Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep1. War, Law, and Operation Amol Rajan.

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

The Naked Week team dive into war, flout the law and enjoy a real life Town Crier performing selected highlights from Amol Rajan's Instagram feed.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers an topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig James Kettle Jason HazeleyAdditional Material: Karl Minns Ali Panting Helen Brooks Pete Redfern Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt Joe ToppingInvestigations Team: Cat Neilan Emily ChannonGuests: Rachel Parris, Mark Stephens CBE, Alan Myatt.Production Team: Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, David Riffkin.Production Coordinator: Molly Punshon Assistant Producer: Katie Sayer Executive Producer: Philip AbramsProduced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is the interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life.

And all the bizarre ways people are using. the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Come to Mary, welcome to the naked week. Imagine the world that won if it had been driven into the ground by Brew Dog. Coming up on the Naked Week this week, Donald Trump explains Iran. When crazy people have nuclear weapons, bad things happen. Yeah. We know. That's why we're scared of you, Donald. At her deposition in New York, Hillary Clinton delivers the official flimsyest line of defense of all time. Do you have any idea if the Epstein referred to

is the Jeffrey Epstein? There's a lot of people named Epstein in this area. Yes, Hillary, but this one's in the yellow pages under pedophiles. Now, before we begin, on behalf of the BBC, we just want to say the Naked Week is very pleased to offer a very special welcome to all the people with Tourette's syndrome. We've invited along to this recording by way of an apology for the Bafter de Barclay.

All 56 of them arrived by coach this afternoon. They're in the front two rows near the microphones. And in fact, we're proud supporters of people with any kind of disability, so we're equally delighted to have two profoundly deaf sound engineers. They're just outside in the van. Everybody's very welcome. Until tomorrow when we'll have to apologize and say they weren't. Now, let's begin by wishing a very happy start of World War III to those who celebrate.

In June last year, the winner of the 2025, FIFA Peace Prize, Donald Trump, bombed Iran's nuclear sites. And in his words... As you know, their sites were obliterated. They're very evil nuclear sites. It would be years before they could ever get going. It's been obliterated.

So completely obliterated. In fact, obliterated for years. He's now gone back to obliterate them again. Just nine months later, with Operation Epic Fury, a codename that I imagine excites Trump beyond belief. And, if you'll pardon the phrase,

firmly puts the semi-automatic weapons. Now, the World War III naysayers would have you believe that the creator of the Board of Peace started this war for no reason, but we will not have that. No, sir. Firstly, on Saturday, the worthy holder of someone else's Nobel Peace Prize told the Washington Post that the reason was... Freedom for the Iranian people.

But then, the stopper of eight wars told NBC he'd started a war because the Iranians... We're not willing to stop their nuclear research. Two reasons, thank you. But then the man who, during his campaign rallies, told the American people he would end all foreign wars, told them he was starting a foreign war to... Defend them against threats from the Iranian regime. Yeah, see, critics? That's already three reasons.

So stick that in a uranium-enriching plant and smoke it. And finally, he told the New York Times he was bombing Iran to bring about regime change. What we did in Venezuela is the perfect scenario, he said, adding that he had some very good choices for new... Iranian leaders. But sadly the next time he mentioned these hopefuls to ABC a few hours later, he did have to admit... Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead. So it's off to a good start. By the way, it is technically possible to change a regime entirely using aerial bombardment in much the same way that it's technically possible to load a dishwasher from the other side of the kitchen.

Now, some people, by the way, are claiming that Donald Trump is only bombing Iran in a desperate attempt to make us all forget about the Epsom files. No, hang on. Something, Epping, Epsilon fires? Oh, it's worked. It's genuinely worked. The something files. What, oh, I remember now. Pido.

But it's okay, because here was U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, finally laying it out so everyone could understand. We knew that there was going to be in a... Israeli action. We knew that that would precipitate an attack against American forces. And we knew that if we didn't preemptively go after them before they launched those attacks, we would suffer higher casualties and perhaps even higher those killed. So, I hope you're following along there. America was simply preemptively defending itself against a retaliation that hadn't yet happened in response to an attack by Israel, which it was also participating in. So just in short, it was a joint post-pre- pre-emptive post-retaliatory pre-post-emptive strike.

Okay? When you put it like that, it's pretty clear. But let's not forget our own contribution to Operation Epstein Fury. This time when Britain was offered a... This time when Britain was offered a turn on the merry golf round, Kier Starrmer was not reading from the Tony Blair playbook. UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer blocked Donald Trump from using RAF bases to strike Iran. Showing us all how a man with integrity really.

copes in a crisis. Unless... The United States has requested permission to use British bases, we have taken the decision to accept this request. Oh, right. Okay. I mean, this is not Churchill that we're dealing with. Not even the one from the car insurance adverts. Isn't that right, Churchill? Oh, yes. Of course, the other cry that's gone up since Tehran began its

retaliation by firing missiles and drones at rich Arab states like Dubai is, will no one think of the influencers? You know, whatever the reason for starting this war, we should remember the real victims. Not the actual victims, the real victims, influences in Dubai, who, thanks to the frozen airspace, have found themselves marooned mid-Porter-potty party. I'm going to stop there because I'm not able, and nor do I want to explain in any detail on daytime radio.

for exactly what a Dubai Porter Potty party is. So what we'll do both for the audience here and you at home is give you a moment to Google it, and then we'll come back and pick up where we left off. There you go. And before you write in, there's actually a whole World Service documentary series about Dubai Porta Potty Parties, and you'll find that on BBC. Ugh. But over the last two decades, a huge number of the wealthiest individuals in the West

have migrated to Dubai for its favourable tax system, making for literally the least sympathetic victims of war. In the entirety of military history, these are possibly the only victims of US imperialism that Jeremy Corbyn would not bother to march for. Their whole awful predicament was summed up by this headline in The Daily Mail. I'm trapped in under attack in Dubai, while back home in Chichester, my daughters are furious,

the labradoodles are sick, and worst of all, I left my manjaro pen in the fridge. Oh, the humanity. But you can totally see why these people moved there in the first place. The sun, the sand, the appalling human rights record. And not having to pay tax in the UK. And now they just want to come home. Something which the rest of us have responded to with the same enthusiasm

as King Charleswood on being told his brother can make it for Christmas this year after all. Even Ed Davy, a red squirrel in the body of a man, thinks that there are a bunch of shysters. We rightly expect our bold. brave armed forces to protect British citizens around the world in crises like this. But that includes tax exiles and washed up old footballers. Said the washed up old paddle border. But the question remains, how are these people escaping their luxurious hellhole?

To find out, let's talk to the naked weeks. How are these people escaping their luxurious hellhole correspondent? It's Rachel Paris. Hi, I've spent all day on the Kent Coast watching the Dubai Refuge. make their way make their way towards the beach. Are we talking small boats here, Rachel? No, Andy, no small boats.

Just massive, massive super yachts. Stop the yachts? Sure. Are any charities getting involved? Absolutely. The Red Cross are dropping parcels containing Mungaro pens as...

Lest we forget, worst of all in the current global situation, one woman left hers in a fridge in Chichester. Rachel, do you suppose these people will now use their newly gained self-awareness and become more tolerant of other dispossessed people both here and

around the world? Sorry, Andy, you lost everyone from Dubai at the word self-awareness. Of course. Rachel Paris, thank you. Time now to allow you a place to relax. To step out of the hustle and bustle for just a moment, a space

to breathe and unwind. As we invite you once again to take a stroll in our quiet garden of current affairs contemplation. It's the news in haikus. Southeast water find millions of pounds. Boo-hoo, cry me a river. The news in haikus. You're listening to The Naked Week

in the week when Kemi Badenock described Labor MPs as goons. She's unfamiliar with radio comedy where the Goons were a motley crew of laughable characters. No, hang on, she's got it. She's absolutely done. And speaking of Goons, it's time once again to welcome the lovable Harry Seacom to my disturbed Spike Milligan. It's the Naked Week's chief investigative journalist

and observer Whitehall editor, Cat Neelan. First question, Andy. Have you watched Scream? It's called The News Cat and I scream at it every day. We all do. But there's a new Scream film out. You remember Scream? Teenage Slash a Mayhem, Knife, Killer in a Ghostface? mask?

Genuinely, I don't. Mummy wouldn't let me watch anything that wasn't either written by Richard Curtis or narrated by Bernard Cribbins. Okay, and this is relevant because... Because, Andy, the return of ghost face coincides perfectly with the Naked Week's latest investigation. Which is?

No, it's nothing to do with witches. It's about ghosts. But specifically it's about the rise of so-called ghost plates. Okay, so these are illegal vehicle number plates? The term illegal can be debated. Okay, nothing yahoo. But they're certainly dodgy. But they are certainly dodgy.

Strictly speaking, there are two different types. Clone plates, which are the copies of ones already in circulation, and stealth plates, which can't be read by traffic cameras. So a speeding offence or a congestion charge for a vehicle with clone plates would be redirected to the innocent owner of the original, whereas one with stealth plates wouldn't be detected at all. Okay, and I'm guessing that if you are a cash-strapped council, you would really like people to be paying those fines.

Correct. A recent report by a parliamentary group estimated that ghost plates were depriving local authorities of a staggering amount of money. How staggering are we talking? Are we saying accidentally stubbed your toe staggering? Or are we saying spotted Nigel Faraging, clacked and staggering? It's a nationwide problem, but in London alone, unpaid congestion charge fines

are thought to be around £900 million a year. 900 million pounds a year. That is more than Fergie spends on silencing her own conscience. Add to that roughly half a billion pounds in unpaid charges for the Dartford crossing and you start to get some idea of the scale of the problem. The report found that an estimated one in 15 vehicles in the UK has a ghost plate to dodge cameras. I guess they didn't have one on that car that was carrying Andrew then. And some of these plates are facilitating some truly horrendous criminal activity.

The Naked Week has spoken to sources in the police, in trading standards and the DVLA, who told us that stealth plate users are involved in smuggling drugs and weapons, sexual assault and people trafficking. Okay, and just to be clear, are there specific examples of crimes that we know involve fake plates? Sadly, yes. Four years ago, a 21-year-old was stabbed by four men in Slough in a premeditated attack. One of the men was found to have ordered three different plates for a stolen car that was used in the attack. And these were ghost plates?

They were cloned, but when Thames Valley Police investigated the supplier, they found that he had made dozens and dozens of ghost plates too. Okay, and this supplier was... A man named Mohamed Wakas Akhtar, operating under the trade name, Perfect Plates Online. Perfect plates. That is the most misleading title since Shadow Chancellor Robert Jenrick. Please tell me Mr. Akhtar was charged with something. He was. He was found guilty of four offences under the Vehicles Crime Act. He was fined and banned from supplying plates for five years. Only five years.

I've been on podcasts longer than that. Presumably, though, this guy's dodgy plate company was completely off-grid and unregistered. It was actually a fully registered, DVLA-approved, legitimate business, even though the product it was selling was, in many cases, totally illegal. Okay, but hang on, what about industry regulation? Well... That can't have let us down again. That is the issue.

The system is basically completely out of control. The Naked Week's investigation found that the total number of outlets in the UK selling licence plates is more than 45,000. 45,000. Okay, that sounds big, but Kat, can you please just put it in terms that any British person can understand? Sure. It means there are roughly 17 times more licence plate suppliers in the UK than there are branches of Greggs. Yeah. What a patriotically heart-stopping statistic, Kat. It sounds like the DVLA is struggling to effectively police this many registered supply. Can't they at least strike off suspect operators? Yes, but it is both difficult and time-consuming.

Securing a court order can take months, during which time suppliers can keep trading. Sources told us about one that provided dodgy plates for at least eight vehicles linked to organised crime, which is still on the DVLA's approved list more than six weeks after being reported. And that got us thinking. Thought it might?

We wanted to know exactly how easy it was to buy a dodgy plate. So to find out, we tried to buy one from an online supplier, and here it is. Okay. I'll show you all. The audience at home, this says N4KED, which looks like the word naked.

This show is called the Naked Week. Keep up. Okay. And what did you do to prove to the supplier that we are the legal owner of this registration? We ticked a box

to say that we are the legal owner of this registration. Is that it? That's it. Even though we very much are not. Correct. Okay. I'm glad this is as fool proof

as every other aspect of the British state. Okay, well, apologies if you are the actual owner of the number plate N4KED, although let's be honest, there's a reasonable chance it's Mandelson. Whoever you are, please get in touch. We will gladly sell you this one, and to sweeten the deal, we'll throw in Chris Mason. Kat, this is amazing.

I mean, this really does look like a 100% legitimate licence plate. We contacted the DVLA about our investigation, and they told us... The law requires number plate suppliers to be properly registered with DVLA and they must only supply number plates according to the legal requirements. DVLA works with police and trading standards to enforce these laws and we will investigate any reports of suppliers failing to comply with the law. So that's all right then. Very much sterling work.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kat Neeler. Actually, Andy, there's more. Do we need to call a lawyer? Possibly. Because seeing as how spectacularly some might say alarmingly, irresponsibly easy it is to become a supplier of dodgy plates, The Naked Week decided to become one ourselves. Genuinely. A hundred percent.

We've applied to the DVLA, ticked the minimal boxes and have set up a website. We haven't. We have. We've given it the catchy name. So you can right now go to www. The Naked Week numberplatecriminalenterprise.com. Order a dodgy plate from us.

We're in business. It really is that easy. We'll see you in court in. about 10 years' time. Ladies and gentlemen, Cat, Weeland, Deeland, Neeland. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show?

From the BBC, this is the interface, the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life. and all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts. You're listening to The Naked Week on BBC Radio 4.

Still to come, the Prime Minister reveals how he uses a bus stop. I stand by it. Good advice. Also on the way, US War Secretary Pete Hexeth tells his boiled egg what his soldiers are made of. They are toast and they know it. In keeping with US strategy, he attempted to shell the egg and accidentally blew up a school lunchbox instead. Now, it's been a few months since the Naked Week was on the air,

and a lot has happened. Not least, war in the Middle East and the return of low-rise jeans. Hello, 2003. But the most truly seismic event of 2026 so far came from the today program's Alpha Dog, Amol Rajan. Okay, so the rumours are true. The rumours are true. I'm leaving.

I'm leaving BBC News. No! Why Amol? Was it you that got too big or the headlines that got too small? With this fear not Amal addicts, the Rajan Bull is ready to conquer the world via the medium of Instagram.

I'm serious. If you haven't seen Amal Rajan's Instagram feed, you're missing one of the 21st century's truly great performance art projects. A relentless deluge of sharp suits, sunglasses, blue steel poses, Jim Bro banter and weapons grade humble bragging. Here's a quick example from a couple of weeks ago.

Sounds mad, but I'm trying to. to appreciate every aspect of life, including the 3.45am commute. Aviators on, tunes blaring, big yo to the security guys. After nearly five years, I think I've got this routine sorted, even if the sleep isn't. Alarm clock emoji. Life is wonderful. Heart emoji, microphone emoji. Yeah. I remember my first paper round. Aviators on, by the way, in the middle of the night. And it goes on like that day after day, spreading the gospel of Rajan to his 134,000. followers. The point is, Amol's got a message to convey and we want to help him convey it. We have decided to go old school and to help us with this very important task.

Please welcome to perform selected highlights from Amal Rajan's Instagram feed, the Guinness World Record holder for the loudest ever town crier all the way from Gloucester. It's Alan Mayert. A beautiful run. Smashed my Peebee and did loads of kettlebell disciplines. This wonderful mojee! Tent hashtag life is wonderful. Monetized rustity from people.

It's wonderful. Moji. Micro Rocket. Instagram feed there, represented by a massive bell. Now, a lot has happened while the naked week's been away. I say a lot has happened, really, it's just been the Labour Party in the BBC, taking it in turns to fall on their own arces like a broken Swiss cuckoo clock of institutional incompetence. However, we did.

did get to witness both Prince Andrew, to give him his official title, not Prince Andrew, and Peter Mandelson being arrested, and Russell Brand making a court appearance dressed as Jesus. But if Jesus had only recently somewhat suspiciously found Christianity. To be clear, that's Russell Brand, who you might remember from such programs as most of Channel 4's output in the early naughties, and also from the exact same Channel 4's dispatches in plain sight. Now, as broadcasters, we're quite constrained in what we can say about Andy, Mandy and Russell Brandy due to rules surrounding contempt of court.

Now, for a start, Andy and Mandy are under active investigation. That's opposed to a passive investigation, which is like passive smoking when you're not the one under investigation, but you still suffer all the negative effects, much like Holly did with Phil. Now, what we certainly can't do is express. any opinion about any of these matters. You've got as much chance of getting away with that on the BBC as you have of shouting, free Palestine! And we'll see if that stays in the edit.

So current circumstances have put us at The Naked Week in a bit of a tricky pickle. A tricky pickle, of course, just one of the many strippers Bill Gates allegedly slept with, according to the Epstein files. The question is, how much can we discuss around the simple facts that Andy and Mandy have been arrested? We'll leave Brandy out. We don't want to get the booky work thrown at us.

But if we're going to do this, we're going to need some proper advice. What are we allowed to say or not say as things stand? And if we do say the wrong thing, could we end up being someone cellmate? To quote the IDF, what a minefield. To help us out, please welcome top solicitor Mark Stevens, CBE. Welcome to the show, Mark. I should ask before we start, is this all on the clock? Absolutely.

I'm billing every breath and I'm dragging it out. Okay. Well, just charge it to the corporation and we'll say the outgoing Director General okayed it. Now, I think people find the rules confusing because obviously Andy and Mandy haven't been charged but anything we say could still influence any future jury. Is that correct?

Exactly. Think of English contempt like it's the world's strictest school disco. You're allowed to dance but only two feet apart. facing away and thinking pure thoughts about legal procedure. And any flirting with an opinion, and the head teacher blows a whistle. Okay, okay. Well, the cases that we're dealing with are very specifically about misconduct in public office.

On that basis, would we be okay if we just got stuck into the noncing? I'd strongly advise. You're not to go anywhere near that sentence, legally, morally, or even geographically. Okay, okay. We'll try it a different way. So what if we didn't comment on his alleged misconduct in public office at all? What if we just said really simply something incredibly basic? Like, I think Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is a paedophile. That would be libel, content and possibly a cry for help.

And thank you, Andy. That sentence alone would fund all three of my children's educations. Okay. And I'm happy to correct the record. Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is absolutely not a paedophile. Can we say anything? Don't laugh. That undercuts the whole thing.

Am I right in thinking? The important thing is not to prejudice public opinion against either not Prince Andrew or Peter Mandelson. And in both cases, isn't that closing the stable door after the horses decided that these two are bastards? Contempt law still wants the stable door shut, bolted, alarmed, and guarded by a barrister. Usually it with a clipboard.

Okay. Well, let's now do some specific scenarios. What if I got a busker to stand outside the courtroom singing the Barbara Streisand and Berrygib hit, Guilty? That's contempt with a guitar. Okay. Okay. What if I got a second busker to stand outside singing not guilty by George Harrison at the same time? That's contempt with a two-part harmony.

Okay. All right, finally, just one last question while we have you. What would happen if, I'm asking on behalf of a friend, what would happen if my friend had a Friday night comedy on Radio 4 and used it as a front for a business selling dodgy car number plates? How long a stretch is he or she looking at? Your friend is looking at a holiday that he or she didn't book. It'll be all inclusive and it'll have bars on the windows.

Great fun, everybody. That's it this week from The Naked Week. Goodbye. The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray with guest correspondent Rachel Parris and guest solicitor Mark Stephen CBE and Town Cryer Alan Mayett. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Gareth Carrick, Jason Hathley and James Cattle with Investigations team Kat Neelan and Emily Chanon. Additional material by Carl Minz, Ali Panting,

Helen Brooks, Pete Redfern, Cooper Mawinney Swirt, Joe Topping and David Riskin. Oh yeah! The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes. It's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4. This is not the future we were promised. Like, how about that for a tagline for the show? From the BBC, this is The Interface,

the show that explores how tech is rewiring your week and your world. This isn't about quarterly earnings or about tech reviews. It's about what technology is actually doing to your work and your politics, your everyday life. And all the bizarre ways people are using the internet. Listen on BBC.com or wherever you get your podcasts.