Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over - 5th August

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

What happens when the Prime Minister suddenly stops being Prime Minister? One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'"I can't just disappear like Gordon Brown. They say he barely gets out of bed now. Just sits there doing word-searches and eating Kit Kat Chunkies. Miserable. I hate the chunky ones." Former British Prime Minister Henry Tobin.Henry hopes that an invitation to make a speech will be the passport he needs to a regular slot on the international lecture circuit.Starring Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Sidi, Justin Edwards and David Mumeni.Recorded at The Crescent Theatre in Birmingham.Written by Paul Doolan and Jon Hunter Producer: Richard Morris Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound recordist and designer: Chris MacleanA BBC Studios Production.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. You can't do this. My readers need my column. Fine, OK, technically you can do this. I know I don't have that many readers, but I operate on a scale of quality, not quantity.

Well, I don't need you. Don't you think the wife of a former prime minister isn't drowning in offers to write a column? Hello? Hello? They can stick it up their arse. Maybe not the Saturday edition. Rather a lot of supplements. I I to take it that you've lost your column? Yes, apparently readers aren't engaging with it online sufficiently and the

content is, quote, too frothy. Frothy? What about your hard-hitting pieces, I panic bought a toasty maker and what type of wine glass am I? Oh, I agree, Mrs T. It's up there with anything Adrian Charles is putting out. Absolutely. Pull it, Sir Worthy. You might find this funny, but that was the only job between us. I'm unemployed. What, from your 30 minutes a week job? Look on the bright side.

At least now you'll have time to do those things the job was getting in the way of, like your wordle commitments. They wouldn't dare do this if we were still in the public eye. Henry, we're becoming irrelevant. Nonsense. I was on Sky News only last week. At 4am. Commenting on a feature about the changing sizes of quality street tins. They're getting smaller, I'm convinced.

That was a great feature, that, Mr T. It's up there with anything Adrian Charles is putting out here. People don't care about us any more. Jones, how much hate mail have we had in the last month? None. See, this time last year you could barely see the doormat. It was like Christmas. Yes, such halcyon days.

Great news, Mr Tovin. Oh, what is it? Some lovely death threats? Perhaps someone shoved a dead rat through the letterbox. That would be great, wouldn't it, Christine? No, no-one's sent rodents since 2020. No, I've managed to get you on the lecture circuit. Oh, finally. You're going to treat them to your nightly lecture

on how to load the dishwasher? Well, I am sorry, but not putting bowls upside down is madness. They fill with water. And not that the idea of Henry giving a lecture isn't exciting enough, but will this actually pay? I mean, the gas bill arrived this morning. It had more zeros than your last poll rating. How much are they offering, Natalie?

A solid five figures? That would be a good start. Let's just say it's hundreds of pounds. Where is it, anyway? Cambridge? Ooh, Harvard. Yale is too much to hope for, isn't it? Is it Yale? It's Yale, isn't it? International Waters. It's on a cruise ship. Right, well, I'm not doing that.

Oh, thank God. I swore I'd never go on a boat again. Not after Liz Truss's canal barge hen do. You never told me what happened on... What happened on the Cheshire Ring stays on the Cheshire Ring. I don't see the point in cruises anyway. You spend half your time desperate for land, fighting pensioners for finger food like it was day three of party conference, then dock at some damp industrial hellhole

no-one has ever wanted to go to of their own free will. It's only four days, then we dock at Reykjavik and stay at a five-star hotel to see the Northern Lights. Although it is vitally important that you get your ideas out there, so we should probably go. You mean it's vitally important that you get a free holiday? No! I'm not just thinking of a free holiday. I'm a respected

journalist with a window in my busy schedule and a free trip to Reykjavik. I could pitch a piece to the Sunday Times and turn it into a regular writing gig as a travel writer. I do need a new career. Ah, there's my wife. While lesser mortals would only see a travel writer. I do need a new career. Ah, there's my wife. While lesser mortals would only see a free trip, she sees an entire new career and a lifetime of paid-for holidays.

Thank you, my love. Meanwhile, my reputation takes a hammering. I mean, come on, you don't see Barack Obama giving a keynote speech to a bunch of seasick pensioners. Honestly, do they have nothing to offer on dry land? The company do run American lecture tours, but they said they'd only consider you for one after they'd tried you out somewhere lower profile.

It's not a bad idea to start small. You genuinely are a good speaker, when you're not being heckled by the opposition, and your own party, and people in the street. Oh, the greatest speaker ever. Like 50 Churchills, 1,000 Hitlers.

I... The greatest speaker ever. Like 50 Churchills. A thousand Hitlers. I don't even know where to begin with that, Natalie. This is not perfect, but I suppose it's a start. A bit of the old, we stand here on the tide of history, voyaging towards a new future. That could help with my rehabilitation. I'll have a captive audience. It's good to be a big fish in a smaller pond.

It's quite a big pond, really, the sea. When you think about it, it's nature's biggest. Although you'll be a sitting duck in international waters, Mr Tobin. I'll need to get into shape. We're going to have pirates coming at us from every angle. Ah, yes, those famous North Sea pirates. Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm in perfect shape. I'll do my legendary SAS training regime. The hardest, most gruelling

training known to the Special Forces. It begins now. Well, actually, I'll start after Bargain Hunt. Um, so I think our cabins are along here. I asked for the Royal Suite for a man of your stature, but the woman kept asking what stature, and I explained who you were,

and she explained she genuinely had no idea who you were, and I asked her if she was a bitch every day or just trying it out that day, and long story short, you didn't get the royal suite. So it really is quite an impressive boat, if you ignore the other clientele and shut your eyes and picture a more impressive boat. I'm sure they'll

all be looking forward to your first lecture tonight, sir. I know I am. I've only heard it nine times. I was impressed. I can never normally sleep in the car, but you have me out like a light. I'm actually looking forward to it now. I've got a cracking new joke about quantitative easing. Are you sure

you want to try telling a joke? They don't always go well for you. Remember when you told that one about the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman and nearly reversed the Good Friday agreement? Don't take it personally, but you are very, very bad at them. How am I meant to not take that personally? Anyway, Lucy at the time

said she can't wait for my piece on Reykjavik as the next big celebrity destination. If this goes well, she basically said it'll become a regular thing. Look at us, a regular literary power couple. Oh, like Richard and Judy. Thank you, Natalie. Do keep up, Jones. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It just hurts when I move.

And when I don't. Do you think you maybe overdid it with your training? I mean, some of the noises you were making, I haven't heard anything like it since Jacob Rees-Mogg found those etchings of Victorian ladies' ankles. I won't lie, sir, I've pulled several muscles in my legs,

shoulders and general buttock region. I think I've even pulled an eye. But it's OK, because I found some brilliant painkillers online. They're from Latvia. And, God, is that a cat boxing? Sorry. Sorry, what was I saying?

Look, you need to be on top alert, Jones. I watched a documentary on cruises and there's always at least one murder and Kenneth Branagh has to solve it. Excellent point, Natalie. But even more pressingly, who's looking forward to my lecture tonight? Oh, unfortunately, I might have to miss it.

You see, this article is important, so I'm going to soak in the atmosphere on the boat and get as much written before we get there as I can. So I don't have to waste any time in Reykjavik actually writing. I hear Ernest Hemingway did much the same thing. I'm so excited! It's going to be the best speech ever.

People will try to tell you it's impossible to make a difference. And whilst we may be eight people... LAUGHTER Seven people. You go to the toilet and just... Just going. Great. I'll stop him, sir. No, no, no, Natalie, let him go.

Right, who wants to hear the quantitative easing joke again? Woo! Yeah! Who apart from Natalie? Well, let's just finish it there, shall we? That was brilliant, sir. How do you do it? Underwhelm the world's smallest lecture audience. Well, apparently it comes naturally. Where was everyone? I thought this would be a sell-out.

They're probably at the other show in the main theatre, sir. What other show? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. I am humbled by your applause, and you are honoured to be in the presence of the magnificent Juan. For my next trick, I need a simple, everyday bottle. Now, where can I find one of those, I ask?

Karamazov! Out of thin air! It really is magnificent. Oh, it's definitely impressive. It's definitely impressive. It's just simple parlor tricks. Since the dawn of time, man has sought to understand the mystery of bottles.

What? Rub them once. Nothing. Rub them twice. Nothing. But three times? Karamazov! A tiger!

How did he get a tiger out of that bottle? Oh, my God, he's a witch. Burn him. Get to the bunker. Sorry, reflex. Right, that's enough of that rubbish. Let's go. I mean, that is just proof that anything will draw an audience if you put it in the right room. That was the best magic show I've ever seen. When I once saw a man make a whole hog roast disappear.

It was me, and it ruined my parents' anniversary barbecue, but it was magic. Thank you for that, Jones. Riveting. I'm not surprised nobody's coming to my lecture if I'm up against that lowest common denominator rubbish. Typical of the public, choosing flash gimmicks over serious political discourse. I'm not surprised nobody's coming to my lecture if I'm up against that lowest common denominator rubbish. Typical of the public, choosing flash gimmicks over serious political discourse. It's the Miliband brothers all over again.

I should be in a proper theatre, not in that storeroom. It's a boutique performance venue, sir, not a storeroom. My dressing room is made out of boxes of paper napkins. I'm going to have a word with the captain. I can't be expected to perform if I don't have an audience. But the audience won't come unless I'm in the right venue. It's a classic chicken and egg situation.

Right, good point. Must be nearly dinner time. Oh, there it is. Captain's table. Yes, much more like it. I wonder if the Times will buy an article on luxury cruising. When we get the chance to talk to the captain, let me go first. I need to charm him and talk him into giving me the better room. Why are you following us, Jones?

You and Natalie have got your own seats with the normal people. I should probably sit up there with you, sir, for protection. I'm in a gourmet buffet. That's exactly where pirates are most likely to strike. That's why you've got four plates, is it? To protect me? I can't fight pirates on an empty stomach. Ooh, gammon. Mr Tobin, Mrs Tobin, I'm Captain Pomfret. Welcome. Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting you to be...

Henry. So young. Please take a seat. If you don't mind a slight delay, we're still waiting for our other VIP guest, the Magnificent One. Don't know if you've had a chance to meet him yet? I saw enough. I'll go and stand out the way over there by that table with the massive prawns.

Captain Pomfret. Oh, call me Rebecca. Rebecca, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what is it actually like being such a young female captain? Well, you must have so many fascinating anecdotes that could be, say, turned into an award-winning column or something. Have you always wanted to be a captain? Oh, always. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember running to my parents and telling them,

Mummy, Daddy, I want to be the captain of a ship. I learned to row, then to sail. By 12, I was piloting dinghies. By 14, I could handle a yacht. I did the training, worked my way through the ranks, fighting sexism and oppression at every stage. This is gold.

And finally, I broke through the glass ceiling and became the youngest female ship's captain in cruise liner history. Wow. Yeah. And that day, I realised something I will take to the grave with me. And what's that? Please speak slowly so I can get it all down. Being captain of a cruise liner is bloody boring.

You what? Yeah. Dull as hell. All that training and the only thing I'm qualified to do is drive around on the stupid sea. I mean, look at it out there. Like it's mocking me. Soggy wet bastard. Okay. Rebecca. Captain. Rebecca, Captain, my Captain,

I was hoping to chat to you about my lecture. The turnout today wasn't great. No, I heard. Well, tomorrow I would love it if I could have bigger room. I mean, this is a classy cruise. Having the main attraction to be a tawdry magician, I mean, isn't that a little... Spectacular!

Whoa! Wow! Where did he come from? Straight from robbing Liberace's grave from the look of his clothing. You must be Henry. I heard about your show. Looks like I'm not the only one doing magic on the cruise. He managed to make half his audience vanish.

I love that. Very good. Hey, some people stuck around. One lady was still there long after it, didn't she? Yeah, I meant to tell you about that. She was dead. Lucky thing. Wish I could die. That'd be a nice way to escape being a captain. It's the room

It's too small I need to be in the big theatre to really connect with my audience Impossible I cannot perform magic and illusions in that tiny room you have One of my tricks has a tiger appear from nowhere Legally that room is too small to keep tigers

Look, I understand your frustrations, Mr Tobin being trapped in a place you wish you weren't. But on the plus side, the bookers called me earlier and said that if tonight's lecture goes as badly, they'll let you off at Grimsby and bring on Cressida Dick to replace you for the rest of the trip. What? Cressida Dick?

She wouldn't know compelling public speaking if she stopped and searched it. You can't make us get off at Grimsby. No, no, no, no, no. I have to get to Reykjavik. Henry, sort this. My show earlier was terrible, but I was out of sorts. Give me one more chance. I will put on a proper show this evening.

In fact, I'm going to prepare now. Come on, Christine. Jones, back away from the omelette station. We've work to do. I'm not getting off at Grimsby. I promised the Sunday Times 4,000 words on the majesty of a destination city where a simple way of life meets

clean air, Scandinavian beauty and the most spellbinding natural phenomena on earth. Well, sounds like Grimsby to me. I'd love to get off there. It's where I've got the biggest portion of chips I've ever seen. I could hardly get them in the car. Don't worry, the big theatre's going to be mine. I just need to make sure Juan can't go on tonight.

I don't want you going up against him, sir. He knows magic, sorcery. You don't want you going up against him, sir. He knows magic. Sorcery. You don't realise the powers these people have. I saw a documentary about them. They hone their diabolical skills at the Hogwarts Training Academy. It's not actual magic.

Like all magicians, Juan's entire act is based on props. There's no actual substance there. He's like the Lib Dems, but with more mirrors. If Jones and I just lightly sabotage his equipment, he won't be able to perform at all, and I'll take his slot. Oh, this does sound very underhand, sir. You know, damage of private property, it's illegal.

International waters. There's no law. We can do what we want. Oh, of course. Ooh, I could drunkenly operate heavy machinery. I've not done that in ages. I could, I don't know, have dinner with a man out of wedlock. Not actually a crime, Natalie. But I do need you and Christine to keep Juan occupied up on the sun deck

while me and Jones mess with his props in the theatre. And I suppose when he can't perform again, he'll have been a Juan hit Wanda. Good one, Mrs Tobin. We better not let him be the Juan that got away. Let's hope it's not Juan of those days. And if I stabbed him, it would be a hole in Juan. That's incredibly xenophobic, Mr Tobin.

I never knew I could feel disappointed in you, sir. I actually feel sick. See? I told you you shouldn't try jokes. Look, we haven't got time for this. Come on! Shut the door before anyone sees us, Jones. Right, got it. Or hears us. Now, this is a proper theatre.

Imagine putting a magician on in here instead of me. Well, I don't have to imagine it, sir. They did it. I think because the magician's more popular and more charismatic. Thank you, Jones. Right, radio silence. Oh, this is great, isn't it? Sneaking about on a boat. I feel like Steven Seagal in Under Siege. Or to a lesser extent, Tommy

Lee Jones in Under Siege. Or even a little bit like Eureka Eleniak was playing Jordan Tate in Under Siege. Jones, Radio Silence does not mean list the cast of Under Siege. Let's get backstage. We just need to go through here and down these steps. Can you make a hand, sir?

These pills are working, but my back's still playing up a bit. How bad is it? It's nothing major, though every time I think about raising my right hand, my left one goes up. Is that normal? I'm undercover with a six-foot-five Geordie trying to sabotage a Spanish illusionist on a cruise ship. I don't know what normal is anymore. Come on, this way.

Here we are. That must be his container of props. It seems to have a pretty sizeable padlock on it. Don't worry, sir. I haven't met a lock yet that I can't get past. I just need the trusty lock-picking kit. I just need to... That's a very intricate little... Oh, come on, you bastard.

Right, well, no. I have now met a lock that I can't... Right, let me have a go with the lockpick. The key is to get your ear as close to the mechanism as possible and listen for the slightest... Or I could just shoot it with my gun. There you are. Cracked it. And my eardrums. Warning would have been nice.

Okay, let's just open this container. Warn me before you're going to do anything unexpected like that again. Right, don't worry, sir. No more surprises. Now, it could be a side effect of the painkillers. But I just saw a massive tiger in there. Did you see it too? Yes, it's a massive bloody tiger.

Oh, that's a relief. What about the monkeys and Barry McGuigan? Are they real too? Ron Jones. OK, there's Juan Let's keep him talking What if he performs a spell on us or hypnotises us with his magic and seduces us?

It would take a lot more than magic to be seduced by a Balearic Robbie Savage Juan! How's it going? Estupendo Always good to get the wind through my hair. I'm surprised it can manage with all the hairspray. It's like it's carved out of slightly greasy marble.

I must be getting back. I need to prepare for my show. We actually wanted to talk to you about your show. We loved it, didn't we, Natalie? Yes, it was great. We were just saying, with your skills, we're surprised you're on a cruise ship and not on television. It is a sore subject.

I did go on Britain's Got Talent, but I was beaten by a dog. What about Spain's Got Talent? Couldn't you try that? No, a magician wouldn't stand a chance on Los Mas Talentosos. It's always won by a man murdering a bull. No, my television career is over. That's why I'm forced to make my living on the high seas, like a pirate or your Jane MacDonald. It's so interesting to find out about the man behind the...

Is that a blouse? It's a silk gentleman's mini-smock. Wait a moment, though. I think something is up. Women do not usually like to talk to magicians through choice. Because they're evil and going to hell. I hope we just find you charismatic. What woman wouldn't want to talk to a man like you?

Something is definitely suspicious. Wait, your husband wanted to have my slot earlier I feel I am being set up in some kind of trick Well, I do the tricks around here Karamazov! He's vanished into thin air I told you, he's a witch He's not vanished, he's clearly just ducked behind that bar And is crab-walking away.

No, I'm not. Wow, look over there. What the hell are we going to do? We can't hide in this cupboard forever. I'll see if the tiger's gone, sir. Oh, yep, the coast is clear. Whoa! Tiger's still there.

Angry buggers, aren't they? They seem so much more approachable on the Frosty's box. We need a plan. How do you get rid of a tiger? Right. There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don't know why she swallowed a fly.

Perhaps she'll... What are you doing? I thought I might build up to some useful tiger information in the song, you know. I mean, what comes after fly? Is it lamb? There is no tiger in that nursery, Ryan. We don't have access to an old woman. So, shall we focus on coming up with a slightly better plan?

I'm sorry, sir. I think these pills are just making me a little bit fuzzy and not like the normal sharp, focused knife edge of a... Actually, what was I saying? You might have just saved us, Jones. Oh, I'm back. How? How many of those pills have you got left? Well, half a bottle.

Enough to knock out a tiger? Well, yeah, if I threw it really hard. I mean... have you got left? Well, half a bottle. Enough to knock out a tiger? Well, yeah, if I throw it really hard. I mean, if we can get the tiger to eat them. Oh, right. Well, definitely. And I've got a spare sausage roll

from lunch in me jacket pocket. And in my trouser pocket, yeah. And in both back pockets. And I've got one tape to each calf. Right. Give them here. Just, right. Okay. Tear them out. Just to each calf. Right, give them here.

Just, right. OK, tip them out there. Just shove them in. Right, there we go. Hopefully the tiger won't notice. Now it falls to one of us to bravely go out there and feed it. Right. Eeny, meeny, miny. No, you are my protection officer.

Protect me. Right, OK, OK, I can do this. It's only a tiger. I've faced worse, you know. I once met Alistair Campbell in a port-a-loo. Doors open. Good luck. Oh! Oh.

Nice tiger, yeah. Now, who wants a nice sausage roll? All right. It's got you interested, yeah. It's a nice one, isn't it? Buttery pastry. Oh, a flex of black pudding. nice one, isn't it? It's buttery pastry. Oh, a flex of black pudding. What is it? Do you want to go halves?

Right, no, fine. Fine. It's all yours. Oh, there we go. Good lad, good lad. There it is. There it... Oh, go on, you have a lie down here.

Ooh. Brilliant work, Jones. Jones? Where are you? I'm under the tiger, sir. Right, well, let's get you out of there. We did it. I'd like to see that magnificent Juan do his act without his tiger.

I bet you would, Mr. Toby. Oh, he just appeared out of nowhere. He came through the door. Juan, look, I can explain. Really? You have an innocent explanation for why your armed henchman lays under my beautiful drug tiger?

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have you arrested. I've got two reasons. International waters. I used to be the Prime Minister. I know the law. We're not in international waters. Aren't we? No. We're off in international waters. Aren't we? No.

We're off the coast of Norfolk. Sorry. We tried to stop him. Expelliarmus! I ought to report you to Captain Pomfret right now and have you thrown off the boat. No, we can't be thrown off the boat. Reykjavik, my travel writing career.

I am a little more concerned about my reputation. This lecture cruise was supposed to reframe me as the serious man of politics. I'll never get my reputation back if it comes out that I drugged a performing tiger with Latvian painkillers to avenge my jealousy of a Spanish illusionist. Well, then negotiate with him. You're always good at that. Well, mi amigo, there must be something we can do to stop this going public Without the tiger, my show is ruined Maybe not I've got an idea

Let's have a little chat One to when Well, managed to smooth everything over Keep my feline activities a secret. Must still have a bit of the old politician in me, after all. And at least we'll be staying on all the way to Reykjavik. Oh, look, I can see Iceland. So can I.

I can almost taste our future improving. Wait, why is the boat turning? This is your captain speaking. Just to let all passengers know, we will not now be docking in Iceland. What? Due to an unwell tiger on board, maritime law insists we cannot set foot on the island. Instead, we will be heading to the nearest large animal hospital,

which, by my reckoning, is Grimsby. Well, we shouldn't be quick to throw blame around. Oh, that's my career as a travel writer finished. Oh, but at least you've not been arrested for interfering with a tiger, so there's that. How did you get Juan to keep your secret anyway? And where's Jones? Talking of which, it's about time.

Come with me. A bottle out of thin air. Now, since the dawn of time, man has ought to understand the mystery of bottles. Rub them once, nothing. Rub them twice, nothing. But three times, Karamazov, a tiger. Raw for me, Mr. Tiger. Raw. I'm a tiger. Yeah. He needed a £200 carnival for his act, so I loaned him one.

I'd call that a Juan Old Raw. Well, come on, nothing. Come back. Parties Over starred Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy, Justin Edwards

and David Mominey. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.