Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 15th October 2021

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

Catherine Bohart, Michael Deacon, Chris McCausland and Eshaan Akbar join host Andy Zaltzman to look back over the week's news. This week, they look at the COVID report's findings, Boris Johnson's holiday hobby, the Northern Ireland Protocol and a sacked wizard.The chair's script is written by Andy Zaltzman, with additional material by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Rhiannon Shaw and Rajiv Karia.Producer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Mike SmithA BBC Studios Production.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. This week's edition of the News Quiz was recorded on Thursday afternoon before the tragic killing of Conservative MP Sir David Amess. Our thoughts are with his family and his constituency at this sad time. Hello. Following complaints that the News quiz is not always 100% factual, I have been hooked up to a special polygraph to prove that I'm not making up these seemingly implausible news stories.

Here goes. You will hear a ding if what I say is true and a buzz if it's false. William Shatner has been blasted into space at the age of 90. Who'd have thought it? England's football fans behave better than their opponents. Matt Hancock, yes, that Matt Hancock, got a job at the United Nations. And the Queen was wrongly reported to have used a walking stick when it was in fact a pole for pole vaulting

with which she'd just set a new British record of 5 metres 90. Yes, it has been an odd week. You're right, that's just bog standard news these days. Welcome to the News Quiz. standard news these days. Welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman. Welcome to the News Quiz. Our teams this week, we have Team Manifestly Insincere Apology

or MIA against Team Absolutely Without Observable Leadership, Team AWOL. On Team MIA, we have Chris McCausland and from The Telegraph, Michael Deacon. And on Team AWOL, it's Catherine Boharts and Ishan Akbar. And to start us off, this week, question one can go to both teams. Who this week proved that you can fail a Covid test

but still get to go on holiday? Could this possibly be Boris Johnson? Correct. Two points. Who, just before a report by MPs into his handling of the pandemic was published, nipped off on holiday to Marbella. But fortunately, the government has made very clear that it's a working holiday. Tory MPs and ministers have been saying, look, just because he's not actually in his workplace, he can still do his job just as well. There's no problem.

So I think it's good for them to clear that up, because last week in quite a lot of speeches and interviews, including with the prime minister himself, I thought I was getting the impression that you absolutely cannot possibly do your job properly if you are not in your usual workplace. So it's good that they've cleared that up. Or, I don't know, maybe Boris Johnson's job is just particularly easy. Or maybe he's just really, really good at it. And so he can do it anywhere. But the rest of us, the rest of us, I'm afraid, will have to get back to the office. You can do it anywhere, but the rest of us, I'm afraid, will have to get back to the office. Some people have complained about Johnson's leadership,

but can we complain both about his failures of leadership, but then also bleat about him going on holiday as well? Shouldn't we just take it as a temporary resignation, giving the people what most of them wanted for at least a week? Well, yeah, but what's interesting is he's gone to stay in this 600-acre estate owned by Zach Goldsmith. Now, that must be nice. It must be nice having a friend who owns an estate that you can stay in, because I've actually done that too.

I've actually stayed in my friend's estate. It was actually parked in front of his mansion. But also, I'm sorry, if it's a British PM, why are you going on holidays to the Costa del Sol? Like, you're definitely going to meet even more British people there than you would at home. One of the sources of the Spanish police said, officially, we're not allowed to say where he is,

but unofficially, he's in that villa there. LAUGHTER We'll look a little more at the COVID report. I assume you've all read all 160 pages of it. Any particular highlights jump off the page for you? 157 pages, Andy. Sorry, my mistake. I've read the whole thing. And there's even a paragraph in it where it mentions

about how a cobra meeting had to be put off until the following morning because somebody had changed the wi-fi password in downing street and the interesting thing about that is although people are laughing i made it up and no one's really surprised everyone just laughed like that was something that the conservative government would have done i and i think that that says something that the Conservative government would have done. And I think that that says more about the incompetence of the government over this period than anything that's actually written in the report. It is nice that Dowden said sorry. It's such a British quality.

I'm a proud Englishman, but I'm born to Asian parents, right? So I've observed that saying sorry is such a British quality. I'm a proud Englishman, but I'm born to Asian parents, right? So I've observed that saying sorry is such a British quality. We like boiling down so much pain, loss and suffering into a single word like empire, troubles, football. It's absurd that Dad didn't even have to be the one to do it. Like absolutely no one was waiting for the culture secretary's apology during that time. Like no one was like hmm. They didn't wait for him to make the go ahead call on lockdown and if they had I think we'd

know because those early press conferences would have had a lot more pizzazz if the culture secretary was involved. But they didn't and it's just frustrating. Who was the original fella that refused to apologise? I can't remember his name. Stephen Barclay. Yeah he refused to apologise by going, yeah, but the vaccination rollout was good,

which is, like, imagine if everybody had that kind of approach towards apologising. I did cheat on you by sleeping with your best friend. I'm not going to apologise for that, because look how lovely I've painted the living room. I think you'll find this was the quickest and most professional decorating job anyone's done in a living room in quite some time.

The report says we must learn lessons. There's a lot of lessons to be learned, Mike. I mean, what's the biggest lesson you would say that we have to learn from the whole thing? I think one of the main points in the report is saying we should have locked down sooner. Now, of course, these particular MPs weren't saying that in the time. In fact, if you go back about six weeks before the first lockdown, there was really only one politician in this country who was saying, we need a lockdown. We really need to shut up shop anymore, because, you know, he'd lost his place as a Conservative MP a few months earlier. And six months before that, he'd actually put himself forward for the Conservative leadership. So he could have been the Prime Minister during this pandemic, but Conservative MPs decided not to put him

through to the final two. So we got Boris Johnson instead. And I admit myself, at the time when he was saying that, I thought, oh, come off it. The scientists aren't saying that. We must listen to the scientists. And actually, he's the one person who was right, and he wasn't even an MP. So, yeah, the main lesson is just invent a time machine, really. Go back to summer 2019 and elect a different prime minister, and we're away.

I think as well, the other lesson we can learn is Jeremy Hunt said the biggest mistake of the government is they massively underestimated the desire of the British people to sit at home and do nothing for ages. Any other further lessons, Catherine, that you think should be learned from the whole farrago? I mean, it's a good lesson in having an opposition, because at the moment the Tories are as afraid of the Labour Party as most kids are of their stepdad. It's like if your actual dad was coming home that night then you might be worried but what the hell is Ciarán going to say?

I don't know. The other thing to do, and I know this is tricky for Britain, is occasionally follow other countries' lead. Oh, come on! I'm sorry. I know it's not your natural state of play, but when you're like, how could we have known? Yes, maybe no British politicians or scientists were saying

we should go into lockdown, but I don't know, every other nation state was. And it just felt like Britain were like, Britain will decide on its own timeline, and that will be any minute now. The biggest lesson I learned, right, is that the whole of British society, if we want to prepare us for anything like this in the future,

is to raise your children Asian. Right, are you going to show your working on that? I'll show my working. OK, good. Basically, when this lockdown's all started, they were like, listen, you can't meet up to groups of six. Make sure you've got stockpiles. We had rice. We had dal.

We had flour. And my parents have been buying that since 1986. And six friends? You've got to be kidding. Me? Check out my A-level results, mate. I don't have time for six friends. Do you understand? Yes, this is the COVID Select Committee's report on the government's handling of the pandemic, entitled Coronavirus Lessons Learned to Date.

A quick summary, we have a lot of lessons to learn, foremost amongst which is that the lesson that not learning lessons, a key part of the government's early strategy, was not a good idea. That is a valuable lesson that must now be learned, but on recent evidence won't be. The government has responded by not apologising, then apologising too late and not hard enough, which I think is part of a new strategy of herd shamelessness. The vaccine rollout was heralded as one of the great successes of its type.

Johnson has in the past trumpeted the success of the vaccine as a triumph of the free market and green. The report suggests that it was a triumph of the free market apart from in the research, the development, the funding, the logistics, the staffing and the delivery. Boris Johnson meanwhile has been once again leading, not entirely from

the front, leading from holiday. Business Secretary Kwasi Jeunesse Kwarteng asked about... When asked about his boss's holiday, he said, I believe he has gone away, I'm not sure where he's gone. Which sounds like he's on some kind of high-level secret mission and not lounging in Marbella on a Winston Churchill-shaped lilo in Zach Goldsmith's infinity pool and intermittently painting pictures of puppies

sitting around the cabinet table in Downing Street. Paint what you know, that's what they say, isn't it? Even Johnson's most ardent fan, such as himself, would probably concede that he hasn't reached Churchill's level yet, either as a painter or as a leader, but he's getting there. For example, Churchill famously said, I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. And Johnson has got halfway there.

I have nothing to offer. Five words out of ten, not bad. Half a Churchill. Half a Churchill. Elsewhere in health, another health question for you now. 5.7 million people are waiting for what at the moment? Operations. Yes, I'll give that to Chris there, waiting for a hospital

treatment. Do we think that's enough? I mean, really, to really make us appreciate the NHS, does it need to be all 68 million people in the country before we truly cherish it in the way that we say we do? Well, we're good at queuing as a nation, aren't we? So I think, really, we'll truly kind of find our own personal

value in being British when the entire country is just one queue. So are you saying that we're just doing this wrong by waiting at home for our hospital treatment and that if everyone was just lined up to one hospital we'd actually enjoy it a lot more? I think it's our destiny really, isn't it? If we can moan along the way, that'd be great, you know. Do you know what? I tried to bypass the NHS for a particular issue that I have got with my down-belows, Andy. I decided to go private because I've had the same GP for 23 years

and, to be honest, I just know him a little bit too well and didn't want him fiddling around down there. This is something you'd rather be less intimate. Oh, I would much rather invest in a stranger for the occasion. Fabulous. Okay, great. Yeah, I don't really want him asking how my daughter's doing in school while he's having a...

while he's investigating the various contours, you know? Fine, fine. I get it now. I pay private, and there's a lot of people going to be forced to go private and thinking that they're actually getting a better service for it. And I found the opposite

because it turns out I've got varicose veins on me left testicle, right? Yeah. But this is the advice I got from going private. I got told by the doctor, the private doctor,

oh, there's an operation you're going to have, it's something to do with blood flow. I said, oh, well, I know when they need the operation. He said, don't worry, you'll know. What kind of advice is that for me, £600? Yeah, 5.7 million people are waiting for hospital treatment, the highest

since records began in 2007. And GPs have been told by the government to do what more? A, just tell everyone they're OK. B, tell their patients to just look it up on the internet. Or C, have face-to-face appointments. It's C. Correct. It's C, face-to-face.

It is C. It is face-to-face appointments. A lot of people are sort of, people are having to wait to get one. And I have no doubt that GPs are under tremendous pressure and stuff. But it is a serious problem. People do want to have face-to-face appointments with their GP. And if they can't get one, the real problem is that they'll go online and start Googling their symptoms. And I think that's a terrible mistake because this is my experience.

It doesn't matter what symptoms you type into Google, you'll find a website that'll tell you it's cancer. Every time I sneeze now, I think, well, that's probably Ebola or cholera or something. But this is why we need GPs back. Yeah, absolutely. To keep us away from Google. Also, 5.7 million people waiting for an appointment. Now, I'm a comedian.

For the last year and a half, I've had zero gigs. And this is the first time I've thought to myself, maybe I should have listened to my dad and actually become a doctor. They seem busy right now. But did all the clapping not sort it out? That's a good question. I mean, what have they done with all those rounds of applause? Did they spend them all straight away?

I'll tell you what happened. All the pots and pans as well. I was giving everyone tinnitus. News of the former Health Secretary, Matthew Hancock. He's been sent to the United Nations as a special representative of the United Kingdom. I mean,

I saw this in the script and I thought, I've got to start reading these in advance because the writers put these Ron Burgundy type things in to trip me up. But this is actually, this is a fact. Matt Hancock has been sent to the UN as a special representative. He's going to focus on helping African countries' economies recover from COVID. We've never been here before, have we? We've never seen a politician do anything like this.

That would be like, I don't know, Tony Blair becoming UN Middle East peace envoy. That would be ludicrous. Like you said, hey, listen, if there's one thing we know about Africa, they love it when white people turn up to fix their problems. Oh, yeah. Well, you don't need to worry about that because Matt Hancock is not going to do any of that.

There's been this hyper-focus on it not being paid as well, which is really odd. Well, maybe it's performance-related, and so people are just assuming that he'll never earn a penny from it. It did say unpaid, didn't it? But maybe it wasn't unpaid, maybe it was UN paid, and he said, just delete the space, no-one will notice. Right, the scores are, at this halfway stage of the show,

six points to Team MIA and Team AWOL have four. Just some breaking news reaching us. Former Star Trek star William Shatner was blasted into space this week, raising concerns that TV shows have started coming true. Game of Thrones' Emilia Clarke has been issued a lifetime ban from the reptile enclosure at London Zoo. Whilst John Neckles is no longer legally allowed within 15 miles of any village.

Moving on now, this question goes to Team AWOL, to Catherine and Ishan. Who and or what is set for a scrap about a scrap? Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland. Northern Ireland. Now, Catherine, can you just sum the whole thing up for us quickly? I can sum it up for you, but I won't be quick. Look, the Northern Ireland Protocol essentially is an agreement made between Europe and Northern Ireland,

except that in the negotiations, nobody said what was evidently unspoken between Britain and Europe, which is that they hate each other. And so they went into the meeting, they made an agreement, and Europe went, Grant, so we will just adhere to this stringently, but never said that to Britain. And Britain went, Grant, we'll just play it by ear, but never said that to Europe.

And then they got there and everyone was like, good meeting, lads. But then afterwards, it's played out and it's essentially meant that Britain are shocked that the checks they agreed to are actually being checked and Europe are meant that Britain are shocked that the cheques they agreed to are actually being checked and Europe are shocked that Britain are shocked by the things they agreed to being stuck to. So can I explain it succinctly? No. But the main issue is the length and the cost of the cheques has meant that loyalists in Ireland feel like there is a distinction between them and the UK because there's rules that affect them that don't affect anybody else in the UK. And so the EU have essentially agreed to reduce the number of goods they check in particular, I think medicines and food products, presumably because they can't

countenance the idea of anyone in Europe wanting to eat British food. But that's where we're at. And I think it's actually gone pretty well. I mean, it's quite an interesting time because obviously the funny thing is that because Northern Ireland is de facto in the single market, it's not receiving sort of Brexit bonus shortages of like petrol and gas and fizzy drinks and hope. You know, the things that are missing here. Whereas

I mean, listen, if David Frost is right and the EU is compromising peace in Northern Ireland, we might end up hoping there is a petrol shortage. But for now... For now, they seem to have come to some agreement. Have I cleared it up? Oh, yeah. That'll do for me.

Ireland's Deputy Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar... That's not what it is. Is it Deputy Taoiseachach or is there another term? Tornister. Tornister, sorry. That's OK. I accept your apology on behalf of my people. Go on. He has warned the world that the UK might be a nation

that does not always keep its word. I mean, Michael, is there a concern moving forward that we're not entirely trusted anymore as a country? Well, maybe there is. Personally, I'm just bored of all these negotiations stretching on year after year, and there's bound to be more of them. I mean, that's all right for the Conservative Party, because it saves them a bit of time.

You know, they went into the last election with the slogan, get Brexit done, and now they can just use it for the next one, and maybe the next one after that. So I'm just sick of all the talking. I'm sure a lot of British people are. So I think the real way to settle this is with a war. I think, you know, it's been a long time since we've had a good European war. And we haven't really had one since the Second World War. And we all really enjoyed that one. I think, I mean, you know, we all love the Second World War in this country. It's basically become our national religion. We think that it's the most wonderful time in our history,

or at least those of us who were born handily after it finished do. We all love it. It's just the greatest tragedy of our lives that we didn't get to live through it. So why don't we start a third? Let's have a third world war. Let's settle this once and for all. I think that's what this country needs to cheer us up. A good world war.

Andy, I'm just slightly reeling from the fact that you suggested that an Irishman with Indian ancestry doesn't trust the British. You what? I was still reeling from the premise as well. You were like, does this mean that we are now not to be trusted? I was like, now? Now?

Yeah, this is the Northern Ireland Protocol and the news that the UK and the EU could be de-agreeing the agreements that had been made in embarking on the notoriously difficult, tricky second protocol. Brexit and Northern Ireland are supposed to be a tricky combination, much to the surprise of absolutely no one with an even slightly functioning

head. As the rehagglements continue, the UK's chief negotiator, David Frost, said that if the EU refused to pop the protocol in their overused shredder, it would be, quotes, a historic misjudgment. Right up there as historic misjudgments go with historically negotiating a protocol just two years ago and then straight away deciding it was misjudged. Frost also said, maybe there is a world in which the protocol could have worked.

How reassuring to know that our government has been negotiating deals that work in a parallel universe. Frost saying that, it's like a builder saying, the shelf would have been fine if only you hadn't put anything on it. Or even stopped standing there holding it to the wall with your hands. It's your fault. It is your fault. So the scores now are 8 to Team MIA, 6 to Team AWOL. We're going to go with a home or away round now,

and a question of sport style. A home question is a story relating to the UK and a way question is from the rest of the known universe. Since Team AWOL are behind, Catherine and Ishan, Ishan, are you going to go home or away? I say let's go home. Why shall we go? Let's go home.

Well, home for you. Go back to where we came from, Catherine and I. It is. Okay, here we go. Go back to where we came from, Catherine and I. Indeed. OK, here we go. Who in Britain has been criticised this week for having said howdy to the Saudis? Oh, this will be Newcastle United. Correct, yes.

Or should I say, New-a-la United. Oh, it's stressful, isn't it, when good old sports gets muddled up with moral questions. And to be fair to Newcastle, you know, not everything in sport is black and white. It's just such an absurd cover. The whole line from Newcastle United has been like, sure, the crown prince of Saudi Arabia

and famed hater of women's rights is the chair of the company, but we're pretty assured that the Saudi government will have nothing to do with the club. And you're like, I'm sorry, come again? They had to make it a term and condition of the contract that they still support the women's football team. It's like,

what? I mean, obviously the girls can't drive themselves to practice anymore, but they will contractually support them. I think the thing here, though, is that the Saudi Arabian human rights record is obviously a massive improvement on that of Sports Direct. Think about this, right. Fundamentally, the fans don't really care. The fans are not worried about this.

Most modern Premier League fans would accept a takeover led by Pol Pot, Stalin and Genghis Khan if it meant their club had a chance of a Europa League spot, right? That is the fact of the matter of this. You know, we can go on and on about it, but the fans are celebrating because one rich guy has been replaced by a much richer guy. That's all that matters, right? I think the problem is, I'm not sure that they aren't just following the example of,

like, you have the entire world going to Qatar. Like, the level of excitement in Newcastle fans is because this isn't a new concept, because it isn't a shocking story. It's just another example of how football, ultimately, money's what matters in football, which is such a shame. Yeah, but think of the goals that are going to get scored. I know, I know. Yes, this is the news.

Saudi Arabia's public investment fund took an 80% stake in Newcastle United. Amnesty described the deal as an extremely bitter blow for human rights defenders, who are actually very similar to Newcastle United defenders. They both try very hard, but ultimately seldom seem to be able to stop their opponents winning.

But this follows the increasing fashion for discredited regimes wanting to rebuild international representations by buying a Premier League football team, so look out for Boris Johnson taking a controlling share of Crystal Palace. Right, it's now eight all, team

MIA. Chris and Michael, are you going home or away? Shall we say away? Let's go away. Whose spell has sadly come to an end? I think this is about a wizard. This is about a wizard in New Zealand. I think it's Christchurch.

He was the official wizard of Christchurch. And after, I don't know, 25 years, however long he's been in this very important civic role, they've decided to get rid of him. And he's not very pleased about that. It's very strange. I don't know why they've got rid of him. And I have to say, I think it's very foolhardy by the local authorities, because after all, he's a wizard wizard and, you know, imagine the terrible vengeance he will wreak upon the townsfolk. You know, this is very, very naive and I think he should be reinstated for this.

Imagine being New Zealand. Imagine these being your problems right now. Do we keep paying the wizard when he said he'll do it for free? Or do we not? Is this the way forward? Is Christchurch setting an example that more cities need wizards? Because most cities have not had wizards, and look at the state of the world.

He did sort of say that in one of his interviews. He was like, modernity's taking over. Now these bureaucrats are just going to sit drinking their lattes on the boulevard. Doesn't bureaucrats drinking lattes on the boulevard sound like the name of a really rubbish painting? Yes. When Van Gogh sold out.

Yes, Christchurch Council in New Zealand has cancelled the contract of its in-house wizard. The Wizard of New Zealand, real name, disappointingly, Ian, has been paid... LAUGHTER ..has been paid by the council since 1998 to provide the city with, quotes, acts of wizardry and other wizard-like services, which...

Wizard-like services! ..which makes himself a cross between Lionel Messi and a corporate tax lawyer. The wizard lamented that no other city in the world has an official wizard, and the key word there is official. That's the problem, isn't it? We've driven them underground.

The winning two points go to Team MIA, who defeat Team AWOL by 12 points to 10. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. Thanks to our panellists Chris McCausland and Michael Deacon, Catherine Bohart and Ishan Akbar. Don't forget as part of the Interchannel Interprogramme crossovers to highlight the issues of climate change, Top Gear's

former cricket hero Andrew Flintoff will be covered in icing and baked for 20 minutes, whilst a Battenberg cake drives the new VW Swizz at 180mph round of disused quarry. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the

news quiz were Catherine Bohart, Chris McCausland, Ishan Akbar and Michael Deacon. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Rhiannon Shaw, and Rajiv Kari. The producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies, and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.