Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 15th September

Episode Date: October 13, 2023

Lucy Porter, Tom Ballard, Anushka Asthana, and Mark Steel joined Andy Zaltzman to quiz the week's news.In this episode Andy and the panel search for the world's most obvious spy, the world's most awkward train ride, and the UK's worst road.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by Cody Dahler Mike Shephard and Christina RiggsProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Katie Baum Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. Inspired by the Rugby World Cup, using children's choirs to sing incomprehensible versions of the team's national anthems before matches, the News Quiz theme this week will be performed by an orchestra of terrapins in a special

bucket. Away you go. Put some effort in. Come on. Terrence, you're supposed to be leading this. Trisha, you've let me down here. I'm just not sure this is sitting in the right atmosphere. Vaguely recognisable, but it's not what people wanted to...

I just hope it doesn't affect the atmosphere in the crowd. OK, guys, I'll try and get this back on track. Welcome to the News Quiz! Our teams this week to commemorate Putin and Kim Jong-un's least romantic date of the year so far, we have Team Russian towards oblivion and Team Careering out of control. On Team Oblivion, we have Lucy Porter

and, from ITV News, Anushka Astana. And Team Out of Control comes from not one, but two of the most famous hemispheres on Earth, the North and the south From the south from Australia specifically. It's Tom Ballard and from the most popular side of the equator 6.9 billion people can't be wrong. What a hemisphere go north any hemisphere that can produce both Michelangelo and Michael Atherton has to be a pretty special hemisphere Sorry, I'm just so proud of my hemisphere. sometimes it spills out. It's Mark Steele!

I'm very proud to be representing the Renaissance. Before we start, just to be on the safe side, is anyone here a spy for the Chinese government? Oh, I don't like that hesitation. No? Right. Is that the same process that Parliament uses to scan data? I don't think it's slightly more advanced.

Anyway, round one this week, we have the Board of Doom. Now, we've inputted all of the week's news from around the country, the world and the universe into this. Tim, which is the threat identifying machine to generate the top nine threats that are threatening our way of life this week.

I will just print them off onto the board of doom. Here is our board of threats, threats one through nine, the top nine threats facing us. I'll ask our panellists to pick a number from one to nine to choose something threatening our existence. First go to Mark and Tom. Pick your threat. I like four.

Four. Four, please, Andy your threat. I like four. Four. Four, please, Andy. You've chosen threat four. Oliver Dowden, the Deputy Prime Minister, has seriously warned... Sorry, I misread that. Oliver Dowden, the Deputy Prime Minister... Seriously?!

..has warned that we in Britain need to be clear-eyed about what threat to our nation. This is the spy thing, then? Yes. You know the amazing thing? Nobody is in the slightest bit surprised because this government now is the

most useless, incompetently, fantastically, exuberantly, magnificently crap pile of other words there. It's just, it's unbelievable. Anyone would be better than this. If you just got a random homeless person

and made them Prime Minister and you turned on the telly and they were going, would the Prime Minister go, who are you looking at? You go, oh, there's been an improvement. Unbelievable. Rishi Sunak must get in every morning.

What's happened today? Oh, Suella Bravman was filmed stabbing a panda with a fork. Michael Gove has admitted to organising illegal dogfights in the woods in Kent, and Jeremy Hunt's been caught digging up the Queen. Grant Shapps has admitted that he's been doing the catering for ISIS. Just another day.

It's just unbelievable. Surely there must be something in a non-existent constitution that says, you don't want to stay here anymore. Nobody wants you here. Just go. And we'll just have random people running the town. Am I going to have to be right-wing to provide some balance? Yes, you ought to.

You don't have to be right-wing to provide some balance. I mean, even normal Conservatives on that go, well, I've been a Conservative all my life, but they've made it worse, and I've tried my best to make it impossible. That sounded suspiciously close to Boris Johnson. Somehow they've done it, I'll leave Dunny tonight. It makes me absolutely furious.

I'm sorry, your Boris Johnson is the Tasmanian devil. I think the story this week was about parliamentary staffers being arrested back in March on suspicion of being alleged Chinese spies. Still maintains innocence, we're going to see what happens. It's quite a scandal, it's a Chinese Communist Party gate. And apparently one of these stuffers is very young for a Chinese spy, alleged Chinese spy. He's in his 20s, which I just think it's quite funny

to think of a spy smuggling state secrets and also renting at the same time. He does look like the least likely Chinese spy I've ever seen. It was like paragraph three in the stories about him were like, and he's on a dating app. And I was like, what? And then it was like, he's on a dating app and he tried to go on a date with a Sun journalist. You're thinking, oh, these are the sophisticated new techniques that the Chinese use. But it's a weird thing to be accused of randomly, isn't it? Like, we just think you've got a sort of spy kind of air about you mate it's extraordinary. I mean you know the Tories have always said

they're acting in the nation's interests but they didn't specify which nation it's a little loophole they've dug for themselves. Has the dating app thing been part of the spying or was that just a separate? No I just think they thought it was important enough to put it right at the top of the news story. I mean spies

have really, I mean James Bond wouldn't need a dating app would he? But he is denying it vociferously. He's put out a statement saying, I'm not a spy. Unfortunately, he wrote it in Invisible Inc, so that's... And then, obviously, China have said, no, we don't... Spies in the UK? No, we don't do that. And they had a guy on Andrew Marr's show,

a spokesperson for the Chinese Communist Party, and he came on and he said, look, we don't perceive the UK as a competitor. And I thought, that is lovely, a little bit of conciliatory language. But that was not his vibe. He went on to say, we make more electric cars than anyone else in the world, we make more batteries. You're not a competitor, you are nothing.

Why would the Chinese bother with us now? For the Chinese to look at sort of taking us over, it'd be, you know, if you're sort of trying to buy a house and then you might see a really cheap one and you think, oh, what's that? And then it just turns out to be derelict. And that'd be what the Chinese, they'd be, look at us, and they'd go, where do they put their sewage on the beach?

What are their schools made of? Concrete that falls on the kids' heads. What's their train system? Four trains out of 1,000 work a day. We looked at it and we decided it was too much work. I think the Tories can probably not bother knocking on your door next election. Because they usually see you as a bit of a floating voter.

I think Mark is absolutely right that it is embarrassing. I reckon that the Chinese spies, you know if they have the big spy debriefing session with all their spies, they'll be going, right, okay, so we've heard what's going on in America, Israel, Germany, France, all right, here's a little bit of a treat.

It'll be like, you know, at the end of the news where they do the story about the skateboarding duck. And finally. And finally, come on, let's hear from Tristan what's going on in the UK. Oh, my God, they're making who Defence Secretary. This is prideful. Rishi Sunak described China's actions to undermine British democracy as completely what? Unacceptable. Unacceptable. Correct. Yeah, that's the job of the House of

Lords. I've been on a few trips covering prime ministers as a reporter and they go into these meetings and then they come out and they're like, I went in there and I really gave them hell. And that clip from Rishi Sunak was a bit like that, wasn't it? It was like, yeah, we're going to tell China what. And I always imagine that actually inside the meeting, it's like, oh, nice cup of tea, chat about the weather. Oh, I think you're doing a great job. And also, yeah, human rights.

OK, see you. You imagine they're just in there going, can you make it sound like I'm beating you up? Apparently, when Sudeik was speaking to Chinese Premier Li at the G20, he did emphasise human rights, as he mentioned. He emphasised the UK's unyielding commitment to human rights, which was very impressive, because he managed to say it without laughing.

After immediately reaffirming Britain's commitment to human rights, he confirmed that if this alleged Chinese spy was found guilty, he would immediately be shipped to Rwanda on board a Salmonella barge. Yes, China, the famous Asian superpower, is facing being formally designated a threat to Britain under security laws. This comes after news emerged that a Conservative parliamentary researcher was arrested early this year on suspicion of spying for China. He has denied the charges, just like a spy would. And just like someone who isn't a spy would as well.

There are increasing concerns in the West about China, with the Pentagon reportedly looking to use technology to counter China's numerical advantage in personnel. Estimates suggest that China has developed a 2 million strong army. And this time, they haven't made the mistake of making them out of terracotta. Former Prime Minister Liz Truss described China army and this time they haven't made the mistake of making them out of terracotta former prime minister liz trust described china as the greatest threat britain faces but has pledged to fight to regain her spot at the top of the rank so at the end of that question it's two points to team out of control and one point to team

oblivion lucy and anushka choose your threat from our board of Doom. If it's a threat, I think it should be a triple threat. We can sing, we can dance and we can cry on cue. Right. You're going for three. Number three? Yeah. This autumn marks the 50th anniversary of Gladys Knight and the Pips

releasing the hit single, Midnight Train to Georgia. Amazing to think that's already a 20th of a millennium ago. I love Gladys Knight and the Pips, but I especially love the Pips because I think that is the crappiest name for a backing band. Imagine them hanging out with other singers and they're all going, yeah, I'm a Commodore, oh, yeah, I'm a drifter, and they have to go, I'm a Pip.

But then, you know, which of those groups played every single day at 6pm on Radio 4? If Gladys and or the pips were to release a 50th anniversary reboot of the song and factor in this week's news, that song would likely be called What Train To What? He's leaving on a heavily armoured train to Russia. Correct.

Yes, that is the correct answer. The bulletproof armoured train to Vladivostok. Kim Jong-un, of course, or Kim Wrong-un, as we call him in our house. We'll show him. The satire never stops. I mean, you've mentioned two of my absolute favourite things here, Gladys Knight and the Pips, and trains.

This is the only way in which I am in any way Michael Portillo's type. I love a train. It was gorgeous, wasn't it? Absolutely gorgeous, this train. Apparently he doesn't fly because he's scared that a plane would get shot, but apparently the train's OK. But you don't fly around Putin these days, so you don't want to take that risk.

But the train, obviously, because the train is really heavily armoured and bomb-proof and bulletproof, but because of that, it's so heavy that it can only travel at 28 miles an hour. It'd probably be a new excuse for southern trains to come up with, though, wouldn't it? We apologise for the late running of the 8.43 to Victoria. This is due to it being heavily armed and bulletproof.

Well, he says he can conduct all his business from it as well, which obviously his train Wi-Fi is better than any. Wouldn't the conversation between those two be the most pointless dialogue? Because they'd just be going, I got a hole in one for the 14th time in a row. I ran a mile in a second. I've got the biggest ostrich in the world.

It's quite an odd way to travel. When you find yourself sitting in a private, bulletproof armoured train, there must come a point when you think, what am I doing with my life? At the summit, Kim Jong-un, the 13-time winner of the relative you least want to see turning up at a family gathering award, said that North Korea and Russia

will stand together in the fight against what? Peace. Peace has always been our biggest enemy, Andy. Peace is always waiting. As soon as we stop fighting, peace is there, ready to pounce and take over the world. And I, for one, think I'm glad that there are brave men like Vladimir and Jong-un. They're there and they're ready to stop peace taking over everything.

I think that's beautiful. No, I believe they said they were going to stand together in a fight against imperialism, which is a lovely sentiment. I'm also against imperialism. Imperialism is very bad. What undermines the argument is that Russia is currently doing a shitload of imperialism. Russia and North Korea teaming up to against imperialism. Imperialism is very bad. What undermines the argument is that Russia is currently doing a shitload of imperialism. Russia and North Korea teaming up to fight imperialism

is like a dog teaming up with Russell Brand to fight leg humping. I guess they're talking about NATO imperialism, but we can't help but notice that the legal war that Vladimir Putin is currently involved with. And shooting the old North Korean missiles into the sea. That'll do it. They hate the sea. The natural enemy of his hair. Mark, I mean, you're

generally against imperialism. Does this mean you're massively in favour of Putin and Kim Jong-un and their fight against it? Well, I'd like to provide a balanced view, but this is horrible. And week after week on Radio 4, comedians quite reasonably do jokes about them,

but they just seem to carry on. This just doesn't make any impact at all. Maybe it does. Maybe there's a little bit of Ukraine that they would have sort of shelled, but someone's gone, I think this would make them even more angry in News Quiz. Now to the North Korean voice. Yeah, it's just horrible, isn't it?

And it all just... He's got nuclear weapons. They've both got nuclear weapons, haven't they? At one point, Vladimir Putin said he put his nuclear weapons on high alert because of a speech by Liz Truss. I remember thinking, I suppose I can just about come to terms with thousands of years of

human civilisation coming to an end, but let it not be because of a speech by Liz Truss. Do you think they would, though? Do you get any inside information in the newsroom? What, from my mate Vladimir? No, not necessarily from Vladimir, but, you know, does the word go round sometimes?

Oh, I tell you what, we can't broadcast this, but... I mean, not on nuclear Armageddon, but, you know, there are sometimes things that you hear. Yeah, you do get coded warnings on the weather forecast if you know what you're listening for. I believe they also avoided discussing you, Les. Too controversial. Right, choose another threat, Tom and Mark.

One. Threat number one. No way, that's the most threatening one. You think so? No, it's not in order. Oh, OK. OK, your question on threat number one. No way, that's the most threatening one. Do you think so? No, it's not in order. Oh, OK. OK, your question on threat number one. Labour leader Keir Starmer has pledged

that if he becomes prime minister, he will treat whom like terrorists? I believe it's people smugglers. Yes. They smuggle them like the way drug smugglers do, you know. Strap them underneath the shirt, swallow a couple. Yes, apparently Labor said they were going to treat people smugglers as terrorists if they win, so I guess that means they'll all be sent

to Wandsworth Prison where they'll be able to easily escape under a delivery van and go for a nice bike ride by the canal. If Labor really want to show they're going to be tough, they should say we're going to treat terrorists like we treat people on a slightly different faction of our own path. Politically, I think it's quite good because actually it means you can say

I'm getting tough on something, but it is something that we all think they're bastards. Do you know what I mean? I don't know i think he might have lost the people smuggle a vote here when he first passed the post that could actually be quite crucial but actually it's politically a bit dangerous this policy as well because the tories are a bit gleeful about it because as well as the people smuggle a bit which i think everyone can agree with he also said he was going to do a returns agreement with the EU. This is about people coming over to claim asylum on boats. And all the right wing

media and the Conservatives and Rishi Sunak were like, oh, Labour are going to bring loads of migrants over. And it has become a very big stick with which to attack the Labour Party. I think Rishi Sunak said that it meant Labour were going to bring over 100,000 people. I have no idea where they got that number from. But it also turns out that just a few months ago, Rishi Sunak was trying to negotiate a returns agreement. So that's where our politics is right now. Well, and also because there's the whole thing about

if you negotiate with the EU, essentially that means you're going to reverse Brexit immediately. It's like if your boyfriend goes out with his ex-girlfriend for a coffee or something and you're there seething at home going, oh, they're probably kissing now. And there's this real thing... Probably would have reason to be seething in that situation. Do you know what? Maybe I'm pro-Brexit now.

Starmer described the Tory claims that it would lead to 100,000 EU migrants coming to the UK every year as embarrassing nonsense. I mean, does this suggest that the Tories are onto something? Because embarrassing nonsense generally hits home pretty effectively with the election. Could this be the start of the fight back? I mean, he is hoping that he can put himself out as statesmanlike.

I mean, Keir Starmer he can put himself out as statesman-like. I mean, Keir Starmer actually in the polling trails his party. The Labour Party is at a healthy minus 11, which actually is quite healthy right now, believe it or not, because the Tory party is at minus 48. Keir Starmer is ahead of Rishi Sunak, but still at minus 20. And so you would think that Keir Starmer now wants to, like, really focus on the Labour Party and less on him but suddenly it's all about Keir I mean not only is he at Interpol signing papers he's meeting President Macron next week which is very unusual

and surely has ruffled some feathers in number 10 and I don't know if anyone has seen and if you haven't immediately google it after this the cover of the Labour conference brochure this year. It's the indie album that he always wanted to release. Someone said it's like a member of a boy band going solo. Definitely worth a look, but it's all Keir. It's all Keir. So clearly they want to make the Labour Party much more Keir Starmer-focused now.

I wish he'd say something about something. I don't really care what it is. I think he's the great genius of Keir Starmer. He says nothing and then a week later goes back on it. I love the idea of being negative 11, like zero being an aspiration. Go for you, I believe in you.

I've been so broke, you go I can't wait to be skint. Right, Lucy and Anushka, choose your threat from the remaining numbers. Well, on the basis that it's getting bigger and bigger, I'm going to go nine. Nine, OK. There is, of course, no greater threat to our happiness, freedom and spirit than getting stuck in traffic on a motorway. Which motorway has this week retained its title as Britain's worst?

Very much in my bailiwick, this. I'm a travelling comedian, and the M6. Correct. Yes! We agree. It is a terrible motorway. I would argue, though, that the M25 must be looking at it going, what do I have to do?

It's like Glenn Close with the Oscars, you know. It's just like, I just, I try... Because at least the M6 goes somewhere, right? The M28 is just, you go in a big circle, with a half-an-hour stop at Heathrow and Dartford, inexplicably at any time of the day or night. You're making a mistake there of thinking that the M25 is a motorway. The M

in M25 stands for metaphor for human life. Don't get me wrong, the M6 is awful. I grew up in Manchester, spent a lot of time driving up it. Junctions 12 to 19, really bad. Really annoying when you go on the toll in this pole.

It was like the M5 is the best motorway. And I don't know about you, but I've been on both and they're pretty similar. It's like Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak. The M5 being Keir Starmer currently or minus whatever. I've been on it. It's really busy. It's really annoying. It looks exactly the same as the M6. I don't really understand. I have no idea what we're talking about, but how about you shut your mouth, OK? M5 until I die, baby. So, I mean, the M6 is the longest motorway in the UK. It's 230 miles long.

Although the M4 feels longer because of the drag factor of Swindon, I always say. I mean, 230 miles. Can you imagine a road that long in Australia? 230 miles. You're all so cute. To us, that's a country lane. That's a cul-de-sac. God bless.

But there was a big poll in The Telegraph that was reporting on this story, and they sort of asked Telegraph readers, you know, what do you think could improve the M6? And they suggested that it should be repaved with the bodies of Just Stop All protesters. It's a smart motorway, the M6, is that right? It's a smart motorway, which I prefer dump motorways myself. I prefer motorways where all the signs

have spelling mistakes and they're all built by people who watch Love Island, you know. My preference. Well, the smart motorways have been very unpopularpopular largely because they're confusing and dangerous and slow um apart from that people love them they shut at night now that's so annoying so you're sort of you're coming back from somewhere and you think oh two and a half hours and i'll be home and then it's just that horrible thing it's midnight and then there's just all cones and you're forced off it and then it's just that horrible thing. It's midnight, and then there's just all cones,

and you're forced off it, and then it's quarter past two, and you're in middle Thresbury. And there's sort of these little yellow metal signs come out, and it'll say, follow the diversion. But there'll be eight or nine different shapes, like an IQ test. You've got to follow the hexagon, but accidentally you sort of follow the heptagon. Then you end up back at the bloody theatre where you started.

Just there. Why do they do that? They never used to shut... I don't want to sound like an old man, but motorways never used to shut at night, did they? It's the point of a road that shuts at random hours of the day. When you go to somewhere like Flitwick, that's probably how the place exists,

is there was no one there until 25 years ago, and the M1 kept shutting, and then there's hundreds of people that thought, we're never going to get out, we might as well live here now. So, all I can say is, are you listening, Ukraine? We've all got problems. Yes, the M6 has been quite not literally hit for six

by being voted Britain's worst motorway for the second year in a row. As the bottom-ranked motorway, the M6 now faces a relegation play-off against the top-ranked A-road, the A303. A survey of 7,000 motorists slammed the 230 mile long multi-lane trunk road stunner, which stretches sinuously from the Midlands right up to the Scottish border, where it humbly gives up

its cherished motorway status and becomes the A74, but with an M in brackets just to show it hasn't forgotten who it really is. Right, so with the scores tantalisingly poised at 12.10 we have our final international round. Right, so with the scores tantalisingly poised at 12-10, we have our final international round. Tom, you are, and I say this without prejudice or judgement,

from Australia. How dare you? As our international guest, you're going to have to answer a question about the world. You will be randomly allocated one of the world's countries as we spin the world wheel. All 194 nations other than the United Kingdom

are on the world wheel. I'll just give it a spin. And it's landed on Australia. I've got a question on Australia. The universally accepted real national anthem of Australia is the 1980s rock hit You're the Voice by John Farnham. But can you tell me, in Australia at the moment, what is The Voice and whose voices are voicing vociferously about it?

The Voice is at the centre of this big campaign that we have. We're about a month away from having a big referendum in Australia to change our written constitution. And for British people, a written constitution is what you have when you're a real country. We don't just kind of vibe it like an annoying waiter in a restaurant. Basically, it's a proposed change to the constitution to insert a First Nations voice to Parliament,

that is, an advisory body inserted into the constitution chosen by First Nations people to give advice to Parliament and the government on laws that affect Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, and it's up to Australians to vote either yes or no, or as we say in traditional Australian, yeah or nah. That's what's coming up. And what are the arguments that

the yes or no campaigns have been putting forward? Well, look, it's complicated. If you vote no, you're not necessarily a racist, but people will expect you to have prepared a five to seven minute PowerPoint presentation explaining why that's not the case. It can be a little bit tricky. It'd be fair to say a lot of people in the no campaign have been extremely racism adjacent. We've had two

conservative former prime ministers who are fighting the no campaign case say that colonisation of Australia was actually the best thing that could have possibly happened to Aboriginal people. And for more comments like that, make sure you tune in to the new Australian TV show, People Who Haven't Been Colonised Say The Darnedest Things. Mainly they've been trying to argue that we don't need something like The Voice anymore

because Australia isn't racist anymore, that we've sorted that out. This week, we had a conservative Aboriginal senator who's a leading figure in the No campaign argue that colonisation no longer impacts First Nations people anymore. Today, it's all been sorted. Another No figure, Gary John, suggested that

intermarrying between Indigenous and non-Indigenous people was proof that reconciliation between the races had been achieved. Because as we all know, people who are married to each other never fight or have any issues getting along. The truth, of course, is that Australia is extremely good at racism. If there was a Racism Olympics, we wouldn't go, there'd be foreigners. Right, that brings the end.

So the final scores are 14 to Tom and Mark, 12 to Lucy and Anushka. Thank you for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Lucy Porter, Tom Ballard, Anushka Aslana and Mark Steele. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Mike Shepard, Cody Darla, and Christina Riggs. The producer was Sam Holmes, and it was a

BBC Studios production for Radio 4.