Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over - 26th August

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

What happens when the prime minister suddenly stops being prime minister? One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'"I can't just disappear like Gordon Brown. They say he barely gets out of bed now. Just sits there doing word-searches and eating Kit Kat Chunkies. Miserable. I hate the chunky ones." Former British Prime Minister Henry TobinThis week, drama follows Henry in the form of an actor trying to get under his skin.Starring Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Sidi, Justin Edwards and Fergus Craig.Written by Paul Doolan and Jon Hunter Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound recordist and designer: Jerry PealA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. Spam, spam, junk. Oh, invite from Matt Hancock to invest in his dating app. He has a dating app now? If you ever have a midlife crisis, promise me it won't be as public as his.

It's for married people in Westminster looking to have affairs. He's called it reshuffle. Disgusting. There's definitely a market. Right, put it on the maybe pile. Anything else? Another postcard from Merkel. When will my little Heinrich come and visit me in the Black Forest?

Don't look at me like that, Christine. I never encouraged her. A catalogue for mail-order sausage meats? I think that one's for me. Ooh, win an interactive sausage meat experience. Yes, please. Ooh, also, the actor David Firkin's been in touch. David Firkin?

Never heard of him. Yes, you have. Remember, he's in that thing that we watched with the thing where the woman and the man found that thing. Oh, him. What does he want? Oh, he's going to be playing you in the upcoming series of The Crown.

What, him? I agree, sir. Yes, it's an outrage. It should be Hugh Grant or Idris Elba or both. I can see David Firkin as you. He's a lot like you. No, he isn't. Well, every time I've seen him, he's been playing these awkward bumbling,

little posh people with no chin. Yeah, exactly. Well, I thought he'd be perfect. Thank you, Jones. David wants to know if he can come and stay for research. He says, I want to do Henry's truth justice and feel it's vital for an actor to immerse themselves in the soul of their subject and get under their skin.

We've not met and he's already under my skin. No way is he coming to stay. Let's not be hasty. This is actually a big opportunity to change your legacy. People form their views of historical figures more from the crown than from real life these days. I don't think the British people are that basic. Jones, what do you think of Margaret Thatcher?

Oh, stern woman, funny voice, but great in the X-Files. See? This could be your chance to change how everyone views you. Stop you being seen as the idiot who messed everything up. I did not mess everything up. Oh? Yes, of course. No, sure. But we can make the public love you,

or at least not hate you. And there'll be people watching The Crown for decades. Think about it as your legacy. I'd rather they remember you for that than the time you fell off the stage at the G8. OK, fine, the actor can come and stay. Is that all the mail, Natalie? Well, there was an invite to go on Loose Women for Mrs Tobin,

but I turned that down, obviously. Well done. Oh, sorry, wait, what do you mean, obviously? Loose Women? ITV? It's not very you. You done. Oh, sorry, wait. What do you mean, obviously? Loose women? ITV? It's not very you. You don't exactly have the common touch. Et tu, brute?

Very much proving my point there. If I could put it tactfully, Mrs T, it's not that you're a snob, it's just that you're often snobby. Or snobbish, you know, and superior. I mean, again, no offence, but you often act like you're better than everyone else. Sorry, you're all delusional.

I mean, you may have a slight point. Maybe loose women could be an opportunity. I can work on my common touch and show the public how ordinary I am. Of course you've got the common touch, dear. By the way, did you see Waitrose are discontinuing their Pinot Grigio Rosé blush? No!

I'll have to get them on to Verdi now. This is almost too easy. I thought I'd lay out some San Pellegrino and Evian. They always seem to be drinking water, actors. I've heard they're also partial to Strong Lager and Pasties, if you want to put any of them out. No? Well, it's worth a go. I don't know why you're going to so much trouble for some thespian lovey.

Because he's the key to repairing your reputation, and as my reputation is shackled to yours, I'm rather keen on improving it. I've got the results of the focus group you asked me to set up, Mrs Tobin. What focus group? I thought it would be good to find out what the public think about your reputation and see exactly what we're up against. Now, as you can see from the word cloud, there's a cluster of popular words.

Incompetent, forgettable, stupid, disaster and hero. That appears to be written in Sharpie. Was that you, Natalie? Ah, it doesn't matter. A lot of people just said who, but the biggest one by far, and you can see that in huge font, is boring.

This is outrageous. What? What's that one? Starmer-esque. Oh, I know. Well, I don't find you boring, sir. I mean, unexciting, maybe. Bland, perhaps.

Beige, lacklustre, sure. But boring? No, no, not really. Thank you, Jones. That's my mind entirely at ease. Sorry, what was that, sir? I sort of glazed over as you were talking there. Well, I think the public should be hanged for thinking these things about you. I wish they could see you how I see you, sir.

I think one unhealthy infatuation is enough. We don't need the whole country following suit. Somebody should tell the true story of Henry Tobin. Well, hopefully the Crown will. No, we can't rely on them. Have you watched it? It's so unrealistic. They even managed to make a charismatic alpha male like Prince Charles look weak.

No, no, I'm going to do it myself. I'm going to write a play telling the real story of Mr Tobin. Right, well, meanwhile, in the real world, here's the plan. We have to show David Firkin that, contrary to the views of everyone except Natalie, you are, in in fact a dynamic, fun, edgy guy with an exciting life. I have an exciting life. I've seen your diary. The only things in it this week are picking up some more interdental brushes and opening a creche at the local gym on Friday. Oh God, is that still in there? I've been trying to get out of that for ages. You just have to show David you're a wild, exciting guy and that's how he'll portray you in the Crown.

OK, I can do exciting things. Oh, I could take him to that very exciting exhibition of political cartoons at the V&A. No. Exciting. Charismatic. You need to come across like Zelensky. Maybe wear a T-shirt. Look commanding, yet somehow sexy, yet sensitive. Oh, Zelensky.

Oh! That'll be David. Quick, put a T-shirt on. Maybe try a Ukrainian accent. Like this? OK, scrap that. Just the T-shirt. Mr Firkin, such a big fan. We loved you in that thing with the thing. Please, too kind, too kind. Let me take your bags, Mr. Firkin.

Thanks, it's just a small bag. We actors travel light. All our baggage is on the inside. Ah, this is my husband, Henry. Henry, Henry. Henry! Brother! So, this is the ship I'm going to be sailing down the river of drama? Yes, let's hope you don't topple in and drown horribly. Funny guy. I love that.

Interesting T-shirt, by the way. What does it say? Basildon Heritage Trail. Really? What? I don't Basildon Heritage Trail. Really? What? I don't own many T-shirts. I don't do casual. I happen to think a collar is important, unlike your precious Zelensky. Henry, thanks so much for having me, but I want

you to pretend I'm not really here. That would be nice. Just do what you normally do. I don't want to be presented with a wall of artifice. I want to see the real Henry. It's part of my process. I don't want to be presented with a wall of artifice. I want to see the real Henry. It's part of my process. I like to see my subjects in the flesh and really get inside them.

Oh, I thought that would all stop with the Me Too movement. Well, don't worry, you'll get the real me. I have to warn you, I do get up to some right old shenanigans sometimes. Real lunacy. I can, you know, take the bike out and just go and be at one of those damn roads. You know, hit some real speeds. You have a motorbike?

No, a Brompton. Mind if I vape? Ah, here's my assistant Natalie. Oh, Mr Tobin. Harry Styles is on the line, wanting to know if you'll be in his new video, seeing as you're such good friends. I told him I'd check, but I think the dates are going to clash with your protest against the fossil fuel industry.

Wink. Oh, right, yeah, better tell old Hazard it's a no then. I have to put my integrity first. Okie dokie. Wink. I'm impressed. It's strange, but the way you're portrayed in the media, they paint you as some kind of boring idiot who just messed everything up. I wish people would stop saying I messed everything up.

No, the media have always had it in for me. Let's get you inside, David. I'll catch you up. Natalie, what am I supposed to do with this idiot stuck to me for two days? Don't worry, Mr Tobin. I've packed out your diary with lots of activities to make you appear more exciting. Oh, what sort of thing? Trip to the theatre?

Tasting menu at an edgy Mission Instar restaurant? Erm... Ah! Oh, God! Oh, God! Sweet ground. Wow! What a rush. I've never skydived before.

Yes, I loved it too. And you do this all the time? Correct. I just assumed from the crying and the vomiting that you hated it. Oh, no, no, it's a real release for me of everything. Tension, lunch. Henry, can we hug? I'd rather if we didn't.

Oh, oh, oh, no. We are. This is great. We're bonding. I feel like I'm really chipping away at you. Yes, yes, I'm getting that too. Right. Time for another skydive.

Oh, I mean, I'd love to, but maybe we should stick around and wait for Jones. Oh, sorry about that. My chute didn't open. I went straight through the roof of that shed over there. Aren't you hurt? No, no. Us Joneses have always been durable from heights.

We're like cats, except we're hairless and we don't have tails. Well, apart from my auntie Tina. Still, the last thing you probably want to do after that ordeal is another skydive, so we should go... No, no, no, I'm up for them. Oh, great. Well, before we go back up in the plane, I'm going to spend a couple of minutes over there, just kind of shaking and saying the word no over and over. It's just a little thing I like to do.

Oh, looks like it's just us girlies in the house. We should have a pillow fight and talk about our favourite hunks like Lindsay Hoyle or Steve Baker. Or we could never do that. Fair enough. I'll get back to writing my play. Oh, I've already got a title. King of the Lions in the Political Jungle of Lions.

The Henry Tobin Story. How many M's are there in commanding? Right, look, forget about the play for a second. Did you hear back from Loose Women? Oh, yes. All confirmed for Friday. Ah, great. I'm just a little worried Henry might be right. He's always right.

Oh, sorry. Carry on. Maybe I am slightly out of touch with normal people. Oh, well, that's the postman. He's a pretty normal bloke. Why don't you have a chat with him? I can watch and give you feedback after on how normal and down-to-earth you are. Yes, and good plan.

Just a normal woman chatting to a normal bloke. Yeah. Package for you. Hey there, mate. How's the wife and kids, you bloody ledge? Yeah, well, I'm gay, but my partner's well, thanks. Tooting too right, you absolute chief. Why do you keep putting your thumbs up?

I don't know, Natalie. Right, well, here's the package. Enjoy. You get on, buddy mate. Have a cracking bloody shift, you dog. Don't deliver all that post at once. Chance will be a fine thing, am I right? How was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah

I think you should cancel loose women and have a bit of a lie down Get me a chair, Natalie, I don't feel well Oh yes, right away, sir Oh, you're back? Oh, you've been gone for ages That husband of yours, wow! Hanging out with him is like being with the Rolling Stones.

After our skydives, Henry took me to this edgy bar for an afternoon drinking sesh. I've had four larkers. I had to hold his tie while he threw up in the street. James, just the man. I need to borrow you. You need a protection.

You've not reignited your Twitter beef with Angela Rayner, have you? No. No, I need you to teach me how to be normal and down-to-earth enough for loose women by Friday. Well, Friday, two days? Transform you from Lady of the Manor and her ivory tower to Hoyt Balloy? Well, it might just be doable,

but it'll be hard, and I don't come cheap. I have a price a price so high is it a Greg Steak Bake by any chance? yes, yes it is done here's your chair sir please sit down oh my god

I've not seen you look this unwell since you went to Michael Fabrikant's Cheese and Uso party oh there's my stomach again right I'm going upstairs to lie down. Great. I'll lie down with you. I would really rather you didn't. Interesting.

You long to be alone, but you're in the public eye. I can use this. The tensions at the heart of Henry Tobin. Part wounded lion, part harlequin. I'm really getting somewhere. On my tits. I suppose that's what we do as actors. Peel back the outer layers until we're left with the emotional truth at the heart.

Right, and you need to be with me 24-7 to find this emotional truth, do you? I don't mind putting the hours in. It's all part of my process in preparing for the crown. Your process doesn't happen to involve you going for a long walk by yourself, does it? No, it's all emotional truth. When I play fear, I have to feel real terror inside me. And what are you afraid of, having to get a proper job? No, it's embarrassing admitting, but I have a deep-seated fear of clowns.

Oh, really? I love him in Doc Martin. Clowns, Jones, not cloons. It's really bad. Even something resembling clown make-up sets me off. When I have to play fear, that's the well I go to, the well of clowns. Oh. How interesting.

On an unrelated note, I'm suddenly starving. I fancy a McDonald's. Do you fancy coming, David? McDonald's. I tend to avoid there. Could we do Burger King instead? It's just the whole Ronald McDonald clown thing. Oh, sorry, no can do. Filio Fish,

you see. Oh, well, I'll catch you in a few hours. Right, Mrs. Tormin, welcome to Common Touch 101. First question, how much is a pint of milk? Oat, almond or organic dairy. I can see I'm going to have my work cut out here, but that's OK.

Have no fear, by the time I'm finished, you'll be as normal and as down-to-earth as I am. Now, repeat after me. Any of you is not one trouble, you found it, you radges. I want to be a woman of the people, not Jimmy Nail. Hey, guys, don't suppose Henry's back yet? Mr Torbin's still at McDonald's, I'm afraid He's been there for hours

We're missing out on valuable character study time An actor like you might actually be useful here I'm trying to coach Mrs Torbin to be more common and don't earth Well, thank God I'm here As an actor, I have an innate understanding of the common man. I know how they think, how they breathe. When I played a homeless man in Doctors, I lived on the streets until it got cold in the evening.

But I knew how that man would have thought. Great. So where do I start? Drop your teas and call people governor. Light your cigarette, governor. Pretty powerful stuff. The man's a marvel. On second thoughts, I think me and Jones have got this. Why don't you go and wait for Henry?

Yes. OK. I still feel like I need to understand his character, though. What would he normally be doing this time of day? He'd be doing relentless housework. Cleaning, tidying. Maybe you should do some of that. Feel how he feels. Great plan.

Also, there's some shelves in the spare room he was going to put up, if you could take care of those. I think it would really give you an understanding of it. Not long to go till he leaves. It's better I've all been worth it. I can't wait to sit down uninterrupted from someone wanting to explore my truth. Well, no relaxing today, sir. Remember, you've got the creche opening at the gym this afternoon.

Oh, can't we cancel? No. I get free yoga classes for a year if you do this. Oh, we wouldn't want to jeopardise that. Henry, brother, there you are. I feel like I've hardly seen you the last few days. You seem to have been either at McDonald's or in your office watching the film It. Sorry, but it's my favourite film.

You could have joined me, but of course, the clown thing. I didn't think. Great film. And I'm with Henry. I love a bit of Maccy D's. The new plant burger, mouthwatering. You sound different, Christine. You're dropping Ts everywhere. You're not running for Labour leader, are you?

Nah, it's all from my training with Jones. Do you know, I think if I strain, I can just about hear the old Christine screaming to get out. While you're here, Mr Firkin, I wonder if I could pick your acting brains. My gift is yours to harvest. Well, I'm a bit stuck writing my play. See, I've got to the bit where Henry bravely arrives at Davos

to deliver his era-defining speech, despite arriving a week late and there being nobody there. But I don't know how he'd be feeling. Annoyed with my assistant who cocked up the days, if I remember rightly. Hush, Henry. Acting question. I've got this. You see, Natalie, what you need to do is get into character. Become Henry. Mmm, I wish I could.

I'll show you how I do it. First, I start physically. Take on Henry's mannerisms. Pull my chin in, move the jaw, put my weight on my left foot, just like Henry. Then, it's all about the voice. Henry has this

kind of whiny, nasal, posh bumble. Sort of a Oh, uh, hi. Henry Tobin. Uh, how do you do? Oh, come on. That sounds nothing like me. Wait, which one's the real you? That is actually uncanny. You honestly

think I look and sound like that? You honestly think I look and sound like that? Wow. Oh, wait. Maybe this visit could be useful after all. Um, wait. Maybe this visit could be useful after all. David, I have just had a thought. You could perform as me at this creche opening.

Walk in my shoes, cut the ceremonial ribbon with my scissors. I'm not sure. It would be a real acting challenge, fully immersive, going pure method. It might be too much, though. Probably best to leave that sort of thing to Daniel Day-Lewis or Ross Kemp. I can't say I'm not tempted, Henry. I've not done real immersive theatre since that gritty reimagining of Mary Poppins, the critic's savage. Excuse us a second, David.

Are you out of your mind? You can't use him to fill in for you. Well, I might as well get some use out of him. I really want to stay at home. There's a Columbo double bill on. It'll never work. You said yourself he looks and sounds like me. Nobody there has ever met me in person.

You know how different people look on the TV. I suppose that word cloud did repeatedly say how forgettable you were. Thanks for the reminder. All he has to do is show up, cut a ribbon and shake a few hands. Plenty of high-ranking figures have used body doubles. Montgomery. Saddam Hussein. Yes, thank you, Jones.

Stalin, Putin, David Walliams. They didn't use body doubles to open creches so they could watch Columbo. It'll never work. Oh, I don't know, Mrs T. I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. Also, most events we go to, people don't have a clue who Mr Tobin is anyway. Yeah, thank you, Jones. Trust me, Christine, it'll work.

So what do you say, David? Up for testing your craft? Getting inside the public persona of Henry Tobin? It's a scary prospect. So much could go wrong. It's risky. It'll take real balls. Thank God I'm an actor.

I'll do it. I've been going through Henry's old speeches on YouTube to try and nail the mannerisms. What do you think? In the cut and thrust of politics, accidents do, uh, happen, and I fully apologise for running over those

guide dogs. That really is remarkable. Right, here you are, Mr Fergan. Okay. Time to do it. I'm actually quite nervous. It's like going into battle. As someone who was in Helmand, it looks to me more

like you're going into a leisure centre. Still. Break a leg. Right. Next stop, loose women. Still. Break a leg. Right. Next stop, loose women. You ready? Born ready. How much is a loaf of bread? Just over a quid.

Who is the biggest wrong-un in EastEnders? Neil Hughes. Favourite Love Islander? They were all a bit muggy this year. Oh, good. Good eye. You ready? Oh, that Columbo. He gets them every time.

Mr Tobin, what are you doing here? I saw you leave to go to the crash opening. Are you a ghost? No, I managed to talk David into going as me. Right, I see. So, are you him now? No. No, I'm still me. are you him now? No. No, I'm still me. Just don't worry, Natalie.

Ah, that's Mr Tobin dropped off, Mr Tobin. How did it go? All went fine from what I could see. They thought he was you. But he's not him. He's him. He's the real him. See, that leisure centre looked fun. I was almost tempted to stay there. They had face painting and candy floss. There was the real him. I thought the leisure centre looked fun. I was almost tempted to stay there. They had face painting and candy floss. There was even a clown. A what? Oh, that is never good.

Mine's going too. Apparently you're breaking news. Oh, no. Quick, check News 24. No, more on that breaking story. Former Prime Minister Henry Tobin caused pandemonium at the opening of a leisure centre creche today, with actions described by one witness

as going right off his tiny rocker. Mr Tobin mainly remembered as the Prime Minister who messed everything up. I did not mess everything up! Turned violent and was heard to shout get away from me, evil. Get away, you red-nosed freak.

Before ripping his own shirt off and pushing four children into a swimming pool. Oh, turn it off. That's me packed. Sorry again, Henry, mate. I hope my episode hasn't tarnished your reputation. It has a smidgen, actually.

Thanks to you, I'm all over the papers as some child-hating lunatic. Oh, it's only the Express and the Sun that are calling you a child-hating lunatic. Did you see the star? No, what are they calling him? Crazy Crackers Bastard. Oh, well, that almost makes you sound fun. See, it's all blowing over already. Bunch of asinine idiots.

Ooh, you pronounced the T at the end of idiots. Is everything OK? Loose women dropped me at the last minute. They said they couldn't be associated with the wife of a monster. Do you know how bonkers you have to be to be too toxic for loose women? They've had Katie Hopkins on. Sorry, it's my bad, Christine. But don't worry, you have my word.

As an actor, I will portray the Henry Tobin I know in The Crown and fix everything. If you could. It would be nice to look out the window and not see an angry lynch mob in the near future. Ah, I've got an email. Great, the scripts are through for the Crown. Oh, can I have a look? Are they sympathetic? Scanning through now.

There's nothing. Oh, good. No, I mean there's nothing about you in here. What? Oh, wait, there is. You've got one line. Oh, what is it? Oh, wait, there is. You've got one line. Oh, what is it? Interior, Buckingham Palace. Tobin cannot meet the Queen's eye. Looks to the floor in shame.

I've messed everything up. And that's it. Brilliant. That is brilliant. So the last few days have been for nothing. Well, Christine, can I congratulate you on a marvellous plan. Having David Astay work brilliantly, my public perception and legacy are completely restored. Oh, this is not my fault. I can't help but feel partly to blame. That might be, because you're entirely to blame.

Now, I don't mean to be rude, but take your baggage and your truth and actory mumbo-jumbo and sod off. OK, if you feel so strongly, I will. After I've stuck around for the performance. The what? Mr Firkin's going to be in the play I've written about you. Who's ready for the debut performance? No.

Absolutely not. Then follow me. The White House, America, 2016. President Barack Obama has just had a visit from the greatest statesman in history. I'm jealous of that marvellous Henry Tobin. He's the greatest statesman ever. Makes me look like a real chump, I say, I say, but how did he get

here? And where did it all begin? Begin, begin, begin. It began in 1979 in Ely, Cambridgeshire. One child is born who will change the nation

forever. It's a boy, Mrs Tobin, and well endowed, that's for sure. What will you name him? Henry. Powerful name, powerful baby. Right, show's over. Oh, what? But we haven't done any of the sex scene. No.

I think we've had enough of the arts for one week.