Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over: ep2 Road Trip 30th July 2021

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

What happens when the Prime Minister suddenly stops being Prime Minister?One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'Miles Jupp stars as Henry Tobin - Britain's shortest serving and least popular post war PM (he managed 8 months).We join Henry soon after his crushing election loss. He’s determined to not let his disastrous defeat be the end of him. Instead Henry's going to get back to the top - he's just not sure how and in what field..This week Henry is reluctantly en route to a wedding while battling to stem some potentially damaging leaks from his former closest aide.Henry Tobin... Miles Jupp Christine Tobin... Ingrid Oliver Natalie... Emma Sidi Jones... Justin EdwardsWritten by Paul Doolan and Jon HunterProduced by Richard Morris and Simon Nicholls Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound design: Marc Willcox

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. Parties Over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. What do you think? The green blouse or the white one? I'll pack both. Do we even need one blouse? You've already packed three dresses, a suit and your yoga gear. We're only going away for one night.

Yes, well, better safe than sorry. Eight pairs of underwear. Did I miss something on the invite? Is this one of those weddings where we're expected to repeatedly soil ourselves? I'm taking one suit and one shirt. Tie on for smart, tie off and jacket raggedy-sling hanging over the shoulder the following morning. What if you get sweaty dancing?

I see we've not been introduced. Henry Tobin, lovely to meet you. Now, will I need a swimming costume? For a wedding in the Lake District? Hard to say. Is the wedding in a lake? Well, it's a luxury hotel, so there might be opportunities for schmoozing in the pool. Tanya works in PR. Important people are going to be there.

Yes, the former Prime Minister of Great Britain. No, really important people. Claudia bloody Winklemans, her maid of honour. Ah, yes, of course. Claudia. Very important, known for her sweeping law reforms and her top-down reorganisation of the social care sector. Oh, wait, that was me. You didn't reorganise the social care sector. You sold it to Ladbrokes.

Oh, I can't wait to catch up with Claude's. That's what I call Claudia. I only got to speak to her for a couple of minutes at that hen do, but there was definitely a connection. Yes, a couple of minutes at a drunken party in 2019, you're practically sisters. It's not my fault it was so long ago. Covid pushed the wedding back and you can't blame me for

Covid. No. You, on the other hand. Now, come on. One photo op at a Chinese wet market, followed by a skiing holiday, suddenly I'm patient zero. Now, what's so important about Claudia Winkleman, anyway? She is the linchpin to the entire party circuit. Her book group contains just about every influential woman in the country.

If we play it right, this wedding could put an end to us being social lepers. We know influential people. Oh, really? Who? We got a Christmas card from Tim Henman. Sir? Natalie, please knock. I could have been undressed. Oh, nothing I haven't seen before. What? When?

Nothing. Sorry to burst in, but Emily Maitlis wants to interview you for tonight's newsnight. Great. Oh, dear, I'll miss the wedding. Oh, what a wrench. Still, can't be helped. What's it about, Natalie? Well, they said it's about all those private messages your old advisor is leaking on Twitter.

What messages? Why didn't you lead with that? Oh, yeah, hang on, let me check. Oh, it looks like it's Chris White. Oh, that snake. He was my closest advisor. I thought he was a friend. Well, you did try to put the blame on him

for almost everything you did wrong. No, a source close to me did that. He doesn't know of me. What's he leaked? OK, so far, the donation from the Saudis for the house in Devon, the medical testing on prisoners and the Stalin fancy dress photos.

So... Actually, none of the really embarrassing stuff. Oh, God. Right, I definitely have to shut this down. I assume they'll be sending a car? It's actually a Zoom interview. Oh, well, they know I to shut this down. I assume they'll be sending a car? It's actually a Zoom interview. Oh, well, they know I'm a busy man. Wouldn't want to make me travel all the way into London.

Oh, so you'll be able to come to the wedding after all. Well, they have the internet in the north now, you know. Except for that six weeks where you had it switched off. Andy Burnham shouldn't have called me a floundering knobhead. So, it's agreed then. We drive to the wedding and I'll get us back on the social circuit while you crush an old friend on television. Let's find your trunks.

Chris White, you picked the wrong man to turn on you, snake. I will destroy you. Right, all aboard, Mr T, Mrs T, Natalie. Let's not waste time with Chit Chat Jones. I've worked out a nine-point itinerary. We're going the scenic route so that we can stop at the farm shop at Gloucester Services. Best scotch eggs in the country. Well, there's no need for an itinerary, sir.

Not with this bit of high-tech wizardry. I shouldn't even be showing this to you. Yeah, we've all seen a sat-nav before, James. Oh, this isn't just any old sat-nav, Mrs T. This was designed for the security services. The Security Unit Special Advanced Navigator, or Susan for short. David Cameron's protection officer had this one last, and yeah, it just scans for the shortcuts

they don't tell the regular sat-navs about. Yeah, there we go. Oh, it's already got the location set, yeah. Plotting route to Henderson's pig farm. Oh, David. He gave me his word this was all in the past. You know what? I cannot wait. I love weddings.

We had loads at the compound growing up. The brides walking down the aisle in their white dresses. Brides? The glorious leader in his gold robes. Aha. The goat sacrificed to protect us from sin and Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi? Right, plotting new course. Journey timeFi? Right, plot a new course.

Journey time, three hours, 55 minutes. Excellent. It's 9am, so we should get to the hotel by one. That gives me a few hours to do some prep. Then at five, it's I do, I do, try to avoid the photos, seven o'clock, tedious speeches, bad dinner, make sure the bride sees us, then sneak out of the reception,

back to the hotel to do newsnight at 10.30. Oh, you're such a romantic. I'll hang out at the reception a bit longer, drop some hints to Claude's about how much reading I do. She might even tell me the secret of her shiny hair. I heard it was duck egg yolk. I'm going to enjoy sticking the boot into Chris White live on TV. Nobody tries to bring me down and gets away with it.

Well, apart from the voting public, sir? Just drive, Jones. You know, Jones, unless we get moving soon, my old advisor isn't going to be the only one leaking. I thought your special sat-nav was supposed to avoid all the traffic. Well, it's not Susan's fault if everyone else had the exact same good idea about their routes too. I mean, for anything, it just proves that she was right.

Can't you reprogram it to go another way? Well, I'm trying, sir, but I think she uses AI based on your history. Finding local wheat fields. I think Theresa May must have on your history. Finding local wheat fields. I think Theresa May must have had it for a while. We're already nearly an hour behind schedule. Jones, we'll have to drop Gloucester services from the itinerary. Oh, but they do those little sausages in a pot.

I feel the pain, but we haven't time. There's a services up ahead. We'll pop in there. We're starting to cut into prep time. I might have to skip the ceremony. Absolutely not. You're coming to the wedding or everyone will think you're hiding in shame. I'm touched. You're worried about my reputation. I'm worried about losing my access to the A-list. If people think all these leaks are true, then we'll be even further down the scrap heap. I am too close to Winkleman's book group to go back to being social pariahs.

Good point. Only some of, well, most of these leaks might be sort of true. Oh, God. Have the last few years not taught you anything about political scandals? It doesn't matter what's true. All that matters is you shamelessly deny it, say the matter's over, then wave a flag about or make it about statues. OK. I'll come to the ceremony.

Just updating the itinerary. Oh, news update. Another leak from Chris White. Don't be govestagged. Don't be govestagged. Do not be govestagged. No, it's the Cenotaph karaoke story. Oh, I can bluff that one away.

Remember? Breezy? What scandal? Nothing to see here. Can you speed up, Jones? I need prep time. I can't go up against Maitlis without being fully prepped. And we need to check in before two. Ooh, maybe I ask Claudia to do it for us and show her how relaxed and breezy we are.

Or you could just call the hotel. Shh! Henry, I'm calling Claude's. Hi, Claudia, darling. It's just me. Christine. Tobin. Hey, from the hen do. No, yes, it was a long time ago, wasn't it?

Yes, yes. No, we chatted about Florence and, um... Yes, I'm married to... Well, I wouldn't use those exact words. Oh, she better not be criticising. Shh, shh. Oh, not you, Claude, not you. Yes, um, yes use those exact words. Oh, she better not be criticising... Shh! Oh, not you, Claus. Not you. Yes, um, yes, we saw Twitter.

Oh, it's... No, it's all just nonsense. We're very breezy about it. Breezy! Um... Well, I'd forgotten about it until you just mentioned it, actually, so I was... Yeah, no, I was... I was actually just thinking about a really interesting book I read. Um... Oh, sorry, yes. No, why I called. Yes. No, I just wondered if you could let reception know We'll be a little bit late and...

No, you are so right Yep, I could call them myself Wise as well as beautiful Yes, no, catch you later And if anyone asks, we are breezy OK, bye, bye, bye, bye Do you think you said the word breezy enough? Yeah, no, only I think she was about to say something when I hung up on her.

Should I call her back? Now or ever, because the answer is no either way. Oh, look, the services. Finally. I knew Susan would get us there at the end. OK, we've got exactly eight minutes, so be quick, everyone. Right, got my bang-bang chicken wrap. Time to... Natalie, where's everyone else? We are on a tight schedule. Oh, they're still in there. It's just you and me.

Sort of romantic, isn't it? Yes, they say only Paris can compete with sandbatch services in spring when it comes to romance. Where are they? Jones was last seen heading for the toilets and Mrs Tobin's in M&S. Oh, here she comes now. Got supplies.

Superfood salad and four cans of G&T. I can't drink before going on news night. Well, good, because they're all for me. Oh, email. Oh, no. OK, it's news night. They're moving the interview forward to 4.30 to pre-record it. That's too close to the wedding.

It's too close to now. Shall I cancel, then? No, it's news night. I need to squash this story. We can do this, but we need to leave now. You two go to the car. I'm going to find Jones. Excuse me, will you be needing any breakdown cover today, sir? I really haven't got time.

We're off in the first three months free, and you get a free beetroot smoothie. Our way of saying we're unbeatable. Can I ask who your current provider is? Sorry, in what world does I haven't got time in? Please plough on with your questions. I am very busy. You don't look busy. And can anyone be too busy for something as important

as breakdown cover? Oh, I'm getting advice on how I spend my time from somebody dressed as a meerkat now, am I? Are my eyes going a bit funny or is Henry talking to a massive rabbit over by the bins? Excellent. Only my husband can get into an argument with an insurance company mascot. Oh, don't say do you know who I am? Don't say, do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? Ah, there we go. Might as well drink while I watch. I was Prime Minister.

Yeah, and I was Captain America. Come off it. I was. I ran the country. Yeah, right. When? Recently enough to not be accused of lying by a car park meerkat. Course you were. What? All right, sir? Jones, at last. Do you need breakdown cover, sir? You get a free smoothie.

Oh, well, I do find it hard to say no to a meerkat, sir. What rates are you offering? No, he doesn't need breakdown cover. Come on, Jones. Newsnight's been pushed to 4.30. If we get there by three, I'll only have 90 minutes prep. It's tight, but I can do it. What took you so long? Well, I had black bean chilli last night.

It's like a bullet. It's hot and painful going in. And it's hot and painful passing out on the other side, you know. Without, you know, going into too much detail. We're well past that, I'm afraid. Come on, we need to go. Oh, God, look at the time. We'll have to do the prep in the car.

Not to worry, sir. I could prep you. I'm not allowed to say who, but one of the people I used to protect went on with Maitlis and I prepped him in five minutes. He ran rings around her. Oh, great. Any pointers? Right, first thing you have to do is say that you can't sweat because of the Falklands, right?

And then... Right, thank you, Jones. I think I know the rest. Natalie, could you go through the list of accusations and be Emily Maitlis for me? Throw some questions at me. I'll be anyone you want me to be. Hang on, I'll get the files.

I really should call Claude again. Check I didn't hang up on her earlier. Maybe she can reserve a couple of seats for us at the back of the church in case we're late. I really... Shh, ringing. Claude! It's me again.

Yes, all breezy here. I was just flicking through my Elena Ferrante. She's very good. And I thought I should check I didn't... Oh, right. She's having her hair done. Ooh, I should ask. Is it duck eggs?

I think she hung up on me. I wonder why. Right, OK, got the files. Here we go. Hello. I'm Emily Metlis. Well... Oh, welcome to the show. So, yes, welcome to Newsnight.

Are you quite sure you know who Emily Makeness is, Nettie? Maybe leave the voice and just ask the questions. You have my permission to put the boot in. It's important. I need you to prep me. I won't be upset. All right, then. Henry Tobin, modern politics seems to be an arena where the truth no longer matters.

Exactly, Emily. Do you agree with your old chief adviser that the blame for this lies entirely at your door? Well, I don't think... No, you don't think, do you? Your short, shambolic tenure contained so many catastrophic disasters that the bar for leadership wasn't so much lowered as shattered on the ground.

That's a bit harsh. Your inept premiership turned public opinion against politicians so much that they were happy to wave through the first populist who came along, as long as they weren't you. Isn't that the truth? You destroyed politics, Mr Tobin, and the public wants an apology. What do you have to say to that? Natalie, you're fired.

Oh, no! I'm getting out! Now, don't worry, the child locks on. Henry, Natalie, you're not fired. Sorry, sorry. Overreacted. I just wasn't ready for quite such an offensive offensive. Again, you're not fired. Listen, surely they won't go on the full offensive. I mean, unless he's leaked something directly to Newsnight

that they're going to spring on you. He'd never do that. Well, would you do that? Of course I would. Oh, God, that's what he's done. Natalie, have we got any suboptimal things I did in office that haven't come out yet? Let me just check the disasters folder.

Oh! did in office that haven't come out yet? Let me just check the disasters folder. Cash for questions, cash for access, cash for honours, questions for honours, honours for access, swimming pool for questions, the steamy Angela Merkel WhatsApp messages. I knew there was something going on with you two.

It's all Merkel. I never encouraged her. If a world leader invites you to their suite at the G7 to share a pig knuckle, it is rude to decline. Well, then there's the expenses, the Russian interference in your campaign, the North Korean interference in your campaign, the Portuguese interference in your campaign. What else?

I get the picture. Lots of things Newsnight could be about to hit me with. I need another scandal to draw fire. Where's Matt Hancock when you need him to fall on his sword for you? Or on his advisor. Do not worry, sir. I'm going to go through all of these and work out a line of defence for each one.

Thank you. Look, I need to open a window. I suddenly feel very hot. The papers! OK, that's all the interview prep gone. We just have to hope no more scandals break. Oh, how long till we get there, Jones? I can feel the book group slipping away from me.

Ah, don't worry. There's a jam up ahead, but Susan switched us onto a shortcut. Leave the motorway. There we are. Turn left at the roundabout, then immediate right. Oh, you see, isn't that amazing? Everyone else dawdling along, and thanks to this little beauty we've beat the, uh...

Road under construction. Now move to the right. We can't. There's no road. Do you know, in some ways this just proves how advanced Susan is. You know, she knows roads that aren't even here yet. Move to the right. Move to the right.

Move to the right. We can't move to the right. God, it's like talking to Jacob Rees-Mogg. Oh, this traffic. Oh, hang on. Everyone move your cars. I have to see my friend Claudia. Oh, that should get them moving. Maybe a little less time with your friend Gordon

might be an idea too. I mean, what idiot made this motorway into one lane anyway? Oh, you know what? Actually, it was... I think everyone can guess it was me, Natalie. Oh, God, look at the time. We won't be there until four. I'll only have half an hour to get ready for a mateless grilling.

Can't you just drive on the hard shoulder? It's only half a mile to the next junction. Well, I can't do that, Mr Torben. It's against the law. Oh, come on, Jones. You're a law enforcement officer with a badge and gun. If you can't bend a couple of rules, what even is freedom? Well, I couldn't do that, I'm afraid. I've got far too much respect for my badge and my gun. Ah, the things I've been through with these two, eh?

Oh, no. Oh, when it comes to guns, the words, oh, no, are never top of the list of things I want to hear. Ah, I must have left them in the cubicle back at the service station. I... Now, I remember taking them out of my pocket when I took my suit off. Not that it's the most pressing question here, but do you remove your entire suit to go to the toilet?

Well, doesn't everyone? Well, at least that explains why it always takes you so long. Well, I'll have to go back to get them. We don't have time. Leave them there. What if a child finds the gun? Do you know, I doubt anyone's been within three feet of that cubicle since I left it. It'll be fine.

The cleaning staff will find them and return them to the authorities. We need to get to the hotel. I agree with Henry. This interview is much more important than the chance that someone might find the gun and match Jones's ID to his job as Henry's protection detail and cause a massive stir in the press. It's news night!

Though, obviously, it would be terrible if a child were to find it. We must think of the children. I think we can afford to make a little detour. Right, OK. When we get to the next junction, I'll loop round and Susan will fire us a shortcut back. We are not trusting that sat-nav anymore. It'll be much quicker if you reverse down the hard shoulder. No, but that's, you know... No complaints, Jones. My reputation

could depend on it. And also a child's life. Okay, right. Let's hit reverse. Why, you maniac! Just hide your faces. Not you, Jones. OK, Jones, you run into the toilets, get the gun. Let's just hope it's still there.

Oh, well, it'll be there. Oh, well, unless... Unless what? Well, it could be in the arcade, because I took my jacket off when I was playing on the grabber. We were supposed to be in a hurry. How long were you be in the arcade because I took my jacket off when I was playing on the grabber. We were supposed to be in a hurry. How long were you playing in the arcade for? Well, just

20 minutes or so. I wanted to win a minion. Right. I'll check the arcade. You check the toilets. Right. Let's take off. Jones, we'll find his gun and we'll be back on the road. Fifty minutes is easily enough time to get ready.

I just need to clear your head. Don't let anything else wind you up. Will you be needing any breakdown cover today, sir? You get a free beetroot smoothie. Oh, God, no! I don't have time for this. I've already told you. Oh, yeah, I remember you.

What are you this time? President of Rio, King of France? I was the Prime Minister! Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What are you this time? President of Rio, King of France? I was the Prime Minister. Yeah, yeah, of course you were. And as Prime Minister, you'll be wanting the best breakdown cover available. Some might say it's unbeatable. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Do I look like I'm involved in a breakdown?

Well, sort of, yes. Well, at least I'm not dressed as a meerkat standing outside a service station looking like I've lost the rest of my stag do. So, with all due respect, take your breakdown cover and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Oh, good news, Mrs T. I found it exactly where I left it. And my socks, too.

So a double win. Where's Mr T? I thought he was in a hurry. He's over there by the entrance, arguing with a giant meerkat. Apparently it's becoming a hobby. Right-o. And now the meerkat's attacking him. And now they're rolling around on the floor together. Henry! I'll save you, sir!

Oh, everyone's filming it. Oh, that's embarrassing. They're probably not even top five humiliations for him. Oh, now the meerkat's chucking smoothies over him. And again. Oh, beetroot. I'll never get that out. Shouldn't you be doing something about this, Jones? You know, being his bodyguard?

Oh, yeah, right. Can you hold these socks for me? Oh, well, you'd better hurry. Natalie's reached them. Get your claws off him, you stupid rabbit! I'll kill you! Oh, my God, get off me! Right, now, pause. Put your paws in the air, meerkat. Step away from the former prime minister.

This is cheaper than the cinema. Christine! Sorry that took so long. I got talking to a former constituent about how much they liked my... Yes, now I saw what happened. Great. Right. We can still make it. Let's go. Right. 20 past four. Susan says we're not going to get there in time.

We had to take the back roads because they've shut down the motorway. Why? Well, the police radio said some lunatic was reversing down the hard shoulder. Shouldn't we cancel? If I cancel news night, I'll look twice as guilty. Plus, if you cross-make this, she will destroy you. That's why you never see Gordon Brown anymore. For Noel Edmonds. This is salvageable.

I can do the Zoom on my phone from the car. I can pretend I'm on the way somewhere in Port. That's an excellent idea, boss. Only, all the beetroot smoothie stains do make it look a little bit like you've been involved in a horrific murder. Yes, excellent point. Better get changed. What? You can wear my shirt if you want, Mr T.

I'll just take it off. Whoa! Eyes on the road, Jones! I can't put your shirt on. I'd look like a child playing dress-up. I can get put your shirt on. I'd look like a child playing dress-up. I can get into the boot. If I just pop the parcel shelf off and climb over nice and easy. Ow! Ow!

I'm OK. OK. Just need to open it. I'm just going to leave one more message for Claudia to say sorry about all the... Oh, damn, no phone reception. Good, if it stops you from calling. Oh, no, wait. Oh, bad.

Very bad. If I don't pick up when they call, Maitlis will destroy me. Speed up, Jones. Find some reception. They're calling any second now. I can't look like I'm running away. OK, just need a clean shirt.

Change into eyes front, Natalie. Nothing. Why did no one tell me to pack a spare shirt? Oh, what's this? It's got a collar. Hey, that's my blouse. Mine now. Right, faster, Jones. Oh, this is a bit tight, but it should fit. Oops.

Well, they won't see the bottom buttons. Oh, that's the police. I'd better stop. Oh, still no phone signal. Lose them. Pigs! You'll never catch us! Woo-hoo! Not helping, dear, not helping. Go off-road. I just need two bars of signal. I can fix this.

There'll be a signal up that hill. It's too muddy. We're stuck. I'll run. I just need a show of maintenance. I'm breezy. In a couple of minutes, then we can deal with the police. If I can just make it to higher ground. Oh, it's ringing. Hello, Emily. Ignore the noise.

Just a massive... What? About these cats. Is that a police helicopter? No, it's a press one. Oh, turn the radio on. For a special live report on a police chase in progress, what appears to be the bloodstained former Prime Minister Henry Toobin

fleeing across the moors, clutching a woman's blouse, pursued by several armed officers. Now, this one maybe does make the top five. Well, that was quite possibly the worst interview in history. I'm including the time Liz Truss put Clive Myer in a headlock for calling her Lizzie. Well, at least you knocked the leaks off the top spot on Twitter. Now it's all cross-dressing PM and motorway shame.

And on the plus side, all that beetroot has made your hair really shiny. Oh, good news, good news. You've sorted everything with the police? Oh, no, no, you're in a lot of trouble. But the sergeant gave me a bounty bar. Oh, we've missed the wedding. My hangover's kicking in and Claudia Winkerman's blocked my

number, so no book group for me. Let's go home. Right, good idea. I'll just, er... Here we are. Oh, no, it's the starter motor. I don't suppose anyone's a member of a breakdown service. Here we are. Start the motor. I don't suppose anyone's a member of a breakdown service.

Party's Over starred Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Justin Edwards and Emma Siddy. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. It was produced by Simon Nicholls and Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.