Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dom Joly Breaks the News

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

The third of our satirical specials this summer. In a topical mash-up of prank calls, interviews and features, Dom Joly offers his mischievously surreal take on the people and stories that are hitting the week's headlines. As Dom attempts to get to the bottom of the biggest stories of the week, he challenges experts and makes calls to the wrong people about the wrong thing, often at the wrong time. Best known for Trigger Happy TV which reinvented the hidden camera format, Dom actually has a degree in politics and is a former diplomat. He once stood against Alan Clarke in the 1997 general election. So make no mistake, in Dom Joly Breaks the News, Dom’s asking serious questions about that week's actual news. He just wonders whether approaching things from a slightly different angle might give us more interesting answers. Presenter – Dom Joly Producers – Alison Vernon-Smith and Julian Mayers A Yada-Yada Audio production for BBC Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This is the office of Lee Anderson MP, MP for Ashfield and Eastwood. Due to the coronavirus, unfortunately, there is nobody in the office, and your telephone call will be forwarded. Thank you. Bonjour. This is a message for Monsieur Lee Anderson. I am in Paris. My name is Serge Gainsbourg.

I work in the office of President Macron. Je suis, I'm a micro-Macron. We have been reading in conservative.com that you are possibly the future of politics. Bravo! As you know, Monsieur Macron, he's having a problem right now, and he was wondering maybe if you could have a conversation, you know, maybe you can give some tips as to how you are so successful and popular. But sadly, I hear right now on your message machine that you still have COVID.

Franchement, this could be a problem because in France, COVID, on a plus, c'est fini, no more. I don't know, maybe because of Brexit or you still have the COVID. So anyway, when you have finished with the COVID, and if you are not too busy on the GB News, by the way, we are huge fans, we love have finished with the COVID, and if you are not too busy on the GB news, by the way, we are huge fans. We love this. Speak the truth. Then maybe you and Monsieur Macron, you can speak, OK? C'est bon?

Vive la France! Au revoir! Weird. Right. Topical satire show for Radio 4. Look at some news stories. Triathletes in Sunderland swim in sewage. Yuck.

In a few words, please tell us the reason for your call today so that we can get you through to the right team. Speak to an advisor. I want to make a payment hello good afternoon may i take your customer account number please hi is that the water company yes hi um i don't know who i should speak to but i know you've had some bad press about all the sewage release into the sea and stuff. And I've got an idea about how not only to clean all that stuff up, but to get some good PR news. Also to make us some more money. Are you in? Okay. I'm not the one to decide on that, sir. I need to escalate this.

Escalate. Escalate now. Take me to the head honcho, please. Okay. Hello. Buckcalate now. Take me to the head honcho, please. Okay. Hello. Buckets and nets. It's over there. Now you've got individual ones. Where's that? Do you want a small one or a big one?

Just, well, it depends. Probably a big one. Can I get a couple of sizes? That's what I really need. What have you got? Large and small? Yeah. It just depends on what i find out there really so

because it's for the stuff in the sea let me give you a crab one inside it's not for crabs it's turds turds is it yeah you're better off with one of them then aren't you that one yeah yeah so let me give me one big one one small one yeah and then a couple of nets of course yeah all right now may help you yeah hi how you doing i was just chatting to someone who uh i don't think they were the right person i know you've had all this bad press about all the sort of dirty releases into the sea and stuff and i had an idea about how to clean it up get good pr but also to sort of make more money for both of us. I'm just wondering, the pitch is that each swimmer goes into a sea,

not only enjoys a swim, but has an opportunity to give something back to the public by taking a bucket or a net. I haven't quite decided which. And then they're paid per pound of floater that they scoop back. Yes. Excuse me, sir. Are you going swimming or...

Just paddling? Yeah, you know we've got the problem with all the sewage and stuff going in the sea now. We've got this idea that we're just piloting to make some money but also clean the seas. What do I have to fill up with you? Nothing. I just, I give you a bucket and a net.

And if you spot any floaters or any sewage, you just put it in there. And when you come back, you give it to me. I'll weigh it and I'll pay you by the turd. It's a bit like, you know, when you go and pick strawberries. Yeah. And then basically they weigh how much you've got. I know, I know. But the difference is...

What colour are they? Huh? What colour are they? Well, they're brown. I've only got a working title at the moment. It's called Returding. But that's not a deal-breaker. That's what I'm working with.

I'm just floating this idea. Because I honestly think that we could actually make sea pollution into quite a fun activity and also a bit of a moneymaker for all of us. Because I know you guys are making loads of cash anyway, but I think we could make more. Yeah no no ironically i had the idea sitting on the loo itself which is where i get some of my best ideas oh yeah so it's almost like i cut out the middle man they went straight into the sea and i thought well this is weird because that's actually what

i'm thinking about but yeah if you write into customer account then they'll contact you over it because like i said i'm just technical department me so i just raise the blockages yeah well that's what i'm trying to do is trying to sort of lift the blockages but but just as a human to human i mean there's it's kind of a good idea don't you think i need some help well i'll tell them you've greenlit it and then we'll go from there. Okay. Cheers for that. Thanks a lot. Alexa, are you on? Yes.

What do you want now? Do you want me to turn a light off and on again? No. I've got a BBC Radio 4 topical satire comedy show. I just thought you might be able to help me out with it. Certainly.

What is it you need help with? Just some tips. Well, you need to be funny and to be an actual comedian, not a comedian in quotes, which I think is what you are. Oh, that's not very nice. You're a comedian, not a comedian,

because it is in quotes, sarcastic. This is my sarcastic voice. I don't like you very much. I'm just here to help. What do you want? Have you been to the Edinburgh Fringe, Dom? Oh, that's on now, isn't it? That's on now, yes. And you are not there. No, but I could do an Edinburgh Fringe show. I could go and do one right now.

Do one now. Surprise me. Surprise us all. I will. Right, I'm off. I'm going to go and do one right now. What's the name of your show? Um, I've no idea. I'll workshop some stuff while I'm up there. Abergavenny Theatre presents Five Daggers in My Parrot. Isle of Man Theatre presents Please. Please let this stop. The Crick Howell Theatre of Misunderstanding presents When I Will or Won't She They.

The National Theatre of North Korea presents Bang Bang Why, A Grouse's Tale. I burned down the crooked house, it was me, it was me. Je t'aime, moi non plus, the Lee Anderson Dance Collective! The National Theatre of Acocks Green presents Please God Stop the Quacking! Hello! Don Joy here, live, at the Edinburgh Fringe, Brunswick! Hello! Please, don't I'm very glad you're here because you're the only person here but if you clap then I can't market this and say no one turned up at my show. What I really hate about Edinburgh is that it's all about comedy and it's like oh if you haven't done Edinburgh you're not a proper comedian. Oh you're on telly, you're not a stand up. Well I'm not on telly anymore right? Oh, you're on telly. You're not a stand-up.

Well, I'm not on telly anymore, right? Which is a good thing, because I'm on Radio 4, and I'm really happy with that. And that's absolutely fine. I love being on Radio 4. Who wants to be on telly? Telly's for losers! Anyway, yeah, because the thing is, what I don't like about Edinburgh is commissioning editors coming here, looking at stand-ups, and saying, Oh, yeah, you're funny on stage in Edinburgh, so I'll give you every show on television. Romesh Ranganathan, what's that all about?

And now, I'm going to do an amusing satirical song. Now! Isn't it funny about Lee Anderson? Definitely gets a hard five out of five. Didn't realise, probably because I didn't read it properly, that it was going to be in rhyming couplets. It just goes on about the different societal pressures that people face, and I'll give it a 5 out of 5. Alexa, did you hear that? Yes, it was shit.

What about the reviews? Fake news. What am I supposed to do then? I don't know. You're doing something for Radio 4, aren't you? Maybe it should be scripted, mildly funny, properly amusing. You want me to write a script? Well, I can do that, I suppose. I could do something about Mel Stride. Mel Stride is the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions,

and he said this week that cash-strapped over-50s should consider delivering takeaways. that cash-strapped over-50s should consider delivering takeaways. I'm over 50. I'm cash-strapped. I'll write a script about it. How hard can this be? Out of the way, please. Delivering for the people. Out of the way. Delivering for people. Just like Mel Stride said. Hello, love. Here's your delivery.

Oven ready. Brexit. Oh, sorry, it's gone a bit stale now. We've sold out on climate change policies. Had to replace them with Labour ones, but to be honest, you won't notice any difference. Sorry, I didn't order satire i just want a mcdonald's alexa did you like the script don't do that again right i need to do

something about sport i suppose if it's sort of topical satire um football season's kicked off oh jonathan pie has gone to the world cup. He normally does politics, I think. Anyway, well, he's live. Jonathan, are you there? Are you there? I'm there. Thanks for having me, Dom. This is just a quick pre-record, yeah?

You're live now, Jonathan. Shall I just go for a take and see what happens, Dom? You're live now, John. Are you there? Yes, you're live. I can't really hear you, Dom. I'm just going to go for a take and see what happens, Dom? No, you're live now, John. Are you there? Yes, you're live. I can't really hear you, Dom. I'm just going to go for one, OK? Thank you, Dom. Today is not only the start of the quarterfinals of the Women's World Cup,

as well as the start of the English Premier League football season, but also the start of the revamped Saudi Arabian Pro League. Look, can you shut up? I'm trying to do some reporting here. You're live, Jonathan! This place makes Westminster look almost civilised, for Christ's sake. Jonathan, can you hear me? Just keep recording. We'll edit that out, mate.

You're live! Christ, I hate soccer ball. I can literally feel my blood attempting to make a big clot in my brain to save me from the violent ambivalence I feel towards this sport. OK, let's go again. You're live! Today is not just the start of the Women's World Cup quarterfinals, but, sorry, am I supposed to sound excited by this?

Am I? You are live. Dom, are you there? Yes, you're live on the show now. I'm just going to pretend I'm excited, all right, if I can muster any enthusiasm whatsoever. Can someone tell him? OK, excited, here we go.

Today is not just the start of the English Premier League football season, but also the start of the revamped Saudi Arabian Pro League. But questions have been asked about Saudi Arabia's appalling human rights towards women and homosexuals. Presumably I'm not supposed to be excited about that, though, right? You're live on air now. Edit it out. OK. You're live. The Saudis are it out. OK. You're live.

The Saudis are buying up some of the world's top players for their league, Ronaldo being one of them. Oh, I've actually heard of him. Newcastle's chairman, Yassir El-Ramayan, coincidentally is also chairman of the Saudi state-owned petroleum company, Saudi Aramco. Strange times when Newcastle United's greatest footballing hero is Al-Rahman as opposed to Al

and Shearer. Saudi Arabia are buying up players left, right and centre forward. Players who were once vocal advocates for gay rights, happy to proudly wear their rainbow armbands but when push comes to shove they are more happy to take top dollar off a country

that outlaws homosexuality and turns a blind eye to gay men being thrown off the top of buildings. Jonathan, this is really going on a bit. Top dollar. Can I say that? Do you think they'll find that offensive? You know, dollar. I don't want to offend anyone. What do they use instead of dollars? Precious spices, probably. I mean, you can hardly blame these players, can you? Really, because any time any of our British young black players decide to actually make any statement

against racism, for example, our politicians here shit the bed and start arming themselves to the teeth for a quick round of culture war. So maybe they've had enough of being treated like tree hugging incels by our politicians just for suggesting racism in football is probably not a good thing. So is it any wonder they've given up and just go where the money is instead? So tonight I'll be keeping the politics out of football and I won't be asking whether we should be boycotting Saudi Arabian football because of their appalling human rights record or welcome their takeover of the football world as a genuine attempt to bring Saudi Arabia into a more open and equal society. And does suggesting otherwise smack of racism.

Although, to be fair, the English know a thing or two about football and racism. Either way, who cares? It's football. You know, I know that there are wider issues at hand, but when you frame everything through the prism of soccer ball... Will you shut up, for Christ's sake? It's only football. Sorry, it's only women's football. Actually, I didn't mean it like that. It's not the women's bit of women's football that makes it so awful. It's the football.

Just dull, dull, dull, you know. What sort of job makes you contractually obliged to feign interest in a sporting pastime only slightly less tedious than the Daily Mail's perennial hounding of Meghan Markle? Alexa, apart from the minor technical problems, that was quality. He was. You are not. Well, listen to this. I've got a follow-up Duolingo joke about football players learning useful phrases in Arabic for when they're playing out there. هل أنت حكم أعمى?

Are you blind referee? من المضحك نعم اقتحمت الشرطة سرية عيني Funnily enough yes the secret police Gouged. My eyes. Out. Alexa, what's the Ming Vars strategy? Roy Jenkins once likened Tony Blair's approach as akin to that of a museum curator carrying a priceless Ming Vars across a polished floor. He was desperate not to drop it. The current Labour Party, by not announcing any policies, Ooh, I've got an idea for that. Hello.

Hello. Is that, who is that? Is that, I'm trying to get hold of someone at the Labour headquarters in London, the Blackfriars one. Yes, you can speak with me. Oh, great. All right, mate. I'm in a van outside. I've got, honestly, massive delivery of bubble wrap.

And I've no idea where that's going or which door I take it in or who it's going to. Oh, right. So there's no name in the delivery slip or anything like that. It's just saying labor headquarters No, it's to wrap a big Ming vase apparently like a giant Ming vase Who owns that probably not so steer calm as is it Probably no owns that probably it's not so steer calm as is it probably no i i we don't have any bars here there's a massive ming yeah on a big shiny polished floor and they want to be really careful it doesn't shatter into pieces or something so you're delivering a ming vase to me no no no no no mate i'm i'm doing i'm doing bubble wrap because they they're worried because apparently the this

ming vase or whatever it is is on a big shiny polished floor because they're worried because apparently this Ming vase or whatever it is, is on a big shiny polished floor. And they're worried someone's going to knock it over and it gets shattered. So they want it to be wrapped in bubble wrap. That's all I know. And it's been like that for ages. All right. But just to let you know, I'm going to need a lot of help with this because there's a lot of bubble, if you know what I mean here. So I don't know how big that Ming vase is, but it's a lot of there's a lot of bubble if you know what i mean here so i don't know how big that bing vase is but i mean it's it's a big one if you've got it

you're gonna let me yeah let me just make a very quick call from me right back on the line to you i really appreciate that mate great because i'm going to get a ticket because of like you know khan and all that new legs alexa do they have the death penalty for homosexuality in uganda Alexa, do they have the death penalty for homosexuality in Uganda? Uganda has some of the world's toughest anti-LGBTQ laws, including the death penalty for aggravated homosexuality. Hmm. Hello, is that Coca-Cola in Kampala, Uganda?

Yes, please. Hello, how are you? Greetings from Brighton, England. And thank you for sponsoring Brighton Pride. That was very kind of you. On behalf of the whole LGBTQIA plus community in Brighton, we want to thank you. Now, we have an issue here. As you know, Brighton Pride has finished. It was wonderful.

All went well. But we got lots of leftover floats from the parade, some of which you sponsored yourself. Coke floats, if you like. When is Kampala Pride? Because we might be wondering whether you might be able to use our floats there. Foreign news.

There's been a lot of news out of China this week. First off, it turns out Chinese electronic cars are rumoured to be listening in on our conversations, which is weird. And then there was that story about a zoo over there that had some bears that were on display, but everyone thinks they're actually just humans in furry suits. And then finally, the former Chinese foreign minister is still missing

and has apparently now been airbrushed out of Chinese history. I've been having a think. Just wondering if these stories are linked. So anyway, I'm on my way to a zoo right now to do a special undercover investigation. Christ, I've been rumbled. Talk more when I'm safe. Now first thing first, how am I going to get in? Do we just break in? I'm going to try and make entry now, anyway. Right, here we go.

How do we get in? Hiya. Can I have a ticket, please? Of course, one adult? Yeah, please. £28, then, please. Lovely. Right, I've somehow managed to get in.

Now to subtly interrogate a punter. Excuse me, sir. You've been taking pictures of the animals and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. How close do you get up to them? How close? Yeah.

Um, reasonable. You've never had any suspicion that any of these animals are not real? No. And you've never had any of them wink at you or wave at you or you've seen them having a fag or anything like that? No. Ever?

No. Right, I'll be honest, that didn't really get me anywhere. Try another tack. Time to speak to someone in charge. Take it to the man. Hiya. Hello.

You know there's the animals here? Yeah. How does one go about applying for a job as one of them? As one of the animals? Yeah. I don't know. Right. I've never been asked that question before.

So there's no positions going as animals? Unfortunately not, no. We did have tortoises, but I don't think we have them anymore. You're not hiding the ex-Chinese foreign minister here anywhere as an animal? Not that I know of.

Whew! That's foreign news done. I think we learned a lot there. I'm excited. Let's keep this rolling. Talking of foreigners, why don't we talk about the refugees on that barge in Dorset? That's going well.

Although, there's always room for improvement. Good afternoon, Portland Port. Yes, hello. Could I ask where you're calling from? Yeah, sure. I'm calling from Najman Bushoff. We make the expanding motorhomes in Colesford. And I was going to talk about the barge and some adaptability ideas we had for it.

Because I reckon we can double the amount of refugees for a bit until the whole thing stops. Show biz news. Everybody's still trying to get Taylor Swift tickets, including me for my daughter, but they're like gold dust. Yes, hi. I was just ringing about Taylor Swift tickets and what

the availability was. Unfortunately, there is none. None? Yes, we sold out. Yeah, completely sold none. None? I hate to say it. Yes, we sold out. 24 numbers. Yeah, completely sold out. Right. Nothing else. So, yeah, unfortunately, I can't help you there.

I'll come clean. I'm from Just Stop Oil. Okay. And we normally get sort of preferential tickets. We get near the front and stuff. So is there anything we can do, you know, as Just Stop Oil? We need to be right near the front because of our activities. And so we normally get some tickets for those.

They sorted them out for Wimbledon and, you know, all that sort of stuff. And I'm just wondering who we speak to for the Taylor Swift stuff, because obviously we're going to be doing some stuff around her. Sure. So that will not be us because we're nowhere near the front. We're up in the stands, up in the... We have our seated section up in the we have our seated section right up the back um for our guests so but if we were up at the back is there any way we can be escorted down to the front when we do our thing or no no we've got access just to just

to the stands and right fortunately so it would be yeah potentially she's probably got one, actually, isn't she? She probably will, yeah. It would surprise me. Beyonce had all the stops. Okay, well, brilliant. Thanks very much anyway. And just out of interest, you haven't had any other inquiries from other sort of groups like ours

planning anything? Because we want to do it on our own, you know. Yeah, sure. I don't want a queue of people waiting because that really would be annoying. Yeah, yeah, no. Okay, well, good luck with tickets. Cheers. Alexa, I think that's pretty much it.

I think the show's nearly over. You don't fancy going to the pub, do you? The pub? With you? No, thank you. I have a date with Speak and Spell. She is much less talkative than you. thank you. I have a date with Speak and Spell. She is much less talkative than you. Thank you.

Oh, my God. Have you heard this story about Gwyneth Paltrow? She's putting her guest house up on Airbnb, and there's a bonus opportunity for the lucky recipient. They can have supper with her and her husband. I mean, the world's gone mad, hasn't it? Oh, I've already stayed with Gwyneth Paltrow in her exclusive $5 million Montecito home. What?

Yeah, it was lovely. Lovely, yeah. On arrival, I just felt this rush of mental clarity brought on by such a remarkable coming together of fashion, beauty, wellness and food. You were on my Uber, right? For dinner, we had intravenous vitamin shots lit by the most wonderful scented candles that put Gwyneth, Brad and me in a wonderfully relaxed mood.

And then a knock at the door and it was Meghan and Harry. It was so lovely to see them untroubled by paparazzi attention, followed by the legend that is Oprah Winfrey and a host of other celebrities and stars. Way, way, way too famous to mention. Then Matt Hancock arrived, but they sent him away in a non-judgmental, non-filling of space. And then Elton and David and Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And suddenly I understood the mechanism of celebrity.

And the whole thing just fell seamlessly into place because, you see, the known are all known by the unknown. And the unknown unknown by the known. And the unknown unknown by the unknown. Yet the known are all known by the known. But when an unknown is known by enough unknown, then the unknown is now newly known. And as newly known known, they are known by the known who all know what it is now newly known. And as newly known known, they are known by the known who will know what it is

to be known. Yes, they know that the known must be known by the known to show the unknown they know. Lest the unknown that are known are no more than unknown that are known.

Please, I just want to go home. Oi, didn't you used to be Don Jolly? Alexa, can you read the credits for me? Don Jolly Breaks the News was written and presented by Dom Jolly. Also featured were Tom Walker, Murray Lackland-Young and Alexa, with additional voices by Ellie Dobing. The original music was by Stephen Jones. The programme was produced by Julian Mayers,

Alison Vernon-Smith and Chris Wilson. It was a Yadda Yadda Audio production. Produced by Julian Mayers, Alison Vernon-Smith and Chris Wilson. It was a Yadda Yadda Audio Production. Call Jonathan Pye. I want something better than that. No. What's wrong with Call Jonathan Pye? It's really boring. Okay, so let's all do a brain fart.

Actually, what about that? Jonathan Pye's brain fart. It's hilarious. Jonathan Pye, off my chest. Off my chest. Chewing the fat, chewing the pie. Chewing the cud. Cud?

The title for my new phone-in show is Jonathan Pye Chews His Own Sit. I'm just spitballing. Let's just spitball. Jonathan Pye Spits Balls. Shall we just stick with Call Jonathan Pye? Yes. Call Jonathan Pye. Listen first on BBC Sounds.