Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over - 2nd September

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

What happens when the prime minister suddenly stops being prime minister? One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking, 'What do I do now?'"I can't just disappear like Gordon Brown. They say he barely gets out of bed now. Just sits there doing word-searches and eating Kit Kat Chunkies. Miserable. I hate the chunky ones." Former British Prime Minister Henry Tobin.This week, the gang return to their old stomping ground on a mission to find their fortune.Starring Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Sidi and Justin Edwards.Written by Paul Doolan and Jon Hunter Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound recordist and designer: Jerry PealA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. OK, so today's emails, The electricity bill's going up. Again? I might switch back to paper bills. At least that way we could burn them for heat.

And you've had some more payments come through. £100 for your appearance on TV's Greatest Blunders. I don't remember recording that. Oh, no, you didn't. They just wanted to use footage of that time you trapped your tongue in the budget box. Oh, and there's an invoice for your appearance on Times Radio last week.

An invoice? Don't radio stations usually pay the guests, not the other way around? God, I should have known with the Murdochs. And a bill for £300 from a company called Ham Platters. You should probably just pay that one without thinking about it too much. Excellent news. Jeremy Beadle's risen from the grave and wants to buy my career for a prank show.

No, a new elite members' club is opening nearby. Bolingbroke House. They're saying it could be the new Soho Farmhouse. How wonderful. A new version of something I've never heard of in the first place. It's like a countryside version of the Groucho Club. Oh, don't look at me like that. Finally, this place is on the up.

We're going to be living in a hotbed of creative, artistic media types. Yes, I don't know who's trendier in the village. Old Glenn, who collects tractor parts, or Andrea and her 20 cats? Or it's Andrea, definitely. That dress she wears that's made out of tea towels. It's very chic. I'm just relieved that after missing out on our old London life,

finally London will be coming to us. There's just one fly in the ointment. The head of the membership committee is Penny Spencer. Didn't you go to school together? Yes, and she's hated me ever since. Plus I may have slightly lauded it over her when I was the PM's wife, which didn't help for those few months. Oh, I'm going to have to go grovelling now.

Henry, you're good at grovelling. What did you do when you had to grovel to your cabinet? Generally, I'd promise them honours, then remind them that if I went, they could end up with Suella Braverman in charge. Oh, look, Charlie Barber's in the news. Didn't he used to work for you? Oh, him? Yeah, he was my tech advisor for a while.

It was so annoying. He was trying to get me to invest in cryptocurrencies and blockchains and things. I wouldn't shut up about it. Yeah, I never liked those crypto people, that mix of uselessness, geekiness and toxic masculinity. Oh, that reminds me, you've still not replied to David Davis about his birthday wrestling weekend.

Not after the last one. Luckily, Barber left to set up his own cryptocurrency and I never had to hear from him again. Coin doc. My dad did something similar, actually. Invested in cryptocurrencies? No, but instead of a pension, he put all of his money in SO Tiger tokens.

He didn't even drive, but he just had a garage full of novelty drinking glasses, all full to the brim with petrol. I'm surprised you turned out as normal as you... Actually, no, that makes perfect sense. What did happen to Charlie Barber, anyway? Gone bust and he's after a job again? Well, Elon Musk just started buying up CoinDoc.

Well, if he wants help with Musk, I am the last person he should ask. Oh, I forgot about your beef with Musk. What was it he called you again? It doesn't matter what... An intellectual pygmy in charge of a failing country. Well, I proved him wrong, yeah. You were hardly in charge for five minutes. No, I got my own back.

Brought in a 10% tax on Teslas. Well, since he got involved, Coindock has skyrocketed. Looks like anyone who owns any is now very, very rich. Oh. Oh! I do own some. I bought five pounds of it just to shut him up. What's that worth now?

Would it get us a decent meal out? Well, today's looking up already. OK, it's... Right, 16.3. £16.30. It might have to be a cost to lunch, but still. £16.3 million. Oh.

Oh? How do we get it? Well, it's hard to remember what Charlie said. He was all crazy tech mumbo-jumbo. OK, he gave it to me on a hard drive, which is... ..which is somewhere. Think! Think like you've never thought before! I remember! I remember! I remember!

I was in the little conference room at the House of Commons. He gave me the drive and said something about it being a digital wallet and my coin dock would be sitting in there. So I'm sure I put it in that filing cabinet I used. Can you call someone and get them to check for you? They're politicians. I wouldn't trust any of them with my coffee mug, let alone £16 million. We'll get it ourselves.

Excellent. I'll give Penny a little call. I'm sure the fact we're about to be multimillionaires might grease the entry wheels to her club. Right, play it friendly. Penny, Christine Tobin. Christine, what a surprise to hear from you so soon after the announcement about the club. Oh, I was just phoning for a catch-up. What club's that? Oh, same old Christine. Oh, I was just phoning for a catch-up. What club's that?

Oh, same old Christine. Oh, one second. David, Victoria, kisses. Sorry, where were we, darling? Well, if you are looking for members at the moment, Henry and I would love to pop along. Surely you could find a way to let me jump the queue a little bit after everything we've been through?

We used to have such fun at school. Remember us teasing that awful posh girl who kept going on about her Bichon Frise? I love those dogs. Oh, yes! Yes! No, such great banter between good, good friends. Look, I have to go. Actual friends of mine are here. Oh, that is a shame.

We're about to come into a significant amount of money and we'll be on the lookout for somewhere to spend it. Chrissie, darling, we've all got a significant amount of money. Not regular money. Crypto money. We're absolutely loaded. Do you know Charlie Barber? The new crypto billionaire.

Do you know him? Oh, yes. Well, Henry and he are great buddies. The man practically worships Henry. It's embarrassing, really. Oh, why didn't you mention that sooner? I'll tell you what. Drop by the club at six today and I'll see if I can get you in front of the membership committee. I'm sure with a good word from me, we'll be able to get you, Henry, and Mr. Barber right to the top of the list. Lovely. The things we do for friendship, eh? Friendship, yes.

Oh, coming, Cherie, my Cherie. Ah, the Palace of Westminster. We've been through a lot, but I do miss the old girl. Ah, you should probably not have got sacked as PM then, Mr T. Then you'd be here all the time. Thank you, Jones. Don't know why I didn't think of that. I hate it here, the scene of the crime, where the disloyal rats turned on you and stabbed you in the back.

What possessed them? I think it was largely Mr Torbin's terrible popularity ratings and endless string of high-profile scandals. Thank you, Jones. What's the plan, then? We need to hurry this along. I have to be at Bolingbroke House for six. Well, as I said, we've got the makings of a classic heist.

We need to get in and out when nobody's seeing us. It's like Ocean's Eleven. Or we could just use my security pass and go in and get it. Yes, all that. Or I've not even had a chance to play my heist music on the car stereo. That says Enya. Yep. Can't beat a bit of Orinoco flow.

You OK leaving the car on the road outside Parliament, Jones? When did it get clamped? I've got an MI5 permit. I can park this baby anywhere. I spent most of yesterday parked in the ambulance bay at St Luke's Hospital. You're not ill, are you, Jones? No, not me, Mrs Teep. But the canteen there does the best all-day breakfast I've ever had. Right, come on, then. Let's Hospital. You're not ill, are you, James? No, not me, Mrs T, but the canteen there does the best

all-day breakfast I've ever had. Right, come on, then. Let's roll. OK, you three go first. Once we're in, your visitor passes will only get you so far, but, er, XPMs get to keep their access all areas. That's why Blair's always popping into steel envelopes. Next, please.

Er, there you go. Thank you. Next, please. There you go. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Afternoon. Oh, you're back, Jonesy. Yeah, just for a bit of a heist. Hike, walk, walk. Nothing really.

Just move along. We're in a hurry. There you go. Access denied. Oh, try it again. Sorry, Mr Tobin. your pass has been deactivated. This must be a mistake. I used to be the Prime Minister. Yes, I remember.

You were the one who cut our overtime and said it's not really that important a job. Ah, well, can't you just let me in for old time's sake? Well, after you called us all shaved apes in uniform. Right, point taken. I'll go. But before I do, you see that elderly couple three back in the queue? The ones with the walking frame and oxygen tank? Yeah. I've just heard them talking about bringing down the government. Right, you two, against that wall. Hands on your heads.

Jones, quick, give me a leg up over the barrier while she's not looking. OK, everyone, blend into that group before she sees us. Where are we going? I don't know. Keep your heads down, just through that arch. Hang on, these are all MPs. Why are they all walking in a line? Just blend in and do exactly what they do.

They're splitting into two groups. Stay to the right and keep your faces hidden. Someone's just counted me. Shh. Oh, I think we might have just voted for something. What? Well, shouldn't we own up? We haven't time.

Don't worry. Four votes won't make a difference. Follow me before anyone notices. I've got an idea about where we can hide to make a plan. Here we are. The Sinn Féin office. What? Why here?

Sinn Féin have an official commons office, but as they never take their seats, it's always empty. That's why I used to come for a nap when I wanted to get away from it all. Only stopped using it when Matt Hancock found out about it and started using it himself. Oh. Hopefully it's empty and, uh,

someone's wiped down the surfaces since Hancock left. Right, certainly looks unoccupied. Oh, shh, someone's sleeping in here. Behind the desk. Oh, no. Oh, no, it's Rosie Herbert. Who? Rosie Herbert, the chief snake. The viper who plunged the knife into Henry's back. She's the one who engineered my downfall,

the one I swore I'd always get revenge on. Did you pay any attention to my political career, darling? Yes, but it was very short. It's easy to forget things. Rosie Herbert. First she steals my career, then she steals my napping room. It's despicable, sir. A man's napping room is his castle. This could actually be perfect, though. Rosie's here. Asleep. Yes. We took her out of the window and into the Thames. Drown traitor.

Or I steal her security pass so we can get on with finding my old hard drive. Oh, yes. Both good plans. Can you hurry it up? I've just heard a text from Penny. The membership committee have brought forward my meeting to 5.30. Right, pass me those scissors, Jones. I'll cut the strap to the lanyard and lift the pass. Right, easy does it. Come to... What?

Henry? What are you doing with those scissors? Have you come for revenge? Oh, my God, the rumours are true. You have gone insane with bitterness. Rosie, it's not what it looks like. I was just in the area and popped in to borrow some scissors and was trying not to wake you.

As if. Security, security! No, no, no, no. It's OK. Shh. Actually, you're right, Rosie. What? I've got this.

You see, Henry has become embittered, but he wasn't trying to hurt you. The embarrassing truth is Henry can't live without this place. He still sneaks in every day and wanders the corridors, often weeping pathetically. That is not true. I see. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. But, Henry, you really should seek help. Oh, we're getting him help. The best therapists. He's riddled with issues.

I am not. We'll get out of your hair. Really? The best excuse you can come up with is I'm a bitter, resentful shell of a man suffering a breakdown and clinging on to the past? I seem the most believable. Yeah, I bought it. Let's just move. We need to find another pass. It's 2pm. I know where everyone will be now. The House of Commons bar.

One place you're guaranteed to find an MP. Oh, it's amazing. They've got the old spitting image puppet of Margaret Thatcher. No, that's Liz Truss. Don't make eye contact or she'll come and talk to us. Let's not hang around. Yes, I need to meet Penny. Also, I don't think I ever settled my tab.

Wait, how are we going to do this? Are we going to get someone alone and mug them? I reckon I could take most of the people in here. Except Emily Thornberry. She's got that look in her eye. You know, she'd knife you as soon as she glanced at you. Oh, I'm quite good at taking things off people without them noticing, sir. Back on the compound, the glorious leader used to send me and some of the other kids out

collecting donations from unsuspecting tourists. I was the best at getting watches. Did you also sing about food, glorious food? Yeah, sometimes. Right, I'll be back in a minute. Who's that in the corner over there doing press-ups? Dominic Raab. Don't look, he just wants the attention.

Oh, hello, Henry. Wonderful showing at PMQs last week. Philip, you do know I'm not Prime Minister anymore, don't you? Really? Since when? Several years now. You're pulling my leg. Oh, you heard the news?

Big vote happened earlier. Return of capital punishment. Nobody was expecting it, but somehow, passed by four votes. Oh, that's sad. Places in uproar. Protesters are already descending out there. Anyway, must go. Lunch with a lobbyist again today. See you back at the bar for drinkies later?

Why not? Did we accidentally bring back the death penalty? Sort of. Maybe. We didn't mean to. Come on, where's Natalie? It's nearly 2.30 and I want to get out of here before anyone else sees me. I'm back! Really are good at sneaking up on people. Did you get a pass? Yes, here.

And also this silver pocket watch and this. A velvet bag full of pre-decimalisation currency. You got Rhys Mogg, didn't you? Yeah, he was asleep in the corner, hiding his face under a top hat. Right, come on then, let's get through that security door before he wakes up and starts shouting for Nanny. Right, everybody through? Good.

OK, Jones, Natalie, you two keep lookout in case security arrive. Henry and I will find this drive. And if you see anyone coming... Shoot them. No, no, just give us this drive. And if you see anyone coming... Shoot them. No. No. Just give us a sign. Right. Gotcha. So you know it's me, I'll say the air in Rotterdam

is clear this time of year. And I'll say someone's coming. That'll have to do. Come on, Christine. I'll get the lights. Oh, it looks different. This looks more like someone's office than a committee room.

They can't have changed things around. This is the House of Commons. Nothing changes around here. They still sell marathon bars in the tea room. Just get looking. I'll take the desk, you take the fighting cabinets. Just papers here. I wonder whose all this stuff is. Cup of coffee's still warm. I hope they don't... What is going on in here? Rosie!

Um, surprise! Happy birthday to you. Henry, are you burgling my office? I knew you were up to something before. I'm going to call the police. It's for your own good. No, no, no, it's an innocent mistake. OK, I'll level with you. I left something here when it

used to be the committee room. If it's the mini fridge, number ten took that. And the karaoke machine and the stripper pole. No, no, no. Something really important that I just need to get and then I will leave. What sort of thing sounds juicy? Careful, Henry. You can't tell her. Um,

my old world's best PM mug. Have you seen it? Wow. You really can't let go of the past, can you? It's like I explained earlier. We're going to find the mug and take it to his next therapist appointment. They think it could help bring closure. Anyway, we should go look somewhere else.

Actually, Rosie, where have the old cabinets gone? Most of them are lobbying for banks, I think. No. The filing cabinets that were in here. Maybe the mug's in one of those. Everything got shifted down to the basement storeroom. All the old useless craps in there. Surprised you're not there yourself.

I am fine. Everything is going great for me. Yes, he's finally getting the help he needs. Now, could you please leave? I've enough on my plate with everything that's kicking off over this capital punishment bill. How the hell did it pass? We'll probably never know. The air in Rotterdam is

um... What was it again? Yes, thank you, Jones. Right, which way is the storeroom? Thank you, Jones. Right, which way is the storeroom? OK, right. Shut the door in case anyone sees us. Clearly can't depend on lookouts. So much stuff in here.

Everything that's been mothballed and lost in Westminster. Oh, there's Nadine Doris's full-size cardboard Boris. Look, Sarah, a portrait of Tony Blair, signed, To Gordon, Love Tony. And someone's punched a hole right through the face.

We haven't got time to rifle through everything. Christine's right. Just go through every filing cabinet until we find the hard drive. Oh, yes. Have you found it?

Nope, there's some cracking tractor porn magazines in this one. Britain's dirtiest crop sprayer. Oh, wow, look at this, sir. A document planning to overthrow the government and replace the PM with a communist-controlled puppet. Oh, that's just the Labour 2017 manifesto.

Here we are. There's a box belonging to Mr H. Chauvin. Ooh, let me see, let me see. Oh, look at this. It's a box belonging to Mr H. Chauvin. Ooh, let me see, let me see. Oh, look at this. It's like opening a time capsule. Oh, here's the folder full of angry letters demanding his resignation. And that memo from the Foreign Office warning you about something in Wuhan. Oh. I should probably have read that.

Oh, and you really did have a novelty world's best PM mug. How sweet. I assume Natalie got you that? Actually, I pinched it from Jeremy Hunt. Hang on. Is this the conference room filing cabinet? I think it might be. Oh, please be here. Oh, no, that's just an old Subway sandwich. Someone must have left here years ago.

Oh, if it's a meatball marinara, I'll have it. Wait, here it is! The drive! Yes! Oh, we're in the money! Oh, time to celebrate! Come on, then. Let's get home and start thinking about where to spend it. That's a bit stiff. Right, better put some welly into it. God, it won't open. Must have jammed shut when we closed it.

We just need someone stronger to do it. Let me try. Oh, no. Jones! It's all right, sir. I'll have this knocked down in no time. I'll just get my shoulder braced, get my head down and... Your head? Yep.

Oh, so just me or has everything gone sideways? Are you OK, Jones? I mean, as OK as you usually are. Oh, yes, thanks, you huge talking pelican. I'll just shake it off. What, it's got it? Now, I just need to wait until this blinding light's gone. I cannot get stuck down here.

I need to call Penny and warn her I might be late. Oh, damn, no phone reception. Henry, this is serious. If I stand Penny up, she might be late. Oh, damn, no phone reception. Henry, this is serious. If I stand Penny up, she'll never let us join. Money or no money. Oh, she can hold a grudge with that one. Oh, I've hated that about her since school. Well, hang on. There's some water pipes here. These have got to lead upstairs. If we tap out a Morse code message, one of the security guards should hear it and come to investigate. Do you know Morse code? Yep. I've got this, Mrs T. Right.

Isn't that the cricket theme tune? Oh, is it? Oh, right. I guess I don't know Morse code, then. Anyone got any other ideas? ideas? We've been here for three hours. I'm already late for the panel. Just when the link to a cool new arty set was in my grasp, I had it all planned out. I was going to take up tennis, maybe a couple of games with Amal Clooney, then mixed doubles with George and you, and then one day Amal would be busy with work and you'd be stuck in

traffic, so it'd just be me and George. And George would confess he's always harboured feelings for me, not that he would leave Amal for me, of course, but there's something there, you know, and we'd play and the game would be hard and passionate and sweaty, and at the end we'd hug and then kiss,

an innocent kiss, more an au revoir than a declaration of love, but we'd hug and then kiss, an innocent kiss. More an au revoir than a declaration of love, but we'd both know. So you've not given it much thought, then? Sorry, I'm just a little bit stressed. We're all stressed. We could be stuck in here for days. I volunteer to be killed and eaten if it'll save your life, sir. I'm sure that won't be necessary, Natalie.

Well, I've checked the food situation and we've only got a selection of vegetable samosas, three chicken legs and a bag of mini muffins. Well, that's what I've got in my trousers anyway. Don't forget that mouldy sandwich. No, I ate that earlier. Very fizzy for a sandwich. We have got a

rather more pressing matter at hand, I'm afraid. I had a rather lot of coffee earlier, and I could do with a relaxation break. Oh, Henry. It's a completely natural thing. Now, please, turn around while I urinate into this novelty mug.

You don't have to ask twice. Shielding my eyes. Right. Now, jacket off. Undo shirt. Don't want splashes. Think of waterfalls. I heard banging and... Oh, my God, Henry! What are you doing?

Rosie, Rosie, I can explain. You can explain why you're in the basement of an abandoned storeroom urinating into your world's best PM mug? Yes, er, he lives here now. What? His obsession with Parliament and clinging on to the past, Henry's left home and lives down here now, crying and doing his business into that mug.

The only toilet he knows. You don't honestly expect her to believe... Poor, poor Henry. I know we've not always got on, but if you're really struggling, I could throw some work your way. We could do with someone

dealing with lobbyists from the gallows industry. There's suddenly a lot of work and they are very strange people. Rosie, you do not need to feel sorry for me. I'm not a failure. I am a very rich man who can't hang around in this basement all weekend and who doesn't need a patronising job offer from a hateful backstabber like you. Come on, we're leaving. I don't suppose you've got another fizzy sandwich, have you? Come on, Jones! Death to the death penalty!

Hang the government! Hang the government! Death to the death penalty! Hang the government! I've not seen this many angry people since you cut the state pension so you could afford a raise for MPs. It's amazing that even when you've been

out of office for years, you can still somehow implement really unpopular policies. Well, at least this time I won't be losing my job over it. Maybe ahead, though. Quiet, everyone. I'm calling Penny. Oh, God, I can barely hear over this crowd. She might still be at the club. I'm sure she'll understand if I...

Penny! Oh, it's you. Don't bother coming to the club. Oh, of course. There's the Penny I remember from school. The stuck-up one who has no time to listen to her friends as she's too busy being superior. Well, you know what?

I wouldn't want to be seen in your crappy club anyway, full of has-beens and barely millionaires. You can stick it up your Bichon Frise. I was going to say, don't bother coming to the club as I've been stuck in traffic for an hour because of these death penalty protests. I've sent you several voicemails. We wanted you to come tomorrow morning instead. Oh, yes. That will be the voicemails coming through now.

Great. So see you tomorrow. Sorry, I'm going to be at my country members' club tomorrow, the one you'll never set foot in. Oh, well, she'll come crawling back to us when we've cashed in our new riches. Not sure what to buy first, a new house or start small. I've always fancied a boat. Er, maybe not, Mr Tobin.

Why are you looking like that, Natalie? Because this is my face. Oh, you mean the serious bit. Yes, I just saw the news. Elon Musk pulled out of the Coindock deal after he found out Charlie Barber used to work for that useless prick who taxed my Teslas. He might not have meant you.

Damn you, Musk. So how much is my wallet worth? It's worthless. Which isn't so bad. You know, it's almost like priceless. Well, that is just wonderful. Trust Musk to pull out. The world would be a better place if his bloody father had pulled out.

So, no millions, no new club, and your work colleagues saw you urinating into a cup. We've had better Fridays. True. We've also had worse. Oh, let's just go home and try to forget any of this happened. Isn't the car around here somewhere, James? I think so, yeah. I thought I parked it by that bollard, you know, just where that large black scorch mark and smoking tyres are.

You did put the MI5 pass in the window, didn't you? I might have done. Oh, right. Well, seeing as it's worthless, Jones, take this hard drive and throw it in the tent. Can do, sir. It's not all bad, sir. I managed to save your world's best PM mug for you. Oh, thank you, Natalie.

Oh, great, it's still full. A fitting end to a perfect day. Anything else to make it worse? Oh, erm... No, but it's about to get a lot better. Breaking news. Apparently Jeff Bezos has invested in Coindock to annoy Musk and they're worth even more than before.

You're looking at hundreds of millions. Oh, brilliant. Oh, no. Jones! Jones! Run! Catch him! Oh, God, he's passed for a massive Geordie. Jones! him. Oh God, he's passed for a massive Geordie. Jones!

Jones!