Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep2. The Naked Week team party like it's the 2003 Iraq War.

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

The Naked Week team party like it's the 2003 Iraq War, and then re-enact it with the help of a Viking.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers an topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig James Kettle Jason HazeleyAdditional Material: Karl Minns Ali Panting Helen Brooks Pete Redfern Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt Joe Topping Darren PhillipsInvestigation: Cat NeilanGuests: Rosie Holt, Jimmy The 11th Century Welsh Viking.Production Team: Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, David Riffkin.Production Coordinator: Molly Punshon Assistant Producer: Katie Sayer Executive Producer: Philip AbramsProduced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4

Welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine John Craven's news round trying to navigate the Strait of Hormuz in a pedolo. Coming up on the Naked Week this week, with very little known about Iran's newly selected Supreme Leader, Rory Stewart reckons he could be Russell Crow. This is Hamini, and he is the son of a murdered father. He's the husband of a wife who's been killed.

And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next. Entertained? Of course not. It's Rory Stewart. And Nigel Farage celebrates International Women's Day with... A picture of a beaver. Looking forward to seeing that on the new tenor. Now, first of all, let us all take a moment to appreciate Donald's trumpeting of some of the most, even by his standards, incoherent statements ever to grace a presidential podium. We've already won in many ways, but we haven't won enough.

Ah. We haven't won enough. The cry of every first... prize winner on Bullseye. But what's he saying? It's done and dusted, but there might be a bit more to come yet. It's very much the middle-aged man going for a wee, and then optimistically zipping up his flies of victories. Then on Tuesday, the Today program reported him saying,

The war in Iran is pretty much complete. Great, great news. It's totally over, like Ug Boots or David Williams' career. Except... Except grimly, it also seems to be still... much like Uggboots or David Walleems' career. But hang on, it can't be over because Pete Hexeth, Trump's Sancho Panza, emphasis on Panzer, also said this this week.

This is only just the beginning. It's only just the beginning. But hopefully soon we'll be around the middle of the start and then we'll stride ever onwards to the finish of the outset, as Churchill once said. At least when a journalist picked Trump up on this contradiction, the president was very clear. Mr. President, you've said the war is, quote, very complete, but you're just saying, The defense secretary says, this is just the beginning. So which is it? I think you can say it both.

Both. It's beginning and ending at the same time. Whose war is this? Trump's or Schrodinger's. But then, pressed on what's currently happening with casualties on the ground, things got really confusing. All of the people that died are right now walking around with no legs. Take a pardon? The people that died are walking around with no legs.

It's like we're dealing with a man to whom both logic and language are a stranger, a fact which I would say was undisputed. Wouldn't you, Donald? Undisputed. It's just... Never mind. Never mind. But what is undisput...

Certainly by experts is the missile that killed over 100 Iranian schoolgirls last week was an American one. So obviously, when this was put to him, he said he'd blamed Iran because... I just don't know enough about it. No shit, Donald.

Like when you said on Tuesday, your reason... for starting this war in the first place was... Because they would have had a nuclear weapon within a matter of weeks. Hmm. That does seem strangely familiar, doesn't it? There is no doubt that Deraq poses a threat in respect to weapons of mass destruction. Ah, a trip down misery lane.

I can't remember exactly how that one turned out. I'm sure it was fine in the end. But at least Tony Blair said it was based on intelligence. Donald? Based on what? Steve and Jared and Pete were telling me I thought that they were going to attack us. Trump went to war. based on advice from a former Fox News presenter,

an estate agent, and his son-in-law. Of course, it's no surprise that all this wargaming is playing havoc with trade. The other big story this week has been the price of oil. It is topped $100 a barrel, although, frankly, I don't know why everyone is making such a fuss. I pay far more than that in Waitrose for extra virgin Pirello. Caroline Levitt, the White House Depressed Secretary,

told reporters that, This operation will result in lower gas prices in the long term. Yes, much as in the long term, Genghis Khan was successful in reducing the cost of rice. Just to illustrate how bad things are, on Tuesday, Vladimir Putin, very much yesterday's warmonger, called for a de-escalation in hostilities. Something which is right up there with Andrew Tate wishing you happy international women's day. Or Timothy Shalamey recommending you go and see Swan Lake. You would think, after last time, the main legacy of the Iraq war,

certainly here, would be people desperately wanting to keep us out of this kind of conflict. Instead, we are getting people across Westminster and the press ramping up the rhetoric. Everyone seemingly wants to blast on in their gung-ho and party like it's 2003. So, here to fill us in on the details, it's our blasting on in there gung-ho and partying like its 2003 correspondent is Rosie Holt. Thank you, Andy. We've all gone 2003 crazy. Let's spin us some white stripes, rock down to the movies to see Finding Nemo, and vote in the Tory leadership contest to remove Ian Duncan Smith.

Yes! That's the last we'll see of that, prick. Rosie, you're really getting into the 2003 spirit. Yes, those were the first three things I found on Wikipedia. But everyone wants to turn the clock back. Look at Kemi Badenock. Must we? She's well up for war

She could be standing firm with Stama saying Let's not rush in Well that would be the patriotic thing to do Yes if you spell patriotic P-U-S-S-Y Instead she said this Kier-Starmer is too scared To make foreign interventions

Then she genuinely followed it up By having her photo taken Riding in a tank Ah that is the classic Tory leader trick They love a tank Thatcher was photographed in a tank John Major went in a tank, Liz Truss, tanked the economy. Yes, but Kemi's not the only one who's mad for a 2003 rerun.

Here's Nigel Farage. Would I support military action against the IRGC, the Revolutionary Guard on the ground in Iran, absolutely 100%. Yes, firm stance, unwavering. Except then, of course, once he'd had a little while to think about it. We cannot get involved directly in another foreign war. Unless it's with the EU. Okay.

What about people on the left, Rosie? Well, there's Tony Blair. I think you misheard my question. Well, Andy, despite well everything, Tony Blair thinks Stama should join the Iran invasion. This is what he told a private event. We should have backed America from the very beginning. If they are your ally, you had better show up.

Andy, just like the people who invented BBC sounds. He believes if you persist with your mistakes long enough, Eventually, people will just sigh and accept it. That's very, very unfair, Rosie. Tony Blair committed far fewer crimes against humanity. And finally, there's Zara Sultanah, who managed to find some time in between fighting back against her unjust oppression by the man... Jeremy Corbyn.

To bring us her take. She doesn't want to go back to 2003 because she says Kirstarmer's already taken us there. He has not learnt the lessons from 2003 that when we get involved, In the US's illegal wars, there are consequences for the rest of the world to pay. All she wants is to be the one uniting the left against a warmongering labour leader. To pretend it's 2003 again, back when Zach Polanski was just a glint in a Lucenza brafit his eye.

Haunting image. Thank you, Rosie. Now, as you know, we at The Naked Week like to help. And since British politicians and papers seem so interested in turning the clock back to 2003, we thought we would remind them how awful it was. What we need right now is a historical reenactment. So to help us out, please welcome to reenact in detail the 2003-Iraq War, professional historical reenacter Jimmy the Welsh Viking. Jimmy, you're going to help us reenact 2003 in order to appease war-hungry British politicians.

Can't help but notice you are not dressed for 2003, given that you are dressed as a Viking. Sorry about that, Andy. my 2003 desert warfare outfits in the wash. For listeners at home, Jimmy is dressed as an 11th century marauder. Jimmy, how should we go about reenacting 2003? Rosie's going to help us out with this, actually. Hang on, Rosie, war is no place for women. You should be popping out babies or manufacturing thing me bobs.

What is going on? Sorry, I'm sorry, what is going on here? This is not fighting. Rosie, you and Jimmy are just patting buckets and spades. What's happening? This is a 2003 reenactment of the West digging for all. Oil, Andy. Okay, very good. Andy, where have we seen that before? Sorry, can you give that water bottle back, please.

What's that? No, Kandu, sorry, Andy. This is a 2003 reenactment of a sad British PM at the time, sucking up to him an American president. Okay, well, thank God. I heard sucking, I thought the worst. Okay, right.

Jimmy, the Viking, what are you doing now? Well, it's obvious, isn't it? You're holding your nose. The unmistakable presence of Tony Blair. I understand very good. And the peace de resistance. Look over there! Okay, listeners at home are our historical reenactment

seemed to consist of pointing at something over there and stamping their feet. I cannot understand why. Any guesses? Caulving a distraction. Got it one. Distracting from the Epstein files. Hang on. Hang on.

I'm pretty sure that Tony Blair isn't tied to the Epstein. Jeffrey Epstein boasted of close ties to Tony Blair after they met in 2002 in a meeting arranged by Peter Mandelson. Oh, terrific. Lovely. We're going to be home and The Naked Week historical reallangment society, everybody. This is The Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time once again for us all to take a reflective stroll through the soothing syllables that grow in our garden of current affairs contemplation. It's the news in haikus.

Navy ship sets sail, way too late for war, HM S, dragon its heels. The News in Hikus This is the Naked Week In the week that Iran announced its new Ayatollah May I say, how can they rustle up a new Ayatollah in a few hours And we still don't have a new James Bond And speaking of 007, please welcome the Miss Moneypenny to my pussy galore It's the Naked Week's chief investigative reporter

And Observer Whitehall editor, Kat Neeland. Have you ever been in a fight? I mean, do I look like I've ever been in a fight? You look like you could be used in a fight In lieu of a convenient ball queue But you know what's actually useful in a fight? Glasgowian with a box of cheap vapes Something called an ombudsman

Oh, a lovely word, ombudsman, so pleasing to say As it turns out, rather less pleasing to investigate Many areas of public life have an ombudsman It's an independent impartial body that settles disputes for businesses and individuals They represent all of us And which ombudsman are we interested in today? One of the big ones, the financial

Ombudsman service or FOS. Okay, so if you are an ordinary member of the public battling a big bank, FOS will be an unbiased referee. Yeah, that's its job. And would you like to hear from some of this ombudsman's satisfied customers? Is the Pope of Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Amol Raja enjoyed last week's show?

One recent online review of FOS said it was... As much use as a chocolate teapot. Okay, cliche but heartfelt. Any more details? Sure. How about... Either this organisation is full of incompetent people or is itself a scam? Hmm. I think it was also Tim Davies's resignation letter.

Kat, why is the financial ombudsman getting such a kicking? Because there's evidence that this independent, impartial body maybe isn't so independent or impartial after all. The Naked Week has been investigating a case that started back in 2019 in which more than 100 people invested large amounts of money, some of them six-figure sums, through something called accumulate capital. Which is? No, it's nothing to do with witches.

In theory, they were. were putting their money into a property development scheme, but in reality it was a scam. Basically, they raised 10 times more money than they said they needed and then went into administration. And when investors found out, many tried to get compensation from their bank. Okay, so presumably banks should honour that type of request? For this kind of scam, absolutely, unless a customer has been what they term grossly negligent. Ah, grossly negligent. Also the name of the horse I backed in the Cheltenham Gold Cup. So what happened with all these claims? Did the banks honour them? Yes and no, but mainly no. Banks were telling one customer that they had been scammed, while at the same time telling several others that they hadn't. Overall, just 15 out of more than 100 payments were actually issued, and by mid-20203, they had stopped completely, leaving the vast majority of claimants with nothing.

Okay, so these are people who genuinely have been scammed and their banks are just washing their hands of the whole thing as much as they possibly can do. Okay, did the point when the bank stopped compensating their customers coincide with the point when they realised how much it was going to cost them? For reasons of lawyer, Andy, I will say, I have no idea. No, me neither, aren't hypotheticals fun. But, okay, when does the ombudsman turn up in the Surrey saga? Also in mid-20203, when it upheld a complaint made by a man named Will Collins and a group of over 70 of his fellow investors, Fos then told the banks they had to pay out.

Great, three ombuds cheers for the ombudsman. And six months later, Foss suddenly backtracked and said that no compensation should be paid out after all. Why? Great question. And the Naked Week may have uncovered a possible answer. We've seen confidential emails about Will Collins sent by his bank, HSBC, to the Ombudsman. It appears the bank was secretly gathering information on Collins, perhaps in order to claim that he should have known better than to fall for the scam, thus getting them off the hook. By the way, Andy, according to the Who We Are page on HSBC's website, create value for our customers and investors by always moving forward and making things happen.

Oh, not by blaming them and then spying on them. That's probably in the small print. Okay. So this sounds like a supposedly independent body, FOS, going back on a decision after one of Britain's largest banks essentially lobbied them by trying to smear acclaimant. What a grim story. Amazingly, it gets worse. The Naked Week has seen communications to the ombudsman by banking industry lobbyists expressing concern about the quote, high risk of over reimbursement in complex scams. Yeah, we can't have people being overreimbursed for being scammed. That wouldn't do at all. Okay, but if all this started way back in 2019, what has changed? Why bring it up now? Because in October last year, the ombudsman U-turned on its previous U-turn,

a spectacular high-risk manoeuvre known as the double-starmer. Guess what? It turns out that maybe they'd been right the first time and the banks really did have to pay out. Honestly, swear to God, we really mean it now, definitely for realseys. Okay. So until then, the ombudsman had spent years being, what was it again? As much use as a chocolate teapot. Right. But at least things worked out in the end?

Not exactly. And this is why it's right that FOS, in fact all ombudsmen, should be scrutinised because both their actions and inactions can have devastating consequences. To be clear, not all the victims of this scam were wealthy. We've spoken to a couple who wanted to create a nest egg for their children, but ended up having to borrow money from them. One woman was forced to take out a high-interest loan for her mortgage after being threatened by her bank.

Don't tell me... Yeah, the same bank that she was seeking compensation from for being scammed. And worst of all, six people have died whilst waiting for their money to be paid out. That's how depressingly long this has taken. It's genuinely horrendous. But, okay, as an absolute bare minimum, lowest of low expectations, have all the investors now finally had their claims approved? Of course not.

Some people still don't even know if they will be compensated, even though the ruling applies to all investors, as Will Collins himself told the Naked Week. This case is part of an ongoing battle to ensure that victims of investment fraud are treated in the same way as victims of other types of fraud. Meanwhile, HSBC said, following the financial ombudsman's final decision, we're in the process of individually reviewing the cases of impacted customers and reimbursing these customers where appropriate in line with the ruling. And finally, the ombudsman itself told us, These cases are now being resolved and we are working closely with the consumers and businesses to keep them updated. Ultimately, it's not our role to prosecute fraud. It's to decide if a bank should be held liable for an investor's losses.

Yeah, but they will probably change their minds and retract that and then change their minds again later and retract the retraction. And legally, Radio 4 wants us to say that double-starmers are extremely dangerous and should only be performed by highly trained ombudsmen and or unpopular prime ministers. We accept no responsibility just like them. Cat Neeland, everybody! You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4.

Still to come. In another embarrassing error of BBC judgment, there's regret after C. Beebe's book James O'Brien to read the bedtime story of Pinocchio. So he lies and then he lies again, and then he lies again, and then members of his regime tell different lies or occasionally tell the truth, but he undoes the truth by telling the lie. Suddenly nobody knows what's what.

Nobody knows whether up is down, black is white, freedom is slavery, or ignorance is strength. Sweet dreams, children. Also, Nick Clegg reveals the reason he's going blind. It's been fiddled with constantly. And Benjamin Netanyahu has praised his armed forces as a fleet of 80 fighter jets struck targets in Tehran in an operation code named... He's still standing.

Although not for any of his alleged crimes. So, Wednesday saw the government release a stack of documents covering the decline and fall of Peter Mandelson. Crucially, though, this was only... Volume 1 of the Mandelson Papers, or, as the Naked Week prefers to call them, the Peter Files. Volume 1 of, who knows

how many. Good news, the Naked Week has been given an exclusive preview of the next installment, The Mandy Files Volume 2. I say given, but really, we nicked it. True story. We saw Shabana Mahmood carrying an advance copy. We shouted, look, a legal protest,

and she dropped it in fright and ran away. Anyway, we have acquired it, and Rosie Holt and I are going to have have a quick look to see what's in there. So, Rosie. Okay, here's an email from Peter Mandelson to West Streeting. Dear Wes, just saw you on TV denying you were plotting against Kear, lull. P.S., thanks for backing that massive NHS contract awarded to the company that employed my lobbying firm.

You demand. Oh, that's lovely. Lovely. This one is written on House of Lords Stationery. It says, Dear Peter, your behaviour. is a disgrace, and you should be stripped of your peerage. And that is from Baroness Michelle Mohn. Finally, this is very exciting.

This is a Naked Week exclusive. This is the actual letter that Peter Madelson wrote when he resigned from the Labour Party last month, and it is genuinely very moving. It says... I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. Also, Geoffrey Epstein, lots and lots and lots of times.

All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Unless the Americans release millions of pages of emails and everyone sees all the stuff I've been up to. Whoa, boy, that could really bals everything up. Time to die. Just like Geoffrey didn't really. Another exclusive. So there you go.

The Mandy Files. The truth is out there, especially if you happen to hear Radio 4's PM on Wednesday. It's at the process around the appointment of Geoffrey Epstein. Forgive me of Peter Mandelson. An easy mistake to make. I mean, have any of us ever seen them in the same room? Apart from all the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of photos of them in the same room?

Thank you very much, Geoffrey. Peter, Rosie! Now, this week, Nigel Farage wanted to make one thing very clear. Never once. Never once. Never once. Never once. Do we promise we cut council tasks. Never once. Never once. Never. have never said they will cut council tax. Apart from

the Reform Party UK's main ex-account where on the 9th of April last year, they posted... Meet Stillion Petrov, our candidate for Lapworth and West Kenilworth. He's ready to fix his local area by cutting wasteful spending, lowering council tax, and ensuring proper funding

for key public services. Yeah. And in this campaign video from Darren Selkis, reform candidate for Hertfordshire County Council, we're going to first freeze those local taxes. so that they don't go up year on year. And then after the first year, we're going to start reducing them. Okay, look, that's all very well.

But nowhere, says Nigel, did they say they were going to start reducing them. And he was even more sure about that when Beth Rigby asked him about his candidate's promises on Sky News. Your candidates did, they haven't. No, no, no. No, no. Our literature... I'll check what the people in Kent said because they're putting it up. Don't check what the people of Kent said.

It'll either be about hops or about how Margate's got a bit up itself. But, by the time he spoke to ITV a bit later, Nigel had changed tactics. Cutting taxes can mean not putting them up as much, I suppose. Cutting council taxes can mean not putting them up as much, I suppose. Yes, yes. In much the same way that having only a bit of your leg amputated is sort of like growing a new leg, I suppose. But what with Nigel?

blurring the lines between the truth and reality over council tax, Trump saying the war with Iran is simultaneously over and just getting going, baby! You could be forgiven for thinking that we are living in a golden age of because I said so. These days reality is what you say it is. We're all on a downward slope

of sucking up whatever nonsense you've been told that can only end with you literally becoming Chris Mason. Nigel Farage tried it again recently by announcing a shadow cabinet that isn't the shadow cabinet Shadow Chancellor is Robert Jenrick. No, it's not.

It's Mel Stride. Because His Majesty's opposition is decided by the Speaker of the House, not the MP for Clacton on Now You See Me, Now You Don't. It's not Robert Jenrick, because reform aren't the official opposition on account of the Tories winning more seats, and we live in a democracy. And by the way, this is recorded on Thursday night. Apologies, if by the time you hear this,

we're not living in a democracy. And if that is the case, All hail supreme leader Ed Davy. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? But all of this got us thinking, can you really just assert something it isn't true, dig your heels in, and force people to accept it as real?

Well, let's find out, because joining me now is the naked weeks asserting something it isn't true, digging our heels in, and forcing people to accept it as real correspondent. It's Rosie Holt. No, Andy. I'm Laura Koontzberg.

I beg your pardon. I am. No, you're not. You can tell I'm a Scottish accent, new. I don't know what that is, but it is not a Scottish accent. If I say it is, it is. That's how you get on in the modern world, Andy. You have to tell it like it is, which is telling it like it isn't.

So people think how it isn't is how it is. Yeah, okay, but, Rosie. Laura. Laura. I cannot just say something. isn't true and expect that to become reality. Yes, we can. For instance, you're not listening to The Naked Week anymore.

You're listening to Radio 4's afternoon drama. Laura, Rosie, we cannot just say we're an afternoon drama. Can't we, though? See it? Say it. Prove it. We don't sound anything like an afternoon drama. Oh, don't we? The Week That Was Naked by Alan Playwright.

I say, darling, this war in Iran's a bit depressing, isn't it? I should say so, darling. And I'm just reading in the newspaper, which I left under my crisps, about this terrible fire in Glasgow. Anything else in the paper, darling? Yes, uh, yes, lots. Nick Clegg says student loans are a rip-off, England lost to Italy in the rugby, and called the midwife finished.

Lots of stories, in fact, we didn't have time to get in anywhere else in the show. Oh darling, I just wish with all my heart that we could find something funny to say about it all. Yes, everything just feels so bleak. The week almost feels naked. I wonder what's on the radio. Oh, it'll just be some piss week rip-off of the now show. The week that was naked was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with guest correspondent Rosie Holt and Jimmy the 11th century Viking.

It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Gareth Carrick, and Hazley and James Cattle with investigation from Cat Neelan. Additional material by Carl Mins, Ali Panting, Helen Brooks, Joe Topping, Cooper Moini Swirt, Pete Redfern, Darren Phillips and David Rifkin. Afternoon Drama Sound Design by Alan Sound Design. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4!