Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 8th October 2021

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

Kerry Godliman, Anand Menon, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Ola Labib join host Andy Zaltzman to pore over the week's news. This week, they get their teeth into the Tory party conference, the scrapping of the Universal credit uplift in the week it was announced fuel prices could go up by 30%, Facebook's 6hr lost weekend and the Nobel Prizes.The chair's script is written by Andy Zaltzman, with additional material by Alice Fraser, Heidi Regan, Suchandrika Chakrabarti and Tasha Dhanraj.Producer: Gwyn Rhys Davies Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production.

BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. I am a pig. I was not expecting to be alive for this week's news quiz, but... ..thanks to the government, here I am. Thanks to the government, here I am. Some have criticised the Prime Minister for disrespecting the pig farming industry and misrepresenting a serious issue. However, I will give him credit.

Longer lives for piggies is the most provable and measurable of all Brexit bonuses. He could have been a little more sensitive about the bacon sandwiches thing, of all Brexit bonuses. He could have been a little more sensitive about the bacon sandwiches thing, but hey-ho. Enjoy the news quiz. Andy, over to you. Big fan. Thank you, Sir Percival, and welcome to the news quiz. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman.

Our teams this week, we have Team Discontent against Team No Content. On Team Discontent, we have Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Ola Labib. And on Team No Content, it's Anand Menon and Kerry Godleman. And on Team No Content, it's Anand Menon and Kerry Godderman. And we start with a question for Team No Content for Anand and Kerry, who, depending on what you read, gave a barnstorming, totally empty speech that was compellingly economically illiterate in an embarrassing, vintage, vacuous, brilliant performance

in which he laid out a vivid, ambitious and inspiring vision that was nothing but hot air. Well, quite a few people, to be honest. I imagine it means the Prime Minister. Correct. Who gave a very weird speech, didn't he? I mean, he seems to think that alliteration is the same thing as humour, which was strange.

And actually, I listened to it and read it and have no idea what he said. That's the idea, isn't it? That's how it works. Maybe, yeah. It's like a sort of Tory party gaslighting conference, isn't it? It's bizarre. It's like, there's nothing to see here. Everything's great. And what we're not doing great. It's all part of the plan. Move along. Vote Conservative. Build back better. we're not doing great, it's all part of the plan,

move along, vote Conservative, build back better. You've got to treat it like it's a drinking game. Treat it like Eurovision. That's how I do it, right? Anytime there's something that feels like it's going to be a lie, you have a swig. That is not medically advisable. I'm absolutely hammered. Why do you think I agree to do this?

Ola, how did you enjoy Boris Johnson's oration to the nation? Do you know what? He makes me feel less ashamed of coming from a corrupt third world country, honestly. Honestly, you know, I hear it a lot, go back to where you came from, I will happily hear someone say that to me. So happily.

Let's take a closer look at the new policies that Johnson announced in the speech. And we're done. Alan, was that enough for these troubled times, do you think? Well, clearly not. It didn't actually say anything or announce anything. It was enough for the hall, but for the country, then I fear it slipped sadly short.

He was very positive, wasn't he? I mean, like he said, we've got capitalism to thank for the vaccine. I don't think that he can claim that as a credit. That's like saying photosynthesis, that's why we've got Ant and Dec. I mean, to be fair, he covered his bases, didn't he? Because he said, you should all go back to work. And then he said, I'm introducing broadband so you could all be productive when you're working from home.

Then he said the vaccine was produced by the private sector and it was made by the University of Oxford. So ticked every box, really. I think that he's realising that people are not as fond of him as they were, right? And he wants to go back to the Halcyon days of him being, like, charming on Have I Got News For You. So that sort of non-stop talking, not going anywhere speaking thing,

that is his audition tape to do just a minute. That is my theory. He's completely out of his depth. That's what's kind of really sad. Because he is flailing, isn't he? Because it reminds me, when I was a teenager, I used to have a Saturday job in a hairdresser's, and I was only really supposed to sweep up and do shampoo, and then one week, the boss

said to me, could I be her divorce lawyer? If you were to review Johnson's performance, you'd say he gave a insert your existing opinion of Boris Johnson here performance that set him and the Conservatives on the road to insert what you already thought was going to happen over the next few years here, anywhere. I mean, is anyone going to have their minds changed by these things?

The whole... Politics is just rubbish at the moment. All over. It's not just him, is it? I mean, the Labour Party think they're going to get their voters back by having, you know, show your hand if you've got a cervix competition, which I don't think is going to happen. I mean, the Lib Dems have decided they're going to win votes by disappearing and the Scott Nats have decided that having spent five years moaning about creating trade barriers and borders and how bad those things are,

that's a way to persuade people to vote for Scottish independence. The whole thing's barking mad. He's like the political equivalent. Do you remember that Samsung that just used to burst into flames every time people tried to use it? That's him as a politician. But instead of people being like, we're going to sue you or give us our money back,

they're going, I've always wanted a a scar i think it makes me interesting that was the special limited edition joan of arc memorial phone that one wasn't it in terms of conference season and you know it's watching labor taking on the government sort of like watching a boxer in a fight at the end of every round sits on his stool in the corner smashing himself on the head with a frying pan whereas watching the tories is like watching a boxer enter the arena with a spectacularly choreographed ring walk that never ends and then walking back out of the arena celebrating a fight that hasn't happened. Is there anything we can do to improve conference season for the good of our politics? Well I watched the conference for the first time to be honest I've never ever watched

it when they got onto the panel I was literally waiting for the first time, to be honest. I've never ever watched it. When they got onto the panel, I was literally waiting for the red buzzers. I thought it would be like a massive episode of Britain's Got Talent and I was just waiting for the... But it never came. So I think I can make it a thing. Like, I'm going to pitch it to commissioners. Like, put a judging panel on the conference.

I think that could work. What about the masked politician? I've got a couple of suggestions. They're both quite... The first, from a purely personal point of view, is I wish they'd ban booze, because I wouldn't be feeling like I am today. This is just...

But the second is, I think the Tory conference should watch speeches by the Labour frontbench, and the Labour conference should watch speeches by the Labour front bench. And the Labour conference should watch speeches by the Tory front bench. Because that would be so much more fun. Just imagine. It would just be non-stop excitement and heckling. That's basically my stand-up career, to be honest. Kerry, any ideas about how you'd improve conference season?

Yeah, I think on the last day they all just fight to the death. Right. Oh, my God, the Tory version of Squid Game. Because it wasn't just Johnson giving the speech. Nadine Dorries has been busy this week, the surprise culture secretary. She slammed the BBC. She said she didn't want to start a war with the BBC, but just innocently wondered out loud whether it will

still exist in ten years, but like a mafia boss saying... LAUGHTER That's a very nice public broadcast you've got there, respected and admired around the world. It would be an awful shame if someone were to cut its licence fee, wouldn't it? LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE I think we should listen to her about the It would be an awful shame if someone were to cut its licence fee, wouldn't it? Well, I think we should listen to her about the media. I mean, she ate an ostrich's anus on TV, so the woman knows culture. She was talking about how she went to school and she had no shoes and she had to borrow somebody else's shoes to get to school. And I was like, I don't feel like I'm listening to a politician. I feel like I'm listening to an Oxfam advert. I had to walk 0.2 miles in somebody else's shoes. She made that skit off Monty Python, didn't she?

Also, I thought walking a mile in somebody else's shoes was meant to give you empathy. She did claim that the BBC is full of people whose mums and dads work there. And, I mean, she has some expertise in this field, it should be said, having hired her daughters to work in her private office at taxpayer expense. So at least for once a politician knows what they're complaining about.

But, I mean, is it true that the Beebe is full of people whose parents were... I mean, yes, let's take a look at this week's news quiz, for example. I have just had paternity and maternity tests done and I'm delighted to reveal that I am the offspring of Lord Reith and Alexandra Palace, the large... LAUGHTER ..the large North London building

where early TV signals were transmitted into 30s. Kiri Pritchard-McLean, let's see how you do on the Dorries test. Do you have a double-barrel surname? Yeah. Yes. And does your mum or dad know anyone? Literally anyone? Well, I think it's true.

I am largely here because of nepotism, because my dad had quite a few little cameos on Crime Watch back in the day, so I shouldn't have said that. Kerry Godman, you are, are you not, the result of a Blue Peter experiment in which they fused the DNA of pioneering pre-war DJ Doris Arnold with a papier-mâché statue of kids' TV legends Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men? I'm about to write, Andy, yeah. Well, absolutely.

And, and, men on. I mean, men write, Andy, yeah. Well, absolutely. And men on. I mean, men on summarises most of BBC output through its history. And, um, oh, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, the Tory conference, the most wonderful time of the year for democracy fans when you realise, yes, it's 11 months until party conference season begins again. In terms of how to interpret Boris Johnson's speech, I mean, you know, we all have our existing opinions. I try to be as neutral as possible. So I have averaged out the reactions to his speech from the pro-Johnson media and the anti-Johnson media.

I'll do the pro-Johnson in this high voice and the anti-Johnson media. I'll do the pro-Johnson in this high voice and the anti-Johnson in a low voice. So here we go. Prime Minister Boris Johnson consolidated his grip on power with a truly inspirational and completely underwhelming, yet still delusional speech in which he laid out

his inspiring long-term plan for the future in a desperate attempt to deflect attention away from how he's dealt with all the recent crisis so incredibly bloody well. This was classic Boris Johnson. Back to what he does there. Blathering on without having

the show is working. Oh, jeez, democracy is doing very well. Thank you. There we go. So, Boris Johnson speaks piece there. Right, at the end of that round, the scores are two to Team Discontent and three to Team No Contents.

And moving on now, this can go to Team Discontent. As the economy stumblingly emerges from COVID, who wants to take all the credit? The universal credits. Oh! Okay. So this is the fact that they are scrapping the £20 increase to

universal credit that was put in place to Covid to ease things on families that are obviously living on universal credit so things are even harder and they've gone, you know what, things have got much better post-COVID and because of Brexit. So they're all millionaires now, these people who got an extra 20 quid. And so we're taking that 20 quid back and spending it on Ferrero Rocher.

I don't know what Tory's like. I mean, it's interesting, isn't it? They gave people 20 quid extra a week when you couldn't actually buy anything. I mean, the shops and pubs were shut. And now everything's open again, you lose the money. How does this fit with the government's levelling up agenda?

Taking £20 a week away from people who really don't have £20 a week to spare. I think it's perfectly consistent and coherent, to be honest. It makes a lot of sense to me. You're going to have to show you're working on that one, Alan. Well, I'm going to be Director General soon after this answer, so bear with me.

I think it's economic genius of the first order. You want to make people richer, you take money away from them. Any other apparently contradictory policies you think the government should try to achieve the absolute opposite of what they pretend they're achieving? They could do some policies like they did the minimum wage and they changed the minimum wage, but they could reverse that, couldn't they? Make it genuinely like really minimum, like 20p a fortnight or something. I think it's insane what they're doing with the debt of poor countries.

insane what they're doing with the debt of poor countries. So one of them that they keep naming over and over again is Sudan and oh my god, so I am from Sudan. Is that the new official name for Sudan? No, no, no, that's the region that I'm from, it's called

Ah! They have to give a certain amount of money to poor a country, so they've reduced that. So what they're saying is that the debt that that country owes, that should be classified as aid, so they don't have to give them aid, they just cut them off their debt. But Sudan has paid off their debt years ago. They're actually just paying loads

and loads and loads of interest. Am I talking about debt? Am I talking about my student loan? I actually don't even know anymore. Moving on to a related topic as people face up to economic hardship. After all the talk of a fairer society, in a joke form, what goes up and must therefore be

a come down? Is this to do with the energy bills? yes well done what's really weird about this government is you sort of understand why they want market forces to work but they're also being really horrible to business at the same time it's equality isn't it it's leveling up well it's kind of i suppose so i suppose if everyone ends up skint that's a form of of levelling up. But I mean, they're basically forcing businesses to pay an enormous amount of money for gas and cap the amount they can charge consumers for it. So all these companies keep going under. And of course, when the companies go under, you get shifted to a different company on a higher tariff. So everyone loses. He'll make it seem like it's not that bad, though, won't he?

He'll sort of throw in a reference to the Blitz and then mention Lord Baden-Powell or something and cooking baked beans over a candle with an old tin. And that's the British spirit. Am I the only one who thinks it's fine? I think it's great. I think it's because my boobs look great in a jumper. You're talking about all these cuts, and I thought of ways. So I've been looking up living like an Amish person because apparently it's meant cuts and I thought of ways. So I've been looking up living like an Amish person because apparently it's meant to save you loads of money.

So I thought, get rid of my diesel car and buy a horse. But the cost of horses is so expensive. You have to give them weekly shots. You have to change their shoes. I was going to get off of them. I've got loads of pairs of old shoes, but they were like, no, they're very specific shoes you have to change. Their insurance

is so high. So I was like, look, okay, how am I going to get out of this? And I thought, oh my God, I'll buy a donkey because they're a lot cheaper and lower maintenance and you only have to give them shots once a month rather than twice weekly. But apparently their insurance is really high. So next time you see me, guys, you're going to see me on a mule.

Well, I think that's the first time on the news we've addressed the thorny issue of donkey insurance. It needed saying. It needed addressing. The problem is, Ola, that the Russians now control a massive pipeline sending all the sugar lumps to Britain. So, you know, we're just vulnerable

to the international market. Oh, no, my donkey's diabetic, so... That sounds like a new BBC podcast. Just in case people are feeling a little bit flush with their minus £20 a week loyalty bonus from the government, there have been warnings that household energy bills could rise by hundreds of pounds over the next 12 months due to an undrinkable cocktail of

local, national and global factors. And energy suppliers are continuing to struggle. At the beginning of 2021 there were 70 UK suppliers. But by the end of next year, there could be as few as 10. Unless you help. So please

do anything you can to help Britain's energy suppliers. Tumble dry your clothes one sock at a time. Drink a freshly boiled cup of tea every five minutes through the day. Make vegetable soup by slowly mulching your veg in a cement mixer for 48 hours. Text, yeah whatever, to pledge £4,000 a month to stop yet another naively structured energy provider falling victim to the whims of the global market.

We can build a better world. We will now, actually, before we move on, let's do this. We're now going to play a quick game, funk or defunked. I'm going to give you a name and you have to tell me if it's an energy supplier that has collapsed recently or a popular funk band. For example, Igloo Energy went bust last week. Funkadelic were an American funk band

who in 1978 released One Nation Under A Groove. And coincidentally, Michael Gove defines himself as a One Nation Under A Groove conservative these days. So we'll give this to Anand and Kerry. First team, no content. Mandrill. Is that funk or defunked? Funk.

Funk, correct. Yes, so one point there. The New York funksters from the 1970s who never really seriously considered becoming a gas and electricity supplier. Kiri and Ola, symbiote. Is that funk or defunct? Sounds like an energy company doesn't it?

That's got to be defunct right? It is a recently defunct energy company Well done This can go back to Anand and Kerry Sly and the Family Stone I know this one They're our energy supplier They do our South East Region.

They were. They were South East Region Best Small Energy Supplier 2003. Of course, they've now been subsumed into the national energy provider Earth, Wind and Fire. Right, the scores now are seven to Team Discontent, eight to Team No Content. This question can go to Kiri and Ola. Whose outage provoked outrage this week?

Oh, I know all about this one. So WhatsApp, Instagram and Facebook all went down this week and it was incredibly badly timed because we're all just hanging on by a thread at the moment and we've had 18 months, been locked in our houses, staring across at a face deteriorating before your eyes, all we've got is social media. And if you take that away,

then I can't be held responsible for my actions. Well, if you say you can't be held responsible for your actions, that is also Facebook's corporate motto as well. How did you all cope with the six hours? Oh, it was like a holiday. Having a break from a parent's WhatsApp group, it felt like a week in the Maldives. I was actually really worried because my parents,

it's like an African parent thing where they're obsessed with WhatsApp and as soon as it happened, I looked at my husband and I was like, oh my God, my dad's going to have to talk to my mum for the first time in two years. Though actually, I must admit, I was a bit scared by the prospect of having to talk to people, so I just stared at my phone anyways if it was all all right for six hours. scared by the prospect of having to talk to people,

so I just stared at my phone anyways, if it was all all right, for six hours. I wish there was, you could have little sounds for these kind of feelings on social media. Because I am trying to pluck up the confidence to leave at least four WhatsApp groups. And I'd really like it when I do leave, if there was a sound of a little door slamming. Kerry has left the group.

Yes, a six-hour outage on Monday for Facebook and its suspensively adopted children, Instagram and WhatsApp. The company described a very concerning spike in the self-esteem of young people, which runs contrary to our corporate values. We pledged never to let it happen again. According to some, the outage could have wiped

as much as $6 billion from Mark Zuckerberg's personal wealth, which for him is the kind of money he finds down the back of his sofa on the receipt for his sofa. He's had a terrible week, hasn't he? Because there was a whistleblower, sort of an ex-employee, said that he'd had too much power. He was in control of too many things and not answerable and that it damages young people.

And everyone was like, I know, but when's it coming back on? Moving on now to our final round. It's a special Nobel Prize round. The Nobel Prizes have been awarded this week. I find it all very confusing. So we're going to do a multiple choice. I'm going to present three breakthroughs, but only one has actually won the prize this week. They have to tell me which one it is.

So we'll start with Anand and Kerry. Was the Chemistry Prize awarded to A, a new process that could save the environment by enabling protesters to be de-glued from motorways before they piss people off so much that the world swings fully in favour of ecological Armageddon? Was it B, a discovery that makes drugs appear out of thin air? Or was it C, the discovery of a technique

that enables you to turn wheat into live mice? I want it to be A. It's not A, no. B! B, correct, yes. I wish I knew where those protesters got that clue, because I've got a doorknob that has lost its purchase on the screw, and I cannot find any glue that will stick it at all.

And I cannot find any glue that will stick it at all. Yeah, I mean, the prize was for German-born Benjamin List and Scotland-born David Macmillan for their work on asymmetric organocatalysis. So for ten points, can anyone explain, what the hell is that? Is it an organic form of a catalyst? Oh, that'll do. I'll give you ten. I'll give you the full ten for that.

Right, moving on to the Nobel Prize for Physics. Was that awarded to a means of making TV shows come true? Illustrated by the firing of William Shatner into space. Was it B, a method of finding weight in a political speech where there appears to be none whatsoever?

Or was it C, the physics prize went to a computer simulation where you have to make the world blow up? C? C. Yes, it was for computer modelling to make long-term predictions about how global warming will impact the Earth's climate. Are you excited about this, or would you rather not know exactly

how it's going to end? It always works the wrong way for me as well. I know it should be sort of like for instance when they've got that map that predicts how sea levels are going to rise. All you do is check where you live and if it's fine you just keep burning tyres. I honestly looked at it, looked at where I live on Ernest Moor and it doesn't...

The beach is closer to my house after global warming, so I was like, brilliant. And the coastal bit of Spain where my racist auntie lives is underwater, so I was like, win, win! And they predicted it 30 years ago, and what they said has proven to be accurate. Is that right? Yes. So they were right all along.

That must be sort of a hollow glory. That's like winning a baking competition after everyone shat out the cake. Yes, that episode was never broadcast, though, was it? Yes, it's a 90-year-old Shikuro Manabe, 89-and-three-quarter-year-old Klaus Hasselmann and youngster Giorgio Parisi, a spring chicken at 73, won the physics gong for their computer modelling

to make spoiler alerts. Sorry, what's the scientific term? Long-term predictions. That's it. About how global warming will destroy us all. But the question on everyone's lips was, who did they wear to the awards ceremony? That's all the cash. One quick final

science question. Who has been delighted with a 30% success rate this week? Is it my partner managing to urinate in the toilet? It's the malaria, isn't it? Correct. Well done. In terrible news for anti-vaxxers. Another vaccine

has been created, this time to fight malaria. It took only 40 years' work, so it clearly can't be trusted and is obviously just an international conspiracy to stop hundreds of thousands of people dying unnecessarily. That 30% might not sound like much, but let's put it another way.

If someone offered you a totally safe tablet that gave you a 30% chance of being able to scrub the memory of Michael Gove dancing... Oh, Kat, please, sign me up. I'll do the trial. Exactly. I would take that as a suppository for the next ten weeks.

A scientist said developing the malaria vaccine was, quotes, like nailing jelly to a wall, which does suggest, given the precision that scientists use in language, that they have tried nailing jelly to a wall. It raises questions about the management of the project. Boss, should we do some stuff with microbes in test tubes today or maybe just try to persuade mosquitoes to be nicer?

No, I want that bloody jelly on that bloody wall. Get to it. Insulate Britain would glue it. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz and Team Discontent, Kiri and Ola have stormed to victory with 17. Team No Content, Kiri and Anand finish on 11.

And just some breaking news reaching us. The government has announced the next phase of its levelling up programme, a £1.2 billion scheme to buy every single lamp from every single antique shop in the country. The Treasury Minister, Albion Frostley, said there must be a genie in one of them. We've told it to level everything up. We'll still have two wishes left over. It's going to be awesome.

Thank you to our panellists, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Ola Labib, to Anand Menon and Kerry Godleyman. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Thank you for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Anand Menon, Kerry Pritchard-Berplain,

Kerry Godliman and Ola Labib. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Heidi Regan, Sachandrika Chakrabarti and Tasha Dunraj. The producer was Gwyn Rees-Davies and it was a BBC Studios production.