. Harry, hi, it's Liz Truss. I know! Just a quick one to say, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

don't beat Ukraine too badly, because we're relying on them for our next big trade deal. I've got a foolproof plan to save the UK economy with the finest Ukrainian oil seed, rag dolls and potato pancakes. And I don't want you lot stuffing it up by trouncing them and then going around gloating about it. In fact, ideally, you'd completely capitulate and let the other lot walk all over you without even putting up a fight. Certainly worked for me with the Australians. I know! This is The World at One with me, Sarah Montagu. Since his resignation, Matt Hancock has kept

a low profile, but he has agreed to do an exclusive interview, and he's on the line. Hello, Sarah. Fantastic day, isn't it? I'm surprised how upbeat you sound. First day of the rest of my life, oh yeah. And you're not embarrassed at all by the manner of your exit from government? Well, if I wasn't embarrassed by nurses in bin bags during the first wave, 150,000 dead, old folk riddled with Covid shoved back into care homes, am I embarrassed about

footage of me doing sexy time with a pretty lady? Let me get back to you on that one. I've just had a fabulous sleep. The backseat of this Volvo estate is surprisingly spacious. Right, so you're sleeping in your car. Oh, I'll be moving in with Gina just as soon as she returns my calls. We're such a love match. She has so much to look forward to, discovering everything about me. Imagine.

Well, where to start? When's my Dolmio day? Guess, sir. I bet you can't guess. I bet you can't. Wednesday. OK, lucky guess. OK, lucky guess. Then there's my taste in music. Very eclectic, hard to pin down.

I'm a... Now, that's what I call music 16 kind of guy. Mm, one lucky lady. Oh, look, someone's just pulling into the lay-by now. That'll be Gina. Come to pick me up. Oh, hello, someone's just pulling into the lay-by now. That'll be Gina. Come to pick me up. Oh, hello, officer. No, I can explain why I have no trousers on. Step out of the car. Don't you know who I am?

Oh, crap, you do. Dead Ringers was performed by John Colshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Deborah Stevenson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howard, Ed Amston and Tom Coles, Sophie Dixon, Geoffrey Adu, Simon Walcock and Duncan Wisby. It was a BBC Studios production and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.

A new fantasy podcast series from BBC Radio 3 and BBC Radio Wales. Beyond the forests. Beyond the valleys. There's another world. Mabinogi. Lost legends and dark magic. I know how to get there.

Where? The other world. We shall not surrender! An epic battle across the frontiers of reality. I think this is likely to end in disaster. Step into the other world. Subscribe to Babanogi. Lost legends and dark magic

on BBC Sounds. That was the Friday night comedy podcast from the BBC. I thought it was really quite good and I hope you agree with me on that. It seems to have really cheered you up, Andy. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors.

Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks.