Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 4th February 2022

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Elis James, Ola Labib, Zoe Lyons and Ed Balls to give an un-redacted update on the week’s news.The panel look at Partygate and Johnson's precarious position in No.10, find out what the Levelling Up whitepaper can teach us about the birth of civilisation, and discover how little we know about trees.Hosted by Andy Zaltzman Chairs script by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material from Alice Fraser, Benjamin Partridge, Ray Badran and Tasha Dhanraj Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxThe Producer is Gwyn Rhys Davies, and it is a BBC Studios Production.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. I regret to say, this show does not actually go out live. If you don't believe me, here's a copy of yesterday's newspaper. By the time this show is broadcast, the news has often changed. This week, for example, by the time you listen to this, there might have been further leaks about the Downing Street parties.

We might have found out that the Prime Minister did absolutely nothing wrong, legally or morally. We might, by contrast, be digesting the news that rhinoceroses are technically fish. We might have been invaded by snooker-playing aliens who've installed Steve Davis as emperor of all the Britons.

All equally plausible scenarios we just don't know, so do please forgive us if events have eventuated in the interim as you listen to this week's News Quiz. Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltz. Let me just have a bit of a last-minute change to the show. We were going to do the opening section as a missing words round, but we only have 28 minutes,

and there are way too many missing words. I didn't think a missing pages round would work so well, or indeed a missing vast tracks of evidence and any detail whatsoever round, so we'll just tweak it as we go. Let's meet this week's teams. Now we have Team 12 Big Missions against Team 12 Pages with Very Big Omissions.

On Team Missions, it's Zoe Lyons and Ed Balls. On Team Missions, it's Zoe Lyons and Ed Balls. And on Team Omissions, it's Ola Labib and Ellis James. And our first question can go to both teams. Who turned up to school with an unfinished essay and then claimed that the Metropolitan Police's dog ate their homework? Well, this is the Sue Gray report, isn't it? Correct, Zoe, well done.

Things happening at Number 10. And it was a bit flimsy, to say the least. It was lacking a sort of beginning and a middle and end. A big finding of the sort of flimsy pamphlet that was released was that there was a lack of leadership or judgment in number 10, and I don't think that came as... That was not a big reveal for anybody, is it? That was a manifesto pledge, wasn't it?

Yeah. Lack of judgment and leadership in a prime minister is a bit like having a darts player with no hand-to-eye coordination. People around them are going to get hurt eventually. Boris has taken on board Sue Gray's report and has said that changes will be made at number 10 as a result of this, and I can only imagine he means that they'll get a bigger fridge so that somebody doesn't have to go out with a suitcase in the future.

It was only after I heard about the suitcase going to the local supermarket that I realised why suitcases have their capacity measured in litres. I didn't realise up until that point. Ed, as somebody familiar with the world of Number 10, did the reports show a world with which you were at all familiar from your time in the Labour government? Well, I was there during the Blair Brown years, which were years where there was rather more social distancing

than partying going on between the two main principals. We actually used to have a party once a year in Downing Street at Christmas when Gordon was Chancellor. And I always dressed up as Father Christmas and we sang songs and we had drinks and we had a secret Santa. The problem was that every year somebody got a book signed by Gordon Brown, which always rather ruined the surprise. And it actually all goes back to a bit of disaster in the early 90s. Gordon did a book called Values and Voices, a collection of Labour speeches from the last hundred years.

And on the day it was to be published, very sadly, Howard Wilson died. And he suddenly discovered he'd forgotten to include Howard Wilson in the collection. So they couldn't publish it. So he ended up with thousands and thousands of these books. I would think for poor Rishi Sunak, if he needs to clear some space, there'll be loads of books in there somewhere. Olaf, what for you were the highlights of what was in the Sue Gray report or indeed what was not in the Sue Gray report? Do you know what?

I stopped watching EastEnders and reruns of Love Island because what's happening in 10 Downing Street is 10 million times more entertaining. You've got the parties, you've got the drama, and from what I've heard, you've got the nudity as well. Was that what was in those 300 photographs? No wonder they broke the swing. Ellis, I know that you've long harboured ambitions

to be Prime Minister. Yeah. Are you disappointed that Boris Johnson has not cleared the way for you to run for office? Well, it's just, you know, for Boris Johnson to clear the way, 54 of his MPs would have to write a letter to say they've got no confidence in him. Can you imagine that in any other workplace,

where 54 of your colleagues have to go, I'm not sure about this guy, actually. I don't know about him. I worked in a cafe, and one bloke, he made a hot chocolate in the microwave once and he was out. He was out of the door. Boris's supporters have started saying stuff like, oh, well, you know, we all broke the rules, didn't we? Now, A, I completely dispute that. I don't know anyone who broke the rules during the first lockdown because we were all terrified that's the thing I remember my daughter

dragging her hand on the railings outside school doing our hours allotted exercise and thinking oh my god we're all going to die and the Tory party they were always the party of law and order that's just short sharp shock the idea they're like oh they've never been the chill out it's just a party party they were always the party of law and order. You know, Thatcher's short, sharp shock.

The idea, they're like, oh, you know, they've never been the chill-out-it's-just-a-party party. You know, after the Euro 2020 final, no leading Tories were like, oh, we've all stuck a flare up our bum for crying out loud. Rhys Mogg does it every Christmas. I think it's worse because people are making up, you know, there was that false report, and they are so delusional to what's going on

that some things that were completely made up, they were like, oh, did I do that? Why did I do that? It must have been nerve-wracking, though, waiting for the report to come out, because I know what that feels like, waiting for a report on a party, because I get it if I've been out on the lash

and then I have to wait for my wife's report the following day. Oh, yeah. 2am was it, so I get a full breakdown of events, yeah. Why are your keys in the butter? I don't know. And, you know, for Boris to say, oh, sorry, well, I actually didn't know the rules. He was the one reading them out. My daughter is in year two, OK?

To put that into perspective, she's seven years of age. If you ask her what the time is, she will say, I can only do the o'clocks. So that is how young she is. And she knows the rules. For those of you who have not read the report, the summary I've got of it here is, there's a potty over here, there's a potty over there,

wave your hands in the air, shake your derriere, there it is. That's essentially all she was able to say. There's one thing that the British people don't like and it can be summed up in a phrase and the phrase is, don't know about that,

it's taken the piss of it, isn't it? And I think I could be a political adviser for anyone and you could be writing policy and at the end I could be the, is that taking the piss sort of consultant? Too many people thought that the EU were taking the piss a little bit. Like Fred Goodwin, when he had his £16 million pension settlement during the financial crisis, people thought that was taking the piss a little bit. Like Fred Goodwin, when he had his £16 million pension settlement during the financial crisis, people thought that was taking a piss. And Boris Johnson has been taking the piss,

which is why everyone across the board is furious with him. Right. Ed, you've worked with Sue Gray. Can you tell us a bit about what she's like as a person, as a civil servant? Well, I think the first thing to say about Sue Gray is that she's very skilled and very principled. And actually, I think her report was very powerful, given the circumstances she was in. The Prime Minister said in December, there were no parties. And she said there were 16 parties, 12 of which are being investigated by the Metropolitan Police. So that's a pretty powerful finding for her to put in the public domain. It's normally her job not to do investigations,

but to stop things happening. When I was in the government, she's the one who would say, no, you can't appoint that person as farming minister because they're a vegan. It's a bit odd, isn't it, Ed, that this report found a lack of leadership and yet it seems to have sort of shored up Boris Johnson's position. Hang on a second. The last 24 hours he's lost his head of policy

and his head of communications, who both resigned. He's going to have to have even more leaving parties next week than he was expecting before. You know, if I was Dylan the dog, I'd be putting my CV in because I think there's going to be quite a lot of vacancies. This moves on to our next question. It's a multiple-choice question. What discredited conspiracy theory did Boris Johnson spout

in the House of Commons this week? Was it, A, that the moon landings were faked, and, furthermore, that Laika landings were faked and furthermore that Laika the Soviet space pooch was actually Yuri Gagarin in a dog outfit? Was it B, the conspiracy theory that John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Elvis Presley, who'd

recently been deliberately released from a Chinese biological weapons laboratory? Was it C, the theory that the CIA bumped off King Harold from the grassy knoll at the Battle of Hastings? Was it... Was it... Was it... Was it... Was it... It was E, wasn't it?

It was E. Mind you, I think he'd have tried any of those just as was he, wasn't it? It was he. Mind you, I think he'd have tried any of those just as a distraction, wouldn't he? At this point, with the British public, he's just like a photographer trying to take a baby's picture with a rattle like that. Look over here! So, yes, indeed, getting back to old News Quiz basics,

we have started this week with a cutting, or at least something that has been subject to a lot of cutting, the Sue Gray report. You can fill in your own gaps from our summary of the Sue Gray report. Boris Johnson, the... ..whom the people of Britain have come to deeply... ..is still Prime Minister, which is frankly a... ..that is increasingly hard to...

Johnson, a man best known for his surprising.....is still supported by all the... ..in the Conservative Party, although an increasing number of people in the country now consider him to be a total and utter... ..Johnson remains unwilling to..... total and utter... Johnson remains unwilling to... Despite... And... And that was as politically balanced as you want it to be.

If you think that was biased, that is your own mind playing tricks on you. Sue Gray's report clocked in at a whopping 12 pages, some of which had nothing on them. Essentially, following the intervention of the Metropolitan Police, there were nine pages of splodged-out, redacted, despecificated, forcibly dissembled generalities, reading between the lines of which is a simple message.

Look upon our works, ye voters, and despair. And it's been a tough week also for all parents in the United Kingdom trying to explain to their children why it's important to abide by the law and do the right thing, and being met with a firm, watch the news, Luddite, I'm off to steal a penguin from the zoo. Johnson's policy chief, Manira Mirza, resigned over Johnson's claim in Prime Minister's Questions that Keir Starmer was personally responsible for Jimmy Savile evading justice,

which she described as a, quote, scurrilous accusation, which is polite talk for outright lie in Parliament. And we've learned that accountability and the ministerial code are essentially like a nuclear deterrent. It's nice to know they're there in theory, but of course we know they'll never actually get used.

Boris Johnson is fighting on the Muhammad Ali of our times. Float like a whale corpse, sting like a lemon, deliberately squeezed into your own eye. Conservative MP Mark Jenkinson downplayed any potential wrongdoing in the 12 gatherings now under full police investigation by arguing on television that breaching Covid rules

is equivalent to parking on a double yellow line. Well, not the way that car was parked in Downing Street, because that is parking on a double yellow line after you personally have painted the double yellow line, you've then clamped a baby in a pram when its mum and dad stopped to feed a pigeon near the double yellow line, you've then parked stopped to feed a pigeon near the double yellow line. You've then parked your unlicensed vehicle

on the double yellow line. You've opened your car door and allowed a load of nails to spill across the road, causing a massive pile-up, resulting in hundreds of casualties. In which case, yes, I guess it was a bit like a parking offence. At the end of round one one it's three points all um there has been uh well other resignations

this week the first minister of northern ireland paul given has stepped down and um this is quite an interesting thing politically because not only has he stepped down but he's forced others to step down with him can you explain exactly what's gone on with this? It's quite unusual in the Northern Ireland constitution that if the First Minister steps down, then the Deputy has to step down as well. His partner, who's called Michelle O'Neill, she's a Sinn Féin Deputy First Minister. I think this is the only place I know where if you lose your job, your partner has to lose your job, where if you lose your job, your partner has to lose your job other than Strictly Come Dancing. I was just sort of thinking, though, in Westminster,

maybe it's quite a good rule, you know, maybe we should persuade Dominic Raab to do the decent thing. Thankfully, I think Dominic Raab doesn't even know he's Deputy Prime Minister, so... I interviewed him this week on Good Morning Britain and he came out with this stunning line, I don't know what I don't know. Which was incontrovertibly true.

These resignations are all related to the Northern Ireland Protocol and the aftermath of Brexit. I read it and I wasn't really sure why this... Because I didn't know what the protocol was and I was reading and I was like, why is it such a big deal? And then I got to the bottom where there was a highlight saying there was going to be restriction on chilled sausages and I was like, oh, that's why they're making a big deal out of it.

If I was British, I'd have exactly the same issues. I'd be furious! The DUP is going through leaders, though, isn't it? I mean, was it Poots? Was it Poots? He's Russia, I think. He's Russia. A bit over-familiar. A bit over-familiar, as I was saying.

Vladimir loves it when I call him Poot-Pill. The thing with Northern Irish politics, you know, I'm not an expert in Northern Irish politics, I would never pretend to be, but if you're ever, like, bored or desensitised by Westminster politics, I feel a little bit like a drug dealer in a sort of, yeah, you're a bit bored by that.

Mate, you want to check out Northern Irish politics. That is the good stuff. Moving on to round two now. A bit of a literary theme to this. Some of the following quotes come from recently published history books. Some come from the government's levelling up white paper on how to regenerate the less advanced areas of the UK over the rest of this decade.

You just have to tell me, is this from a history book or the levelling up white paper? So the first one can go to Team Emissions, to Ola and Ellis. The earliest known permanent settlement to be classified as urban was Jericho around 10,000 years ago. Is that history book or white paper? So can I just make sure of something before Ola and I answer this? Yes.

This is the paper that's been written by Michael Gove or white paper. So can I just make sure of something before all and I answer this? Yes. This is the paper that's been written by Michael Gove on how to tackle inequality in Britain in 2022. Yes, that's right. I'm going to say levelling up. Correct, yes, that is correct. That is from the levelling up. This one can go now to Team Missions, to Zoe and Ed. The strategic importance of London's location

was first recognised by the Romans, with the town of Londinium established around AD 47-50. That's definitely white paper. Correct! They're all from the white paper. This is quite a big document. Yeah. And by discussing Jericho, white paper. This is quite a big document. Yep. And by discussing Jericho,

it is the greatest bit of document padding since I've failed my mock A-levels in 1999. I mean, the people of the north of England are having to endure train carriages that were originally buses.

I don't really think they give two hoots about Constantinople. Are we any clearer now, do you think, on exactly what levelling up is? Well, I mean, there's got to be no more money, is there? It's all rhetoric, isn't it? Because there's no more funds to support this levelling up. So basically it's a levelling out. That's what it is. Unless what we do is, as Ed mentioned before, Gordon Brown's

unused books, we could just prop up the north of England. So they outline 12 levelling up missions, the kind of modern day labours of Hercules. Only if you'd chuck these labours at Hercules, Hercules might well have responded, hang on, shouldn't you lot have been doing this

for the 30 of the last 43 years that you've been in power? It does seem to be essentially a withering attack on the Conservatives by the Conservatives. It's like a band admitting, yes, our last six albums have all been rubbish, but don't worry, we're going to put it

right with a new album of cover versions of our songs from the last six albums. There was a piece in the Guardian this week about manifesting, which is basically willing your goals to happen so hard that they do happen. Is this essentially what this levelling up white paper is? Do you know what? I watched the interview with Gov.

Gov? Give? Give? Gov? It's definitely not give. It's saying give and nothing. But every time he was asked the question, oh, where's the money come from, he'd completely steer away.

I lived in the north for five years. I lived in Wigan. It needs levelling up. The one FA Cup win wasn't enough. As a country, we have been failing to tackle this problem of regional inequality for not just the last two years or the last ten years, but for the last hundred years. So this is not new.

Back in the early 2000s, there was a Yorkshire Forward report on the transformation of the Yorkshire economy in which they proposed that Rotherham should reinvent itself as a Tuscan hill town. Totally true. I remember reading it at the time and thinking, have they been to Tuscany? And more importantly, have they ever been to Rotherham? So, you know, nothing's new in politics, Andy. Yes, indeed, the long

awaited levelling up white paper has finally been released after what we can only assume was a last minute intervention by the Metropolitan Police. Details about how it's all going to be paid for and carried out were missing from the published document, but Michael Gove said it would shift both money and power into the hands of working people.

The 12 pledges are set to be set in stone, metaphorically. Don't do that. We tried that. We tried that. Much like the gifts in the song The 12 Days of Christmas, things start getting a little bit weird after about number six. The missions, should the government genuinely accept them, include reducing murder. I think we're all on board with it. That is reaching across the political divide.

You might be wondering whether in 330 pages, as well as shafts of insight such as, as social animals, humans have always congregated in groups, which might be read as one of the bolder defences for the Downing Street parties. It might be read as one of the bolder defences for the Downing Street parties. You might have wondered why there's no space for examining how to make the massive wealth generated in the UK function more efficiently for the good of all,

or how we might harness the trillions of bonus money that has been magicked into the economy by house price growth over the past 20 years. But there you go. At least we know that by 1900, all 20 of the US's largest cities were on major waterways. Let's cling to that.

Let's cling to that knowledge. At the end of that round, the scores are 6 points to Team Mission, 5 points to Team Omissions. I've totally lost track of which team we are. Are we winning or losing? You're winning, Ed. It might be a sensation you're less familiar with

than you used to be. You're talking to the winner of the BBC Celebrity Best Home Cook 2021. What are you talking about? Sorry about my mistake. Goodness me. Right, our next question can go to Team Omissions to Ola and Ellis, since they are losing.

Amidst all the talk of levelling up, what is genuinely going up several levels? Oh, I know this one. Gas bills. Correct, yes. I bet everybody that's donated clothes and like to throw away, I bet they're all like fishing through the clothes bin to get them out because they're going to have to wear all those layers.

With energy bills going up, people will be paying, on average, I think it's an extra £693 a year. That's up 54%. So I thought, I crunched numbers. I thought, right, OK, I am one metre 70 centimetres tall. So if I became taller by 54%, I would be 8 foot 7. I play football every Tuesday. I would finally be the aerial threat I've always promised myself that I can be. They're just such fast figures. Number 10 have a great plan of cutting down

on their energy bills to stay warm next winter. They'll just be setting fire to a police report that comes to inform themselves on that. They've got loads of Gordon Brown books they need to burn anyway. As a sort of political issue, Ed, how critical is cost of living in terms of how threatened do you think the Conservatives will be feeling?

I think it's a really big deal. That's why Rishi Sunak's had to come out with this new plan to give everybody a £200 rebate on their bills. But slightly oddly, he's decided to go and wonger about it and say we've then got to pay it back for the next three years afterwards. It's kind of like give with one hand

and send the bailiffs round with the other. Yes, the cost of energy is going up very fast, as indeed is the cost of essentially existing. In totally unrelated news, Shell, the energy giant, have announced their highest quarterly profits in eight years. In summary, human beings have become very weird

over the last few thousand years. So, at the end of that round, Team Missions, Zoe and Ed, have nine. Ola and Ellis on Team Omissions have seven, if I can just pick two numbers out of thin air. Moving on to our final round now. According to a new report, there are approximately 9,200 undiscovered watts. Downing Street parties. Downing Street parties.

Episodes of Horms Under the Hammer. It's close. It's tree species. Correct. Undiscovered species of tree. Just imagine the diversity of trees. That's going to cause TV so much nightmares. I could just imagine a scene like from

Hollyoaks and they're like, oh, oh, wait, wait, too many oaks in the background, we need some palm trees in here. Like when it comes to species of tree, I think I could only name about five anyway. Oak, Dutch elm,

elm, fern and Christmas. And the magic money tree that the money's going to come and light it up. Yes, 9,200 undiscovered species of tree to go with the 73,000 known tree species on Earth, which, I mean, that is already way too many. Doesn't it make you proud to be a mammal, not a tree? I mean, 82,000 species

and not a single one of them can jump. And finally, what is happening much earlier than it used to in the United Kingdom? That sense of impending doom. Oh, it's flowers, isn't it? Correct.

Spring, basically. Blooms and stuff. Thank you, David Attenborough. You're welcome. Plants are blooming a lot earlier and they're calling it ecological mismatch, which sounds like half the Tinder dates I've been on. Um, I'm not saying it's not important,

flowers blooming a month early, but if you do need to convince people of the dangers of climate change, you know, lead with floods, is what I would say. I said it, didn't I would say. I said it indeed. Plants flowering almost a month earlier than average. And that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz. And our winners are Zoe and Ed with 11 points. Ahead of the 11, also scored by Ola and Ellis.

You've been levelled up, but still there are winners. Thank you to our panellists. Three of you can go. Ellis, however, to mark the introduction of a longer school day in Wales, you have to stay behind for extra questions. I've been Andy Zoltson. Thank you for listening. Ellis, your bonus extra round is on Welsh football. Here we go.

Born in 1929... Ivor Orchard. Correct. Who scored... John Charles. Correct. Who hit the... Paul Bourdain.

Paul Bourdain. Correct. Which... Never Southall. Never Southall. Correct. How many... 14 caps, 11 goals.

Correct. When... 1907. Correct. In 1899... Taking part in the news quiz were Zoe Lyons, Ellis James, Ola Labib and Ed Balls. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman,

and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Benjamin Partridge, Ray Bedran and Tasha Dunraj. The producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies, and it was a BBC Studios production. Yes, it was. That's the Vetchfield. Correct. And what was the...

It was an FA Cup third round game against Arsenal. LAUGHTER