Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - NEWS QUIZ: Conspiracies, Weddings, a Long Walk and Some Moos

Episode Date: April 17, 2020

Angela Barnes welcomes Helen Lewis, Mark Steel, Desiree Burch and Kerry Godliman.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hi, I'm Catherine Bowhart. And I'm Sarah Keyworth. We're here to tell you about our podcast, You'll Do. We're comedians separately and a couple together, and basically we're just sick and tired of the same old relationships

we see on TV, rom-coms and social media. So we're chatting to fellow comedians and fellow couples to go beyond the identikit image of romantic relationships and discover the how and why we stick with the people we love. So come over, take a listen and subscribe to You'll Do on BBC Sounds. Hello, I'm Angela Barnes, the brand new host of the News Quiz. Welcome to the Friday Night Comedy podcast. Now, you might notice that things are a bit different this series. For instance, instead of recording in the beautiful BBC Radio Theatre, we're all dialling

in from our own homes. And instead of just focusing on the news, we're also putting out an exclusive remix of children shouting, dogs barking and my next door neighbour's 24 hour ambient techno playlist. Give the people what they want. So wherever you are, take a minute to sit back, relax and enjoy. Welcome to the News Quiz with your host, Angela Barnes. Hello and welcome to the News Quiz with your host, Angela Barnes. Hello and welcome to the News Quiz. Well, I won't lie, I didn't expect to be chairing Radio 4's flagship topical comedy panel show via a video call from a duvet fort in my living room,

but then I also imagined I'd have trousers on. It is indeed a brave new world. So I wanted to start this week by saying that this both will be the News Quiz as we know and love it, and it won't be the News Quiz as we know and love it. A sort of Schrodinger's News Quiz, if you like, which would also explain why this cat is in this box. Only joking, I don't have a cat. If I wanted something in my house that demanded food and didn't respect me, I'd have had kids. Here at News Quiz, we aren't going to pretend that this pandemic isn't happening, but we are going to try and have a giggle in the face of adversity, because that's what makes us human. So let's start, as we always

do, with a cutting. And this one's a notice from the Denham Village Scotland Facebook group, read by Neil Sleet. Has anyone found a hearing aid on the green? If you come across one, please give me a shout. Thanks to Neil Russell for sending that in. Now, let's meet the teams. Usually at this point, I'd say on my right we have, but on my right right now is an empty comfort tub of Haagen-Dazs. So instead of coming from their respective homes, we have in Team A, Desiree Birch and Kerry Godliman. And in Team B, it's Helen Lewis and Mark Steele.

So we're obviously not in the radio theatre. We're in our respective houses. I'm in my front room. Sorry, this is Radio 4, isn't it? I mean, drawing room. Where are you sitting right now, Helen Lewis? I'm in my, yeah, I'm in my room room, which is just a room. I only have the one.

I live in London. I only have a room. I don't have a, you know, a morning room, a conservatory, all that. in london i only have a room i don't have a you know a morning room like a conservatory all that nope just a room just in the room kerry godliman i'm in the box room i was gonna say you look like you're in a box room is that have you been banished i'm least likely to be disturbed in here by family and whoever else might drift in no one else would come in the house would they in these circumstances if they have i'll have to phone the house, would they, in these circumstances? If they have, I'll have to phone the police. It would be my duty to do so. Mark Steele, where are you joining us from?

I'm on me settee. I've got to go out for some frozen peas at some point. I think I might save it up until next Monday as a treat. That's my big day out. Oh, careful. Don't overdo it, mate. Desiree Birch, where are you joining us from? I am joining you from my bedroom, the most sound dampened room in my place, mostly because it's covered in piles of laundry. The clean right next to the dirty because I like to live on the edge. So we'll see how it goes.

Well, now we've had a glimpse into your horrifying lives. Let's crack on with the show. Desiree, who is refusing to pay who? show. Desiree, who is refusing to pay who? Oh, OK. So this is the horrendous news that Trump has decided that the USA, the WHO's largest funder, is going to take away nearly half a billion dollars in funding because he's accusing the organization of severely mismanaging and covering up the threat of coronavirus, which, of course, he's mad about because it stole ratings from him severely mismanaging and covering up the coronavirus. And we all know he's doing this in America because, one, he just released those $1,200 stimulus checks with his EKG meter of a signature on them. And because he signed them personally, we all know they're going to bounce. So he definitely needs the extra cash. And it's interesting because I'm sure like he just

got mixed up with the acronyms, like he's defunding the WHO, but I think he just thought it was WHO because he honestly hasn't been into Dr. Who since she became a woman a few years back. And the thing is, it's $400 million. Like we're the WHO's biggest funder. And we're followed by after that by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and then Britain are the next biggest funders, right? The problem with this is that you know it's going to be made up for by other countries and other billionaires, right? This is really how the billionaires take over. Like if you think about it, Mike Bloomberg spent $400 million more than that on his last presidential bid. He should have just bided his time because president of all of health right now,

like he would be swinging in power right now if he just waited it out. And I think if someone like Mark Zuckerberg like plays his cards right, he can make sure that all of the vaccines that come out in a year have personalized ad trackers built into them. So like, we don't have to take any quizzes on Facebook

that say, do you have IBS? Take this quiz and find out. It'll be like, you definitely have IBS. We've already sent you the charcoal wind remover pill so that you still have friends at the end of this so we can track their movements online too. When I read this story, I did think like before we judged Trump, maybe he's just doing what we're all doing at the moment, you know, trying to decrease our outgoings. Like I started by cancelling my gym membership and HelloFresh. That was like the first thing I did. I think it's terrifying. It's just like, he clearly hasn't got a clue and he's it's like the virus is so

clever it's waited until he's in charge before coming out thinking we'll be able to pull the whole world off with this moron running everything it's just terrifying and he stayed there and the scientists come on every day and say what they're gonna say and then he comes on and says no that's all rubbish a malaria tablet does work. Chocolate obnobs are a cure. Orange juice, stick a cactus up your bottom. It's just bonkers. What's terrifying as well, though, is the confidence with which he's saying.

People are swept along with it and people will still vote for him, you know, because he does it with such confidence. It's hard not to go along with it. It's like, yeah, fine, defund the World Health Organization. Give the horse of a jazzle, whatever, do it. And I mean, he's pretty much relying on trying to shift the blame, obviously, so that he can get reelected in November. Like he doesn't care if he kills all of his base before we actually get to November by defunding the WHO. Also, like the WHO doesn't have enough money to do what it does. Like it's the middleman for all of these pandemics, all these global crises. Like its aim, it says, is to get one billion people on Earth health care with a budget of six billion dollars, which is six bucks a person. Right. Tiger King Joe Exotics, three straight husbands, counselling or dental veneers. Like, that's not enough money to do anything.

So, like, we shouldn't be taking away funding. We need to add it desperately. It's three packets of Neurofin each. Write it out. Have you been watching his press conferences? Like, they're quite compelling to watch, aren't they? I mean, I know I've been inside for a long time, so I watched one the other day and I found myself getting jealous of his tan.

He does seem to talk about the coronavirus as if it's some sort of despot leader that he's trying to negotiate with. You know, I think it's only a matter of time before he invites the virus round to Mar-a-Lago for dinner. I like his negotiating with it. Some sports activities are back on, aren't they, in America? Well, this is in Florida, isn't it?

Have you seen how Florida is coping with lockdown? Isn't everything in America that's weird in Florida? Yes, it is. I mean, you say some sports. Like, real sports are not back on. There's no basketball. There's no football. What there is is WWE wrestling.

That's back on. Isn't golf on? Oh, yeah. That's also true. Well, like, yeah, so basically all the golfers are upset because the golf clubs have been closed, but they're like, well, that's our exercise, and

you know, it's socially distanced as possible. And I guess if, you know, Trump loves golf, right? He owns golf courses. If it's anything that he's involved in, and it's a sport that he plays, we can guarantee that it's definitely socially distanced, right? Why doesn't jousting come back? Yeah, plenty of covering up, right?

Oh, yeah, Bruce Moore could be up for that, wouldn't he? Yes. But in America, that would just be a duel because we don't have swords. We just go to guns and then the sport would end really quickly. So that's right. I'm struggling with the lack of sport. Can't we have sort of things?

What about like athletics, but all the athletes go one at a time or something or i i think they should keep wwe wrestling going but i think like all the rest of us they should have to do it in their own homes like watch them systematically destroying everything in their house like a sort of reverse changing rooms i quite fancy that i feel like with some regulations that could carry on because like you know now the wrestling is going to be fun if the fighters have to be two meters apart because obviously the sport will just become 40 minutes of trash talk and then two oiled up muscle queens getting increasingly frustrated that they can't touch each other

anymore welcome to my house during lockdown have you seen in florida as well the judge who uh asked for lawyers to get dressed up more to get dressed for their zoom meetings there's no way that'd happen in the uk is there because there's no way a barrister's pajamas is going to be any more embarrassing what they actually have to wear in this country i can't see everybody going back to sartorial life as they did before it's all over now i mean turning your pants inside out is a laundry isn't it that's yeah i haven't worn anything without an elasticated waist for at least three weeks and i i think jeans are a thing of the past now that yeah jeans are dead this is the news that donald Trump has announced this week.

He would be removing the US funding from the World Health Organisation despite being in the middle of a global pandemic in a move akin to slashing his own tyres to punish a car that he just drove into a lake. Two points to Desiree. Kerry, have a listen to this. I would walk by 100 miles And I would walk by 100 miles Kerry. Listen to this.

Kerry, who's taking a victory lap? This story is about a 99-year-old war veteran, isn't it? Captain Moore. It is indeed. Captain Tom Moore. And it is a very heartwarming story in this climate. And he's raised millions for the NHS by doing sponsored laps of his garden. It's not really a good advert, is it,

for how we're funding the NHS, this story? If we need a really old man to do a sponsored walk, we might look at how we're financing our health service. Once all this is finished, you can sort of know what sort of funding you need. So if it's a summer and it's all right and then Captain Tom Moore can just walk around a couple of hundred times around the garden. Then when it's winter and we need a bit more financing, he can, well, he can put a bit of a trot on and go a bit quicker.

Yeah. We need to extra x-ray machines quicker. Get out there. I mean, the WHO needs 400 million right now. How big is that back garden? Can you do a marathon in it? You can see why the media have run with this story, because it's meant to inspire sort of national unity and morale.

But I think they might have sussed out that it is embarrassing for a developed state to have to resort to this. So there have been sightings of Dominic Raab's team in the Bedford area carrying a man-sized net and gaffer tape. And it's funny, isn't it, because the NHS is everyone's favourite. You don't get anyone doing a fun run for the Department of Work and Pensions, do you? We might now. I do think, like, God love him,

and I really think it's amazing what he's done. But I do, part of me's like, stop showing us all up, mate. I know. I've been to the kitchen in a week. Do you know what I mean? Also, it's got a tiny bit of lockdown shaming isn't it like he's clearly smashing his lockdown because i was doing all right i was quite happy just getting into embroidery and now i feel like unless i create something like the bayo tapestry

by sunday i've i've let the notion down well it's a missed opportunity for all i all of us you know i've been doing that joe wicks workout for free like a mug. I can't do the Joe Wicks workout anymore. I did it for about 10 minutes the other day and had to sit in a dark room listening to Adele to find my happy place again.

I couldn't lift my arms. Is it bad that when I first saw this story on the news about him marching around his garden, my main thought was I was just really jealous of his garden.

Is that his house or is that a game? And also, I mean, I probably should point out about him marching around his garden, my main thought was that I was just really jealous of his garden. Yeah. Is that his house or is that a cave? And also, I mean, I probably should point out to anyone under 30 listening, a garden is what people used to have behind their houses, which they owned, right? A personal park, you know, without other people. This is 99-year-old Captain Tom Moore, who's raised over £18 million for the NHS by doing laps of his garden. I was quite shocked at first because in my house, 100 laps around the garden in Bedfordshire means something very rude indeed.

Two points to Kerry. Right, this is a question for everybody. Who is saying, I don't? Almost no one, because wedding rates have fallen. And the best thing about this story is not only are just a few people getting married, but people are waiting until they're really quite old now to get married. The average age for men was 38 and for women it was 35. All right, mate, I just want to point out at this point,

I'm getting married next year when I will be 45. Yes, yes, yes, yes, I love it. Thank you very much. And know, I just feel, and it's my first wedding. The amount of people, we've been planning a wedding, the amount of people who have assumed it's my second wedding. Damn it. Well, I mean, who can afford to get married anymore? Aside from the cost of the thing itself, like how can you afford to take on half of somebody else's debt at this time in your life? No generations can do that. Like when you fall in love with someone you don't think oh one day i hope to

live to take on half of their top shop clarna spending habit that i you know like i to half of that student debt in the ethics degree that they got that never was going to pay off and we all could have predicted that are you having a big wedding angela god no no they say the average wedding costs 20 000 pounds which is absolute if i've spent twenty thousand pounds on something i want to be able to drive away in it do you know what i mean i can't and no i'm not having a big wedding and this is um the story that apparently young heterosexual people aren't getting married at the rate that they used to i think this is great i if anything, this is moving towards our UN-mandated goal of eradicating Hindus, and I'm all for it. Yes. And it's just for the straight couples, the numbers are going down, the gay couple marriages are going up,

because obviously they're still in the honeymoon phase of being able to get married in the first place. And also, for once, they get to enjoy a trend that they did not have to invent themselves. I never thought I would get married, because, you know, I always had that, oh, it's an archaic tradition, it treats women like little more than cattle. But then I weighed it up and I thought bloody massive cake. So I'll give you a cake. It swings around about Angela. I'll give you a cake without getting married.

Yeah, but then it's filled with guilt as well. Like, you know, it's righteous cake when you're married. Can anyone see the woman who lost her battle with the sun about who she wasn't married to? Is this the chandelier woman? This is Amanda Liberty, a woman in her mid-thirties who apparently is in love with a chandelier. She's only human.

Exactly. I have been very transfixed by some lamps in John Lewis before now. Isn't the weirdest thing about it the fact that her surname is Liberty because she was previously in a relationship with the Statue of Liberty? Yes, apparently.

I mean, apparently they've now split up, but she does still carry a torch. Oh, yes. Come on. Yes. Come on. Or was it that chandelier

that fell down in Only Fools and Horses when... Oh, imagine for her, that must have when... Oh, I imagine for her, that must have been like watching Watership Down for her, mustn't it? Poor love. Apparently she identifies as an objectum sexual,

which I think is a Harry Potter spell. I can only dream of a chandelier. I went out with a candle for three years. Several weeks ago, we would have really made fun of this woman. But after three weeks of lockdown, I think falling in love with inanimate objects is probably something a lot of us can identify with right now, right?

I'm in a polyamorous relationship with my vape and a jar of Nutella right now. So I'm all about it. This is the news that according to ONS figures released this week, the number of heterosexual weddings have gone down. Of course, millennials can no longer afford big weddings.

Their weddings are more sort of something borrowed, something borrowed, something borrowed, and something borrowed. That's two points to everyone. So that brings us to the end of round one, at which point Desiree and Kerry have six points. Mark and Helen have two

now before we start round two we have been sent this from Portsmouth News which reads the ferry service to Hailing Island has been suspended over virus concerns the skipper said it was important to remain calm and we're all in the same boat

thank you to Gary Dobbiton for sending that in okay Helen have a listen to this. Helen, who is looking for the exit? Pretty much everybody at this point, but particularly the government who are being pressured to publish their plan for how we get out of lockdown. Keir Starmer, the new leader of the opposition, is very keen that they should give us some indication of what will finally trigger us this endless hellscape to be over. But there's been like a weird series of plans. You know, one of the ideas is we might have a regional lockdown, so London might have to stay locked

down longer than everyone else, which would obviously please the rest of the country which hates London and wants us to be unhappy um everyone in Brighton like just cheering basically at that point and then the other weird idea is that everybody um aged 20 to 30 who doesn't live with their parents could get out first which I was thinking about and I thought god that's gonna be like Logan's run and then I thought unfortunately knowing what Logan's run is means I don't get to leave the house I'm so glad you said that because I was like, I don't know what she's talking about I just suddenly thought

you know all those really over eager police forces who've been basically out sniping people because they've lingered for one minute having a cigarette on the corner they can kind of go round and do spot checks and kind of like show a picture of H from steps to people and if you show a flicker of recognition that's it the drone gets you they're gonna absolutely love enforcing this i do think i do think the problem with kirsten are asking them to reveal a lockdown

exit strategy is that it assumes they've got one you know it's a bit like asking me to reveal my abs exactly asking for more transparency i'm like i used to be a children's entertainer and i used to do it on on a morning and have a hangover and i'd say to the party at the beginning in the spirit of transparency i've got a hangover so now we're going to play a game called everybody lie on the floor and shut their eyes and the winner is the last one to move or talk that is how i approach transparency that's dominic rob you're there yeah we are see that's him i think this thing like and kirsten they're all doing it and the journalists will do it now is not the time to criticize what peculiar outlook that is. Now is the time

when we should ask questions about the Battle of Hastings and what went wrong there. People saying we shouldn't hold governments to account are the same people that think now is a good time to have a protracted inquiry into the World Health Organisation.

Yes, exactly. God, they're so bad. Matt Hancock said at one point he said that the reason that the nurses haven't got the protective equipment is because they're using it too quickly so it was therefore all right so why not go in and tell all these other medical people what they're doing wrong as well go oh what are you doing with that liver transplant you're're using up too many anodines. It's just... And the care badge, you see these badges he's got. We can't get you any protective equipment, but we have got these badges. And next week, if you're really, really good,

we're going to give you a beer mat with an angel on it. But the problem all stems from the fact they just don't want to tell anybody that they don't have, as you say, a plan. And it might all go on until the end of next year. And literally no one wants to hear that. Kit Starmer has said that this is to maintain morale, right? That we need to know what's coming next.

But surely that's only going to maintain morale if what's coming next is good. Yeah. You know, it's not going to help, is it? If what's next is that all your firstborns are going to be shot out of a cannon as a sacrifice to the plague gods. I think I can do without knowing that.

Although, like, there is an argument to be made for like it is better to know like you know when you're waiting for a train or a bus and it says do and then it says 35 minutes all of a sudden and you want to kill people but then you're just like okay i'll make other plans like even though it's terrible it's just nice to know and not be going slightly crazy you know i mean it's not going to end overnight is it i think they are going to have to end this lockdown in stages. Like, particularly for single people, they'll have to be let out in stages. Otherwise, if you release them all at once,

they're going to have to turn NHS Nightingale into a maternity ward. This is sort of the first major act that Keir Starmer's done as leader of the Labour Party, isn't it? What do we think of it? I mean, this is the first time News Quiz has been on air since Keir Starmer's done as leader of the Labour Party, isn't it? What do we think of it? I mean, this is the first time News Quiz has been on air since Keir Starmer's become leader of the Labour Party. Yeah, also he did get that big leaked report

on the Labour anti-Semitism scandal right in his first week as leader, which is a bit like someone leaving a huge dog turd on your doorstep, ringing the bell and running away. It is. It isn't great to have to start a new job with an investigation focusing on your far-left predecessor, away. It is. It's not, it isn't great to have to start a new job with an investigation focusing on your far left predecessor, but you know, factional hostility towards Nish Kumar has to be addressed. And this is the news that Labour leader Keir Starmer has asked the government to

lay a clear exit strategy for the current lockdown. Experts claim that talking about an exit strategy before the virus reaches its peak may confuse the public, who, to be fair, have only just got their head around how to spell furlough. Two points to Helen. Mark, have a listen to this. Mark, who has a conspiracy theory? Oh, there's a conspiracy theory for every news story.

And this one now is that these people go, yes, well, I mean, there's these 5G people, right? And they've been set up by the Chinese and they've caused the virus and they're making us cough and there isn't any virus and everyone's in on it and all the people who've had it are all just actors and they're all just spitting and coughing and they've all been told to do it by the Chinese minister of something and and they're mad and they're putting and they're burning down masks and now the fact that I've said they're mad probably means that they'll come around here and say he's in on it. And it's just, yes, I am. Oh,

but there's, I don't know. It's, this is just throwing up all sorts of people that just science to them is just all part of the conspiracy. I think some of the old people are, there's a bloke at the co-op when I went there on my weekly shop and he was sat outside there going, it's all made up. You know, he's all made up,

he's telling everyone as they're queuing. In the old days, we were all right. He said, this is true, he said, when I was a kid, my mum sent me to school with chicken pox. I didn't care. That's not the same, you stupid old dingbat. There was one bloke I heard. I heard him on the radio on a phone in

and he went, I'm 83. I run a market stall. I don't see why I can't still go down there at a market stall. I'm fine. Look at me. And I thought, there's something about the way diseases work you haven't quite grasped. You are generally fine with a disease right

up until the point when you get it. Before you've got it, you're generally fine. You are generally fine with a disease right up until the point when you get it. Before you've got it, you're generally fine. There are very few diseases that are so bad that they make you ill before you've even got it. Who had to apologise this week? Eamon Holmes did this

really weird thing that everybody does now where he says, well, the thing is, you know, maybe the mainstream media doesn't want you to know about it. And kind of thought you're on itv's flagship his wife going shut up they pay the bills what does he think mainstream me that's like me condemning female comedians from kent with red hair for not showering more regularly like what was there a conspiracy theory around the other g's the 2G and the 3G and the 4G? They should have hung on for 666G. Then it would have been a bit more... I do wonder that.

Like, what makes 5G so bad? Were the others bad? We just didn't know. Like, 1 to 3G gave you bad morning breath. 4G was IBS. 5G, global pandemic. Is that how it works? Did you hear what Kellyanne Conway said,

the ex-press advisor for Trump, when she had to go at the World Health Organization for their poor response because, and this is a quote, she said, this is COVID-19, not COVID-1. Not realizing there that it's been named after the year it was discovered, not that it's the 19th. Well, that's like saying, why isn't WD-40 better? They had 39 goes at it before now. You know. This is so based on the fact we just don't understand loads of stuff about the modern world. I was doing a TV thing once about 5G

and I suddenly realised before I went on air, what does the G stand for? Oh, God. Absolutely zero idea. It stands for global pandemic. This is the news that conspiracy theorists have been destroying 5G masts because they believe they are connected to the coronavirus. Now, the problem with these 5G conspiracies is they're just not wacky enough.

I say bring back the Queens of Lizard or Paul McCartney died in 1966 or the news quiz is a front for the Illuminati. Oh, no, wait, crap, forget I said that last one. Two points to mark. Before we take a look for the Illuminati. Oh, no, wait, crap, forget I said that last one. Two points to mark. Before we take a look at the final scores, has anybody heard about what they've been up to in Belper, in Derbyshire? Oh, they're moving.

What haven't they been up to? Let's have a listen. Listen now, the American movie. Moo! Yeah. It is the most British thing ever. You have to be told how to moo and when to moo. People aren't allowed to just freestyle moo willy-nilly.

Now, I think as this goes out live, first of all, on a Friday evening, and the Archers has been cancelled on Friday evenings for the global pandemic, I think we should all do the mooing together and really get the hopes up for Archers listeners. Only to be dashed when at seven o'clock the Archers doesn't happen. Count us in then, Angela.

Count us in. Okay, you ready? One, two, three. Moo! See how we just knew how to do it without being told? Yeah. See how we just knew how to do it without being told? Well, I really like the thought that in Belper,

the local cows at 6.30 get together and do impressions of Belper residents. Every night at 6.30, they're leaning out of their shed saying, I'm just popping out for my state-mandated exercise. So that brings us to the end of the News Quiz. And the final scores are Desiree and Kerry have six. Mark and Helen also have six. Thanks to the panel. Ah, friendship. And to you, the listeners at home,

if you have a story to share with us, do send us an email at newsquiz at bbc.co.uk. And with that, do send us an email at newsquiz at bbc.co.uk. And with that, goodbye! Taking part in the News Quiz were Desiree Birch, Kerry Godleman, Helen Lewis and Mark Steele. In the chair was Angela Barnes and the news was read by me, Neil Sleet. The chair's script was written by Ed Amsden, Catherine Brinkworth and Tom Coles, with additional material from Charlie Dinkin and Zoe Tomlin. The writers' room dogs were Tina and Louis. The producer was Susie Grant Thank you. Caster's Jake Yap, John Holmes, Salma Shah and Nat Tapley drop in on comedians who simply have nothing better to do than talk to us over

their shonky internet connections. In my kitchen, I have to be quite close to my daughter. It's quite hard. Here is Miranda's guide. It's in a grey colour. I want to say slate. Can I say slate? No. I'll say it all again. Don't worry. Now wash your hands. A warm

we're all in it together cast, hooking everyone up, not in a Tinder way, social distancing across the nation. Subscribe on BBC Sounds.