Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 10th June

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Andy Zaltzman presents the last in the current series of the topical quiz show.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, welcome to the News Quiz. I am Andy Zaltzman. Don't worry, only about 41% of them booed. It's fine. Sure, these people are hardcore News Quiz fans, They ought to be on my side, but actually 59% of them didn't boo. So technically I am blowing the roof off here.

So here, as my encore, is the rest of this week's Newsquiz. Hello. Welcome to the Newsquiz. And, well, sorry if I'm still a little bit giddy from the astonishing scenes last weekend. Four days unbridled excitement and joy from Thursday to Sunday.

Wild celebrations, tributes to one of our nation's greatest ever, reaching an unbelievable milestone. England won a test match. And Joe Root scored his 10,000th test run. And walking back home through the streets of London, you could see what it meant to people. Even the royal family was out celebrating, and they're not even really that into cricket.

Statistically, it wasn't 70 years since England last won, as some of the banners seem to be saying, but it did sort of feel that way. Our teams this week, we have Team Hollow Victory against Team Empty Promise. On Team Hollow Victory, we have Chris McCausland and Maisie Adam. And on Team Empty Promise, it's Rialina and Alice Fraser. Anyway, after the four days of bejubilations,

on Monday, we're back to reality, and we start with a maths exam question tweeted in by one of our listeners, an at-MP-Jacob-Moggle-Goggle... LAUGHTER ..who lives, he says, in 1736. And Jacob writes, I love maths.

Can your panellists help me prove that 200 minus 117 is actually less than 211 minus 148. Doug, can any of you prove that? This is because he got less people approving him than Theresa May got. Yes. I can't do the sum in my head for after that. But, you know, as we've been learning quite a lot over recent News Quiz,

Tory MPs are revolting. We now know that it's specifically 148 of them are revolting. They've got no confidence in the Prime Minister and the 211 that are left either have or just can't think of anyone better that they've got to replace him. That is the correct answer.

I mean, have any of you ever had 148 colleagues simultaneously tell you you're rubbish? What's so mad is that Boris Johnson came out and said it was decisive. Like, it was many things. Decisive it was not. It's a pretty... I recently got engaged. If the proposal was like, will you marry me? And I did the same decisive response as this thing of, yeah, but just only just.

The commentary on it is so wild, because people are like, it's either the losingest win you've ever had or the winningest loss you could possibly imagine. And no one's quite sure how to feel about it. Except for Boris Johnson, who's smug, but that's his default. It makes me worry about, you know, the education they received.

Well, because they're going, okay, 59 to 41% is decisive. And I went, no, no, no, no. As we all know, 52, 48, that's decisive. And I went, no, no, no, no. As we all know, 52-48. That's decisive. And, you know, and everyone's quite, is it a good win?

Is it a bad win? It's not so much that, it's a little bit like getting an STD test. You know what I mean? It's great that you passed, but really the reason you needed it in the first place is what we're talking about. What was the worst win that any of you have ever had? In August 2012, I was one number off a must-win jackpot on the EuroMillions of £148 million. Oh, no!

One number off. In my head, I thought, well, that's at least a million or two. I'd bought a house in my head and everything. I won just over £5,000, and I've never been so furious... LAUGHTER ..to receive what, in the grand scheme of things, is a nice amount of money.

I was literally one number away in the Euro millions from not being here tonight. Labour Party's in a bit of a weird position with the state of the Tories at the moment. Do you think they actually want Boris Johnson gone? Or at the moment, is Keir Starmer benefiting from being able to exude a kind of counter-aura of reliable stodge

opposite the whirling slapstick mayhemicism of Johnson? Is there a risk that they might end up with a tory leader who can match him stodge for stodge i think i missed that news story keir starmer's exuding an aura i've never i haven't seen him crack a smile yet i haven't seen him moved is he real is he i mean he's like the largest lego figure i've ever seen he looks exactly like the inside cover of an in-flight magazine, the little picture of the man who's there saying something about the rest of the in-flight magazine.

I do think that, like, what you just said there should be Labour's new slogan for ages they've been going with, for the many, not the few, that kind of thing. Just reliable stodge. And I think it's a sad indictment

that the country would look at that and go, yeah, sounds good to me, yeah. Genuinely, as an Australian, that seems to be literally all you people eat. Reliable stodge. There have been various resignations. The Tory peer, Baroness Morrissey, was sort of sack resigned on Wednesday after saying that Boris Johnson had shown no contrition and should go with dignity.

Now, contrition and dignity are not the most used clubs in the Johnsonian golf bag. Is there any way that Johnson can re-ingratiate himself with the public, do you think? It is kind of the most sort of on-brand Tory thing to say, isn't it? Because he's doing these tax cuts to win back some popularity. I don't think there's anything more on-brand as a Tory of going, sorry you don't like me, have some money maybe?

Unless they're actually going to cut it to less than we were paying before, it's literally like being mugged and then having the mugger go, oh, here's your wallet back. Also, tax cuts is literally like, here, keep your money, maybe? Maybe they should index link income tax levels to levels of corruption and sleaze within government. Every time we earn 100 quid, they have to give us an extra 20. This question can go to Maisie and Chris.

Filling up what with what is about to cost you £100? This question can go to Maisie and Chris. Filling up what with what is about to cost you £100? Donkey with custard. A piggy bank with 25ers. I mean, filling up with free bread at a fancy restaurant will save you about £100. Oh, you'll spoil your appetite don't mind if i do filling up my children's minds with ideas of autonomy is about to cost you a hundred pounds because they are the closest things to slaves that i've got they do all

the chores they go to bed when i tell them i'm don't take that from me cars mate yes Cars, mate. Yes. Correct. Yeah, petrol. It's gone through the roof, hasn't it? I think you might be filling up your car wrong. I think they should make space hoppers compulsory for journeys under a mile. It would solve the physical health problem, mental health problems. It'd look fantastic.

And we'd all have great thighs. Some of us have great thighs already, thank you. Yeah, but it was weird when you turned up on your space hopper, Alice. Well, it would boost the mood of the country. You can't be angry on a space hopper. Imagine angrily leaving a meeting. Like, you get a disciplinary and they're like, we're going to have to let you go. Oh, well, I'll be going to

HR about this. Yes, this is indeed Boris Johnson surviving his own MP's vote of no confidence after enough of them found just about a discernible last shred of confidence in him. But still 148 of his own MPs voted against him, a higher proportion rebelled against Theresa May,

a vote which Johnson supporters had hailed as meaning she had to resign. But fortunately for them, maths has changed since then. As the late, great political scientist and statistician Meatloaf himself once said, two out of three ain't bad, but 211 out of 359 really isn't that good at all jacob reese mogg rumored to be in line for a new role as chair of the new committee on double standards in public life instead that a one vote win for johnson would be enough and grant shapp said that people should not over interpret the boo booing of the Prime Minister at the Jubilee. And as someone with a fair amount of experience of being booed at,

I'm prepared to under-interpret it. Lots of people really don't like him. Moving on to the NHS. Chris, Health Secretary Sajid Javid said the NHS needs to do what to improve? He said it needs to be more like, less like Blockbuster and more like Netflix, didn't he? And you can see his point,

because the NHS is a little bit like Blockbuster. I often go down and just have a browse to see what they've got. Maybe he just wants it so that the NHS is more like Netflix and that it will suggest procedures based on what you've had in the past. Maybe he just wants it so that, you know, the NHS is more like Netflix and that it will suggest procedures based on what you've had in the past.

As someone that's had a triple heart bypass, maybe you might like an artificial knee. No-one's ever been invited around for an NHS and chill. Didn't Netflix recently announce it was losing large amounts of money? So the NHS is already more like Netflix. Also, it just really wouldn't work. If we treated the NHS like how we treat Netflix,

especially if they went ahead and privatised it, we'd just all be going around going, yeah, I just use my ex-flatmate's doctor. She's still paying for it. I just use the healthcare and they don't know. Eight people in every family would have the same medical records. Also, if you loitered too long after one procedure, they'd just start another without your permission.

I watch Netflix with audio description on, now. Imagine having an operation with that. The doctor is cutting you open now. The doctor looks worried that he can't save you. Would you like this operation in English? Turkish? Yes, Sajid Javid described the NHS as being a blockbuster healthcare system in the age of Netflix. That said, there are some ways in which the NHS can become more like Netflix, for example, by showing its customers... Patients. Sorry. Gone a year or two early on that one.

Showing its patients small edited snippets of different operations so we can decide on what procedure we feel like having on the day. Everyone says heart transplants are awesome, but I just feel like a nice simple endoscopy. At the end of that round, the scores are four to Team Hollow Victory

and two to Team Empty Promise. Ooh. For our next round, this question can go to Chris and Maisie again. What pod links the following four Ps? A hologram of the Queen, supermodel Kate Moss, celebrity pretend fox Basil Brush and Chris McCausland? Chris, your ideas. This is the Jubilee pageant procession, isn't it, Andy? Yes.

Because I was part of the pageant procession because I was deemed to be one of the UK's top 200 national treasures, regular Andy Zaltzman. Sorry, Chris, with all due respect, what? I was, yeah, I was on one of the open-top buses, one of the UK's top 200 national treasures. Not sure if I mentioned that, Maisie. I think possibly they needed a little bit more disability representation

and couldn't feasibly get a wheelchair up there. So, um... Anyway. Chris, are you telling me you had, like, front row seats to the entire Jubilee procession and you couldn't see any of it?

Absolutely. I had to have Brian Connolly telling me when to wave and when to stop waving. A couple of times I waved at a tree. I think the Queen must feel very entitled to rule because everyone I know who has ever met the Queen has a story about how they embarrassed themselves in front of the Queen.

So I think she's just constantly surrounded by people going, you're bladjusty or, like, dropping their pants. And I think she just thinks, wow, everyone is an idiot. I'm the only person who has it together. I'm glad I'm in charge. 12 million watched it, though, the Platinum Jubilee. 12 million, which sounds a lot, but twice as many. It was, like, 23 million watched the Olympics closing ceremony in 2012.

And I just think that speaks volumes. Like if Liz was really patriotic, she'd have gotten on top of a moving taxi with the Spice Girls and sung Spice Up Your Life. But no, a firework corgi must suffice. As part of the Jubilee celebrations, there was a sketch of Paddington Bear having tea and sandwiches with the Queen. Did we like the Paddington sketch? Yeah. Oh, but sketch? Really? If we entered that into any sketch comedy competition,

we'd get laughed at. Like, that's... And people, like, sort of tried to get, oh, well, it's Her Majesty sort of connecting with modern times. That's not modern. He's doing a sketch with Paddington Bear. She wants to connect with modern times. Get her doing a TikTok dance.

I mean, I think if me or you tried to submit that sketch, Maisie, I think, first of all, we struggle to get the Queen, but probably also Paddington. We'd end up with Prince Andrew and Sooty. Yes, this is news of the Jubilee. Now, for some, the four days of festivities seemed an awful lot of fuss for someone who is the Commissioner-in-Chief

of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. But like so many people these days, the Queen has to hold down more than one job to make ends meet. Let's not forget she is also member first class of the Order of the Lion, head and fountain of justice in Australia, honorary Knievel of the Order of the Grand Canyon, and Lady High Funkadelica of the Order of the Groove. Moving on now, this can go to Alice and Ria. Who, if rumours are to be believed,

is set to lose the who can stay longest in the job whilst wearing extravagant hats in the over-85s category? Yes, this is the Pope. Yes. This is the Pope. He's got an HR meeting with God coming up. He said he admired the previous Pope who quit rather than dying on the job. He's gone from pillar of God to post-Pope in his mind.

He's preparing to turn in his God gun and holy badge. I think it's a delightful thing. I think you shouldn't die in... He should have a retirement or a second career. I mean, imagine. I mean, what transferable skills do you leave the papacy with? You know, when they do the incense and shirt, it could be those people in Duty Free at airports

just spray you with perfume. Just bless you, my child. Just on your way to Malaga. Like, why are we so baffled when old people resign? Like, I don't think it's a normal thing to stay in a job until your day that you die. Imagine if we all stayed in jobs

until the day with that just one morning a headmistress coming and going, sorry kids, no assembly today. Mrs Beckett's just passed away in the staff room. As a maths teacher, she'll be very chuffed to have made it to the prime number of 97. Well, I mean, his job is literally to pontificate, so he could definitely get a job in breakfast television.

Well, you know, the only other job I can think of where you don't really qualify till you're over 70 is being President of the United States. I just hope he leaves the Vatican on a space hopper. I love how the biggest issue with this story is the fact that, but if he retires before the other one dies, we'll have two popes running around and a third. What are we going to do with three popes? And that's the biggest conundrum for the Catholic church is three popes. I don't, what's the issue? No, genuinely, like, what's the issue? We can't open

this to the floor, can we? Are there any Catholics in? Can you tell me? Oh, oh yeah. Okay. So why can't we have more than one pope at a time? What's wrong with that? They're infallible. So you can't put a lighter near them, otherwise they'll... Maybe the Queen could swap with the Pope just for the last few... They're both basically two old people who've peaked on their job, but everybody still wants them to be in that job. Oh, come on, everybody would watch that show.

If we did a job swap of heads of church... Imagine if we did it but like properly like wife swap just liz is struggling learning with a latin and meanwhile francis is trying to knight somebody oh god i've cut you what am i like we're running out of time for the only thing that i want the queen to do which is to marry david ettenborough come on come on now that would be like a Love Island reality final. She has given him a second knighthood

this week. I mean, you don't give many second knighthoods out. I mean, in royal terms, that's making a move, isn't it? What are you called if you're a knight? What are you called? Are you Sir Sir David? Sir Sir David Ettenborough? Did he lose the first one? He's made an entire career out of zebra snuff movies

and hardcore spider porn. Yes, this is Pope Francis, the world's top-ranked Catholic... First and last time that link will ever happen. Pope Francis, the world's top-ranked Catholic, is rumoured to be considering hanging up his cassock. At the age of just 85, Francis, one of the most popular pops of recent years, is said to be on the verge of, as Alice said,

handing in his badge and his gun and quitting... Sorry, handing in his ring and his ferula and having to pay to see the Sistine Chapel like everyone else. The speculation that Francis could go popadope mounted with the announcement that he's to visit the city of La Quilla in August for a feast began by a previous pope who said nope, Celestine V, who chucked

in his chasuble after just four months in the holy hot seat back in 1294. This is my job. Potential pop-up popes to replace the departing pontiff include out-of-work former Burnley manager Sean Dyche, the ex-Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. 700 or 800 years ago, he'd have walked into the job. And Microsoft founder Bill Gates,

who has impressive biblical credentials. In the beginning was Microsoft Word. Word was good until they needlessly dicked around with the menus and it became irritatingly counterintuitive. Can you do the paperclip? Hello, looks like you're trying to elect a new pope.

The scores are now eight points each. Moving on now. This can go to Chris and Maisie. The US envoy on climate change, John Kerry, has warned that the war in Ukraine should not be used as an excuse to do what? Let Ukraine win the Eurovision Song Contest every year. No, this is... It's to do with fuel, right?

We can't use the war in Ukraine as the reason why we keep using coal, correct? Yes. It is, yeah. John Kerry said, if we keep doing this... And this is a true quote. He said, we are cooked, which I don't think was a wise choice of words, as if he's going to go, whereas if we change it now, guys,

we're going to be only slightly char-grilled. He doesn't want us to rely on coal anymore. He wants us to rely on, you know, other kind of more environmentally friendly energy sources. But what is Santa going to leave for naughty children? He can't exactly leave them like a nuclear isotope. It's a jar of sunlight. Some offshore wind.

A further environment-related question, this can go to Ria and Alice. The climate crisis may lead the human race to do what to survive? Sacrifice the Kardashians. I mean, I'm already teaching my seven-month-old daughter how to fight in a Thunderdome as we speak. Dog goes woof, pat the dog. Duck goes quack, feed the duck.

Genetically engineered water, raider goes blarg, no mercy, under the ribs and up for a dagger in the heart. She's very advanced. I'm impressed. I mean, I had mine doing calculus, but yeah, you do... Whatever. It's shrink, isn't it, Andy? It is shrink?

Shrink. They reckon that the hotter it gets, the more we'll shrink. It is shrink, correct? They reckon that the hotter it gets, the more we'll shrink. But the average height of an adult man in this country is 5'9", and the average height of an adult man in Australia is 5'9". It's a lot hotter over there, isn't it? They should be tiny. Average height of an adult man in Africa is 5'9".

And Eskimos were tiny, so maybe the hotter it gets, of an adult man in Africa is five foot nine. And Eskimos were tiny, so maybe the hotter it gets, maybe the bigger we should get. Depends on the survey, though, because the average man on Tinder is always six foot. I did notice, Alison, you went back to Australia a couple of years

ago. It's hotter there. You got noticeably bigger. Now you're back in the UK, you're smaller again. Yes, yes. Again, Andy, I had a baby. Right. Which, to be fair, is a lot smaller than all of us. Are you saying that global warming is a hoax?

Are you saying that the climate got me pregnant? What? I went to an all-boys school. I don't know how these things work. I mean, do we think this is a good thing? General... Shrinking? Yeah. No. I went to a gig the other day and I was the tallest person there

and I could see every person on that stage. It was brilliant. A small person behind me said, can I move? I said, no, that's evolution. Survival of the fittest and flicked her away. I guess apparently an evolutionary survival mechanism could kick in with global warming to make humans, the most famous species in the world, smaller in order to survive. Inspired by the newt outliving the T-Rex,

humans could be the size of a small prune but with legs and arms in less than 500 million years. Whilst some Hollywood actors could be visible only of a small prune but with legs and arms in less than 500 million years, whilst some Hollywood actors could be visible only with an electron microscope. Besides smaller humans, others expected to survive in the new hotter temperatures include the oddly sockless community, who are growing alarmingly fast right now, that kid from school you used to tease for having gills,

that is looking far-sighted, and humans who display a natural genetic tendency to grow into billionaires with giant underground bunkers or space rockets. We need to move on now to our final round of this series of the News Quiz. Now, in tribute to the Johnson Prime Ministership, we don't have much time left before we have to go.

So... So we are... APPLAUSE We are going to challenge our panellists to suddenly answer questions they haven't thought about in a final desperate attempt to win enough points and credibility to be invited back in the autumn. So just shout out your answers.

The government is aiming to eradicate what by the year 2030? Law-abiding politicians. I think they're well ahead of schedule. Shoes, or as I like to call them, socks for your socks. Mrs Brown's boys. Never going to happen. Poor people. I mean, poverty. That's in fact smoking.

What could soon be a thing of the past for children in Wales? Birthdays. From now on, everyone's just 47. Comparing everything to the size of Wales. That's not very informative if you're already inside. It's energy drinks. I don't think they're going to clamp down on anything. You could also have never having seen their country play at a football World Cup

after Wales qualified for the World Cup for the first time since 1958 by knocking out, let's not spoil a nice story, everyone. According to Rory McIlroy, golfers playing in the new Saudi-backed LIV competition are doing it for boatloads of what? Wives. Saudis are giving away women.

Fidget spinners. Lee Westwood loves a fidget spinner, to be fair. It's cash. Really? That makes sense. In fact, to be fair. It's cash. Really? That makes sense. Yeah, boatloads of cash. I feel like you've got to specify the boat there as well. Is it a canoe or a yacht?

Well, I think that depends where you finish in the tournament, probably. To be honest, if it's full of cash, I'll take a dinghy. Yes, well, that brings us to the end of the series and that crucial final answer means that this week's winners are Alice and Ria with 13 points, over Chris and Maisie with 12. There's some news, breaking news reaching us. The government has announced that a new list of priorities

is now a priority. Seeking to allay public concerns that the government have not got their priorities right, Downing Street spokesman Ellsworth Nodgley today confirmed that prioritising their priorities was now a clear priority, which is earmarked for prioritisation as soon as possible, and that by the end of October, or some other month, Britain will have more and better priorities than any other nation in the world. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. We will be back in the autumn when everything will be fine.

Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Alice Fraser, Chris McCausland, Ria Lena and Maisie Adam. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Heidi Regan and Jay Geby. The producer was Georgia Keating, and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's.

It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.