Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep6. Parties, polycules, and pardoning

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

This week, The Naked Week team look at Your Party, join a polycule, and bestow some Christmas pardons.From host Andrew Hunter Murray and The Skewer's Jon Holmes, Radio 4’s newest Friday night comedy The Naked Week returns with a blend of the silly and serious. From satirical stunts to studio set pieces via guest correspondents and investigative journalism, it's a bold, audacious take not only on the week’s news, but also the way it’s packaged and presented.Host: Andrew Hunter Murray Guests: Rosie Holt, Leanne Yau The Naked Week Carol Singers: Fiona Mundy, Holly Alderson, Kayley Williams, Molly PunshonInvestigations Team: Cat Neilan, Cormac Kehoe, Freya ShawWritten by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Jason Hazeley James KettleAdditional Material: Karl Minns Joe Topping Cooper Mawhinny Sweryt David Riffkin WH AudenLive Sound: Jerry Peal Post Production: Tony Churnside Clip Assistant: David Riffkin Production Assistant: Molly PunshonAssistant Producer: Katie Sayer Producer and Director: Jon HolmesExecutive Producer: Phil Abrams.An unusual production for BBC Radio 4

Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray. Welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine the Today program, if it had drunk Tumbridge Wells' tap water without boiling it. Coming up on the Naked Week this week, with looming Doctor Strikes, Health Secretary Wes Streeting explains his radical new plans. If there weren't patients, the NHS would run more smoothly. Yeah, Britain. If you could just stop getting old, ill, pregnant or injured,

we could have a health service that's the envy of the world. Press for details. Richard Tice is asked to name Nigel Farage's constituency. Clapture. Oh, very close, Richard. Very close. And to be fair, closer than Nigel's guest. And Jeremy Vine is unable to attend his BBC board interview

to become the next director general. I told them I was having my bikini line waxed and I would send a photo. and they did not reply. Jeremy, the BBC prefer their DG's O'Naturel. It's called Bush House for a reason, you know. Another week, another labour of love for labour,

as they continue to labour for everyone's love, only to find that everyone finds labouring for any kind of love for labour, simply too laborious. This week, it's all been about misleading. Did Rachel mislead the nation? Did Rachel mislead Parliament? Why does Keir continue to miss as a leader? When asked directly if she had lied,

Reeves had an astonishing excuse in response, one that literally nobody could fault. Did you lie? Look, I'm a Labour Chancellor. No further questions, Your Honour. This week was also brought to us by the letters O, B and R. As following the C-O-C-K up when the budget was leaked early, the head of the Office for Budget Responsibility

took responsibility and resigned, breaking the news just half an hour before he did so. Now, while Labour are busy enjoying all the post-budget bounce of a bungee jumper who's forgotten to tie the other end to the platform, Liverpool at the weekend played host to the very first conference of the left-wing alternative known as Your Party.

Now, your party may not be your party, but their name seems to suggest they are. Your party, which may or may not be your party, formalised their name at the conference as a result of a member's ballot. And after those three people had voted, Jeremy... Very unkind. Jeremy announced the name... Your party is the name of your party.

And for candidates, your deposit is the name of your deposit that you won't be getting back. But... To be fair to Jeremy, the name choice does have a certain logic to it. So on every doorstep, you can't... They say, who are you, say, it's your party. It's your party. It's your party! Before adding, and you can cry if you want to,

because the householder will already be wetting themselves laughing at the name. Now, anyone remotely familiar with quantum mechanics and, in particular, wave function collapse, and I'm talking to you, Vernon Kay, would struggle to understand this new party, which, if I've got this right, had not one leader, but two leaders who don't get on, one of whom both boycotted

and attended the conference at the same time and I'm sorry I think I'm approaching an event horizon up until now your party whether or not they are your party has been led by Jeremy Corbyn and Zara Sultana who despite an ostensibly common cause are always likely to turn on each other a bit like Fred and Rose West but with more pamphlets

now in the timeline leading up to the creation of a party so terrible that it's rivaled only by that one at Michael Barrymore's house. Trust me, it was rubbish. Back in the summer, Zara Sultan launched a membership drive that Corbyn then said was unauthorised before launching a rival membership drive of his own. But perhaps the most extraordinary story of the whole conference

was this headline pertaining to one of your party's founders from the politics home website. Independent MP Ayub Khan says he once killed a dog. to save a baby's life. Right. Could be worse, could be the other way around. I mean, to be fair, as a CV point, it certainly beats my dad was a toolmaker,

or any of the stuff Rachel Reeves made up. Now, it would appear the dog in question was a Rottweiler, and Kahn was quoted in the piece saying... It was either a baby being mauled or restraining a dog, unfortunately in the process the dog lost its life I'm sure we can all picture the scene but in case you're getting

the wrong idea of that scene the piece later got one of the greatest corrections I have ever seen this post has been updated to include additional details about the incident involving Khan and the dog a previous reference to bare hands has been removed

seriously how are there any problems in your party? They've got a man who can lethally restrain a Rottweiler without using his hands. Who's stepping out of line? Not me. Now, I note that if there's one thing the British Fire Left can take, it's a joke. And I don't want them to feel they're being misrepresented, because at one point in the weekend, the chair of the conference said, we have a very important battle outside of this room, and it's called the very right-wing media. Yeah, but they've got Simon Heffer and you've got a man who can kill

Rottweiler's hands free. Back yourselves, guys. Now, we at The Naked Week don't normally describe ourselves as the right wing media, although we do work for the same company as Chris Mason. So we sent one of our correspondents along to the Your Party Conference to find out what it was really all about. With her conference report, please welcome our clips of things that definitely happened at the conference correspondent. It's Rosie Holt. Thanks, Sandy, you floating blob of imperialist scum. When we arrived at the conference, Jeremy Corbyn gave a stirring address.

Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club. Which really set the tone for the whole weekend. Now, by this time, we were wondering where Zara Sultanah was. We learnt she was boycotting the first day, but she did send a message of support. Any of you Picks move And I'll execute every mother

Last one of you Now in the evening There were all sorts of activities laid on I went to a poetry reading A craft workshop And watched a man Lethally restrain a Rottweiler Without using his hands

But do you know Despite all the ups and downs Overall I feel that as a party The Conference brought everyone involved closer together. After all, as Jeremy said of Zara Sultanah in his closing remarks...

I will find you. And I will kill you. Although he did say he wouldn't use his bare hands. Brody Holt, everybody. So, yes, your party, whether or not they are your party, decided that rather than having one single leader,

they would be led by a 16 strong executive committee. having looked at the whole thing and gone, you know what this weak broth needs? More cooks! Now, as you know, we at the naked week, we like to help. And what we need is someone who can help your party navigate the inevitable, complex relationships between their 16 new leaders.

They are opening up the relationship. So what we need is someone who knows how juggling this kind of thing really works. And that's why we've booked a counseling session with polyamory expert, Leanne Yow! Hello, Leanne, welcome to The Naked Week. So can you please tell us a little bit more about polyamory? I'm guessing it's not a dating app for parrots.

So if you're monogamous, it means that you're in a relationship with one other person, such as if you're married or in a long-term relationship. Think husband and wife, husband and husband or wife and wife. Ed Davey and Waterslides. Exactly. Whereas if you're polyamorous, it means that rather than just being in one relationship, you can be with multiple people at the same time. Okay, so your party now have 16 people in the leadership relationship

all shafting one another simultaneously. I mean, it feels very opposite, but 16, is that too many? So, what they're doing is what I would call a kitchen table-style polycule. Okay, I mean, that sounds very unhygienic off the bat. Okay, Leanne, well, I think I'll try and put some questions to you now to help us guide the your party collective leadership model through their first steps as a polycule, which is a sentence that before last weekend,

I could not imagine myself saying. There's been a lot of debate about whether your party should accept members who are also members of other parties like the Socialist Workers' Party. What would you advise? Well, polyfidelity is what you call it when everyone in the polycule is loyal to the polycule and not dating anyone outside the group. So I would suggest that your party opts for polyfidelity

if they don't want members to be what we call fluid bonding with the socialist workers' party. Right. That's very clear. That's very clear. And coincidentally, fluid bonding with the socialist workers' party was the name of my band at school. And when I say band, I mean youth orchestra.

And when I say youth orchestra, I mean historical reenactment society. But look, moving on. question, Leanne. How do you make sure that everyone stays happy in a polycule in order to make the relationship last? It absolutely can last long term, as long as everyone has compatible visions for the... Leanne, we're talking about your party. They're absolutely doomed. Thank you very much. Polyamary experts. This is the Naked Week on Radio 4, where it is time once again to take a quiet moment of calm and swim in the healing waters of current affairs. It's the news in haikus

Russia snubs peace deal war must stop says the world rah rah raps Putin The news in haikus Now, it's beginning to look a lot like early December,

but inevitably, the deluge of seasonal rectangular waste, aka Christmas cards, has begun. And as you'd expect, the Naked Week has been inundated with festive messages. Rosie Holt is the Naked Week's inundated with festive messages correspondent, and she's got a stack of cards for us to open, haven't you, Rosie? Yes. It's like when we were going through all the Naked Week's death threats. Ah, yes.

Received or sent? Either. Okay, okay. Who's your first card from, Rosie? It's from the Kremlin. Oh. And it offers glad tidings and goodwill to all men. Oh, wait, there's something on the back.

Just kidding, psych. Bit of a waste of a stamp, if you ask me. Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't lick it. All right. Let's have another one. This says, Dear the Naked Week, wishing you a very merry Christmas. P.S.

Stop calling me a haunted potato. I'm not a haunted potato. If you call me a haunted potato one more time, there'll be trouble. And that's from BBC board member and haunted potato, Robbie Gibb. Thank you, Robbie. Thank, Robbie. Enjoy those Christmas dinner roasties. Right, Rosie, who's next for you?

Yes, it's from the Green Party leader, Zach Polanski. Oh. And it says, dear Andy and Rosie, season's greetings, I hope the enclosed might prove useful. Oh, you said it's a gift. Thank you so much, Zach. That's lovely. What is it?

coupon for 10 free sessions of breast enlargement hypnotherapy. Well, terrific. New year, new me. Thank you, Zach. Right, I've got one here with an, oh, it's got an airmail stamp, and it says, the swallow flies south for the winter, activate Project Volga. Oh, hang on, sorry. Oh, this has been misdirected.

This is for Reform Head Office. Okay. Now, this one I know is from Angela Raina. Well, you haven't opened it yet. How can you tell? Two return addresses. Lovely, lovely, fair enough. And just one last one for me.

It says, Dear the Naked Week, as requested, please find a full unredacted list of everyone in the Epstein files, starting with Donald. Do you know what, that's quite enough? Business is coming for this year. Brody Hartz, everybody. You're listening to The Naked Week. In the week when Nigel Farage said...

So I want an apology from the BBC for virtually everything you did throughout the 1970s and 80s. What's bagpuss done to him? And speaking of much-loved children's favourites, it's time to welcome the Naked Week's investigation clangor and observer Whitehall editor. It's Kat Neelan.

So, Kat, we've been... been looking at voter concerns covering everything from companies not paying tax to the Kremlin, childishly slagging off the BBC like a nuclear-powered Reddit ship poster. What is concerning us in the last week of this series? How about housing, Andy? Since you ask, I'm planning to hibernate until the next series under the Today's studio desk. I find Amal Rajan's voice helps me drift off. You and me both. But unfortunately, some people don't have that luxury. In the last decade and half, the pressure on local authority housing has been relentless. Okay, so we are talking about government subsidised housing.

Yes. Let me take you back to when Shadow Chancellor and Future another man with a podcast, George Osborne, said this. We are all in this together. And then in peak Skinny Jeans era when he was the actual Chancellor, he said... We are still all in this together. Okay. So can I check what this is exactly? I mean, it can't be austerity because that ended ages ago.

Yeah. During peak austerity, we saw the rise of a previously little-known temporary housing scheme called supported exempt accommodation. Okay, so what is that? Well, it's a system designed specifically to house vulnerable people, like those with substance abuse issues, or people escaping domestic violence. Okay, supported exempt accommodation. It sounds like a good idea. What is it exempt from? From housing benefit regulation, which means there's no cap on rent and no meaningful oversight. Okay, call me cynical, but that seems like it could attract bad. actors, and I don't mean the sort of bad actors you see on Jules Holland's Hootananny every

year, pretending, A, that it isn't May, and B, that they're having fun watching a piano thumping cockney owl. You'd still go on it if I'd ask there, right? I absolutely would. Please ring, Jules. Houtanani? Houtan. Also, hootanani sounds like something Wayne Rooney does when he drives past a pensioner. But...

Anyway, so we've got this housing system with a name that practically screams, please take advantage of me. And as The Naked Week has discovered, it transpires that people have been doing exactly that, particularly in the epicentre of the scheme, Birmingham. Yes, Birmingham City of ongoing bin strikes and worse, ongoing Adrian Childs. As the eternal question has it, Cat, why Birmingham?

Because there are currently around 30, 30,000 exempt accommodation units in the city. Is that a lot? It's such a ridiculous high number that, according to our sources, other local authorities have been sending people to Birmingham to house them and boost their own rates of tackling the housing crisis. And how much is all of this costing the good people of Birmingham? And Adrian Childs?

It's not just Birmingham, Andy. Because of the way this is structured, central government, i.e., the nation's taxpayers, is picking up Birmingham's bill. And the naked weak sources say that the cost has soared to around 400,000. million pounds a year. So 400 million pounds, I would presume that for that kind of money, you could get quite a lot of quite decent accommodation. You'd think so, Andy. But the Naked Week has found evidence of substandard conditions and practices. What kind of thing? Firstly, it's up to these firms to establish whether their tenants have specific needs and to provide

sufficient support beyond what the council deems a minimal level. However, when one of our reporters posed as a potential resident and responded to gum tree ads for supported housing in Birmingham, the only question they were consistently asked was if they were on benefits. So no other checks? In the majority of instances, no. For one listing in Sparkbrook that said it was for women only, our reporter gave what was clearly a male name and got accepted anyway. But now we were intrigued. So we sent our reporter to Birmingham to speak to outreach workers and residents of supported accommodation. They told us about buildings with no electricity or heating, units with three kids and one adult crammed into a single bedroom, vermin infestation,

recovering drug addicts being housed with known users and claims that some support workers themselves were selling drugs in these properties. It's not the most cheerful episode of location, location, location, isn't it? One source told the Naked Week, trying to find out who owns the property is just a nightmare. There's no information, no phone number, and there's a fear of repercussions.

If tenants rock the boat, they will be kicked out at the drop of a hat. In addition, the Birmingham Mail has recently detailed countless reports of thefts, break-ins, harassment and arson. Right, I think I've got it now. So people who should be safe and supported are actually living at massive expense in cramped, cold, dilapidated, crime-riddled, rat-infested buildings.

In Birmingham. Stuck in a system which is so unregulated, there aren't even any safeguarding rules to prevent a victim of domestic abuse, potentially being housed alongside a convicted domestic abuser. Now, we asked Birmingham Council to respond to all this, and they sent us a really unbelievably long email, so we've edited the salient points together. Kat, this is BBC Trump territory. We cannot just edit quotes together out of context. We can't do that. Don't worry. We've

come up with a solution, as you'll hear. The Council is aware that some providers have been using inappropriate methods to attract tenants into this type of accommodation. Edit! The Council has been a long-standing advocate for regulatory reform to raise standards across the sector. Edit! It is disappointing to see further examples of poor practice. I don't know why Panorama didn't just do that. That's brilliant. I assume the government is doing something about this. Well, in 2023, a bill was passed that would control these schemes.

Okay. But that legislation still hasn't been implemented. The government told the naked week, This act has not been forgotten, and we are absolutely committed to improving the quality of supported housing. Edit! This legislation is a priority for the government, and implement it. We'll begin next month. Okay, great.

But the bill included a requirement to implement parts of it within a year of its passing. So in the last two years, the only thing the bill has actually achieved is to violate its own requirements. And if the sheer existential stupidity of that doesn't make you want to scream

from now until New Year's Eve, I don't know what would. New Year's Eve? And that's perfect timing. That's just in time for Hootid Annie! Who to Danny? Thank you.

Cat Leland, everybody. Still to come on The Naked Week. Things have got so bad for Starmor and Reeves that on Andrew Maher's LBC show, even Darth Vader was struggling to defend them. Do you think that they should go if things don't improve? I think that's a decision for the Parliamentary of the Labour Party. I find your lack of faith disturbing, Mar.

Especially after they scrap the two-droid benefit cap. And more evidence that the BBC is being incredibly rigorous with its fact-checking after the panorama Trump debunked. Here's Sophie Rayworth on Tuesday 6 o'clock news. In Moscow with President Putin, the U.S. special envoy, Steve Witkoff, and President Putin's son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Does explain a lot, doesn't it? Right. It's nearly the end of the series, and it's also nearly Christmas.

In the USA, they've already had Thanksgiving. We don't have that because we have nothing to give thanks. Thanks for, we're just looking for someone to blame for putting us through this unending misery. We don't call it Thanksgiving, we call it Reeves taking. As is tradition, Donald Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys. This year, they were called gobble and waddle after two of the different stages of having sex with Bill Clinton. As I say, usually two, but this time, that's not how it went down. go and give gobble, waddle.

The waddles, by the way, is missing an action, but that's okay. We'll pretend waddle is here. All right, Mr. Fake News. But hang on, what has he done with that other turkey? I mean, I don't want to cause alarm, but there is a very real danger. He's put it in charge of U.S. health care. Of course, Trump doesn't just pardon turkeys. That would be mad.

Earlier this week, he also pardoned the drug trafficking former president of Honduras, which is a bit confusing, given he, He seems to want to go to war with Venezuela over their drug trafficking. But then, we should not really be expecting consistency from the Oval Office. It might as well be waddle in there, crapping on the desk and holding the nuclear codes in his beak. Maybe it's just the time of year, but everyone seems to have gone pardon mad. This week, even Benjamin Netanyahu sought a pardon from Israel's president as a sign of regret for the things that he's done.

Although, he's also made it clear he didn't do them in the first place, and if he had done them, he wouldn't regret it anyway. And that's why Edith Piaf songs don't translate well into Hebrew. Now, in this country, we don't pardon people so much. What we do instead is lock them up and then accidentally release them. It's functionally the same, but there's just more sport to it. However, seeing as everything American now comes over here from school proms to race riots, we thought we'd try it. I'm joined by our festive pardoning correspondent, Rosie Holt.

Rosie, talk me through what we're doing here. Well, Andy, as you know in Britain, we tend to have a, you did the crime, you do the time policy. Whereas in the US, the approach is more. If you did the crime and don't want to do the time and can get the White House on the line, you'll probably be fine. It's the Constitution by Dr. Seuss. But that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people

who deserve to be let off the hook this festive season. So, who are we considering pardons for? Nick Mohamed on traitors for getting it wrong right at the end and making us all shout at the television. Pardoned. Tim Davy, he knew not what he did, nor anything about how to do it. Pardoned, pardoned.

That couple from the Coldplay concert. Uh... Only partially pardoned because they also do like Coldplay, which is unforgivable. The journalist who wrote this headline, in the obituary for the great playwright Tom Stoppard. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade co-writer Tom Stoppard, dead at 88. It's what he would have wanted.

It's difficult being a journalist, pardoned. The Radio 4 Commissioner who thought Ray Winston was the right person to present a documentary about the 15th century mystic Marjorie Kemp. Marjorie Kemp always tells it like it is, but in medieval England, such straight talking could get a woman killed. That's the greatest show ever made. Pardoned.

President Zelensky would like a pardon for not wearing a suit to the Oval Office. Granted. And President Zelensky would like another pardon for not kicking seven shades out of J.D. Vance when he had the opportunity. Denied. Do better, Vladimir. Don't look a grift horse in the mouth.

Any more? Donald Trump? Absolutely not. She'll be in jail. Hang on. Andy. What's that? Rosie. Do I hear carol singers? They're at the door.

Carol singers, come in, come in. We've got carol singers, everybody. This is my two. That's nice to me. Five dollars. Oh, welcome, carol singers. This is so lovely for Christmas on the Naked Week. Thank you. Just to be serious for a moment,

I should probably warn you that this is the BBC and, you know, what with recent events, we've had to run everything through BBC Verifies, so I'm afraid that does include Christmas carols. But please do. Sing us out for the end of the series. Once in Royal David City. Sorry, that's...

indisputed territory. Let's not do that one. Oh, little town of Bethlehem House to... No, no, also on the West Bank. Controversial, please move on. I saw three ships from sailing in concert. Migrant dinghies, migrant dinghies. Send them back the ground, let's go. Oh, calm or ye faithful. No, you can't do, oh, come or you faithful. That'll offend everyone who was excluded

from the your party conference. We three kings of Oriental. It's a firm note of the Royal. Oh, shepherds watch their flocks by night. What, post-inheritance tax on farms? I don't think so. Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel. No, no, no, no, more evidence from the Epstein files.

We don't want that. Wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you... It's not likely, is it, given the rest of the year. In the bleak midwinter... That's more like it. The naked, weak, cow, sing. everybody. Happy Christmas from The Naked Week and goodbye! The Naked Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter Murray,

with guest correspondent Rosie Holt, Pollyamory, Educated Leanne Yow and the Naked Week Carol Singers, Fiona, Fiona, Haley and Molley. It was written by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Garrick, Jason Hazley and James Cattle, with Investigations team Katneedin, Kornack Kehoe and Freya Shaw. Additional material by Carl Mings, Joe Topping, Cooper Mawinie Swirt and David Rifkin. And the joke about having sex with Bill Clinton was sent in by W.H. Orden. The Naked Week is produced and directed by John Holmes, and it's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4.

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