Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 12th May

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Topical quiz show, taking its questions and finding its laughs from the week's news.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Before we begin, to ensure this week's News Quiz proceeds uninterrupted, we cordially invite you, wherever and whenever you are, to ensure you're not in possession of anything that could be used to attach yourself to something. For example, a bicycle lock, a pair of handcuffs, a belt, a shoelace, a bra, and or particularly stretchy sock, a packet of toffees, a pet snake with suspected leftist

tendencies, or a look in your eye that suggests you might be grumpy about something. If you are in possession of one or more of these protest potentialising accessories, please hand yourself in to the police immediately and allow the rest of our law-abiding listeners to enjoy this week's edition of The News Quiz. Welcome to The News Quiz. It's been a week in which the Culture Secretary has suggested the BBC needs to look at new sources of funding,

so all of this week's panellists will be for sale on eBay after the show. Let's meet our teams this week as we look back on arguably the best coronation in this country so far this millennium. We have Team Heavy-Handed against Team Heavy-Hatted. On Team Heavy-Handed, we have Andrew Doyle and Ian Smith. And on Team Heavy-Hatted, we have Susie McCabe and the deputy political editor of ITV News, Anushka Astana. Now, in this week after the coronation, our topics from around the global newscape are hidden on a special grid behind a picture of a precious artefact used in the

coronation. You have to imagine this bit now. we're not Question of Sport. We don't have the budget for an actual screen. Our panellists simply have to select an artifact and answer the question about this week's news that lies behind it. The artifacts that they can choose from are the Rod of Equity and Mercy, the Bracelet of Sincerity

and Wisdom, the Sword that only works if someone holds it pointing upwards for at least an hour, the sausage of splendiferous grace, the nail clippers of unrelenting weirdness, and Len Ganley's white glove. So,

Susie and Anushka, you can have first choice. What's your first artefact going to be? I thought Len Ganley's white glove because it sounds like a snooker referee. He was indeed a snooker referee and you saw that single white glove that was used by Len Ganley's white glove, because it sounds like a snooker referee. He was indeed a snooker referee, and you saw that single white glove that was used by Len Ganley at the Crucible in the 1980s. Right, your question, Susie and Anushka,

who won gold, silver, bronze and assorted other precious metals and gemstones for Team GB last Saturday? That'll be King Charles. Correct. That's it? Yeah. That's all I can say in this situation? I mean, I know you are a proud and inveterate monarchist, Susie.

Oh, aye. Aye. Oh, aye. So much so that I came down to London last Thursday and left on Friday morning. But it was just a very peculiar thing, wasn't it? A lot of people get very excited about

Penny Mordant and her headdress and her sword. I used to manage a gay bar in Glasgow in the 90s. See, if a woman wasn't in by 7 o'clock with a headdress and a sword, was it even a Tuesday, Andy? The thing I found strangest about Penny Morden was,

I mean, she looked great and she held the sword very well. And then immediately afterwards, her odds to become Prime Minister fell. I watch politics quite closely and last time I checked, being able to hold heavy objects for hours wasn't key to the job. I got very nervous about that sword, because I thought if she stumbled, she might accidentally pop one of King Charles's fingers. Is that mean?

See, when Charles was in his wee box and they put the box round him and we couldn't see in, it was all that oily stuff. I thought, if they take this away and it's not Debbie McGee I will be... What were the highlights for you of the coronation service? For me, it would be the protesters.

No, because I think people got really antsy about it, really upset about it, but there were hardly any of them. They could have just done what they did with Prince Harry and hidden them behind Princess Anne's feathery hat. It was quite impressive that King Charles somehow survived a perilous day last Saturday in which he was constantly surrounded by people armed with swords,

pointy sticks, mysterious, potentially poisonous unguents and assorted medieval weaponry. But they thought these few people with placards were the major danger. They were terrified. To be fair, though, if they'd have let off a firework, Camilla might have stampeded, you know. You've got to be fair.

But then, on the other hand, you know, the government says it's inappropriate for anti-monarchists to protest this, but it's the coronation. Like, when do they expect them to do this? Chinese New Year? One of the people arrested, it's come out today, was a royal super

fan who had turned up at seven in the morning to sit and watch the parade, didn't notice, because the protesters were basically doing nothing at all, that they were protesters, and got swept up by the police. I cannot believe they made police wrongly arrested someone and did something wrong.

What? Well, that's a good reason to have them all at the coronation. It means London's a whole lot safer. My other favourite bit was when they were after the coronation in the procession and it showed you the three kids, you know, the Prince and Princess of Wales children, and Claire Baldo went, well, Princess Charlotte, she's a very good gymnast.

Prince and Princess of Wales like their children to do sport and be very outdoorsy and give them as much of a normal life as they can while they were in a gold carriage waving to the peasants it's like well at least do a backflip did anyone see the grim reaper guy yes yeah the death guy the death they said that it was a verger but i i did a google image search of ver. None of them look like what that is.

Like, it's clear, some of them had, like, sticks, but none of them had hoods up. They're all just old, nice-looking guys. I think it's 100% Grim Reaper. But they're covering it up? Yeah, they're covering it up, because there's no way the newsreader would be there going, yeah, card's on the table, we can't explain what that is. We can't explain what it is, but four

people who were invited to the coronation are missing. You don't think it was Meghan Markle in disguise? I mean, in terms of this public order act, how do you balance the right to protest and the right not to have protesters spoiling your special once-in-a-lifetime coronation?

I mean, when you've got to have a new hat fitted, you don't want to be spoiled by people with placards, do you? It is not illegal to protest. Yes, you're going to have to deal with it if some people make your event slightly less good than you hoped it would be. Although, obviously, the new Act has given them far more right, basically, to crack down on protesters.

I mean, as well as not being allowed to lock on anymore, the other thing you're not allowed to do is, if they think that there's going to be serious disruption, they can basically stop and search anyone in that area without suspicion. And serious disruption can include being noisy. I think it is disturbing that they snuck this through a couple of days under the radar before, and I thought that was really bad.

But I do find there's an irony in people complaining about police actions being undemocratic at a coronation. You know? It's a bit like a vegan objecting to the butter in a bacon sandwich. Yes, it was indeed a coronation you know it's a bit like a vegan objecting to the butter and a bacon sandwich yes it was indeed the coronation so that's uh he had two points to suzy and anushka and yes we've done it again eight billion people in the world and yet again a brit wins the coronation it was uh king charles the third kc3 at chucky three times he's known on social media the long time number one ranked heir to the throne

who lived up to his top seating and brought it home for Team GB, just like his mummy before him, with a terrific display of being crowned. And it just shows what we can do as a nation out of the EU. Not a single coronation in over four decades of Brussels red tape, but within a few short years of Brexit taking back control, whack, massive coronation. At the end of our coronation round,

let's call it four points all. Ian and Andrew, what is the artefact you would like your question from? Let me go for a bonus one, Andrew's ankle tag. OK, well, you could have a sausage of splendour versus grace, but you've gone off piste.

So your question is this. What was predicted to be twice as high as it was before Brexit was brought in to bring it down? Seasonal depression. That's not the answer I've got written down here. It's figures, isn't it, of depression. That's not the answer I've got written down here. It's figures, isn't it, of migration. It's migration figures. Yes, net migration. So Weller Braverman

wants an Australian style points system where applicants acquire points and if they get enough they get sent to Australia. I think that's the idea. I only heard about this from the Archbishop of Canterbury, so he was talking...

No, it's not like I'm a mate. He texted me saying, you wouldn't believe this. No, I mean, he did a thing in the House of Lords, like a speech in the House of Lords, and I didn't know he was in the House of Lords. I didn't know he got a seat in that. I know other people in the Lords wear dog collars, but not normally at work.

Yes, the Archbishop of Canterbury described the government's small boats policy as morally unacceptable, sending numerous Tory cabinet ministers and policy advisers dashing for the nearest dictionary to find out what these strange, outdated, arcane words might mean. What do you think, politically, of the Archbishop of Canterbury, ABC, as he's known? I mean, what do you think about him intervening in political debates like this?

I mean, it was quite effective and it definitely was quite uncomfortable for the government. I think they think Justin Welby moans about their policies a lot and so they don't take it as badly as they used to I mean Robert Jenrick the immigration minister was on ITV's Peston this week which I also present on and Robert asked him about Justin Welby and I did think the reply was slightly strange Robert Jenrick said well Justin Welby doesn't have an alternative idea, does he? And we were like, well, that isn't his job. Not his job to come up with a policy.

His job to be the moral arbiter. I do think it's very easy for Justin Welby to call this a moral just because it is. Ian, I know you've always got some constructive ideas on how to fix all the nations and indeed the world's problems. How would you deal with this issue? What the UK seems to be doing at the minute, I think very subtly, is making ourselves so unappealing for anyone to live here

that people won't come. I think we need to take that a step further and put all of our money into advertising another country and making them look fantastic. So we pile billions into visit Austria. Austria's amazing. And then the immigrants will be thinking, we should go to Austria.

And then simultaneously, we declare war with Austria. I haven't thought through past that point. Right. I think if you're taking an anti-migrant stance, though, I think declaring war on Austria has a bad precedent. Yeah. I would say it's pro-migrants, but it's also pro-Austria. For a bit, and then, yeah, it does become anti-Austria.

Is Austria not landlocked? OK, right, we can all pick holes in... I'm trying. So, at the end of that round, Andrew and Ian have six, Susie and Anushka have four. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long.

Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Susie and Anushka, you can choose your coronation artefact for the next question. Can we go for the sword that only works if someone holds it pointing upwards for at least an hour yes absolutely your question on that is the government has ditched plans to get rid of what by the end of the year eu laws eu laws that is correct the uh supposed bonfire of eu laws is not going to happen i mean jacob reese mogg is very very crossable i don't know

if he's actually cross or if secretly. I mean, he's only really happy when he's cross about something to do with Brexit. So it's kind of hard to know if he's cross or slightly orgasmic. I mean, I think Jacob Rees-Mogg is upsetting as much as it was his policy. He wanted to see it done. But then again, he probably doesn't mind them having a hard time about it. Although I did speak to him today and he did say one thing, which I thought was interesting. I said, oh, so could this be a problem for Rishi Sunak? Could there be a leadership contest at some point?

And he said it would be absolutely loony for the Conservative Party to try to change their leader again. So that sounds like it's almost certainly going to happen. I think the real issue is that the Conservative Party isn't really being Conservative. And I think that's why the voters are upset. And similarly, you've got the Liberal Democrats are not Liberal or Democratic.

You've got Labour who don't really support the working classes. All the support bases, they don't have anyone to support. And I think that's what's going on here. And with Brexit, and I should say, I did vote for Brexit. And I'm nervous about saying that in a Radio 4 room. Because it's not... You're actually getting hit. I know, well, I'm sweating like Diane Abbott in a synagogue right now.

But I've always been confused about the sort of aggression from the left about Brexit. Loads of my friends got really ageist about it. They said, you know, well, all the old people will die off and we can have another vote and then we can go back in. That's not how it works, by the way. It's not like old people die and then there are no more old people. People do get older. Sometimes they change their mind. You know, my friends were saying like, oh, well, the old people, you know, they wouldn't even help them cross the road anymore. They're like, well, they voted for

Brexit. They can take their chances with the traffic. So much hostility. Why do left-wing people love the EU so much? Because it is, whichever way you vote, you must admit the EU is a technocratic, undemocratic, illiberal, right-wing bloc that was set up by the super-rich to protect the interests of the super-rich. You know, I think left-wing people voting for the EU, that's not so much turkeys voting for Christmas, that's turkeys plucking themselves, clambering up into the oven, and then anally penetrating themselves with sage. I just think it's a bit more nuanced than left versus right,

EU, Anthony, you. Sorry, I'm going to have to deduct all your points there. You mentioned the term nuance in relation to Brexit. It's funny, isn't it? Because I can understand where you're coming from with that kind of block that wasn't very democratic and there was these centre-right people overruling what you felt was your country's laws. It's...

Honestly, man, just come up and stay for a couple of years and you'll see exactly how that feels when you're physically joined together. There's none of this division in Austria. Yes, there is. Can we edit the bit out where the audience... You're not allowed to protest or get involved, actually. Yes, indeed, the planned bonfire of EU law

has been downgraded by the government, as it's turned out that ditching huge amounts of complicated legislation has proven to be unexpectedly legislatively complicated, which no one could possibly have predicted without the benefit of hindsight, or indeed, foresight.

Right, at the end of the Pick a Coronation Artifact part of the show, the scores are Andrew and Ian on nought and Susie and Anushka on six. Moving on now to a special music round. It's Eurovision this coming weekend. We are going to give our panellists a quotation.

They have to tell me if it is a lyric from a Eurovision this coming weekend. We are going to give our panellists a quotation. They have to tell me if it is a lyric from a Eurovision song that is going to be warbled in Liverpool this weekend or a quote from a politician in the news this week. So this is a round recording, Eurovision or politician. So as an example, you must only work for 810,000 years. Would that be Eurovision or politicians? Specifically, would it be from Slovenia's song Carpe Diem? Or was it Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Mel Stride

outlining the government's new pensions policy? Well, the answer would be it's Slovenia's song. So, Susie and Anushka, you can have the first quotation. Tell me, is this Eurovision or politicians? There is nothing in the world stronger than our love do you want a clue specifically is it russian miserablest number one vladimir one tank putin or is it germany's eurovision entry doppel troppel that's a blues rock stevie ray vaughan tribute act i, I think it could easily have been either,

but I think it's the politician. Correct. And do you know the context in which you were saying it? His victory parade? Yeah. Although it's a historical thing, isn't it? He's not trying to say he's victorious right now. Yes.

Which is lucky, because... He's not. Yes. But, yeah, only one tank in a military parade. It was not as strong as performance, was it? No, I did see it and I thought to myself, ha, Charlie boy won, Vladdy Putin nil. It's so much worse to have one tank than no tanks.

If you have no tanks, it looks like you've gone, let's not have the tanks this year but with one it's like we've got to find a tank i went um this is like a sentence that sounds like it needs more context but me and my hairdresser went to slovakia recently and um we went on a car demolition tank driving experience. This company, they do, like, stag do's and stuff like that. It's just me and my hairdresser.

We can't go into why. But we were there, and you smash this car up with hammers for a bit, and then you drive over it with a tank. And that's a stag do company. They had two tanks. Ah! Was it fun, driving over something in a tank? Oh yeah, it's great fun.

It was described as the ultimate stress relief activity. And I think it was, but that can't be how I deal with things. He said some interesting things, Putin. He said, our heroic ancestors prove there is nothing stronger, more powerful and more reliable than our unity. Apart from maybe their winter, which I think...

LAUGHTER I mean, it's not going well for poodles, is it, at the moment? LAUGHTER And what do you think is... You know, to try and win back flagging support in the West, what's his next play? The other thing is that because there's a warrant out for him

from the International Criminal Court, so basically if he goes anywhere that's signed up to the ICC, he will literally be arrested. It's a difficult time. He's basically now isolated to Russia. He can't go anywhere. To be arrested. It's a difficult time. He's basically now isolated to Russia. He can't go anywhere. To be fair, it's a big country. It's not as stuck.

You know, it's not like he's a nailer man. It's pretty. This is me here with my tank. Moving on now, Susie and Anushka tell me, is this Eurovision or politician? Life is too short and we sure got to celebrate. Specifically, is that Belgium's Because of You by Gustav or was it Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey

reflecting on last week's local election successes? Oh, I think that just screams Ed Davey. Does it? I'm thinking... I think I watched a lot of him and I don't remember him saying it, so I'm going to put it out there and go Eurovision. Correct, it is from the Belt and Sun, because of you. We'll have a bonus point question. This can go to Andrew and Ian.

Can you complete the following bit of gossip emerging since the local elections? I've heard that psst, psst, psst, psst, it's going to get into bed with psst, psst, psst, psst, but definitely won't be getting back into bed with psst, psst, psst, psst. What was that about? David Cameron and the pig again. Not that.

But that's to do with the potential coalition between Lib Dems and Labour. So Vince Cable came out and said that he thinks it is almost certain that there will be a Lib Dem-Labour coalition, which I thought was surprising for two reasons. Firstly, I think that would be politically disastrous. Secondly, I didn't realise Vince Cable was still alive.

Do you know, he was actually leader in 2019. Is that right? It just feels like so long ago, doesn't it? It's insane. It feels like a lifetime ago. But would this happen? Lib Dems, Labour, do you think it would work, Ian? Yeah, well, I think it could.

I think the Liberal Democrats would go into coalition with anyone. I don't think they'll do it. I mean, what do the Lib Dem voters think about that? I don't think either'll do it. I mean, what do the Lib Dem voters think about that? I don't think either of them would be happy. Can I say that, although I think there is a very high chance of Ed Davey getting into bed with Keir Starmer in a way, my money would not be on a coalition in either direction, because I think the Lib Dems know that it totally screwed them.

It killed them, didn't it? It almost killed them. And I think they've got a lot of voters who are on the Labour-Lib Dem side of things, but they've got a lot of voters on the Lib Dem-Tory side. And so I think if they are kingmakers in the next election, then it will be kind of a deal where we will support your policies, but we're not going to go fully into bed with you.

Because I guess the whole point of voting Liberal Democrat was that they had absolutely no chance of winning. So as a voter, that gave you absolute guarantee you could complain about the government for the next five years. When they lost that in 2010, I don't think they've ever got that support back. I mean, they did very well last week, very, very well. And Rishi Sunak should have recovered in seats

where Boris Johnson was very unpopular, and he didn't. The Liberal Democrats won't get the number of seats that that would suggest because they don't have the ground operation for it. But you would expect them to do fairly well in the next general election. We're talking about Keir Starmer and Ed Davey having to find their personalities, let alone some policies, to try and break through. It's grim. Isn't Ed Davey's a sir as well,. It's... Oh, it's grim.

Isn't Ed Davies a sir as well, isn't he? Yes, I think so. So I think that's their angle. What I liked was when Cameron and Clegg would do those terrible little, like, double-act speeches together. Starmer and Davy, the two sirs. Someone could go, excuse me, sir, and they're both like, oh, mate, him, like, just a bit of...

Have a bit of fun with it right uh let's move on to our final question it will come a day when we will find our way i'll walk through fire and through rain just to get closer to you is that eurovision or politician specifically is it testimony given by Shadow Transport Secretary Louise High to a common select committee quoting trans-Pennine Express passengers,

or is it from Sweden's Loreen and her song Tattoo? I think it's Louise. Can you just repeat it again and I'll just try and remember what the trans-Pennine story was. It will come a day when we will find our way and I'll walk through fire and through rain just to get closer to you.

Also, when the stars align, then I'll be there. Can't be. Can't be. Is this trans-Pennine passengers? It rhymes. Train spokespeople don't rhyme. It's got to be that. Maybe she was quoting something about trains. Also, the Transpennine story was today, so how did she

say it to a select committee? It doesn't make sense. It must be Eurovision. Your times are wrong. That's why you've got a political expert on the panel. It is indeed from Sweden's Eurovision song, Tattoo. For a bonus point question, after the alleged train operator Transpennine Express became the latest and one of the more

deserving victims of cancel culture this week, who is being called in to try to improve performance? I know. Yes? The operator of Last Resort. Correct. Now, when you're getting on a train, how reassuring is it to know

that it's being operated by the operator of last resort? I don't know why they have this weird name, because it's basically the Department for Transport. But for some reason, they call themselves the operator of last resort. Without a hint of irony. That's tremendous. And they only step in if things are really, really, really bad.

I think that's the guy at the royal wedding in the Cape. The operator of last resort. If Keir Starmer gets into power, then Louise Haig is going to make the operator of last resort step in every time that a contract finishes and totally nationalise the statement. Sorry, what does the operator of last resort do? Does he just kill all the train drivers?

He just gets the trains moving with a defibrillator. But he's going to what? He's going to nationalise that particular rail? It just means the government takes over. I don't know why they have to give it the silly name that makes it sound worse than it is. Well, that's fair enough, because you know what they could fix that I really hate, and I heard it today on the train here,

is that announcement that says the train terminates here. I don't think it does. that says the train terminates here i don't think it does i think the journey terminates here i think the train is going to live to see another day isn't it at the end of our eurovisional politics around the scores are ian and andrew have four anushka and suzy have 12 That concludes this week's news quiz. Some breaking news reaching us ahead of Eurovision. There are allegations that Slovakia have cheated by paying Bob Dylan to write the lyrics of their song,

entitled, if I've translated it correctly, as Miserable Looking Dutch Woman. Let me just put that through Google Translate. Sorry, Sad-Eyeyed lady of the lowlands. And more exciting music on the BBC, Desert Island Discs has finally been brought up to date and will henceforth be known as Desert Island Smartphone Music App, enabling guests to take around 12,500 songs each

to their hypothetical island. Do tune in and listen to Lauren Laverne interview award-winning actor Rafael Nadosis about his life, work and musical tastes over five and a half gruelling weeks on 9am next Friday. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Susie McCade, Ian Smith, Anushka Rastana and Andrew Doyle.

In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Simon Alcock, Alex Bertunis-Fernandez and Kate Dennett. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.