Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over - 19th August

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

What happens when the Prime Minister suddenly stops being prime minister? One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'"I can't just disappear like Gordon Brown. They say he barely gets out of bed now. Just sits there doing word searches and eating Kit Kat Chunkies. Miserable. I hate the chunky ones." Former British Prime Minister Henry TobinThis week, Henry receives an unwanted family visit.Starring Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Sidi, Justin Edwards and Ruth Bratt.Written by Paul Doolan and Jon Hunter Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound recordist and designer: David ThomasA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. I always knew you'd be back at 10 Downing Street someday, sir, where you belong. Thank you, Natalie. Although all things considered, I think I'd rather be in office than sneaking in via the side entrance like a criminal or Peter Mandelson.

I wonder what Ian Andrews wants. He was very vague in the email. It'll be something embarrassing. He's about the only person left who's still loyal to the Prime Minister. It's almost sad. I'm only really going so I can laugh in his face. You'd never catch me sticking by a political failure like that, sir. I'm quite the fan these days.

Thanks to him selling the British security services to that Saudi tech firm, I'm getting loads of great new equipment. I've got this pen with the built-in recording equipment. Makes me feel like James Bond. And this pepper spray is illegal on three continents. I've been having it on my chicken wraps.

It really adds a bit of spice, you know. So how does it work? Well, all you've got to do is just... Oh, my eyes! It's going to my eyes! Oh, it's like Roger Moore's in the room. After you, sir. Thank you. Oh, there's a lot Moore's in the room. After you, sir. Thank you.

Oh, there's a lot of portraits up these stairs. Yep, portraits of everyone who has ever held the Grand Office of Prime Minister. I can't see one of you. Yes, well, I didn't quite have time to sit for a portrait, what with everything else I was doing at the time. What, like getting 649 letters of no confidence? Yes, James. You know what? I could lend them one9 letters of no confidence. Yes, Jones? You know what? I could lend them one of my portraits of you.

Though I'm genuinely terrified to ask, Natalie. I feel it must be done. How many portraits of me do you have? Oh, just a normal amount. Four or five, a dozen. And then there's the statue. Here we are. The office of the special advisers of the Prime Minister. The place where all the backroom deals get put together.

I could tell you some stories. Or I would if I was in number ten long enough to have any. Enter. Natalie, Jones, you'd better wait out here. Will you be OK in the back passage? Well, as OK as you can be after a week of hot pepper spray chicken wraps. Sorry, you meant... Yeah, well, yeah, fine. Right, time to laugh at someone else's misfortune for a change. Ian, so you've finally come grovelling...

Henry, how would you like to be a lord? Sorry, did you say... A lord, yes. The PM, in his wisdom, has put little old me in charge of the old House of Lords Appointment Commission. Fancy that. And what with the fallout of this selling off the security forces, and, well, just about everything else he's done,

we could really do with some friendly faces in the upper chamber. And you naturally thought of me. You and about 40 others. All you need to do is show up and vote how your heart tells you, or, more specifically, how I tell you. Do you honestly think I have so little integrity that I've become the PM's lapdog just for a title? is show up and vote how your heart tells you, or more specifically, how I tell you. Don't you honestly think I have so little integrity that I've become the PM's lapdog just for a title? You'll also be well remunerated.

Then allow me to say woof-woof. Presenting Lord Henry Tobin of this house, Shire. You don't have to keep announcing me when I enter a room. It was extremely embarrassing in the chemist. OK, what's going on? I'm a lord now. Well, not now, but I will be. I've been asked to join the House of Lords.

If you want to spend your days falling asleep surrounded by incontinent pensioners, you could just go to the theatre. Somebody's in a great mood. What's the matter? No, no, it is good. It's just, this bloody village. Oh, no, not the book group again. You know, you lot

shouldn't drink white wine. It always leads to fights. They don't call it Lady Petrel for nothing. No, look, it's not the book group. I'm still banned. There's a new exhibition at the gallery and I've not been invited to the opening. You hate art galleries. You always say there's no point seeing art in person when you can look it up on the internet.

Well, that's not the point. We should be invited to this kind of thing to show we're still a force to be reckoned with. I blame you. It's no wonder we're shunned after your track record with the arts. I was a big patron of the arts. I was the PM who finally returned the Elgin marbles to Greece. I thought you sold them to Theo Paphitis.

Let's not quibble over details. Anyway, if I'm a lord, we'll have status. The status will be good for you as well, Lady Tobin. Although that does sound a bit like a woman's foot hygiene product. Lady Tobin.

Well, I guess that would show everyone. I mean, they only give these honours to the best people. Maybe don't interrogate that idea too closely, but... Yes, in principle. Now, where's Jones? When I'm a lord, I can't have my protection officer going AWOL like this. John Royce, sir, I'm here. Thanks to my new crowd control loud hailer, I can contact you from anywhere in the house in case of emergency.

Where are you, Jones? You're supposed to be protecting me. Just stop here, getting a good vantage point for any potential attackers. Right, I'm on my way. Sir. Natalie, what's the matter with your legs? I was curtsying. You don't have to do that. I could bow, if you prefer, your lordship, or maybe lunges.

No. Just because I'm going to be a lord doesn't mean it'll change me. That's very noble, sir. Some people would immediately be using this status to leverage all kinds of benefits and freebies. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Good idea. Leverage away. Get me on that gravy train. Ian! Hi!

Henry, you need to control your sister or the deal's off. What? My sister? What's she done? Well, she's broadcasting on YouTube lots of conspiracy nonsense about the government. Georgia? Highly doubted. Very embarrassing. The PM wants it stopped or the deal's off. No lordship? Don't worry, I'll sort it. No lordship? They can't do this. It must be some mistake. They're saying Georgia has become some kind of conspiracy theorist. Googling now, your lordship. Just stop curtsying. You look like you've got rickets.

Right, here it is. She's got her own channel, The Truth Maiden. It's just another thing they don't want you to know about. You need to stop believing the mainstream media and do your own research. When you think about it, there are five terrestrial channels. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. It's a very evil number.

Five points on a pentagram, five gold rings. What is the Olympics hiding? The elites in this country don't want us to know. She's got over 200,000 followers. How did she even get on the internet? She used to phone me every time she needed to set the clock on the oven. Well, you bought her that smartphone during lockdown, remember?

You said it would connect her with the world. I meant she'd be able to get the odd deliveroo, not be brainwashed by people who were scared of falling off the side of the planet. You have to get her to stop. We need the status of this lordship. We cannot let your sister torpedo our dream. The dream you were dead against until it could get you a few more freebies and invites. Just stop her!

OK, we will invite her to stay. She's a sensible woman. She can be reasoned with. A few days here and we can make her see this is all nonsense. She's probably just gone a bit stir-crazy, living in the middle of nowhere, nobody to talk to. It's easy to believe a lot of this rubbish. Oh, I can't wait to meet your sister.

She's remarkably like Henry. Strong, principled, forceful. No, floppy-haired and with the shoulders of a middle-aged woman. Oh, thank you, Violet. We'd love to come. You know how much I love neo-expressionism. Is that the one?

Yes, well, this exhibition sounds groundbreaking anyway. Oh, will there be free wine? Yes, great. Okay, see you later. Yes, I knew they'd re-invite me after the news about you and the Lords leaked. Did you leak it, my love? Absolutely not. Well, I hate to tell tales, sir, but Mrs T is indeed the source of the leaks. I recorded the incident on my pen.

Now, obviously you didn't hear it from me, but Henry's going to be made a lord. Yes. Now, if that's not front-page news, I don't know what is. What? Yes, fine, page 26. Just stick it in the paper. Well, it gives me no pleasure to go around spying, Mrs T, although it does make me feel a bit like James Bond. I even had my beer shaken and not stirred. It's very gassy.

I'm going to confiscate your toys, Jones. Well, you can't. I need my pepper spray. Why, do you think an attack's more likely? Now I'm going to be a lord? No, it just saves a lot of time on my chips. Mmm. Oh, that's peppery. Oh, ha-ha. Oh. Who has chips at 9am? Oh, that'll be Georgia. Natalie went to meet her in a cab at the station. Introducing Sister of the Honourable Lord Henry Tobin of Tobinshire, Georgia Tobin.

Henry, Christine, great to see you. Thank you for inviting me down. I could do with a change of scenery. I must admit, being on my own, you do start to get a bit isolated. She seems completely normal. Maybe this will be even easier than we thought. And who's the man eating the chips? That's Jones, my MI5 protection officer. MI5? I thought you were out of government.

You're still funded by them. Oh, Henry, no, no, no. This won't do. He's one of them, the Illuminati. He once accidentally locked himself in the car boot. Trust me, he is not in the Illuminati. Yes, they don't even let him in Wetherspoons. So they

got to you two as well. Of course, my own brother, one of them. I'm not one of them. That's exactly what one of them would say. It's also exactly what someone who's not one of them would say. What even is one of them? A tool of the New World Order. I've done my reading online, not in your mainstream media.

Jones, are you a tool of the New World Order? Well, he's definitely a tool. Well, I've always loved the New World Order, even before that, when there were Joy Division. Georgia, you know me. I'm telling you, I am not part of any New World Order or Illuminati because, and I cannot stress this enough, they do not exist. Oh, so the internet just made them up, did it?

No, the evidence is all there. And I suppose it's just coincidence that you live near the B199. What does that have to do with anything? 199 the letters AII agents of the international illuminati all the proof anyone could need saying nothing about what you're wearing it might as well be a uniform. The M&S Chino. No it's all excuse, I'll take my bags upstairs. OK, so my sister is insane now. How does somebody get that deep? Can you even believe we're related?

Oh, that I can, sir, on account of your similar faces. She's got your big forehead and weak feminine jawline. We cannot have her posting another video. Don't worry. We just have to keep her busy and offline until my investiture tomorrow. She's posting a live video now, sir. Oh, God, this is more serious than we thought. We need to turn the internet off.

Won't you just use 4G? No, she said in one of her other videos that 4G transmits waves that contain subliminal messages from the pharmaceutical industry. Or was it agriculture? It was either Big Pharma or Big Pharma. Or was it agriculture? It was either big farmer or big farmer. I think we need to take her out.

Understood. I'll make it clean. I mean take her out with us. She can come to the gallery where we can keep an eye on her. Excellent plan. Natalie, while we're gone, I need you to disable the internet in the house. OK. Oh, she's posting another video. Have wind farms turned us magnetic? Oh, God, she's going to ruin everything.

Quick, let's get her out now. The opening's not for another three hours, but we can walk slowly. Very slowly. Maybe Jones can give her that talk where he ranks the best pasties and never fails to fill an evening. We'll look on the bright side. At least you're not the most embarrassing Tobin anymore. Thank you, darling. Come on, then.

Natalie, you know what to do while we're out? Yes, my lord. Destroy the internet. Here we are. Time for a little bit of culture. We'll just pop in and show our faces until close, and then once or twice round the village before home. Oh, excellent plan.

After you, Georgia. Thank you. Henry, Christine, my lord, my lady. So glad you could be here. Glass of vino. Good. And so sorry about the mix-up with invites earlier. You know you're always top of my list.

Of course we are. This is Georgia, my sister-in-law. What a you're always top of my list. Of course we are. This is Georgia, my sister-in-law. What a lovely gallery. Oh, thank you. Now this piece is quite, quite striking. Yeah, a genuine Barbara Hepworth, a personal favourite. And this is Jones. Oh, I like your art.

It's very... arty. Do let us have a little chatette later, Christine. There might be a place on our board with your name on it Laters Oh, how lovely Wow, there really are a few faces here Oh, wait, is that one of Coldplay?

That's a question I'm supposed to know the answer to, is it? Now, these are the sort of people we should be mixing with The artist set Yes, I can see myself feeling right at home in this crowd You mean you can see yourself feeling at home chugging free wine? It's the burden of being a lady Now, I must see myself feeling right at home in this crowd. You mean you can see yourself feeling at home chugging free wine? It's the burden of being a lady. Now I must go and circulate. What is all this? I was expecting paintings.

It's modern art. Art isn't pictures of fields anymore. It's statements, objects, juxtapositions. Like this piece. A statement on modern Britain's obsession with surveillance culture. I think that's just the security camera, Mrs T. Well, it's both. Everything's art now. It's all about seeing the unseen.

Oh, can I get a top-up, please? Keep knocking back the wine at this rate, you won't be able to see anything. Georgia, was it? If you liked the Hepworth, you'll love this. What is that? Oh, no. I'll handle this one, sir. I believe it's a painting, Miss Torbin. I think it's meant to be a horse.

A horse? Oh, that's rich, coming from a sheep. It's clearly the sign of a demon. Still mainly seeing a horse. Wake up! For centuries, the cabal who runs this planet have been using art to mind-control a senseless population into demon worship, And this is proof. What's she doing?

Do something, Henry. Right. Shall I give him a pepper spray, sir? Burn it! Before it overpowers us and we're the ones who burn, I can feel it watching me. Today you lose, demon. Today you lose.

Oh, bravo. Marvellous. Sorry, what? Oh, my sister Georgia is actually an artist herself, a performance artist. This is a piece of hers she likes to call The Devil Is In The Detail. Oh, really? Marvellous work, Georgia.

It's looking right at me! Oh, yes, amazing. It's a statement about fanaticism in the art world. It's her way of shining a light on the religious fervour that grips the true artist and asks why. Oh, God, I'm good at this bollocks. I see. Yeah, yeah, I love it. OK, she should stick around.

We actually have to leave. Love the art, though. Great pictures and stuff. Well done, all concerned. I agree. My favourites were the mini-caches. Come on, then. That was a disaster. Natalie, before she gets downstairs again, please tell me you got the internet switched off.

Yes. I unplugged everything, but that didn't work because I've got some sort of internal battery and the router is hardwired in. Then I tipped water all over it, but that just made sparks and gave me a tingly feeling down my left arm. Then I panicked and cried for a bit. Then I finally figured out the only way to definitely get the internet to stop

working. I phoned up and got us changed to Virgin Media. Excellent work. We need to keep her under lock and key until after the investiture. Jones, stand guard outside her door tonight. Isn't that false imprisonment, sir? No, it's just a little break during which she can't leave the premises.

It's like centre parks crossed with a prisoner of war camp. So like centre parks. Right, will do, and if anything happens, I'll keep you informed. Through this. What? Very useful. Just turn it off. My ears are ringing. God, they sound like a phone. It's really ringing.

Oh, God, it's Ian. Ian! Hi. I'm really looking forward to the whole shebang tomorrow. Henry, please tell me that wasn't you I saw on the internet standing by and applauding while your clearly unhinged sister was trying to burn down an art gallery would you believe it was a look-alike henry it was it was just a minor glitch

everything's sorted now she's apologized and we'll be wiping her youtube channel as soon as she can get online leave it with me in um better go speech to write bye turn that off so we can't ring back oh god i can feel our perfect new life slipping away. We've got this, Christine. We've faced worse. Remember Grant Chaps' New Year's party when he tried to get us signed up to a multi-level marketing scheme? I just wish we could reset Georgia and turn her back into the boring old academic she used to be.

I could help, Your Majesty. I was deprogrammed loads as a child. Every time the police stormed the compound, really. And it always worked with me, for a while, anyway. I remember exactly what to do. Well, it's as good a plan as anything. Right, try tonight. However long it takes.

I'll do it. I once went three days without sleep, hiding under a boat, pretending to be dead. I'm sure I can manage tonight. I'm not going to ask. Toast, dear. No, I'm not sure if I can eat until I find out if Natalie managed to fix Georgia. Morning, everyone.

How did it go? Perfectly. We had a long chat and got everything sorted. I told you I could do it. Oh, thank goodness. Great. So you can stay here with Georgia this morning and make a start at deleting all those videos while Christine and I head off to the House of Lords. You mean the House of Lizards?

Oh, no. Georgia explained it all to me. Our political leaders across the world are in fact Oh, no. Georgia explained it all to me. Our political leaders across the world are in fact blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptiles. Who knew? Henry! It's OK, I've got this. Right, Natalie, look me in the eye.

Whenever you want, sir. Listen, there are no lizards running the country. Well, I know that, sir. I'm not stupid. Oh, phew. Well, at least that's... They run the world. Not just the country. And they're humanoid lizard creatures, not actual lizards. That would be insane.

OK, Natalie. Think about this. If there really is an evil cabal running the world, that means it was them that made me Prime Minister. So I must be evil as well, right? What? Well, I suppose by definition it does. And am I evil, Natalie? No, but I just...

Well... Never, sir! Oh, my God, what was I thinking? It's all clearly rubbish. I'm sorry. I'm on your side, Your Excellency. Great. Well, perhaps you ought to come with us to the Lords and stay away from Georgia. Jones, will you be OK taking care of my sister?

Of course, sir. When you say take care of... No, please do not murder her. Just make sure she doesn't leave the house or get on the internet. Right, I've got this sorted. When I worked in the anti-terrorism unit, I got trained in how to deal with extremists. You know the sort. ISIS, anti-capitalists, people who are really into Peloton. You leave her with me.

I don't care what you do, as long as you keep her busy for the next two hours. After that, it doesn't matter. Come on, then. Before she manages to shift the chest of drawers I've pushed in front of her bedroom door. There you go, love. Nice cup of tea.

I'm not drinking anything you put in front of me. Secret police. It you go, love. Nice cup of tea. I'm not drinking anything you put in front of me, secret police. It's not a secret. I've got a badge and ID as well. It's a double bluff. But I am technically a cop, so why don't I be good cop and you and I have a friendly little chat. I'll put all my

official equipment out of the way on the table and then we can just talk one-to-one, mano a womano about... About how you secretly run the world, how you drain nutrients from the brains of your enemies and how you'll one day show us your real alien lizard shapes

as you go back to your home planets. Is that it? If you like. Right, well, I'll put aside my security pass and this loud hailer and my pepper spray and my microphone recording pen. That is great. That makes me feel just like James,

but you're not interested. OK. And what's in this pocket? That's three crunchy bars and a sachet of mayonnaise. That's lunch sorted. Now, where was I? A good cop. Yeah, what comes after that?

Sporty cop? Posh cop? I can smell the evil coming off you. No, that's not evil. That's Lynx Africa. I use that in my uniform to save on washing it. That sounds evil to me. This is going to be hard enough thought. I tell you what, have you ever heard of hypnotism?

Like how you use the mainstream media to hypnotise an unwilling population? Well, let's talk about it as you watch this shoelace as it swings back and forth. Back and forth. Back. Back. Back and forth. Hello?

Tool of the New World Order? Oh, well, if you're having a nap, I'm sure you won't mind if I help myself to your security pass and things. Ooh, and I do like a crunchy. Well, it seems like your sister's YouTube account has gone silent at last, just in time.

Cheers. Joel, you had it under control? The PM is looking forward to us having a long and fruitful relationship with you. And I'm looking forward to a step up in life. We've only been in the Lord's Bar 15 minutes and I've already had three offers to visit country estates. Henry, this is brilliant.

Finally the life we've worked so hard for. Emergency at five o'clock. Emergency. What are you talking about now, Natalie? You can just speak clearly. Half the people in here are deaf. Over there. Is that Georgia? Oh, no. How did she get in here?

Right, you make sure Ian doesn't see her. I'll talk to her. Excuse me. Excuse me, Your Lordship. I'm here, Dr. Grace. Sorry about your foot, Lady. Henry, I'm here to save you. Georgia, you can't be here. How did you even get in? Well, I may have stolen your foot soldier's security pass, but I'm sure you can

forgive a small crime when I'm here to fight against the largest crime that has ever taken place, the cabal getting their evil clutches on the world. Right. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, wait. OK. Georgia, I'm going to tell you something now that you must not repeat. OK. You're right. There is an evil cabal taking over the world. I knew it.

Everyone in this demonic house of so-called lords is a lizard person from another planet, hell-bent on destruction. But I'm here to take them down. You are? Yes, I've spent years getting them to trust me while all the time planning for their destruction. That does make sense.

I mean, there's no way an evil cabal would have wanted you to be part of their plan unless you were faking being incompetent all the time. What? Yes, quite. So, all I need is for you to bite your lip for another hour and let me get into position to destroy the enemy once and for all, OK? OK. Great. Well, go and sit quietly in the public gallery. We can talk about it afterwards.

Thank you. Thank you, my lords and ladies. Your graces. Now it gives me great pleasure to introduce a new member who has already held one great office of state and will no doubt be a vital member of this chamber for many years to come. Henry Tobin. Thank you. And what an honour it is to be here amongst this noble crowd. As you know, I sat for many years in the other chamber. I agree. It's full of reprobates and lunatics, if I do say so myself.

That is why I am so pleased to be standing here, ready to join you, to bring some real sanity back to politics, sending the common sense back to the commons. Hang on, I recognise that noise. Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry, Henry, I can't silence myself. Please, Georgia, stranger, stranger I don't know. I can't let this opportunity pass without letting everyone know the truth to get your message out.

What message? This one. How do you work with pen? Ah-ha! Everyone in this demonic house of so-called lords is a lizard person from another world. They're all bent on destruction. But I'm here to take them down.

Ignore her! Ignore her! Get off me! I'm a lord! Nearly. And that's the final invitation cancelled. We're back to being outcasts, and the gallery don't want me involved any more. Just because you're not nobility? Well, that is pathetic. I think more because I'm married to David Icke 2.0.

I was that close to being a lord. It is so unfair. I was made for it. I really could have shaken up the second chamber. And I love napping. You can nap when you want, though. It's fine. I'm gutted too, sir. Thank you, Jones.

Yeah, not for you. I've had all my new toys confiscated just because a civilian managed to steal them from me and use them in Parliament. Well, Henry's not exactly a high-value target, so do you really need all that equipment? Oh, it's the pepper spray I miss. I've tried using ordinary mace, but it didn't taste the same.

Oh, well, nothing to do now but sit around in isolation and wait for it all to blow over. Imagine it'll be years before anyone touches me with a barge pole. Presenting the sister of the no longer noble Sir Henry Tobin of not the House of Lords, but still my lord and master. Well, that's me off home. My work here is done. Yes, you've ruined my career and had my wife cut off from the local arts scene and ostracised by the community. You simply must visit again.

You'll thank me when the lizards make their move and you're on the side of truth and justice Right, that's my taxi I hope they take cash as contactless is the work of Satan Bye-bye Oh well, at least now she's gone we can plug the internet back in Oh, email's coming through now Oh, sir, you've got a job offer

Pretty lucrative too What? Well, maybe things are looking up. Well, after your outburst at the Lords, GB News want you for a new show. What's the show, Natalie? Tea Time with Tobin? Henry's Hand of History? It's a travel log. Four men on a boat. It's you, Lawrence Fox and Right Said Fred, travelling the nation's canals by barge, uncovering conspiracies. On second thoughts, let's unplug the internet again, Natalie.

I'm going for a lie down. Party's over. Starring Miles Japp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy, Justin Edwards and Ruth Bratt. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you.