Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The Naked Week: Ep6. Tariffs, Theme Parks, and Twister.

Episode Date: April 18, 2025

The Naked Week team are back to place satirical news-tariffs on current events with a mix of correspondents, guests and, occasionally, live animals.This week we mourn the death of globalisation, take a tour of Keir's new theme park, and play a game of BBC Balance Local Elections Naked Week Joke Twister.From The Skewer’s Jon Holmes and host Andrew Hunter Murray comes The Naked Week, a fresh way of dressing the week’s news in the altogether and parading it around for everyone to laugh at.With award-winning writers and a crack team of contemporary satirists - and recorded in front of a live audience - The Naked Week delivers a topical news-nude straight to your ears.Written by: Jon Holmes Katie Sayer Gareth Ceredig Sarah Dempster Jason Hazeley.Investigations Team: Cat Neilan Louis Mian Freya Shaw Matt BrownGuests: Freya Parker and Alicia Fitzgerald.Production Team: Laura Grimshaw, Tony Churnside, Jerry Peal, Katie Sayer, Phoebe Butler.Executive Producer: Philip Abrams Produced and Directed by Jon HolmesAn unusual production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello, I'm Andrew Hunter Murray. Welcome to the Naked Week. Imagine Channel 4 News if Krishnan Guru Murthy blinked first in a trade war with his own tie. This week, after more tariff turbulence, you can criticize him all you like, but at least the US president is bringing back long lost words. Old-fashioned term, but a beautiful term. Eggs.

It's such an old-fashioned term, isn't it? Eggs. So much more elegant than today's term. Hen's arse incubation chamber. LAUGHTER Also this week, there was an unexpected boost to the national mood. Boris Johnson has been attacked by an ostrich. LAUGHTER Good. Good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Would anyone like to hear it oh right shit is alright so it's been a fast-moving ever-changing week but it's been good to have one thing we can be certain of eggs loving Trump will not back down from his tariffs here he is on Monday would you be open to a pause in tariffs to allow for negotiations One thing we can be certain of, eggs-loving Trump will not back down from his tariffs. Here he is on Monday.

Would you be open to a pause in tariffs to allow for negotiations? Well, we're not looking at that. Not looking at that? Not even thinking about it. Then he took to social media to drive the message home. Here's what he wrote. Don't be weak. Don't be stupid. Don't be a panikin. A new party based on weak and stupid people. It says something about how fast this story is moving that we simply don't have time to focus more on the word Panikkan.

But then the White House Press Secretary really made sure that we got the message. President Trump has a spine of steel and he will not break. And America will not break under his leadership. Yes! Trump the unbreakable leader. So the one thing we could be sure of was that Trump was not going to change his mind on tariffs. And by Wednesday night, he made sure we all understood that loud and clear by saying... And now I've reversed it.

At which point in this story, I wonder, do you think Trump's advisors pointed out to him that he owns rather a lot of stock in Wall Street? Honestly, what a panic, Anne. Laughter Now, before we continue, I'm very sorry to bring the mood down just as we're getting going. I'm afraid I have some rather sad news. Do you think globalisation is now over? Yeah, it's ended. Globalisation, as we've known it for the last number of decades, has come to an end.

Indeed. As foretold by Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Darren Jones, and Chief Weeping Widow to the BBC, Laura Koontzberg, it's my solemn duty to confirm the untimely death of globalization. Gone too soon. So if I could ask those of you now assembled here, and those of you listening at home,

to please stand for the eulogy. If you could please stand. We are gathered here today to commemorate globalization. You brought so much joy into our lives. This week you have made us all Google financial terms like bond yields and unilateral import levies and then accidentally land on a very not safe for work website while searching what is a bear market. Maybe that was just me. But sadly your race is now run, cut down in

your subprime by a hail of trade tariffs, retaliatory trade tariffs, retaliatory retaliatory trade tariffs, an increase of tariffs, the freezing of tariffs, a reversal of tariffs and a critical build-up of emergency the rest is politics podcasts. Please be seated. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Yeah, it's not dead, Andy.

Sorry, what? False alarm. Globalisation is fine. APPLAUSE Yeah, it's not dead, Andy. Sorry, what? False alarm. Globalisation is fine. And you are? Freya Parker, The Naked Week's false alarm. Globalisation's fine correspondent. LAUGHTER Hello, Freya. Hello. Hi.

Andy, I swear, I saw globalisation up and about on Monday afternoon. She looked great. And you know who else saw? This guy. We are also going to work to reduce barriers to trade across the globe, to accelerate trade deals with the rest of the world, and champion the cause of free and open trade right across the globe. Admittedly, those all mean the same thing. But still, does that sound to you like a man who thinks globalisation is dead?

Well, I mean, no. But hang on, over the weekend it was dead. And on the third day... It rose again. You see? It is the season, Andy. And it was all thanks to the Labour top brass heading to somewhere near Birmingham, putting clothes pegs on their noses to block out the smell of the bins, and giving a couple of rousing speeches in front of a Jaguar Land Rover assembly line. Jaguar Land Rover, our leading exporter of goods. Can I just say a big thank you for

making us proud to be British? Sorry, is Jaguar Land Rover not 100% owned by an Indian multinational? LAUGHTER Exactly, Andy. APPLAUSE Death of globalisation? More like Sh-Meth of Shm-O-Bil-Ize Sh-Mation. LAUGHTER

Are you spelling that? I don't know. LAUGHTER I'm not Suzy Dent, Andy. But do you know who is? Keir Starmer. Loves his words, does Keir. He even rolled out some brand new ways of using them this week. Here we are, Monday, with you.

Please read into that, a statement of intent, because it is a statement of intent. A new entry, a new entry in the Labour lexicon. We've had pledges, we've had milestones, we've had steps, we've had missions, and now statements of intent. I mean, forget cars, clearly our most profitable industry is Big Thesaurus. Okay, Sunday, globalization was dead. Monday, St. Keir, Lazarus, did back to life. But Trump's still trying to crush China in his tiny hands.

The White House confirming a 104% tariff. Breaking news, China has retaliated, confirming a 104% tariff. Breaking news, China has retaliated, announcing an 84% tariff. US tariffs on China now total 145%. On Friday, China raised tariffs on US goods to 125%. China's Commerce Ministry said in part, China will fight to the end. China and the US fighting to the end. Truly, the Gallagher Brothers of geopolitics. In that they're not worth nearly what they're charging. But after a whole week of conflicting reports about the demise of globalization, what's the reality?

Could the Naked Weeks survive in a hardline, make Great Britain great again economic environment? To find out, I'm joined by the Naked Weeks hardline, make Great Britain great again economic environment. To find out, I'm joined by The Naked Week's hardline, make Great Britain great again economic environment correspondent, Freya Parker. Freya? LAUGHTER Hi, Andy. LAUGHTER Does this show need other countries?

In theory, no. The Naked Week could survive as an anti-globalist, hermetically sealed British show with no foreign influences whatsoever. Great! I mean, you'd have to change the title. Why? Well, the word weak comes from the Old English wick, which is Germanic in origin.

And being naked technically comes from the Garden of Eden, which simply can't have been in the UK, because no true Brit would have enough body competence to strut about in drizzle wearing a fig leaf. LAUGHTER Um, okay, well what would be a 100% pure British title for this show? If you'd want to keep it truly British, I think you'd have to call it something like... the...

LAUGHTER Basically no words, just a sort of disappointed sigh. The sort of noise that you make, you know when you wake up in a travel lodge. You know what I mean? Okay, what would an episode of BBC Radio 4's The... Ugh. Contain? Well, no jokes, that's for sure.

No change there? Yes. You were all thinking, no jokes, that's for sure. No change there? Yes. You were all thinking it. Okay, but why? Why no jokes? Because the concept of jokes actually originated in ancient Mesopotamia, and the first ever written down joke was about 4,000 years ago for series seven of Have I Got News For You. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah!

OK, so no title, no jokes. Do we get microphones? Maybe. If you credit David Edward Hughes as the inventor, but then the sound mixer they're plugged into is American. And the table the microphones are sitting on is... Oh, yeah, haven't we? Just a sec. Oh, it's being

held up by a Filipino child, what? Yes. He said he wanted to work in show business, so... And also you wouldn't have any way of broadcasting the show seeing as radio is Italian. What if we just gave people the scripts to read? You're forgetting about the printing press. Witches? No, it's nothing to do with witches. It's German. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. It's German and paper is Chinese. What about you? Any non-white British ancestry? Actually, no. No way. Wow.

But you couldn't wear that suit, seeing as it looks like it was made in a sweatshirt by six-year-old Ricardo under the table here How dare you? This suit is genuine 100% Italian Just like the Dolmia puppets No, to be honest Andy if you wanted to make a truly Anti-globalist episode of the Naked Week, it would probably boil down to just you wearing a hundred percent Harris tweed singing green sleeves into a radish.

Bring it on did you say? Globalization lives on. Thank you Freya! You're listening to The Naked Week on Radio 4, where it's time once more for us to join hands and, in the spirit of topical togetherness, stroll through the quiet garden of current affairs contemplation. It's the news in haikus. Charles and Camilla, 20 years! More like 45, says Diana. For our last ever episode, it's the news in Haikus. So in the midst of the whole world continuing to collapse our glorious leader tried to cheer us all up this week. Someone comes and says, would you like to launch a theme park?

A theme park! Would you like to launch a theme park? A theme park! He's excited, we're excited, it's so exciting! A new theme park and it's in Bedford! LAUGHTER HONKING LAUGHTER But no, it is exciting because The Naked Week has managed to get hold of some of the theme park plans.

Joining me now is The Naked Week's Some of the theme park plans correspondent, Freya Parker. Freya, what have we got? The global markets coaster. It just drops. There's the Trumpet cast, they just indiscriminately smash around with no sense of direction completely out of control. The Thames water log flume.

It's pretty self-explanatory, but do keep your mouth closed on the ride. Yes. Please. There's the HS2 ghost train. The northern leg of that. The northern leg has been cancelled. There's Russell Brand's heavy petting zoo. Oh. I'm sorry, that's been cordoned off with police tape. Unfortunately, the teacups are closed because of tariffs on China. No, you get stuffed. It's the last in the series. You're listening to The Naked Week, in the week when Prince Harry began his latest UK court battle. And speaking of pedigree chumps, it's time once again to grab the plastic bag of investigative journalism

and trail behind a leaky Westminster watchdog. To do this, please welcome Tortoise Media's political editor and six-time winner of the Naked Week Award for most convoluted canine-based introduction, it's Kat Neelan! Cat, it's the last in the current series. What's our grand finale? Actually, Andy, we're going back to the watchdog where it all began. The Electoral Commission. Ah, the original lassie trying to drag political sleaze out of the well. So in episode one of this series, we looked at a millionaire businessman making donations to senior Labour MPs, some of which were only registered with the watchdog after the Naked Week pointed them out. Is that right?

Yes. Although the Electoral Commission does in theory regulate donations from individuals and individual companies, there's also a little-known third way to give money to politicians called unincorporated associations. Which are? Damn. Which are? Damn. As a House of Commons report put out earlier this year, So hold on, even though there are very explicit rules against foreign money entering UK politics, anyone from anywhere can donate to our politicians or parties through an unincorporated association.

With no checks on who they are, or where the money's from, or what kind of influence they might hope to buy with those donations. Pretty much. OK, are there any specific examples of overseas money coming in via these associations? There are. Are you familiar with the Carlton Club? The Carlton Club, which is the private members club, formerly the Conservative Party HQ. Yeah, so it probably won't come as a surprise to hear that they donate quite generously to the Tories. And where do they get their money from? Well, since 2020 the Carlton

Club and its political committee have received payments worth £250,000 from a letting and real estate company called Strandbrook limited. Okay, so what's the issue there? The issue is that although it's registered in the UK Strandbrook has a different controlling company registered in Lichtenstein Lichtenstein where famously nothing financially creative has ever happened And this company ultimately based abroad has been giving money to an unincorporated association which has been giving money to the Conservatives. All completely legal, and the Carlton Club political committee told us they had complied with electoral law in respect of all political donations.

But it's also worth noting that until last month, Strandbrook's directors included Henning Conler, a Swiss-German property tycoon who was recently accused of using a frontman to The The owner hasn't commented on the claims and the AFD says they have been assured the donation did not come from him. Of course. But in the UK at least, the company... Oh, excuse me, that's me. Er, just pick that up. Hello? Oh, hang on a second, yes, I'll put you on speaker.

BBC lawyer here. No UK rules have been broken and there's no suggestion of wrongdoing from Strandbrook, the Carlton Club or the Tories. Thank you. Bye bye. Bye bye. Thanks, hastily added libel prevention voiceover. And may I say, where were you for the first five episodes of this series? Cap, presumably though there are stringent requirements for unincorporated associations. Financial records, business bank accounts, that kind of thing.

No. The only requirement for an unincorporated association is that if it donates more than £37,270 per calendar year, it has to give the regulator a few extremely basic details. Okay, what if they don't want to give the regulator those few extremely basic details but they do want to donate more than that weirdly specific amount of money? Then they can create another unincorporated association and carry on donating until they've reached that threshold again. Then create another, then another, then another and so on. It's seemingly limitless. Oh, like Ed Davey's capacity to embarrass the nation. But hang on, we still haven't defined what exactly an unincorporated association is.

Conveniently for us, Andy, the regulator has... An association of individuals who've come together to carry out a shared purpose Is that it that's it that's the vaguest thing I've ever heard and I've heard Robert Peston ask a question So according to the watchdog practically any group of people with a shared purpose could be an unincorporated association. Bell ringers, your 10-year-old niece's birthday party, fight club. Yes, to all of those. Individuals who have come together to carry out a shared purpose. Wait a second, Kat, that could define everyone in this room.

We're all here for a shared purpose. And that is to listen once again to Boris Johnson being attacked by an ostrich. Oh, great! And that is to listen once again to Boris Johnson being attacked to power in ostrich. Oh great! It's so cheering, it's so cheering. But hypothetically Kat, if the Naked Week wanted to funnel billions of pounds into British politics, could we form our own unincorporated association right here and now? Andy, we absolutely could. Yes!

Let's do it. What do we need? You need a name and some written rules. Written on what? Anything. Doesn't matter. As long as they're written down. Genuinely, anything will do.

Oh, great. Okay, well, what about Chris Mason's crop top? He left it here after the recorded AmeriCast this morning. Hang on. Honestly, anything. There it is. I've got a Sharpie here, so I'm going to write on it. Cat, are you sure this is the official, legitimate, legal method for creating an unincorporated

association? Astonishingly, yes, it really is. And it doesn't cost anything. And you don't have to register with any regulator. Okay, that is incredible. So I'm just going to write a Naked Week unincorporated association. And you said we need some rules? Well, that's easy. The first rule of the Naked Week unincorporated association is you do not talk about the Naked Week unincorporated association. Right, done.

And now you can give as much money as you like from any part of the world to any UK politician or party. But you know what? We're feeling generous. We might want to donate more than 37,270 quid a year without giving any details to the regulator. So let's have a second one set up just in case. So I'll just scribble this one on this page of the script here. The Naked Week Unincorporated Association. Two brackets overflow, close brackets. Rules, audience, what is the second rule of the Naked Week Unincorporated Association?

You do not talk about the Naked Week Unincorporated Association. Beautiful. Two overflow. Go! And we've got some lawyers in. Great. Congratulations. Everyone here is now part of the biggest regulatory loophole

in Westminster politics, and my work here is done. Wallets out, everybody. Thank you, Kat Neelan. This is The Naked Week on Radio 4. Still to come, Nigel Farage discovers a long-forgotten tattoo of Greta Thunberg. Gross. I couldn't scrub it off this morning, but it will go. LAUGHTER And as he makes his debut on CBeebies Bedtime Stories,

GB News' chief conspiracy peddler Neil Oliver reads the tale of Peter Rabbit and friends. They're kept and used as slaves, used for sex, and then their organs are harvested from their ruined bodies. Sweet dreams, children. Imagine the excitement in the Naked Week production office this week when BBC management slid into our DMs with this kind of red-hot steamy chat. We are now well into the election period for the English local elections

and the runkhorn and Halsby by-election, so at least two notches up on the impartiality dial this week, please. Four. X-rated filthy stuff gives me the runkhorn. But... But as we're now in an election period, this is to remind us that we need to be impartial in our coverage. The idea being that you, the listening public, could well be swayed in your voting intentions

if, for example, we were to say the word bad-a-knock without immediately adding the word good-a-knock. Good a knock. Now, historically, the pre-election period which elicits exciting emails from management is called Perda, a word of Muslim origin which means curtain or veil. But what is it? When is it? Why is it? How does it apply to elections? And if it's a Muslim word, do we also need a Jewish one for balance? To talk us through all of this, please welcome to the podium journalist, Alicia Fitzgerald.

Woo! Hi, Alicia. Now, you have reported on Perda. I have, indeed. So Perda she wrote. You know, if you didn't like that, you're going to hate the next three minutes. Alicia, tell us about Perda and how it impacts local election coverage. Well, Andy, there are 23 elections for councils across England contesting 1,641 seats.

While general elections can be called any time of year, these local elections tend to be in spring. So they're not midsummer purders? Got it. Now you're warming up. Well to be honest, technically they're not really purder at all. I quote the definition. Purder is the official period between the announcement of an election and the formation of the newly elected government, but it isn't called Perda in local elections. So general elections are the only Perdas in the building?

I mean... Look, while Perda applies to government officials, broadcasters also have a duty of impartiality and have to make sure their coverage of the election meets the Ofcom broadcasting code. So meat is perda. Specifically the section on due impartiality and due accuracy and undue prominence of views and opinions. And we would have to dance around those rules. Are you going to say perda on the dance floor?

Are you going to say Perda on the dance floor? LAUGHTER Well, I was. I'm not now. LAUGHTER At the BBC's own election guidelines, say this. The order in which parties or candidates appear or are introduced in discussions should normally be editorially driven. However, programme makers should take care to ensure that they vary this order so that no fixed or unfair pattern emerges

in the course of the campaign. That really sounds like a bit of a dial-em-er for purder. Come on, it's the last in the series. Look, I guess the main thing, really, is that you have to provide equal coverage of all the larger parties. So if you're making any jokes about parties who are standing for election, you must be balanced.

OK, great advice. Now, as you know, we at The Naked Week like to lend a hand, not least to our fellow broadcasters. So to help any BBC programme in this period of heightened election sensitivity, we have come up with a foolproof plan. With the details, I'm also joined by our We've Come Up With a Foolproof Plan correspondent, Freya Parker. Freya, I know the BBC spend a lot of time and resources on getting things right.

What have we got? What we've got, Andy, is a game of Twister. LAUGHTER OK. Note that the colours on a Twister mat reflect the colours of the main parties. Red, blue, yellow and green. What about reform? We'd have to include reform? Yeah, we do have to include them, which is why I've drawn

some turquoise circles on the mat over on the right. Or the left, or the left. Depending on balance and also which way up the mat is. Yeah, so we have a twister mat here. It's taped to the floor. Yeah, and I'm gonna be playing twister on my own. Yes. Okay, story of my life. Um... LAUGHTER Talk me through how it's going to work.

Okay, so what's going to happen is every time the spinny spinner thing dictates, you have to put a hand or a foot on a colour, and then you're going to have to tell a joke about the party of that colour while you are literally balancing... Oh! ..on the mat. But the spinny spinner thing is random. How can we be sure we'll be telling an equal number of jokes about each party?

Because of a special broadcasting trick, Andy, known as the edit. Ah. Of course. Of course. This is brilliant. They should do this on Question Time. And Fiona, if you're listening, you can borrow this after us. But please do give it a wipe before you return it. OK. But there we give it a wipe before you return it. OK.

But there we go. Let's play BBC Balance Local Elections Naked Week drug twister. Yeah. OK, right foot blue. OK, right foot blue. OK, blue, Tory. How many current Tory leaders does it take to change a light bulb? None, because apparently now is not the right time for change.

LAUGHTER OK, left hand, red. OK. Left, left, red, lay boat. Red, lay boat, yep. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Perfectly able to work, according to Wes Streeting. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, left hand, green. You're perfectly able to work, according to Wes Streeting. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

OK, left hand green. Left hand green, no problem. Knock, knock. Who's there? The two co-leaders of the Green Party. The two co-leaders of the Green Party who? No idea! LAUGHTER OK, right foot.

Can we hurry this up a little bit, please? Oh, I'm going as fast as I can. Are you? Right foot yellow. It's already on yellow. Oh, it doesn't matter. It's just a conceit for a comedy show tonight. No. Yellow, Lib Dem.

Why did Ed Davey cross the road? Because he was on a space hopper, and it seemed like a fun way to connect with the electorate. OK, left hand, turquoise. Left hand, turquoise. Why is Reform's official colour turquoise? Because this is the colour of Lee Anderson's face when he's asked for his pronouns.

LAUGHTER OK, and, oh, I'm slightly between two colours here. That's fine, I have a contingency for that. Here it is. Five MPs, one from each of the larger parties, walk into a bar. The barman says, I didn't agree to be in this joke.

I didn't know you were coming in here, and I do not endorse any of you. No, I've lost it. I've lost my balance. Ricardo, Ricardo, help me out. The Making Week was hosted by me, Andrew Hunter-Murray, with guest correspondent Freya Parker and guest Alicia Fitzgerald.

It was written by John Holmes, Gareth Caretta, Katie Sayer, Sarah Dempster and Jason Haseley with investigations team Kat Neeland, Louis Mian, Matt Brown and Freya Shaw. Additional material by Carl Minns, Alice Bright, Bibi Butler, Cooper Mwini-Swerd and Kevin Smith. The Naked Weeks produced and directed by John Holmes. It's an unusual production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen

Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, that has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius. Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed. But if like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane. Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.