Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep4. Immigration, Espionage, and a game of Guess Who? - Epstein Edition.

Episode Date: November 28, 2025

Immigration, espionage, and a game of Guess Who? - Epstein Edition.From host Andrew Hunter Murray and The Skewer's Jon Holmes comes Radio 4’s newest Friday night comedy The Naked Week, with a blend of the silly and serious. From satirical stunts to studio set pieces via guest correspondents and investigative journalism, it's a bold, audacious take not only on the week’s news, but also the way it’s packaged and presented.Host: Andrew Hunter Murray Guests: Larry Budd, Alan DedicoatInvestigations Team: Cat Neilan, Cormac Kehoe, Freya ShawWritten by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Jason Hazeley James KettleAdditional Material: Karl Minns Sophie Dickson Helen Brooks Kevin Smith Darren Phillips Joe Topping Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt David RiffkinLive Sound: Jerry Peal Post Production: Tony Churnside Clip Assistant: David Riffkin Production Assistant: Molly PunshonAssistant Producer: Katie Sayer Producer and Director: Jon HolmesExecutive Producer: Phil Abrams.An unusual production for BBC Radio 4

Hello, I'm Andrew Hontemari, and welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine the world that won if it had been handed over to Putin to distract attention from the Epstein Files. Coming up on the Naked Week this week, the Reform Party published their 2026 calendar. Young males of fighting age. Powerful words from Mr. Febru. there and is it me or is the today program a bit sexier than it used to be well that's a tease for what we're gonna do about kissing in just a minute before that we're gonna look at a package ammo people are eating their breakfast so this

week political death row inmate Kirstama attempted once again we're all thinking it to find an answer to the biggest question that's been dogging labour since they took power. Immigration. Actually, that's the second biggest question that's been dogging them since they took power. The first one is, for the love of everything, holy, why are you so bad at this?

But the immigration question is a close second. And it's a question that seems to be how can we piss off our existing voters while utterly underwhelming everyone who already despises us? And so it came to pass that Home Secretary Shibana Mahmood wrote in The Guardian on Monday, that?

There are dark forces staring up anger. Hmm, before reading. So, if you can't beat them, join them. Announcing a new hardline immigration policy and downloading the version

of the Duolingo app that teaches you how to speak reform. For their part, reform are delighted with her announcement with Nigel Farage saying that Shabana

is welcome to join his party, an invitation to which, in an interview with Sky News, the Home Secretary replied... Oh, honestly, Nigel Farage can sod off. presumably back to wherever he came from, which rules out Clacton.

Now, this tightening up of the rules around immigration is, of course, Labour parking its tanks on a traditionally right-wing lawn. It's nothing more than a transparent attempt to keep Nigel out of number 10. Although, in an interview with Laura Kuntzberg at the end of September, when she asked the PM what he thought of reform's new immigration policy, he replied... Well, I do think there is a... racist policy.

Well, yes, but this week, Prime Minister, yours has also been accused of... I do think it's immoral. Well, again, this week, some of your own backbenchers... And it needs to be called out for what it is. Many people think you need to be called out for what you are, a ham sandwich with expensive glasses. But whatever your take on the policy, it doesn't matter. And here is why.

For those that think that Labor may be cracking down too hard on immigration, there is no need to worry much about Shabana Mahmood's big, shiny announcement at all. because, and I realise there's maybe a bit of a Naked Week exclusive, it's not actually going to happen. And that's because things being announced and they're not actually happening is just how this country works now. With more details, I'm joined by the Naked Week's

Big Shiny announcement correspondent, Larry Budd. Hi, Andy. Hi, Larry. So, how many big, shiny government announcements have actually led to use the technical terminology employed by the Home Secretary to sod all? Well, Andy, the naked week has run the numbers And to use another technical term, the answer is

F in loads. If you look back over the last eight years or so, you can definitely see a pattern emerging Or rather you can't see it Because there's nothing to look at Because nothing ever happens. Okay. I suppose another example of this

Would be the proposed cut to the winter fuel allowance? That's right, Andy. Labor announced it. They said they knew it would hurt, but they were prepared to do it. Turns out they didn't know how much it would hurt them in the polls, and so they weren't prepared to do it after all. Other than that, they were entirely true to their word. This country has had more pointless

policy announcements than it has Labour MPs who haven't quite got their heads around the rules on property ownership. Okay. But it isn't just Labour? Not at all, no. Over the years, other big policy announcements have led to nothing happening, including build back better,

we haven't. Leveling up, we didn't. Big society, big Billy bullshit. Stop blinding me with this political language. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Strong and stable. Theresa May. From memories in the audience.

Build 300,000 new homes a year. Let's not. Endroft sleeping. Let's not do that either. 40 new hospitals. There's not 40 of them. They're not all new and many of them aren't even hospitals. End child poverty. as if. Violence against women and girls, record numbers. And then there's free ports, northern powerhouse,

the SMP's 50 million pound innovation fund, crossrail two, the Thames Estuary Airport, the Rwanda scheme, stop the boat, smash the gangs for MASH get smashed, one in one out, shake it all about, and perhaps the greatest of them all, get Brexit done. Stop, Larry. Okay, okay, okay, stop, Larry, stop, start. It's honestly, it's actually too many to count.

Well, I'd be able to count them if I'd done a compulsory maths at A level, as announced by Rishi Simak, But it never actually happened. Nothing happens, Andy. We live in a country where our greatest infrastructure achievement is a high-speed railway that doesn't exist. Presided over by a parliament

that can't even manage to authorise the building work needed to stop itself from burning down. Larry Bart, everybody. But however we got here, what we've ended up with in this era of government-by-announcement is the driving up of distrust in politics and the push of voters towards fringe party who are only too willing to announce

undeliverable policies of their own. We surely cannot end up in a place where Richard Tice seems relatively sincere because that is a place where humanity has given up. Well, let me tell you, we at the naked week haven't given up. I mean, like everyone else, we have given up on these policies coming to fruition,

but even if the policies are no good, maybe the announcements could be a bit better. What we need is to put a bit of pizzazz into the art of political announcements. We need some showbiz. So to help the naked week, help the government, please welcome to the show, the official national lottery voice of the balls

and the voice of children in need, Alan Dedicote. Hi, Andy, it's great to be here. Alan, so good of you to join us. Are you ready? I'm at the mic and ready to go. Right, first one. Here is Keir Stama last week announcing a new AI growth zone in Wales, which won't happen. Let's have a listen. This is announcement of two major projects,

but it's more than that. It's an announcement about your future. Now, obviously, no one's excited by that because it's like listening to an air conditioning unit conducting a seance. But... Could it have been announced any better? Alan, let's hear it?

This is an announcement of two major projects. But it's more than that. It's an announcement about your future. I'm on board. Much more impactful. I think we're on to something here. Next, here's Rishi Sunak announcing something else that definitely happened.

There's no doubt our democratic values are under threat. That is why we will introduce a bold new model of national service for 18-year-olds. So dull. It's like watching Chris Mason dry. Alan, do your stuff? There's no doubt our democratic values are under threat. That's why we'll introduce a bold new model

of national service for everyone. 18-year-old. Sign me up, Alan. This is the key to making things happen after all. And finally, here is a former British political heavyweight announcing a breakthrough in international trade. In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets.

It's hard to improve on perfection, but let's give it a go. In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets. Yes! So, Sarkia, if you're listening, The Naked Week Policy Announcement Unit is open for business. Call us, the new voice of the balls up. Alan Dedicoat, everybody. And so, it's time once again to calm ourselves

by taking a quiet stroll through the peaceful garden of current affairs contemplation that is the news in haikus. Beware Chinese spies. MI5's advice, if you see them peaking, duck. The news in haikus. Now, let's all spare a thought for the today program's Justin Webb. Why?

Well, because he has to get up at three in the morning and occasionally speak to Chris Phil. But also, because we at The Naked Week suspect that old Justin, the webmaster general, is starting to feel a bit left out. So first, there was this... Hello, and welcome to political thinking with me, Nick Robinson. A conversation with someone who shapes our political thinking. Yeah, political thinking with Nick Robinson, a conversation with Nick Robinson about political thinking. Very much the Ron Seal on the BBC Sound Stable Door.

Then came this... Welcome to the launch of a new podcast called Radical with Amal Rajin. A series of conversations with the coolest people on the planet. Yeah. And which of the coolest people on the planet did he talk to this week? Our guest today is Sir Nick Clegg. Oh, well. That's a shame.

All right, that's two today presenters aboard the podcast Blatherbus. Room for one more on top? Hello, I'm Emma Barnett, and I'm always ready to talk. Oh, hello, yes, I'd rather feared you would be. But please, carry on. You know, every conversation I've ever had has taught me that the most interesting thing is how people feel. Oh, thank you, Emma.

Well, since you ask... How they really feel. Well, I'm trying to tell you, Emma. I am always ready to talk. You're not ready to listen, apparently. I also want to have that conversation with you. Tell me what all these conversations have made you think about. Mostly, bloody hell, there really are too many podcasts, aren't there?

But here we are. Nick, Amol and Emma, each with their own show, leaving poor Justin Webb, the Silver Fox himself, scavenging for conversational scraps. And with the other today titans hoovering up all the good guests, and Nick Clegg Justin has been trying to nail his own podcast format

and we've got hold of the pilots for the first one BBC Sounds team Justin up with one of the stars of the archers Do you get the impression that a Security Council resolution is now being treated as a priority How committed are you to the package as outlined yesterday?

Don't milk it there we go Then he tried Justin Webb's church chat With the cast of Bells on Sunday Attacks by fighters from the Islamic State Group Have increased significantly What's your answer to I? How confident are you that's going to happen?

Not his first time speaking to a couple of bells You'll remember he's interviewed Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham You're listening to The Naked Week In the week when the COVID inquiry blamed lockdown inaction on a toxic macho atmosphere in Downing Street. Ah, the good old days. So here's our antidote

to my toxic masculinity. Please welcome the Naked Week's chief antidote and observer Whitehall editor, Kat Neelan. Kat, this series we're looking at so-called voter concerns, which we've already established can cover pretty much anything. So what are we claiming voters are concerned about now?

In a nutshell, Andy, not dying. Well, that's... That's a legitimate concern, not dying, whether that's from illness or from embarrassment when David Lammy speaks. So, great. Yeah, and credit where credits due, the government has come up with a genuinely excellent way to increase the UK's overall rate of not dying. People taking their driving theory test will soon have to know a little more than their highway code. From early next year, candidates will also be asked basic questions about how to resuscitate a casualty, like how to administer CPR, how to use a defibrillator. This sounds great.

What exactly is in this new driving theory test? Well, here's an example question. Who can use a public access to fibrillator? Is it answer A, paramedics only? B, first aid is only. C, doctors only. D. Claudia Winkleman. I beg a pardon.

She's in everything now. She's a national treasure. Or E, everyone. And the correct answer is. E, everyone can use a public access to fibrillator. Okay, excellent. Perfect scheme. 10 out of 10. No notes. Except, Andy. Oh, here we go.

The Naked Week has uncovered severe shortcomings with the provision and maintenance of defibrillators, in some cases leading directly to avoidable deaths. Okay, and just remind us what a defibrillator is? Well, if you're having a cardiac arrest, it's those two little electric pads that zap your heart, unless you're Shabana Mahmood, in which case, good luck trying to find anything to zap. Okay. Right, so, defibs, these are the little yellow or green boxes that you see in train stations and high streets and so on. they not installed by local councils? In many cases, yes. So how do we know how many of them

are maintained? Because the Naked Week contacted every single borough, county, district and city council in England, Scotland and Wales to find out. Of course we did. Okay. How many councils is that? 423, Andy. Sorry, who are you? And how do you know that? I'm Freya. I work on the show and I know it was 423 because I'm the poor bastards who have to write 423 freedom of information requests. We've got to talk about mail merge, Freya. Too little, too late. But thank you, and I'm sorry, that sounds like a terrible job. I've filed a workplace complaint.

Well, this is the BBC. Get in the queue. How many councils replied to us? 304. Out of those, only 91 had registered all their defibs on the national network that tells emergency services where they are. and 17 councils couldn't tell us how often their defibs were checked, if ever. Yikes, okay. Kat, what do these checks involve, typically? Well, the British Heart Foundation guidelines say every defib should have a registered guardian.

That's someone who gives it a monthly inspection to check that its batteries still work. Oh, so like Ed Davy. Yeah, okay, good. Freya, I'm assuming that maintaining a defib is a legal requirement. Surprisingly not, Andy, which means no individual can be held responsible when one doesn't work. Right. So, much like BBC Directors General. To emphasise how important defibrillators really are, your chance of surviving a cardiac arrest outside of hospital

a less than one in ten, and every minute's delay in using a defibrillator decreases your chance of survival by a further 10%. Well, that's incredibly bleak. Kat, if the issue is defibrillators not working properly... Actually, Andy, there's arguably an even bigger problem. Which is? No, it's nothing to do with which is.

But the point is The point is where defibs are located. So of the councils that reply to the Naked Week, just a third of their machines could be accessed at all times because most of them are in places with daytime-only hours like schools or sports centres. Nationally, almost half of all registered machines are not 24-7 accessible.

And unfortunately, that costs lives. On New Year's Day, 2022, a teenager in Warwickshire suffered a sudden cardiac arrest while with friends. The 999 operator told him that there was a defib just two minutes away, but it was locked in a school, so there was nothing anyone could do. And he died five days later without ever regaining consciousness. It's really genuinely awful. And to clarify, never mind maintenance, is there also a legal requirement to ensure 24-7 access to defibrillators?

There isn't. And also, just last month, the coroner at an inquest into another death in which a defib had failed to work, had this warning for anyone with a device on their premises. The information for maintaining defibrillators is out there for those who choose to access it. What I can't do is write to everybody who has a machine and say, please make sure you access this information. Well, hopefully we have at least helped raise awareness on this, but has anything actually changed as a result of our investigation?

Yep, I know have carpal tunnel syndrome from writing freedom of information requests. Anything else? We know that thanks to our inquiry, many councils have checked their defibrillators, some of which hadn't been touched for months. Much like Donald Trump's salad spinner. It's not a euphemism, guys. We also heard from one, Charnwood Borough Council, who told us they have now added defibs to their regular maintenance schedule,

and when they checked the machine in their own office, they found it needed new pads and new batteries, which have since been replaced. Right, so the Naked Week may actually have saved someone's life. That's great. So that's one person saved, minus, of course, two guest correspondents we've killed. I've said too much. And we've also updated the driving theory test. Question one. Who could use a defibrillator?

Is the answer A. Paramedics, doctors and Claudia Winkleman. B. Anyone accidentally switching on question time? C. Anyone near the offices of Charnewood Borough Council? Or D. Donald Trump to try and Frankenstein Jeffrey Epstein back to life and explain it's all been a perfectly innocent misunderstanding. Trinkier than I remember. Kat Neeland and Freishore, everybody. You're listening to TNW on R4.

Still to come. Things get messy as Nick Robinson does things in the wrong order. Because after wet wipes, we're going to talk about how spicy curry is. Don't want his studio chair. And speculation's been running rife about the things Rachel Reeves might resort to raising taxes on in next week's budget. Rubbish. demons migrants

eyes this week has been dominated by the continuing furor over the Epstein files the FBI's dossier of evidence on the late financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein Trump finally demanded their release

on Sunday having previously denied they even existed they're both real and not real like Schroding as paedophile on Tuesday the House of Representatives approved the measure, the Senate unanimously fast-tracked it without a formal vote, and on Wednesday Trump signed it off, and the Justice Department now has 30 days to release them or have them

murdered in their cell. Yet Trump spent his presidential campaign, saying he'd released the Epstein files. Just a month into office, his attorney general said they were sitting on her desk ready for review. Nothing. The House of Representatives demanded their release. Again, nothing. And we were all still none the wiser as to who exactly had been flying to and from Nantes Island on Sleazy Jet. Then, in June this year, after they'd had a tiff,

Trump's former BFF, Elon Musk, did his usual late night, kept tweeting, offering his theory why we weren't getting to see them. Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. Ooh, interesting, we all said. But how did Elon Musk know? Elon Musk's name has appeared in files relating to Jeffrey Epstein. ah

partners in slime Elon probably remembers them arguing over who got the window seat and when I say window seat I mean stewardess Trump says Trump says he never went to Epstein's Island and Elon has said the same to be fair he probably didn't have time

what with being very busy building reliably flammable cars and unreliably racist chatbots so far we have had So far, we have already had more than 20,000 pages of documents released. One of the most surprising emerging this week was an email exchange between Jeffrey Epstein and his brother discussing Trump's former chief strategist, Steve Bannon. Brace yourself because he asked...

If Putin has the photos of Trump blowing bubber. What? And so many questions. The main one, why Trump ever said this? I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. Well, I'll tell you why we're interested, Donald. Because irrespective of whatever else is in the files,

we now know there's an email that appears to say you blew something or someone called Bubba. And let's not forget, Trump also said of the Epstein files... It's pretty boring stuff. No, it isn't, Donald. It's the exact opposite. It's fascinating stuff. Who or what is Bubba?

And then it got even more interesting, because Epstein's brother came out and said... The bubber in the picture is not Bill Clinton. Thank God. Thank God. Bill Clinton's reputation remains unscathed. Again, for legal clarity, other than that email, which Epstein's brother has insisted was humorous,

we have no evidence whatsoever that Donald Trump has ever blown anyone unless the blowing in question is up, and Bubba is Venezuela within the next week. But, look, who knows? Perhaps Trump could be at the centre of all the files. To be clear, that's Epstein, not Pido. We just don't know. It's astonishing this has been through a lawyer.

It's astonishing. Obviously, he's already been named, but at the moment there is no suggestion at all that he's done anything wrong, apart from all the times he has, and also the time when he was found liable for sexual abuse by a jury in 2023 and ordered to pay the victim $83 million in damages

for defamation, which he is still yet to do. To be fair to him, though, that is probably just a question of cash flow. I think he's probably waiting for the money from the BBC to come in. As we've said, the Department for Justice has 30 days to act. So, around the world,

lots of anxious, very rich men are currently emptying their bank accounts, burning their old holiday clothes, and Googling which countries don't have extradition treaties with the US. Speaking of which, I hear Saudi Arabia

is lovely at this time of year. Just as long as you are planning on doing any journalism. Although, according to Donald this week, there is nothing to see here either. Crown Prince Mohammed bin bags full of chopped up journalists, I'm sorry, Salman was visiting the White House this week

and when asked about the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, Trump's response was... Things happen. To be fair, that is technically one of the most accurate statements he's ever made. You can't argue with it. Things do, indeed, happen. What a philosopher. In fact, we should all rethink this Donald Trump chap. He's got his finger

on the pulse. Unlike various, Saudi journalists who don't have either of those things. But remarkably, even that is possibly not the oddest thing Trump has said this week, because on Air Force One, when a female journalist asked him about the Epstein files... What did Geoffrey Epstein mean in his emails when he said you knew about the girls?

So after some towing and froing, he responded with this... Quiet, quiet, piggy. Quiet, piggy. Quiet, piggy. I have the conch. although we're not sure. Is he channeling... Is he channeling Lord of the Fies or is it deliverance?

Squeal, piggy squeal, Trump shouts from behind Bill Clinton. Look, we didn't write the email, we're just reporting the details, all right? Now, at time of recording, obviously we still don't know exactly what the Epstein documents contain, and thus everyone is currently furiously guessing

who else might be in there. And that gave us at the next. Naked Week an idea. You know us, we enjoy a game. We want to get in on the furious Epstein speculation through the medium of a paedophile-based family board game. So joining me now is the Naked Week's paedophile-based family board game correspondent, Larry Bard. It's the role I was born to play, Andy. So, Larry, first of all, who do we think is going to be named in these files? Well, everyone who's anyone, Andy, you know, like the Met Gala or the Vanity Fair Oscars party, If you're a big money day lister,

the Epstein files are the place to be seen. In fact, you know, they're saying the only thing worse than being in the Epstein files is not being in the Epstein files. Really? No, not really. It means people think you're a sex offender. Sorry, yes.

Which is why it's time to play The Naked Weeks must have gift for Christmas. What is it? It is the Guess Who Epstein edition. Oh, wow. I haven't played Guess Who since I won. Young enough to be a key witness?

Okay. How does it work? Well, it's very simple. You there have a deck of 24 faces, and you are going to try and guess who might be in the Epstein files by narrowing it down one question at a time through a fun-filled process of elimination.

First question. Is he a man? What do you think? Yes, of course he's a man, sorry. Okay, I'm going to turn down all the women. There we go. Goodbye, piggy's. Good, good.

Okay, he's a man. Is he a major political figure? Define major political figure. Well, if we continue with this bit, is he likely to sue the BBC for another five billion pounds? Well, if he does, they can just do what they did this week to counter all the bad press, which is announce another series of line of duty.

Larry. That is a major distress signal for a broadcaster. Channels only announce another series of line of duty when they are under serious threat from an apex predator. That's right. If he sues for costs on top, they can bring back Grange Hill. Oh, yes. Okay, Andy, you've got it down to...

One, two, tiles standing. Crucial moment. What's your next question going to be? Okay. Has this unnamed man that's a major political figure recently, massively you turned on this issue in a way that might make an outsider think he has had some significant evidence redacted.

It's not a traditional guess who question, isn't it? Have one more go. Okay, um, is he forever blowing bubbers? I'm afraid that's definitely redacted. Game O one. Larry Budd, everyone. And that's it from The Naked Week this week. Goodbye!

The Naked Week was hosted by Andrew Hunter Murray with guest correspondent Larry Budd and special guest, me, Alan Dedicote. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Gareth Kerridig, Jason Haisley and James Kettle, with Investigations team Kat Neelan, Kormakkio and Freya Shaw. Additional material by Carl Minn, Sophie Dixon, Kevin Smith, Darren Phillips, Joe Topping, Cooper Maweni Swirt and David Rifkin.

The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.