Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - NEWS QUIZ: Castles, Twitter and Furloughed Horses

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

Angela Barnes welcomes Professor Anand Menon, Lucy Porter, Neil Delamere and Zoe Lyons.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm the award-winning Gary Bellamy, host of Radio 4's premium phone-in show, Down the Line. And, like all those retired doctors and other heroes, I've returned in this country's hour of need, broadcasting live from my own home with a lockdown special. And you can find an exclusive extra episode by searching for Down the Line on BBC Sounds. Hello, it's me, Angela Barnes, host of the News Quiz. A bit of a change

of scenery for me as I recorded the first half of the week's episode live from Barnard's Castle in County Durham. Took me almost six hours to drive there but at least I know once and for all that my eyes do work. Unfortunately it did mean I had to record the second part of the show in the Rose Garden at Downing Street. So wherever you are, sit back, admire the castle, smell the roses and enjoy a brand new Friday night comedy podcast. Friday Night Comedy podcast. Welcome to the News Quiz with your host, Angela Barnes. Hello and welcome to another lockdown edition of the News Quiz.

I hope you've all been managing to enjoy the sunshine this week. I'm very jealous of people who've got a garden right now. In the block of flats I live in, we're all sitting out on our balconies. If you look at my place from the road, we look like an open-air Zoom call. But I mustn't grumble. I'm lucky to have a balcony and it's great for getting a bit of fresh air. But I find it's a real challenge for a decent game of swing ball. Let's kick things off today with this Facebook Marketplace ad read by Corrie Caulfield. Jeggings, jeans, tunics and skirts, size 10, £15 for all, all will split. Thank you to Joe Bateson for sending that in. Now let's meet the teams.

In Team A, we have Professor Anna Menon and Lucy Porter. Hello. And in Team B, it's Zoe Lyons and Neil Delamere. Hiya. How's lockdown? What are we now? Ten weeks into lockdown, how are we all faring? Lucy, we saw you at the beginning. How are you doing now?

The listeners won't be able to tell but i now have a fine beard and a haunted look i'm like the ancient mariner zoe lions welcome how are you doing i'm doing all right two months in um the hair's becoming a bit of an issue for me on the head obviously i've just decided to um i've decided to let it all grow out and join up nice with all the body parts i've just decided to um i've decided to let it all grow out and join up nice with all the body parts i'm just going to weave it all together because i reckon by i think by september i'll have a full suit just in time for winter and we drove our men on how are you doing in lockdown i'm all right except i'm slightly ashamed of how much i'm missing pubs and again actually saying that on the radio probably isn't the best

way to deal with my shame, but that's my fundamental problem at the moment, the lack of pubs. I keep telling myself it's okay to miss the pub, because I'm not missing beer, because I've got plenty of beer. I'm missing the social aspect of pubs, and I think that's alright. And we're joined by Neil Dillamit. Are you in Dublin, Neil? I'm in

Dublin, yeah. How's lockdown in Dublin? It's not bad. I fostered a dog just before this all happened, a lovely beagle called Mick, and he's kind of keeping me sane because he has to be walked, so he doesn't care about lockdown. He also had to get the operation,

so he's wearing the cones so he doesn't bite out the stitches. So he's wandering around the house like he's in The Handmaid's Tale. He looks exactly like that. So, should we start the show? Yes. Anand, have a listen to this.

Anand, whose instincts have caused the stink? Well, this is about the Prime Minister's chief advisor and his comings and goings. You see what I did there? That was very clever. Very good. Now, you better buckle in because this is a long and complicated story, I'm afraid. It starts with his wife having the symptoms of Covid. So he went home to see her, then went to work to make sure that everyone at work caught it as well. And then, as if that weren't enough, they decided to drive a long, long way from London to County Durham.

And then when rumbled about this, claimed that everything he did was within the letter and the spirits of the rules. And that is just the normal part of the story because it gets a lot weirder. The day after this broke, Grant Shapps at the Daily Press Conference argued that going to Durham was in fact staying put. And that the small print of the rules about lockdown said you should follow them to the best of your ability. At the same press conference, Ruth Harris said, if you're symptomatic, stay at home, and Grant Shapps claimed they were both saying exactly the same thing. And then it got even stranger, because Boris Johnson was satisfied that Cummings had acted responsibly,

legally, and with integrity. And he was rather surprised that no one, including, as it turned out, the police, were convinced by this. And then things got stranger still because the man himself came, gave a press conference, which it turned out that actually, contrary to what the Prime Minister said, the media stories were largely true. But it turns out he did indeed go to Barnard Castle, but only because he couldn't see properly and wanted to take his wife and child out in the car, not because he wanted a day trip on his wife's birthday, though they did have a doubtless essential sit down next to a river. And then, of course,

we move into this week where, firstly, the chief scientist isn't allowed to go to the press conference in case he tells us what the lockdown regulations are and they don't sound right, according to Cummings. And then on Tuesday, Matt Hancock said, actually, seeing as Cummings can do this, we might review all the fines that all you other law abiding people have got from the police for breaking lockdown. Only for about half an hour later, his special adviser to say, actually, no, we won't. And then on Wednesday, we have the icing on the cake Matt Hancock comes back and he says we are going to start this process of track and trace and it is your civic duty no less to abide by the laws that we've set so absolutely no hypocrisy at the heart of

government and everything is going swimmingly and I almost want to give you a round of applause because you've made what has been two weeks of what now into a succinct and, yep, that's the bones of it. Well, it was like a Jackanory. I was enjoying that. I was like, what's the next plot twist going to be? It was great. Very well told. I found it unbelievable.

The main question that this, the behaviour of well-known travel blogger and geeky Rasputin, Dominic Cummings, raised by his actions is exactly what we're talking about. Will his actions lead to people ignoring social distancing and abandon social distancing?

And given that it was the question on everybody's lips at the orgy I was at last night, I would suggest the answer is probably yes. It's a massive insult to his wife's ability to drive though because his wife can drive. So like rather than ask her to drive,

he drove 60 miles to Barnard Castle and back. It could only be more insulting if he drove, got blurred vision and then turned to his child in the back and went, I can't make this. I think you should try my back.

To be fair, my wife can drive and I'd rather I drove if I was partially blind as well, if she was the only other option. There's so many questions in this. I mean, for a start, London to Durham seems a long way to go for childcare. It's like he's never heard of CBeebies, right? I mean, that's what you do if you're sick, right? You put them in front of Peppa Pig.

Isn't that parenting, Lucy? Well, I mean, this was the whole thing was they tried to appeal to us as parents. And in a way, you know, I remember one weekend when my husband and I had two children under two and we both got a bad case of norovirus. It was horrific. So you sort of get it. But there was just so much. It's like if you're going to appeal to parents then don't treat us like idiots because what every parent knows is exactly how many times you have to stop on a long journey with a four

year old to let them have a wee a packet of crisps or just throw up in a welcome break car park right it's not it wasn't plausible that oh yeah we just drove all the way also one thing that parents never do is allow people to move on without an apology because that is the basics of parenting and i sort of felt like if he was trying to appeal to us to our better natures then any apology would have helped with that but it wasn't an apology it was a weird kind of flex as well isn't it to turn up half an hour late to your own press conference and then he had that weird fold out table in the rose garden so he sort of he looked like he's had to judge the biggest marrow competition. Yeah, he got detained on the hooker duck,

so he was a little bit late. And then just swearing that he didn't do anything wrong. And, you know, I just think if he had just said, look, I apologise, but if I hadn't done this, then there was a chance that the country would have been fully under the control of Dominic Raab and Matt Hancock then we might all have gone fair play you know you had a point but it's yeah it was it was the shamelessness of it and also the fact that they kept telling us that we're not interested anymore as well this whole thing about

we'll move on because the public aren't interested it's only the media and I am the public and my friends are the public and we are still interested anyone else would have just got the sack but we know that Boris can't sack Dominic Cummings could be like Baldrick trying to sack Blackadder the weirdest bit of this story I haven't even mentioned which is when he got back from Durham the first thing he did was not go and tell his employer oops I might have got us into trouble but he went online and he edited a blog he'd written two or three years ago to make it look like he'd predicted pandemics. I imagine that's what he goes on about super forecasting for, because if you do it afterwards, it's quite easy to do.

I mean, in a way, you know, to defend Dominic Cummings, probably what he has done hasn't been what's really irked people as much as all the government ministers lining up to defend him. In identical words, obviously briefed. Watching Michael Gove trying to defend him was just beautiful. The sequel was almost better than the original movie. It wasn't Michael Gove who kept saying, I wish the bishop well.

I wish the bishop well. It sounds like a code word that something has been activated. I wish the original movie. It wasn't Michael Gove who kept saying, I wish the bishop well. I wish the bishop well. I wish... It sounds like a code word that something has been activated. I wish the bishop well. The eagle has landed at midnight. This is, of course, the news that Dominic Cummings took a trip to Durham during lockdown,

which for the sake of BBC impartiality is neither good nor bad. It's just a thing that happened. You know, like when the Titanic sunk. Two points to Anand. Zoe, what is making this week even more testing? Ah, this is the launch of the test and trace, what would you call it, programme schedule idea that's been launched.

It was launched on Thursday by Matt Hancock, big smiley face. He's got a face like a spatula, don't you think? It's like if you put two eyes on a spatula. It's like listening to a sort of piece of domestic utensil telling you what to do. So from now on, if you are tested for COVID, you will, trackers will trace people that you have been in contact with over the last few days

who could be potentially also infected, the NHS will text you, email you, or, I don't know, pigeon you and suggest that you isolate for 14 days if you've been in contact with this person who tested positive, even if you don't have the symptoms, as a precaution and to try and sort of have local lockdowns of the disease. And Matt Hancock pointed out that, of course, this will only work if we all adhere to it

and it is our civic duty. Oh! Yeah, which really, at the moment, you're like, oh, Matt, mate. He said he thought the vast majority of people would do the right thing. And I'll be honest with you, Matt, we, the British public, thought the vast majority

of people would do the right thing. But it turns out the right thing can be sort of interpreted different ways, doesn't it? Now, they're releasing this in an attempt to slowly release the lockdown further. And Boris Johnson, keen to move things on, this week announced that non-essential retail will be opening up as of the beginning of June, starting with outdoor markets and car showrooms. And I think the whole country went, oh, thank God for that. Yes, if I've been missing anything over the last 10 weeks, it's been the opportunity not to buy a new Maserati. Essential and non-essential as well. They're such subjective terms, aren't they? I think paper chase is essential, personally. Yes, but it's stationary. More stores are going to be opening as of the 15th of June, apparently,

which is stringent rules will be in place. You know, obviously there'll be social distancing involved. It will be odd, clothes shops, shoe shops, that sort of thing, because if you're handling goods, they will then need to be put into isolation for 72 hours before somebody else can handle them. So literally you will be walking around shops going, just looking.

No, I am just looking. I love that because they said that lots of places are implementing a you touch it, you buy it policy. And I thought, brilliant, I'm going to open a shop that sells floorboards. Yes. I think as a nation, we've all got very, very good at judging which is the more ripe avocado just by sight now.

And shops are going to have to implement sort of one-way systems, which I don't shop like that. I don't shop in any sort of ordered way. I'm scattergun, you know. So IKEA are obviously rubbing their hands together going, we've been doing this for a long time. Anyone who thinks a one-way system is effective has never been to Swindon. No.

I know the first thing I'm going to buy, I'm going to go into M&S and buy one of those big hooped dresses that Queen Victoria used to wear. Like it's your own two metre exclusion zone. When was the last time you were in Marks and Sparks? Watching Matt Hancock

try to explain contact tracing in the most patronising way possible. Basically, somebody from the NHS talks to somebody contact tracing in the most patronising way possible. Like basically somebody from the NHS talks to somebody who has had the coronavirus test positive and then

they're going to try and work out the pathway that the virus took like detectives is what he said. That is the worst Agatha Christie novel in the history.

There's no crime, no murder, just Miss Marple ringing people you might have spoken to for 15 minutes or more. It's no crime, no murder, just Miss Marple ringing people you might have spoken to for 15 minutes or more. It's just horrendous. Well, there's lots of sort of

caveats in this. For a start, initially, there was going to be an app to sort of complement this whole system, but that's not ready yet. So they've had to release it without the app.

And I just said, well, does that really work without the app? That's like me walking down the street shouting no at random men and saying that I'm doing Tinder. It's almost like they've rushed this out to distract us from something else. They've been testing the app on the Isle of Wight, haven't they?

But it is sort of not inspiring that it's not even working in that tiny island community and then, you know, they're expecting to roll it out. Wasn't there a massive data breach as well early on? Yeah. With the contact tracers themselves, with the training, they lost a load of their email addresses, I think. I think we just go back to bingo dabbers.

And if you've got COVID, you just dab somebody beside you with a bingo dabber and we all know who we are. I just want to get back to hairdressers. My hair's looking such a mess. Boris is starting to take it as a vote of confidence. Well, the hairdressers are desperate to get back to work and it's not just

because they're losing out financially. I think they are looking at all of us and going, oh my God, those roots, you know, it's a humanitarian act. Look at the kitchen scissors down. But what are they going to ask us when we go back to the hairdressers? So are you going anywhere nice on your holidays? Oh, probably not, no. And Rishi Sunak was talking about Nando's opening.

Oh, yes. Oh, and Nando's, it's the good news we've all been waiting for. Slightly misjudged when the Chancellor says that. That's what we're all waiting for. The day he said it, yeah. We're not waiting. Peri-peri chicken and receipts

that are far too large for any reason. That's what we're all waiting for, rather than good coronavirus numbers. This is the news that a test and trace system has been implemented in England ahead of lockdown easing that will come gradually over the next few weeks. Boris Johnson said they will employ whack-a-mole tactics to minimise further outbreaks, while Scotland is expected to announce their hoopla approach and from early June, Wales is expected to go full splatter rat. Two points

to Zoe. Lucy, have a listen to this. Please stop your lying, girl and speak the truth. If you don't love that girl, believe me, you don't. Lucy, whose lies are being

detected? This is the fact that Twitter have finally started fact-checking Donald Trump's tweets, which is a great example, probably the best ever example, of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. It's been such a long time coming. The horse hasn't just bolted, it's moved to another stable, bolted from that one, met a lovely mare mare had a foal watched the foal grow up and go to horse university i mean you know we've all been

saying for ages something has to be done about trump's tweets and so what they've done is now if trump tweets something that's a little bit stretching the truth and they pop a little exclamation mark on it uh which gives you a link to other sites which may have some more factual information it's a shame it's just a little exclamation mark i thought it'd be quite nice if it was the you know the noise from family fortune to that or just a touch or maybe being the internet just a picture of a really angry cat or something or just somebody just slapping their forehead. Yes, just a picture of Barack Obama looking appealing and wry and disappointed. So he did some tweets about postal ballots saying that they were a great source of dishonesty and cheating. And then Twitter put on a thing saying, actually, you want to go and check this out?

It's bizarre, isn't it? Because Trump uses Twitter like it's his major tool. It's his only thing. It's his weapon of defence and attack and all bizarre, isn't it? Because Trump uses Twitter like it's his major tool. It's his only thing. It's his weapon of defence and attack and all sorts, isn't it? You know, somebody says something about him, he'll go straight on to Twitter and then a number of characters just go, that's total nut. You know, if you remove Twitter, what has he got? And it's basically crayons and fuzzy felt. Well, it is on the toilet that he tweets a lot, isn't it? And you think, well, what's he going to do? He's not going to do a Sudoku, is he?

He's not going to do the Telegraph Tuffy, you know? Are Twitter playing into his hands a bit in giving him something to distract from the awful handling of the coronavirus crisis in America? It does make me think, where have these fact-checkers been? Like, have they just been having the mother of all naps for the last five years? There is a sense of humour about this for Twitter because the link takes you to a CNN report. And of course,

if there's one thing that Trump hates more than anything else, it's CNN. And I thought that was quite classy of Twitter, to be honest, that really rubbed his face in it by using CNN against him. But it makes not the slightest bit of difference because the people who believe Trump will keep believing him and the people who don't will keep not believing him. And that's it with a picture on Twitter to boot now. The only thing that's entertaining about Trump, if you can just separate yourself from the nonsense that he spews, is watching him do a solo run and then watching the other people in the

cabinet pretend they knew that that's what he was going to do. So he continually does this. He goes, I've signed an executive order against social media and then they interview somebody else in the cabinet and they have to go, oh no, we knew he was going to do that, absolutely. Oh no, we knew that was going to happen. It's like when your missus or your husband makes an excuse to your neighbour

so you don't have to go to some event they're planning, but forgets to tell you and then you bump into your neighbour and you have to play Guess My Itinerary for next weekend. And Biden is just riding high in the polls now by doing nothing.

And he's got a mask on and he looks good in the mask because without the mask, he just looks like a man playing a president in a bad film. Like one of the later police academies. That's what he looks good in the mask because without the mask he just looks like a man playing a president in a bad film like one of the later police academies. That's what he looks like. He looks amazing with the mask because it's like the black

mask and then the shades. He looks like a cross between like a ninja and the Terminator and it is the best he's ever looked. Definitely. Does anybody else get a surprise when Biden turns around and he doesn't have a ponytail? I always expect him to have a ponytail. But the idea that Trump is even politicising

wearing a mask, like that's part of the culture wars now. Like he mocked a reporter for wearing a mask saying, oh, you just want to be politically correct. That's how the virus works. It's not a cloth barrier to your airways that stops the virus. It's your liberal sensibilities that stops you getting the virus.

It is nuts, isn't it? He's obviously got a problem with the fact that he doesn't feel like the mask gives him the kind of sense of leadership or command. And it is that sort of... People have said, oh, it's fragile masculinity. And that's why he won't wear one. But I sort of think it might be because, like me, he finds it smudges his foundation. This is the news that Trump has threatened to shut down Twitter after they put a fact-check warning under one of his tweets.

Personally, I'd like him to start by shutting down MySpace as there's still some embarrassing photos on there and I've long forgotten my password. Two points to Lucy. And at the end of round one, Zoe and Neil have two points, Lucy and Anand have four. Before we start round two, we've been sent this cutting

from the Daily Telegraph and it's about my hometown of Brighton and it says, a Brighton and Hove Council spokeswoman said, the bars are open for takeaway but there are no public lavatories open which creates its own problems. This weekend we will be encouraging visitors to spread out and make use

of the long stretches of beach available and thank you to all the people who sent that in. Neil, have a listen to this. The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised, will not be televised, will not be televised. Neil, which national anthem is causing national problems? Ah, yes, this is the story about people who are protesting in Hong Kong about the proposed introduction of a law that would make it illegal

to disrespect the Chinese National Anthem. So you couldn't boo the National Anthem, you couldn't change the words, you can't sing it in a disrespectful way. Basically the sex pistols would be a disaster in modern Hong Kong if this is passed. And I mean I've listened to the Chinese national anthem

and it's a banger. It's an absolute banger, I have to admit. But I mean, I love all the Chinese communist music of all the albums. I love them all.

Cultural Revolution 1 and 2 and Mao, that's what I call music. That's my big one, I'm afraid. So some people in Hong Kong are kind of worried that this,

along with other Beijing laws that they're trying to push through, this is the Hong Kong authority that's trying to push this one through, but are kind of worried that this along with other Beijing laws that they're trying to push through this is the Hong Kong authority that's trying to push this one through but they're fairly worried that this represents a further erosion of democratic rights

and it's a slippery slope towards a police state a surveillance state and they're worried understandably and Mike Pompeo has wrote in as well who's obviously

the US Secretary of State and he has said that there isn't sufficient distance between China and Hong Kong. I think it's, well I know it's not necessarily based on the National Anthem Law but more based on the proposed security bill that Beijing is going to superimpose on Hong Kong which would allow them to have Chinese intelligence agencies working in Hong Kong. Chinese intelligence agencies working in Hong Kong. They've been there undercover apparently for years, but now they get their own office pretty much.

And it has made treason, sedition and splittism, when it goes through, it'll make all of those illegal, even though it hasn't defined what those are. I mean, Hong Kong has a policy, doesn't it, that's dubbed one country, two systems, which means that while they're strictly part of the mainland, they can effectively act as they please. Pompeo also said in the most politically naive thing thing I think I've heard in a long time,

that the US hoped that a free and prosperous Hong Kong would provide a model for authoritarian China. Yeah, and I thought when Adam Lambert joined Queen, they'd start playing his music, not Bohemian Rhapsody. I don't think that's how it works. It's just nice to see that they've bounced back from coronavirus and got straight back to the business of state oppression that they do so well.

Well, that's what Xi Jinping said, didn't he? He's urged his army to increase its preparedness for armed combat. And I'm like, who is looking out their window at the world now and going, do you know what this needs? A war. Yes. Apparently it's from the film or features in the film Children for the Troubled Times. So at least you have to kind of respect their ability

to go for that song and not pick a better song from a better film. Like who wouldn't when they're getting their Olympic medal and their flag is raised, who wouldn't want to hear I've had the time of my life. That would be amazing. This is the news that protests are continuing in Hong Kong against the Chinese government's impending implementation

of anti-sedition laws. They say the protests are fuelled by anti-mainland sentiment. If you're unsure what anti-mainland sentiment is, just ask anyone in the Isle of Wight what they think of Matt Hancock. Two points to Neil. Who has been horsing about in Leicestershire? Royal horses. They are royal horses. They've been

furloughed. They have been furloughed. Because they're not going to be used this summer because a trip in the colour is out and all of the big horsey events are out. So they've been furloughed to a farm in Milton Mowbray. Now, if I was a furloughed horse and I'd been sent off to Milton Mowbray. Now, if I was a furloughed horse

and I'd been sent off to Milton Mowbray, which is famous for making pies, it would be with great reluctance that I'd be packing my little suitcase for the summer. If the groom does advert to Thomas, you're going to the farm. Now, stop it, everybody. I think it's lovely that they're being sent to live on a farm

and I think that they're going to finally get to meet both my childhood dogs, which are definitely still alive and living there. Yes, they are, Angela. They absolutely are. These horses get a summer holiday every year, apparently. They go to Norfolk every year for six weeks, which is, you just think, God, they've got a better bloody existence than I do. These are performance horses, right? So all of us,

we haven't done live gigs in ages. So presumably we're a bit rusty when we go back. You're going to fluff a couple of words, you're going to forget some routines. Like, if these are all furloughed for a long time, the next Trooping of the Colour may be the most entertaining Trooping of the Colour there's ever been. I was

reading about these military horses they're brilliant and i said that one of them is always a dominant figure and i really like the idea that the really dominant one if any of the other horses offend him then they'll wake up with the head of an old italian gangster in their bed i'm a working class girl do you know i mean the horses baffle me i because your relationship with horses defines what class you are doesn't it like if you ride them or if you bet on them that's the how you can tell isn't it there is a small loophole in the middle of that which is horses at funerals where they make them dress like strippers oh yes with the feather bower on the head who thought of that who thought this is a very sad occasion how how should we dress the horses? Ooh, feather

plumes and leather straps, that's the vibe we're looking for. This is the news that 250 horses from the household cavalry have been relaxing on a farm in Leicestershire. Many of the horses are Irish Draft Cross Thoroughbreds, which was also the casting call for Paul Mescal's part

in Normal People. Two points to Lucy. Before we take a look at the final scores, have you guys looked at the news story about the couple who are living it up in an 800-year-old Irish castle for lockdown? Oh, yeah. This is a couple, Laura Jameson and Michael Smith. They work at Ashford Castle,

which is a five-star hotel in County Mayo. And without any guests, they have been given the run of the place, basically, as long as they remember to clean the rooms and flush the loos every now and then. I think I'd find it a little bit like The Shining. You'd always be looking at your partner going, are they going to go a bit Jack Nicholson any second now?

You would under your breath just whisper Red Room, Red Room. I think there's a really simple secret to a happy lockdown, which is to live next door to people with young children. Not having yeah, cool. I think there's a really simple secret to a happy lockdown, which is to live next door to people with young children, not having young children yourself. I mean, we do, and we have every week, my partner and I, have an over-the-fence drink with our neighbours.

We love our neighbours, they're lovely people, but we're charting their descent into madness. They've got three youngest children, and every time we finish this drink, we basically high-five each other and go, Christ, our lockdown's fantastic. That brings us to the end of the show and the final scores are ananda lucy have six zoe and neil also have six it is a draw thank you to our excellent panel and to you the listeners for joining us and we'll

leave you with this bbc listing spotted by dominic mcchesney on Bank Holiday Monday. 15.30 to 17.00 BBC News Special. Boris Johnson's most senior advisor to take questions in Number 10's Rose Garden as anger continues to grow. 17.00 Garden Rescue. And with that, goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Neil Delamere, Zoe Lyons, Arnon Menon and Lucy Porter. In the chair was Angela Barnes and the news was read by me, Corrie Caulfield. The chair's script was written by Ed Anston, Tom Coles and Laura Major,

with additional material from Charlie Dinkin, Cameron Loxdale and Hannah Platt. The producer was Susie Grant and it was a BBC Studios production. And it was a BBC Studios production. Hi, my name's Jarvis Cocker and I'm here to tell you about Wireless Nights, a nocturnal investigation into the human condition. A collection of stories about the night and the people who come alive after dark. From nightclubs to night rail,

from the man in the moon to the land of the midnight sun, join me and discover a different kind of nightlife. All episodes now available on the BBC Sounds app.