Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 21st January 2022

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

Andy Zaltzman and the News Quiz satirise the week's news from the UK and beyond.This week Andy is joined by Alice Fraser, Chris McCausland, Daliso Chaponda and Hugo Rifkind. They try to make sense of a week of big dogs, pork pies and red meat.Chair's Script: Written by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material: Written by Heidi Regan, Cameron Loxdale, Stephen Buchanan and Tasha Dhanraj. Production Coordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Producer: James RobinsonA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello and welcome to the news... Ah! ..with me, Andy Zolt... Ah! I'm very sorry about the difficult start to this show,

but unfortunately I'm busy sticking my fingers into an electrical socket. It's just nobody told me not to do it. Welcome to the News Quiz. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman and with the BBC facing cuts after the government announced a freeze in the licence fee, this week's news quiz will be the last one to use vowels. So do enjoy it.

It's going to be tricky next week. The week after that there will be no panellists, then the following week there will be no recording equipment. I'll just yell it out of a window and hope a few people hear it. And then the rest of, there will be no panellists. Then the following week, there'll be no recording equipment. I'll just yell it out of a window and hope a few people hear it. And then the rest of the series will be an aching void of nothingness, in tune with the corporation's new Nadine Derizian values. Time to meet this week's teams.

We have Team Big Dog against Team Little Plastic Bag for when Big Dog does what big dogs do. On Team Big Dog, we have Alice Fraser and Hugo Rifkin. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And on Team Plastic Bag, we have Chris McCausland and Darlisa Shaponda. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Plastic Bag, we have Chris McCausland and Darlisa Schiponda. Just hearing that mere minutes before the first question,

Hugo defected to Team Plastic Bag. It's actually been on the cards for the last four months, hasn't it, Hugo? Andy, I notice that this puts me at three to one odds. Is this still vengeance for the last four months, hasn't it, Hugo? Andy, I notice that this puts me at three to one odds. Is this still vengeance for the ashes? Well, I couldn't do four against none, could I, Alex? I personally think it reflects quite badly on Team Plastic Bag that they're prepared to have me. It just shows what hypocrites they've been for the preceding 70 seconds or so of the show.

Right, question one. Which is the odd one out from the following carnivorous menu? Pork pie, red meat, big dog, extra large chicken and disappointing lettuce. First of all, Andy, I think the word disappointing is redundant. It's implied in lettuce. Andy, I think the word disappointing is redundant. It's implied in lettuce.

I think they were all names for the operation to essentially save Boris Johnson from his own nonsense. But I do think that there was no big chicken. You've just changed it so that we can say it on the radio, right? Was there a big chicken? Was there a chicken? No, they were all plots or counterplots designed to bring down or keep up the Prime Minister this week. The extra-large chicken, I have tied it up

for the News Quiz as a family show. One Tory backbencher was quoted as saying, it isn't Operation Big Dog, it's Operation Massive Cockerel. Although he got distracted and tailed off the final four letters of the last word there. It's confusing, Andy, because I believe there are two pork pie plots.

There's the one pork pie plot, which is like the Tory rebels who happen to come from the constituency where pork pies come from, Melton Mowbray. And then there's the government's own ongoing pork pie plot, which is a plan to get the British public to swallow bollocks and dog meat. So I think you should clarify which one you're talking about. When the pork pie plot chooses its new leader, it lets the public know by squirting brown sauce out of a straw on the top of Big Ben.

Boris is not a big dog. At most, he's like a large weasel or something like that. I don't see him and think big dog. Do you think this is what they meant two weeks ago when they said he'd lost his lead? Also, he could probably do with being neutered, couldn't he? I mean, it's too late for Carrie, but we can save so many more. I'm guessing he's probably quite a nuisance down the street as well.

Every time Carrie turns her back, he's probably humping the table legs. I just think this is such a charming story, the idea that you would try to save your prime minister. In Australia, we had to officially change the title from prime minister to prime minister at the time of writing, or the arsehole formerly known as prime minister. It's like when you introduce your wife as my current wife. Like when you introduce your wife as my current wife. The thing which frustrates me about all of this is it was a terrible party. Like, if you are going to ruin your political heritage, it should be like a Berlusconi-level bonga-bonga party

with ram's horns and, you know, sacrificing virgins, drinking the blood of Labour Party enemies or something like that. One of the things that confuses me, like we had the Christmas parties where they had wine and cheese and games. No one said what games, like avoid Matt Hancock at the mistletoe, that's one.

But the thing that annoys me is that the one that's caused all the uproar was the one outside and we're calling it Partygate, and it should be called Gardengate. Why is no-one calling it Gardengate? Sue Gray's even got to decide whether it is a party, and I just feel so sorry for her, because, I mean, that's it now. That's the rest of her life. Poor Sue Gray.

You know, weddings, bar mitzvahs. Sue, is this a party? Is it? Sue, is it a party? He was telling us the rules every week. That's how I knew the rules, because he told me. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that it's cast doubt on the meaning of words. Like, people don't know what words mean anymore. People are going to be pausing mid-coitus going, is this a business meeting? I don't know what words mean anymore. People are going to be pausing mid-coitus going, is this a business meeting? I don't know.

There's this story now about whether the whips have been blackmailing MPs to get them to back Boris. And Boris Johnson says, you know, I have seen no evidence of blackmail. That's his quote, I have seen no evidence of blackmail. But he saw no evidence of a garden party, despite being in it and there being a trestle table and lots of drunk people. So you kind of wonder if he's saying, I see no evidence of blackmail,

while he's actually in an office where there's a backbencher tied to a chair and Jacob Rees-Mogg is standing over him holding a dentist's drill. Hugo, do you think... There's a lot of talk about Johnson's future and the sense in the last day or so has been that the rebels are sort of drawing back from ousting him now. Do you see him still being Prime Minister in a month or two months or three months?

I don't know. I mean, you can see the scenario where he's gone very quickly and you can see the scenario where he's still kind of with us at the heat death of the universe, can't you? I mean, it's... I don't know, it does your head in a bit. Oh, the people deciding now, deciding now that Boris Johnson is a disastrous. Like, where have you been?

I mean, like, Dominic Cummings is basically the guy who's really wielding the knife against Boris Johnson. And Dominic Cummings' whole thing is, well, I know a secret, and that secret is that Boris Johnson isn't very good at his job and doesn't always tell the truth. And it's like, what, really? You figured this out after working with him for five years and making him Prime Minister? You know, people say Cummings might bring down the government.

He's already brought down the last two governments and he's the guy who put Boris Johnson in charge of this. Like, if he brings down the government, what's his next plan? Who's he going to put in as PM next? Like a puppet who thinks he's a boy and go, oh, no, he lies a bit, you know? Doesn't the Tory-Rebel alliance, though, sound like Disney have taken the Star Wars franchise

one spin-off too far? And in terms of the defection, Christian Wakeford, the MP for Bury South, defected to Labour just before Prime Minister's questions on Wednesday. Do you think there will be more defections, or are we at a stage where there's just going to be a basic kind of football-style transfer market

and people will be bidding to probably get rid of the MPs they don't want anymore. Do you not think there should be a different word for it, though, than, like, defection? When you compare it to, like, somebody walking across the incredibly dangerous no-man's land between North Korea and South Korea and you say he's defected

and then you use the same word for someone who just swaps seats. Yes, the correct answer was indeed disappointing lettuce, if you can remember the original question. This is a quiz, people. Never forget, this is a quiz. I don't think we can decide for sure

it's a quiz until Sue Gray tells us. Can I defect? We should have a vote of no confidence against Andy and replace him with Alan. It was a titanic clash between Operation Save Big Dog and Operation Tell the Kids that Big Dog has gone to live on a farm. Christian Wakeford defected from the Tories to Labour. Some have pointed out that Wakeford's voting record

on issues such as universal credit and the Police and Crime Bill sits about as comfortably with traditional Labour values as a blue whale in a hydrophobic synonymous meeting. That starmer responded, hang on, let me just count the number of MPs we've got. He's in. He's definitely in. It does seem that the immediate threat to Johnson's prime ministerhood has receded for now, at least until Sue Gray Day,

with many MPs presumably thinking, well, he's only just had the place redecorated, it seems a bit unfair to kick him out now. Another odd one out question for you now. Operation Red Meat involves assuming that backbench MPs are behavioural wolves and can be pacified by being lobsome chunks of policy flesh to slake their bloodlust, which doesn't say a lot for our politics, but there you go.

Which of the following is not part of Operation Red Meat? A, having a pop at the BBC. B, having a pop at immigrants. C, calling in the military. Or D, reactivating Fraggle Rock. All populist moves, but which one has not come from the government? Any suggestions? Well, Fraggle Rock.

I think, I mean, they did announce that they were going to sort of ship asylum seekers to Fraggle Rock, didn't they? The whole asylum thing is really bizarre because Priti Patel and Liz Truss, they were in talks about outsourcing UK asylum claims to countries like Ghana and Rwanda. So wait, you don't want to give the foreigners work by giving other foreigners work? I don't understand. Then Ghana came back and said, this isn't true, they haven't been speaking to us at all.

Oh, really? Which makes you think, who was Priti Patel speaking to when she thought she was speaking to Garner? Oh, well, some of those emails are very convincing, aren't they? In terms of the war between the government and the BBC, where do we think that's likely to end up? The surprise culture secretary, Nadine Dorries, said it's over for the BBC and they know it,

as the government ramped up its post-Brexit campaign to boost global Britain by assaulting the British institution that has the widest global reach and reputation. I mean, it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Well, I personally am slightly hopeful that this is the end of my jokes being removed for the sake of balance. I'm hoping the BBC is going, the gloves are off. Do them all. I've got a file of rejected jokes which were too far. They're all coming out. This pickaninny with a watermelon smile has got his AK-47 loaded.

As a populist policy, somebody saying we want worse entertainment and less of it doesn't seem like the kind of Roman bread and circuses move that you'd want. and less of it. Doesn't seem like the kind of Roman bread and circuses move that you'd want. The odd one out was indeed reactivating Fraggle Rock, which has been done by Apple TV rather than the government. They've brought back the 1980s puppet show. Nadine Dorrie said she could not envisage a world

where households in 2028 were still paying a fee based on ownership of a television, presumably because by then most constituents will have had to sell their TVs for food. Further cuts will have to be made at the corporation, which has already seen funding fall in real terms over recent years. As a result, the hit biographical series Great Lives is to be scaled back to what Mike and Jim did at the pub last Wednesday.

Whilst all traffic bulletins will now be archive repeats from the 1730s. Mostly wolf warnings and the highwayman alerts. Moving on, what is set to end in March? February. Is it marching? Marching is going to end in March. Well, marching in protest. The police sentencing crime bill or something?

Well, they've been defeated in the Lords on various elements of that, so marching actually might be allowed to carry on in march. Oh, interesting. There was one bit of the bill which confused me, though, because they said that they were going to introduce suspicionless stop and search. And the entire British black community was like, but wait, that's always been the case.

Obviously, Delisa, it's been a very successful pilot scheme. Rolling it out across the whole country now. I just love the irony of the House of Lords defending the rights of the people against their elected representatives who are trying to take away their rights. Just a bunch of milky old feudal farts inheriting their political power

by the undeniable virtues of dad jizz. In Australia, dad jizz is probably like the name of a smoothie or something, isn't it? Oh, you want to get yourself some dadgis. Any other guesses? What's the question? What are we talking about? It's something to do with lettuce. We've done that one, Chris. We've done that one.

Can everybody please focus? The question is, what is set to end in March? Oh, it's lockdown restrictions, isn't it? Specifically, it's compulsory self-isolation for people with COVID will end in England on the 24th of March. All plan B measures ending next week. These include mask wearing, moving to a different seat on a train if someone so much as sniffles, sniffling on a train to make sure you get your own table, cancelling football matches you think you might lose and lounging around in your gym jams until midday.

Is that a regulation? I think it was a regulation. Like, self-isolation is now optional. It's like, just go, go spread it, do your thing. Yes. I didn't even know this, but, like, why? Why? There's no logical reason. This is just like, oh, we want to show we're serious. This is like, we're at a curry house

and we want the hottest vindaloo just to show we mean business. I'm going to step in here in the name of bbc balance and say what a boon for the underwiring industry bras with underwires back on the table unlike your boobs which are no longer on the table can i just talk to the women in the audience here who here has worn an underwire in the last two years not Not me. Wearing one right now. You don't even know what

one is. No. Yes, compulsory self-isolation will end on the 24th of March. The government said they will trust the judgement of the British people before looking at themselves in the mirror, reading newspaper headlines about themselves, giggling and saying, fingers crossed.

The government suffered more parliamentary problems when the House of Lords rejected several key provisions of the Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill. It even contained a provision which could result in penalties for protesters for accidental breaches of restrictions they ought to have known about. Yes. Hello, irony, my old friend.

The punishments for breaching a regulation you ought to have known about range from police fines to being viewed as potential prime ministerial material. At the end of round one, Team Big Dog, Alice Fraser, has two, and Team Plastic Bag, Chris, Delisa and Hugo have four. Round two now, this question can go to Team Plastic Bag. Who wants to have what taken away from them and when? Who wants to have what taken from them? It's the rich and their money, isn't it? That's correct. Yes. Yes. Lots of super rich people have said they wrote a letter to the

government saying, tax us now, which is typical of the bloody super rich, because no, you just have to wait another 10 days like all other self-employed people, actually, because that's when it happens. But they're saying it's unreasonable that we've got much, much richer during lockdown, during COVID, because our money's just piled up and the government should take it away. And of course, they've got much, much richer because it's a working from home thing. You know, we've all saved money on the commute. And if you commute in a helicopter, then it's all the more, I suppose. So they're saying basically, tax us more, take our money, we want you to. And they wrote a letter about it.

I'm very suspicious. Why do they want to pay tax now? They know something. They know the revolution is coming, right? And they're trying to win us over? No. I think there's a lot more pressure on these billionaires than we might appreciate, you know?

I mean, I think that all of these billionaires, they're looking at the bigger picture and they're realising that they'd rather give a lot of their money away than be forced into entering the space race. Alice, you're not a financial billionaire, but you've just had a baby, so you are spiritually rich at the moment. Are you going to ask for yourself to be spiritually taxed as a result of that?

I think I already have spiritual tax in the form of little old ladies coming up and interferingly telling me what to do with my baby. If these rich people want to give away their money, there was nothing stopping them, right? There's loads of charities and starving people. You don't need to be, oh, wait for the government. No, it is that thing of them being like, we could pay taxes. We just have to stop hiring these expensive accountants

to get us all the loopholes. But we can't help it. It's like someone going, please hide the chocolate. Please pour the booze down the sink. I can't help myself. I must take advantage of this suffering world. But it's interesting that this idea that taxing the rich has now become entirely consensual.

But the rich, of course, do have a safe word if they want to stop being taxed. I think it's Cayman Islands. Nobody should be allowed to become a billionaire. It should be like once you are a millionaire, that's it. It should be like a kid eating ice cream. Once you finish the whole tub, we're just like, that's enough now. OK, that's enough now. OK? That's enough now. Well, evidently some of the

super-rich have come to the same conclusion. 102 members of the club Mega Wealth have called for a global wealth tax to help with pandemic response and narrow the gap between rich and poor. These people include Abigail Disney, heiress to the Disney Empire, so a genuine plutocrat.

Disney, heiress to the Disney empire, so a genuine plutocrat. In a letter ahead of the virtual Davos World Economic Forum, they said, tax us, the rich, and tax us now. Taxing the UK's wealthiest 120,000, people could raise an estimated £43.7 billion a year, enough to do exciting stuff like a death laser for teachers to improve classroom discipline, catapults and crash mats to replace internal flights as a carbon-neutral form of transport,

and a 200-mile-high robot statue of the Queen to give us something to cling to as a nation in these divided times. Right, at the end of round two, it is four to Alice Fraser on Team Big Dog and seven to Team Plastic Bag, Chris McCausland, Delisa Shaponda and Hugo Rifkind. Moving on to our final round now. A bit of a role reversal here. I will be providing the answers and our panellists have to tell me the question

inspired by Jeopardy, which is the US TV show rather than the future of the BBC or the new fragrance released by Boris Johnson. So we'll start with the first one. I'll give the answer. Our panellists have to tell me the question. The answer is Massive Potato. What is the question? What do vegans call

Operation Red Meat? Can you describe Wayne Rooney's head? What is Mr Potato Massive called on the electoral roll? It's all good, but not quite right. The correct question is, what is having to have its DNA tested to prove it is what it says it is? The thing is, do they need to do a DNA test?

It's a potato. I've seen the picture and it's clearly a potato. It's got its father's eyes. It's a potato from New Zealand, which claims to be the world's biggest, but it's having to have its... It doesn't claim anything. It's a potato from New Zealand which claims to be the world's biggest, but it's having... It doesn't claim anything. It's a potato. Mate, if it's claiming, it's not a potato. I'll be honest, I'm disappointed now that I know what the maximum

or the biggest size of a previous potato was. It was like 4.9 kilograms or something. I just thought potatoes got bigger than that. And all of the scientists in the world, I'm just surprised there haven't been more of them working on massive potatoes. After its DNA testing, the potato is now filming its own episode of Who Do You Think You Are?

It's bound to have links to King Henry VIII via his son, King Edward. The answer is, because of 5G, obviously, what is the question? The planes, innit, mate? Yes, correct. Yeah, there's going to be, like, plane crashes all over the place because mobile phone signals

are going to do that thing off Diode 2 when they think the ground's closer than what it is so when 5g first created the coronavirus now plane crashes this is just the price we've got to pay for faster porn but it's just in america right yeah the american aviation authorities are worried that 5g is going to make their planes fall out of the sky. You've got planes not falling out of the sky in the rest of the world, even though there's 5G, but it's just yet another example of America

not really believing that the rest of the world exists. What a rubbish horror film as well, though, 5G on a plane. Yes, the correct question is, why could American aeroplanes soon be falling out of the sky willy-nilly? It's because of that pesky old scheme of 5G, the celebrity technology standard for broadband cellular networks. It's adding to its catalogue of chaos. Obviously, it caused all COVID.

Sorry, BBC cutbacks mean we're down to one very cheap researcher who's based out of a trailer in Idaho. A number of airlines, including British Airways, have cancelled US flights over concerns that the 5G network being switched on could interfere with altimeters, which tell planes how high in the sky they are and result in pilots and co-pilots having angry conversations

involving phrases like, can you be more specific than quite high up, please? And, yes, Colin, I wish the clouds would go away too. The answer is a minor incursion. What is the question? What happens when Arthur Scoggle kicks down your door? What happens when Arthur Scoggle kicks down your door? Joe Biden describing the massing of troops on the border.

Is it a party on the border of Ukraine? The correct question is how did Joe Biden describe Russia's possible intervention in Ukraine? A minor incursion. How worried are you by this little schmuzzle evolving? I mean, more now. It's always about to start until it starts. I think it's one of those things like we're perpetually five minutes away from doomsday.

So you can't worry about it because until it starts, it's always there. I guess that's true. America has alleged that Russia has already positioned saboteurs in the Ukraine. The Russians have insisted that everything is above board and that those 127,000 troops that are massing near the Ukrainian border are all just on a special trip to admire Ukraine's many beautiful cathedrals. They just can't

help themselves, can they? Sergei Popomov, the Russian military's Ents and Outings chief, admitted, we are planning a raid on the gift shop of St. Sophia's in Kiev. Man, what a cathedral. We just love those cathedrals. So that brings us to the end

of this week's News Quiz and the final scores. Team Big Dog, Alice Fraser has six points and Team Plastic Bag, Chris McCausland, Delisa Shaponda and Hugo Rifkind have one with ten. Hardock, Alice, another defeat for the Southern Hemisphere.

Then Hardock, Alice, another defeat for the Southern Hemisphere. I'm not taking this one personally. Just some breaking news before we go. The latest from the front line of the culture wars. Well, things have taken a bit of a turn with the announcement of culture wartime rationing. From this week, people will be restricted to only one irate Twitter spat per day and three family

fallings out about something being a bit woke per month. So that's it for this week's news quiz. Thanks to our panellists Alice Fraser, Chris McCausland, Deliso Schiponda and Hugo Rifkind. Until next week, stay safe. If you've got any spare pencils or traffic bulletins please send them to the BBC, every little helps.

And above all, please do not invade Ukraine. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hugo Rifkind and Deliso Chaponda. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman. And additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Heidi Reagan, Cameron Locksdale, Stephen Buchanan and Tasha Dunrage. The producer was James Robinson and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.