Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep5. Tariffic Trump retaliation, and Woop Woop - it's the sound of the Thought Police.

Episode Date: April 11, 2025

The Naked Week team are back to place satirical news-tariffs on current events with a mix of correspondents, guests and, occasionally, live animals.This week we 'woop woop' at the sound of the Thought Police, enjoy a spot of 'tariffic' retaliation, and bang a gong for the local elections.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers a topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Sarah Dempster Jason Hazeley.wth additional material.Investigations Team: Cat Neilan Louis Mian Freya Shaw Matt BrownGuests: Larry Budd, and Felicity Hannah out of off of Radio 4's Moneybox Live.Production Team: Laura Grimshaw, Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, Katie Sayer, Phoebe Butler.Executive Producer: Philip Abrams Produced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

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and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest

media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about the world's biggest media outlets, and we're going to be talking about after a 10% tariff on Michael Birx Chino's.

Coming up on The Naked Week, Trump escalates his round with Russia. He did sort of take a dump on Putin. I know he's called Putin, Donald, but that is going a bit far. Also on the show, Radio 4 producers insist the rumours that other Today presenters are deliberately distancing themselves from Nick Robinson are entirely unfounded. You're listening to Today with Nick Robinson in Salford and Anna Foster on Thailand's border with Myanmar. Still somehow not far enough, is it?

And so to the tariffs of Trump. Perhaps a man best described this week, certainly in the minds of other world leaders, by the late Val Kilmer in Top Gun. You're everyone's problem. You're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous. Thanks, Val. R.I.P. Three cheers for Liberation Day. And before we begin, The Naked Week would like to express our sympathy to Melania, who must have heard Liberation Day and very much got her hopes up. Liberation Day and very much got her hopes up. But as you know, we at The Naked Week like to help. So as this Fair Land plans its retaliation to the 10% imposed on us, Keir Starmer has said...

We will keep all options on the table. Sadly tables of course will also be affected by the tariffs. But two can play the tariff game. Jonathan Reynolds said as much in the Commons on Thursday. I am today launching a request for input of possible retaliatory action. And as ever, Jonathan, we've got your back. We're with you. Let's start slapping tariffs on American imports starting now. To decide precisely on what, I'm joined by The Naked Week's What US Import Shall We Slap a Tariff on correspondent, Larry Bird!

APPLAUSE Larry, what's first? 200% on unnecessary whooping. Oh, right. About time. Here's another one. Having fake teeth like strip lighting in a nuclear reactor? 50% tariff. Not being able to say aluminium?

50%. Insistence on calling bum bags fanny packs? Not being able to say aluminium, 50%. Insistence on calling bum bags fanny packs, 60% With a blanket 10% on top because every time you say it, it makes us snigger. Calling sports events that only involve teams from your own country a World Series, no. Unacceptable, 112%. Shop assistants who say, have a nice day. No.

I'm British, thank you very much. Not only do I not want to have a nice day, I can't. 54% tariff. That awful plastic thin slice of yellow you ludicrously call cheese. 300%. The idea of no national healthcare. 600%. Chocolate that tastes like sick, 700 percent.

Getting the dates the wrong way around, 8,000 percent. It's 11, nine. But Larry, is there any common ground? Is there any way to lower tensions? Is there anything we can agree that neither of us wants to import? James Corden. Now, criticising the police is easy. For instance, every breath you take is a stalker's anthem, and Roxanne is too shouty. But sometimes criticizing His Majesty's constabulary is even easier because they do tend to bring

it upon themselves. This week alone, we've had three high-profile instances of police plunging into a row over heavy-handed tactics. First, there were the parents arrested for complaining about their children's school in a WhatsApp group. Six uniformed police were sent to their house, despite no evidence of wrongdoing having actually been produced at any point. They may have just all watched the Dawn Raid episode of Adolescence and got excited. Then, according to reports, Plod plotted up the path of a mushroom forager to warn her in no uncertain terms that she should not forage any mushrooms from her local park. And quite brilliantly, the forager's name was Louise Gather.

And she was cautioned by PC Overreach, Sergeant Fascist Police State, and Inspector, you can see where this joke is going. But then came the crowning, as in Crown Prosecution Service, Glory. Sunday Times has revealed that 20 officers smashed down the door of a Quaker church to arrest women discussing climate change and Garset. Now, these women were part of a protest group called Youth Demand, who, to be fair, are certainly guilty of having a name so prosaic they may as well have called themselves Protest Group. But the point is they weren't actually doing anything apart from having a meeting in a room they'd hired. Admittedly prior to this they had been posting on social media that they planned to bring London to a standstill

with a protest around Gaza, but the point is they hadn't yet. And not committing a crime really shouldn't be an arrestable offence. Although, if any of them does go to prison, we will know who's ready to blame for their doing porridge. It's the Quakers. Thank you! LAUGHTER Critics have said that all of this feels a bit Minority Report, the Tom Cruise film in which police go around detaining people for pre-crimes in a nightmarish dystopian future, which is where we all live now. To be fair, thanks to the Police Crime Sentencing and Courts Act 2022, written by Philip K. Dick, conspiracy to cause a public nuisance is a crime, but just what is it? To find out, I'm joined by The Naked Week's Conspiracy to Cause a Public Nuisance is a Crime,

but Just What Is It correspondent Larry Budd. Larry, conspiracy to cause a public nuisance, just what is it? Whoop, whoop! Andy, it's the sound of the thought police. Okay, we don't, we're British, 200% tariff. But what do we know about the Quaker House 6? Well, I wanted to check my notes here because they are suspected crimes, okay?

I do have to report this meeting accurately for legal reasons. According to reports, they were arrested while they were, quote, sitting in a circle eating breadsticks and hummus. So, do not mix hummus and hamas. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Let's not forget, they also had breadsticks. Oh. Nothing but thugs. I say, hang the lot of them. Well, to be fair to the police,

we don't know what they were planning on doing with those breadsticks. A sharpened Grissini straw in the wrong hands is a lethal weapon. LAUGHTER What happened to the women that were arrested? breadsticks, a sharpened Grissini straw in the wrong hands is a lethal weapon. What happened to the women that were arrested? Well, as you say, the arrests were on suspicion of conspiracy to cause a public nuisance, which is... No, Larry, it's nothing to do with witches. And I understand the police are now looking to charge the women with six counts of homicide. the women with six counts of homicide. And they did raise the taramas alarm. You can make those noises all you like, we are not going to be stopped. Now we wanted to know more about

exactly how the police are deciding who to arrest. Well, joining me now is the Naked Week's Predicting Crimes correspondent Larry Budd. Larry, as many are asking this week, what are the police playing at? Look Andy, it's very, very simple. Solving crimes is really quite difficult. Whereas arresting random members of the public is a piece of piss. LAUGHTER Makes sense. And I believe they do have specialist kit for this. They do, and to be fair to them, the police have kindly lent some of it to the Naked Week for us to have a look at.

I've got it here, if you can see that. Ah, okay. This is the official police issue crime predicting software. So for listeners at home, Larry has just pulled out what looks like a child's origami paper fortune teller thing of the type you might find in a typical British playground. How does it work? What we do is we ask someone's name and then flip bits of the folded paper toy around to see what crime it lands on. And then we'll arrest them for it before it's happened because one cannot be too careful.

And here are some new public nuisance crimes that have been this week added to the statute books. They include wearing white socks with sliders, causing or encouraging someone to say the word hollybobs, aiding and abetting a work's karaoke night, or recklessly endangering a nice evening out by mentioning her mother. So this is where we we're gonna weed out any future hardened criminals that might be hiding in plain sight in our studio audience. Would anyone like to volunteer to find out what potential public nuisance thought crime they might be committing according to the police? I'm just gonna say you madam. Would you, what's your name?

Allison. Allison. Do you like hummus? I love hummus. You do? I do, yeah. Have you ever thought about committing a name? Allison. Allison. Do you like hummus? I love hummus. You do? I do, yeah. Have you ever thought about committing a crime? No. Very confident, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's find out. OK. Larry, if you could please ready the official police issue crime predicting software. If you'd like to play along at home, you can. It's really easy. Just think about possibly committing a crime and then wait for the sirens. OK, great. So Larry, if you could... L-I-S-O-N. Brilliant. Alison, could you pick a number between one and eight, please?

Seven. Seven. Seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Okay, we're just going to open it up. Alison, can you please read out the newly legislated serious public nuisance crime you might possibly think about committing in the future? Applauding or going way in a pub or restaurant when someone drops a plate. Allison, I want you to stop and think about that for a moment. Okay, you have done? Yeah. Good. You're under arrest. You are going to be taken from this place to be waterboarded with hummus and pierced with sharpened breadsticks until dead. Okay, don't blame me, that's the law. Ladies and gentlemen, Naked Week President Number One, Alison! This is The Naked Week on Radio 4, where once again we hold hands and take together a relaxing stroll through our quiet garden of current affairs contemplation. It's the news in haikus.

Marine convicted. Macron is made up. As were Le Pen's employees. The news? In my shoes! Somewhere on the frontier between thought and reality exists the Discworld, a parallel time and place which might sound and smell very much like our own which looks completely different enjoy seven full cast bbc radio dramatizations of terry pratchett's novels and what was your previous position i beg your pardon what did you do for a living i ushered souls into the next world.

Start listening to Terry Pratchett, the BBC Radio Drama Collection. Available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks. You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when news broke of a long-running showbiz feud between Simon Cowell and David Walliams. And speaking of things you wouldn't allow on the furniture, it's time... It's time once again to place the naked wheat cone of shame on a Westminster watchdog to stop it scratching off its own ears, just like someone who's accidentally tuned into Vernon Kay. As ever, I'm joined by Tortoise Media's political editor and our chief veterinarian, Cat Neelan. Cat, surely, surely there can't be more rabies-infested strays roaming the corridors of Whitehall.

Oh, but there are, Andy. It's an inexhaustible supply. Well, who's on their way to the Battersea Donner Kebab factory this week? Look, I'll admit, we've examined some pretty hopeless regulators, but this one truly takes inexhaustible supply. Well, who's on their way to the Battersea Doner Kebab factory this week? Look, I'll admit we've examined some pretty hopeless regulators, but this one truly takes the doggy biscuit. It's called the Advisory Committee on Business Appointments, or ACOBA. Which is? No, I'm not doing that. It's the body designed to regulate people moving between government and the private sector. If a former minister or a senior civil servant wants to take up a job outside government, they must first consult this committee.

And what does this advisory committee advise? They have all sorts of rules. Some obvious, some less obvious. Some baffling, like the casting for those new Beatles films. Okay, give us an obvious one. Paul Mezcal as Paul McCartney. I mean, really? I meant an obvious Ackaburr rule. OK, well, for example, ex-ministers and senior civil servants aren't allowed to engage in

lobbying the government for at least two years after leaving office. Why would that be a problem? Because they might have inside knowledge of commercially and time-sensitive information that their new employers could exploit for profit. OK, fair enough. That sounds like a very sensible rule. How does the regulator enforce it? It doesn't. Not even a little bit?

If you break a rule, the only thing the watchdog can do is send out a sternly worded letter. That's it? That's it. So, okay, I'm sorry to sound like George Osborne describing the North, but what is the point of it? LAUGHTER Great question, Andy. And it's also a very timely one, because this week the chair of that committee for the last five years stepped down and pretty much admitted that it wasn't fit to tie its own shoelaces, let alone regulate private sector appointments. So this person has spent the last five years knowing their job is basically pointless.

Is it Ed Davey? Close, but no. The chair of this watchdog was former Conservative communities and local government secretary Eric Pickles, now of course Lord Pickles. The sharp, tangy rush of nostalgia. Just out of interest, is this the same Eric Pickles who, when called to give evidence to the Grenfell Tower inquiry, said... Feel free to ask me as many questions as you like, but could I respectfully remind you that you did promise that we would be away this morning? I do have an extremely busy day. Er, yes, that's him.

OK, so Lord Pickles, a very busy man, spent five years chairing a watchdog he knew wasn't doing its job. To be fair to him, he's made a point of using his last few months in the role to highlight its weaknesses and told The Naked Week that his word, slapdash government departments, aren't keeping tabs on the revolving door of civil servants moving to the private sector. He also described it as a scandal waiting to happen. OK. And he believes this is partly by design, calling it...

A cohort effect. The existing cohort looks after the last one on the assumption that the next one looks after them. So essentially they are holding the revolving door open for each other. Erm... How would that work? I don't know. I think this metaphor needs regulating. But still, what jobs are these people picking up?

Funny you should ask, Andy. The Naked Week has found 24 ex-civil servants who left the public sector and immediately joined PR and lobbying firms. Of course they did. In Westminster, you cannot cross the road without tripping over a lobbying firm. But Kat, all of this seems very inside the Whitehall bubble. How does this affect people who say didn't graduate from Oxford with a 2.1 in PPE and now intern at The Spectator magazine helping Michael Gove locate his Charlie?

Before the lawyers explode, that is Cockney rhyming slang, that is Cockney rhyming slang, Charlie X-EX specs. He wears spectacles, everybody can't tell. I mean, potentially this has significant long-term implications for people's everyday lives, particularly the way we receive news and information. How come? Because Big Tech is making a big play for civil servants with insider experience. OK, so specifically? Four people who used to work for Ofcom and two who used to work for the Information Commissioner's Office,

which is the body that regulates data protection, are now employed by Naked Week favourites and Big Minge energizers TikTok. Oh god, are we going to play the song again? Legally, I'm afraid we have to. Big birds, sesame. big mean jenergy. And if you'd like some context for that, please go back and listen to episode one of this series, otherwise it will simply remain a beautiful mystery. So, TikTok's payroll now includes former employees of the online safety regulator and the Information

Commissioner's office. It sounds like having inside knowledge of that process might potentially hand TikTok quite a significant advantage. It might sound like that, yes. And it's not just TikTok. Facebook's owner Meta has hired at least seven people who used to work either in the civil service or at Ofcom. Seven.

Or maybe it was 70. Or 700. Who knows, Andy? They got rid of fact-checkers. In the spirit of Mark Zuckerberg, let's just call it 70,000. Right. Wow. 700 million ex-civil servants. All now working at Facebook. Sure. Why not? But overall, The Naked Week has found at least 17 people now working for Google or big social media firms who previously worked for regulators of that industry, and 19 people employed by

these companies who previously worked for relevant government departments. Right. And just to be clear, even though many of these firms are currently lobbying the government to get legislation changed, or watered down, or in some cases actively battling investigations into their business practices, none of these appointments were scrutinised by the watchdog Ackaba. Not a single one. And in time-honoured fashion, The Naked Week is in no way implying any wrongdoing

and no actual rules have been broken. LAUGHTER Sorry to laugh. LAUGHTER Of course not. Any thoughts on that, Eric? Feel free to ask me as many questions as you like, but I do have an extremely busy day. Didn't think so. Kat Nealon, everybody! Feel free to ask me as many questions as you like, but I do have an extremely busy day.

Didn't think so. Kat Nealon, everybody! Yeah! I'm not kidding. Yeah! I'm not kidding. Coming up, it's not until you dig a little deeper into the case against Frances Marine Le Pen

that you realize how shameless her rule-breaking really was. She was found guilty, and probably she was guilty. I mean, I don't think anyone doubts that there was some system of illegal farting party funding in Taster. Illegal farting? I blame her diet of spicy chicken right wings. Now this is probably going to come as a surprise but believe it or not it is in fact election season Now, this is probably going to come as a surprise, but believe it or not, it is in fact... Election season! BOOOOM!

And for listeners at home, that was the sound of Professor Sir John Curtis climaxing. But it's... Someone in the audience just said incredibly solemnly, this is good. But it's true. There are indeed a number of local elections happening next month, and parties have been slowly, oh so slowly, launching their campaigns. Reform did it via Nigel Farage waving from a JCB like a cross between Bob the Builder and Eva Perron.

Labour, we're pretty sure, launched theirs on Thursday. The Greens, we're pretty sure, are still hibernating. While the Conservatives actually did launch their campaign weeks ago, not that anyone noticed. We genuinely had to look it up to see if it had happened at all. But don't worry, Kemi's been rallying the troops with an inspiring new slogan. We know that these elections will be extremely difficult. That's the spirit! But the best launch by far was on Monday, and the Liberal Democrat campaign campaign spearheaded

by distinguished public servant and man asked to leave the church fate after accidentally letting go of the test your strength hammer and bludgeoning the vicar, Sir Mr Ed Davey. This morning leader Sir Ed Davey ran around an obstacle course on a hobby horse. It's official. It's a two horse race. Brilliant. It really is great fun. That sound you can hear is William Gladstone turning in his grave. So fun. It was fun, although unfortunately for Ed, he was miked up for the entire 20 minute event.

And some of the chat between him and his media manager was also caught on mic. Let's just say that some of the enthusiasm may possibly have been a tiny bit staged. Which doesn't involve any jumping. Just mounted games so you're still having fun, still doing it without jumping. Okay, okay, well I'm going to have to because my leg is pretty painful. I'm not doing it again. Well, if you will fling yourself into every ball pit and bouncy castle in the home county Z, I'm not surprised you've got a hurty fet lock.

Anyway, while he was trooping the yellow, the best possible example of why you really should pay attention to local politics reared its increasingly fragrant head in the form of an entire city, home of the Peaky Blinders, Spaghetti Junction, whatever's left of UB40, and, as currently in the news, an extremely large number of... Rats as big as cats. They've got rats big as cats, they've got rivers of mould. LAUGHTER Yes, on Monday this week...

Birmingham City Council has declared a major incident... ...to deal with the ever-expanding result of a month-long bin strike. But this brummy black-bag bonanza has shone a timely light on the city's council. Birmingham currently has, to use a technical economics term, no sodding money. To help us root through this mess and dissect whatever sinks its teeth into our leg, I'm joined by The Naked Week's catastrophic economic mismanagement correspondent, Larry Budd. Larry, who's really to blame for this? Oh well Andy, I mean take your pick.

It's either Labour for how they've run the council since 2012, or it's the Tories for cutting £1 billion of its funding during austerity. Hold on. Birmingham isn't the only council to be facing bankruptcy, is it? Absolutely not. 18 councils are at immediate risk of going to the dogs. Birmingham's the only one that's gone to the rats as well. Added to which, according to The Guardian this week, around 75 councils are facing bankruptcy in the near future. So what is the solution? I mean, I think we all know. It's council tax, isn't it? It is, old faithful. Council tax in Birmingham went up 10% last year, and this year it's going up by another 7.5%. That's at the same time as the council is closing libraries, scrapping 100% of arts funding,

cutting £43 million from adult social care and £39 million from children's services. I suppose the children will simply have to make friends with the... Rats as big as cats. LAUGHTER Now, perhaps the most remarkable thing about all this is that despite overseeing something so shambolic it could have been founded by Prince Harry,

the chief executive... LAUGHTER The chief executive of Birmingham City Council is still paid over a quarter of a million pounds a year. So at least they've managed to find that money somewhere, maybe in a bin bag down the back of a flight tip sofa. Still, how else are you going to get someone with enough knowledge and experience to-

Excuse me, I am sorry to interrupt, but this is actually quite urgent. Oh, okay, we are just in the middle of recording. I don't think you... Sorry, who are you? I'm Felicity Hanna. I'm the presenter of Radio 4's Moneybox Live. Oh! APPLAUSE So, what is going on? I think I should be asking you that question, Andy. I am auditing The Naked Week.

What? Why are we getting audited? Moneybox audits every radio four show. Does it? I mean, can't this wait? I'm afraid it cannot. If you're using license fee payers' money... Not much. If you're using license fee payers' money, you have to be able to demonstrate that you can be trusted to use it responsibly.

So we're going through the entire schedule, every program's accounts, making sure there's no unnecessary wasteful expenditure. Tomorrow I'm doing the shipping forecast. I expect all their money's offshore. Right, who are you? I'm Larry. I'm the various titles depending on the story we're covering, correspondent. Whatever, Larry. I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go.

What? Sorry, you're firing Larry. He's been on less than half of one episode. He is terrible value for money. Off you go. We've got shipping forecast joke. Yes, but homicide. Yeah, she does have a point. Larry, off you go. Right. Where were we? Well, you were going through our books.

Yes, there were a few things that really leapt out. What is Naked Week energy? And tell me it's not that dodgy TikTok minge song. There are a few things that really leapt out. What is Naked Week Energy? And tell me it's not that dodgy TikTok minge song. No, no, no, no, no, no. Actually, inspired by Nottingham City Council, we spent lots of cash setting up our own energy firm. Oh yes, I have got the figures.

Look. Just like Nottingham's attempt, Naked Week Energy subsequently collapsed, costing the taxpayer almost 40 million pounds. Well, okay, but you win some, you lose some. Okay. This is a strange one. It says in your accounts that The Naked Week is spending almost £10,000 a year renting an office in Brussels. Why?

Oh, well, that's easy. We actually copied Kent County Council, who, like us, did this for no apparent reason. LAUGHTER And the figures? Kent County Council are currently £740 million in debt. Okay, but everyone has overheads, alright? What's the big deal? We have the rest of our portfolio to bring in the cash.

Okay, good point. It says here you invested in a water company. Yep. Naked Wheat Water. Enfield Council did it, so we copied them. And? It increased their debt to 1.1 billion pounds. Okay, what is the Naked Village? Tell me, tell me it is not a radio for nudist colony. Oh no, no no no no no no. It's that in 2020 Central Bedfordshire Council set up its own home-building

company so the Naked Wheat did the same. And the accounts say? It cost £600,000 a year for four years and then the council mothballed it before building a single home. And finally, you spent £300 on a gong that you've only used once. I'm going to take that. I can use it again. No? It's too late, Andy.

In short, the Naked Week has overspent, and I'm going to have to shut you down and confiscate your assets. Stand up. Why? I'm taking your chair. Okay. Don't clap that! And what are these lights for? They're, uh, because the audience...

It's radio. You don't need them. Okay, I do need to read the credits. Well, you should have thought of that before you overspent your budget. OK. The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray, with guest correspondent Larry Budd, and from Money Box Live, Felicity Hanna. Sorry, no, no, you can't afford the music. You'll have to do without it.

OK. It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Caredding, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster and Jason Haisley, with investigations team Cat Neelan, Louis Mian, Matt Brown and Freya Shaw. Do you really need these microphones? Yeah, kind of, yeah. You don't need that many. Look, I'll take this one. You can use that one. Okay. Additional material by Carl Minns, Pete Redfern and Darren Phillips. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes. Sorry, no, I'm going to have to take this one as well.

The Naked Week is an unusual production for BBC Radio... Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor. That has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains

from history and try to work out were they evil or genius. Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed. But if like me you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane. Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed. Somewhere on the frontier between thought and reality exists the Discworld, a parallel time and place which might sound and smell very much like our own, but which looks completely different.

Enjoy seven full cast BBC radio dramatizations of Terry Pratchett's novels. And what was your previous position? I beg your pardon? What did you do for a living? I ushered souls into the next world. Start listening to Terry Pratchett, the BBC Radio Drama Collection, available to purchase wherever you get your audiobooks.