Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over - 29th July

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

What happens when the prime minister suddenly stops being prime minister? One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?''I can't just disappear like Gordon Brown. They say he barely gets out of bed now. Just sits there doing word-searches and eating Kit Kat Chunkies. Miserable. I hate the chunky ones.' Former British Prime Minister Henry TobinAfter some unsuccessful attempts last summer to get back to the top, Henry returns with some new ideas on how to delay his impending descent into national irrelevance. In this first episode of the new series, Henry and team travel to Birmingham for the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games and immediately spy an opportunity for a comeback.Starring Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Sidi, Justin Edwards and David Momeni.Recorded at The Crescent Theatre in BirminghamWritten by Paul Doolan and Jon Hunter Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound recordist and designer: Chris MacleanA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. We'd like to welcome you all to this 1320 service to Birmingham New Street. We wish a warm welcome to all our travellers today, though those of you without the correct ticket for this train will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

I don't care. This is a VIP traveller and he deserves more than just a first-class headrest. He should be up front, steering this train like he successfully steered the country. It's OK, Natalie. Leave the conductor alone. Fine, but he's going on the enemy's spreadsheet. When do we get into Birmingham, Jones? Er, 1400 hours and 55... Er, for 1400 and... Er, five to three, Mrs Jones.

Just under about an hour and a half. I can't wait for HS2 to come and finally knock ten minutes off this hellish journey. We wouldn't even be on this train if it wasn't for you, Jones. It's a dangerous game, personal protection. Cars get crashed. Not usually into the back wall of the garage. Well, it's hardly my fault.

I was pulling in when I got to a really tense bit in the audio book and I hit the accelerator by mistake. What were you listening to? Grand Slam, the autobiography of Martina Navratilova. Oh, it's a heck of a read. Just forget everything you think you know about women's tennis in the 80s. Yep, done. Well, I think it's exciting being on a train.

My parents never let me go on one. They said that trains going into tunnels were suggestive and sexual. Have you got the tickets, Jones? I have train tickets in the left pocket with the Yorkies, opening ceremony tickets with Kit Kats in the bum bag. Why not have they given you free tickets to the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony? Because I carry a certain gravitas due to my statesman-like demeanour. Also, Matt Hancock said no.

But the only thing he has said no to. We should have turned them down too. A real sports fan could have used those. You know nothing about sport. I love sport. I can't wait to watch the big frisbee. The discus. But I just wish my first holiday in years was somewhere a little more

glamorous. Don't knock Birmingham, Mrs T. It's got some of the most beautiful attractions in Europe. Orphine, Valassan, the Valanasi. Are they all Indian restaurants? Yeah. It's like a pilgrimage for me, the home of the Balti.

Birmingham has a very special place in my heart. Specifically your aortic valve? I just hope we don't get lynched. I'm sure the people of Birmingham have calmed down. They are very forgiving. It was only a small misunderstanding. So unfair. Over one little mistake. Can't a man accidentally leave his mic on and call the entire population

of the city ungrateful arseholes anymore? Are our public figures supposed to be saints? It's all in the past and I'm looking forward to this trip. Watch some sport, shake some hands. Important people could be there. Oh, about to go through a tunnel. Natalie, shut your eyes.

You know, it looks like there are actually quite a lot of important people here. I just saw Paula Radcliffe in the toilets. Well, that's progress. Glad she's started using them. Do you know, we all get caught short, sir. You know, sometimes I have to do a number one in the street, or a two, or even a three. Do you know, I once did a number five on Horsegarth Parade. What's a number five?

We don't want to know. Usual plan of attack, then. Circulate and see what we can get out of it. There's got to be at least a charity in need of a new board member. And this is a high-risk environment, so you should be on alert, Jones. Jones, have you got your headphones in?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. No, Martina's just got to her first Australian Open final against Yvonne Goulagon, and I tell you... Turn it off! My life is at stake here. Look at that man. He's staring at me. He could be an attacker. Wait, is that Guy Parker? Who's Guy Parker?

He was a junior minister. The absolute laughingstock of politics. What was that nickname they used to call him, Natalie? Oh, um, Useless Henry. No, that was... That was someone else. I'm surprised they let him in here. He got sacked for leaving a USB stick

full of sensitive data on a train. And in a taxi. And another in the queue to Madame Tussauds. Oh, God, he's coming over. Guy! Funny to bump into you here. Henry, good to see you. And Natalie, you're, um... Well, looking absolutely lovely, as always. Funny to bump into you here. Henry, good to see you.

And Natalie, you're looking absolutely lovely, as always. Thank you, Guy. You're looking fatter and sunburned. Yep, guilty as charged. Been doing a lot of travelling. Just jetted in from a Commonwealth committee meeting in Barbados. You're on the committee? I know. I get to travel the world, meeting sports legends and heads of state. Natalie's right, though. A few too many free banquets in tropical locations,

then the pounds build up. So, what are you... Sorry, did you say free banquets in tropical locations? Sorry, the woman with the crazed look in her eye is my wife, Christine. Not important. Guy? Yes, perk of the job.

I basically spend all my time being wined and dined around the Commonwealth, fact-finding, eating, drinking, watching sporting events, falling asleep at sporting events. We like to say it's not so much the gravy train as the Lucas-Aid train.

Hilarious. And how does one board this Lucas-Aid train? Bad luck, I'm afraid. It's a lifetime position and nobody in their right mind would resign from it. Well, it's been good to see you. Bye. Bye. Oh, you dropped your USB stick.

Goodness me. Bye-bye, guys. Everyone, out on the balcony. We need to make a new plan of attack. Right. Everyone, out on the balcony. We need to make a new plan of attack. Right, we scrap all our previous plans. This trip is now all about getting Henry onto that committee. It really does sound like the shortcut to everything we've been after. You mean reinstalling Mr Tobin as Prime Minister

and the imprisonment of everyone who doubted him? OK, not quite everything, but this is a way back into the big leagues. Flying round the world, meeting important people, eating important food. Plus, it would mean some actual money coming in. I haven't had a paid job in ages. I got you that job on the board of BA. Oh, yes. Good old British asbestos. To be fair, one of the few brands more toxic than I am.

This could really rebuild your reputation. The way I see it, we need a two-pronged approach. Like Martina and Pam Shriver in the 82 Australian doubles. Yes, thank you, Jones. More that we need to simultaneously free up a space on the committee and set up Henry as the obvious candidate to step in. And I've been working on a little plan myself. To get me onto the committee?

No, to get my hands on one of those trays of volovans. The simplest move is to get Guy to resign. He's an absolute car crash of a man. There must be something in his closet we can use against him. But, Natalie, he's clearly got his off-spot for you, so you use it to get close to him, charm him, find out his weakness. Wouldn't that be selling

myself? It's for Henry. Sold. How do I charm a man? Oh, men are easy. Just laugh at everything they say and tell them they're clever. Hey, we're not that easy. Well, obviously not you. You're clever. Oh, thank you.

See? Right. Oh, I can see Barbara Beresford, the Olympic horse lady, over there by the bar. She's head of the committee. I'll go charm her about how much I love sport, so when the gap appears, I'll be in stick position to take over. Pole position? You really don't know sport, do you? Are you sure you can do this? Of course. Just do what I did in politics. Win them round with your silver tongue and matinee-idle eyes.

No lie. There you are. Jones, come with me. We need to charm a jockey. Oh, not for the first time. I've just got this tray of vol-au-vents, and really, I think I'll write them out. I'll stick them in my pocket for later.

A large white wine and a sweet cherry chaser, please. I'll get these. The drinks are free. Even better. Henry Tobin, former Prime Minister. It's so good to be here amongst all this wonderful sport. It is,

isn't it? Barbara Beresford. I'm kind of in charge of all of this. Who would have thought, little old me, from being a lowly school chum of Princess Anne's to, well, everything. And this is... Jones?

Oh. Jones? He's my security guard. He's clearly listening intently to his earpiece in case any threats occur. Oh, yes, Martina. Ooh. Obviously had some good news from his colleague.

You know, I was hoping I'd bump into you. I always wanted to tell you how good you were on that horse. Oh, how wonderful to hear. It really is good to chat to a proper sports fan, you know. So many people here are just freeloaders.

No, I mean, I've always loved sports. But weren't you the Prime Minister who sold off every school sports field to Barrett Holmes? No, no, no, no, no, that was the guy after. Don't check. So which sports are you into particularly? Oh, all of them. All the sport. How do you feel about rhythmic gymnastics?

Don't tell me you're a fan. It is my absolute favourite. Oh, mine too. You know, I do the commentary for the BBC's coverage. Well, as someone who's definitely watched rhythmic gymnastics, I obviously know that. You could be the answer to my dreams. Gabby Logan stopped out from co-commentating tomorrow morning

because, and I quote, she can't be arsed. How would you like to fill in? Shouldn't you hire an actual commentator? Oh, no can do. The BBC sports budget's razor thin. Nearly all of it goes to Lineker. You know he's building a gold swimming pool in the shape of a crisp. The man's obsessed.

So what did you say? Well, obviously I love the sport. Brilliant. See you tomorrow. See you tomorrow then. Oh, Natalie. Oh, hello Guy. Funny meeting you here. In the queue for the gents.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. What a funny and clever thing to say to me, a lady. Oh, right, OK. Well, it's lovely to see you again. The old Commons wasn't the same after you and Henry left. For one thing, those poison pen lessons to Penny Moore didn't stop. She shouldn't have called Henry weak. But I miss our chats.

Well, I've got time to chat now. You know what I'd love to talk about? Any scandals you're involved in, apart from the USB thing and the other USB things. You don't want to talk about scandals. Oh, I do. I want to talk about it while holding my phone out like this. Ignore the red light,

that's always on. I find talking about scandals really sexy. Oh, well, there was one thing that never came out, thank God. It was huge. The press got hold of it. I'd be toast. Ooh, I love toast. Well, you see, you see, me and another minister were put in charge of school furniture procurement during a push to update classrooms.

We found a great price from a supplier, but we didn't read the description properly. So when it turned up, we had to hush up the fact that we'd spent 1.2 billion on civilian families' furniture. Suppose you find that sexy, do you, Natalie? Where's she gone?

Natalie's done it. Oh, God. What, are the police involved? No, no, no. We've got dirt on Guy. He'll have to resign. Guy told me about a time when him and another minister wasted over a billion pounds on tiny dolls' furniture. If that gets out, he'll never get another job again. Or the idiot who was working with him. We might even free up another position somewhere.

Ah. Um. Ah. Oh, no. Henry. It wasn't my fault. It was hard to tell from the photos. The internet, it's a very confusing place. Oh, you don't have to tell me, sir. I tried to find barbecue supplies online and made the mistake of googling hot meat and baps.

I had to... I had to throw my hard drive in the sea. Well, that's one of our prongs going nowhere. How about you, Henry? Any success selling yourself as a sports enthusiast? Yes, maybe a tad too much success. Oh, what have you done? I may have accepted a position

commentating on the television coverage of the rhythmic gymnastics tomorrow morning. Oh, great. And how are you going to bluff through the fact you know less about gymnastics than Nadine Dorries knows about culture, media and sport? Have a bit of faith. I'm a champion bluffer, even when I know nothing about the subject. I did it every week at PMQs.

And how did that turn out for you? You may have a small point there. Can't you pull out? Just say you've gone temporarily blind. Well, that got you out of the Leveson inquiry. Oh, no. Guy spotted us. Guy! Twice in one day. What a treat. Hi, Natalie.

Everyone else. I don't know what you've done, Henry, but Barbara has been singing your praises, thinks the sun shines out of your, um, thingy. If a space on the committee does come up, I expect I'll be seeing you soon. Excellent.

Oh, and Natalie. Hi. While I'm here, what are you doing tomorrow? Anything Henry tells me to. Ah. And would that maybe leave room for you to come out with me at any point? I really don't think...

She'll be there. I will. You will? Excellent. How about a canal boat ride? As long as there's no tunnels. It's a date. Until tomorrow. Bye, then.

Natalie, this is your chance to grill Guy, find dirt on any other committee member you can, and I will learn everything there is to know about rhyming gymnastics. Oh, rhythmic, dear. Mr Puppy. Now, what a move. Graceful, elegant. Henry Turban, you'd have to say this is quite a surprising routine from the young Bermudan.

Quite, yes. It's very rhythmic. But at the same time, I'd have to say unmistakably gymnastic. Oh, there she goes. Jesus, did you see that? Oh, I wish you'd got a lamb in her head. It was amazing. She's really laying down a marker here.

Now she's looking to pull off a version of Bessanova's Swan. Here she goes and... Snog her dog! That is brilliant! Slight movement of the feet on the landing, though. That is a shame. Oh, cut us some slack, Bob. She was 20 feet in the air. So what, her feet didn't snap? Hard to know what the judges will make of it.

How would you be scoring if you were them? Oh, I think I would have to give it an A. You can't score it an A. How to score that routine isn't the question here. The real question is, was it gymnastics? And for me, it's a yes. Thank you and goodbye. There's 11 more routines to go.

Oh, great. Oh, dear, would you believe, I've gone temporarily blind. I've never been on a canal boat before, Guy. You know, Birmingham actually has more canals than Venice. More branches of Argos, too. Wow, it really is lovely. Oh, what are those men doing over there on the towpath? Spice.

Right. What shall we talk about? Oh, I know. What about scandals? There's nothing I find sexier in a man than scandals. Really? Why? Um, oh, yeah, I don't know.

Come on, give me the gossip. Well, have you heard the one about Seb Coe? Six toes on his left foot. That's why he always ran faster anti-clockwise. Oh. Right, no, anything a bit bigger involving, I don't know, you or any other members of the committee? Something like the dolls furniture thing?

Oh, don't. I'm so glad that never came out. Not for me, but it could have really hurt Henry's career. And I've never been able to live with myself. Henry was always a bit of a hero to me. You wouldn't understand. I might. But we were talking about scandals.

No, no, don't. What? I can't do this. I've been lying to you, Guy. I came here to trick you into admitting to a scandal so we could force you to resign from the committee. But I can't because I actually like you and... You were just using me.

Only at first and after that. Pretty much up until right now, actually, but now I really am having a great time. I can't believe you'd do that. Just to find out about things like the massive scandal in Swaziland. Well, I'm not spilling the beans on that, even though every member was implicated.

Sorry, Natalie, but I'm getting off here. Guy, wait! Guy! You dropped your USB stick! Could the honour of a great javelin please report to reception? Also a paramedic. You're sure it was Swaziland? Yes, but I really hurt him, and he's actually a lovely guy. Yes, yes.

We will make a politician out of you yet, Natalie. So, what happened in Swaziland? I don't know, but it sounded really bad. Nearly as bad as the look in his eyes when he ran off. It was such a romantic date until then. Even when that man weed off the bridge onto the boat. Like Venice rain. Talking of making a mess of yourself in public, Henry. until then, even when that man weed off the bridge onto the boat. Like Venice rain.

Talking of making a mess of yourself in public, Henry. What, think I got away with that? Yes, the bit where you described a gymnast as being good at the flippy bits and the jumpy bits really made you sound like you know your onions. Come on, it wasn't that bad. Think I managed to smooth it over with Barbara off air in the VIP tent.

How are things going, your side of the prong? Well, we know something bad happened in Swaziland once, but Natalie grew some sort of conscience before finding out what it was. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I will resign immediately and throw myself into the canal. I'm sure that's not necessary just yet. Oh, come on, Jones, it's not that bad. Jones?

Jones, have you got your headphones in again? I'm sorry, sir, it's Martina's just married a long-time partner, Julia Lemigulva. It's really quite beautiful. We need ideas, Jones, not heartwarming lesbian sporting stories. We've got a chance of saving my reputation and our finances, and it's slipping away. Maybe not. We might actually have everything we need. Did you say Barbara was in the VIP tent?

Yes, but... Leave it to me. Just a little one, thank you. One shouldn't really drink at these occasions, but... Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry. I jostled your... Oh, my! It's Barbara Beresford, isn't it? It is! And you are? I am.

We met at Princess Anne's little thing the other year. So much fun. So many horses. That does sound like Anne. So lucky I bumped into you, actually. I've just been talking to a mutual friend at the Telegraph, mentioning no names, though we both know who, right? Do we? Exactly. Wink.

It's just, well, bad news, I'm afraid. The Swaziland thing is about to break. What Swaziland thing? Oh, come on, Barb, you know very well what Swaziland thing. How did they find out? Well, it was always going to get out, wasn't it? I mean, I've known for ages, but obviously I'd never spill a detail. Of course, yes. Thank you.

But not everyone is quite as dependable as me, was the pity. And, well, if I were you, I'd let any person or persons who were involved in any specific activities in Swaziland during a set period of time know that it might be good for them to get ahead of the news and maybe put themselves or selves out of the way for a while. For the sake of the committee, obviously. Obviously, yes. Oh, dear. I'll get right on to it.

Thank you so much. I really don't know what I'd do without you. Yes, I dread to think. And she believed you? Hook, line and sinker. Look, you know I don't get football references. Ah! leave to you? Hook, line and sinker. Look, you know I don't get football references.

Ah. Do you know, it's so exhilarating stabbing someone in the back like that again. Must be what Michael Gove feels like 80% of the time. I think it feels inhuman. Like Michael Gove feels the other 20. I'm pretty sure

a resignation will be announced any time soon. We should get back to the hotel and turn on News 24. Find out who it actually was and what they did. Miss Jones. Oh, here he comes. Oh, sorry about that. Had to go and pee in a little plastic cup. But you're not competing in anything.

Nope. Everyone else was doing it and I didn't want to miss out. to get anything. Nope. Everyone else was doing it and I didn't want to miss out. After a series of short chrissignations from the Commonwealth

Games Committee. I apologise unreservedly for my behaviour in Swaziland, both to the committee and to that specific goat. I was led to believe that cocaine

was a suitable treatment for a knee injury. I now know that this is wrong. Whilst I stand by my actions, I concede now that forcing the homeless to make love at gunpoint was an error of judgement. I haven't seen that many people resign since Boris Johnson's last birthday party. birthday party.

The only committee member not to resign was former Genuine Minister Guy Parker, who was later sacked having mislaid a USB stick containing the personal details of every competing athlete in a cafe near all. Brilliant. We've taken out the whole committee. Might be worth calling round to see if anyone else wants to be on it.

Would be good to have a few people owing us favours. Better clear the diary for all the free holidays we'll be going on. Well, that shouldn't take long, my love. Any chance of a tennis trip to Rivnici in the central Bohemian region of the Czech Republic? No reason. You know what, Jones? Why the hell not? Yes. And all those dinners.

I'm going to need a new tux. And new ski outfits. And beachwear. Are you OK, Natalie? You'd normally be, if anything, slightly too involved in discussions about me buying new clothes. I'm just thinking about his sad little face. He seems so nice. I think I actually like him.

You could just call him, you know. I did, but he didn't pick up. Not a great sign. Though there's a pretty good chance he's just left his phone on a bus. I think I know where he'll be, though. Fly, little stone. I thought I'd find you here.

Leave me alone. I'm skimming stones and feeling sad. I think that was a USB drive. Not again. Have you come to gloat about losing me my job? Of course not. Just leave me here on this beautiful canal with my thoughts. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and that I really do like you.

What are you trying to trick me into telling you now? Was the Swaziland story not enough? Look, Guy, I might have gone on that first date with you for the wrong reasons, but I'd like to go on a date with you for the right reasons. Can we start again? If you really mean it, I'd like that. I'd like that too. So we can go on a proper date sometime?

Of course. And you must have plenty of spare time working for Henry. Yeah. What's that mean? Well, I like the man, but he's not exactly at the forefront of public life anymore. I mean, what does he even do now? It's a little bit sad, really, that he's still clinging on to...

I hate you! What? What? Help me! I only help one person, and sometimes his wife. Henry, wait for me! We'd like to welcome you all to this 20.05 service to London Euston. We are pleased to remind customers that free Wi-Fi is available on this train. For about 30 minutes as we pass Leighton Buzzard.

Right, time to call Barbara and confirm my place on the committee. Jones, is the champagne on ice? Oh, yes, sir. Although the buffet car sold out of champagne. And alcohol. In fact fact all drinks. All I could get was some shortbread, but I have put it on ice. Oh, well, we'll be drowning in champagne soon enough. Like guys hopefully drowning in that canal. The traitor. Henry! Barbara! Barb's. Just seen the news on that Swaziland business. God knows how something like that got out. We'll probably never know. Still, with all those resignations,

I'd imagine you're looking for new committee members, and I would be delighted to come on board and really help clean things up. Henry, you would be absolutely perfect for the committee. Yes. But unfortunately, there is no longer a committee. It's been decided the only way to detoxify the whole bloody brand for the committee. Yes. But unfortunately, there is no longer a committee. It's been decided the only way to detoxify the whole bloody brand

is to disband it and sell the entire Commonwealth Games to Budweiser. Such a shame. We were so impressed by you, we were even going to increase the size of the committee to make room for you.

Oh, well, thank you for keeping me in the loop. Even if it does feel like the loop's currently tightening around my neck. Ah, maybe that went a bit too well. We were so close to having everything we wanted, but once again we're beaten at the ribbon thingy.

Finish line. And that. Oh, yes. You're not still listening to that audiobook, are you, Jones? I told you to stop. Oh, no, no. I just found a load of vol-au-vents in my pocket. Anyone for a mini quiche?

If anyone wants me, I'll be in the quiet coach. Screaming. Screaming. Parties Over was recorded at the Crescent Theatre in Birmingham. It starred Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy, Justin Edwards and David Momoli. It was Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy, Justin Edwards, and David Mominey. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. The producer was Richard Morris,

and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.