Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 7th January 2022

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

Andy Zaltzman and the News Quiz return to satirise the weeks news from the UK and beyond.This week Andy is joined by Alice Fraser, Chris McCausland, Katie Perrior and Ahir Shah. They look at the smallprint on Keir Starmer's 'contract with Britain', rate Boris Johnson's new look, and discuss Novak Djokovic's double fault.Chair's Script: Written by Andy Zaltzman Additional Material: Written by Simon Alcock, Nathan D'Arcy Roberts, Alice Fraser, Rajiv Karia and Hannah Platt Production Coordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc Willcox Producer: Gwyn Rhys DaviesA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Good evening, everyone, and Happy New Year! Oh, the series is only three words old. We've already had three mistakes. Right, happy? OK, let's try slightly tetchy and cautiously

not as pessimistic as previously. There we go. New Year. Okay. Unnecessary and derivative sequel. Year. How could year be wrong? Amorphous time sludge in this never-endingly Covidius decade.

There we go. Yes, you're away. Welcome to the News Quiz. Oh, be quiet. It's kind of a quiz. Welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman. It's 2022, a year that seems destined to be remembered as the year of the incarcerated tennis player. It is always risky to judge years on the first week, as 2020 would no doubt testify.

The year that probably won't have a massive global health crisis, as I naively called it on this day two years ago. Let's meet our teams as we begin the year with a special news quiz, Ashes Special. It's Team England against Team Australia. And representing England, we have Chris McCausland and Arhir Shah, and former

Director of Communications at Number 10 Downing Street, Katie Perrier. And for Australia, Alice Fraser. It's three against one. If you three cannot get a win, there really is no hope for English cricket. Listeners from other parts of the UK

can choose which side they support. Oh, you've chosen... I didn't realise you'd all go for that. Our first question of 2022, and this can go to both teams. Since we were last on air in October, what has happened for the first time since Boris

Johnson became Prime Minister? Has he finally gone a week without impregnating someone? I can't give you a point for that. We're still awaiting confirmation. Right. I think it's like the COVID figures. You've got to wait a while for them to be updated, really.

Is it that it's 2022 now? That's the first time that's happened in a Boris Johnson reign? The thing about the new year, new you, is that the nature of ageing means the new you is always an older you. Any other suggestions? Is it that he's behind in the polls for the first time, Andy? That is correct, Chris. England take an early lead. I think it's for the first time Kia Starmer is ahead in the polls.

He's isolating for the sixth time, I believe. And I think maybe that's just what we want in a prime minister. We're not really interested in policies. We just want one that will stay home and not cause any problems, I think, maybe. No parties or anything like that. That's what we need, no parties. Yeah, just vote the fella in who's going to stay at home the most.

That's all. I find this deeply worrying as a comedian because I'll have to figure out what's funny about Keir Starmer, a man who looks like the CEO of a budget airline. How can he hope to run the country when he can't even run his own immune system, is what I say. I think he's just the only one that hasn't turned off his notifications on that track and tracer. So, Katie, two years in, why do you think it's taken Labour so long,

given the chaos that has enveloped the government for such a long time? You've got to remember where they came from, OK? Think about how bad it was under Jeremy Corbyn. They've had a lot of mess to find their way through. I hear they're a bit skint because they're still fighting lots of legal cases from the past and things like that. So they need to get over a lot of that thing. But I think we should be awarded 10 extra points

if anyone can name the front bench, because that's half the problem. A lot of the front bench team for Labour are still unrecognisable. Do we actually get those 10 points? Because I'll give it a good old go. The only reason that I put myself forward for this is that I'm a member of the Labour Party, but I keep my Labour membership card next to my Waitrose card so I never forget who I really am. You see, I shop in Waitrose, but I always take an Asda bag with me, you see.

I'm not kidding you. I know a politician who goes around in Audi and Lidl, shakes hands with his constituents and then slips off to do his food shopping in Marks and Spencer's every week. That's what politics is all about. Keir Starmer said, I don't think Boris Johnson is a bad man, but very sadly didn't follow it up by saying,

I think he's a quite extraordinary bear. Chris, how do you think Starmer's doing, compared with previous Labour leaders, is there anything that you think he could learn from them? Do you know what? It wasn't until reading about his speech that I was made aware of a campaign slogan from 15 years ago, Gordon Brown, I didn't know this,

his little slogan was to try and own his blandness, and it was not Flash, just Gordon, right? This completely passed me by at the time. First of all, I think it's wonderful because it perfectly straddles the fence of being absolute genius but also cheesy and awful. I think Keir Starmer could do

with something like that, to be honest. It seems that he does at least phonetically share his name with a popular car manufacturer. Maybe he could take a leaf out of their book and we could have something like, built with supreme performance and reliability, combined with low running costs, economical and ecological,

discover a world of smart convenience with the fully electric Kia Starmer. Now available only in beige. You mentioned the speech. He gave a speech in Birmingham this week laying out his vision for Britain. What has he vowed to restore if Labour wins the next general election? Anyone? So, weirdly, the Habsburg Empire.

Correct. Oh, yes. Two more points for England. The Colston statue. Oh, yes. Two more points for England. The Colston statue. An old Windows 95 backup. That might be just what Labour needs, actually.

95 is about where they need to get to. Andy, it's trust, right? What he said is he said the British people do not like being taken for granted. They do not like being taken for fools, but they do like being taken for a spin in the new Keir Starmer, available with 0% APR over four years. I just feel every time Keir Starmer makes a speech, it's a risk. I don't think he got a 16 point lead by telling the public what he believes. He got there by Boris Johnson being. that's the end of the sentence. Starler's speeches are always quite fascinating because they all essentially boil down to him

standing in front of a lectern and saying, I came here to sound serious and test positive for coronavirus. And I've just sounded serious. I hate to be pedantic, but he stands behind the lectern, otherwise it would look a bit silly. We've heard some fairly out-there conspiracy theories in the last couple of years. Are you suggesting that people who sound serious are more likely to contract coronavirus? My wife and daughter have got it at the moment,

and I've literally had them coughing at me for a week and I still haven't managed to get it. That's how serious I am. I should point out also that the saying that laughter is the best medicine is not scientifically proven. If you are listening to the news quiz for medical reasons, we cannot be held responsible. Andy, please don't tell my parents that.

That's the only way they're comfortable with me not being a doctor. Katie is a PR specialist. What advice would you give for Keir Starmer at this stage of the electoral cycle, two years in? I think Alice has clearly got a job in PR because her advice around saying not very much is definitely the way forward. You know, give them enough rope, they'll hang themselves,

that kind of strategy. You know, people like me can go and put our feet up, really. You're just destroying your own industry now, Kate. No, sometimes less is more. And, you know, you don't want to give too much away. And also, if you promise too much, then your opposition work out what your kind of attack lines are or what your offer will be, and then they nick it anyway.

So you're better off just staying quiet for a while. That's amazing. I've never heard the end of that give them enough rope saying. People just say give them enough rope and then leave the sentence hanging. I always assumed it was give them enough rope and they'll do amazing arts and crafts. Keir Starmer's played in this speech, he played the patriotism card. I mean, it's

quite hard to define what patriotism is. I mean, is there a definition that we can have now? Because it seems to vary wildly from party to party, person to person. I think it's quantifiable by the number of flags, Andy. Right. One flag wasn't enough. They've obviously had a meeting about this.

They've decided three was too many. They've gone for two. I think they've gone for the Weetabix approach with flags. You know, same with Weetabix. One's never enough. But halfway through your third one, you're thinking, I probably should have just had two. I've wasted a Weetabix here. I mean, if that is the singular of Weetabix.

I mean, now we're getting to the real crux of the issues the British people face. No, I think that's just the crux of the issue, actually. He's gone with two flags. I mean, the thing that annoys me the most, if I'm honest, is when people refer to it as the Union flag. And I know that technically it is the Union flag, but we've all been collectively as a nation wrong about it for so long

that we just want to call it the Union Jack. Chris, interestingly, being wrong about something for so long that we might as well just go to call it the Union Jack. Chris, interestingly, being wrong about something for so long that we might as well just go along with it is exactly why Boris Johnson is Prime Minister. But don't you think it's weird to have a Union Jack at home? So there's so many ministers and others that have been broadcasting from home, and all of a sudden they must wheel out a load of flags

from outside of the cupboard, just wheeling them out, do their broadcast. Wouldn't it be weird to come home from school and say, what's your mum doing and what's your dad doing? Oh, he's broadcasting live to the nation with 50 flags behind him. It's just all a bit strange. I don't get it. Stop trying to destroy the flag manufacturing industry. It's the only growth sector in the country at the moment. Moving on across the political divide,

Boris Johnson has had a haircut. Describe it and interpret it. And this can go firstly to Team Australia, to Alice. OK, I'm going to describe it. It's a new haircut, but it's not a new hairstyle. It's just the same hair, but less of it. It's like an acoustic hair but less of it. It's still you know, it's like an acoustic version of the same haircut.

They said that this was to project an air of professionalism and stuff. It's just so distressing that that's how the electorate is viewed, that we're effectively the mum of a teenage boy going, see, there was a handsome boy under all that. I just feel like Boris is never going to win

by pivoting to professionalism. In a head-to-head battle with the question, who is the most professional, he would lose to a monkey whose shtick is stealing people's hats, one of those nylon tube creatures that flaps around outside used car showrooms, his own bum with a pair of glasses drawn on. That's Jacob Rees-Mogg.

I think, though, this kind of New Year's resolution, if it is, with the haircut, the new tie, he did a whole episode without one kind of bumbling... Who noticed the new tie? Or did he do a press release? A coronavirus press briefing, 5pm, behind the lectern, this time, not like Starmer. I know what you're thinking, and yes, it's a new tie.

And now on to Chris with the slides of the various knots. Katie, in terms of Boris Johnson at this stage of the cycle, two years in, is a new, slightly less shambolic haircut going to be enough to turn his fortunes around? I hate to break it to you, but it ain't new. Because when I worked for him in 2008, when he ran for Mayor of London, I did exactly the same thing. Because what would happen is loads of photographers would go to Amy Winehouse's house first to picture her coming in about 3am. They'd

go for some bacon sarnies and then they'd rock up outside Boris, who only lived one or two roads away afterwards, for him to emerge out of his house looking like Wurzel Gummidge. I mean, have you seen what he wears to go running in the morning? It's disgusting. And so I had to con him into a makeover. We got his hair cut, we got him a new suit, got him new shoes because they had massive holes in. He's the kind of guy that would stop himself on a bike by dragging his shoes down the road until there's nothing left on the bottom.

Anyway, he got voted best-dressed man in London on my watch. Thank you very much. Wow. That might be the greatest single achievement in British history. It's almost like letting young men be brought up by, like, institutional systems instead of their own parents is a terrible historical atrocity that's been perpetrated on the ruling classes of your fine nation.

Who knew, right? I like the idea of giving Boris Johnson a makeover because it suggests that he could be fixed with an episode of Queer Eye. I really like the notion that the country wouldn't be in the mess that it's currently in if, like, Antony just taught him how to make a carbonara or something. I like to think that the Queen did the haircut,

you know, in that weekly meeting they have. He walks in, she sits him down in front of the mirror, asks him if he's got any holidays planned. Going anywhere nice this year, you want to tell us who's going to pay for it? Moving on within the Conservative Party, another question for both teams. Why are the knives out for Liz Truss, as well as the forks,

the dessert spoons, the soup spoons, the side plates, the salad bowls, the champagne goblets, the assorted glassware, seafood napkins, napkin rings, lobster picking thingies, and those little individually wrapped packs of butter? She's on manoeuvres, isn't she? It does seem that way. Yeah, and it seems that she's being briefed

against now, because people are leaking details of an expensive lunch that she had with some trade diplomats. Yeah, it was an expensive lunch. The bill was £1,400 for 10 people, 140 ahead. And I know it's a lot, but I don't think that you can thrash out a trade deal in Nando's. Negotiations had to be halted while they joined in

happy birthday for Sharon on the next table. It was the lies, really, wasn't it, that made the story? The fact that she kind of covered it up, that that was all that was available, because, you know, when I won a table last minute, my first kind of thought is exclusive Mayfair venues. Although, to be fair to her, if you ate once in a Downing Street canteen, you'd realise why. Yes, so this is the start of the year in UK politics with Labour flying, if not high, then relatively unlow in the polls. Keir Starmer started the year with a speech in

Birmingham, setting out Labour's contract with Britain. There were three key pledges, security, prosperity and respect. Three words, incidentally, not on Boris Johnson's Tinder profile. Starmer then tested positive for Covid for the second time and is now in his sixth period of isolation, which is about average for a Labour leader coming up to two years in the job. period of isolation, which is about average for a Labour leader coming up to two years in the job. Labour's strategy has essentially been to sit back and allow the scientific equation Johnson plus time equals total chaos to take effect, something that's worked in every single

other job he's ever had. There is a fight over exactly what patriotism is. Following Starmer's speech, interpretations range from a desire to create a better fairer country, to naming everything you can possibly find after the Queen while simultaneously cutting back public services to a barely functional minimum, to smashing up Wembley Stadium, to strangely intense feelings of nostalgia about

Blue Peter, to a willingness to eat eels, to punching someone in the face for suggesting that Michelangelo was better at painting than Tony Hart. It means different things to different people. And at the end of that round, it's England 6, Australia 0. This is more like it. Well, we'll let Australia have first crack at our next question.

What's invisible but green? It's gas, right? It's gas. Correct. It's green gas. I know some gas is actually green because I've seen it in Batman, but in this instance, this is redefining gas as a green energy. Correct. Yeah, I like that.

If a goal is difficult to meet, just redefine the terms. This is the European Commission's proposed labelling some gas and nuclear power as green. Also announced that it's the thought that counts. They said about the nuclear power plants, if they've got stringent waste disposal methods. I think the rule should be, if you need stringent waste disposal methods,

otherwise everyone in a 100-mile radius will die. It could be greener, couldn't it? Also in the environment, this can go to Team England, what thing has Denmark pledged to remove from something that you probably didn't realise Denmark had by the end of the decade? So Denmark has it, they're going to remove it, but we didn't know that Denmark has it. Yes.

Is it brown people? I know nothing about Denmark, apart from the fact that they're meant to be the happiest nation on earth. So is it something to do with that? Is it happiness? Are they removing happiness? Yeah, I mean, you know. Is it Lego from nuclear defence missile system? I think the Danish

have said that they're going to make all of their domestic flights carbon neutral by the end of the decade. They want to continue flying because the Danish Prime Minister has said that to travel is to live and therefore we fly, which is a completely reasonable thing to say,

but it really shows how you can make anything sound sinister if you end it with Mr Bond. To travel is to live and therefore we fly, Mr Bond. I mean, the Prime Minister of Denmark said, wouldn't it be nice if all domestic flights were fossil fuel free by 2030, admitting that the solutions weren't in place to reach that target. So I think it's less a target than it is just sort of a wish. It's basically followed the playbook for the Brexit campaign, right?

You just say things and, you know, you never know when they're going to come true. It's great. Elsewhere in Europe and the environment, can any of you tell me any methods that France is using to do its bit for the environment, or as it's known in France, les surrendings? They're setting fire to fewer cars. Correct, yes.

This is genuinely true. There's like a New Year's Eve tradition of setting fire to fewer cars. Correct. Yes. This is genuinely true. There's like a New Year's Eve tradition of setting fire to cars in France. And this year they only set fire to 874 cars. And that's apparently an improvement because it's normally in four figures easily. And the French authorities were like, being like, well done everyone for setting fire to...

And it's like the least expectant teacher's school report ever. You know, it's like, we're very proud that this year Jean-Pierre committed relatively few arsons. I'm more concerned about the fact that they banned plastics on fruit and vegetables in their supermarkets. But I worry that that will include things that are really useful and informative, like the little stickers on apples.

Like, if they get rid of those, how will I be able to know that it's an apple? They annoy me. I can't see them, and often you can't feel them. And the first time I know I've got one is I have to pull it out from between my teeth. Yes, the European Commission has proposed labelling some gas a nuclear power as green nuclear power technically sits in a special environmental

subcategory of Green U, which stands for Green Unless. Dum-dum. Amidst accusations that the EU is greenwashing to an almost Kermit the Frog-ian degree, the Union has hastily denied that it is set to rename petrol as Mother Earth's car milk,

carbon dioxide as sexy organic oxygen, and fracking as earth-twerking. Of course, when it comes to the environment, different countries are at different stages of moving to green energy. Germany, for example, gets over 40% of its energy from renewables. By contrast, the UK national grid is still highly dependent on burning huge quantities of Prince Andrew's personal correspondence dating back to 2001.

In France, meanwhile, a ban on using plastic packaging on many fruit and vegetables came into force last weekend after a compromise was reached whereby it will now become legal to force-feed grain to cucumbers to make them extra tasty. It's been reported that 874 cars were set on fire this New Year's Eve in Paris. Many doubt the figures, claiming that some of the cars burnt due to pre-existing conditions.

Year's Eve in Paris, many doubt the figures, claiming that some of the cars burnt due to pre-existing conditions. At the end of that round, the score is now 32 for naught. A fine start. Moving on to... Andrew's got himself a riot in the audience, otherwise known as a New Year's Eve

tradition in France. I've been in Australia for six weeks and I've seen England play well for about 14 minutes. Moving on to our final round. What will no longer be necessary from this coming

weekend? Hope. Correct, yes. The handy football fixture pull-out that you get at the start of the season, that's not in the use anymore, is it? It's pre-departure testing before you go on a flight.

And, of course, if you're leaving from this country, you don't need a pre-departure test to show that you have Covid, because you're leaving from this country, you don't need a pre-departure test to show that you have Covid because you're leaving from this country. So you have Covid. There is a pre-departure test and it's called, are you travelling from the UK? And here in the UK, ministers have been told to plan for 25% of what going missing? Taxpayers' money allocated to Covid contracts.

Correct. It's the workforce, Andy. 25% of people could end up having to self-isolate. And so the rules are changing. It's a 25% workforce reduction. They should speak to Take That about what it was like when Jason Orange left. There's been a big COVID story in Australia involving Novak Djokovic, the tennis player.

His father compared him to Spartacus. But why? This is a multiple choice question. Is it because, A, he performs well in an arena? Why? This is a multiple-choice question. Is it because, A, he performs well in an arena? Is it because, B, he's set to be played by Kirk Douglas in a film about his life? Is it, C, because Spartacus also had hair like a Lego man? Or is it, D, because there's a marble statue of him

in the Louvre with his plonker out? It's a trick question, all of the above. So the Australian government is contending that his medical exemption was dodgy, which I assume means he just scrawled on the back of a Post-it note and then stapled it to $1,000 bills and handed it to Border Force. And it didn't work as well as he hoped it would. But I think it's a great thing that Novak Djokovic is out of the Australian Open.

It means that we'll be able to see some other people win. Finally, we found an opponent for Novak Djokovic, the 20-time major winner and eight-time Ruthless Sports Robot of the Year from Joyless Efficiency magazine. We finally found an opponent who can beat him, and that opponent is paperwork. His father said, Novak is the Spartacus

of the new world, which won't tolerate injustice, colonialism and hypocrisy. No, I'm the Spartacus of the new world, which won't tolerate injustice, colonialism and hypocrisy, Andy. Yes, these are the latest events in the world of Covid, particularly the huge absences from workforces all around the world. And with increased likelihood of Covid-related absences,

the public sector in the UK has been told to prepare for the worst-case scenario. Worst- case scenario? I think the 14th century might want to have a word with us in that particular game of Pandemic Top Trump. When it comes to Jockovic, personally, I don't really fully follow the logic of the anti-vax campaign and vaccine scepticism. To me, that's a bit like someone saying people say that pavements are safe,

but I read about a woman who nearly got hit by a bicycle so therefore i'm going to stand in the middle of the road with my trousers around my ankles screaming at buses and that brings us to the end of this first news quiz of the year and the final result is that eng England have won by an innings and 43 runs. Congratulations to Team England at last on the board. Hard luck to Alice Fraser representing Australia.

Just before we go, the horse racing tips in case you missed them on the Today programme. Point it forward and shout giddy up. That concludes this week's news quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye. Goodbye. was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser Simon Olkoff Hannah Platt Nathan Darcy Roberts

and Rajeev Kharia the producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies and it was a BBC Studios production