Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 25th February 2022

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Recorded at the BBC Radio Theatre, this week Andy Zaltzman is joined by Angela Barnes, Ian Smith, Desiree Burch and Geoff Norcott to discuss Putin's invasion of Ukraine and the reaction at home and abroad. The team also look at the end of COVID restrictions in England, Johnson's questionnaire from the Met, and Trump's new social media venture.Hosted by Andy Zaltzman Chairs script by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material from Alice Fraser, Suchandrika Chakrabarti, Sean Stoakes and Cameron Loxdale. Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxThe Producer is Gwyn Rhys Davies, and it is a BBC Studios Production.

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to listen to Friday Night Comedy first. It's easy. Once you're there, you'll find even more podcasts available on Sounds before anywhere else. Live BBC Radio and exclusive music mixes. Just search for Friday Night Comedy, subscribe, and if you want, we'll send you a notification every time a new episode is ready. Told you it was easy. Now, let's get back to the podcast. Welcome to the News Quiz. If you are hearing this, you are not Vladimir Putin.

As part of the British sanctions package against Putin, this week's News Quiz is being played at a pitch that Putins cannot hear. See how he likes that. That is the toughest sanction yet unleashed. Welcome to this week's News Quiz. Welcome to this week's News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman, and, well, it has been... I will admit, this does not feel like a laugh-out-loud news week. At the very best, comedy of awkwardness, involving a frankly embarrassing leader.

Now, I'm not blaming Ricky Gervais for the Ukraine situation. I'm not that abundantly clear, but you can draw your own conclusions. Our panellists this week are Angela Barnes, Desiree Birch, Geoff Norcott and Ian Smith. And for the first time on the News Quiz this week, we are going to let the panellists choose which team they're on. the news quiz this week, we are going to let the panellists choose which team they're on. Our two teams

are Team Putin or Team Put Out. Putin or Anti-Putin. Angela? I'm going to go Put Out just because I'm a girl from Kent. Ian? Yeah, Put Out. Okay, that is now on the record. Desiree?

I'm on Team Extraordinarily Put Out. Jeff, that is now on the record. Desiree? I'm on team extraordinarily put out. Jeff, are you for or against Putin? It's tricky, isn't it? I'm aware I'm usually here for balance. And you know, the BBC, they've got to have a range of voices

and opinions, but you know, I just feel that he's taken a bit. So on balance, probably team put out. So we have all four on one side. This is the kind of effort we have to put in as a world to isolate Vladimir Putin. We've got to hit him with our biggest weapon, humour. Right, we are on to round one.

There's only one place to start this week. Who, after a very curious rambling speech that didn't make a lot of sense, had everyone wondering about his next move? I think we need to acknowledge something here, Andy. Usually on the news quiz, right, you have a journalist on to add a sense of gravitas and, you know, legitimacy to when we're talking about serious news.

This is quite a week to have not done that. Four stand-up comedians who until recently thought the Minsk protocol was Elon Musk's latest child. And I just think, say what you like about Vladimir Putin. Actually, don't. He's very clear about that.

His rambling speech was quite interesting. It's very difficult to say why is Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine, because the speech doesn't really help. Because there's no indication really that most Russians want the invasion of Ukraine. You know, it's a sort of improv

jazz music of invasions, this one, because only the people performing it actually want it. Well, it's a good answer, but it's incorrect. The correct answer was the Tottenham Hotspur manager, Antonio Conte. Andy, this is sport. Oh, great sport.

How may I serve you? I am not relevant right now, Andy. What? What are you... There are more important things. No! So can you please focus on the news? OK, right, let's try this show again.

So, Andrew, you turned to comedy after a successful career in international diplomacy. So I'll give you this question, and there's no right answer to this. Right. What on earth is Vladimir Putin doing and why? Yes. Right. Is the answer.

I don't know if it was a yes or no. It's not like this has just come out of nowhere. You know, the things he's got away with to this point, you know, Litvinenko for a start, when that happened, the Russian agents came to London and we did hardly anything. The things he's got away with to this point, you know, Litvinenko for a start, when that happened, the Russian agents came to London and we did hardly anything. I mean, they came to London and ruined a cup of tea. What?

Ultimate provocation. And the sanctions so far have been so weak because it's basically what the West have done so far is like what a parent does with a toddler. And they've started that count now, going, no, I'm going to count to ten, Vladimir, and now we're on about nine and seven eighths so are you suggesting the next lot of sanctions could be forcing him to eat broccoli i think so i mean andrew's right every time he's dipped his toe in the water of macho expansionism we've gone come on in it's absolutely fine but it seems now so obvious, doesn't it?

You know, you look at in 2014, there wasn't really reaction. You've got a president in the US. I mean, he doesn't want a Cold War. At his age, he doesn't want any kind of cold, does he? I think part of the problem is, isn't it, that there's long games been played by Russia, by the investments that they've made here, financial and otherwise, to make it very difficult for the West to react in a way that they want.

Boris Johnson is basically now the headmaster. He's got this kid he really wants to expel, but he can't because his parents paid for the music block. It's good that during this we've got a prime minister with, like, the most Russian-sounding first name. He's got, like, the most Russian-sounding first name and the most English-sounding surname. It would be like the most Russian sounding first name and the most English sounding surname. It would be like if

Putin was called Kevin Vodka. It seemed less scary I think as well. Or somehow even more scary. I'm just coming to understand exactly what sanctions do and in this case they really are kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face and we're kind of

cutting off slivers of nose. It's like the sort of Michael Jackson strategy. I don't know if it's going to work out. Well didn't Putin actually say that he wanted to denazify Ukraine which just felt like a guy, like he's totally of the time that is what you do when

you want to win a tricky argument you accuse the other lot of being nazis he's just got i mean that is classic twitter 101 we're going to denazify ukraine um i think it is it is terrifying really so it was so obvious i had no point to make there. The news has been changing a lot, all right? I mean, sanctions, at the end of the day, they just don't sound very intimidating, do they? It wouldn't sound as good if Churchill was going, we will sanction them on the beaches and in the banks and in the clearing systems

and in most of West London and some luxury car dealerships. But also, I mean, they've spent so long building up Fortress Russia, and you're talking about oligarchs with so much money that by sanctioning them now, they could probably sit it out for quite a long time. You know, it's like barring somebody from the pub, but they've got 8,000 bottles of wine in their cellar. They're going to be all right.

I mean, Boris is where he talked a good game, didn't he? He was like, we're going to hit them with a barrage, we're going to hit them with... There was probably some Latin in there. I thought, yeah, let's do it, Boris. And then he went, so there's these three blokes, right? And I'm like, what?

How are we going to start with that? Would you just look at the collective mistakes of the West? I mean, you look at the Germans, 50% of their gas coming from Russia. I was worried about octopus energy going under. Is it time to give Johnson and the Conservatives a little bit of credit? Because in terms of the sanctions that we have now,

attacking these high net worth individuals, if we hadn't baked so much Russian influence so deeply into our politics and our economy, we wouldn't have a car to play now, would we? Is it time we give them a bit of credit? I mean, is Boris Johnson not like super excited about this? You know, because like nobody's thinking about what we've been talking about for months and months and months, right? He's the happiest man alive. He's like standing in front of number 10 with binders full of sanctions,

like, oh, we're going to do this. And then he walks back into his house and he's just dancing and singing and having drinks with 200 of his co-workers. He's going to blast with this. He's definitely high-fived Prince Andrew at some point. I think as well, because a lot of the focus is on Boris Johnson, we sometimes forget that Liz Truss is the Foreign Secretary as well. It's like she was angrier in the speech she did about importing cheese. Then she has been about the invasion.

You can't set your bar at, like, fury about cheese and not go over it with Russian invasion. You have to have a consistency. Can we not get a Foreign Secretary out of retirement, please? Just go, hey, get warmed up, son, you're on. Because you'd feel a lot more secure, wouldn't you, if he was just going Benghazi and just saying those words that make us...

I'd want to know how he pronounces some of those places. So in terms of sanctions and measures against Russia, what are you all prepared to do individually? Because we live in an atomiser, so we can't rely on the state for everything, can we? It's about time we all took individual responsibility. Well, I'd be prepared to give up the Russian dolls that I won on Richard Osmond's House of Games.

I'll give those up straight away. In solidarity, I will no longer nest similar-looking things inside of other things that look like them. That means you're not allowed to get pregnant. other things that look like them. That means you're not allowed to get pregnant. I'm going to stop taking... Well, I have stopped taking performance-enhancing drugs. All right.

So... That's a powerful message you're sending in. Yeah, well, that's why this is probably going to be my least funny appearance on the news quiz. Desiree, a question for you now about the American response. Joe Biden said the what's of the entire world with Ukraine. Well, I think and hope that he said the prayers of the entire world. But we all know that Joe Biden does have the gift of the gaff.

So he could have said, I hope the prairies or the pralines or the prawns. He could have tripped over five stairs in the middle of doing it. Like anything could have happened. But I do think that he did the old classic American thoughts and prayers. As you guys well know, in America, thoughts and prayers are usually what we say after mass shootings or other horrific situations, which we have no capacity to cope with. We just say thoughts and prayers a lot. And in fact, prayers are one of the few things that actually are still manufactured in America. We use them for, you know, doing things like stopping abortions and making sure people don't teach evolution or critical race theory in schools. They're quite effective and get two for 15 bucks. And I assume that everybody has seen

Joe Biden, you know, like the other day when he was doing those sanctions and he was like, oh, these banks and this and that. And, you know, who in the Lord does Putin think he is and all this other stuff. And like the whole time, all of us are looking at him just squinting like the tiniest little eyes. And I was like, why is he squinting? I was like, oh, he cannot put on glasses at this point because that will telegraph to everyone that he's like too old. And you're just like, oh, if he puts on glasses, you may as well put on a cardigan, hand someone a Werther's original hard candy,

or a grandpa, and you can't lead. I felt really bad for him in that moment. I was like, please just make it through this and finish all the words. I believe in you, Joe. You can do it.

Correct. Yeah, well, it was... Just praise. Not thoughts and not... Not thoughts and prayers. Not thoughts and prayers, just prayers. Keep the thoughts up here, which is where they should go. Well, I guess it's past the time for thinking. Has anyone thought of doing thoughts and prayers in advance of terrible things happening?

No, we're too busy thoughts and prayers-ing about the last terrible thing that happened. The latest scientific estimates suggest that prayers are less than 80% effective in pushing back a Russian military advance. Slightly more effective than satirical comedy radio panel shows, but still not great. In terms of the international reaction,

following Putin's peacekeeping incursion, as he called it, into Ukrainian territory, what could now be cancelled, Ian? Yes, Germany, they've kind of postponed Nord Stream 2. It's like HS2 in the way that it's quite controversial

and it's of no use to the north of England. Yeah, they might postpone that, which might increase gas prices everywhere, which is of no concern to us because that was happening anyway. But there was a German Christian Democratic

Union leader, Frederick Mertz, who called Putin a warmonger with no inhibitions, which is the worst type of warmonger. Obviously, you want a warmonger who's too shy to do karaoke. I was reading about what our biggest imports are from Russia, and one of our biggest is oars and slag, which is not what I thought it was.

I thought, oh, we're fine for that, we don't need to import it. Yes, this is the not entirely happy news that Russia has launched a full invasion of Ukraine. I'm sure many of you, like me, woke up with the same two questions on Thursday morning. Question one, what on earth are you doing, you silly little man? And question two, why, oh, why did they end the Winter Olympics? Because we knew Putin was not going to spoil Xi Jinping's little personal party.

They could have easily dragged it on. But that cross-country skiing, if they'd just made it properly cross-country and the country had been Russia... The West, for years, has relied on the hope that Putin is a pragmatist bastard, but not a flagrant lunatic. Well, it turns out he can multitask. I mean, rather stronger messages from outside the political community. Cardi B, the

American rapper, has issued a call for peace. Good for her. I mean, people listen to her. Well, exactly. And rather more eloquently worded than some of the calls for peace from politicians, but Russian rap star KGB has responded to that. With an album of songs glorifying the Soviet Union.

They all sound like rappers, don't they? MI6 sounds like a grime artist. MI6 featuring CID. Incidentally, Cardi B took her performance name... Anyone know? It's from Cardigan Bay in Wales. Marks those sweeping sandy beaches. UEFA has announced that the Champions League final will be

moved from St Petersburg, and when a major international sporting organisation thinks you have gone beyond the pale, you need to take a long, hard bath with yourself. Some people have suggested that Putin's actions are intended to distract from domestic difficulties. Jeez, that must have been one hell of a lockdown party. We're talking Caligula level debauchery here. But my great concern with Putin is what he's like as a

boss. Because you saw those meetings and that strange table and the way he dealt with members of his cabinet. I've been reading management guru stuff recently, as you can probably tell. I'm really starting to think that Vladimir Putin is creating a toxic work environment. And in this day and age, that is completely unacceptable. At the end of that round, the scores.

Team Putin, nought. Team Put Out, ten. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, by the way, podcast listener, yes, you, we're making some changes to where you find this podcast. From next month, you can hear the Friday Night Comedy podcast 28 days before anyone else in the entire universe for free on BBC Sounds. So download the BBC Sounds app,

search for Friday Night Comedy and subscribe. Moving on to round two two and listen to this i'm going to answer that one it's good for taking our minds off other problems that is one point to me this applies as much to governments and prime ministers as it does to us ordinary people angela this question can go to you what according, according to an investigation by the Times, can you buy for £250,000 these days? No, this is, you can buy a position on an advisory board, which is a board that the Times have sort of uncovered of super wealthy people that have these meetings where they're granted access to Boris Johnson and the government

via Ben Elliott, who is Prince Charles's nephew. And one of the members of this advisory board is a banker and the wife of Putin's former deputy finance minister, which I can't see a problem with that. Presumably now that the sanctions are in place, when she does attend those meetings, she's getting the rich teas instead of the hobnobs, I guess. You know, I mean, I will say this is disgusting

because they said secret advisory board. Now we all know about it. I think it's time issue refunds. Let's get this on Watchdog, you know. Just get it all out in the open, do you know what I mean? Just say, like, right, you have your bronze, silver and gold. It's like the car wash, you know. Or you could do the platinum.

Instead of washing the car, you're just washing rubles. I can't remember the exact figures, but there were billionaires amongst this advisory group and they only charged them 250 grand. Surely it's rich. Yeah. Well, it's got to be means-tested, hasn't it? Surely.

Because it's just rich people. They're always campaigning for, like, lower taxes and more influence. I'd like to see a billionaire who goes in there and campaigns for, like, fixing potholes in Middlesbrough. I don't think that's how you get to be a billionaire. Well, I mean, if you want to become a billionaire, doing radio comedy's probably the obvious first step. I mean, what you do at the Rishi Sunak way

is by just marrying a billionaire, right? That must have been a good day for him, mustn't it? I got excited when I met my husband and he had his own one of those Scrabble turntables. I thought I was the jackpot, but yeah. I guess it's worth doing a shout out to any listeners. Any single billionaires. Yes, the Times have reported that

the advisory board consists of 12 very wealthy Conservative donors and they allege they're given privileged access to the Prime Minister, Ministers and Advisors at the top of government, as well as a free pen, a sports bag and a commemorative mascot, Chucky the Cuckoo. You get preferential treatment when requesting tracks for the Downing Street DJ to play at all the parties that never happen anyway, of course.

And you think, I mean, it's quite a bargain. Just £250,000, that's less than the average house price in the UK now. So if young people today stopped complaining about being disenfranchised, started saving up, quit eating their avocados and buying skinny armadillo milk lattes and paying for private one-on-one suerobex sessions at their local gym, they too could afford to buy themselves clandestine high-level political influence with a side order of a total lack of transparency and accountability.

Sorry, I forgot to take off my what would Kirsty Orsop say wristband. Moving on, Boris Johnson became the first Prime Minister to be what this week? He's probably interviewed under caution, right? That is the correct answer. He's engaged a lawyer, and I can't help but think it's got to be one of those lawyers. You know the ones that get footballers off speeding fines

by saying that they took a shit on the hard shoulder, right? I think if he does get issued a fine, I think he's possibly the last person in the world to pay it within the 14-day discounted period. Something tells me he's not going to be across his admin. Now, you also said, like, part of the caution process or the interview process is do you have a reasonable excuse? The point about excuses is that they're not reasonable.

Well, I assumed when they said that he had gotten a lawyer, I was like, oh oh he probably went to school with him it's probably the guy who wrote all of his papers while he was at Oxford or something you know what I mean like he just gets him to do all those things but I feel like he lives at number 10 so he could pull off the excuse of like oh I thought I was being robbed I heard a ruckus downstairs I went down with the pan and then everyone was like surprise and it wasn't my birthday but it or wait one of them was his birthday yeah Angela Rayner said that this is an embarrassment for the prime minister but I feel like everyone's forgetting that he got stuck on a zipline waving

some flags he's unembarrassable it's yes Johnson had to respond to a police questionnaire about the alleged Downing Street possibly possibly Covid rule-busting, possibly parties, depending on whether or not you define a party by whether or not there's a bouncy castle and a clown. Foreign Minister James Cleverley said last week that it is not the right time to have a vacuum at the centre of government. LAUGHTER A vacuum cleaner, maybe to tidy up the crumbs?

Moving on now, at the end of round two, the scores are 15 to Team Put Out, 0 to Team Putin. This question can go to Geoff. Listen to this. It's over! And that is why it's such a shame that Roy Orbison never made it as a cricket umpire. Roy, sadly, no longer with us. But if Roy Orbison was singing that this week,

what would that song be about? Well, it's freedom, isn't it? Freedom from COVID. And I should go, you know, cards on the table. I am very positive about this. You're not positive, right? I'm very... LAUGHTER

I just think, you know, by all the metrics, I think if not now, when? But the problem is I should also stress that I'm not... Because the way I look, I have had the vaccines before the Radio 4 people stare at me, you know. Despite looking like somebody who'd be ideologically opposed to them. Do you know what I mean? I had the Pfizer. Because I'm very patriotic,

but if I want something done properly, I will go German. I'm not an idiot. Do you know what I mean? But it was weird, cos I think, like a lot of people, it's been one of those binary things where you had to either go, oh, I think the vaccine's great, or you were kind of outside Scotland Yard jostling politicians. But when I had the booster, actually, I was on my way out, and they said to me, oh, you've had your your booster do you mind um there's a local news crew they just want to film you

coming out looking happy about it I said well look we don't know how this is gonna go you know I'm sure it'll be fine but if it does all go tits up I don't want to eventually be the poster boy for the vaccine idiots of 2021 you know future history teachers pausing it on my face with my thumbs up going yeah see that, see that, geezer? Six weeks later, he had an arm grown out of his back. Listen to President Rogan. But, yeah, freedom. It should be stressed as well that we're talking as though

this is the whole of the UK. This is England. I don't know what's happening in Scotland, but I suspect it'll be the same thing two weeks later and with different words. And Mark Drayford, he'll just think that it's all crazy. But in the end, he probably thinks using

McDonald's Wi-Fi is reckless. Yeah, he did say ending free COVID testing in England was reckless. The free COVID test will end on April the 1st. It's quite a shrewd move politically, isn't it? To make a policy that comes into effect on April 1st because you're an easy way of rowing back on it.

Are you excited about the end of Covid restrictions? Yeah, I suppose so. It's quite worrying, though, that I guess... Whenever you read about it, there'll be things saying, like, yeah, key Conservatives are very happy that we're ending restrictions, scientists and medics are quite concerned. And you think, ah, I'm leaning towards trusting the old scientists. Yeah.

I guess that... But I am pleased it's ending. I'm not pleased that we're having to pay for tests now, but it's good that they're incorporating it in boots as part of the meal deal. You've got to sub something out, so it'll be like sandwich, Covid test,

drink, and you miss out on your crisps, but it's, you know, it's a, quavers are a Covid test, really.

If you can taste them, you're all right. But I just think maybe what we actually need, rather than this sort of 60-page living with Covid document that was produced, I think maybe what we actually need is rather than this sort of 60-page living with Covid document that was produced, I think maybe what we actually need is a living with Boris strategy.

All Covid restrictions in England have ended this week. Boris Johnson said, we are exiting the grimmest years in our peacetime. And excitingly, we can now enter some of the brightest years of our new wartime. Keir Starmer said, at the end of free testing, it's like being 2-1 up with ten minutes left and subbing your best defender,

proving without doubt that he listens to the news quiz after Ellis James' call for more sporting analogies in politics. But it's not really like being 2-1 up and subbing off your best defender. It's like being 2-1 up with ten minutes left and marching up the steps of Wembley to collect the trophy. Forest Hunters encourage people now to take personal responsibility. I could put a joke in there, but

it barely seems worth it. At the end of that round, Team Putin has nought and Team Put Out has eighteen. We are crushing. Crushing Putin. Moving on to our final round. Donald Trump launched a new social media platform this week

called Truth Social. Oh, my God. It sounds like an event at a Christian camp. It's like you have the Truth Social, tomorrow it's the chastity barn dance. The site was advertised as being free from discrimination of political ideology. Like, they knew that they couldn't just end it with free from discrimination because a lot of people that want to join would read that and go, no.

Oh, thank you for all of that. Also, they bungled the launch of it. So they have this, like, soft launch now is what they're calling it. So they have 500 beta testers, right? But only 317 are following Donald Trump. So that means like 183 people are like, oh no, that guy's crazy. I'm just here for information on chemtrails and flat earth. Yes, and what we can only hope is his final onslaughts in his battle against language having any meaning whatsoever. Donald Trump has launched a new Twitter rival called Truth Social.

Its launch was beset by technical glitches. The tweet equivalents are going to be called Truths and retweets are going to be called Retruths. It just shows that language is what you want it to be. When your dog squats in the park and you proudly announce to everyone, Herbert is making a unicorn! That brings us to the end of this week's

news quiz and the final scores. Team Putin have no points and team Putout have 34. 34! Unfortunately, those points have now been frozen after Ian thought about smearing some mayonnaise on some potatoes and trying to pass it off as a salad. Unacceptably Russian.

Just breaking news, the latest sanction has been announced by the UK. There will be no corner kicks for Chelsea for the next two Premier. Thank you to our panellists, Angela Barnes, Ian Smith, Desiree Birch and Geoff Norcott. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Angela Barnes, Geoff Norcott, Ian Smith and Desiree Birch. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Sir Chandra Kachakrabarty, Sean Stokes and Cameron Loxdale.

The producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you. with a small coffee all day long. Tax is extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.