Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep1. Royal lodges, asylum hotels and witches.

Episode Date: November 7, 2025

This week we provide recourse for a randy royal, organise an on-air riot and, for Halloween, get confused over which witch is which.From host Andrew Hunter Murray and The Skewer's Jon Holmes, Radio 4���s newest Friday night comedy The Naked Week returns with a blend of the silly and serious. From satirical stunts to studio set pieces via guest correspondents and investigative journalism it's a bold, audacious take not only on the week’s news, but also the way it’s packaged and presented.An unusual production for BBC Radio 4Host; Andrew Hunter Murray Guests: Bella Hull, Lisa WebbInvestigations Team: Cat Neilan, Cormac Kehoe, Freya ShawWritten by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Jason Hazeley James KettleAdditional Material: Karl Minns Vivienne Hopley-Jones Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt Helen Brooks Ali Panting Kevin Smith Sophie DicksonLive Sound: Jerry Peal Post Production: Tony Churnside Clip Assistant: David Riffkin Production Assistant: Molly PunshonAssistant Producer: Katie Sayer Producer: Jon HolmesExecutive Producer: Phil Abrams.an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray, and welcome to The Naked Week. Imagine the news agents if they'd rented out their studio without getting the proper landlord's license. Coming up on the Naked Week this week, Prime Minister Kirstama shared his main takeaways from a recent swingers' crews. It taught me skills such as watching somebody's eye, so you know when to come in. How did they know it was Keir? Because he threw his keys in the bowl and missed. In other news, in other news, the BBC confirms news strictly presenters.

The king and the pope. Wow. I mean, even if you're the most died-in-the-wool license fee skeptic, you have to admit that is one hell of a coup. And over on LBC, James O'Brien trialed a new format for his show where he outlines the three kinds of people that call LBC. You're thick, you're racist, and you're weird. Right.

Which is also how take that tell themselves apart. Now, before we go any further, I want to shout out a big 6-7 to our younger listeners. If you don't know what a 6-7 is, by the way, I can tell you it's a viral internet meme that has become the obsession of both children and children. And Guardian journalists. Seriously, the Guardian. In the last week alone, they've had... Six-seven.

Should parents be worried? No. No, of course not. It's not Andrew Tate. It's just a passing fad of saying two numbers out loud. Let's all calm down. The next day, five teachers on dealing with six-seven in the classroom. Right, you do know there's other news going on, right?

UK teachers, how are you coping with six-seven? Okay, right. No, you don't. All right, well, you've already done teachers. Maybe you've got a different angle on six-seven? Teachers, and six, seven. Okay, clearly not. But then the Guardian did change tack

because they suddenly realised they hadn't even explained what it is. Six, seven. What does it mean? No one knows. No one knows. So, I'm glad we've cleared that up. Now, they're creepy and they're kooky,

mysterious and spooky. They're altogether, uki, the royal family. Yes, it's Halloween. And while the royal family aren't exactly, Exactly like the Adam's family, there are similarities. Mainly the creepy uncle. And the wandering hand. And also the fact that if you look up the Adams family on Wikipedia, it says they are...

An eccentric old money clan who delight in the grotesque and are seemingly unaware or unconcerned that other people find them bizarre or frightening. It's not a great leap, is it? Of course, it's all about Prince Andrew who, until this week, was continuing to Uncle Fester in the comfy surroundings of the Royal Lodge. And we have been learning what he's been getting up to. He's been revealed that Prince Andrew hosted the late sex offender Geoffrey Epstein

as well as Gilae Maxwell and Harvey Weinstein at the Royal Lodge. Offenders assemble. Was Diddy Busy that night? On a positive note, for one afternoon at least, the entire rest of the world was briefly a much safer place. And in case you're thinking, well, so what? A lodge doesn't sound that luxurious.

I stayed in a travel lodge and someone had pissed in the kettle. This one is a bit different. It has 98 acres of grounds. There's a swimming pool, a tennis court, a driving range, which I assume is what royals call roads. and the house itself has 30 rooms including seven bedrooms each with its own

onsuit cupboard full of skeletons and the Royal Lodge lest we forget was a peppercorn property for Andrew so-called because there's a nominal contractual rent that's never collected and also because of all the grinding that actually you know what we're better than that we're not better than that

so Andrew has been desperately trying to strike a deal over which free house he gets next and the big question on the lips of the media this week has been we're next for the prince formerly known as Andrew and it's been very difficult to come up with an answer at least one that doesn't involve the word belmarsh but as you know we at the naked week like to make ourselves useful so as it's Halloween what better way to help Andrew see into his future than by harnessing the dark arts please welcome to read the royal rooms a real-life witch Lisa Webb

Hi, Lisa. And you're called Lisa Webb, which is also a bit witchy. So this could not be going any better, to be honest. I mean, do you have a cap? Because that really would be the spooky triple. I think there's been a bit of a mistake here. I'm not actually a witch. I'm a senior lawyer for Witch Magazine.

Genuinely. Yeah, no, honestly, I've worked there for like 10 years. Which magazine? Oh, which magazine? Sorry, right. Okay, well, this is. is a bit awkward. Have you ever used the dark arts to predict the future?

Nope, not really. Mostly, I just advise on consumer law and media law. Oh, that's good, actually. I might need to speak to you about something I said about cattle in travel lodges. Okay. Right, what to do? I mean, you're here, Lisa, and you do work for which magazine? Yeah, it's got nothing to do with which.

But we still want to help Prince Andrew review his options. So, Lisa, our witch-spelt W-H-I-C-H-I-C-H. How about if we play to your skill set and you review Prince Andrew as if he were a range of consumer goods and services? That I can do. And so I know you've brought a copy of Which magazine with you.

We have also been joined by The Naked Weeks. We booked the wrong guest, so let's get out of this awkward segment with as much dignity as we can correspondent, Bella Hull! So, Bella, what's in the magazine? Right, well, let's have a look. For a start, there's three pages on steam cleaners.

Oh, perfect. Okay, so let's do what sort of things do you look for in both the steam cleaner and a disgraced royal? Great idea. Okay, so Prince Andrew, what are the categories we've got here? Does he heat up quickly? Lisa? Well, I mean, if he does, you wouldn't know because of, you know, that medical condition. Right.

Any issues plugging it in? Yes. He does have a very short fuse, and as of now, no problem. If something goes wrong with my one, how much compensation is paid out? Twelve million pounds. But only if nobody admits that anything criminal took place and all charges are denied. Does it have any attachments? One-X wife, not particularly useful.

Okay, finally, is there a child safety feature? I'm not answering that. Okay, the lawyer is indicating that we should stop. So ladies and gentlemen, our correspondent Bella Hull and our witch who isn't a witch but who does work at witch, Lisa Webb. You are listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4, where the time has come once again to take a quiet stroll in the relaxing garden of current affairs contemplation.

It's the news in haikus. Welsh by-election drubbing. Very Keffili. It's the news in haikus. This week, Nigel Farage conducted a press conference alongside a survivor of grooming gangs and where he dealt with a question from a female journalist with all his trademark openness and honesty.

Can you just explain when you two first got to? to know each other? No, right. Moving on. No, no, no, hold on, Nigel. This is a survivor of grooming gangs. We'll keep my personal life out of this, should we? It's going to have some fun doing it.

Nigel Farage, they're having some fun in a press conference about grooming gangs. But the old smoking lounge lizard has form in patronising women. Here he is recently with Bloomberg presenter and today program survivor, Michelle Hussein. So if you were Prime Minister, and Russian jets entered NATO airspace,

whatever that does, how much that inflames tensions? Listen, love, you're trying ever so hard. Listen, love, you're trying ever so hard. That's right, Michelle. You're trying ever so hard. Don't you worry a pretty little head about Russia. Leave Russia to the experts. Experts like Nathan Gill,

the former Welsh leader of reform, who recently pled guilty to eight counts of bribery by Russia to promote pro-Kremlin propaganda. Still, we can now add condescender-in-chief to Nigel's long list of other jobs. it turns out he's actually been doing it as a hobby for decades. Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth.

Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope. No. Right, moving on. There was also this iconic moment from Malala. I'm proud to be the first Pashtun, the first Pakistani. and the youngest person to receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Listen, love you trying up as a heart.

Take your Taliban assassination attempt-inspired activism and run along. There's a good girl. You're listening to The Naked Week in the week when Donald Trump flattened the east wing of the White House causing a storm of controversy and exposing at least one of Melania's escape tunnels. I'm joined once again by the Naked Week's chief investigator and observer Whitehall editor, Kat Neelan.

Cat, last time we all got very angry about Westminster lobbying. What's the plan for this series? Broadly, voter concerns. That is very broad. But, okay, what are voters' concerns this week? Well, according to Kemi Badnock, this. Labor promised not to increase income tax, not to increase national insurance,

and not to increase VAT. Does the Prime Minister still stand by his promises? Well, Mr. Speaker, I'm glad that the Leader of the opposition is now finally talking about their... I cannot take a house, Mr Speaker. Clearly not wanting to answer and breaking Labour's manifesto pledge of we promise he won't flail around like a directionless windsock.

Kat, has the Chancellor talked about tax rises? She's definitely been asked about it. Here's a testy little exchange from the world's least accurately titled Breakfast Show, Good Morning Britain. Can you rule out increasing VAT? What I'm saying to you is that... No, I've asked the question,

can you rule out increasing VAT? I know, but can you rule out increasing VAT? you rule is out. The manifesto stands, and it stands for a reason. Sorry, I just want to translate this. You will not increase VAT. The manifesto that we stood on stands, but I can't put it simpler than that. Sorry, the Chancellor, with respect, are you going to raise VAT? The problem is, Susanna, is that as soon as you answer one question, you'll move on to the next one. Yeah.

That is the problem with questions, Rachel. You know, interviews are like Pringles. Once you pop, you cannot stop. So, is that a no on a VAT increase? Well, here's a crazy idea, Andy. Forget increasing VAT. What the Chancellor could do is get companies to, you know, actually pay some. Okay.

Any companies in particular? Well, hypothetically, maybe the ones operating through a gigantic, all-powerful consumer bear moth run by a bald billionaire that sells everything and delivers it to your door in minutes. Which is? No, it's nothing to do with witches. Except...

Happy Halloween, everybody. Except, actually, for once, it is because it's the company you use if you suddenly decide you need a witch's costume at the last minute. So, Amazon? Spot on. Honestly, you can really buy anything there.

It's amazing. For this series, The Naked Week even bought its own Irish investigative journalist. Why Irish? Tax reasons. Say hello to Cormack. Hello, Cormac.

So, Cormac. Why are we looking at Amazon? Because according to a financial crime expert, we spoke to, there are, quote, thousands of companies using Amazon as a shopfront, while simultaneously avoiding VAT to the tune of hundreds of millions of pounds every year. Hundreds of millions of pounds. So roughly half what the Louvre spent on cardboard security guards. It's shocking.

We should point out, it's not just Amazon these companies use, but obviously that's by far the largest marketplace. I can almost sense the hand of the lawyer in the room. Kormack, how are these companies actually avoiding paying what they owe? I would assume it's incredibly complex. Nope. One easy way is for a company to dissolve itself, but then continue to trade anyway. And that makes it really hard for HMRC

because the company doesn't exist anymore in any real physical sense. So it's basically like the Conservative Party, but with the returns policy. There are over a quarter of a million of these companies on Amazon.com.uk. The Naked Week did a quick test. We searched Amazon for a common household item, a padlock.

And among the top 50 sellers of padlocks, we found two dissolved companies and another seven that hadn't filed their accounts properly. So while it's difficult for us to estimate exactly how much tax is going unpaid, the industry itself believes it could be around £700 million each year. That's a lot of padlocks. It's every centrist ad's must-have item. Yeah, you don't need to tell me, I've got 500. Got to keep that bike safe. But padlocks is just one example. Basically, these companies combined are costing roughly

half the amount Rachel Reeves could have generated from the winter fuel allowance changes she announced and then scrapped. And that's not the only way a company can dodge tax. Another option is to conveniently liquidate itself so it can't pay as creditors then magically resurrect under a new name, transferous assets and carry on as before. For an example of this in a company called Ascot City. Okay, so Ascot City, I'm presuming it sells horses.

No, they're too big for the Amazon drivers to throw over your fence. But actually, it sells pretty much everything else. Household items, car parts, clothes, just tons and tons of general stuff. Ascot City is the sixth, the largest sell, on Amazon UK, but it seems to have taken over the business of a dissolved company called Sourcing Map that hadn't paid VAT for years before it folded. The companies even have the same

home address. Which is where? Great question. We had a look on Google Maps and it appears to be a cat hotel on the first floor of a shopping centre in Hong Kong. So just to spell this out completely clearly, the UK's sixth biggest Amazon retailer is operating out of a pet daycare Centre 6,000 miles away for tax reasons, for no tax reasons. Yes. We asked Ascot City about this, and they replied, Dear customer, thank you for your letter. We're very sorry to tell you that we cannot meet your requirements. If you have any questions about our products and services, please feel free to reach out to us. Best regards, Ivy.

Feels like you did have questions about their products and services, and you did reach out to them. Okay, well done, Ivy. Kat, correct me if I'm wrong. Hasn't the government tried to crack down on this sort of thing? have. In 2021, Boris Johnson brought into law a bill that automatically charges VAT on Amazon sales made by international sellers. Okay, and I cannot believe I'm even suggesting this, but is it possible that Boris details Johnson wasn't totally successful in this endeavour? Here's what happened, Andy. Brace yourselves. Many overseas traders set up UK companies instead and paid random British citizens a few hundred quid to act as directors. Under

the new law, UK companies were still allowed to file their own VAT returns, so they weren't charge VAT automatically, making it far easier for them not to pay the tax at all. We did ask Amazon for a statement, and they asked that we read it in full. We're happy to do that, but it is quite long. So we've taken the liberty of speeding it up, which means that while they have got the statement in, it does sound like it's being read by chipmunk. We take this matter seriously and have investigated the sellers in question, of which two are overseas established sellers. Under online marketplace VAT collection rules introduced in 2021, we collect and remit VAT directly to HMRC on their behalf, while UK established sales.

are required to pay VAT directly to HMRC. We believe extending VAT collection rules to cover all sellers, both domestic and overseas, could raise up to 700 million more annually for the exchequer. I'm sure they won't have any problem with us doing that. So, Kat, just so we're clear, will the Chancellor try to offset some of that missing £700 million by increasing taxes? Yes or no? It's a simple question.

In the words of Rachel Reeves. The problem is that as soon as you answer one question, you'll move on to the next one. Don't forget it. Cadillian and a conachia, everybody. You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4. Still to come, BBC correspondent Sima Ketcher announced an investigation into the accuracy

of Paul McCartney's songwriting during his time in Wings. We just don't know if he was necessarily on the run. Hmm. And it's been a sad week for comedy with the loss of Prunella scales. But at least it was a chance to celebrate her wonderful life and her long and varied career. Unless, of course, you were the Today program. What better way to remember the late, great Prunella scales

than with a look back at some other legendary sibyls of history. Yes. Yes, let's remember her by simply listing people that aren't her. It's what she would have wanted. We've just got time to check back in and see who Nigel Farage is patronising now. I'm every moment Listen, love you trying ever so hard What a shack of calm

Now, this week, Reform MP, Sarah Pochin caused much wailing and gnashing of column inches When, during an appearance on talk TV, she said Drives me mad when I see adverts Full of black people, full of Asian people Full of them, full of them. First boats, now adverts, hey, Sarah? Hashtag stop the ads, that's what I say.

Now, it's fair to say, her comments have divided political opinion. For instance, there was this from Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp. It was racist, the way she said it. Yeah, it was the way she said it. I mean, that and the words. All of this comes amid the row over asylum hotels, of course, and dominating the headlines this week was the Select Committee report

estimating that the government is wasting in the region of £15 billion on asylum hotel accommodation. $15 billion. To give that figure some context, that is enough for Prince Andrew to pay off 1,200 Virginia Giffraise. It doesn't get better taste in case you're wondering, okay? Now, the report from this group of MPs found that...

The Home Office has wasted billions of pounds on hotels for asylum seekers through flawed contracts and incompetence. So where is this money actually going? Well, one of the providers is a company called Clear Springs. Now, since they got the contract in 2019, their profits have swollen from around £800,000 to last year, 91 million pounds. That's profit. That's not time over, that's profit.

Now, we should say in fairness, the other two firms providing asylum accommodation, Circo and Mears, have also posted record profits, which they claimed was just due to the whole company being terrific and not just home office contracts. At Serco, for example, also have lots of prison contracts, and I hear the prison system is going great. As a side note, Michelle Mone, If you are listening, if you'd only focused on giving asylum seekers food poisoning, rather

than giving NHS workers COVID, you might still have your peerage. I'm joking, I'm joking. It was never taken off her. Now, here at the Naked Week, we don't see flagrant profiteering. We see opportunity. Clearly, or clear springingly, there is a shed ton of money to be made in exploiting the most vulnerable, and we want in. So before this episode is out, the Naked Week will be opening our very own asylum

hotel, and we want to see if we can make even more profit and kind of. even more corners than the current crop of brazen opportunists. So, to help me out, please welcome the Naked Week's shameless profiteering correspondent, Bella Hull. Bella, you've been looking into this story. Is there a way that we can take even more money off the taxpayer than the current providers? Well, Andy, I'm pleased to say there is. Asylum hotels currently cost the government £145 per asylum seeker per night, but that does include meals. However, photos seen by the BBC show migrants being fed frozen, uncooked chicken, out-of-date food stuff, and in some cases, rotten fruit. Surely we can't do worse than that, Bella, that's appalling.

Actually, the naked week doesn't have to do worse than that to save the taxpayer money. Earlier today, I bought this multi-pack of Kit Katz. For £2.20 in Sainsbury's. 2 pounds 20 is way less than £145, according to Google. But it's technically still an improvement because these Kit Katz are actually in date and will make even more money if we snap the fingers in half. The Kit Kat fingers?

No, the residence fingers. They can't pick up the food then, they can't eat it, and that's just more profit for us. Darker than I was expecting, if I'm honest, Bella. Where else are asylum accommodation providers cutting corners and how can the Naked Week Asylum Hotel go even further? Hygiene is another one. There are reports from inside asylum hotels

of 24 people sharing one toilet with the contractors allocating one toilet roll per four residents per week. And that is particularly tricky if you're living on rotten fruit. Oh, yuck. Other reports have found that female asylum seekers are being given just seven sanitary towels per period.

Six, seven? No. Oh, sorry. And also, please don't interrupt me when I'm talking about periods. Sorry, right, got it. But hang on, seven sanitary towels. Isn't that...

Shocking, dehumanizing. and negligent. You might think so, but I see a marketing opportunity. Free bleeding is genuinely a huge movement on TikTok right now, so let's cut that seven down to zero and pretend it's for feminism. Rich list, here we come. And where are we going to put the Naked Week Asylum Hotel? Well, I did find an option in Windsor that looked pretty good. It's recently come up for lease. It's got more than 30 rooms. It's got more than 30 rooms. so could theoretically house several thousand people. And there are no concerns about vetting or paperwork

because given the current resident, we know they have no issues housing sex offenders. Legally speaking, I have to say, I have no idea what you mean. Legally speaking, neither do I. But what I do know is that the taxpayer is paying £145 per migrant per night for cramped accommodation

with 10 people to a room and feeding them gone off food. But if we pay woucher, just £89, each asylum seeker can have a spa weekend away, dinner in a champagne bar, and an hour in a Himalayan salt sauna.

89 pounds, that is quite a good deal. And if you run the maths, it would save the taxpayer about £6 billion. Okay, can you send me that waltrow link because it is my wedding anniversary on Thursday, Although, I know for a fact she's got me rotten fruit. Bella Hull, everybody!

There's lots of public anger about the asylum crisis, not least because a number of high-profile crimes have been committed by asylum seekers. It doesn't help that the government's solution was the classic, set them free by accident, then pay them 500 quid to go home method. And maybe you think the public shouldn't be registering its displeasure

in the form of riots and demonstrations outside these hotels, but we say, in fact, maybe we should. Should. But for different reasons. We need to protest against the fat cats. And that's why, in a radio first, we will now be orchestrating a riot live on air. We've checked with Offcom and they're fine with it, apparently. Yes, in protest at the asylum hotel fiasco, but against the money-grabbing companies who are running the hotels and not the residents themselves. Bella, is the Naked Weeks whipping up a baying mob correspondent. She joins me now. Bella, how do we go about organising a riot? Well, first up, Andy, we need attendees

and we're currently in a room with 150 seated audience members who look very much like an angry mob. Well, of course they're angry. Of course they're angry. They came here expecting the news quiz. Next, we need a slogan for the placards. You know, something memorable like Black Lives Matter,

we claim the streets, or auto glass repair, autoglass for a place. Yeah, okay. Memorable is key. And you've brought some placards for the protest, is that right? Yeah. Great, okay. So what have you got for the first one?

So this one, this one says no kings. Oh, good, yeah. And it was written by Prince Harry. Oh, lovely. Right. Very nice. Okay, what about that second one there? What's that's saying?

This one, it's catchy. This one says, send them back. And by them, I mean the executives of private sector companies. And by back, I mean to their palatial homes in Surrey. Snappy. All right, finally, we need an angry. chant. And maybe as it's your name next to that line, you should say that line

in the script. Sorry. And finally, we need an angry chant. Great idea, Bella. Great idea. No problem. To coin a phrase, we are the angry mob. We read the papers every day, although mostly for the Sudoku.

Right. Audience, we have a chant and we're not afraid to use it. Please, everyone, just follow my lead. Okay. I don't know, but I've been told. I don't know when I've been told. The hotel food is full of mould. The hotel food is full of mould. And for 145 quid a night.

And for 1445 quid a night. Your hotel rooms are completely shite. Your hotel rooms are completely shite. We're bringing this right up to your hotel door. We're bringing this right to your hotel door. But politely because it's Radio 4. But I'm not even because it's radio 4. Perfect.

Now, instead of throwing bricks, everyone just tut as loud as you possibly can. One, two, three. That was fantastic. If that doesn't bring the private sector to his knees, I don't know what will. Bella Hull, everybody. And that's it for this week from The Naked Week. Happy Halloween, everybody, and goodbye. The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray,

with guest correspondent Bella Hull, and the wrong kind of which we booked by mistake, Lisa Webb. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Gareth Carrick, Jason Haysley and James Cattle, with investigations team Cat Neeland, Cormacchio, and Friends. Ray Ashore. Additional material by Carl Minns, Cooper Mawainty Swirt, Ali Panting, Helen Brooks, Sophie Dixon, Kevin Smith, Joe Topping, Vivian Hotly Jones,

and David Griffin. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.