Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz Best of 2021 TX 31st Dec 2021

Episode Date: December 31, 2021

Andy Zaltzman raids the 2021 archive to remember amongst other things, a man in a horned helmet running around the Capitol Building, the leader of the opposition not being allowed into a pub and Britain's favourite alpaca.Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Katie BaumA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello and welcome to the official News Quiz decommissioning of the year 2021. In this, the News Quiz review of the year. decommissioning of the year 2021. In this, the News Quiz Review of the Year. I am Andy Zaltzman, and that is one of the few things of which I'm still relatively sure in this confusing world. 2021 has been a year that has seen this much-criticised decade recover from its difficult first year, with a marginally less abominable difficult second year. But there have been

definite signs of improvement, like there are definite signs of improvement on your second attempt at riding a horse. If the first one ended up with the horse flicking you over its head and volleying you into a sewage tank full of porcupines, and the second one merely involves the horse unseating you into a wheelie bin full of hedgehogs, then you're going to think, I'm learning. So, very slightly onwards and imperceptibly upwards we have gone, ever since the early episodes of the News Quiz year were dominated by news from the United States of America, where someone was not very happy about

the employment boot being on the other fist from what he was used to, and being sacked from his job by 80 million voters. It's fair to say that Donald Trump and his many fans were somewhat triggered by the potent combination of democracy, mathematics, the US Constitution, due process, and the cold, wet haddock of reality that they faced. But they did not take democracy lying down. They took it lying to themselves and wearing a furry hat and horns because, well, search not for logic in 2021, my friends. Logic checked out of Hotel Earth some time ago. So, moving on now to question one, and this goes to both teams. Who really, really, really does not want to move house? Well, most men after eight years of marriage.

That fits. That does fit. It wouldn't be Donald, would it? It would, correct. Yes, that's the first point of the year. Yeah, he hasn't taken it well, has he? I think it's fair to say. point of the year. Yeah, he hasn't taken it well, has he? I think it's fair to say. I think a glorious understatement

in this world of exaggeration, Jeff. Who'd have thought he'd be a sore loser? I mean, it really goes against everything we've learnt about the gentleman over the last four years, doesn't it? It really does. I imagine that right now he's putting prawns and cream cheese behind every radiator in the White House.

Sewing them into seams of the curtains. Meanwhile, back here on the correct side of the Atlantic, after what had undoubtedly been a bit of a non-ideal 12 months, everything was going absolutely fine here on the island of Team GB for a day. Covid was vanquished, or it might have been taking a breather or calling home to its mum, as schools in England threw open their doors and welcomed in a new age of openness for 24 hours. Question one this week is this. According to the government, what should happen as soon as possible?

April. Right. I've heard that April, the government wants April to happen as soon as possible, because April is when we're getting back to normal. And traditionally, at this time of year, April would be, you know, what, two and a bit months away, I guess. But I've heard the government is setting up a task force to see if they can make April happen in a sort of shorter timeframe. Right. So Matt Hancock, he's going to be ramping up the days of the week, and he's hopeful that within ten days we'll be able to perhaps roll out Thursday on Monday

and then Tuesday by the previous Friday, thereby sort of making the weekend happen on Wednesday and the February half-term already in the past, which means it's downhill all the way. Right. To be honest, Hugo, I mean, I know

that's not official yet, but that is the most coherent policy the government has yet come up with. Alice? Apparently MPs are asking the government for some ideas that are somewhere between school being mostly closed or totally open and everyone dying. I have some suggestions. OK. We're all ears here in Britain. Yeah, well, I think what we need...

Because the problem is not so much children going to school, it's children coming back from school bringing disease. So I reckon, like, compulsory boarding school for everyone, teach children to teach other children, put them on an island, push it out to sea, whichever one's come back alive, get into Cambridge. That's... LAUGHTER

That was the original plan with Australia, I think. I feel sorry for parents that have to homeschool, but I don't feel bad for kids missing out on this much because when I honestly reflected on what I did at primary school, the only things that stand out was every so often a dog would somehow get into the playground overnight or a sheep. And you'd just chase it around for a bit. Did you say a dog or a sheep?

A dog or a sheep would get into the school and there would be chaos and that was the most exciting thing that happened. In February, the government took a quick break from its hectic floundering schedule to announce the great achievement of having smashed through the 10 million vaccines barrier, a superb effort by all concerned, which brought us some crucial leeway

so we could treat ourselves to a few nice helpings of complacency through the rest of the year. And some of the more Brexitatious amongst us particularly enjoyed a little bit of schadenfreude... What do we have to call it now after Brexit? Shaken fruity, that's it. Around headlines coming out of Europe that the continental vaccine rollout was not going quite as well as ours. Yes, get in.

We were winning on so many of those Covidius graphs. Great days. And who would have thought that our vaccine success was all down to future former Health Secretary Matt Hancock's penchant for cinema? It's been something of a triumph for Health Secretary Matt Hancock's penchant for cinema. It's been something of a triumph for Health Secretary Matt Hancock for the UK to have got this head start on the vaccine programme,

but can you tell me what inspired Matt Hancock's vaccine strategy? Oh, I know this one. Yes. Go on, Helen. It is the 2011 film Contagion. Correct. Which he watched. That is not a lie. Let me he watched. That is not a lie.

Let me emphasise that is not a lie. We are making policy based on Hollywood blockbusters. However, he did note that it was not his, quote, primary source of advice. That, instead, was another great 2011 film, Cowboys and Aliens. Now, unless you should think that the rule of normal behaviour had been fully re-established by this point, there was mounting evidence that the country, the world and our species

would never truly be the same again, when news broke that a farm in Lancashire had begun renting out goats to attend online Zoom meetings. Before we move on from Covid issues, on the subject of Covid Zoom meetings, which Zoom guest can justifiably claim to be the greatest of all time? It's the goat, isn't it? It is the goat, yes.

The goat can claim to be the goat. These questions are easier when you give us the answer, Andy. No, there's a farm. I was reading about this. There's a farm in this country that was struggling with whatever they normally do because of coronavirus. And they've been renting out goats for people to have as a member of their Zoom meeting.

And it's £6 for five minutes or something like that. That's a lot for a government. Listen, my concern is that I'm not saying that a website that rents out goats for five minutes at £6 a pop, you know, it can be an innocent thing, but what I want to know is... LAUGHTER What I want to know is,

why are you clicking that link in the first place? What's your motive? I've got a good goat fact. All right. They're not waterproof. Did you know that? How did you find that out? Because I went to a farm where there was a goat

and the person who knew about goats said they weren't waterproof. Right. That's what I learned that day. So you have to keep them covered at night. They're not like other animals, like owls. But they don't dissolve. I mean... Could you imagine?

It's the pile of... It doesn't matter. Dissolved goat. The naive goat farmer on his first day. Oh, no! Oh, no, they've all washed away, all the goats. Inform, educate and entertain. Oh, no, there's just the horns left, that's all. Well, there you go.

Covid, for all its many flaws as a national and global crisis, has engendered elements of considerable human creativity, ranging from online arts and crafts, via an ability to spot potential suppliers of Covid equipment where normal people might have thought they obviously have no relevant expertise and are charging way too much, all the way to this crucial modern day skill of how to monetise your spare goats. Back in the USA, Joe Biden was inaugurated, becoming the least divisive president of the decade so far, which admittedly is not the highest bar and it wasn't also quite

as clean a clearance as might have been ideal, with Kamala Harris as his history-making vice president. And that strange sound you could hear was half of America fully exhaling for the first time in four years, and the other half of America banging its head against a concrete block in frustration, and complaining about the nasty block giving them a hurty head. Hari, as an American in America, what does it feel like to go back to normal? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just like Pompeii after Vesuvius erupted. I mean, he didn't attend the inauguration, which, by the way, was fine by me just because I watched the inauguration with my five month old who kicked and screamed and pooped himself

repeatedly. So it was like Trump was there the whole time. Trump threw himself a farewell party, because of course he did. And instead of going to the inauguration and on the invitation, he encouraged people to bring at least five friends with them, which, first of all, is pathetic. And secondly, only Donald Trump would turn his farewell party into a Ponzi scheme. It was notable that Trump didn't go to the inauguration. Very, very few presidents have not gone to the inauguration of their successor.

Abraham Lincoln was another example, but he had a much, much better excuse. Yeah, I mean, Trump effortlessly skipped that possibility by never going to the theatre. The season's turned, and as sure as furious reactions follow anything happening anywhere ever nowadays, spring followed winter. The season brought with it a slew of sleaze-shamuzzles and allegations of government corruption and malfeasance

that I'm delighted to say are a distant memory as we talk to you now in the pure, unadulterated month of December. First, there was David Cameron and the Greensill lobbying scandal. Not to be competitive, as an African, I think this is a very low level of corruption. It's very, like, very... What amounts to getting British outrage? The man works for this company and he starts lobbying.

Now, if I hired an ex-prime minister and they refused to use their connections, I would fire them. I mean, they do, because we've even got a word for it. We're so used to it. They call it the chumocracy, don't they? Which is sort of the chumocracy. And given that most people in government went to the best possible schools, it's not just a chumocracy, don't they? Which is sort of the chumocracy. And given that most people in government went to the best possible schools, it's not just a chumocracy, it's a pedigree chumocracy. Greenshill was followed up with revelations that Boris Johnson had texted James Dyson,

Viscount vacuum cleaner himself, for help with ventilators in return for, quotes, fixing a tax matter. himself for help with ventilators in return for, quotes, fixing a tax matter. Can you imagine how good a Dyson ventilator would be? The Hoovers have got cyclone technology. A Dyson ventilator would have, like, hurricane technology and you'd have to strap your head to a pole

to stop internal decapitation. And it would tear the teeth from your gums and blast them into the pit of your stomach and fill you with more oxygen than you've ever had in your life in under three minutes. It would be an incredible... And then came the parody Prime Minister's Downing Street flat refurbishment. And question one this week goes to both teams.

Who has been accused of being out of order in his attempt to get his house in order? This sounds like it might be your lead story about Boris Johnson and his flat refurbishment. Correct. Or possibly Carrie Simmons' flat refurbishment and the scandal that this has created about a nation outraged that on top of everything else they've had to endure,

they've now had to see John Lewis bad-mouthed in public. Since the death of the Queen Mother, there have been very few really genuinely sacred institutions in this country, but I think it's fair to say that calling John Lewis a nightmare is just a step too far and probably will bring down this government. Most of us, I think, seeing the whole story, have been largely baffled, having previously assumed that Boris slept in a basket most nights. It's revealed a third strata in British society that I didn't realise existed.

There were either people who thought that John Lewis was nice or people who thought that John Lewis was too expensive. I didn't know there was a version above where they're like, oh, I couldn't possibly, I could not possibly live in a house with John Lewis furniture. I do have a friend that works in Westminster, and I've heard off the record that most of the money's actually been spent on a fridge that's large enough for Boris to hide in

whenever he and Kerry have a fight. So that is two points to Team Sleaze, plus an extra two points for asking for more points before the show and paying me a bit of extra money, so that's four points. And we could go on, but instead we're going to leave a gap here for you to remember another sleazier story about the more ethics-averse elements of our government, political system, COVID supply chain or football pyramid, and then for you to briefly feel hollow inside before we move on to something else.

All done? Feeling better? Good. Let's move on. It's fair to say that democracy is still experiencing a few teething troubles just two and a half millennia into its young life, but Britain marched to the polls once again in May for Super Thursday. Or some of Britain did, not really much, kind of shuffle, with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever. It's hard, isn't it, to get excited about local election? It's a bit like with football. I can get excited about the World Cup, but anything else I can't really.

And calling it Super Thursday is just stupid. Nobody's going to be staying up all night tonight to find out who their police commissioner is. People are bored. I think local elections are called local elections in the same way that anaesthesia is called local anaesthesia. In that you kind of want to be aware of what's going on, but at the end you wish you'd slept through the whole thing.

Keir Starmer celebrated one year allegedly in charge of the Labour Party, a time in which his critics claim he's cut through to the broader public like a cucumber through a rhinoceros. He celebrated his anniversary in the traditional manner, by getting thrown out of a pub and bath. Apparently it's even more, I don't really have

anything on this, this is just pure gossip, this is between us guys. It turns out, it turns even more. I don't really have anything on this. This is just pure gossip. This is between us guys. It turns out, it turns out that he wasn't randomly walking around pubs. He'd actually, Keir Starmer had been invited to that pub by one of the other landlords. And, I know, crazy landlord hadn't been told about it,

so he wasn't in what they say these days is the loop. So that's... hadn't been told about it, so he wasn't in what they say these days is the loop. He was probably transferring a lot of his emotions about his sense of betrayal from his business partner, as much as his anger at Keir Starmer's policies, which, as we know, are we don't know. Well, as we battle against Omicron this Christmas, let's cast our minds back to the summer, when we first decided to stop naming virus variants after where we want to think they came from, and instead name them after bits of the Greek alphabet.

And that's fair enough for me. That alphabet helped spark the evolution of European civilisation, without which we'd all still be perfectly happily living in henges and worshipping worms, or whatever it is we used to do in those days. This really irritates me. If you don't know, I actually was a virologist before I was a comedian. And you know what?

People aren't stupid. And I wish they would stop treating us as such. There already exists established nomenclature systems for the naming and tracking of these variants. Like, for example, the Indian, which is known as B.1.6172 or G.4.5.B.1.6172 or G.4.5.2.R.V2RV3, or 21AS478K, but now we've got to remember Delta. Right, the score is now 111 for two. Oh, no, sorry, I'm reading the wrong scorecard. Our series in June ended on a classic cliffhanger.

Would lockdown be lifted, or would hope fall to its death off the Reichenbach Falls of reality? With the scores tantalisingly tied at 13 points all, we come to the final question of the series. Always good to end any series on a cliffhanger. So here is our cliffhanger question. Should the relaxation of lockdowns be delayed? Tune in in September for the answer.

In the autumn, much was recriminated in the aftermath of Joe Biden's decision to withdraw American troops from Afghanistan, bringing to a close a two-decade tragedy without even being able to slap a Mission Accomplished sticker on it, as no-one could really remember what the original mission was and therefore couldn't tell if it had been accomplished or not. In the UK, however, the most enthusiastically dug up bone of contention was the fate of an alpaca.

It's been a story that's really touched the nation, Geronimo the alpaca. What did he mean to you, personally? I was a fan of his hair. I thought he was, you don't often see the kind of Bobby Ewing from Dallas look these days. The full kind of Graham Sooners, if you will. And Geronimo the alpaca was rocking it well. I appreciated the delightful consistency of the British people, who are totally resistant to any suggestion we might all go vegetarian or vegan to save the planet,

but one disease-ridden alpaca, and we're practically marching on Downing Street. It was very moving to see. Can one eat the alpaca? You can eat anything once. I think whenever I hear the word destroyed and Geronimo, I feel like something's been launched out of a cannon. It's the way you would have wanted to go.

That's the way he would have wanted to go. People claim that the positive tests for the bovine tuberculosis were inaccurate, very much a kind of Shakespearean TB or not TB confusion. Are we all done on the alpaca? I'll pack it in then. Yes, this is the... Autumn, not always the chirpiest of seasons, to be fair, was significantly enlivened by Emma Raducanu, who achieved one of the most astonishing sporting feats of all time by anyone from anywhere, let alone by a teenager from Bromley,

winning the US Open as a qualifier without dropping a set, which only goes to show, as we all suspected, sport is way, way better than reality. And if you're still unconvinced, ask yourself this, who did you more enjoy watching go about their work this year, Raducanu or Raab? Point proved. As the news quiz year drew to an end, fuel became the must-have accessory for all fashion-conscious cars, leading to fights on the forecourts as the nation ran perilously short of supplies of traditional British staples, such as petrol, stoicism, manners, and even a vague sense of communal cooperation.

At one point a life-size cardboard cutout of action movie star Vin Diesel was stolen from outside a multiplex in Tunbridge Wells, shredded and shoved by hand directly into someone's engine and heartbroken fuel fans were left desperately begging service station staff to just describe the smell of petrol to them whilst whimpering, I miss it so much. And millions of people were plunged into uncertainty in a mountain of unwanted admin. Is there any other sort? After energy companies started

disappearing out of the free market's leaky back pocket. Should we be concerned about our dependence on Russia for our energy? Bearing in mind this is a country that not so long ago killed 30 million of its own people just to keep a lid on experimental poetry. I mean, we should, but we're supposed to be weaning ourselves off gas anyway,

aren't we, right? We've been saying for years we've got to burn less gas, and now there's this terrible crisis because we're going to be forced to burn less gas, and you might think the government would be saying, insulate, get heat pumps, let's take advantage of this using less gas. But instead, they're saying, no, we'll subsidise the gas, keep burning lots and lots and lots of gas. And it's not just that Russia isn't selling it to us, it's that Russia is selling it to China, because China uses our gas to run all its power to make all its things to sell to us,

that we're not gonna be able to use because we haven't got any power. I'm deeply confused. I think what we're going to have to do is we're going going to be able to use because we haven't got any power. So it's... I'm deeply confused. I think what we're going to have to do is we're going to have to build new power stations that just burn things like iPhones and flat-screen TVs instead of gas, and then we'll have enough power to run the new ones that we're buying and everything will be OK. That sounded like someone was so impressed with that idea they've already called it in somewhere.

What this week saw the return of Q? Oh, it's a clever one, isn't it? It could be Bond or it could be the Q. It could be the terrible shortage of something that we're not short of at all, petrol. Well, they're both correct, but the even more correct answer is the petrol answer. So I'll give you two points there. Well done.

Did any of you panic buy anything? I've just enjoyed watching it. It's been like Mad Max with Mondeos. It's fun. No, I don't have a car, so it didn't really affect me, but I walked past a petrol station yesterday and just loads of strange men scrapping with each other out in the street. Sorry, did I say petrol station? I meant the Labour Party conference.

Let's look in a little more detail at what Starmer specifically said. I've got some snippets from his speech with some words taken out. Now, our panellists get one point if they can tell me what he actually said and two points if they can tell me what I've decided he should have said. So, for example, this.

We guarantee that every young person gets to see... Let's find out what he actually said. We guarantee that every young person gets to see a careers advisor. But what he should have said was, world-ending apocalypse. So let's throw this to our panellists. First, I'm going to go to Matt and Alan on Team Panic Stations. Here's the quote. I've spent my entire working life trying to get...

LAUGHTER What were the missing words there? Was it a little bit taller? LAUGHTER He started with platform shoes and then he's got, like, a rack, but it's just making absolutely no difference. Not Iraq again, Alan. Still tearing the Labour Party apart.

Let's find out what he actually said. I've spent my entire working life trying to get justice done. Justice done is the correct answer. What he should have said, according to me, is I've spent my entire working life trying to get my own headed notepaper. Let's move on. When I was at school, I had...

..with Fatboy Slim. Any suggestions? When I was at school, I had pillow fights in my underwear with Fat Boy Slim. Not much. No, no, no, quite close. When I was at school, I had a leadership pack like that one Tony and Gordon had with Fat Boy Slim. That could save the Labour Party, Matt.

Let's find out what he did say. When I was at school, I had music lessons with Fatboy Slim. Music lessons? What he should have said, of course, was when I was at school, I had several erotic time travel escapades with Fatboy Slim. I would pay to watch those. The News Quiz year ended in October. Someone keeps stealing the last two months of the year from our calendar.

Nothing much ever happens in the last couple of months of the year, does it? No. So that brings us up to date and ready for the News Quiz year ended in October. Someone keeps stealing the last two months of the year from our calendar. Nothing much ever happens in the last couple of months of the year, does it? No. So that brings us up to date and ready for the News Quiz to ring in 2022 with a new series next week. Before we go, just time to bring you some breaking news, which is that the News Quiz is about to play the breaking news highlights from 2021. Just some breaking news reaching us. Alan Titchmarsh has revealed that after 40 years of trying, he has finally learned how to photosynthesise.

LAUGHTER The former Gardeners World presenter said he was thrilled to finally be able to oxygenate a room and could now survive solely on the sunlight. Just some quick breaking news coming through to us. Slightly disturbing news while we've been on air. Hugh Edwards' frown has

slipped off his face. He is now at large in Broadcasting House. The frown, which has been deepening throughout the last 12 months, finally fell off his face completely at the end of last night's news at 10, fell onto the floor and scuttled into the darkness.

Edwards has said he will miss the frown, which has become a close friend and confidant during the Covid crisis. He said he looked forward to being able to express surprise and happiness again. Just time for a quick bit of breaking news. Rishi Sunak has announced that to compensate for the cancellation of Christmas 2020, he's brought forward Christmas 2067 to April of breaking news. Rishi Sunak has announced that to compensate for the cancellation of Christmas 2020, he's brought forward Christmas 2067

to April of this year. The Chancellor explained I don't know how the people in 2067 will deal with it, but they haven't complained when I've nicked all their money, so I reckon we can get away with it. There you go. I'm sure you will all join me now in wishing 2021 a not particularly happy retirement.

Go away and think about what you've done, you ridiculous year. So, 2021, if you could give 2022 some tips on how to be slightly less disappointing than you were, we would all be very grateful indeed. It just remains for me to thank all our panellists, writers and production team who've contributed to the News Quiz in 2021, and of course, you listening at home. Until next year, or indeed next week, whichever comes sooner, goodbye.

The News Quiz Best of 2021 was written and presented by me, Andy Zaltzman. The producer was Richard Morris, and it was a BBC Studios production.