Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep3. Shipping, Shopping, and Shagg...you know what, never mind.

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

The team launch the Naked Week Investment Portfolio for Hard Done-By Young People and go shipping, shopping and shagg...you know what, never mind.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers a topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig James Kettle Jason HazeleyAdditional Material: Karl Minns Viverinne Hopley Jones Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt Darren Phillips Kevin SmithInvestigation team: Cat Neilan Katie Sayer Becky Pinnington Abigail Mableson Mia Jones Ben Stanton Nathaniel Peutherer Cailtin Holtzman Paola Mathawith thanks to Richard Danbury.Guests: Rosalie Minnitt, Jo Saunderson, and the voice of the Shipping Forecast Amanda Litherland.Production Team: Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, David Riffkin.Production Coordinator: Molly Punshon Assistant Producer: Katie Sayer Executive Producer: Philip AbramsProduced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4

This BBC podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. Dive into the bonkers world of David Mitchell and Robert Webb and listen to their BBC comedy show. From nonsensical maths quiz number wang to finding out what James Bond is really like as a party guest. There's something for everyone. Hello, MOTT AAT. Yes, that's right. This is the Ministry of Things that are apparently true.

Yes, we do exist. The rumours are true, ironically. Start listening to that Mitchell and Web sound. the complete series one to five wherever you get your audio books to the naked week imagine the world that won if it had accidentally recorded a cameo message for some Nazis and speaking of which Nigel Farage is thrilled about this year's rival to clacton pride the straits of Hormuz much harder to get a float through there though also on the way is there anything the rest is politics won't do an emergency podcast about. Humpty Dumpty's fallen off the wall.

In other news, the Grand Lord Duke of York remains under house arrest. Also coming up, Nick Robinson reveals what really goes on behind the scenes of the Today program. People downing bottles of white wine, shagging indiscriminately and stealing each other's yoghurt. Makes sense if you have been shagging indiscriminately, a spot of yoghurt can help calm things down down there.

So, we're three weeks in, And already it's a disorganized shambles, seemingly run by a madman with an ongoing risk that things could well spiral out of control. But enough about this series of the naked week. Because we're all more concerned about the war with Iran. Thus far, Trump and Netanyahu's war has basically been like life in the Beckham family, a series of humanitarian atrocities that the rest of us half-heartedly watch at a distance. However, the consequences are now beginning to hit home, as petrol stations become the front line, with motorists everywhere not able to go fast

and certainly furious at the rising cost of diesel and unleaded. Not since good King Wenceslas has it been so hard to get any fuel. Until this week, the things most likely to annoy motorists have been potholes or Jeremy Vine with a GoPro. We've also seen reports of petrol station staff being abused by customers. One said, we haven't seen anger like this

since Ginsters discontinued the buffet bar. For those of you who don't remember, that was a sort of scotch egg in the shape of a sausage containing not only chopped egg, but also Coleslaw, and its USP was that it was disgusting. It's basically Nick Ferrari in snack form. However, right now, a full tank of unleaded costs about as much as putting your firstborn through a degree in English literature. And in both cases, it won't get you nearly as far as you think. But is this all down?

to the paralyzed pipeline through the Strait of Hormuz, or are the petrol stations taking advantage? Enter, stage left, well, centrist right, Keir Starmer. Half Prime Minister, half disused filing cabinet in glasses. And he was ready to stick it to the petrol price gougers. I simply will not allow companies to make huge profits from the hardship of working people.

Yeah, them's fight. Whiting words, Keir. Admittedly, deliver with all the vigour of a block of tofu, but fighting words nonetheless. Although, nice to hear him talking about hardships. In the same week, he refused to send any to the Persian Gulf. On Sunday, Labour's very own half-tank of red diesel, energy secretary Ed Miliband, went on Laura Coonsberg, if you'll pardon the expression. To adenoidly announce... We're not going to tolerate price gouging. But of course, it's not just pumped up prices at the pumps that we need to be worried about.

We learned this week that basically the cost of everything is going up thanks to the war. When the cost of oil goes up, it's not just petrol, of course. A lot of things are made with oil, including, and we have Googled this, pantyhose, parachutes and petroleum jelly. Coincidentally, also the three things on my rider for this show. Two for having fun. One for the quick escape afterwards. So just what is the solution? to this ongoing oil supply crisis in the Middle East. Well, to help us out,

here is our solutions to this ongoing oil supply crisis in the Middle East correspondent. It's Rosalie Minnet! Hi, Andy, I am here to set your mind at rest. Oh, thank God. You've brought along my panty hose parachute and petroleum jelly. No, I haven't. And we've called HR.

But in the meantime, the situation in the straight of HMOos will soon be solved because the naked week has put the very finest mind. on it. Oh, great. Diplomats, logistics experts? No. Idiots who vaguely remember something they read once on Facebook saying that the only way to get the oil flowing again is to drill the North Sea. Ah, yes. Now, I can think of one or two problems with that. Firstly, that there isn't all that much oil to speak of left in our bit of the North Sea. And secondly, we did drill in the North Sea the last time there was a crisis just four years ago, an idea that was overhyped and

ultimately not worth the effort. Very much making it the Claudia Winkelman's chat show of fossil fuel extraction. Yeah, I said they want to go for it. She's too beloved. What's next? Assambrough? Okay, well, how about this? Loads of middle-aged men on social media

with more time on their hands than awareness of geography have suggested rerouting all the oil by Desert Road. Ah, and have they seen Mad Max too? Oh, Andy, aren't you a negative net? Nahoo. I don't know what that is, but I'm going to say no.

Right. Well, in that case, we go for Plan C. It's Comic Relief Weekend. And what could be more appropriate than David Walliams swimming the Strait of Hormuz, pulling a stranded oil tanker along with a tow rope

clenched between his teeth, coated from head to foot in what we really, really hope, is Goose Pham. But Rosalie, there could be lethally explosive minds in the strait. What's your point, Andy? Yes, good point.

Thank you, everybody. Now, like The Naked Week always does, Kier Stama wants to help. And he did this by announcing an energy package with as little energy as possible. Until we get ourselves off the roller coaster of international oil and gas market, tyrants like Putin and the Ayatollahs

will be free to attack our energy security. Honestly, it's like listening to the speaking clock describing it's divorce. Is it just those two tyrants, Kier? You can't think of that. third one who's been attacking our energy security? Maybe the one you've been on the phone to all week, explaining that the UK can't send any ships to the Strait of Hormuz,

because we don't have any working warships, and the nearest we've got are the Cutty Sark, the Mary Rose, the Whitelink Ferry, Rosie and Jim's narrow boat, whatever's left of the baby stock home, and Boatty McBoatface. Trump, of course, has been trying to persuade every country he can think of to send him ships.

He is used to having escorts provided at a few. minutes notice. What's you going to do, sue us again? But it turns out that spending a year and a half insulting the rest of the world means they're weirdly reluctant to do you any favours. Trump asked seven countries and NATO to send ships. If only there was a way to find out just who agreed.

And now the Strait of Hormuz shipping forecast issued by the Naked Week on Friday the 20th of March. There are warnings of war in the Persian Gulf and the Gulf of Oman and moderate to high requests for ships by Trump becoming psychotic. The United Kingdom. Non. France. Non.

Japan. Non. Germany. Non. Italy. Non. Australia. Non.

NATO. Non. Trump's anger. increasing. Good. And that concludes the low shipping forecast. It truly

is a dire situation in the straits. See Donald Trump with his warring and his makeup. Yeah, buddy. That's his own hair, he claims. See Netanyahu with his own jet airplanes.

Yeah, buddy. They're attacking from the air. They got to install a new regime quickly With custom missile deliverease They got to shift this Islamic Republic They got to move oil through hostile seas That's the Israeli Eurovision entry sorted Incidentally speaking of dire straits

Sultan of Swing is one of the many titles Now formerly stripped from Andrew Mountbatten Windsor But despite all of this chaos Trump has lost none of his deranged enthusiasm for Operation Epic Fury. This was him at the weekend. As we take decisive action to stop the threat posed by the terrorist regime in Iran with Operation. Epic Fury! Is that a great name?

Yes, that is really the most important element of any military operation, isn't it? The name. Anyway, here at the Naked Week, we are actually very glad that Trump went with this level of bombastic nomenclature, not least because it all sounds less like an illegal war unmannedated by the UN and more like a straight-to-d-d-d-jason-Statham film that you haven't seen. And it gives us the opportunity to play a game of US military operation code name or Jason Statham film. Yes!

Leslie's going to join me now. Right, I'm going to throw some of these out. I want you to shout either state's plan or stay-tham. I can't see this not working So more thought has gone into that than the actual operation epic theory

Can I have to say? Right, okay, you ready? States Plan or Stateham? Everybody ready? Yes, okay, here we go. First one, deliberate force. States Plan or State Thames? That was States Plan, that was a code name for airstrikes in Bosnia. Well done. Red Faction? That was a Jason Staten film

and it was also one of the rejected names for your party. Hmm. Nomio and Juliet. Statham, he was, of course, Tibalt the Gnome. Kit Kat. That's an advert Jason Statham used to advertise

Kit Katz on the television. Come on, guys. The Meg. That's actually wrong, guys. That's a code name for a future clandestine operation by the Royal Family to bump off Harry's wife. Yeah.

Similar to Orrin'O. Operation the Diana. Too soon. Too soon. And finally, Fast and Furious. States Plan or Statham? It's both guys. Yes.

It's both. The Real Operation Epic Fury continues to exist for no rhyme or reason and with no end in sight, much like the career of Jason Statham. Jason, we love you. If you're listening, please don't kill us. I'm joking.

I could have him easily. This is the Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time once again to gently trim the topical bonsai, caress the current affairs carp, and stroll in the calming glade of world events. It's the news in high coos. Reform deputy avoids his tax bill. Tice work, if you can get it.

The news... In Haikus. Dive into the bonkers world of David Mitchell and Robert Webb and listen to their BBC comedy show. From nonsensical maths quiz number wang to finding out what James Bond is really like as a party guest. There's something for everyone. Hello, MOTT AAT.

Yes, that's right. This is the Ministry of Things That Are Apparently True. Yes, we do exist. The rumours are true, ironically. Start listening to that Mitchell and Webb sound, the complete series 1 to 5, wherever you get your audio book. You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when the conservative MP Nick Timothy attacked mass ritual prayer in public places. It sounds like he's really got it in for songs of praise from the Chelsea Flower Show.

And speaking of religion, please welcome the Herald Angel to my credulous virgin. It's Observer Whitehall editor and the Naked Week's chief investigative reporter Kat Neelan. Andy, how did you get here? You mean hosting this show? Well, I didn't get the Director General Gagin. This was the consolation prize. No. I meant, how did you get here today to this recording in London?

Oh, on the tube. Did you notice any adverts? I did. I saw the one that said, see it, say it, sorted. I winced inwardly at the vulgar assonance of the word sortid. Glad to see the message getting through, Andy. Because Transport for London is all about adverts. It's made almost £150 million from ad sales last year alone.

Sadiq Khan has described TFL as the Breast. biggest advertising estate in the world, and like most estates, it needs policing. There are strict rules about what you can and can't promote. Okay, so no junk food for one? Exactly. TFL banned ads for food high in fat, salt and sugar in 2019, and they could be surprisingly militant about enforcing this. In 2024, comedian Ed Gamble was forced to digitally change a poster for his stand-up tour because it happened to include an image of a hot dog. They tried various alternatives and eventually settled on a cucumber. I'm seeing nods of recognition from many women in the audience.

So what else? What else is verboten on TFL services? Well, you can't have any adverts that promote... Lap dancing, gentlemen's clubs, escort agencies or massage parlours. Quite right, too. Otherwise, the circle line would just be filled with retired Tory MPs going round and round all day. Like a sort of pinstriped rotissory of sex pests. And in the interest of balance, nowadays there are equal.

grubby old men right across the political spectrum. Absolutely. Always nice to find an issue with bipartisan support. TFL also won't allow adverts that... Could reasonably be seen as likely to cause pressure to conform to an unrealistic or unhealthy body shape or as likely to create body confidence issues, particularly among young people. Or ads for services related to... Unproven health and weight loss products. Now, that all seems pretty sensible given how alarmingly prevalent body dysmorphia is.

And how are TFL enforcing these rules? Well, that's a very good question, Andy. And to find out, we sent a group of City University journalism students to audit all the adverts on the London Underground. All the adverts? How on earth did you persuade them to do that? We told them it was for Saturday Night Live UK. Fair. At last, some proper satire. Imagine trying to put together a topical comedy show in just five days.

They're so brave. Anyway. But what did the students find? than 700 adverts for a company that offers speculative hormone treatments, and another for a company claiming on its website that more than 90% of men have undiagnosed low testosterone. Right, witches? No, it's nothing to do with witches. I really thought it would be.

I really thought it would be. But, according to Ashley Grossman, Professor of Endocrinology at Oxford University... I would not give testosterone to anyone unless I could clearly demonstrate an abnormal level, which is very rare. It increases the possibility of a stroke. and it can also make men more aggressive and more irrational. Cricky, has anyone swabbed the GB News studio for this day? Well, Andy, our tube travelling students also found some adverts with even flimsyer claims.

Were they the ones for Jet 2 holidays claiming I would enjoy a city break to Tehran? Because let me tell you, the phrase lively nightlife, very much undersold it. Worse. Okay. These were ads promoting something called the ALZ Health Tourism. Expo, which took place last month at London's glittering Queen Elizabeth II Conference Centre. Ah, God bless her, it's what she would have wanted. Well, that and her middle son's accuser to be paid off. I digress. Kat, what exactly is a health tourism expo? Well,

the ads in Westminster Station and on the Jubilee and Victoria lines boasted, Discover affordable world-class healthcare. Meet over 80 hospitals and clinics from Turkey and across the globe. Get free consultations. Book treat. And because we were so intrigued by this, the Naked Week sent a researcher to see just how world-class the healthcare it was offering really was. Okay, and what happened? Are we going to have to include a warning here for people listening while having their tea? Probably. Basically, our researcher in a totally healthy range for weight and BMI was nonetheless given an aggressive sales pitch for everything from liposuction to gastric bypass surgery. One exhibitor also tried to convince her to have a boob job. A boob job? Was it?

No, it was not Zach Polansky. Fair enough. Just checking. More like Rack Polanski, am I right? He's the world's second most problematic Polanski right now. By a long way. Our researcher also found exhibitors at the expo who were linked to deaths of at least three patients under their care.

Two of these were Brits who had travelled to Turkey for surgery. One in 2019, who died during a Brazilian buttlift procedure. And one just last year who died while being prepped for a head. hair transplant. And just to be clear, these were exhibitors at an event that didn't breach transport for London's rules on promoting unhealthy body shapes or unproven health products. Apparently not. For context, the woman who died from the BBL surgery wasn't seen by a surgeon or a clinician before the procedure and what little preparation there was mostly took place via WhatsApp. Now, is WhatsApp the normal method for this sort of thing? It's hard to say, Andy. The current Foreign Office guidance on

travelling to Turkey for medical tourism states, The standard of medical facilities and available treatments can vary widely. The FCDO does not give any endorsement of the competence or suitability of any practitioner or facility. What we do know is that several exhibitors told our researcher to contact them on WhatsApp if she was thinking of going ahead with a procedure. When she did this, she was asked to send pictures of the area of her body she wanted enhancing. And that was when we decided to pause this week's investigation. What's that?

A young researcher being asked to say, send naked photos to someone they don't know, I've said it 100 times, Hugh Edwards walked so the naked week could run. So to summarise, Cat, Transport for London won't allow a picture of a hot dog on something that is not even an advert for hot dogs. Because they're unhealthy.

Right, but they will allow adverts for an exhibition featuring foreign medical companies under whose care several people have died. So it would seem. Now, the organiser of the ALZ Health Tourism Expo told the Naked Week, nothing. They never got back to us. Right. I presume that Transport for London's responses

is similarly experiencing severe delays. Well, eventually it arrived. We review all adverts on our network and they must comply with the TFL advertising policy, the Committee of Advertising Practice Code and the Medical and Healthcare Products Regulatory Agency Blue Guide. Ultimately, it is the advertiser's responsibility to check their compliance with these codes

before submitting their campaign for our network. So what they're saying is it's not really their problem at all. Right. Well, next time you're on the tube, don't look at the ads. Instead, why not do something to improve the overall TFL experience?

Like telling American tourists that Waterloo is named after the Abbassohn. Yes. Or that the Elizabeth Line is named after all the cocaine she did. Cathy Leatherlandall. You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4. Still to come, as she begins

her six-day pilgrimage this week, the new Archbishop of Canterbury is met by Reforms Lee Anderson Get back in that kitchen and get some food on and get them pots done. And that cossack makes your ass look fat. This, by the way, is the same week that Lee Anderson was accused of breaching parliamentary rules after he filmed Valentine's videos for cameo in his Westminster office. Roses are red, my face is two, I'd give it five minutes if I were you.

Very nice. Now, as you may know, the Naked Week is very popular with young people. It's right up there with Charlie Eckers. X-E-X, Mr. Beast, and being utterly confused on public transport by the concept of headphones. 6.30 on a Friday is the new 6-7, and I am personally very much the skibbidi-riz. Who I think is the new Iotola. But here's the thing. Right now, it sucks to be young. A mental health crisis, broken housing ladder, terrible job market, and as if all that wasn't bad enough,

now they've got a horrific outbreak of meningitis at the University of Kent, where students have the reassurance of knowing they'll be paying for it in the form of loan interest for the majority of their working lives. No, it's not very funny, is it? Anyone would think Rachel Reeves

didn't even have a sense of humor. One of the cack-handed architects of this Machiavellian loan system is, of course, Sir Nick Clegg, former Liberal Democrat leader and Facebook executive knighted in 2018 for services to failing upwards.

It was his libidaville. that voted to increase tuition fees in 2012 while in coalition with the Tories, having previously campaigned to abolish them altogether. Isn't that right, Sir Nick? On the issue of tuition fees, I was between a rock and a hard place. Mm, very tough, very tough.

Then, of course, he lost his seat and sotted off to California to Tung Mark Zuckerberg's USB port. So... So it wasn't his problem anymore. Thank God then that in recent weeks a lone warrior has emerged from the darkness ready to challenge those responsible

for this generation. crippling disaster. And you will never guess who it is. The system's become a mess. And of course I think the system now needs to be overhauled. Yes, he's back. Back to fight for the nation's student folk.

Sir Nicholas Cleggolas. Our very own shite in whining armour. But look, things really are bleak for young people. Between meningitis, unemployment, student loans, and Timothy Shalamey not winning the Oscar, they're all having a terrible time.

So here to give us the point of view of a young person facing all the issues affecting their cohort, please welcome our giving us the point of view of a young person facing all the issues affecting their cohort correspondent, Rosalie Minut! Okay, so Rosalie, you've been looking into how we can go about cheering up young people. What can we do?

Well, as you know, Andy, the Naked Week likes to help. So what we've been doing is putting together a sort of bespoke investment portfolio to provide for their futures. Okay. Given that the price of almost everything is set to increase due to the war in Iran, we've bought loads of stuff at today's prices,

safe in the knowledge that in a couple of weeks it'll be worth far more. Brilliant. Brilliant. So what have we bought? Well, first off, here's a can of petrol. Oh, yeah. Today, £1.42 a litre.

Next week, 10,000 quid, a milliliter. Yes. Very much. The printer ink of tomorrow. What else is going up? Tomatoes, according to the Farmers Union. tomato plant. That was five pounds today,

so by the end of the month, two grand. See, also cucumber. Yes, Ed Gamble Hot Dogs, as TFL calls them. Asparagus and bread. Right. Okay, so what are we doing with... Haven't finished yet. Oh, I'm sorry.

Because oil is scarce, things that are made of oil are also going up in price. Not my panty hose parachutes and petroleum jelly. To be clear, petroleum jelly shouldn't be going up anywhere without consent. Absolutely.

We've also got a coat, because heating costs are going up. Got a bag of fertiliser, a toothbrush, plastic, so it's made of oil. A guitar. Uh, what? Yeah, guitar strings made of oil. Yep, got it. And then we've also got a roadmap for the desert around the straight of Hormuz. Oh.

I talked to a guy on Facebook who says this is going to be really priceless. And a collection of a giant. Jason Statham DVD. Yeah. Anything else? Oh, and a lettuce. The price of lettuce is going up. That is a disgrace.

So what exactly are we doing with this amazing investment portfolio? Giving it, of course, to the youngest person here in the audience. Please, welcome to the naked week. 24-year-old Joe! Joe, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. So can I just like, do you say you're 20 years?

24? 24, yeah. Can I ask, what your, is your, are you employed, are you a student? Are you in training? I'm a student. Fantastic. Studying anthropology. That'll see you right.

Excellent. So true. Excellent. I'll ask just one more quick question. Do you think I'm skibbidi-Riz? No. No. Okay, so Joe, we have prepared for you this amazing opportunity for tomorrow.

I know, I know. Amazing. So, Joe, what I'm going to ask you to do now, can you please hold your arms out, And Rosalie's just going to stack the Naked Week investment portfolio into Joe's arms. So she's got the coat now, she's got the petrol and the bread and the lettuce. That's brilliant. Now, all of this stuff today cost about 45 quid. By April, Joe will be a billionaire.

And it is all thanks to the Naked Week. Young people of Britain, you are welcome. She's chopped it. She's chopped it all over the place. Well, never mind. As with everything of value in this country, we'll pick it up and we'll give it to the old people. That's it from The Naked Week this week.

Goodbye! The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with guest correspondent Rosalie Minut, guest radio four announcer Amanda Litherland, and token young person, Joe Somerson. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Garrett Carrick, Jason Hazley and James Cattle. With investigations team this week,

Cat Neath, Becky Pinningson, Katie Sayer, and students from London City University. Additional material by Carl Minns, Vivienne Hodge, Darren Phillips, Cooper Moorwenny Swirt, Kevin Smith and David Rifkin. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4. Dive into the bonkers world of David Mitchell and Robert Webb and listen to their BBC comedy show. From nonsensical maths quiz number wang to finding out what James Bond is really like as a party guest, there's something for everyone. Hello, MOTT AAT. Yes, that's right. This is the...

ministry of things that are apparently true? Yes, we do exist. The rumors are true, ironically. Start listening to that Mitchell and Webb sound, the complete series 1 to 5, wherever you get your audiobooks.