Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over: ep3 New Party 6th August 2021

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

What happens when the Prime Minister suddenly stops being Prime Minister?One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'Miles Jupp stars as Henry Tobin - Britain's shortest serving and least popular post war PM (he managed 8 months).We join Henry soon after his crushing election loss. He’s determined to not let his disastrous defeat be the end of him. Instead Henry's going to get back to the top - he's just not sure how and in what field..This week, while standing in as host at a talk radio station, Henry meets Scott Machin who might just have the answers to all his problems.Henry Tobin... Miles Jupp Christine Tobin... Ingrid Oliver Natalie... Emma Sidi Jones... Justin Edwards Scott...Kiell Smith-BynoeWritten by Paul Doolan and Jon HunterProduced by Richard Morris and Simon Nicholls Production co-ordinator: Caroline Barlow Sound design: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Talk news. Talk news. 24 hours a day, non-stop talk till the end of time. Right. Henry Tobin here, former Prime Minister, standing in for Rod Liddle for the week while he's in Rotterdam for his eating contest. Anyway, it's time to check in with Natalie in the booth. Do we have any callers?

Yes, the switchboard is lighting up. Great. Oh, actually, it's just lots of lights on the buttons. Yeah, no callers yet. Great. Oh, great. Oh, actually, it's just lots of lights on the buttons. Yeah, no callers yet. Great. Oh, no, no, we've got one putting them through. Hello, you're through to Henry Tobin, former Prime Minister. Let's put the world to rights.

Hi, darling, it's me. Sorry, I know you're doing your little... ..radio thing. But can you pop by the dry cleaners and collect my dress? I've got that charity fundraiser on Friday. Drop the caller. Also, do you still want me to pick up that antifungal cream? Drop the caller! Natalie, Natalie, drop the caller.

Party's over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. This is a disaster, Natalie. I need some proper callers before the ad break finishes. I just spent the last hour describing the entire plot of Line of Duty. And it was gripping, sir. Better than the actual show, and your accents were impeccable. Oh, here's an actual caller for you. Pete from Luton.

Great, put him through. We are back on air, and I'm talking to Pete. What's on your mind today? You've just sport line of duty for me and my missus, you prick. I'm awfully sorry. Yeah, you're a crap presenter like you're a crap politician. Just a shambolic PM, but you're a rubbish MP. I mean, look at your voting record.

How could you vote to make maternity leave shorter? Look, let me be clear. I don't think it's a question of whether I did or didn't vote for a specific policy. Oh, yeah, all right, here it comes, yeah. Typical politician talk. Actually, do you know what? You're right. Let me actually be clear.

I didn't want to. Cutting maternity leave's a terrible idea, but the PM said if I voted against it, he'd never let me in the Cabinet. That sounds a bit stupid. Yeah, but that's politics for you. A bunch of idiots who are too stupid to be successful in any other sphere, too ugly to be famous for anything else,

not an ounce of common sense between them. Next caller. So the next caller is Val from Manchester. Yeah, why did you sell the Falklands? Honestly, Val, OK, that one was my bad. I had a stinking hangover and I wasn't paying attention. Fair play. I appreciate your honesty. It's great, this. It's like PMQs,

but you can actually answer the questions. Next. Oh, we've got Scott Machen on the line. Great. Well, hi, Scott. You're through. Hey, Henry. Got to say, it's great to hear a politician talking common sense for once. Well, what can I say? I tell it how it is.

I work in tech, and I think that's where the future of politics really lies. Algorithms, data, AI, making the decisions logically. Well, we'll have to disagree there, Scott. I don't think the public will vote for an algorithm. Politics is about people. making the decisions logically. Well, we'll have to disagree there, Scott. I don't think the public will vote for an algorithm. Politics is about people. So maybe get out from behind your laptop and take a look at the real world for a change. Now, time for an advert.

Oh, that was amazing. You're so powerful on the radio. And the way you put Scott in his place. A lot of people wouldn't dare do that to a billionaire. Well, I am not a lot of people... A billionaire? Yeah, yeah, but that was Scott Machen, the CEO of Bump, you know, the social network.

Have you not heard of it? I've got a National Trust car sticker. Do I look like I've heard of Bump? Why didn't you mention he's a billionaire? Do you have any idea the kind of doors a billionaire friend could open for me? Get him back on the line. Right, yeah, putting him through now. Scott Machen. Scott, Henry Tobin here. I hope you didn't mind my jokey ribbing there on the radio, all part of the on-air persona. You said some very hurtful things. I don't like it when people

insult algorithms. Nor me, Scott, nor me. It should be a criminal offence. Absolutely. Cards on the table, Scott. I love tech. I actually think it could be the future of politics. And I would really love to carry on this conversation over lunch. There's actually a Pret-a-Manger near the radio station, if you're free today. I can make room in my schedule.

Lunch is on me, by the way. Oh, actually, there's another place down the road that might be more suitable. My assistant will send you the details. Three Michelin stars. It is cracking lobster with truffle oil. Hello. We're here to see Scott Machen. Oh, well, look at the food in this place.

Try and dribble a little less, please, Jones, or they'll have to bring over one of those wet floor signs. I was just thinking, sir, I should probably do a security sweep of the premises, starting with the kitchen. I'll be a while. LAUGHTER Mr Machen is already here, sir. do a security sweep of the premises, starting with the kitchen. I'll be a while. Mr. Mitchon is already here, sir, if you would like to make your way.

Oh, there he is. Where? Behind that child? No, that's him. Scott! Scott! Scotty, great to see you. Oh, the bread rolls look good, don't they? Oh, this is Natalie, my assistant.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr Machen. I love your bump. I don't use social media because I was taught growing up that it's evil. But if I did, I'd use your one. OK. Where's your assistant? Right here, on my wrist. Prototype, we're calling the bump watch.

Tried a human assistant, but he was too much hassle. Kept asking for little things like holidays and sleep, so I fired him. This curates my diary. It uses AI and biometrics to tell me when I need to relax. It predicts my every need. Ah, it's telling me it's time to take on some protein and vitamin B12.

Well, maybe I should get one of those. Sorry, I don't know how my fork snapped there. Excuse me, are you Scott Machen? Charles Rolt, British Heart Trust. I was wondering if I could talk to you about funding. Keep walking, not interested. The worst thing, Henry, about being a billionaire?

Freeloaders like that guy. Coming up to you all the time looking for a handout for their charity. Scandalous. Absolutely scandalous. Personally, I can't stand freeloaders. Can we get some more of these bread rolls, please? Now, down to business. What do you think of politics? Well, it's a cesspit full of snakes. People stabbing each other in the back.

Nobody making an actual difference. I am glad I'm out of it. Oh, because I'm looking to make inroads in politics and I was hoping you could help. I'm out of it. Oh, because I'm looking to make inroads in politics and I was hoping you could help. Great idea. I would love to get back into politics. I thought it was a cesspit.

You can't clean a cesspit from the outside, Scott. You have to get in to the cess. I don't just want to get into politics I want to disrupt it The strong disrupt and the weak stand by

It's like binary, you have to be a one in this world, not a zero This is spooky I was saying exactly the same thing only this morning Wasn't I Natalie? Were you? Was that before or after you rant about Timpsons? I am definitely a one, Scott. I hate zeros. I actually think zeros deserve to be disrupted.

Great. You're just the kind of disruptor I'm looking for to front my move into politics. I'm creating a new kind of party, the Common Sense Party. Hearing you on the radio, you get it. You're honest. No nonsense. I can't stand nonsense.

Though you did accidentally release hundreds of them from prison. Ugh! Nonsense. Yeah. I've studied the data, and with my money, data, and algorithms, we can

micro-target ads, nudge trends, and float oppo research at the touch of a button. Great. I only understood about three words of that, but I think you're saying you can make me popular. Scott, I am excited. What's the timescale? When do we launch? In a year? I'm thinking Friday. Can't just wait around when you're disrupting. Otherwise someone steps in and disrupts first. So often the way. No, we do this like I do every venture.

Big announcement, launch a thing, just a title, hint of what's to come, get a buzz going. Then pick the best people to work with. I can sort all the boring stuff like details and admin. That'll free you up to do what you do best. The important stuff, like dinner and speeches. Dinner and speeches. This is exactly how politics should be. The kitchen's secure, sir.

What? You seem to have commandeered a dangerous turkey leg. Yeah, but it could be used as a weapon. You are not getting back into politics. Some might say I never got out of politics. You didn't get out of your smelly old dressing gown for a week when you lost last time, and I don't want you getting back into that either.

If you go ahead, Chris, I will divorce you. Oh, I think that's an excellent idea. Nobody's getting divorced, Natalie. Apart from you and reality. Look, we don't need politics anymore. And no offence, my love, but nobody would actually vote for you. Scott can fix all of that.

Scott's got algorithms. Well, that sounds very uncomfortable. Look, we should be moving forwards, not back. Like me, with my charity, Helping Hands. Kate Middleton's a patron, so she'll be at the fundraiser on Friday. If I can get in with an actual royal, we'll be made. Look, I've missed all this. The events, the bellinis, the celebrities, the gossip, the tiny little finger food.

The charity? Yes, it's of course the charity. It does very important work for... You got so excited about royalty, you don't even know what the charity does, do you? Of course I know what they do. Even suggesting that is very insulting to the people we support. Or the animals.

Well, there's a package arrived for Mr Torbjorn. I gave it a good shake, but it doesn't feel like a bomb. Oh, it's from Scott. Oh, it's one of his smart watch assistants. I think you should send it back. Oh, I'm getting a back. Oh, I'm getting a call. Oh, it's Scott. Hang on, hang on. Scott, hi.

Henry, I was just checking you got the package. I love it. It's just buzz to tell me I'm excited. Is there anything it can't do? Dedicate the best years of its life to serving you through thick and thin. Cry itself to sleep when you get voted out of office, maintain a shrine to your power and perfection.

Just calling to say I've got my best people working on the launch for Friday. I need to come round tomorrow and run you through it all. You guys have a helipad, right? Oh, yeah, of course. Great, I'll see you tomorrow. Jones, get some paint and do a big H in the garden. Oh, my watch just told me Scott's arriving.

Very useful. There's absolutely no way we'd have known otherwise. Come on, Christine, make an effort, he's a guest No, I am not hanging around to chat to the man who wants to drag us back to national humiliation I need to call Sophie at Helping Hands We have a fundraising dinner to pan Here he is Sorry

That's the man spearheading your return to the top Does his mum know he's out? Pathetic. Look, I'll see you later. Scott, you found us OK. And sorry the H on the helipad is lowercase. I did my best. Sophie Lord, helping hands.

Sophie! I'm not bothering you, am I? It's Christine Tobin. Christine, how could you be bothering me? I'd drop everything for you, my darling. I'm just calling about Friday. I've been thinking about the canapes and I've got three words for you. Tiny cottage pies. What exactly? Brilliant as always. You're the best. I don't tell you that enough, but it's true. An utter dreamboat. Such a shame I have to

uninvite you from the dinner. But you really are a marvel. Sorry, um, you're uninviting me. I know. You're so awful, but I'm sure you understand, you absolute humdinger. What? Sophie, I am outraged. Helping hands means the world to me.

I am 100% dedicated to helping the people that we help in the unique way that we do. Or animals, if it's animals. way that we do. Or animals, if it's animals. You are wonderful, my darling, but we really need people who can bring in the big name donors, and I'm afraid Angela Rippon's nephew just won't cut it.

Julie got Ed Sheeran to donate a guitar. Oh, well, at least that means that he's not playing it. I've got contacts. I can get a billionaire. Really? Yes, yes.

Henry's basically best friends with Scott Machen from Bump. If I can get him signed up, can I get back in? There she is. If you can land Scott Machen as a donor, then I'll sit you next to the Duchess herself. Leave it with me. Now, about those cottage pies, when I say tiny, I am thinking

absolutely minuscule. The sort of thing you can only eat with tweezers. The plan to repopularise you on social media is going well. I've removed the controversy section from your Wikipedia page, all 20,000 words of it. And I've bought you 11 million more Twitter followers, so you now have 11 million and 35.

I thought that was because of my hilarious tweet that millennials would rather avocado than have a car do. No? That lost you followers. Hi, Henry. I just wanted... Oh, sorry. I didn't realise you had company. Oh, you must be Scott. Christine Tobin. Such a fan of yours.

Lovely to meet you. So pleased you and Henry will be working together on his return to politics. I've actually always wanted to ask you something. Christine, I just need to have a quick word with you outside. Yes, of course, just after I talk to you. No, no, I need you in the hall, now. The dog's got loose.

We don't have a dog. Well, now, it's a bit soon to be that fatalistic, but... We need to find her. Come on. What are you doing? You're up to something. You've got that look in your eye like Priti Patel gets when she's thinking about border control. You want to ask him for money for your charity, don't you? Of course not.

I have no intention of asking him for money at this time. That's exactly how I denied I was running for leader when I was running for leader. Oh, fine. But I can do this without scaring him. Trust me. I just need five minutes. It's a fundraising dinner and I haven't raised any funds.

I'm sorry, but no. He's making me popular again and you'll ruin it. You can't stop me from talking to him. Well, maybe I can't, but no, he's making me popular again, and you'll ruin it. You can't stop me from talking to him. Well, maybe I can't, but... Oh, wow, look over there, it's his dame, Helen Mirren. What? Damn, why does that always work? So sorry

about that, Scott. A little domestic emergency, just the... Let me in. Just the door won't work. Temperamental thing, just can't trust it. Well, I'm sure you've got a lot on. Shall we discuss the manifesto? I've got a lot of ideas about... As you say, there'll be plenty of time for the little details later. Right, well, this door is well and truly jammed,

so probably quickest if you leave by the window. See you tomorrow. Right, Jones, the launch starts in an hour. So when the press arrive... Right, yeah, I've got my taser at the ready, sir. No. No, we actually need the press for this one. But if Christine shows up, she cannot be allowed in at all.

This is vital, Jones. If push comes to shove, could you turn against the wife of someone you were sworn to protect? Of course I would. I went up and worked for Prince Andrew and there was a 24-7 Fergie alert. I'm going in now, but keep a lookout. She's devious, that one. One of the first things that attracted me to her, actually. Hi, is this the Common Sense launch?

Got a delivery for you. Oh, right, yeah, this is the place. Go on, take it in, take it in. Right-o. Oh, no, actually, I should probably have a look inside, you know, see if there's anything edible. Dangerous. Anything dangerous in there.

Oh. Oh. Hello, Mrs T. Jones! What are you doing here? Wait. This isn't my isolation tank. Wait, nice try, Mrs T, yeah.

But I'm not letting you in. It's my job, it's my vocation, you know, it's my life. I take my vote of the Crown very seriously. What if I gave you a Twix? Yeah, all right, in you go. Oh! Oh, hi, Scott. Christine Tobin. We met yesterday briefly. That is correct.

I believe when meeting the spouse of a business colleague, one should make small talk. That crime show on television is popular. Oh! That's my reminder to urinate. Wait, wait. I'll get right to the point. I work with Helping Hands, an excellent charity that does a lot of good in the world of... In the world.

And I would love it if you could... Oh, dear. I know you must think that being a billionaire I could fund several charities and not even notice. That's true. But I hate being asked for money in return for nothing. It's not logical. So I only ever donate to the Brighter Future Foundation as it's an exact fit to my own belief system. Ah. Um. But what if I was to say that

by making a donation to Helping Hands you'd not only be helping children or or disease or something. Maybe it is hands, actually. But you'd be getting something priceless in return. A royal seal of approval? Our links to the Duchess of Cambridge could give your common-sense party a real...

upgrade. Interesting. OK, I can't offer you any serious money on principle, but I suppose I could make a tiny donation. How old is... Four million, Sal. Four million! Yes, I think that will probably do.

See me afterwards. Yes, thank you so much. Thank you. Hello, Mrs Tobin. You're looking happy. It's time to celebrate. Henry's new friend just got me a ticket to the top table. And helped a charity, obviously.

Oh, God. Oh, you should have seen me smashing his logic back at him like I was Venus Williams playing against a confused child. He was all, oh, I only believe in the Brighter Future Foundation. Oh, I remember the Brighter Future Foundation.

Yeah, Mum and Dad used to be members. Weird bunch. Wait, you find them weird? What's so weird about them? I can't remember. It's something to do with science. Hang on, I'll get the website up. See? Oh, I can be a good personal assistant. Can I be yours?

Well, let's not rush into anything. Wait, wait, show me that website. Here. Oh. Oh, God. We have to stop Henry. Any word for the Times on what we're about to see, Mr Tobin? I'm not one for exaggeration, but you are about to see the most exciting thing to happen to politics

since the invention of those little voting booth pencils. Something no-one's ever tried before. And what is more... Who let my wife in here? I'm sorry? It's my bad, sir. She's found my one-week spot. Henry, we need a word. Quickly. You can have a word. It's no.

You shouldn't even be here. It's important, Mr Tobin. I've just been talking to Scott and... That's the one thing I specifically asked you not to do. I can't believe you're so jealous of me getting back into politics you'd be willing to ruin it all just to make yourself look good in front of your friends. No, it's not that. It's that... And you're just jealous that my new watch does your job better than you ever could.

Oh! I'm taking down the shrine when I get home. Normally I would leave you to it, but this could be embarrassing. Your presence here is embarrassing and, frankly, a bit desperate, Christine. Especially in my moment of triumph. The press conference is about to start. Duke Jones, please escort them out of the venue and I will talk to them at home. Right, I will do. Right, come along. There is absolutely

no way that you're getting back in here unless you've got another Twix. And though many people, some of them in this room, thought Henry Tobin was a political footnote, I sit here today replenished, risen like a phoenix from the flames. But the Common Sense Party isn't just about one man's incredible return from obscurity, a story to which the film rights are available.

No, this party wouldn't be possible without the brains of a great rich man. Scott Metch. Scott. Thank you, Henry. First, I'd like to start with a light-hearted joke to show my personal side. The weather today is not very hot,

considering we are in summer. Thank you. Now to business. For years, politicians have been getting it wrong, while the data always gets it right. The Common Sense Party are here to offer a brighter future. Exactly. No more big state intervention on every detail, just common sense.

No red tape. We hate red tape. No telling people what they can and can't eat. If you want a burger, have a burger. It's just common sense. No more nanny states stepping in and keeping people alive who, in any other era, would have died. Exactly. Wait, wait, wait, what? What? Politics has been stifling the individual for too long, stopping the brightest rising to the top.

That's why we're proposing mandatory IQ tests. Maybe we should wrap it up there, Scott. Next slide, please. Oh, God. As you can see from the diagram here, once we've classified everybody by IQ, only the top 20% will be allowed to reproduce. Like Henry says, it's common sense. It sounds a lot like eugenics.

No, not really. You can attach your labels to it if you wish. All Henry and I... Mainly Scott. All we want to do is help the mentally less able by giving them no expensive, time-consuming children to look after, allowing them to fill their potential in our labour camps. Any questions? LAUGHTER their potential in our labour camps. Any questions?

It's the old smartwatch. Apparently I'm about to have a heart attack. Honestly, one failed launch of a political party with a mad eugenicist billionaire, and it's front-page news. I mean, have the press really got nothing better to do? Is that the star? No. Why? What's on the front of the star? Oh, it's not that bad.

It's just your fierce and every swear word. Even a few new ones. Aren't you going to be late for your radio show? I've lost the gig. Even for talk radio, a modern eugenicist is too much. I've been replaced by George Galloway. Still, now I've got more free time on my hands,

maybe I should get into charity, like you. Oh, I'm not out of the charity anymore. Nobody is. They went into administration as Sophie spent the four million before finding out it was from someone who didn't quite match their ethos. Which is? I still don't know. I think it was cats or heart disease.

Morning, all. How are we doing? Great. My career's reached a new low and I now make Lawrence Fox look like Barack Obama. Oh. Well, I know what'll cheer you up. A nice cup of iced tea. Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, it's spilled all over your fancy smartwatch. It's ruined. No, I think it's fine. I think it's... Look, it's still... Ow! Ow! Ow! What are you doing? Give it back!

Die, watch! Die! I'm the best assistant! I'm the daddy! I'm the daddy! No! Now it's ruined. Parliament. Parties Over starred Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy,

Justin Edwards and K.L. Smith-Biner. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. It was produced by Simon Nicholls and Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.