Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep 3. Benefits, Borders, and a game of Truss or Towers.

Episode Date: March 28, 2025

The Naked Week team are back to place satirical news-tariffs on current events with a mix of correspondents, guests and, occasionally, live animals.This week we apply for a job in the parliamentary Work and Pensions office, play a game of 'Liz Truss or new ride at Alton Towers', and make a military incursion into Ambridge to steal territory from The Archers.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers a topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Sarah Dempster Jason HazeleyInvestigations Team: Cat Neilan Louis Mian Freya Shaw Matt BrownGuests: Rubina Pabani, Alice Stapleton.Production Team: Laura Grimshaw, Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, Katie Sayer, Phoebe Butler, Richard Young.Executive Producer: Philip Abrams Produced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

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Hello I'm Andrew Hunter Murray welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine Panorama if it's electrical substation had caught fire and all the news was cancelled. So coming up on the show we listen in as Donald Trump and JD Vance come up with their plan to take over Ukraine's nuclear power plants. Smithers, massage my brain. Yes, sir. You and I can run this plant ourselves. Over on GB News this week, Jacob Rees-Mogg failed to get into the St. Patrick's Day spirit. Green nonsense.

And on TalkTV, ex-Reform UK deputy leader Ben Habib clashed with Julia Hartley-Brewer over how to eat spaghetti. You know what? You need to suck it up. I totally disagree. Give it to Ben, Ben. You need to suck it up. And a longer version of that audio is available on Julia's OnlyFans page. Now this week saw the government introduce quite an unlabour-like policy unless the labour in question is hard manual. This week Sir Keir Starmer piled into the welfare system, slashing benefits here, there and everywhere until perhaps the only benefit left is the one of hindsight that goes, god

voting him in was a mistake, wasn't it? Yes, the Prime Minister has in recent days effectively become the nation's friend without benefits with critics... Thank you. With critics saying he's screwing the most vulnerable by removing their safety nets much like in the 70s Margaret Thatcher came for our milk Remember the phrase, Maggie Thatcher, milk snatcher? Well, please welcome Keir Starmer, wheelchair harmer.

Along with Liz Kendall, the benefits grandel. Topical humour there for anyone listening from the 8th century. At least those were some of the headlines, but the counter argument is of course it's really not fair when scroungers get things for free. Unless of course the scrounger in question is the Chancellor of the Extracker and the thing for free is the 900 pounder pop concert tickets she accepted to see Sabrina Carpenter at the O2 last weekend. Terrible optics. Please, please, please Rachel Reeves. And...

Terrible optics. Please, please, please, Rachel Reeves... Do keep proving us right. As Sabrina might say, that's that me espresso. But there was one aspect of the story that really stood out to us at the Naked Week, and that's how many of the policy changes seem to be aimed at young people. Like junk food adverts and Leonardo DiCaprio, the government is directly targeting the young. But why? One in eight under 25s are now economically inactive and not in education, employment

or training. That's about a million young people. Now, many would say that Starmer is absolutely right. There's clearly a problem here. And as the government is attempting to encourage young people into work, why don't we give them a hand? We wanted to find out what is the best job to have. I'm joined now by The Naked Week's best job to have correspondent, Rubina Pibani.

So, Rubina, you've been researching this. What can we do to help young people into work? First of all, hello young people. I come in peace from the millennials. The ones who did side fringes, peplum tops and Iraq. I have indeed been looking into jobs which have the most benefits and I think I found one. Okay, great news.

Details please. The salary, over 90k with above inflation pay rises. Okay, so I'm guessing that's not nursing or teaching. Not a chance, because with this job, you also get a budget to pay your own staff, including, if you want to, a press officer or a photographer. OK. And not only that, your staff canteen will be heavily subsidised. OK, I think I can see where this is going.

And you can have your own on-site bar where a glass of wine or a pint will cost a fraction of what it does in the real world. I see. And you'll get 17 weeks holiday and nine grand a year for postage and stationery. Nine thousand a year for postage? With that kind of budget you could send nearly three packages by Royal Mail. Second class. Audience, what do we think the job is please?

Being an MP. Being an MP, exactly, of course. But hang on, Rubina, we can't just get a million young people jobs an MP. Being an MP, exactly, of course. But hang on, Rubina, we can't just get a million young people jobs as MPs. That's stupid and unworkable. That's like calling Vladimir Putin and expecting him not to stifle a giggle every time he agrees to a ceasefire. Well, because we like to help, The Naked Week did get in touch with the Electoral Commission and asked if we could split, for example, the Isle of Wight into one million smaller constituencies of 38 square centimeters.

Pfft! Did we really do that? They didn't reply. Oh, okay. Come on, guys. Do you want the young people back into work or not? We're trying to think outside the ballot box here. Give the young people a ticket to ride. Well... Just wait for that to dissipate I think.

Well there is one other option. Who did we spot was advertising for a new parliamentary assistant this very week? The architect the benefit cuts herself. Work and pension secretary Ms Liz Kendall MP. So to be completely fair to Liz, she's rightly identified that one million young people need jobs and now she's immediately gone out and created one. Yes. But if she keeps up this pace of one new job a day,

it will only take another 2,739 years, and we will have solved youth unemployment. So, Rubina, what can we do to help these one million economically inactive young people get this particular job as Liz Kendall's parliamentary assistant. Well, Andy, we're going to put together the best CV ever, and then we're going to apply for the job live on stage. And to help us do that, professional career coach, Alice Stapleton, everybody.

APPLAUSE Alice, thank you so much for joining us. You're very welcome. So just to get this straight, audience, Alice is a professional career coach with years of experience helping people change career or find work, and she is going to help us put together the most impressive CV possible, inspired by the current crop of Labour MPs. So Alice, I'm sure I could pass for under 25, and that is hardly the worst age-related lie a BBC presenter has told, OK?

Right, I am going to play the role of applicant. And let's start off with my work history. So it'd be good to have some real-world experience on there. Should I, for example, say on my CV that I've worked at the Bank of England to pluck a random figure six years? Well, Andy, England for, to pluck a random figure, six years. Well, Andy, if you want to be a Labour MP, there's no need to be truthful on your CV. You can just lie about how long you've worked at the Bank of England

and still take one of the top four offices of state. Great news. OK, in that case, can we please put down that I worked at the Bank of England for 73 years? Yeah, adding that now. Fantastic. OK, what about my hobbies and interests? Go on. Well, let's say for the sake of argument that one of my hobbies is punching my constituents in the street. Let's put that under sports. Got the CV up on the screen here.

Any others? I quite like lying about the fact that my mobile phone has been stolen, prompting a conviction for fraud. I'll put that under key skills. Perfect. Now an important part of any resume is listing your personal attributes. You want to be an MP.

Do you have any? Not really. Perfect. Next question. Do you like jokes? Have you heard this show? Well, I'll see what you mean. Well, it can be good to show potential future employers that you've got a sense of humour. Okay, well in that case, yes. I love making jokes.

Especially in WhatsApp groups. I love making jokes in parliamentary WhatsApp groups about killing members of the public. Excellent. Let's put that under people skills. It's also essential to include any other roles that you've previously held or you're currently holding. Okay, great. Well, let's say I'm a landlord, But I'm not a good landlord. I'm... I'm a slum landlord. How would being a slum landlord help me get a job as a Labour MP? Well, we can spin this. I think you can say you have a passion for rewilding?

Yes! That's it. I was deliberately breeding black mould and making my tenants live among ant infestations to help the environment. Suck on that Attenborough! Nearly there. So, final question. Interests. What sort of music do you like? I'm a big fan of Sabrina Carpenter. Great. And just your full name? It's Rachel Michael Louise Jazz Andrew Reeves Amesbury Hague at well Gwyn And I should say for listeners at home if you go to the radio for Instagram feed no idea why it's got one

It's mostly just Justin Webb thirst traps You can see us genuinely sending this to Liz Kendall and And what's more, we have written the entire thing in Comic Sans. LAUGHTER Shall we send it? Yes, go for it. And send it. Lovely. LAUGHTER

Off it goes. Quicker than Nicola Sturgeon getting Scott Free tattooed on her knuckles. Ladies and gentlemen, Alice Davidson! APPLAUSE Now, I want everyone in the room to picture Brianne Jackson, aged 15. She was my then-girlfriend at school, and she broke my heart by selfishly having parents who moved to Dorset halfway through term. The question is though, pertaining to this week's news, what if I use that story now,

20 years later, to cynically sell a book? And we're asking that question because, formeratory MP Mark Field this week sold the serialization of his Kiss and Tell vis-a-vis Liz Truss, I know, to the Mail on Sunday. Oh my God. Little cry of despair from the audience. We're doing it, I'm afraid.

There's no stopping it happening. Now, the memoir does include a lot of, let's say, unnecessarily intimate details about Liz. Although, most disconcertingly of all, it suggests she once actually did do something quite sensible. She dumped Mark Field. Now, coincidentally, this week also saw the opening of a new theme park attraction at Alton Towers, and that got us thinking it was time for a little game.

So studio audience, the rules are very simple. You have to guess whether what I'm reading is a review for The Toxic Hater, the new ride at Alton Towers, or... Is it The Toxic Hater, Mark Fields, describing our esteemed former Prime Minister. Are you ready? Yes! Alright, you can play along at home too. Let's play Trust or Towers.

Here we go! First one, exhilarating experience. Is that Trust or Towers? Towers! No, according to Mark Fields, it's Liz Trust. Next one. Overhyped expectations. Truss.

Truss. That is Alton Towers, I'm afraid. That's what Alton Towers does. Must be accompanied by an adult. That's Alton Towers. Intoxicating and disconcerting. Truss. That is Liz Truss, well done. Exhausting. Truss. That is Liz Truss well done

Exhausting That's Liz Truss according to Mark Field. You'll experience heart-pounding centrifugal forces and extreme spin patterns That is Liz Truss It's Alton Towers. Ride duration was too short Ride duration was too short. Of course that was Alton Towers. I felt sick halfway through and my hat blew off. Of course it was. 10 points for everyone, none to Mark Field. Although maybe a bonus one for quite remarkably and for the first time ever making us feel a bit sorry for Liz Truss. Witness the destruction of Earth, stumble upon the ancient planet of Magrathia, and dine at the restaurant at the end of the universe. Enjoy this dynamic remastering of the original BBC Radio 4 full cast serial, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

How would you react if I said that I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Beetlejuice? I don't know. Why, do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say? Drink up, the world's about to end. Start listening to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, primary phase, available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks. Get your audiobooks. So in a turbulent week in which ceasefires seemingly cease to be, now seems like a good moment to step away from the noise and into the Naked Week's very own garden of current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in Haikus. Tim's water gets three billion loan to stay afloat like turds in a lake. in haikus. Laughter Applause Applause Applause You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when the Covid inquiry was accused of being naive and hostile by former Health Secretary Matt Hancock. And speaking of grubby little bodies, it's now... Laughter It's now time for us to don the rubber glove of journalism and have another probe up the corridors of Westminster regulators

to see if anything feels tender. I'm joined once again by The Naked Week's chief investigative proctologist and Tortoise media political editor, Cat Neelan, everybody! Cat, last week we looked at the impressively obscure Office of the Registrar of Consultant Lobbyists who is gripping the table of scrutiny this time. That'll be the PRCA, that's the Public Relations and Communications Association. These guys sound even wilder than last week's lot. Do they also regulate lobbying? Kind of. They're actually the lobbying industry's own trade body, with a code of conduct that its members must abide by.

OK, I can appreciate a code of conduct. I actually have to sign one before each episode of this show, promising not to call Richard Madeley a laminated barrel of despair. Well, I've not signed one, so I say that's exactly what he is. And that's how the law works. Anyway, among other things, their code states... So that sounds pretty clear-cut. Lobbyists can't employ parliamentarians for public affairs.

Correct. Okay, so really I have just one question. Which is? No, it's nothing to do with which is, Kat. I... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I was going to ask,

seeing as the industry's own membership organisation expressly forbids it, presumably these lobbying companies can't and don't employ any MPs. That's right. Great. So credit where credit's due. That sounds like... But they do employ members of the House of Lords. Oh. But aren't Lords also... Parliamentarians? Yes. Legislators also? Yes. Okay, so can we just play that bit of the code of conduct again, please?

Members must not employ any member of the House of Lords to conduct public affairs in any capacity. And a House of Lords spokesperson told The Naked Week that, quote, members are banned from providing paid parliamentary advice or services. OK, I'm sensing a but despite this. But despite this? The Naked Week has uncovered six PR and lobbying firms who are signed up to that code of conduct currently employing members of the House of Lords. So just flat out ignoring their own code of conduct.

Are you trying to tell me they're ignoring their code of conduct? That was very serious. That'll make sense. Edit round that, John. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So just ignoring their own code of conduct then? You say ignoring. Some might say interpreting. And not only that, some of these peers are quite high profile. Remember Tom Watson?

Of course. He was deputy Labour leader under Jeremy Corbyn. And in 2022 Keir Starmer gave him a life peerage for services to not being Jeremy Corbyn. Of course he did. And now Lord Watson is on the advisory council of a quote, strategy and communications agency called Lodestone, not to be confused with Treadstone, the sinister CIA black ops assassin program in the Jason Bourne films. Okay, so Treadstone, sorry, Lodestone is employing Lord Watson, a Labour peer, in direct breach of their own industry's code of conduct.

Judge for yourself, Andy. His role at Lodestone includes providing quote, strategic council, rather than public affairs. And strategic council sounds spectacularly vague. Basically, he's a paid advisor. But I should stress, there is no suggestion that any rules have been broken. Incidentally, Lodestone's client companies include Naked Week favourites Palantir, where Lord Watson is also a paid advisor. Ooh, busy boy. Yes, in fact he's so busy that neither he nor Lodestone responded to the Naked Week's requests for comment.

But the PRCA told us... We acknowledge concerns regarding the employment of peers, and this is an area currently under review as part of our ongoing consultation on the Public Affairs Code. The second phase of this consultation is set to be launched on the 24th of March. So that is progress. The lobbying industry's trade body recognises the flaws in its system, and clearly the Code will soon be tightened so that all companies will be held to the same rigorous standards. Well, no.

There will still be one extremely easy way to get around it. Companies could just not sign up. Make a pardon? It's completely voluntary. Public relations and communications firms can operate without signing up to the Public Relations and Communications Association.

It makes absolutely no difference. Incredible. So if these lobbying companies are operating without even the pretense of a code of conduct, what happens when there really is no handbrake? Well, let's take a quick look at one particular company, Northpoint Strategy. Its chairman is a man called James Wharton, who despite having a staggeringly low-profile career as an MP, still got a peerage from Boris Johnson. So this guy Wharton is now able to shape legislation.

While also running a firm whose job is to influence policies and laws. To be clear, Northpoint describes Lord Wharton's role as… Overseeing the running of Northpoint's strategy and providing strategic counsel to clients. More strategic counsel stuff. Exactly. And that same company, Northpoint, also employs Tory peer and current shadow minister Martin Callanan and perhaps more surprisingly, Carwyn Jones. So that's Carwyn Jones as in the former Labour First Minister of Wales, that Carwyn Jones?

The very same. And just to add, Carwyn Jones told The Naked Week, I always follow the House of Lords Code of Conduct and it's part of my contract with Northpoint. So essentially what all of this boils down to is you can be a Lord or a shadow minister and a Lord or even a former first minister of an entire nation and a Lord and still stroll around the parliamentary estate working for anyone who might want to have laws changed while the industry's

trade body sits there and does nothing of any use. And just like that we're back to Richard Madeley. Can't kneel in everybody! You're listening to The Naked Week. Coming up, it sounds like Michael Gove has finally settled on a title for his memoirs. Politically Motivated Bilge. And it seems the government aren't the only ones having trouble with pips this week. See also Amol Rajan. Editors today with Dan McCadam and Joshua Tindall.

Studio Derri- oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

This week saw the release of Disney's new live action adaptation of Snow White. The film has been heavily criticized for, well, pretty much everything. But there has been extra large rage reserved for the CGI hybrid nightmare that is the seven not dwarfs. Critics can't agree on what they are, and frankly it's hard to say. Part human, part computer with blank dead eyes.

Imagine seven Rachel Reeves' without any of the charm or charisma. But there are plenty more reboots coming down the line. I'm joined by The Naked Week's terrible idea for a remake correspondent, Rubina Pabani. Rubina, what's on Disney's slate? July 2025, I'm really looking forward to this one. Alice's adventures through the changes to disability benefits. After falling down a hole and shuttering her pelvis,

Alice is told that there's nothing wrong with her and she should get a job and stop leeching off society. Here's one coming up in October. The tale of Winnie the Pooh and Andrew Tate. Lovely. Here we go. Pooh and Tate are under house arrest in the Hundred Acre Wood. As the animals hatch a plot to help them escape to Florida, Pooh says that honey is for beater cucks

and from now on he only eats piglets. This one should be fun. Another modern re-imagining of a beloved classic, Lady and the Trump. Are these taken to the original plot? Kind of. Here is how Disney describes it. A flabby old terrier gets his head stuck in a posh tanning bed. Are these taken from the original plot? Kind of. Here is how Disney describes it.

A flabby old terrier gets his head stuck in a posh tanning bed. Then one day the terrier's owner takes him for a ride in a Tesla which instantly catches fire. The end. Now, I don't know if you've noticed, but most of our so-called planet is not getting on too well at the moment. Putin's still throwing troops at Ukraine like a leathery toddler refusing his diplomatic num nums. Israel and Hamas are...

Oh, hang on, sorry, I should tell you, the BBC now gives all its presenters an envelope to open in the event of discussing Gaza. One second, I'll just open this up. Sorry. There's a piece of paper in here, let's just see what it says. It says, shut up. For the love of God, shut up. For the love of God, shut up. Okay, but which God are we talking about? We can't have a hidden light, right?

Moving on. Anyway, boundary disputes are clearly this season's must-have accessory, like crop tops and Nazi salutes. And for the last few weeks, one border Barney in particular has been not so quietly bubbling away. Canada and the United States, that would really be something. You get rid of that artificially drawn line, and it would also be much better for national security. Don't forget, we basically protect Canada.

That's right. It seems at present the world looks like one big episode of Neighbours from Hell. America versus Canada. It is on. It is on like Saskatchewan. LAUGHTER Someone just said Jesus in the audience. It's your own time you're wasting. Even before retaking the Oval Office, the curious orange had his bafflingly healthy heart set on grabbing his northern neighbours by the beaver and moving on them

Like a man who respects boundaries the same way that President Zelensky respects Moss Bros And apparently Trump has decided that if he can't have Greenland for his 51st state Canada will have to do. Now so far Canada has told Trump politely but firmly, but let's be honest, mostly politely, to Vamoose. And this week the new Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was asked for his view. Look, let me state the obvious, huh? Witches. No, Mark, it's got nothing to do with witches. Carry on. Canada's strong. We can stand up for ourselves. We're Canada. We don't need other people to come to our aid.

Mark, you are literally called Can-Aid-Ians. But all this talk of expansionism has got the Naked Week thinking. If you can just wake up one morning, decide you fancy taking over your neighbor's turf, and announce that borders are now totally irrelevant, if it really is that easy, then we want in. Because the Naked Week has its own borders. Borders we never agreed to, with neighbours

we don't much care for. And on a Friday evening, when the Naked Week is first broadcast, our nearest neighbour is the Archers. Sure, to you, it might be an everyday story of hardworking farming folk just trying to get by, but to us, it's a priceless quarter hour of dairy storylines that we think will be much better off as part of the Naked Week. They will be our 31st minute. After all, what even is 7pm? It's just a line on a clock.

Another artificially drawn border. Let me be clear, The Naked Week does not recognize the so-called sovereign authority of the Radio Times. And as for our Saturday lunchtime repeat, what's on after us? Any questions? Hey, weaklings, I've got a question for you. What are you gonna do about it? I've got a question for you. What are you going to do about it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, how to go about annexing the archers? We've been left with no other choice but a full military invasion. Ahead of our forces going in, let's talk to the Naked Week's Rural Warfare correspondent,

Rubina Pabani, who's somewhere near the disputed border with Borsetshire. Rubina, where are you exactly? At about three minutes past seven. LAUGHTER Rubina, as the Invading Programme force, do we have intelligence on how the archers might defend itself from attack? We do. We had a mole inside the archers. Although, because it was digging up his field at Bridge Farm,

Tony Archer has killed it with a spade. LAUGHTER Barbaric. The sooner we get wellies on the ground, the better. What other defences do they have? There's also reports of a solid wall of farmer. Barbaric. The sooner we get wellies on the ground the better. What other defences do they have? There's also reports of a solid wall of farmer, udders fashioned into rudimentary blowpipes, and a Trojan pig stuffed with storylines left over from the last fit-in-mouth outbreak. Frankly, I'm already wearing my MAGA hat. It stands for Make Ambridge Graze Again because

they've had issues with flooding at Brookfield Farm. That's where I am, Andy. I can see five cows over there, then seven cows, then five more cows. Sorry, five cows, then seven cows. And five more cows. Ah, it's the moose in Haikus. From the occupied territory of Ambridge Rubina, thank you. Now let's turn our attention to the incursion itself. This week has been a turbulent time in the bull, what with Helen Archer being accused by Brian Aldridge of getting into bed with Big Pharma.

And the Big Pharma in question being Eddie Grundy. But let me say this, if we want to secure our rightful territory, there will be no compromising. The Archers must feel the full weight of the naked weak military industrial complex. Linda Snell must not be allowed to join NATO. And so, in a pincer movement from the Ambridge farm in the south to Grey Gables in the north, we're going in. Cry havoc and let slip the cows of war! How was your meeting? Ah, alright. No dissent among the locals.

We're fortifying Willow Farm and laying landmines in adjacent fields. Any pockets of resistance will be dealt with. Meaning what? You know what it means, Tony. The Naked Weak doesn't negotiate with terrorists. What can we do about that? We can protest, Helen. At least we can make our voices heard.

Fruitless, like Ambridge flower and produce show after the tanks have rolled through. Oh, I'm going to miss it. Now, it's comic relief weekend, so I'm off to sit in a tepid bath of mediocrity for Keir Stammer. That's all for this week's Naked Week. Goodbye! The Naked Week was hosted by Andrew Hunter Murray with correspondent Rubina Pabani and guest Alice Stapleton. It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Careddy, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster and Jason Haisley, with investigations team Kat Neelan, Louis Mian, Matt Brown and Freya Shaw. Additional material by Carl Menz, Ali Panting, Cooper Mwini-Swert, Kevin Smith and Olivia Williams. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes. It's

an unusual production for b- Hello, Greg Jenner here. I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4. We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it. And we're back for a brand new series, Series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legends of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France. We are looking at the Arts and Craft movement and the life of Sojourner Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age. Loads of different stuff. It's a fantastic series, it's funny, we get great historians, we get great comedians. So if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.

Witness the destruction of Earth, stumble upon the ancient planet of Magrathia and dine at the restaurant at the end of the universe. Enjoy this dynamic remastering of the original BBC Radio 4 full cast cereal, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. How would you react if I said that I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Beetlejuice? I don't know. Why, do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?

Drink up, the world's about to end. Start listening to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, primary phase. Available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks.