Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 10th February

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Mark Steel, Ria Lina, Catherine Bohart and Camilla Long. This week the panel discuss President Zelensky's surprise visit to the UK, Rishi Sunak's cabinet reshuffle and Liz Truss' political comeback.Hosted and written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Zoë Tomalin, Rebecca Bain and Cameron Loxdale. Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Richard Morris Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to the News Quiz! I am... Sorry, I'm Andy Zoltsman. We do need to crack on quickly this week, following a request from former comedian Vladimir Zelensky

that all the points from this week's show are donated to Ukraine, and we really need to get the show going before the French and German weekly topical radio comedy panel shows beat us to it. So can we just speed up the theme tune a little bit more? Can we just end it now? Thank you. Great. OK, I think we're in. I think we're in before Le Questionnaire des Nouvelles on Radio Catra in France has started.

Or De Quijon Schnitzelel auf dem Neusenschneusen on Radio 4. Also, you might not be able to see this if you're listening to this on the radio, but I'm wearing this special helmet given to me by Zelensky on his trip around Radio 4 yesterday. Massive shipping forecast fan, it turns out. And he's written a special message on it in marker pen, as he tends to do with helmets.

Get a real job, you loser. Very cool. Time to meet our teams this week. Well, we're at a time when the world needs wisdom, and our team names this week have been sent in on social media by listeners with their wise words. These come from listeners with the social media handles at Tory Deputy Chairman Lee and at POTUS Joey B.

And these words of wisdom are, team nobody has ever committed a crime after being executed. And they'll be taking on team never trust a balloon. We'll shorten them to Team Nobody and Team Never. On Team Nobody, we have Catherine Bohart and Ria Lina. And on Team Never, from The Times, Camilla Long, and having spurned the chance to do the Super Bowl halftime show this weekend, in order to appear on the news quiz, it's Mark Steele.

Our first question, this can go to Mark and Camilla. Vladimir Zelensky visited Parliament this week and asked the UK to give him what thing that we are not currently using ourselves, so he might as well have. Political integrity. Close. Any other suggestions? Fighter jets.

Correct. I feel so... I mean, obviously we've all felt really great sympathy for the Ukraine over the last ten months or so, but never, never has it been as bad as it is now because how absolutely horrible does your situation have to be that you think you're going to get help from this government? How awful must your plight be that you think,

well, I suppose we could ask Suella Braverman and Grant Shapps. Because if they do try to help, it'll just be like during the pandemic, they'll sort of waste £23 billion on a plane supply system that doesn't work because it was like James Cleverley's landlord of his pub that ends up getting the contract, so they just supply 50 planes that are made by Airfix. I thought he was very clear about what he wanted, wasn't he? He came over and he said, I'd like this and this and this.

And they were like, maybe. What they probably will give him is they'll say, we can't really give you any of that, but we will go to the end of the path every Thursday and clap. We can manage that. I just stop and then Boris Johnson will just come along in the middle of it and go, I want to, give me a go on the plane. And Nardim Zahar will carelessly forget to hand over the planes

and it'll turn out he's kept them all. He's using them to fly his cats round the garden. And nobody's actually said, we don't actually have that many planes either. Do we have 100 Typhoon jets? Maybe we do, but it seems to me that we don't have that much to give away. We do have the planes. We've just sent them all to Rwanda.

Were you impressed with Zelensky's performance? You know what? We love pomp and circumstance so much. We stood everyone up in a hall and offered him tea. And he's like, thanks for the tea, but I really want planes. Yeah, it's tough when it feels like he would have done better if he'd done it all

in like character as Paddington. You feel like this government would be more receptive to that. I mean, he could have stayed in Ukraine. All he had to do was say, I've got some PPE and they would have given him millions. And he met King Charles and bless him, King Charles is like, we're all thinking of you and we're worried about you. Thank you. I think the world is thinking about us and is worried

about us, but can you give me anything? I'm fine with the tourist attraction element, but like this dude's come over from the middle of a war zone and they're like, we are going to need you to go to the palace. Is that the palace? Just the audacity of being like, come over and see the castle while you're here. He does not have the time. They're terrible with planes anyway. British Airways were in charge. That wouldn't help Zelensky.

They'd sort of have all these jets about to take off and fight against the Russians and then they'd be cancelled and then they'd say, oh, well, if you want to carry the weapons, that's going to be an extra £85. It must be frustrating when you're talking to Rishi knowing he could just take you around the corner to an ATM and just give you the money for the planes himself. Coming to that, there seems to be almost an element of competition

between Britain and the EU over Zelensky's affections. No. Because he visited Paris and Brussels after coming here. So, I mean, do you think... Because there's a lot of talk about Ukraine joining the EU. Should we be pre-empting that now by offering Ukraine the chance to join the United Kingdom? I feel almost certain that's what Boris Johnson has already done. by offering Ukraine the chance to join the United Kingdom.

I feel almost certain that's what Boris Johnson has already done. And what do you think it showed about British politics? You know, was it Parliament showing itself in a good light? Oh, my goodness, Paul Zelensky being licked from head to foot by 100 politicians desperate to be photographed with him. Not actually going to do anything, by the way, but desperate to be photographed with him not actually going to do anything by the way but desperate to be pictured with him and I really thought you know he came over here with this kind of completely honest proposal something really needed and all it just was people just I mean those pictures of him and Rishi dancing around like Top Gun and you just

think what what are they doing? This is just all PR. If you'd actually gone to the producers of Top Gun, they probably got more functioning aircraft than the... Exactly, yeah. Well, there was a really strange part of it, wasn't there, where Boris Johnson said that he was threatened by Vladimir Putin, who said that he would strike him personally, pretty much, I think,

with a nuclear missile, and then Vladimir Putin said, no, he would strike him personally, pretty much, I think, with a nuclear missile, and then Vladimir Putin said, no, I didn't do that. And that does your reading, because that's like one of them strange sort of philosophical puzzles where a man who always lies says that a man who never tells the truth... LAUGHTER ..said something.

Oh, what happened? It definitely takes something to enter into a series of claims in which people will immediately go, no, I think I believe Putin on this one. Boris Johnson, just what must he think? And I have to pretend he's here, he's here, oh, Mr Johnson, because he come here. Oh, no, Boris Johnson, just what must he think? And I have to pretend he's here, he's here, Mr Johnson,

because he come here. Oh, no, Boris Johnson is the... You turn to him to save your country. What a waste of time. He must have thought, how quick, I want to get to France, see the idiot king man who get angry with Penn, I just go straight to Paris. Well, at least they'll turn him down properly like Parisians do.

They'll just go, no, we will not give you planes because we cannot be bothered. Do the Germans next. Do the Germans. Yes, Westminster was treated this week to an unfamiliar phenomenon. A leader who seems to know what he's doing, talks coherent English, addresses the issue head-on and is not afraid to write on a helmet with a marker pen. The Ukraine boss, Vladimir Zelensky, visited the UK

and a number of other key European allies this week as we approach the first anniversary of Vladimir Putin's latest bid for the disappointingly hotly contested title of most pointless war in human history. Zelensky gave an impassioned moving speech in Parliament. He's a former comedian and actor and is known for writing sections of his speeches

himself, rather than reading out whatever gibberish his writing team has cheekily put in his watermelons for him to lawnmower on questioning. He won't even bother checking if the sausage is the correct saxophone. At the end of that round, Team Never, Mark and Camilla have three, and Team Nobody, Catherine and Ria, have two.

Our next question now. If you're in a lift with four randomly chosen people, there is now a better than 50% chance that one of them will be or will have been housing secretary. Is this a sensible way to run our politics? Yeah. It's the only way to run it at the moment, unfortunately, because they've just run out of people, haven't they?

There's no more people. Just like First World War trenches. Yeah, exactly. Spitfire pilots. They're rotating them in as fast as they can. There's no more people. So it's like First World War trenches. Yeah, exactly. Spitfire pilots. They're rotating them in as fast as they can. And that's why you've got ministers who've been ministers six, seven times. Grant Shapps had been a minister seven times now. Like Michelle Donlan had been a minister five times in four years.

That's very confusing. That is not going to get the country back on track, is it now? I don't really see the issue. I mean, faced with the bullying scandal around one of his ministers, a security breach with another, and having just fired one for tax avoidance, I think it's obvious that Rishi would have to then tackle these issues at the heart of government by splitting the Department for Business

into three departments, none of which are called the Department for Business, which is wild to me. I mean, I love that they abolished the Department for Business, which is wild to me. I mean, I love that they abolished the Department for Trade, which they set up after Brexit, because trade is solved now. Well, actually, you know what happened was is they went out there

and they tried to make trade deals with everyone else and everyone went, nah. So they shut it down. I mean, I quite like the fact that they've set up new departments because obviously there weren't enough jobs going around. Imagine being the one Tory who hasn't been a minister at this point. Wouldn't you be dead?

What did that guy do? I think the bloke has just become chairman, isn't he? They've just made him deputy chair, is it? This guy who was like a joke, the crazy one, even amongst the crazy ones. Oh, go on, quiet. Get the crazy one to come out and say something. He's the one who said,

I'm watching Les Dawson on the television and it makes me cross because you wouldn't get him on the television these days while he was watching him on the television! He was watching something on the television. God, you wouldn't get that on the television! He must have thought, I'm having to watch him on my fridge.

So they've made him the deputy chair. I mean, so this is Lee Anderson who said that thing, nobody's ever committed a crime after being executed. I mean, at least that part, that's actually true. Yeah, but the problem with that is it's not so much an argument in favour of capital punishment as an argument in favour of total Armageddon and the end of the human species. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would put a stop to speeding.

But what government departments would you like to see introduced just pointlessly to distract people? The Department of... Understands a bit of economics? I mean, we could go on. No, I think they should. Because they can't do that. I think you should have, like, a minister for tablecloths and a sort of department for the promotion of curling in the silly aisles and things like that.

I feel like that's what we've got already, to be honest with you. Well, they might be able to do that, you know, but they wouldn't, though, would they? Because then Nadeem Zahar, he would turn out to have taken all the curling stones and the ice and accidentally, carelessly not given it to the Silly Isles and put it in his garage so that his rabbits could skid across from one side to the other.

You know when you start to say something and you don't know where it's going? All I'm hearing is, exciting new Olympic sport. Another question for Catherine and Ria. Last week on the news, because we reported on the potential comeback of the dodo, the notoriously useless, flightless bird that retired into well-deserved extinction.

But this week, which other correctly obsolete former inhabitant of our political landscape is attempting an unneeded, undemanded comeback? She's back, baby! She's back! She's back! She's back. She took 100 days to reflect, but Liz Truss is back. Isn't it mad to see an interview with a blonde ex-PM and think, God, I hope it's Boris.

And it's honestly amazing. Like, she blames the left-wing establishment for her downfall, so I don't know what you have to say for yourself, Mark. And her view is essentially like, how was I supposed to know that cutting taxes and increasing spending was going to do anything bad to the economy? Children know that if you spend all your pocket money there's no more pocket money. But did anybody else just I felt like I felt the first sort of female solidarity I've ever felt with Liz Truss because she's taken 100 days,

and what she's come up with is the same thing most teenage girls drunkenly text their exes 100 days later, which is, I thought about it, and I was still right. You know, I was amazed at how little she understands democracy, actually, in the speech, because it was everybody else's fault. So there was the left-wing economic establishment they were to blame. The government was made a scapegoat. People didn't respect her mandate. They didn't accept her mandate. She didn't have a mandate. I just don't really understand the mindset of someone who thinks that people are going to want to wake up on

a Sunday morning and read 4,000 words of economic theory. I mean, it's completely detached from reality. Wait, 4,000 words of economic? I didn't, I I mean? It's completely detached from reality. Wait, 4,000 words of economic... I mean, I read the same piece. I didn't see any economic theory. The one bit that I saw of an interview was when she was asked if she completely and utterly backed quasi-quarting, and she said yes.

And so they said, well, then why did you sack him? And then she literally went... And that was the answer. That was... The spectator even asked her if she would have another swing at Downing Street, which is like, that's like asking me if I want to marry Scarlett Johansson. Like, yeah, sure. I'll be there. She's not going to show up.

It's a left-wing establishment keeping me from my one true bride. So when you're interviewing a figure like that, Camilla, as a journalist, what are you trying to extract? Well, I mean, I'm definitely trying to get past the economic theory. Let's put it that way, definitely. What I wanted her to say was what she thought went wrong. And she just didn't say that, and it was

just... Yeah, to be fair, she only had 4,000 words. Exactly. The one thing people wanted to know was what went wrong, Liz? Why did you think it would work? And she just didn't do that. It was just such a missed opportunity as well, because I was like, it's not much of a comeback i think comeback implies people were waiting and so that's definitely not the case but i thought what a missed opportunity to say anything that was more

interesting than it wasn't my fault like she could have been like i sewed fish into the curtains at downing street are they all gonna do this is that like gordon brown and that are they all gonna try and come back again yeah major yes cameron is he gonna come back and say they all going to try and come back again? Yes. Major Cameron, is he going to come back and say, I'm going to try to have more referendums on leaving things? I'm going to have a referendum on leaving the periodic table and a referendum on leaving the Northern Hemisphere. Eventually, I'm going to get one right. I mean, if Liz Truss does make a comeback,

how could Rishi Sunak possibly assimilate her extraordinary skill set into a cabinet position? Oh my god, I think he's going to have to soon, isn't he? One more reshuffle and she will be back in. I think, you know, culture is

probably up for it pretty soon. Whatever Grant Shapps is doing. Any of them, really. Do you think Grant Shapps is doing. Any of them, really. Do you think Grant Shapps sometimes goes into the wrong office because he's forgotten what he's minister of? I thought I was minister of hamsters. I've come into

completely the wrong place. I've come into pets at home. He might have forgotten what his name is. He did for a while pretend to have a different name. Michael Green. He pretended to just be somebody else randomly at a conference. I think he sold web marketing.

It was like his second job but he did it under the name Michael Green. I actually remember going to his constituency. I'm remembering it now. I went up to his constituency. I think it was the 2015 election with an actual sock puppet that I pretended was Michael Green and I went up to his constituency, I think it was the 2015 election, with an actual sock puppet that I pretended was Michael Green. And I went to his constituency office and said, I'm Michael Green, where is Grant Shapps?

And he ran away from me. Yes, back to the original question. It was indeed the former interim acting Prime Minister and avoidable economic mayhem monthly magazine's joint person of the year for 2022, Liz Truss, who is on the comeback trail. Moving on in politics, according to a committee of MPs, who deserves a medal?

Oh, my God, it's this hilarious story where they've made these recommendations that all MPs leaving office should be given a medal. You know, just at this time when we're really... MPs' ratings are really, really high. Let's give them all a medal. For some reason, there's some concern about what MPs are going to do when they leave their jobs

and they don't know how to get a job, they don't have any skills that are transferable. I mean, the tiniest violin in the world. And so they've come up with this plan that they might actually be rewarded with sort of I don't know certificates or whatever but medals as well I mean they just how could they have come up with a scheme that made MPs sound like prisoners trying to get jobs after they've come out of prison so much it's just like you know we're going to try and rehabilitate them we're going to give them sound like prisoners trying to get jobs after they've come out of prison so much. It's just like, you know, we're going to try and rehabilitate them.

We're going to give them, you know, a pathway and everything like that. A man called Sir Charles Walker, who received an OB and a KB for political service, was the one who was like, there's just not enough recognition for being a politician. And you're like, oh, can you imagine being married to that man?

Imagine the praise you'd have to give him for taking out the bins. I feel like he came up with that idea because he took out the bins one time and his wife was like, what, do you want a medal? And he was like, wait a minute. Yes, following the besackment of Nadeem Zahawi, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has rejiggled his government in an effort to jolt his party back to life with some kind of defibrillating reorganisation. The government is essentially like an endless game of musical chairs. Appropriately enough, Greg Hands became the 10th different chair of the Conservative Party since the start of 2018, and they are all clubbing together to put on a new stage musical entitled Les Very Miserables. To add to the logistical sick bucket that is currently functioning as the Prime Minister's in-tray,

his two predecessors have been stirring from their well-earned political graves. Of course, many of us in public positions know what it's like to be haunted by your predecessors. Now, let's meet the teams. Will you welcome first on my right and opposite them on my left. Hello and welcome to the news quiz. We start with the cutting. Now, let's meet the teams. Will you welcome first on my right and opposite them on my left. Hello and welcome to the news quiz. We start with the cutting. Now let's meet the teams, will you? Welcome first on my right.

Andy, which plot failed to proliferate? And with that, goodbye. Could you all hear that or was it only me? And at the end of that round it's seven points all. Oh. And at the end of that round, it's seven points all. Moving to the other side of the political seesaw, what, according to the Labour Party,

should be like going out to a fancy restaurant? Private schools. Correct. Yes. Yes. It was Rachel Rees in an interview. She said that the Labour Party thinks that they should tax private schools. They should lose their VAT exemption. They should lose their charity status.

She says, you know, if you opt to school your children privately, then that's like feeding your family and that it should be VATable and then all of that money they would then put in towards state schools, which I think is in the right direction. It's mad that we're not taxing private schools. I mean, we were taxing

tampons until 2021. Like, how are we taxing tampons and not tarquins? I don't know. There was another Labour policy announced this week. According to the Shadow Defence Secretary, the UK needs to stockpile what? Or we could run out in just days in the event

of war. We need to stockpile ammunition or sort of aeroplanes even or something like that because we only have like three or four days' worth of ammunition, which is, you know, why presumably nobody told Paul Zelensky before he came over that we actually had nothing. When he came here, we've only got three bullets. Sorry. And now a helmet.

And now a helmet. And now a helmet from them. Exactly. Labour have decided to have an opinion on, basically focused on defence and the fact that it's also been underfunded for at least, I think, about a decade. We've underfunded the military. The Irish army is just three lads and a dog,

but they can really turn your day around. Do you know what I mean? Yes, Labour has announced that it would scrap plans to reduce the size of the army and remove the VAT-exempt status of private schools. It's a concern over the inequalities in British education that leave some schools with an Olympic rowing lake and others with half a pencil.

At the end of that round, Catherine and Ria on Team Nobody have nine, Mark and Camilla on Team Never have ten. APPLAUSE We finish with a quick fire round entitled Fiction is better than truth. All these questions have a true answer, but can you give me an answer that is better than the real one?

And points to the wrongest possible answer. First one can go to Mark and Camilla. King Charles will not be wearing what on our new stamps? Clothes. That's pretty good. A loincloth. A thong. A swimsuit.

Well, any other suggestions for what King Charles will not be wearing? That smug look on his face. Well, in fact, it's a crown. I ask King Charles, a.k.a. KC3, and social media handle at Chucky Triple Time, the former Prince and 70-time runner-up in the end-of-the-year royalty rankings before finally claiming top spot in 2022.

He's posed daringly, hatlessly for our new stamps. Next question for Catherine and Ria. What could become a thing of the past on our railways? Trains. That is not the correct answer, but it's impressively not the correct answer. You'll get two points for that. Any other suggestions of what might be even wronger than trains?

Murder mysteries? Well, they could go, couldn't they? I think in the 1920s, something like one in five train journeys had a murder in it and a detective. Middle-income families? I mean, with the way the environment's going, leaves on the track.

I love it when it was those toilets that slowly open while you're on the loo. Bizarrely large cavernous toilet. I don't know, yeah, probably trains. The correct answer is return tickets. A shake-up of the rail system could see the end of return tickets, meaning that people will either have to buy two singles or just stay wherever they get to for the rest of its life. Not in the good old days. Mark and Camilla,

what product traditionally associated with children's parties has China been using to spy on the USA? Kazoos. Kazoos? How would you spy with a kazoo? Maybe you could look through it. It's hollow. Little camera in the end.

Yeah. Balloons is, in fact, the correct answer. They've been using massive, great spy balloons. The Chinese insisted the balloon was just a misunderstood weather balloon that had floated away in search of some really awesome weather to impress its friends with. misunderstood weather balloon that had floated away in search of some really awesome weather to impress its friends with. Finally, the dodo, Liz Truss.

What could be next on the list of things that we quite reasonably thought would never come back that might now unnecessarily come back after all? Effective industrial action by unions. Jesus. I should say there's a point of factual accuracy never came in the first place. Lapsed Jewish, I'm allowed to say it.

I think when Jesus comes back, he's going to say, I didn't do anything wrong the first time. I was brought down by the left-wing Romans. The first thing Jesus says when he comes back is going to be, for those wondering, my middle name is Herbert. Well, the correct answer is Fawlty Towers could be... Really?

Yes, they could be rebooting Fawlty Towers. Does this fill you with excitement or dread? I'm looking forward to the episode about Don't Mention The War, but they'll all be in Russian accents. Yeah, OK, too soon. I accept that. Right, we will end the show there. The final scores, Catherine and Ria on Team Nobody have 14,

Mark and Camilla on team never have 12. Just some breaking news, another celebrity sex scandal. The retired former ancient Greek god Zeus has become the latest high-profile celeb to be charged with historic sex offences. He had it coming, didn't he? Police in Athens searching a museum discovered a collection of what they describe

as highly incriminating vases thank you very much for listening I've been Andy Zaltzman goodbye taking part in the news quiz were Ria Lina Mark Steele

Catherine Bohart and Camilla Long in the chair was Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Zoe Tomalin, Rebecca Bain and Cameron Loxdale. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production. Hello, I'm Professor Hannah Fry. And I'm Dr Adam Rutherford. And together, we're investigating listener-led mysteries.

Some people have levitated a frog. Yeah, yeah, I've seen it happen. Has anyone ever levitated a human? In this new series, you'll discover the secret of levitation and what really fuelled the construction of the pyramids. All the burgers you can eat, lots of beer, and one of the groups called themselves, and I'm not making this up, the drunkards of Men pyramids. All the burgers you can eat, lots of beer, and one of the groups called themselves,

and I'm not making this up, the drunkards of Menkaure. All this and daredevil experiments too. Now here is the crystal. Am I allowed to touch it? You certainly are, yeah. Oh, hang on, it's... It's slipped away.

The new series of The Curious Cases of Rutherford and Fry. Available now on BBC Sounds. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.