Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 10th September 2021

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

Andy and the team talk tax hikes, the Taliban, Texas, and tennis stars.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. In an effort to clear the NHS backlog, and it having been confirmed that although laughter is not the best medicine, it is still slightly better than homeopathy, this episode of the News Quiz can be used instead of the following medical procedures. A knee replacement, a cheeky little blast on the defibrillator, and

childbirth. You have chosen C, childbirth. Push, push, here it comes. Congratulations, you've got yourself a beautiful, bouncing new episode of The News Quiz. Hello and welcome to The News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman. Don't forget, if you want an illuminated transcript of this show,

please send a stamped address Medieval Monk to BBC Broadcasting House. With his own quills, please. We're not a charity. And it's time now to meet our teams for this week, and in a new feature on the News Quiz, we're letting our listeners choose the team names. This week, a Gavin from Westminster has written in with this suggestion. I love sport, so I would like the teams named after two of my favourite sports stars. How about Team Second Row Footballer Marco Rotoge

versus Team Manchester United Rugby international Marus Itchford. Those are tremendous suggestions, Gavin. And joining me to help shove the still twitching entrails of the week's news into the sausage skin of satire on Team Ratoje, it's Olga Koch and Scott Bennett. And on Team Itchford, it's Athena Koblenou and Mark Steele. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And our first question will go to both teams.

What was added to Boris Johnson's catalogue of broken promises this week, joining, amongst others, an oven-ready Brexit deal, Christmas is go and and I do. Well, this is his tax thing. You know, the Tories stand for one thing, it's we're going to lower tax, and it's all because of the care homes. And so he's raised tax for that.

And it's not going to reassure... I'd already given up with this, haven't most people? I've just sort of thought, you're not going to get looked after. Just hope you get to a decent age and then go completely doolally overnight and then you just get put in one of these places where you're left for 11 hours at a stretch, face down in a bowl of cold spaghetti until Panorama come round and do an investigation.

That's all you can hope for. Because the trouble is, for years, people have gone, oh, pensions, you need to be... That's what you need to do, is put aside for your old age with your pensions, and you get these people on programmes like Moneybox going, oh, you should really start at 19, you should be putting a little bit aside already for your pension at that age.

What sort of miserable 19-year-old puts money aside for a pension? How much of a stupid, useless excuse of a teenager would you have? Oh, you coming up the pub tonight? No, no, no, because that money that I was going to spend

on beer, I'm going to put in my little ISA fund. You miserable, useless, you don't deserve to live long enough to have a bloody pension. If you're even thinking about pensions by then, what's the matter with you? I know that some pensions are struggling. I mean, my parents are in their 70s, and they've had to switch from bottles of wine to boxes,

so we all have to do our bit, I think. What annoys me about this story is that people are like, oh, the Conservatives, they broke their manifesto promise. How dare they? Who reads manifestos and thinks, oh yeah, this is what they're promising me? It's like, I've got a three-year-old, right, and when she doesn't do what she's told, I say,

do this and you'll get an ice cream. Do this and you'll get an ice cream. Let me tell you something right now. Don't tell her, because she doesn't know yet. She will never get an ice cream all right do this and you'll get an ice cream let me tell you something right now don't tell her because she doesn't know yet she will never get the ice cream ever ever in for the rest of her life whatever she does whenever she does you'll get the ice cream next time and that is what these manifestos are like it's just the government or the government and what's been elected saying oh vote for me vote for me vote for me and you'll get this lovely sweet treat that you're craving oh yeah you're salivating aren't you? We'll give it to you. Oh no, another five years.

Another five years. No, no, no. Another five years. Don't worry guys. So maybe in 55 years we'll get bus pass or something. I don't know. That is very strict parenting. 55 years for an ice cream I hope it's a Cornetto

because that is a long way if that's an Aldi-owned fake Magnum cab kick-off Olga, do you think any people who voted for Boris Johnson would be surprised or disappointed that he's broken a promise? I mean, I guess he's... My understanding is that he has upset a lot of Tories,

which makes me feel that Keir Starmer is even more useless because he's not as good as Tories at pissing off Tories. That's quite some achievement, isn't it? And Starmer has... Well, he kind of sprung into action like a wet pillow. And Labour's not really suggested any alternatives, Mark. And, I mean, what do you think they should be doing in response to this? Well, I think the trouble with Labour is that it's not so much people disagree with what they do, but people forget they're there, don't they?

I mean, if you do hear from Keir Starmer, it's a bit like if you saw an old branch of Woolworths. You'd think, I didn't know that was still going. It's the fundamental problem that we've got here, that people, for whatever reason, seem to want to live longer and longer, and insist on wanting to live out their old age with some

semblance of dignity, which is, frankly, economically ruinous. I mean, no other species can be arsed with that, and as a result, we are the most financially debt-ridden species on this planet. I feel like we all must consider that we could keep living as ghosts, which Jacob Rees-Mogg did, so... LAUGHTER

Not all hope is lost. I mean, how can we monetise the old? Because the government did chicken out of its rumoured 70s plenty policy, which didn't go down too well with the court. What can we do to make old people more financially viable? Put them on Love Island. Elderly Love Island. That is all.

Isn't that the Isle of Wight? Yes, this is the rise in national insurance. MPs have voted through a bill decreeing that a further 1.25% of people's incomes will go to national insurance to help fund the NHS and social care. Keir Starmer, the Labour leader, is that the right word, attacked it as a sticking plaster over a gaping wound, highlighting perhaps why the NHS needs more funding, whilst the Telegraph branded Boris Johnson a cobalt Corbyn,

partly because they accuse him of abandoning conservative economic values and partly because he has a melting point of 1,495 degrees Celsius. Johnson has broken a manifesto promise not to raise taxes, and you've got to give him credit for it. Broken promises seem to flow from Boris Johnson like winners from the racket of Emma Raducanu. I mean, it looks so natural. They just seem to emerge fully formed.

But we shouldn't forget all the hard work, dedication and training that Johnson has put in behind the scenes to improve his natural-born promise-breaking skills. But the way he crafts the build-up to the broken promise, it's just so beautiful to watch. It's hard to believe he's only 57 and in his first real job. That concludes our first round. Two points to Team Itchford, one point to Team Ratoje.

This can go to both teams who this week got on the karaoke mic, channelled their inner 10cc and sang this. Want to ban all women from ever playing. That sounds to me like someone from the Taliban. Correct, yes, their new single. Yep. You know, I've got my issues with them as a franchise.

They seem unnecessarily grumpy. But banning women's cricket, they have really crossed the line. I'm not, I mean, apparently they're worried that women may not be able to play cricket in the appropriate religious dress i mean it's eerily reminiscent of that ferrari when david gower wore blue socks but yes but even more so can they ban it though because afghanistan don't play in afghanistan they can only play outside of af and pretty much all fun and entertainment and enjoyment is banned anyway so

will it make any difference? I think women will still be able to play won't they and is that how it works? Because they're not in Afghanistan anyway I think they're banning it just recreationally Don't get me wrong here I'm not trying to stick up for the Taliban's

sporting policy. Well, in an unusual turn this week on Radio 4, Mark unveils himself as a keen fan of the Taliban's recreational ideas. All I'm saying is give them a chance. Which just seems a little bit, you know, they've only been in three weeks, we've given the Tories 11 years. Just give them a chance. Olga, what have you enjoyed about the Taliban's first three weeks in power so far?

I just can't believe that our top-line complaint to the Taliban cabinet is the fact that it's all male. It's the Taliban, not a BBC Two panel show. It was great, actually. You said it sounds like their new single. It was when they published this cabinet, and a lot of the press, they had, like, their mug shots, and then they had, like, a little biog underneath,

and it was like they were unveiling a new boy band. It was like the Taliban's answer to K-pop. You've got, like, the cheeky one, you've got the moody one, you've got the bad boys, the one wanted got the bad boy, he's the one wanted by the FBI. It was like the new kids on the block for the Taliban. It was fantastic. I mean, I don't know what their tour dates are, probably like 60 just in Kabul.

I think that's probably what it is. I love it when we sort of treat it as if it's old, they've unveiled a new cabinet and it was as if it's, like, when it happens here, it's not. It's the Taliban. When they did that conference and people were actually arguing, well, is this a new moderate Taliban? They're only going to stone women to death with locally sourced rocks.

It's not a moderate. God, the moderate... Oh no, they've all been on a jihadist language awareness course. At the Holiday Inn. Yes, the Taliban, they've named an all-male cabinet following their takeover of Pakistan and have banned sport for women, including cricket.

The deputy head of the Taliban's cultural commission, Ahmadullah Wasik, said that women's sport was considered neither appropriate nor necessary. It is not necessary that women should play cricket, he said. Necessary. Do not open that philosophical trapdoor, Taliban. And above all, do not, under any circumstances,

tell anyone at Five Live. The Taliban's new government line-up, however, has not had it all its own way this week after the online dating profiles of its senior ministers were accidentally leaked to the Australian teen magazine Girlfriend. Sirajuddin Haqqani, the Minister of the Interior, his dating profile list likes as gun-toting and violent suppression of political and religious dissent

and his dislikes as women. Kairoula Kaikwa, the Minister of Information, likes gun-toting, misinterpreting religious doctrine and pilates, dislikes anyone without a beard. And Moulawi Hibatullah Akunzadeh, the Supreme Leader, likes gun-toting, fear-engendering and medieval-themed parties. Dislikes progress, harmony, 1960s fashion, any Pankhurst speech, volleyball and smiling.

Moving on now, this question goes to Team Itchford. It's a multiple-choice question for Athena and Mark. What did the United Nations describe this week as sex and gender discrimination at its worst? Was it A, the lack of female representation in the new Taliban government? Was it B, the history of humanity in general? Was it C, the fact that Britain has had female monarchs

for 133 of the last 184 years? That is positive discrimination gone mad, isn't it? Or was it D, the recently passed new abortion laws in Texas? Well, sadly, I suppose it's the Texas, isn't it? It is, correct, yes. Yes, the chair of the UN's Working Group on Discrimination Against Women and Girls described Texas' new abortion as structural sex and gender-based discrimination at its worst.

I mean, it does seem that Texas and the Taliban seem to be almost working on the same page at the moment. Yeah, they're definitely similar. If the UN aren't happy with Texas, let's invade. Let's just invade, get in our tanks. Let's go, guys, I'm ready. You just know that 20 years later it won't have worked out, though, Athena. I just think that's...

The new law offers rewards of $10,000 for snitches reporting on abortions carried out after the new six-week limit. I mean, that's a strange way to go about enforcing a law, basically encouraging... I mean, what would your price be and what crime would you lot like to report in exchange for money? Dog fouling. Right. Yeah.

Why are we wasting our time policing the wombs of women and we're not policing the butts of dogs, OK? butts of dogs. Olga, you've lived in America. It's quite hard for us outsiders to understand American politics. It seems to be one of those weird constitutional amendments that got hacked through in the 1790s that came to define America, the right to bear arms,

something about using unnecessarily large sausages and a woman's womb is a man's business clause. I mean, is it time for America to move on from those things? I don't know if we can do that, though I think what we should point out is that gun restrictions in Texas are quite lax, so technically you could get an abortion by claiming the fetus is trespassing on your property. trespassing on your property. Patients who heard about the new law have reportedly responded with what was described

in one news report as a complete mix of emotions from shock to uncertainty, devastation, frustration and anger. I should say that's not a complete mix of emotions. I'm sure they're all the ones ticked off by England cricket fans at the Oval on Monday. And six weeks.

That is very early to be making this cut. It's before some people even realise they're pregnant or come to terms psychologically with the implications of pregnancy on your life, lifestyle and responsibilities. I know when I and my wife found out that she was pregnant in 2006, it took me a good decade and a half and counting to get my head round it. After a tip-off website was set up to enable people

to snitch on people performing or aiding and abetting abortions, opponents of the law have been causing havoc by deluging the site with fake reports. One user claimed to have made 742 fake claims about Texas Governor Greg Abbott getting illegal terminations. Others sent memes or pornography or just general lies until the site was forced offline, showing once again the glorious, unstoppable,

world-changing power of organised childishness. It's awful that they call it a heartbeat bill because, like, at that point, there is no heart and some babies don't even develop hearts like Priti Patel. Moving on with the score at 6 to Team Itchford and 4 to Team Ratoje, which and well this is related to our team names, which

bafflingly still in post education secretary continued his inspirational quest to prove to all schoolchildren that you can make it to the very top, even without any discernible skill, brains or common sense. Oh, bless him. Gavin Williamson. He's marvellous. He's got to be kept on.

This is fantastic. He said that he'd met Marcus Rashford and then it turned out it wasn't Marcus Rashford at all. He hadn't even met him. Oh, I do admire Marcus Rashford. then it turned out it wasn't Marcus Rashford at all. He hadn't even met him. Oh, I do admire Marcus Rashford. I did enjoy meeting him and it was as a rugby player, an entirely different human being.

And he didn't... He should be put in charge of England. He should be the England manager. Well, and a surprising line-up. We've got Mo Farah out on the left wing because he thought he was Marcus Rashford. He's playing Stormzy up front because he thought he was Marcus Rashford. He was playing Stormzy up front because he thought he was Raheem Sterling.

And in goal, because he thought that she was Jordan Pickford, Diane Abbott is making the third win. It's quite smashing. It's just... But we all do it. To be fair to him, we all do it. The other day, I came in and I said, you know, I've just been talking to Barack Obama

and it wasn't, it turned out, it was Eileen up the laundrette. The other day, I came in and I said, you know, I've just been talking to Barack Obama, and it wasn't, it turned out it was Eileen up the laundrette. He's in charge of education! How useless do you have to be? Imagine if you answered an essay in any exam. Tell us your thought. Can you discuss the achievements of Nelson Mandela and your first line was, I bumped into him at Sainsbury's on Saturday.

He's magnificent entertainment. That interview with the Evening Standard is just so bizarre. I mean, he talks about his love for the Queen and said, like, I've got a portrait. I mean, he says the Queen. It's probably a portrait of Helen Mirren. and said, like, I've got a portrait. I mean, he says the Queen.

It's probably a portrait of Helen Mirren. And what I love as well is with people like that, it's always their incompetence. It's always like, but they're resilient. You know, that's a defence for being rubbish at things. My five-year-old is resilient, but I played a game of crazy golf with her once and she was so useless that after the second hour, I just wanted to put my face through a windmill.

You can't be around these people. I thought it was quite funny when he said that his friend said he had the characteristics of a rhino. I just crossed my fingers. Please go extinct. Please, Gavin Williamson. Please do it. We've had enough.

We've had enough. He also, in that interview, he said the word drive ten times, apparently. Ten times. He said, I think that's because he's so used to saying it to his driver when he comes out after he's met another balls up. And he just goes, I've done it again, Malcolm. Drive! Yes, Gavin Williamson claimed he'd had a Zoom meeting with footballer Marcus Rashford, whereas he had in fact met

with rugby union star Mauro Itoje. Williamson, who has been likened in the past to 1970s sitcom character Frank Spencer, was described by Labour MP David Lammy as ignorant, clueless and incapable. Williamson then punched the air, thanked Lammy for acknowledging his progress and improvement and said, every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better. And with the scores tantalisingly poised at seven games to six,

which qualifier has been an unqualified success this week? Raticarno. Correct, Mark. Well done. Yay! this week? Raducanu. Correct, Mark. Well done.

Fantastic. I bet there's people going, oh, it's just, I bet she's won that on purpose to divert the news away from the care homes, Christ. Or maybe she's been inspired by the impending 1.25% rise in national insurance and thinks, well, I've got to earn now, otherwise what's the point?

Give the government some credit, Mark. She's pretty right. I know this is an odd subject, but my favourite bit of commentary, I can't get this out of my mind, was during the Olympics, the trampolining on the radio. I heard trampolining commentary on the radio and it was brilliant, and I swear, this is how it went. The commentator went, so, Bryony, now, just about, she's on the trampoline now, and she's off, and then you heard...

And then she went, well, that seemed to go all right. So, I mean, I know you're a massive tennis fan, Mark, and also, I mean, she's just 18. By my calculations, you are currently aged 3.26 radicanus. By my calculations, you are currently aged 3.26 radicanus. That's quite a lot. I mean, it's been an uplifting story in these difficult times, hasn't it? Yeah, and she's from Bromley,

which is not far from where I was brought up in Kent as well. So I can sort of... She wouldn't be from Swanley. Oh, someone's nicked me racket. Well, it's a bit stressful because what are we going to call the hill in Wimbledon now? Because we've got Henman Hill and Murray Mound It's like the Raducarni ramp It's not going to work, guys

I think what's amazing as well She's 18 She's had to juggle tennis with her A-level exams. I mean, she's only been professional for a few weeks. I mean, that's incredible. At her age, I think I was struggling to manage two shifts at home base. It never felt so inadequate in my own life, watching that story. And I think it is fantastic news,

but I think it's probably bad news for other 18-year-old teenagers because their parents will be using this story, going like, you know, are you watching this, Callum? She's made it to the last eight of the US. She's passed her A-levels. The least you can do is put your cereal bowl in the sink. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what?

I was just on the point of giving you an ice cream, but I'm not now. Do you know what? I was just on the point of giving you an ice cream, but I'm not now. And we are recording this before Thursday night's semi-final, so I need to cover all bases in this bit. Either Emma Raducani triumphantly marched into the US Open final,

or Emma Raducani was cruelly robbed in the semi-final by a series of dodgy line calls, some rogue physics and a biased net. And I think we can all agree that Raducanu has absolutely nailed the concept of the gap year. Do your A-levels, bit of travel, earn a bit of money, hang out in the sunshine, humiliate several top 50 ranked tennis players with a breathtaking

brand of high-skill attacking tennis, and get interviewed by Pam Shriver. What more could you possibly want? This goes to Team Rotoge, to Scott and Olga. Which gazillionaire who's already ruined the slow-building joy of waiting for something you've ordered to take 28 working days to arrive, now wants to make everyone

live way longer than could possibly be necessary? Is it Jeff Bezos? Correct. The man who keeps trying to deny having a midlife crisis by lengthening his own life expectancy? He's a walking advert for something that happens when you've got too much money, isn't it? It's like you lose all sense of reality.

He starts acting like a villain in a Bond movie. He's already been up to space. That was Moonraker. It's just like he's living this. He's like Dr. Evil. I think he is Dr. Evil. I think that's what this is. He actually has a luscious head of hair he keeps waxing to look more evil.

I mean, I don't trust him with this technology. It's just a clever way of making all his staff younger so he has to pay them less than the minimum wage. I think that's all this is. Just a clever way of making all his staff younger so he has to pay them less than the minimum wage. I think that's all this is. Just a big room. And it's like, it's going to be a really strange future. There's going to be old people who've been made

younger. So there's people who'll be like, happy 50th Dave, did you like your trampoline? There's going to be some weird conversations. Do they get another ice cream on the way back down, Scott? No, not that. No, five more years. We've got to wait for that.

So on the way back up. I think you've got to be careful with this technology. I think if you want to take a few years off you, that's fine, but, you know, a few aches and pains. But if you go too far, you'll end up going through puberty again, which should just be a rent. Oh, yeah. I'd quite fancy that

at the age of about 103, sitting in the corner with your headphones on, listening to Iron Maiden. He just won't come out of his room. This is Jeff Bezos, who is rumoured to have ploughed millions of dollars from his Amazon fortune into gene reprogramming

to reverse the ageing process. And let's not forget, the only redeeming feature about Jeff Bezos currently is that he is not immortal. Their research has found that cells can be reprogrammed into other cells, effectively allowing you to regenerate parts of the body. And as a lapsed Jew... Well, I mean... You know...

I'm all ears, which apparently is also a potential side effect. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. A triumph for Team Itchford, Mark Steele and Athena Koblenu over Team Rotoje, Scott Bennett and Olga Koch. Our winners receive a special prize to keep them warm in the impending winter months from our new sponsors, a new Thermotics lumber half, the new personal wood-fire rucksack from Thermotics.

Who lose with care comes with some special cream. Some breaking news just reaching us. The United Nations has announced a tentative ceasefire in the culture wars. Leaders from the woke community and the asleep community have agreed to cease hostilities pending a formal truce, and a football match will be played between angry newspaper columnists

and young people who are open-minded about issues of gender identity on Christmas morning. Thank you very much for listening. Thanks to our panellists, Athena Koblenou and Mark Steele, Scott Bennett and Olga Koch. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Athena Koblenou, Scott Bennett, Olga Koch and Mark Steele. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman

and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Simon Olcock, Joe Coffey and Tasha Danrach. The producer was Sam Michelle and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.