Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 13th May

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman. In accordance with the current national custom, I've handed over responsibility for reading the official opening of this week's news quiz to my eldest child. Take it away, kid.

Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman's eldest child. Yes, I do sound really like my dad, don't I? Just stick to the script, will you, kid? Oh, keep your hair on, Dad. Oh, sorry, it's much too late for that, isn't it? It's brutal. Finish the intro, or I'm going to make you watch all my 1980s cricket videos.

Welcome to the News Quiz! Hello. Welcome to the News Quiz. In line with everything else in British politics at the moment, the outcome of today's News Quiz will be decided by Durham Police. Time to meet our teams for this week. We have Team One against Team One's son is sitting in for one this once. On Team One, we have Amy Glenhill and Mark Steele.

And on Team Sun, we have Angela Barnes and from The Telegraph, Michael Deacon. And our first question can go to Mark and Amy. What opens to, at best, lukewarm reviews across the board this week? And to give you a clue, I'm not talking about Gove the musical. Well, I guess this is the opening of the Parliament, which is... See, the first, before anything else we've here, this is the way we're used to this, and

it's mad. We're just... It's mad that we're used to it. If you sit... Oh, the State Opening of Parliament, and there are people with green things in their hair and garters and white stockings, and they're walking down the street

carrying a purple cushion with a golden envelope on it and some official Lord Provost of the Chancellery of Lancastrian something is sat on a chair waving and there's someone called Black Rod dressed all in black with a hood who's like half bondage, half ISIS. He's got a stick and they bang it three times on a door and the door opens and everybody walks off backwards

and the commentators treat it as if it's their normal Ah, the equer is looking as splendid as ever whereas they should be going What the bloody hell's everyone doing? I've never had a dream this mental after I've eaten all the cheese What are they up to? There's the Archbishop of Canterbury firing a flamingo from a cannon.

Duke of Westminster there fellating two porcupines. One to represent Parliament and one for the monarchy. And this is the way the country's run. Charles reading that speech obviously hadn't written it and it did have the air of a hostage video about it. Obviously, I really feel for the Queen.

She's 96, she should be allowed to abdicate, really, if she wants. Because abdication's now a bad word for British people, with the whole thing with Edward VIII and everything. So I think she should just announce her conscious uncoupling. It's quite an interesting thing, isn't it? Sitting in for your mummy at work. Have any of you ever done that? Well, I have stepped in for my dad at work,

but my dad ran a sex shop, so that was quite... My dad ran a sex shop in Great Yarmouth, so it was really classy. And, yeah, imagine, take your daughter to work day was quite fun. But I will say, incidentally, relative to this story, my dad did sell something called a black rod, so... I don't know why he had to step in. Because of technology, they could have had a hologram

or a deep fake of the Queen, or they could have got a lucky-likey. You know, like, Saddam used to have his stand-ins, and my cousin Michelle, at her 40th, she got a lucky-likey. Not of Saddam of the Queen. Wasn't that sort of party. And she was brilliant. She was only £25 an hour.

I think she got her off Gumtree, and at the end, even though... She did. And even though nobody asked her to at the end, she just sang, Hey, Big Spender. It was brilliant. And I just thought, this is what this ceremony's lacking. Just a bit of razzle-dazzle. So maybe they should have gone down that route.

They're lucky-like, because as long as they look like it, they don't have to sound like them, but were they from Hull? Oh, yeah. Because that would be great if you got a host. Everybody thought, oh, it's Prince Charles, and then he went, right, my government's got all Lord of Bloody Law. That is levelling up, right? The Prince of Wales is now from Hull.

Michael, you're a parliamentary sketch writer. How do you enjoy the ludicrous ceremony that you've described so eloquently? No, I always used to love all that. I used to love all the titles. I spent ten years, I went to the State Opening Department ten years in a row and I still don't know what the gold stick in waiting is.

I don't know whether your dad had one of those. Oh, certainly. Is that what it's called? The gold stick in waiting? Yeah. That's a person. Oh. There is a person who is the gold stick in waiting. I'm afraid I still don't know who they are or what they do, but that is an actual title of a person.

So one day they get to be the gold stick? Moving on to some of the contents of the Queen's speech. This will go to Michael and Angela. How many wrongs make a Bill of Rights? Oh, yeah, the government's going to bring in a new Bill of Rights to replace the existing Human Rights Act, I think is right, yeah. And I know a lot of people, particularly on the left, are very worried about this and getting a bit carried away

because they think, well, our human rights are going to be taken away. I don't think we should get too worried about that because the Human Rights Act only came in about the year 2000. I'm fairly sure we had at least one or two rights before that. So I don't think that the day the government rips that up, we're all going to be working up chimneys from the age of two years old or something like that.

You have seen our government, haven't you? I actually think the reason they want to get rid of the Human Rights Act is not necessarily because they hate human rights. It's because the Human Rights Act is based on European law. And they don't want European rights, they want us to have British rights. So they're going to get rid of all this red tape and replace it with red, white and blue tape.

Proud British red tape, that kind of thing. Because that's what they want to do. There was another part of the Queen's speech, which is what the Brexit Freedoms Act. And again, that is about tearing up European law and replacing it with British law, basically. They call it the bonfire of EU regulation, which is nice,

because old people would be able to keep themselves warm by it. Any other of the... Because there were 38 bills involved. Any particular highlights? Well, the legalising e-scooters. Is that a real one? That's real, isn't it? Yes. That's bonkers. And it's kind of sad, because I think by legalising e-scooters. Is that a real one? That's real, isn't it? Yes, yeah. That's bonkers, and it's kind of sad,

because I think by legalising them, you've really taken away the bad boy image that the e-scooter has. And I just think there's nothing as sexy as watching a middle manager going six miles per hour down the road, wind in his tie, and a helmet on on a children's toy. going six miles per hour down the road, wind in his tie, and a helmet on on a children's toy.

I think legalising it does take it out. And also, I don't know if it's just because I'm Northern, but e-scooter. I can't hear electronic scooter. I just say e-scooters. Is it a coincidence that they've announced they're going to legalise e-scooters just as the Queen's announced she's got mobility problems? Well, I think the E does stand for Elizabeth. Right, got it.

Yes, this is the State Opening of Parliament. Prince Charles became the first prince to deliver the Queen's speech since Prince, the American pop superstar, did so during a 1985 job swap scheme. Saw Her Majesty rocking the Hollywood Bowl with a sensational display of funk-fuelled guitar virtuosity. A leaked rumour suggests that the Queen was overheard explaining why she didn't go to do her Queen's speech.

This leak came from this morning's Windsor Castle bridge session where apparently she said, well it's absolutely bloody pointless, isn't it? They never let me write my own stuff. I can barely even get away with a weary roll of the eyes these days and when sod all ever happens from the deluge of bills and half-arsed plans I have to spout

out like a performing walrus, it makes me look like the right chump, doesn't it? And don't get me started on the fancy dress. Do you know how much crowns weigh? That's why I'm so short these days. I was six foot three when I came to the throne. 38 bills and draft bills were announced, including the levelling up and regeneration bill,

which aims to give residents more involvement in local developments. The transport bill, which will expand the legal use of the controversial e-scooters, which could be the future of all transport, with all due respect to the Zorbing board, but at the moment it's just a very effective way of making pedestrians feel like a skittle. At the end of that round

it is four points to both teams. We left you last week on a gripping cliffhanger. What was going to happen in the Northern Ireland Assembly and local elections? So we'll catch up with that now, and this question can go to Michael and Angela. What result led to people asking, are you OK, to the UK?

This is Northern Ireland, isn't it? This is Sinn Féin becoming the largest party in the Northern Ireland Assembly for the first time ever. And that's made a lot of unionists quite nervous because they think maybe this is the first step down the road to a united Ireland. And it's happening at the same time

as the Westminster government is threatening to rip up the Northern Ireland Protocol and that will create a big rift with the EU and possibly a trade war and yet more sort of destabilization in Northern Ireland and you know if it comes to that I think that would be terrible shame because it could all have been avoided you know a couple of years ago it's too late now but if they just listen to me a couple of years ago if both sides British government and

the EU sat down together and come to an agreement instead instead of the UK leaving the EU, the EU should join the UK. And then you don't have to worry about the Irish border and the Northern Ireland Protocol, because Northern Ireland and Ireland, like Germany, Italy, and the rest of them, are all part of the UK, and therefore there is no Irish border. So you see, this is, I don't see how anyone could possibly object to that. I'm sure the Irish in particular would have been happy with that solution. But unfortunately, you know, our government and Brussels, they lacked the vision for that, and we're now paying the price. What's that kind of compromise that was lacking?

I personally thought one week on, one week off would have worked. Amy, Hull Council went to the Lib Dems, who took over from Labour for the first time in ten years. Now, as a... Hulster, is that the word? Hulligan? Hullab went to the Lib Dems who took over from Labour for the first time in 10 years Now as a Hullster is that the word? Hulligan? Hullaballooner? What do you call someone from Hull? What does this mean for the city and the whole

humbersidal area? Well Not humberside, never humberside still East Yorkshire, thank you very much Thank you Well as a codhead Never Humberside, still East Yorkshire. Thank you very much. Thank you. Well, as a codhead, that's the technical term for us, it was really interesting because Hull's been quite a divided city for a little bit, so we've got really staunch Labour supporters

that go back generations, and we've got really sort of fiery Conservative voters who just want to be heard and sort of activate some sort of change. And what we've done really brilliantly, I think, is we've come together and just completely given up. We've given up on wanting anything, no matter if you're on the left or the right, you've gone, oh, sod it, let's all be miserable together.

But from what I've heard, people's views of the Labour council at the moment, it sort of feels like switching to Lib Dem is like being sick of your living room being painted beige and instead redecorating it with another beige, but a slightly cheaper and sadder one. And Darren Hale, who's the leader of Hull Labour Group, so he said, quite sarcastically, I think, in defeat, he said,

I look forward to all the roadworks being completed in the middle of the night by magic pixies with no disruption to the public, but we'll see. And I just don't know why he didn't get in because he seems like a really nice, reasonable guy. Just needed to put the magic pixies pledge on the side of a bus

and I think it would have won people over. Well, Labour just don't see... Just even with a government that's just utterly, utterly in chaos and people don't like it and everything, but Labour... When Keir Starmer popped up because of all the parties and everything, first of all, I sort of felt the same way as if you see a branch of Woolworths that's open. You think, I'd forgot you were still going.

And then you get these sort of well-meaning Labour Party members and you think, oh, bless you, I know you mean well, but they make these speeches where they go, bless you, I know you mean well but they make these speeches where they go I we are now got more poverty in the country than at any time since the stone age

there are over two million food banks in my street alone when I look out of the window I see nothing but relentless misery and gloom and no slight even faint, glimmer of hope. Vote Labour.

There's just nothing inspiring. They should be able to walk it with this bunch. Every day there's a new scandal. There'll probably be next week, there'll be some minister who's found naked on the roof of a garden centre rubbing peanut butter into his crutch. I was actually looking at welding equipment.

I think there's a charisma problem, isn't there? Because, you know, however unjust or just or whatever you may think it is, British people like a character. And the Labour Party is going to have to find one because Keir Starmer isn't, I think the defence of Keir Starmer in this party gate thing is really simple to defend him, he can't be fined for attending

a party because even in non Covid times, the minute Keir Starmer enters a party it stops being a party. At least Boris's parties look like fun. I look at that picture of the Keir Starmer, even the beer looks bored. In terms of the politics of it, Michael,

Labour's attempted to consolidate its hold on politics's moral not quite as low ground by Starmer and Angela Rayner, pledging to resign if fined by the Durham police after their election campaign curry. In terms of the political strategy of it, do you think this is a smart move to say that he will quit? Well, I don't think it's a smart move by the Conservatives. I don't understand why they're trying to get rid of Starmer putting all this pressure on him because i would have thought he

was an electoral asset to them if anything i mean if the conservatives were a bit smarter they'd be doing everything they can to keep starmer in you know they'd be going to the press and saying oh no no he's clearly drinking you know a mango smoothie not a beer and it was actually 10 in the morning not 10 at night this is a thing i think we learnt, if we've learnt nothing else over the last couple of years is that British people don't seem to mind when their politicians lie. And I think Keir Starmer's just going to have to get on board with that. He's just going to have to start, just tell

them what they want to hear, Keir. I mean, for Christ's sake, I'm only here because I told Andy I like cricket. I can't stand it. So on the question of whether you should resign, we've actually got the BBC shame-o-meter linked up for this evening's recording. So I'm going to get the machine switched on here. There we go, we're ready to go.

Right, so this can go to Amy and Mark on team one. Put yourself in this scenario. You are the captain of a submarine that was caught in a compromising situation with a blue whale. Albeit a blue whale that was wearing a sensuously tight-fitting whale skin onesie, as they so often do. Should you resign?

That's a tough one. Could we say the whale was a tractor? The tractor of the sea, I believe. A tractor of the sea. Yeah, I would resign. Would you resign, Mark? No, not for that, no. Not for that.

I think on an animal rights basis, I would say the whale is entitled to pleasure. And I don't know what else is going to satisfy a whale other than a submarine. Let's find out what the shameometer says. Resign. Unless you can prove the whale made the first move. prove the whale made the first move. At the end of that round it is six points all.

This question can go to both teams. Who is going to stop saying no tar to NATO? Is this Finland? It is Finland, Mark, yes. to NATO. Is this Finland? Oh, sorry. It is Finland, Mark. Yes, well done. Are you excited by the expansion of NATO?

Because it's currently 30 nations, Mark. Two more, Finland and Sweden both join. 32 makes it much easier to have internal competitions than do a straight five-round knockout or eight groups of four. I'm never a fan of it. Yes, exactly, with the World Cup, I thought it was always better when it was 16 teams

and Finland should have been there earlier, shouldn't they? They'd have thought if they'd left it till now. So what 14 member states of NATO are you getting rid of then? America. They just dominate it all the time, don't they? Ruin it for everyone else. I guess, I mean, clearly from a Russian point of view, things haven't been going flawlessly.

I mean, do we see the expansion of NATO as a... Is it ever going to end, or are we going to end up with just every single country in the world apart from Russia and Belarus? Well, I like the fact that Putin invaded Ukraine because he's against NATO expansion, and now he's causing NATO expansion, because Finland and Sweden have always been against joining NATO,

and now they're desperately knocking on the door trying to get in. I kind of think Putin's missing a trick, though, because the whole point of NATO is if any member state of NATO is attacked, all the others have to leap to its defence. So I think if Putin was smart, he'd apply for Russia to join NATO and then, you know, Ukraine try and defend itself, we've got to join in and help Russia. He's not thought it through.

You know, he probably, I can understand why he's worried about these Nordic countries, because those Scandi detectives are bloody terrifying. They're going to deploy chunky sweaters. Yes, Finland and, it seems, Sweden are set to apply to join NATO, or as it's also

known, Club 1949. Russia threaten retaliation, but to be fair to Finland and Sweden, applying to join the Russian Federation isn't looking too attractive right now. I mean, the way they go about trying to sign up new members seems a little bit on the aggressive side. Britain has also signed a mutual security pact with Finland.

Finland has previously been neutral since the Second World War. For any of our younger listeners who don't know a world without social media, neutral is an archaic, redundant term for not taking one side or the other uh moving on to another international story mark you've been in france this week on um i believe on an exchange scheme you're in fact your place last week on the news quiz was taken by a french comedian unfortunately he was a mime artist it didn't really fly if you listen carefully you can hear the sound of gloves moving through air, depending on the quality of your download.

Two questions, or as they say in France, deux questions. Are they going to give us Calais back? And question two, Emmanuel Macron has called for a new what that could include whom? Well, the first question, again, this is like the British attitude. This is what we know about abroad, isn't it? We think that France, we think the president is Napoleon. And we think there's three towns in France. Paris, a town called the South of France. And a boulogne for buying cheap fags.

Is that the answer? Well, basically, yes. Macron suggested a European political community that could involve Ukraine and the United Kingdom. Mark, do you think there's any legs in this idea? What? They're trying to drag us back in against our will.

These people never learn. What I've noticed going over, because I've been trying to do these shows in French over there, what I love is when you sort of, because you'll get occasionally someone from Britain will try to learn French, but they'll go, I've learnt the words, that's enough.

I'm certainly not going to bother with the accent. J'ai appris les mots, ça suffit. Or whatever, wherever they're from, Birmingham or whatever. J'ai appris que Birmingham, je préfère solitaire, mate. J'ai appris que je ne dois pas m'apprendre. Je m'appelle Elf, je supporte West End. Right, moving on to our final round. Moving on to our final round. A number of things are going to be disappearing From our shelves

You have to pick the odd one out Only one of these famous products Will continue being produced Out of the iPod FIFA, the renowned football simulation game The JRM3000X That's the talking toy Jacob Rees-Mogg robot Or Gary Lineker.

Which of those products is the only one that's going to still be produced? Amy, any suggestions? Was it Gary Lineker? Correct. Lineker is... Yeah, there were rumours that he was going to leave Match of the Day, but they actually mint a brand-new Gary Lineker every week. Brilliant.

And so he is the one that's going to continue. He does look good for his age, considering all the crisps he eats. Yeah, the iPod is going to be no more. Are you going to miss it? It just makes me feel really old, because isn't the iPod new?

Aren't these things get harder. iTunes, I thought I'd mastered that a few years ago, but now it's got harder and it's just there to humiliate you in front of your kids and you go, oh, no, Dad, what's the matter with you? You need to convert it to an MP3. What's the matter? You've got to reset your Apple ID. Download, Dad, drag the file.

Not the old computer, you've got to drag the file. But in the end, I think, oh, it's just easier to form a band and learn the bloody stuff You do get to a point where you just can't, my husband won't have an Alexa in the house, like he won't have one because he thinks they know too much and they do don't they, because they

sort of, then Amazon will flog you stuff depending on what you're listening to on your Alexa. So like, it can tell what sort of person you are, what mood you might be in. So if you're listening to a lot of Adele, you might be quite depressed. If you're listening to a lot of Billy Bragg, you might be quite angry. If you're listening to a lot of Jerry Halliwell, you're Jerry Halliwell.

Like, just... And any bits of technology you'd like to get rid of? Well, look, I work for the Daily Telegraph, so we've only just discovered the gramophone. I've got to tell you, it is not a patch on the wax cylinder. I don't think the gramophone's going to last, frankly. I don't trust it. I think it's listening to me.

Yes, Apple has announced the end of the iPod, the music player that revolutionised the personal audio market and meant that we didn't have to carry around our own three-piece blues band anymore. EA Sports have said that FIFA 23 will be the last iteration of its popular football simulation game, although the FIFA Admin Series is to be launched, focusing more on getting away with massive corruption

and awarding tournaments to places with abysmal human rights records. It has a cheat mode, which is the entire game. That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. Oh, aren't we doing Rebecca Vardy? Well, we can if you want. I thought we would. What's, er... OK, OK. I've got no opinion on it.

Oh, right. I've got no opinion on it That brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz Well the final score is 8 to AB and Mark on team 1 and 9 to Michael and Angela on Team Sun. Just some breaking news reaching us. Excavations near Stratford-on-Avon for the HS2 line have uncovered a new Shakespeare manuscript showing product placement in some of the first drafts

of the great playwright's works, including Et Tu, Brute? I, Et Three. Try the all-new potato. A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse. But not just any horse, an M&S horse. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Goodbye. The serial was written by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth and Cameron Loxdale. The producer was Richard Morris and it was a BBC Studios production. This is the first radio ad you can smell. Thank you.