Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 24th September 2021

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

Andy is joined by journalist Hugo Rifkind and comedians Susie McCabe, Ria Lina and Andrew Maxwell to dismantle and discuss the week's news, including the energy crisis, lack of Co2 and Boris's trip to the US.The script is written by host Andy Zaltzman with additional material by Alice Fraser, Mike Shephard, Rajiv Karia and Esther Manito.It is produced by Sam Michell for BBC Studios.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before we start, a quick warning that this week's news quiz will contain references to Boris Johnson telling other people to grow up. If you do not think you will be able to take in that information without spluttering all over your radio, please cover your radio in a splutter-proof tarpaulin now. Thank you and welcome to the News Quiz. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman,

and don't worry if the news quiz collapses mid-show this week due to the soaring price of jokes, you will be automatically switched to farming today. On my signal, unleash either hell or this week's teams. We're going with this week's teams. Firstly, we have Team Prime Minister Gassing On versus Team Prime Minister The Gas Is Off.

On Team Gas On, we have Rialina and Hugo Rifkin. And on Team Gas Off, it's Andrew Maxwell and Susie McCabe. We are also joined by our live online audience from the solar system's number one ranked planet. Go, Team Earth! Still got it, don't believe the haters. And our first question goes to Team Gas On, to Ria and Hugo.

One and a half million homes in the UK lost what on Wednesday this week? Their phones and had to call them, like my wife does, eight times every day. That's almost certainly true. In fact, it's probably a massive underestimate. I think it's probably more like about 30 million homes. They all lost their guinea pigs. It was a mass exodus.

They just marched out in complaint. We're sick of carrots. How about a little coriander for once? That's also incorrect. Any other suggestions? What did the one and a half million homes lose in the UK on Wednesday? This is about energy suppliers. Correct. I don't really understand

how the whole energy market works. Right. Are you going to elaborate on that or is that just a statement of me floating out there in the ether? I just wanted to speak out on behalf of 62 million people on this island. I know a company, which it turns out they're not companies, they're some sort of mid-level con artists. Such a fine line.

I'm with one that has a wacky name. So far it hasn't gone bust, but it's going to go bust. If you name your energy provider company off the third most successful Groucho brother... LAUGHTER People are blamed. There's a lot of blame being passed around by here. There's a lot of blame game.

Apparently the wind isn't doing its job. Not enough wind going around. Then, as always, a reliable favourite, the French. Somehow this is the French. And here's another one. Nobody expected the French. And here's another one. Nobody expected the autumn. This is where we are. But obviously one of the main ones is it's the Russians.

It's, you know, just when you think they've done nothing, there they are, out there in the snow being despicable. So it's all down to shenanigans around turning on Nord Stream 2, which is a gas pipeline, which the Germans have spent billions of their taxpayers' money buying a much larger barrel for the Russians to bend us over. I think there's got to be a rule of thumb in this country from now on. And this is me just putting it out there to the nation.

See if the Vote Leave campaign said something. Plan for the polar opposite. Because the vote... They said there would be more money for the NHS. There's less money. Food would be cheaper. We have no food. That's very cheap, isn't it?

Yeah. It's kind of ironic, isn't it, that there's not enough wind now. We don't have wind. Boris is saying we have to make substantial changes for climate and the rest of it, and now there's not enough wind. It's strange. We need extreme weather events to basically help stop our reliance on fossil fuels.

Just like this massive circle of, what do we want? Andrew said it's a perfect storm, but it isn't, there's no wind. Hugo, should we be concerned about our dependence on Russia for our energy? Bearing in mind this is a country that not so long ago killed 30 million of its own people just to keep a lid on experimental poetry. I mean, we should, but we're supposed to be weaning ourselves off gas anyway, aren't we, right? You know, we've been saying for years we've got to burn less gas, and now there's this sort of terrible crisis because we're going to be forced to burn less gas and you might think

the government would be saying insulate get heat pumps let's take advantage of this using less gas but instead they're saying no we'll subsidize the gas keep burning lots and lots and lots of gas and it's um like no one knows where their gas comes from these days you said what is it one in however many people kind of you know have lost their gas company how do they know who their gas company is they used to know it was British Gas or Scottish Power. Actually, my poor name. Hugo, this is the BBC. You're not supposed to promote your other projects.

Now, as Andrew says, they're all called things like Uvavu and Bongo and Zip. And you never know what your bill is, because one month they send you a bill that says you're 600 quid in credit, and the next month you get a bill that says you owe them three grand, and no one knows why. And they've all spent the last five years promising to keep gas prices so low that they now can't afford to supply it,

and they can't put the prices up because the government won't let them because of the fuel caps, and we can't run everything price up because the government won't let them because of the fuel caps. And we can't run everything on electricity instead because we make our electricity out of gas, which is kind of confusing. And it's not just that Russia isn't selling it to us. It's that Russia is selling it to China because China uses our gas to run all its power, to make all its things, to sell to us that we're not going to be able to use because we haven't got any power. So I'm deeply confused. I think what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to build new power stations

that just burn things like iPhones and flat-screen TVs instead of gas, and then we'll have enough power to run the new ones that we're buying and everything will be OK. That sounded like someone was so impressed with that idea they've already called it in somewhere. And, you know, of course, we've always been pioneers of alternative energies in this country.

We were the first nation in the world to use Catholics as a fuel. In fact, Britain was entirely powered by burning Catholics for almost 200 years until the government... I think they switched to witch power, which would have worked if they switched to witch power, but it would have worked if they stuck to their promise to plant a new witch for every witch they burnt, but they didn't and the dream died.

And don't worry, that joke is fine because I'm Jewish so it's okay. I think the reason why Catholics burn better than witches is because they're already full of the flammable fuel that is whiskey. Do you think we have too much choice in all these companies? Because, I mean, how do you choose which type of electricity? I guess it comes down to whether you like your electricity to really fly out the plugs

and get right into your light bulbs. No messing around. Or if you prefer a more languid style of electricity that takes its time, but gets it right, gives you more elegant boil quality from your kettle. I'm personally I like to use British electricity because it's a good hard-working box-to-box electricity that maybe can't do some of the fancy powering jobs that some of your

overseas electricity can, but at least you know it's going to get stuck in and give you 110%. Are there just too many of these companies? Not anymore! By the rate of it sounds like we're re-nationalising by accident. And in fact,

by accident was one of the companies that has just gone bust this week. Yes, the UK is facing a growing energy crisis as gas prices surge due to various factors, including a lack of wind, Vladimir Putin limiting the gas supply from Russia, and fire being 3% less hot since Brexit. Gas prices have been rocketing up like a gurning billionaire,

and a number of energy supplies have collapsed. It turns out that a market with dozens and dozens of suppliers who can't ride out the first bout of trouble isn't a great idea, proving once again how free markets are not always the sharpest lemon in the fruit bowl. The business secretary, Kwasi Kwarteng, said that it could be a very difficult winter, and the energy shortage might mean that many people lower down the

economic ladder won't be able to heat their homes this winter, which on the plus side is a further sign of our long overdue return to the glorious Britain of old. Do you really think we'd have conquered the world if it was already warm here? On a related issue, and this can go to both teams, why

is carbon dioxide like Piers Morgan being mildly disagreed with on Good Morning Britain? Does it flounce off at the first sign of trouble? Essentially, that's close enough. It's running out very fast. So I'll give you two points there. Are you carbon dioxide fans?

Well, yeah. It's a tricky one, isn't it? Because we all want to live on a habitable planet, but at the same time, you want a bit of fizz in your gin and tonic. I don't understand how we can simultaneously produce carbon dioxide to the point where we can't reduce it to stop it harming the planet, but not produce it enough to make lager.

Britain will never be closer to a revolution than if we cannot get lager or fizzy juice. That will end this country. There have already been stories, Susie, as I'm sure you're aware, in Scotland of bootleggers home-fizzing their own contraband iron brew for a distribution on the black market. One of the other things this week is apparently a major

use of, there's the NHS needs CO2, the nuclear industry, fizzy drinks, they all need them, and the other one that's just been said all week is that we need CO2 to stun animals. I don't understand what's the difference between that and slaughtering them, but if we've run it out of CO2

and we can no longer stun the chickens and pigs, perhaps we can take a leaf out of the high-fashion industry and just wow them. industry and just wow them. We'll just get all the turkeys that Bernard Matthews somehow can't stun to death, put them in a really long red carpet through East Anglia and just

really show them how we can work it. The question is, you know, what happens if they aren't stunned? Is there a risk that they might actually win the fight? Is that what's going on? We'll still have meat on the shelves, but if you look really closely at the label, it says abattoir worker. Like what? May contain George.

contain George. You know, they're actually trialling a new technique, because they don't have enough CO2, of reading the animals, the Labour Party conference agenda, to them instead. It's working way better than expected. The animals aren't just stunned by it, they're actively slaughtering themselves now

to avoid listening to it. Yes, the British food industry is facing the price of carbon dioxide going up by 400%, part of a government deal with an American company to restart production in the UK. The shortage of CO2 is a concern because it's such a terrifically versatile gas, it can play anywhere, really. It's not just used to keep plants happy and healthy, it's also used for abattoiring your animals,

for the embublement of soft drinks, and for making dry ice for when rock stars take to the stage so they can cover up their feet in case they've forgotten to put their socks on. Sorry for giving away the secrets. And, of course, it's also used for cooling nuclear reactors down so they don't explode. Can we sort this out now, please?

In further problems for the food supply chain, the head of the National Farmers Union, Minette Batsman... Sorry, Minette Batters. We've got to get it right these days. I mean, it's not a big deal. We just have to get it right. Minette Batters warned the Prime Minister that the food and farming sector is on a knife edge. Batters expressed concern that people may start panic buying

in the run-up to Christmas, and that, with global supplies of panic running dangerously low after the last couple of years, people may even soon be panic-panicking as they try to get their panicking in before reserves run out and the dull thug of global resignation sets in. The score is two to Team Gas On, three to Team Gas Off. And before we move on to the next round, a quick multiple-choice question for both teams.

In last weekend's Russian election, a party in effect led by which de facto leader won a parliamentary majority in an election tainted by claims of fraud? Was it A, Vladimir Putin? Anyone want to buzz in? Anyone want to buzz in? He only got 50%. That's disappointing, isn't it?

Which in a democracy is an absolute landslide. But in an autocracy where you hold all the levers of power and you're bent as an iron-bob note and you're a nasty little murderer, to still only get 50% is like, you're a loser, Vladimir. After all that rigging of the election, you still only managed to get as much as a coin toss.

Do you remember when Mugabe got 98% in that election? Ah, but he had led the country so well. Yes, it is Vladimir Putin and his United Russia party. And just hearing as well the first results from the 2026 Russian election. Moscow Central is a United Russia hold. Impressively fast count there, watch and learn Sunderland.

Moving on now, this question goes to Team Gassoff, to Andrew and Susie. Which great scientist and philosopher did Boris Johnson quote in his efforts to make the world take global warming more seriously this week? Boris Johnson told the entire planet and humanity it needed to grow up. Which is true.

If we are actually to deal with the climate crisis, we all have to take a far more longer-reaching and mature view about how we deal with our planet and the future of humanity. But coming from him, being told to grow up by Boris Johnson is like being told to tone down your makeup by a clown.

This Boris Johnson is now telling the whole world that it has to live in a scientific reality in the same week when he tried to bring back a defunct system of weights and measurements. Let me be entirely clear here, right? going on in the world. A pandemic, a climate crisis, many countries in the third world slipping back into autocracy, other countries on the verge of famine. If what you care about is imperial measurement,

you're not the full shillin'. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Madness. He quoted Kermit the Frog, didn't he? Correct, Susie, yes. Two points. He did quote Kermit the Frog. Our Prime Minister stood in front of the United Nations

and quoted Kermit the Frog, saying, it's not easy to be green. It's his own personal I have a dream moment, surely. If I was addressing the United Nations, I don't think my default position would be Jim Henson's Muppets. Not when I could go to the cabinet table and get the same reaction from everyone else that I work with. I mean, I think his speech writer took a holiday or something

because he said the four areas that needed tackling in his speech were coal, cars, cash and trees. You couldn't come up with one more C? Come on, even conifers. Like, go conifers at least. Just keep it in there. Rio, you're so right. He should have gone with cows.

Coals, cars, cash and cows. There we go. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. There we go. Deforestation, cows. Bloody idiot. You know what?

The more I hear about this Johnson character, I'm starting to think he's not the man for the job. Yes, Boris Johnson, in a speech to the United Nations, quoted Kermit Thelonious Frog. Did you know that the in Kermit the Frog was short for Thelonious? You didn't know that, did you? He also told the world to grow up, which is a little bit rich coming from him. I mean, when I say a little bit rich, it's got a 400-foot yacht moored in Monte Carlo filled with clotted

cream and foie gras rich. The United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres told the General Assembly, I'm here to sound the alarm, which is a foolish thing to say, because what do humans do when the alarm goes off? We whack the snooze button, and then we whack it again, and then we unplug the alarm clock, then we bury the alarm clock under the patio, and then we blow up the patio just to make sure. Right, it's five to Team Gas Off, two to Team Gas On.

Another question from Johnson's trip to America. Johnson said this week that there was every chance of it happening, but not right now. What was he talking about? Acknowledging his children. We did kind of confirm it's six, didn't we, this week? It's the closest he's... Did he?

Yeah. Did he? Well, it's not. It's seven, didn't he, this week? It's the closest he's... Did he? Yeah. Did he? Well, it's not. It's seven. So there you go. So there's still one of them out there. It could be any one of us. It could be any one.

But this is... Yeah, so, you know, after all that, do you remember there was a thing called Brexit? And there was one of the big things about Brexit was that the UK could walk away from being an active and very senior member of the world's largest trading bloc, aka the EU, because it could always swan off into the rest of the world.

Number one, it would get a trade deal out of its best mate, America. Boris Johnson has gone over this week and the President of America said, nah, you're all right. But weirdly, to make it not awkward, you know, that America's gone, nah, you're all right. I'll tell you what, why don't you try and get in at the second tier and try and join with Canada and Mexico?

So in the space of five years, the UK has gone from being one of the four big beasts of the EU to being sort of like a boozy cold Mexico. The problem we have in trying to do a trade deal with America is, I mean, it's complicated. So you've got to be something of an economist to understand this, but we don't have anything they want

is what it comes down to. So you go over there, if you're Boris Johnson, and you're like, buy our stuff. And they're like, no, which stuff? And he's like, oh, God, I don't know, like, I don't know, bicycles? Some kinds of cheese? I don't know. And then he's like, no, no, I remember we sell services. That's right, we've got lawyers and banks.

And America's like, yeah, we've got lawyers and banks. And we say, ah, but are your lawyers and banks deeply integrated into the markets of the European Union? And they say, no, and neither are yours anymore. Then we say, bugger. And that's that, really. Then the Americans say, by the way, how's Ireland doing? You looking after it okay for us? And that's when Boris leaves. I was like, oh, crap. Yes, the trade deal with America is looking increasingly unlikely. I do hope you're sitting by the phone, licked and signed. You are back in the frame. Of course, the relationship between the UK and the US

has had its ups and downs pretty much ever since the famous what are you putting your tea leaves in there for? It's nowhere near boiling and it's too salty. And are you sure this is a party? It doesn't feel like a party. Ever heard of balloons, guys? Lighten up. Incident in Boston in 1773. With a full trade deal with the USA looking not quite as much of an open goal

as would be ideal in these Brexit-tacious times, thoughts have turned to the possibility of joining a North American trade group involving the USA, Mexico and Canada. But unfortunately there is a major stumbling block in negotiating the acronym because musk-yuck cucks up and there's nothing ideal, really.

But other post-Brexit trade deals are near completion, including the Paraguay-UK-Ethiopia deal. That's coming back up. The Ecuador-Ukraine-Rwanda-Guyana-Honduras-Yemen-UK deal, which is the ugh, yuck group. And, of course, possibly the deal that all Brexit fans have been waiting for,

the Suriname, UK, Kyrgyzstan, Indonesia, Thailand, Uganda, Pakistan, Russia, Eritrea, Madagascar, Oman, Argentina, Nauru, Romania and Senegal deal, or suck it up Ramonas. Or suck it up, Ramonas. Right, at the end of that round, the scores are four to Team Gas On and six to Team Gas Off. Moving on, this can go to Hugo and Ria on Team Gas On. What did Labour leader Keir Starmer do this week in an attempt to woo voters?

Take their vote away. There's a number of answers to this. It just reeks of corruption, doesn't it? I mean, isn't this pretty much what Putin did to win the election himself in Russia, is change the rules so that he could win again? If Keir succeeds in copying Putin, it's going to be the most socialist

thing he's ever done. You know, I've just got visions of Starmer. You know in one of those kind of brainstorming rooms and they've got the whiteboard and they're putting up post-it notes and they're like, right lads, highest overseas death rate from COVID in Europe. We're running out of gas,

we're running out of NHS staff because of Brexit that they insisted in bringing in. Right, anything else going on? We're running out of food. Right, what do you think the big issue is? I think we need to focus on how the next Labour leader is going to be elected as the next Labour leader in the party. It's the Labour conference, like, what, this weekend?

It's coming up. The weird thing about the Labour conference is it's exactly like all the other conferences, because at the Conservative conference, the real enemy is Labour because they want to defeat them. And at the Lib Dem conference, the real enemy is Labour because they want to replace them. And at the Labour Party conference, the real enemy is Labour

because everybody in Labour also seems to hate at least half of everybody else in Labour. It's just the most horrendous thing every year because everyone there hates each other. And the whole thing Keir Starmer needs to do is just somehow survive it. That's a win. It's like Robb Stark every year because everyone there hates each other. And the whole thing Keir Starmer needs to do is just somehow survive it. That's a win. It's like Robb Stark going to the Red Wedding.

It's like if you come out the other side, it's a win, but no one really expects you to. Amazing. What Keir Starmer's done is he's got his finger on the pulse of what people love. He's seen that all the kids are into TikTok and all the grannies are still on Facebook. So he's gone, hello, I'm going to write an essay.

All right. Generally true. He's penned a tract because there's nothing that our fast-paced, no-attention-span-having society we live in now love more than a political tract. Talking about people that aren't going to the conference. The new leader of the Unite Trade Union, Sharon

Graham's not going, right? And she said, it's all good. It's got nothing to do with Keir Starmer. In fact, I had a meeting with him and it was very cordial. Now, calling a meeting cordial in a country renowned for being drinkers is a hell of a burn.

What was it like? Well, it was like drinking Ribena. The more I look at Keir Starmer, the more I just think he should be in a Marks & Spencer's window with a nice bit of knitwear on. Is that Karl Marks & Spencer or just a regular Marks & Spencer? Yeah, this is Keir Starmer. We'll go further ammunition to the Starmer sceptics

who say that he's out of touch with ordinary people by publishing a 12,000-word treatise rather than a tweet consisting of three emojis, a Union Jack, a happy face and an aubergine. The Road Ahead is a 35-page essay, but it's not the kind of essay most of us can relate to from our years of education. I think we'd all have had a lot more respect for Starmer

if this week's papers were full of photos of him desperately hacking something, vaguely approximating a conclusion together at 6.30am after an all-nighter hopped up on Mars Bar's Monster Munch and Lucas Aid, just like Boris Johnson would do. But I think we all know Starmer finished his essay three weeks ago and asked for notes, which is why he will never be Prime Minister. With the Labour conference beginning this weekend,

Starmer is currently looking highly unlikely to win a general election, but despite this, the Labour left have yet to fully embrace him as one of their own. Well, that brings us towards the end of this week's News Quiz. Before we go, we should tell you that Ofcom this week published an updated list of terms that some people may find offensive, as a result of which this week's News Quiz did not include the words gammon, rob,

considerate to everybody, the prince denies everything and horticultural. That concludes this week's news quiz. The final scores are Team Gas On have 10 and Team Gas Off are this week's winners with 12. So well done to Andrew Maxwell and Susie McCabe. Commiserations to the defeated Hugo Rifkin and Ria Lina.

Don't forget to send your 12,000-word essay on why you want to be Prime Minister to the BBC by return of post. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Andrew Maxwell, Hugo Rifkind, Rialina and Susie McKay. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman. And additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Mike Sheppard, Esther Monito and Rajiv Kharia.

The producer was Sam Michel and it was a BBC Studios production.