Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 18th February 2022

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

Recorded at the BBC Radio Theatre, his week Andy Zaltzman was joined by Elis James, Olga Koch, Tim Shipman and Shaparak Khorsandi to look at the situation in Ukraine, and how the cream of British politics are dealing with the delicate situation; we looks at the Met Police, in a week that the Met Police are looking at Prince Charles, and in a (possible) world first, we have an audio-only picture round!Hosted by Andy Zaltzman Chairs script by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material from Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Ken Cheng and Rajiv Karia Production Co-ordinators: Katie Baum & Caroline Barlow Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxThe Producer is Gwyn Rhys Davies, and it is a BBC Studios Production.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before you get stuck into this episode, I want to tell you about some changes we're making to where you can find this podcast. From next month, you can hear Friday Night Comedy 28 days before anyone else for free on BBC Sounds. If you haven't already, you can download the BBC Sounds app to listen to Friday Night Comedy first. It's easy.

Once you're there, you'll find even more podcasts available on Sounds before anywhere else. Live BBC Radio and exclusive music mixes. Just search for Friday Night Comedy, subscribe, and, if you want, we'll send you a notification every time a new episode is ready. Told you it was easy. Now, let's get back to the podcast. This is the seventh episode of the News Quiz this year, and I think for the first time,

we are not starting with something about Partygate! APPLAUSE Oh, what have I done? So close to avoiding it. Welcome to the News Quiz. Welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman, and I'm absolutely delighted to say that, despite American predictions,

the Russians did not invade Ukraine on Wednesday. Bit of a 50-50 split in the audience there. Personally, I'm happy with it. Maybe it was because of those American predictions and Vladimir Putin wanting to prove us in the West to be Vladimir Putin doing other things, I hereby predict, on behalf of the West, and I know you're listening, Vlad, that Vladimir Putin will definitely not suddenly retire on Monday morning to run an owl sanctuary in Siberia. Putin will also definitely not appoint his successor and the new Tsar of Russia, Prince Andrew. And he will also not, as a final act in power,

sign a deal with Australia, whereby Russia donates all its tanks to Australia, but in exchange, Australia has to pick 80-year-old Russian babushkas in all of its cricket teams. Our teams this week, we have team out-of-court settlements against team draw-your-own-conclusions.

On team settlements, we have Shappi Korsandi and Tim Shipman. On team conclusions, Korsandi and Tim Shipman. And on team conclusions, it's Olga Koch and Ellis James. And our first question goes to Shappi and Tim. Who could do what almost immediately

or not do it for ages but then still be able to do it immediately, according to whom? I think this must be Russia could invade Ukraine almost immediately, but perhaps not at all. And I think we have to put those in the words of our esteemed Foreign Secretary, Liz Truss, who is doing a very good job, I'm sure you'll agree. I mean, it's a fairly low bar to clear. She decided not to go on holiday,

which at least puts her ahead of her predecessor. And she's been out in Kiev today, wearing one of those great Russian fur hats, walking around looking like Maggie Thatcher. I hate to break it to the Foreign Secretary, but the temperature in Kiev today was six degrees, which is the same as Manchester. But she looked very good indeed.

And then the next big event coming up, you'll all be delighted to know, is that we're going to have a peace conference this weekend in, of all places, Munich. Now, it's not a great track record in Munich for facing down dictatorial tyrants who want to gobble up much of Eastern Europe, but one can imagine Boris Johnson having the time of his life out there, emerging to wave a piece of paper and say,

peace in our time has been achieved, and someone pointing out to him, actually, mate, that's a fixed penalty notice from the Metropolitan Police. Well, if he does get that fixed penalty notice, are they going to actually stick it to him like they would on a car? Is that how they work? I think Liz Truss is doing a brilliant job of

making me feel better about not being that great at geography. She's been accused of Instagram diplomacy because someone realised that on the government Flickr account, who is using

Flickr in 2022, by the way, but there's 700 photos of Liz Truss. There's one photo of her for every five hours she's been in the job. And I was looking through my phone the other day and I thought, how have I got photos of Liz Truss? I don't know, she went to Brownies with my seven-year-old daughter.

That is absolutely amazing. And I suppose that is the modern world. You just can't imagine at the Yalta conference in 1945 when they were carving up Europe after the end of World War II, Winston Churchill getting his phone out and going, come on, budge up, Stalin, run for the socials. Olga, you spent the first 14 years of your life in Russia. Yes, I did.

And your father was Boris Yeltsin's deputy prime minister. Yeah. I think working for Yeltsin's deputy prime minister. Yeah. I think working for Yeltsin to qualify, you just had to, you could be drunk, just you had to be less drunk than Yeltsin. That is a low bar. I think he also had a low bar installed in the Kremlin. I mean, how have you enjoyed the current crisis? First of all, I know I'm on the BBC right now, but I feel like journalists are really excited for a war. Like, they're just, like, waiting to whip out, like, the war font. Do you know what I mean? And it feels like they're, like, doomsday cult leaders

where they're like, uh, it's tomorrow. The war starts tomorrow. And when it's tomorrow, they're like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. We miscalculated. It's actually the next Monday, but it's definitely happening. and it's just been very entertaining to watch sorry about that yeah follow-up question now let's go to both teams it's a multiple choice question what is the whiff of munich is it a a new sausage and-based perfume by the German luxury scent brand Die Schnauzengespritze Stinkhaus? Was it B, a newly discovered tale

by the 14th-century platinum-selling chart-topper Geoffrey Chaucer? Is it C, whiff of Munich is a young Brazilian footballer linked with Manchester City? Is it D, what Defence Secretary Ben Wallace smelled in the air when comparing the diplomatic efforts to downstrop Vladimir Putin to 1930s appeasement? Or was it E, what Defence Secretary Ben Wallace smelled in the air when looking forward to an Oktoberfest-themed NATO social evening with all the other Defence Secretaries? A, B, C, D or E? It's D, isn't it? That's correct. It's the whiff of Munich in reference to attempts to, you know,

stop World War II. Because it's always a World War II analogy. It is never a sporting analogy. I would have loved it if he'd gone, there's a real whiff of the 1990 FA Cup final about all of this. Crystal Palace versus Manchester United and Ian Wright has come off the bench following a broken leg to take the game into a replay.

Alex Ferguson is under pressure at home. He's Putin in this analogy. Who's Ian Wright? I don't know, I haven't got that far yet, but I just wanted to make a sporting analogy. Oh, there is never an obscure moment in history. I'd have loved it if he'd said, there's a real whiff of the 1637 Dutch tulip crisis about this.

Olga, Boris Johnson has said, with those famously reliable words of his, that he will clamp down on Russian companies in London if Putin does indeed invade Ukraine. Are you worried about this? Is Olga Koch limited? What? No, I'm just here with my lesbian lover looking at the Salzburg Cathedral. Well, reports have suggested that over £2 million of Russian money has been donated to the Conservative Party since Johnson became Prime Minister. So, I mean, do we need to give him some credit for this?

If he hadn't got these Russian plutocrats so deeply embedded in Britain, he wouldn't have that card to play now in Ukraine? Exactly. It's all very cunning. Get all the money in and then say, now we're going to cut it off. And, you know, this is very long-term thinking from the Prime Minister. Anyone who says that he makes decisions on a sixpence and can look no further forward than the end of the next hour, that's quite wrong.

This has been a strategy from the start, and I think we should all forward than the end of the next hour. That's quite wrong. This has been a strategy from the start and I think we should all give him a round of applause for that. Do you know, I still am absolutely flabbergasted at how someone like him becomes Prime Minister and I'm beginning to think that Eton isn't the best place to train future leaders. I mean, weirdly, Boris Johnson reminds me of myself. Sort of just ideas above his station, unruly hair. And I remember sitting with a careers advisor

and she said to me, well, your mock exam results aren't very good, are they? Never mind, you're very quirky, good with people, we think travel rep. But at Eton, a kid like me would have been told, oh dear, you're not going to get a doctor or lawyer with these results. Never mind, you're very good with people, we think prime minister. There's been some talk of the possibility of a false flag attack by Russia. Now, a false flag mission, aside from being one of the trickiest bits of cheating to pull off in a professional golf tournament, essentially means organising an attack on yourself

so you can blame it on someone else. Examples of this include most of the history of the Labour Party. Timmy, are you worried that this is a club in Putin's golf bag? Yes, very much so. I think he's very capable of doing something dramatic like that. Is Putin the Tinder swindler? The thing that worries me, though, is Russia have over 100,000 troops on the border with Ukraine.

Putin is 69. Joe Biden is 79. Should you be in charge of a nuclear arsenal around the time you're made to retake your driving test? They've got about two-thirds

of the entire Russian military surrounding Ukraine. Does that not say to you this is the ideal time to invade the other side of Russia? Could we not have the Kamchatka Peninsula by next Tuesday? And it's two-thirds of the Red Army, isn't it? You know, sort of over 100,000 troops.

But he is adamantly saying, no, no, no, no, we're not going to invade. We are not going to invade. It's a team-bonding thing, it's a work's due. He is, and I quote, desperate for his favourite hundred thousand Russian troops to get an authentic taste of a chick in Kiev.

Putin is five foot seven. He needs what any other short king needs, to feel tall. We should send Rishi Sunak over there then, shouldn't we? I mean, he's barely cresting five foot, so that could be the best strategic move we make. Do you think there'd be another reason for Boris Johnson to send Rishi Sunak over there, then, shouldn't we? I mean, he's barely cresting five foot, so that could be the best strategic move we make. Do you think there'd be another reason for Boris Johnson to send Rishi Sunak to a war zone?

Get out to help out. The songs in New Zealand were chosen by the Speaker of the New Zealand Parliament, Trevor Mallard. And it's fair to say he did not duck his responsibilities. Come on, people! Now, we're going to have a picture round. I realise this is a radio quiz, and we generally don't have picture rounds in radio quizzes,

but we're trying to balance that out. So I'm going to describe a picture for our panellistas. They simply have to tell me who is in it from the two options given so here is a description of the picture someone standing moodily in a moscow doorway is it a the pop star sting on the cover of his hit single russians or is it b liz truss on the official government flicker feed. We all give this to Ellis and Olga. I mean, it's got to be Truss, isn't it? Is that what you're thinking, Olga? I was thinking trick question both.

OK, do you play a lot of chess? Because that's completely thrown me. I'm going to defer to a cleverer person. Olga, it's up to you. I'm Queen's Gambit-ing this. Right, you're going with both? Trick question both person, Olga. It's up to you. I'm Queen's Gambiting this. Right. You're going with both? Trick question, both. No, it is just Liz.

The singing song just had a picture of him standing looking like he was in the mid-1980s, which he was. Now to team settlement, to Shappi and Tim. The picture is someone sitting in the cockpit of a fighter jet looking like they're about to blow something to absolute smithereens. Is it A, Tom Cruise in a promotional shot for the forthcoming Top Gun 2 film, or is it B, Liz Truss on the official government flicker feed?

It's got to be Liz Truss. It is Liz Truss, yes. The next picture, to Ellis and Olga. Someone standing in a tank, wearing a helmet and a camouflage flak jacket, looking like they're about to blow something to absolute smithereens. Is it A, the cover design of Simon Sharma's new biography of the influential 20th century American wrongly convicted war hero

and team leader Colonel John Hannibal Smith? B, Liz Truss on the official government flicker? Is it B, Liz Truss? It is B, Liz Truss. To Shappi and Tim, someone going for a jog across Brooklyn Bridge in New York, is it A, Muhammad Ali, photographed by Andy Warhol

before his 1974 Madison Square Garden rematch against Joe Frazier, or is it B, Liz Truss on the official government flicker feed? I know this one. Oh, God, it's a tough one. It's Liz Truss. It is Liz Truss, yes. And finally, this can go to Ellis and Olga.

The picture is of someone stripped down to their underwear, lap-dancing for the devil himself. Is it A, American rapper Lil Nas X in the video for his 2021 hit song Montero, brackets, call me by your name, or is it B, Liz Truss on the official government Flickr feed? Is it B, Liz Truss? Actually, it's not. It's A, Lil Nas X. In fact, his real name is Montero Lamar Hill,

but he chose the name Lil Nas X because he's a huge fan of Peter Lilly, the former Tory deputy leader, as well as cricketer Nasser Hussain and 17th-century Pope Innocent X. Yes, 700 photos of herself foreign secretarialising, is that the verb, on the government's official Flickr account since September last year when she became Foreign Secretary.

But despite that, the Ukraine situation remains delicately poised. What you will. So, yes, indeed, this is the Ukraine situation. Russia's Ukraine 22 February feist about has still, as we record, let me just check the internet, not happened yet. The American prophecy that an invasion would happen on Wednesday proved mercifully wrong, but then things were always happening that no one prophesied.

I don't think even Nostradamus predicted that Nick Clegg would one day be king of the metaverse. Here we are. Russia said it is withdrawing its troops, although it appears to be doing so by bringing more troops to the region, which is a classic withdrawal manoeuvre. Maybe they're just going to help

the others withdraw even more quickly, I don't know. But understandably, the world is taking Putin at face value. And his face says, do not trust me, I'm Vladimir Putin. As the old saying goes, if you can't trust a country's 15-year-old ice skaters, you certainly can't trust its 140,000 strong build-up of troops. Britain's Winter Olympic athletes have been heroically refusing to share podiums with anyone from Russia. Anyone from anywhere, just to be on the safe side. Don't give in, Curlers.

Defence Secretary Ben Wallace suggested there was a hint of 1930s appeasement in the West's approach, and I think we can all hear the echoes of history. In fact, let's just turn up history's microphone now and see if we can catch any echoes as we record. Why does no one listen to me anymore?

There's one for all the history fans out there. Alright, at the end of that round, the scores are five to Shappie and Tim on team settlement, and four to Ellis and Olga on team conclusion Oh by the way podcast listener, yes you we're making some changes to where you find this podcast. From next month you can hear the Friday Night Comedy podcast 28

days before anyone else in the entire universe for free on BBC Sounds. So download the BBC Sounds app, search for Friday Night Comedy and subscribe. Moving on, this can go to Ellis and Olga. Who has no faith in whom or what anymore? This is Metropolitan Police who, after Cressida Dick was suggested to her that she moved on by Sadiq Khan, they've gone, well, we don't trust you, Sadiq Khan, actually. Very much, thank you very much,

because I actually think that the Met is fine. Sensational impression. Yeah. Sorry, I'm talking for all coppers there. It's a sensational impression. Yeah. Sorry, I'm talking for all coppers there. It's a difficult one because I think they've lost a tremendous amount of public trust. But then, you know, I read stories about the Met Police Commando set drugs policy, and then he's been accused of taking LSD on holiday

in a sort of gross misconduct charge. And I'd love it if the people, if the cabinet minister for setting, I don't know, benefits levels had to live on benefits for a week or so. It would be very, very instructive to them as to see whether the benefits are set at a correct level. So, you know, if you're going to set drug policy, have a line of cocaine.

Also, by that logic, Ellis, are you suggesting that all High Court judges should be serial killers? Well, maybe dabble a bit, I don't know. We're lurching from one crisis to another, and I've got to be honest, it makes me feel very good for my parenting skills, because I think I can go at least a week without a crisis. The issue of racism in the police,

the police's deputy assistant commissioner, Bas Javid, this week admitted that some officers have racist views and are racist, but stressed there is absolutely no room for racism in the Metropolitan Police and in fact it's now been confirmed that the racism room has been renamed as Custody Suite 3. There is talk of replacing Cressida Dick with somebody who is of a non-white hue. I don't know what to call people anymore.

It was ethnic minority, I was an ethnic minority, and then they changed that to BAME, and then it was, like, people of colour, and then they keep changing what they call us non-white people just in case we start to feel at home. So I hope no-one's offended by me merely saying non-white because I don't know if that actually works because I'm thinking,

does someone who isn't white really make racism better? I'm just thinking of Preeti Patel. I'm not entirely sure that that's the way to do it. Moving on to other legal issues, the question to both teams is, forgive me while I puke. Are these words, A, the title of hymn number 149 in the classic 19th-century church songbook

Hymns Ancient and Modern? Are they, B, Liz Truss's opening gambit in her meeting with Russian philologist Zoe Lavrov? Or are the words, Forgive me while I puke, Piers Morgan's response to Prince Andrew's legal settlement with Virginia Dufresne, the victim of the Epstein-Maxwell crimes who'd accused the Duke of York of sexual assault and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Sounds like Piers, doesn't it? It is Piers, correct. It's the only thing he'd ever apologised for. We'll move on now to the Great British Understatement Challenge. Can you come up with a better understatement than Prince Andrew regrets his association with Epstein? The Queen is slightly unamused that Prince Andrew was ever born. Henry VIII describing himself as not always being a perfect husband.

Anne Boleyn saying at the gallows, Oh, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Well, I mean, he knew how to end it all. He was one of the early Tinder users, Henry VIII. He swiped down more than left or right. I can give you a great bit of Welsh understatement. In Welsh, a common greeting to someone is, Tu m'évole? Which literally translates as, Are you moderate? understatement in Welsh a common greeting to someone is tu me d'or, which literature translates

as are you moderate? Other understatements you could have had include it has become clear that Mr Putin is not entirely worthy of unquestioning trust. The Prime Minister has not perhaps unfailingly thrown his verbal darts squarely into the treble twenty of truth

and the labour party could perhaps have made greater headway at this time of governmental schmozzlery um i don't know the prince andrew thing i just i would like to do a shout out to my old school actually a school government then welsh medium comprehensive in west wales and camaldon where i grew up because is, oh, we had fantastic facilities. We had rugby pitches, football pitches, gyms, science labs, the works. Because every time I was accused of doing something, but crucially, I had nothing to hide,

I would quite simply ask my mum to give the teachers £12 million. LAUGHTER I mean, Shabby, do you see any way back for... Is he still... to give the teachers £12 million. Shabby, do you see any way back for... They keep saying, is there any way back for Andrew? But back to what? How will he resume his duties of staying over the night with convicted paedophiles?

I don't know what that man did before all this. So way back where? You know, he's still going. He's got the opportunity to go out there and do, you know, adverts for Lynx aftershave, you know. You will not sweat if you take this. Moving on while we're talking about the monarchy, which prince is facing scrutiny over a scandal which he has denied knowledge of, which has the're talking about the monarchy, which prince is facing scrutiny over a scandal

which he has denied knowledge of, which has the potential to embarrass the monarchy and involves large amounts of money and a charity... Haven't we already done...? Oh, no, no, this is a completely different story. Anyone got any suggestions? Well, this is a story about Prince Charles. His charity is being investigated for allegedly selling cash for,

not arms. Honours. Honours. Honours and also sort of fast-tracking citizenship. Do you know what, all of this really makes me understand why people were so into that long-running drama that was sort of based on the life of the royals. What was it called? Sopranos. I mean, if they go on feeling the cholera of all these princes, I mean, we've had some trouble with the prison system and the space available. They could just turn Buck House into an open prison. If they really wanted to be popular with the public, they could turn it into a sort of reality television show.

Prince Andrew should try to escape each week. He could be a bit like, sort of, I'm a celebrity. He could have to eat something really unpalatable like humble pie. A Saudi national has been linked. There's an investigation into him trying to buy himself an honour. I just think if you're rich enough to buy

yourself an honour, spend the money on something else. Spend the money on a real treat. You can change your name via deed poll for £42.44. So I've changed my name to HRH Ellis James OBE, and I've got change from a £50 note. I mean, I don't...

Because it was for passports as well, wasn't it? It was to get British citizenship, right? Well, we had the golden visa scheme that's been wound down, which I think was from the days that Roald Dahl was Home Secretary. Yes, trouble for the royal family this week. It used to be the case, of course, that you could tell if someone was a princess if she could feel a single pea under 50 mattresses. That was before we joined the EU, of course,

and Brussels made us use thicker mattresses, but we've got that back now. You could also be able to tell if someone was a child if they could detect a single pea under 50 fish fingers and a portion of chips. You can tell if someone is a prince by whether or not they are in earnest conversation with some lawyers and muttering the words, Mum is going to be so cross.

Our final round now with Ellis and Olga on team conclusions on 14. Shappi and Tim on nine on team settlement. The UK has lost 8 million watts this winter. Trees? Correct, yes. Can you tell us how they've lost them? Is it through storms? Yes, it is storms rather than just general careless...

Negligence. Are you concerned about this, anyone? Well, we've got two storms, haven't we? Dudley and Eunice. They're a day apart. Surely that's the same storm. There's a sort of McFly busted, McBusted vibe to this. These storms, though, they're pathetic names, aren't they? We're supposed to be frightened of a storm called Dudley.

I mean, Dudley doesn't sound... Don't make him angrier. Storm bastard! Eunice is good, though. Storms are getting older. Eunice is good. Do you know what? I have a friend called Steve and I've got a friend called Mark. And my daughter giggled.

She was like, Mark, Steve. And I was like, why is that funny? She goes, they're such old-fashioned names. They're really old-fashioned. Her best mates are Betty and Mabel. So maybe Eunice is 20. Well, my daughter's called Betty. And yeah, old-fashioned names have sort of come back in.

But no babies are called things like Carol, are they anymore? Or sort of Pauline. There are no Baby Judiths. I mean, the old names are back. I mean, we called our son Tyrannosaurus. I don't want to get nostalgic for my youth, but storms seem to be worse now than they were then. Apart from, obviously, your classic in 1987.

But, yeah, when I was a kid, someone's fence being blown down in Merthyr Tydfil would make the news. When you compare the current storms with the modern storms, which have just ruined lives over the last few years, and then you compare them to stormers of the past, the storms of the past seem so tame. It's like when you watch the TV programmes that upset Mary White so much in the 60s.

I mean, the nipple count in Game of Thrones would give Mary Whitehouse a heart attack. Yes, the UK lost 8 million trees so far this winter. They were mostly brought down by winter storms. Some were pulled down by protesters for historic wrongdoing. Conspiracy theorists have claimed that the numbers are over-reported and that a lot of these trees were already dying when the storms hit. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz.

The final scores. Ellis and Olga on team conclusions have 16 convincing winners over Tim and Shappi. I'm afraid your wordle for this week is loser. Some breaking news. Just reaching us in a desperate attempt to rehabilitate his reputation, Prince Andrew has announced that he will be bidding to host the 2030 FIFA World Cup.

If further damaging revelations emerge, he might go for the 2032 Olympic Games as well. I'll do whatever it takes, said the former vice-deputy monarch, claiming that him hosting the World Cup is, quotes, only fractionally more ridiculous than Qatar hosting it, when you think about it. He's also pledged that if successful in his Olympic bid, he will convert himself into a 6,000-capacity water polo arena.

Thank you very much for listening. Thanks to our panellists, Ellis James and Olga Koch, Shappi Korsandi and Tim Shipman. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Shapparat Korsandi, Ellis James, Tim Shipman and Olga Koch. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman

and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Ken Cheng and Rajiv Kharia. The producer was Gwynne Weece-Davies and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. Thank you.