Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 11th February 2022

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

After 5-and-a-half series, 44 episodes and 714 days, The News Quiz welcomes a live studio audience once again.Recorded at the BBC Radio Theatre, this week Andy Zaltzman was joined by Mark Steel, Athena Kugblenu, Hugo Rifkind and Jackie Weaver to look at NHS backlogs, the end of all COVID restrictions in England, a minor reshuffle and a major scientific breakthrough.Hosted by Andy Zaltzman Chairs script by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material from Alice Fraser, Alex Kealy, Eleri Morgan and Rajiv Karia Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxThe Producer is Gwyn Rhys Davies, and it is a BBC Studios Production.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before you get stuck into this episode, I want to tell you about some changes we're making to where you can find this podcast. From next month, you can hear Friday Night Comedy 28 days before anyone else, for free, on BBC Sounds. If you haven't already, you can download the BBC Sounds app to listen to Friday Night Comedy first.

It's easy. Once you're there, you'll find even more podcasts available on Sounds before anywhere else. Live BBC Radio and exclusive music mixes. Just search for Friday Night Comedy, subscribe, and if you want, we'll send you a notification every time a new episode is ready. Told you it was easy. Now, let's get back to the podcast. This is the News Quiz, and for the first time since the before times, we are back in front of a live studio audience. live studio audience. Hello, everyone.

It's great to have you all here. So what have you all been up to over the last two years? There you go. People unable to provide a simple answer to a simple question. This country is truly rotting from the top. Anyway, there they are over there, the humans in 3D. Don't worry, we will reduce them to 0D for the radio broadcast. That is all the Ds you're allowed on this week's News Quiz.

I'm Andy Zoltan, and very excitingly, not only do we have a live audience, but we also have a new electronic big screen News Quiz scoreboard, currently showing currently showing no score. What will it be? Oh, sorry, no, I'm just being told that's not our news quiz scoreboard. That is just a screen showing live in real time

Boris Johnson's approval rating amongst previous leaders of the Conservative Party, the number of commissioners for Metropolitan Police who've not resigned half an hour before the recording started, the number of cats who bought a West Ham shirt this week. The number of days since a new revelation in the government's Partygate scandal. We record a day ahead of broadcast, but I'm still comfortable claiming that. I think we can rely on it. Well, I've only got four people I need to ask questions to on this show,

not the now-trendy more than 50. But we will press on and quiz them anyway. Our two teams this week. Team absolutely no intention of resigning against team literally just resigned. On team won't quit, we have Athena Koblenu and Hugo Rifkind. And on team actually just quat, is that the past participle? We have Mark Steele and Jackie Weaver. And our first question can go to both teams.

Who has decided, after a very personal pilot scheme conducted over several decades, that we don't need rules anymore? Well, this is the aforementioned government. Yes. They've just sort of declared that it's finished, that COVID's here. If you're ill, you've only got another two weeks to go, and then it'll be over, and you can dance about. I don't know, well, they could have done that two years ago,

just declared it over, but no, it doesn't make any... Because nobody takes any notice, because even in the middle of the pandemic, when you would think a country would be going, we must wait and see what the leader has got to say today. He would just turn up on those conferences at five o'clock. Nobody bothered because it was just rubbish with bits

of Latin chucked in. What we have is modus vivendi ipso facto coitus interruptus in that the maximum number of people permitted to be in a room at any one time is nought.

So if you find yourself in a room, you must leave immediately. Are we confident? I mean, there seems to be some split as to whether this is, you know, too soon, too late. Where do you sit on this? People will self-police. Because I haven't understood the rules for about three years. I't know what the rules are you've got to isolate for three years yeah i know i've said too much you knew something i've said i've said too much no i've the rules

are complicated okay when you isolate when you don't isolate you stay home do you bubble or whatever and people self-police this is good so if you for example catch covid when the rules don't exist you probably will not go to a relative who is vulnerable okay however if you, for example, catch COVID when the rules don't exist, you probably will not go to a relative who is vulnerable. However, if you catch COVID and you go to a relative you don't like, the rules will allow that. So all you've got to do is really understand how you feel about the person you're about to visit when you've got COVID.

And that will hold up in court, guys. It's like.....when you've got Covid. And that will hold up in court, guys. I mean, Jackie, how do you see Johnson's status as Mark seems slightly sceptical of his leadership qualities? He's certainly entertaining. Right. I guess, for me, one of the things that I find really complicated is the whole testing thing, because it kind of seems obvious, particularly if you feel well, if you just don't test, then you won't have Covid.

That's magic, isn't it? I mean, do all diseases... I'm not a doctor. Do all diseases work like that? I'm not a doctor. I'm just sort of staggered by the fact that there's still stuff to come out. You think you're done and then you see a picture of him, you know, doing his Zoom quiz with a bottle of champagne. I think the only thing I can think of that there is still left to come out

is that we find out that when he had to go to hospital it was actually for liver damage other than that i think we're surely done you couldn't make up a better thing than they were having a party on the night before prince philip's funeral that's it's almost like they were having a competition to see who could be the most outrageous. And it'll turn out, oh, the week after they were all doing a rave in Dame Vera Lynn's coffin or something. A couple of years since I've been here

I can't remember what you're allowed to say. Follow-up question now. Boris Johnson is also set to announce a strategy for the country learning to live with what? Is it Andrew Neil? LAUGHTER We have to learn to live with Andrew Neil. There's nothing we can do about it.

We can wear masks if we're near an Andrew Neil. I know this one. Yes, go on, then. Covid. Correct. Jackie, well done. Yes, go on then. Covid. Correct. Jackie, well done. That's two more points to Team Quat. How do you think we are going to learn to live with it?

I thought we just stopped living with it. I thought it was over. Haven't they just said that the same day? This thing is over, but we must learn to live with it. It's both at once. No, I don't like that. I used to live in house shares and I was like, why should I learn to live with someone who eats my cheese?

I just don't think we should put up with this disease. Why should we learn to live with it? I think it needs to get itself together and pick up its socks. That's the kind of tough talk that we've not given enough to this one. Thank you. You know, I've started to think now, oh, shouldn't we sort of get on with things? But on the other end, you don't want to sound like the crazy people with the placards and all those people. No other end, you don't want to sound like the crazy people with the placards and all those people. No, oh, you don't know what's in it. I'm not having that, you don't know what's in it.

And I think, oh, yeah, but I've seen you buy a bag of grass in a toilet in a dark pub that I very much doubt was peer-reviewed in the bloody Lancet. Yes, indeed, it is all over, bar the possibility of it not being all over. Boris Johnson has announced that he will announce the end of all Covid regulations in England a month earlier than planned by 21st February.

And fair play to this much-criticised government. You need your leaders to be prepared to do what they're asking their people to do. And Boris Johnson has been heroically living without COVID rules for almost two years. Selfless pilot scheme that is now going to be rolled out across all of England at the end of that round.

It's four to Team Quat, and Team Won't Quit are not yet off the mark. On a partially related topic, this can go to Team Won't Quit, Athena and Hugo, who are 4-0 down. One in 11 people in Britain are what? Goalkeepers. Any other suggestions? One in 11 people in Britain are what? On a waiting list?

That is correct, Jackie, yes. Well done. Oh, it's about the news. Yes, it is. I prefer you to the title of the show. One in 11 people are on a waiting list. Yeah. It's all the rage, isn't it?

It's a remarkable number. I'm surprised I don't leave the building and it doesn't look like The Walking Dead. What would you think is the best way of reducing these waiting lists? Because obviously, you know, dealing with some kind of operations? Operations?

I'll put it on an Excel spreadsheet. That'll be quicker. Right, yes. And that would sort it out if people need something? No, but it makes the lists nice and tight. No. Who do you blame, Mark, for the fact that 1 in 11 people in the UK are on a NHS waiting list?

Well, it's the 1 in 11 people that just... Me, me, me, me, me would be... They tried to kind of delegate healthcare to other places where it might be suitable, so like pharmacies, for example. I got a vaccination for travel recently and I went to a pharmacy and I was like, cool. And he took me to this back room, I swear to God, it was a storeroom.

There was just boxes everywhere. And he said, sit there. And there was just a chair surrounded by all these boxes. He was like, don't worry, I know what I'm doing. And I was like, just by saying that, it feels like you don't. Well, then you get these people who say, well, you should try a preventative philosophy to it all and stuff.

But I remember, I sort of read these articles that go, take up a sport, but make sure you ask the doctor first. And I always think, what? I can imagine if you go into the doctors and they say, yes, come in, what's the trouble? No, there's no trouble, doctor. It's just that I've booked up to play badminton next Wednesday and I just thought I ought to let you know.

He'd just go, Oh, get out! I've got people here who haven't had a shit for a month! Get out! Sure, there's a spreadsheet for that as well, isn't there? Yes, the NHS waiting list has reached 6 million, with more than a quarter of A&E... Was it applicants?

Customers? Contestants? Contestants, that's it. ..are having to wait longer than the average England test... Sorry, longer than four hours to be seen. The junior under-minister for health, Drellard Butt-Clark, announced that following the global success of the Slow Food movement, which aims to get everyone to slow down a bit in this hectic universe,

the government remains committed to slow surgery. It helps people appreciate being alive and well even more, said the MP for Sutterbridge, who also announced that waiting time is set to be rebranded as Bonus Reflection Time. Even more, said the MP for Snutterbridge, who also announced that waiting time is set to be rebranded as bonus reflection time. Right, the score is now five to Team Quat, two to Team Won't Quit. Oh, by the way, podcast listener, yes, you,

we're making some changes to where you find this podcast. From next month, you can hear the Friday Night Comedy podcast 28 days before anyone else in the entire universe for free on BBC Sounds. So download the BBC Sounds app, search for Friday Night Comedy and subscribe. Moving on to the goings on in Downing Street, the Prime Minister's filled some of the gaps in his Downing Street team and tinkered around with his cabinet like the toy that it is. But what song did Boris Johnson supposedly sing with his newly appointed Director of Communications stroke head of propaganda, Gito Harry? Was it A, you've got to fight for your right to party? Was it B, oops, I did it over and over and over again?

Was it I will survive by Gloria Gaynor? Was it On Reflection, It Doesn't Matter What Happens To Me and Whether Or Not I Survive, The Overall Good Of The Country And The State Of Our Democracy Is The Most Important Thing? That was also by Gloria Gaynor. That was the less-known B-side. Or was it Look Over There, It's A Pheasant, a little-known 1968 duet by Jimi Hendrix and Margaret Thatcher? It was I Will Survive, but only because they didn't know the words to Last Night

I Heard the Screaming by Tracy Chapman. This is Guta Hari, right? He's the new spokesman, the comms guy at Downing Street, and he gave an interview on, like, his first day, or before his first day, in which he described Boris Johnson as not a complete clown. And you're thinking, which

part of the clown is he? I mean, he's a weird appointment, Hari, there, because he knows Johnson very well. He worked with him for many years, so he knows what all the problems are there, which is everything. Boris Johnson said, at last we've now got the grown-ups

in place. So if this is grown-up, I will survive complete clown, who did they have before them? They must have had a mental age of two before. They must have been sat at a cabinet meeting and his chief of staff going,

I don't want to go on the conference and say hands, face, space. I don't like Professor Chris Whitty. I don't want to go. I want to say heads, shoulders, knees and toes. Nothing would surprise you now. We went to Prime Minister's questions and there was like

Jacob Rees. But Jacob Rees-Mogg has been made... It's been made the Minister of Brexit Opportunities. Minister for BO. We have introduced a rule that now that we are no longer in the EU, we can have jousting in the shopping centre. Once again, once we are shorn of the bureaucratic rule of the EU,

we can now once again return to the rule whereby one is permitted to use a Frenchman as an ironing board. So he said that Boris Johnson is not all clown, Jackie. I mean, what would you say is the optimum percentage of clown... ..for a prime minister? You do have to have a little sympathy for him. No, you don't. If this is the person who's got your back, and that's

the best they can say about you, then you've not got many friends. On the subject of the reshuffle, Stuart Andrew has become housing minister. Can you tell me how many different housing ministers have there been in the 11 years and 9 months since the Conservatives took power

in 2010? I thought I read it was 11. That's correct, Mark. Yes, you're coming up with a lot of facts today. Sorry. No, no, that's good. But that's what builders are like. Yeah, I'm not surprised by that at all. Imagine the builder that comes in once Boris Johnson resigns.

Oh, dear, oh, blimey, who have you had in here, mate? Oh, gee. According to Dominic Cummings, there are worse what's floating around. People than him. Pretty close. Pictures. Pictures, correct, Jackie, yes.

Worse photos floating around than the one that was revealed this week. So why didn't they use it? He can't even tell you whether he was at an illegal party at which there were other people saying he was there and there are pictures of them on the front page of the newspaper. I can't say if I was there.

We wait for the investigation. It might turn out that Boris Johnson is not Boris Johnson, that Boris Johnson is Shirley Bassey or... Fair enough. If you can't remember whether you were at a party in your own garden, that's fine, but you should probably be in a home and not in charge of a country with nuclear weapons. So this was considered not worthy of investigation.

Tinsel and Santaanta hats and prosecco i'm still impressed by the fact that they put a nicely positioned hand sanitizer on there yes because i felt that really cleaned up the picture i think they're doing shots of it weren't they yes a new photo of a downing street party emerged whilst bor Johnson was in the House of Commons announcing the end of all Covid. Now, obviously, the instinctive reaction when Johnson makes a major announcement is to think, what is he trying to hide? Was it another story about dubious Covid contracts and vast government wastage? Well, it could have been, but no. Was it rumours about a former Tory prime minister about to slam his leadership?

Was it Benjamin Disraeli from The Grave, maybe? No. John Major, perhaps? Well, yes, but it wasn't that. leadership? Was it Benjamin Disraeli from The Grave maybe? No? John Major perhaps? Well, yes, but it wasn't that. But sure enough, a photo emerged of a Christmas quiz from December 2020 that was not one of the 12 so-called parties under

investigation by the Met Police, as it didn't meet the threshold of evidence. Are we going to do anything about this retired police lady? Well, let's move on to that, shall we? Here's a question for you. Who, just before we started recording, who has been decommissioned no idea no the magic the retired police lady crested a dick yes she's resigned because sadiq khan had lost confidence in her she was meant to quit the job i think last year or the

year before but she wasn't allowed to go then so all she could ever do was go we can't investigate that at one point the met said we can't investigate that. At one point, the Met said, we can't investigate these parties because they're in the past, which, that makes policing really easy. Now, we're going to have a new method of policing. Instead of this old-fashioned, rather incompetent and cumbersome way of investigating crimes that, frankly, have already happened and, therefore, there's nothing we can do about them, we're going to only arrest people who haven't done things

but we think they might do in the future. Cressida Dick. That's what she's doing. Now she's retired, she should be in the shortest ever detective story ever made. Oh, there seems to be a crime. There's a man there with a gun and he's just shot somebody and we saw it. Well, there's no point in investigating that. And now the news.

Yes, Cressida Dick will be commissioning no more policing, metropolitan or otherwise. London's number one ranked copper has quit under pressure from Mayor Sadiq Khan following a difficult period of criticism for the Met concerning, oh, absolutely loads and loads of stuff. Just two hours before her departure was announced, Dick said she had absolutely no intention of resigning, suggesting that this was a resignation in the same way that Charles I chose to stop wearing hats. Moving on now with the scores,

tantalisingly poised at 19 to Team Quat, 13 to Team Won't Quit. As those of you listening who've been alive for more than five minutes will know, we live in an age where truth is the first casualty of not just war, but also of politics, economics, news, sport, history, and all forms of human communication. Opinion is the new fact. That is a fact. So in this round, our panellists get two points for a factual answer,

but as citizens of the third millennium, they get four points if they can tell me their opinion of what the answer is and if they can avoid the question completely and answer a different one I'll give them six points. So such are the times we live in. The first question, this can go to Jackie and Mark on Team Quat. What will not be

happening in the UK before 2030? Oh, the World Cup. That's correct, that's a factual answer for two. It's probably someone else's go, but we think this is all the legacy of empire, isn't it? We think, but the World Cup should be here because we used to rule the world, and that's why we always think we should win the World Cup.

I should think we'd probably put in for the Winter Olympics as well. It should be in here. What's wrong with Dorking as the venue for the next Winter Olympics? Yes, the Football World Cup will not be happening in the UK before 2013. I mean, can we just call it a unilateral World Cup? Like a snap World Cup? I mean, I think we should call it a snap Olympics. I think that's what this country needs.

Jackie, has Handforth Council ever considered bidding for a major global sporting event? No. No. I want to see you propose this, and I want to see on Zoom all the other councillors' faces when you say that we're bidding for the Olympic. Do you?

There must be some human rights atrocities you've got to cover up in handful. Sure. This next question can go to Team Won't Quit to Athena and Hugo. Who has been doing what for 70 years? Is that how long Boris Johnson's been Prime Minister? No, it just feels that way. No, I don't know who's been doing what.

I mean, lots of people are doing things. Is it living? Is it someone's birthday and they're 70 years old and they're just alive and this is your birthday shout out to them? It's getting warmer. This is why the BBC needs to be shut down. It's great. Her Majesty has been

serving this country for 70 years and the entire team on the panel show isn't even aware of the service that she has provided. I have never been so ashamed. It's a record-breaking 70 years of non-stop monarchy. 24-7, 365 and a quarter by the full-time head of state

and 68-time British banknote model of the year. Christopher Biggins won it once. That was an administrative error. Next question is, what is causing havoc in Canada? It's like a moose, probably. I'll take that as an opinion for four points. How has the moose been causing havoc? The moose?

Yeah. It's a big moose. It's getting in the way. Any other suggestions? What's causing havoc in Canada? Isn't it some truck-driving protesters? Yes. Two points.

Can't remember quite what the protest is about. It's something a bit peculiar, isn't it? Truckers who are opposed to COVID restrictions are causing havoc in Canada. But they spend all day trucking, wasn't it? Truckers who are opposed to Covid restrictions are causing havoc in Canada. But they spend all day trucking. What's it to them? Good point. Mind your own business.

Just deliver it. What? That makes no sense. Oh, you should be the Prime Minister of somewhere. Yes, protesters opposed to Covid restrictions have been blocking the centre of Ottawa and a bridge to the USA. Another question now. One in three Americans contains what?

Remember, it can be fact or opinion. One in three Americans contains what? A bullet. I don't know. I mean, that's... I think that's definitely an opinion and possibly a fact. A bad English accent. That's what the American accent is.

The answer is toxic weed killer, apparently, according to a new survey. Not toxic enough. That's because of Trump, isn't it? That's one of his Covid cures. Quite possibly. A survey has revealed that one in three people across America have detectable levels of a toxic herbicide,

which might explain quite a lot of things. Entering the final round, we have Team Quat, leading by five from Team Won't Quit. Our final question. What lasted for a record five seconds this week? Record five seconds? What lasted for a record

five seconds this week? I pushed my daughter on her balance bike down a hill and that was about five seconds. Right. No, it was in fact a bit of nuclear fusion. Oh, yeah.

Oh. That clocked in a cool 150 million degrees Celsius in a laboratory in Oxfordshire. It smashed the world record. Hang on, is this science or sport? Is science becoming a sport? In which case, I'm all ears. What an amazing double trip back radioactive half-life 13.5 double tomahawk explosion.

Chernobyl wins the gold again. It was apparently a huge breakthrough. They smashed their own world record for most energy magicked out of thin air by forcibly wadging bits of hydrogen together, I believe is the technical term. It's because they've got bigger magnets. It's all about the size of your magnet. Right. Yeah, because it gets very hot when you fusion the f term. It's because they've got bigger magnets. It's all about the size of your magnet. Right. Yeah, because it gets

very hot when you fusion the fusions. When you make the fusions, it gets hot. But it gets so hot that it melts the fusion container. Right. So you need a really big magnet so that the fusion can float. Fusioning... Oh, they've been using Tupperware up to now.

It's basically because you get fusion in the sun, and the sun stays where it is because of all the magnets. Right. And so if you've got really, really big magnets... Are we learning? Yeah. Inform, educate and entertain.

If you've got really, really big magnets, you can build a sun and do the fusions, and it's going to be fine. Oh, this is brilliant. You'll be, when Cox is finished... Yeah. the sun and do the fusions and it's going to be fine. You'll be, when Cox is finished, you don't get clarity like that from him, do you? What you need is really huge magnets.

Then you can build your own sun. So, in terms of the scale of this fusion, 150 million degrees Celsius for five seconds, what could you do with the energy that was produced? Boil 60 kettles. Correct, Jackie, yes. Now, that, to me, seems like not a lot of kettles

for 150 million degrees Celsius. And also, how long would you have to wait for it to cool down? I guess if you're boiling the actual kettle, not just the water in it. Yes. And also, how long would you have to wait for it to cool down? I guess if you're boiling the actual kettle, not just the water in it. Yes. And are you boiling the water you need, or are you boiling the full kettle?

Because if we just boiled the water we needed, we probably wouldn't need to make cold fusion. We'd have enough energy. That's a good point. It might be 90 kettles if you were sensitive enough to fill it up to the top. Did it say that in your scientific paper? And then is that any use then? Do you go, well, we've boiled the kettle,

we can have a cup of tea, but no one is allowed within 150 miles of the area for 2,000 years. Was it British people that did the experiment? Because obviously then they communicated the results in kettle. Yes. So if it was Americans, you can execute four people. I think that's really quaint. I love it.

They smashed a world record that has stood since the 1990s for best bit of nuclear fusion. Except for the sun, which does a great job, and I think we should thank it. It's a world record. It's not a solar system record. It's a world record. Silly me. And it stood since the 90s when the hydrogen molecules were all cheating anyway. Everyone did in the 90s.

I think the East Germans clocked 95 million degrees Celsius by merging Olympic 400 metre gold medallist Marita Koch with world long jump champion Heike Drexler. But that might be memory playing tricks. Oh, right, so they haven't been tested yet, then? They haven't been tested. It could be a huge breakthrough for energy generation

as the process requires only some hydrogen, and even I've got some of that, although most of it is tied up in water. And it doesn't create greenhouse gases. The only problem is you've got to have a special cooker that heats it up to ten times the temperature of the core of the sun. 150 million degrees Celsius. That is the equivalent of 600,000 kitchen ovens stacked

on top of each other. I think, if I've done my maths all right. Dr. Joe Mills, the head of operations at the reactor lab, said, we have demonstrated that we can create a mini star inside of our machine, which really takes us into a a new realm and those are not the words of someone who wants to replace fossil fuels with a greener alternative. Those are the words of someone who quite clearly wants to rule the entire universe. That brings us to the end of this week's

news quiz and the final scores are 19 to Jackie and Mark on Team Quat, 14 to Athena and Hugo on Team Won't Quit. Jackie and Mark on Team Quat. 14 to Athena and Hugo on Team Won't Quit. There's some breaking news just reaching us.

Concerns have been raised about another new variant of the COVID virus that makes people sweat marmalade, but scientists are confident they can contain the spread. Thanks to our panellists, Jackie Weaver and Mark Steele, Athena Koblenu and Hugo Rifkind. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Taking part in the news quiz were Mark Steele, Athena Koblenu, Hugo Rifkind and Jackie Weaver. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser,

Alex Keeley, Eleri Morgan and Rajiv Kharia. Thank you.