Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Party's Over: ep6 Going Green 27th August 2021

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

What happens when the Prime Minister suddenly stops being Prime Minister?One day you're the most powerful person in the country, the next you're irrelevant, forced into retirement 30 years ahead of schedule and find yourself asking 'What do I do now?'Miles Jupp stars as Henry Tobin - Britain's shortest serving and least popular post war PM (he managed 8 months).We join Henry soon after his crushing election loss. He’s determined to not let his disastrous defeat be the end of him. Instead Henry's going to get back to the top - he's just not sure how and in what field..This week Christine encourages Henry to make the most of his green credentials.Henry Tobin... Miles Jupp Christine Tobin... Ingrid Oliver Natalie... Emma Sidi Jones... Justin Edwards Lizzie... Alice FraserWritten by Paul Doolan and Jon HunterProduced by Richard Morris and Simon Nicholls Production co-ordinator: Caroline BarlowA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Party's over by Paul Doolan and John Hunter.

Right, so we should practice for the interview. Mr Tobin, what do you think you could bring to British Oil? Oh, well, gosh. I suppose I work very well as an individual and as part of a team. I'm a whiz with Excel. It's not that type of interview, Natalie. This is much more nudge, wink, welcome to British Oil. You scratch our backs, we scratch yours. Well, I think it's disgusting. Oh, I think Mr Torbin's got a lovely back. Me too.

Powerful, sleek, elegant, spineful... Not his bad bit. Shilling himself to a morally bankrupt energy company. I mean, come on! They've almost been involved in as many scandals as... What is you? They may be morally bankrupt, but the wage they're offering is frankly stupendous.

Finally, one of those good-money, no no work jobs that ex-prime ministers get. I thought Cameron didn't have them all. Well, as a very green person, I am dead against it. Can't we just start a foundation like every other failed leader? Retired leader? I am retired.

How exactly are you green? I always use my keep cup when I remember it. If not, I buy a new one. Oh, I take it back. Sorry, Greta. All right, we're nearly there, sir. Now, British Oil will be looking to exploit your contacts, so best to play up in the interview that you have access to world leaders.

Yeah. Er, not many of them are returning my calls. You got that postcard from Berlusconi the other day. I'm not sure they'll be hugely impressed by a pornographic postcard both from and featuring a man who was somehow too corrupt for it to be. Well, er, how once did protection work for Sir Paul McCartney? I don't think that'll impress the board of a petrochemical company, Jones.

Unless they want to start fracking the mull of Kintyre. Right, right, here we are. Oh, no, what the... No more oil! No more oil! No more oil! Keep your carbon in the soil. Oh, there's an eco-protest blocking the gates. I love those. You know, I've actually signed quite a few petitions in support of them.

Can't you get us through there, Jones? You know, I personally, sir, like nothing more than a moor down a load of hippies. But you're just card these days, you know, thanks to Brussels. Look, we can't just sit here. My interview's supposed to start in five minutes. Where are you going? I'm going to reason with them. What, I'm a man of the. My interview's supposed to start in five minutes. Where are you going? I'm going to reason with them. What? I'm a man of the people.

They'll listen to me. I can talk them into letting us through. You should be ashamed of yourselves, you selfish, selfish bastards! Reverse the car! Reverse the car Reverse the car All right, y'all Well, it was good to finally speak, Henry

even if we did have to do the interview on video Actually, you know, we thought all this eco-nonsense would stop when we changed our logo to a leaf but no, they're still at it No manners, those protesters. Absolutely, Hugo. And I thought it was you oil people who were meant to be crude. Oh, yeah, yeah, very good, yeah.

Oh, that's very good, yeah. Yeah, very good. Right, well, goodbye then. Yeah, I'm sure we'll be speaking again soon. Oil will be in touch soon. Well, thanks again and goodbye. Oh, damn, Henry, you should have stopped at one joke. Did you hear that, Christine? He'll be speaking to me soon.

Looks like it's in the bag. I do love a video call. I realised halfway through that my flyer was down, but he'll never know. So, I'm still here, actually, Henry Oldchap. You need to press the red button to hang up. Right. Just a little joke. I knew you were there.

Hang up, hang up. There. Hello, Henry Tobin's office. Natalie, assistant confidant and soulmate speaking. One sec. Mr Tobin, someone wants to speak to you about your new environmental movement. Henry? As if! Oh, yeah, it's all over Twitter.

You're trending. There's even a video. Look, look. Henry Tobin gives oil company both barrels. Look. You should be ashamed of yourselves, you selfish, selfish bastards. Oh, God. Oh, no. People are loving it. They're calling you the Joanna Lumley of the eco-movement.

You're a plucky David standing up to an oily Goliath. What? I mean, you've fracked the entirety of the Peak District. Yes, once. Who's on the line, anyway? Oh, who may I say is speaking? OK, please hold. Oh, my God, it's Lizzie Bayliss, the eco-influencer.

I love her. Oh, Lizzie Bayliss. Do you know her? She was at university with Henry and I. Henry hadinfluencer. I love her. Oh, Lizzie Bayliss. Do you know her? She was at university with Henry and I. Henry had a bit of a crush on her. It's not true. There was just a simple misunderstanding. When he ran into her bedroom at three in the morning. I was running away from campus security

after a particularly rowdy debate on electoral reform and I threw myself into the nearest room. Landing in front of Lizzie on his knees, panting quite hard. Like in my dream. Pardon? Nothing. Right, well, Lizzie was always a bit self-absorbed, and assumed I was declaring my undying love for her.

Well, that's Henry's story, and he's sticking with it. It's the truth. I never liked her. Even less now, with her recipes for vegan wallpaper paste and belief that vaccines cause bad phone reception. What does she want, anyway? I'll check. What do you want, anyway? Haven't you done enough? OK, please hold.

She wants you to make a speech at her eco-conference thingy. Oh, absolutely not. Tell her no, Natalie. Oh, don't you dare, Natalie. You are accepting that offer. Lizzie's conference is basically the eco-event of the year. It's on Branson's Island, for goodness sakes. Everyone's there. The Obamas, DiCaprio, Emma Thompson. Are you meant to be making this sound attractive or putting me off? Because I know what's winning.

Just think of the money we'd be able to get people to invest. In what? The Tobin Foundation. We could be a green power couple raising money to save the world. We won't need British oil. Netflix will be there. We might even be able to get a piece of that Harry and Meghan pie. I don't want a piece of that pie, or any pie.

All right, come on now, leave pie out of this. Henry, we've not been out of the country in over a year, and it's a free luxury holiday on a billionaire's island, surrounded by people who will invest in anything as long as it's a free luxury holiday on a billionaire's island surrounded by people who will invest in anything as long as it's got the word green in it. Would you put it like that? But only to get this foundation going. I'll just put you

through, Lizzie. I'll take it in the other room so you don't have to listen to me grovelling to a simpleton. Oh, come on, Henry. You've talked to more annoying people before. You were at Michael Gove's stag do for God's sake. Lizzie! Little Henny!

Please don't call me that. Long time no tater-tater. Sorry, just finished my mindfulness, so I am blissed out. You, er, You wanted to talk. I did, Hennekins. Funny, isn't it, me chasing you for a change? Just my little joke. No, I was wondering

if you'd be able to come to my eco-conference and talk about your new ecologically aware stance. It's so refreshing to finally see you do something good for the country. Well, obviously I'm very inspired by all the stuff that you do. Thank you, Henny. I never get bored of hearing that. I literally hear it all the time and it makes me super greatsy. That's how I say grateful. There's just one reservation, Henny.

Is it a good idea with, you know... The eco-movement? Well, broadly, yes. It just tends to involve the worst people. No, no, no. You being near me, on an island paradise, we both know how you feel about me. Look, Lizzie, that's all in the past. Just really far in the past. The only loves in my life now are Christine and this bloody planet of ours.

Then let's do it. I can't pay you much to make a speech. Would £10,000 be offensive? I'm sure I'll cope. This is the life, flying to a private island on a private helicopter. Yes, I always dreamt of one day being simultaneously deafened and airsick. Oh, don't moan through the whole trip. This is an amazing opportunity for us.

Oh, yes, I have to make a speech in front of a room of the world's most annoying narcissists. It's like party conference all over again. Don't you see, though? You can use your speech to pitch the Tobin Foundation. Lots of rich people wanting to be seen doing something good. They'll throw money at us. Really, it would be like conference, dodging coins.

If this goes well, by Christmas I will be the exec producer of a documentary about modern feminism. Oh, and serial killers. I love those ones. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right. I hope we'd all agree that serial killing isn't right, Natalie. No. This. Flying. The glorious leader in our compound growing up

always said that flying was against nature. We weren't even allowed trampolines in case we went too high and angered the special ones. And you're still absolutely sure this wasn't a cult, Natalie? Definitely not. You know, I've not been in one of these since I was choppered out of the Falklands. Aren't you a little young to have fought in the Falklands? No, it wasn't the war, it was a stag do that went wrong.

Got very wrong, actually. Oh, coming into land now. God, it's hot. I might need a change of a suit. I've sweated right through this one. It's so exciting. I've never been on an island before. You live in Britain, Natalie.

Well, exactly! Now, there's a lot of familiar faces around. Maybe I could get some of them on my podcast. Yes, I bet they'll be lining up to appear on Desert Island Pastries. Who are these people, anyway? Don't worry, I've prepared a short pricey for everyone here, so you can be fully briefed.

So that's Lolly Austin, model, eco-campaigner and oat milk spokeswoman. Three of the hardest jobs in the world. Where does she find the time? Oh, over there. That's Paul McCartney. Ah, yes.

Father of fashion designer Stella McCartney. And used to be in some band. Some band? Natalie, they were the biggest group in musical history. No, no, wings weren't that big. Natalie, they were the biggest group in musical history. No, no, wings weren't that big. I've always wanted to meet a Beatle, and there are only two left now.

Well, one and a half, really. You used to work for him, didn't you, Jones? Can you introduce us? Well, it's maybe not a good idea. You know, I've got sacks for hiding meat products around his house. I think the chorizo ring in the airing cupboard was the last straw. Kenny, Christine, you camey. Lizzie Bayliss, eco-campaigner, former actress, model, home-wrecking bitch.

Sorry. Thank you, Natalie. Lizzie! Super brills to see you both. Chrissie, you are ageing so graciously. Remind me to give you one of my new hemp and goji cream concealers. They are like magic. Lizzie, you haven't changed at all.

Thank you. I put you in the lodge furthest from mine just so Henny doesn't get tempted. I thought you'd appreciate it. The only thing Henny is tempted to do is... Thank you. That's perfect. Really. The further away, the better.

You know, I'm so looking forward to this. Henry and I are both very focused on fixing this darn planet of ours. In fact, we are starting a foundation. It's a kind of Obama-style charity-cum-TV-production-company focused on, you know, all of this. I assume there will be someone from Netflix here I could talk to? Clever little you, but save it for the drinks reception at the Tiki Bar later.

They will all be there. Anyway, can't stay with you here all day. I must play host. Barack, darling, how are you? Where is that smashing wife of yours? Clever little you. Nice of you to stand up for me, Henry. I was trying to stay on her good side

by not speaking to her at all. Right, let's get to our lodge. I really hope there's a minibar. We are going to need it. So, this is an eco-lodge. It looks like if Gwyneth Paltrow mated with the Centre Parcs. Which one's my room, actually? Where are the bedrooms? None of the signs say bedroom. Much as it worries me to say so, I think the bedrooms are the ones labelled rejuvenation pod.

Oh, there's a gift bag. Oh, good, we've got a complimentary aura purifier. Slucky, I forgot to pack mine. Watch out, these biscuits are pretty good. That's a seaweed exfoliator pad. Yeah, that's nice. It's salty. Oh, oh, it's Hugo Lucking from British Oil. Hugo, hi.

Henry, now, listen, I'm calling about this clip of you calling us all selfish bastards. I mean, we are, obviously, but the board don't like to be called it to their faces. Look, you've been spotted at this green thingy. Complete mix-up, Hugo. I was shouting about the protesters. Can't stand them, and I'm only here for the perks, you know, free holiday. Sure, I'm making a keynote speech, but really, it's all under duress. Oh, right.

Do you know, this could actually be mutually beneficial for us, because if you're Mr Green and British Oil announce you as our new signing, it looks like we're taking a step in the right direction. Our share price hits a gusher and you've got a 50k consultancy retainer. 50,000 a year? A week. you've got a 50k consultancy retainer. 50,000 a year? A week.

I could hug you right now. I honestly don't see how you could. But, of course... This would all be dependent on you pushing the effort being made by British oil and the fossil fuel sector in this speech of yours. How dependent is it? I'm not sure I'd be able to change my speech. It's very dependent. No speech, no fee.

But we'd pay you a bit of pocket money for the speech too, obviously. How does ten grand sound? As I was saying, I will definitely be able to do that. Marvellous. Whose husband is about to make the easiest 20 grand in his life? Ooh, I hope it's mine! All I have to do is make a little speech picking up British

oil, and I'm quids in. Let's go and get some cocktails. Oh, can I change first, sir? I've sweated through my second suit already. It's like I'm made of taps. Complimentary nibbles, anyone? From Lizzie's own range. Ooh, they look nice. Breast milk and lovage arancini.

No. Absolutely not. Yeah, I just remembered I don't eat any more. I bought some snacks from the lodge. I think that's a bar of soap, James. It's good. Actually, you should try one. The mango flavour is like a bubbly Solero. Right.

I'm going to get drumming up support for the Tobin Foundation. Can I borrow Natalie? Point out who's who. Absolutely. I've got much more important things to do. I'm going to meet Paul McCartney. I'm going to need a bit of the old Dutch courage to approach a beetle. Could you fetch me a drink, James? Just a light beer.

I'll see if they've got some Newcastle Brown. Some more of these lovely soaps, too. Oh, hi, Chrissie. You should really go and talk to my friend little Greta over there. You two would get on like a yurt on fire. It's so exhausting hosting these little events. Always someone who wants to grab a selfie tell me that I'm their hero.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm off to the balcony for a breather. We keep it pitch black out there, so the view of the stars is breathtaking. Don't fall over the edge. What on earth is that drink? It's so orange, it looks like it should be inciting an American race ride. What on earth is that drink? It's so orange it looks like it should be inciting an American race ride. They were all out in Newcastle Brown, so I got us a couple of cocktails.

This one's called the Burning Earth. Never seen a drink with so many sparklers in. Is it for children? Oh, no. No. Oh, definitely not. I was a bit of a McCartney chat at the bar. He's having a jam session back at his lodge later. What? A jam session? With Sir Paul? I could play the guitar.

Sure, I haven't played since we did that reggae track at party conference that the press totally misconstrued, but... I can't pass this chance up. I need to get an invite. Well, you could ask him yourself. He's out on the balcony. He said he was going to look at the moon. Probably going to write an annoying song about it. I'm not sure if it's the fresh sea air or the not inconsiderate amount of alcohol in this cocktail, but I'm going to do it.

I am going to go and speak to a bloody beetle. Wish me luck, Jones. Right, right, good luck. Oh, God, not that balcony, Mr Torby No, the other one, no, not He'll figure it out Oh, what was in that drink? Can't see a bloody thing out here

Right, steady yourself, It's just a man. Who happened to be in the Beatles? Ah, ah, ah, there you are. Sorry, sorry, I really can't see you in the dark. I'll say this quickly. Basically, I've been a little bit obsessed with you for a long time now, and it would be my absolute honour if I could come back to your lodge later and have a bit of a play.

I mean, my fingering's not what it was, but... Honestly, I'd be happy just to watch you play by yourself. Harry, I knew this would happen. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I thought... I am going to go now, and you should think about going home. Maybe this whole thing was not a good idea. No, no, let me explain.

I'm all for a healthy breakfast, but bacon-shaped millet and sprout fillets in wheat-free baps have got to fall under the European Convention of Human Rights. I'm sticking with a nice strong coffee and a bar of eco-soup. This one's pineapple. It's like solid lilt. Here he comes.

Henry Tobin, 44, ex-Prime Minister, philandra and disloyal love rat. Oh, come on. You can't still be going on about this. I have explained everything to Lizzie. She accepts. It was all a misunderstanding. It better be.

Right. Like I do with a slap-up full English. I've got a speech to give at lunchtime. Good luck with that. Look at the menu. Sausage-shaped runner bean and guava pulp. I should have known. Full English breakfast without meat is like a TV show hosted by Just Ants. There's something wrong about it. A full English breakfast without meat is like a TV show hosted by just ants. There's something wrong about it. It's kind of sinister.

I just need to finish this speech. I've already had three missed calls from Hugo. I thought you were getting up early to finish it, or was your mind on other things? For the last time, I have no feeling at all for Lizzie Bayliss. What anyone could see in that woman is a mystery to me. Oh, yes, what could anyone see in her? Bud Jover? Hey, I am trying to find photos of wind farms for my presentation. I mean, who does a swimsuit photo shoot to advertise their own brand of dental floss?

Look at her. Get the pictures from the War Child campaign up. She went full topless. Get the pictures from the war child campaign up. She went full topless. You should only show your body to your doctor or your personal assistant. I do not want my laptop being used to research soft porn, thank you very much. I just need some peace and quiet to write to this speech. Will somebody find me some bacon?

I'll swap you some for another mango shampoo. It really brings out the froth in this cappuccino. Is it safe to come this close to you, Henny? I have told you I am not removed. Just my little joke, Henny. I believe you. I am very much looking forward

to this speechio of yours. Everything set up OK? Yeah, the laptop, it's plugged into the projector, screen mirroring on, microphone switched there, and one excellent speech. Ready to go. He's over there talking to her again.

She's probably seducing him right now. I can't lip read, but I'm pretty sure she's saying come to the forest and take me among the animals. Oh! Someone should arrest her. Please stop gripping my arm so tightly, Natalie. You've cut off the circulation. Hi, everyone.

Oh, stop it. Stop it. You mustn't, but thank you. I'm not one for speeches myself, as I said at the G20 last year. But I've got a little treat for you now. A very old friend of mine who's pretty new to the movement from the world of politics, where he was an MP or something. Mr. Henry Tobin. Thank you. Thank you, Lizzie. Gracious as always. You know, as a politician, Prime Minister, actually, the big one, it feels strange being surrounded by so many people I actually respect.

And it's made me think that sometimes support can come from the most surprising of places, like, say, how about British oil? Think about it. The Green Movement are passionate, though we may be, can't do it all by ourselves. But maybe, just maybe, we should think about engaging the big companies, the oil giants, too. Or not. Oh, God. Hugo.

Turn off the screen, please. Penny, why does it say Hugo Lucking from British Oil is Skyping you? It's probably spam. There. Henry, old chap, is now a good time to talk? No.

We are ready to stick it to those eco-weird... Sorry about that. Cold callers. Maybe wrong number or something. Let's not focus on that. What I wanted to show you was the real reason I'm here. Something that I've been passionate about for a long time. These pictures say it all.

There. Oh, God, not those pictures. Henry, is that my war child shirt? How could you? I didn't. My wife and assistant were looking at them. I can explain. I think you should leave now, Henry. Yes.

And I will be in the bar later to discuss the foundation. No, leave the island. You see, it's just a big misunderstanding. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. misunderstand... I can't believe we had to take a boat home. Every oil rig we passed was like a

slap in the face. Talking of slaps in the face, the red mark from the one Lizzie gave you is nearly faded. Well, luckily the kick in the testicles is still very much making its presence felt. We've deleted her contact in your phone and burned your computer just to make sure we don't have to deal with her again.

Very thorough, Natalie. I imagine the restraining order she'll be taking out will help too. Any more news? Er, well, British Oil have cancelled the job offer. They say they don't want to be affiliated with someone known as the Big Green Pervert. Well, this trip was all very worthwhile. Netflix aren't exactly knocking down the door

of the Tobin Foundation either. Doubt we could even get a meeting with GB News. Ah, still, we've got some delicious soaps. Oh, here we go. Right, passports at the ready and then home. Terribly sorry, sir, but that'll have to wait. You're all going to have to quarantine. What? Why?

Well, your friend here is clearly foaming at the mouth. I told you to stop eating soap, Jones. I'm sorry, sir. I couldn't resist. Oh, delicious. Parties Over starred Miles Jupp, Ingrid Oliver, Emma Siddy, Justin Edwards and Alice Fraser. It was written by Paul Doolan and John Hunter. It was produced by Simon Nicholls and Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.