Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 16th February

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the news. Providing all the answers are Zoe Lyons, Andrew Maxwell, Rachel Parris, and Danny Finkelstein.In this week of Lent and Love Andy and the panel address Labour's difficult relationship with itself, Trump's flirtations with Putin, and giving up on the idea of home ownership.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Cody Dahler, Ben Clover, and Jade GebbieProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. After an official assessment of this week's news, the human race has been relegated. We have sadly just dropped out of the top 1, thousand cleverest species on Earth. Therefore, I, Andy Zaltzman, a known human, am being assisted as host of this week's news quiz by

a dolphin. Okay, right, you give us bipeds a piece of your mind. Oh, jeez, that is harsh. Alright, no, I understand you are worried about the price of fish. No, it's a great sport, you just don't understand it.

Anything else? Family show, Dolph. Right. We need to get this thing started. Can you just please say welcome to the news quiz? Hello, I'm Andy Zoltan. Later on, we will have the latest on the rumours that in an effort to become title challengers again, Manchester United have put in a £180 million bid for Taylor Swift.

We'll be testing whether our panellists can echolocate a small fish 200 metres... Have you written my script as well? Apology accepted. Our teams this week, in tribute to where A, the economy, and B, our politics are going, are Team Recession against Team Regression. On Team Recession, we have Rachel Parris, and from The Times, Daniel Finkelstein. And on Team Regression, we have Andrew Maxwell and Zoe Lyons. And our first question to Rachel and Daniel, who said bye to whom before this month's Rochdale by-election?

That was Keir Starmer saying goodbye to his candidate in Rochdale. They were basically having a competition to see which conspiracy theorist would succeed Cyril Smith and ended up deciding it wasn't the Labour one. The best bit of it, in my view, were the excuses that they used about how determined they were to get rid of him. I have received quite a lot of anti-Semitic correspondence over time, but this week, more than you would expect.

So one of the things that's ironic is the more anti-Semitism there is, the more insults you get about it. I used to get really cross, and I would reply with all sorts of denials of it, and now I just reply, thank you for being in touch to warn me about the Jews. I'll certainly keep an eye out for them. They sound terrible. But my favourite thing was I got sent this thing which was a web of Jewish influence in Britain

with all the different organisations, and I noticed that at the centre of it was my dentist's wife. Some of those conspiracy theories are pretty eccentric. Does that make you wonder about what's going on in your mouth? Yeah, so, Azar Ali was the candidate. Footage emerged of him sharing conspiracy theories about the October terrorist attacks in Israel. It's not much to ask for potential MPs not to fall for conspiracy theories.

No, I mean, that's sort of basic, isn't it? You wouldn't want your foreign minister saying, well, my job is now an awful lot easier, of course, because the world is flat. You'd be like... It's the people of Rochdale that I feel sorry for because their selection of candidates now is like the worst game of marry, shag, avoid.

It's just... Ali's still on the ballot paper isn't he because he's still there galloway and some bloke who was sexting a 17 year old girl before he was stepped down as an mp and you just think it's the people of rochdale i feel very very sorry for yeah no matter who gets in they still have to live there so ali said you know spouted this terrible conspiracy theory but to be fair then starmer with cat-like reflexes responded depending on what kind of cats you know if you know quite ponderous cautious cats who move slowly and are very keen for you to know that their father was a tool maker then he had a cat-like response about three days

later. Do you think it would be easier now if we just put Keir Starmer on the lazy Susan? Because U-turns take up so much energy, we could just spin him around in the direction we wanted. Zoe, to be fair, to Starmer, he said the phrase decisive action seven

or eight times when he talked about how he'd behaved with this so i think it's like wishing it if you say it enough times it will become true does he click his heels as he's doing it yeah oh i mean in terms of where labour are now andrew what do you how do you think they're uh how many years have we all wasted our lives having to think about the internal politics of the two major parties of this country. Years we've wasted on these people. Correct, two points. I don't know if you're asking your own question,

but, you know, it's got to work the system. I think it's very difficult to choose candidates, basically. I've been involved in lots of these, and I remember in the SDP we had a candidate who was missing his front tooth, and he had it in his top pocket, and he put it in only for press conferences. Did your dentist's wife have anything?

This is my theory about anti-Semitism. I think the vast majority of British people have never met any Jewish people. It might seem really weird for a comedian because obviously our life is a weird mixture of Judeo-Christian fun. That's what comedy is. Is that what you've got on your Tinder profile? You better believe it. It's a burning bush as it happens.

But it's also the world of conspiracy. Is this the other Labour candidate, a sad step back? Or is it this one? It's the Rochdale one, who claimed that Israel let it happen. Because that's the big schism in conspiracy theorists. There's make it happen conspiracy theorists and let it happen. Which category does the Queen slept with David Attenborough fall into? Is it make it happen or let it happen? Because I think she made it happen. I didn't see that episode of Blue Planet. It was very blue.

I bet it was. My son knows that conspiracy theories really wind me up. So one day he came to me with this article. There's a website for flat earthers, like the Flat Earther Society of America. And its sort of mission statement on the website was, the world is indeed flat. Every day, millions of people realise

that they've been lied to from all around the globe. Let's have another question now. Now, I only want wrong answers for this one because the correct answer is so numbingly depressing. Over the last few months in the UK, there has been a huge rise in what? There's been a huge rise in bread. Bread.

Is the answer good vibes? Is it morale? General contentment? Unfortunately, the correct answer is anti-Semitic abuse, which is at its worst for 40 years. Keir Starmer has claimed that he's changed Labour as regards its anti-Semitism problems. Can we put them charitable? Do you think he has, generally, Daniel?

I do. But it's quite a depressing thing that he had to do that. You know, when I was at school, it never occurred to me that we'd ever end in a situation where someone could claim I've managed to make the Labour Party less anti-Semitic. But I think any fair-minded view would be that he definitely has done that. It's just, obviously, you can tell from this week, there's still a problem. Yes, Labour, once again this week, is showing that whilst it may have a clear edge over the Conservatives, it is still struggling with its fierce ongoing rivalry with

its toughest, most stubborn enemy itself. Don't if you want for whatever reason the full list of candidates they are available from the bbc website just go to bbc.co.uk slash withering echo of a democratic dream and either read the list or just make up a better one in your head to make yourself feel better about the state of our politics uh labour withdrew its support for its candidate after a wave of criticism for not withdrawing its support for its candidate. This after it didn't withdraw its support for its candidate despite footage emerging of its candidate claiming that Israel deliberately allowed the Hamas terrorist atrocities

to happen last October. Amidst further allegations of vacillation and indecision, Keir Starmer insisted that he was decisive. And to be fair to the Labour leader, he did decisively back Azar Ali and then equally decisively withdraw that backing. Double decisive? He's doubled down on it. Another problem regarding the state of our politics,

Tobias Elwood's house was euphemistically attended by pro-Palestine protesters this week, after which he said that we are losing the art of what? Naked mime. Who sits down and go, you know what we need to do to free Palestine? We ought to go and get Tobias Elwood's children on side. So let's go and demonstrate outside their bedroom, because that will really help the cause. I don't know who thinks that way. You know, the thing is, when you're Irish as well, having lived through the troubles,

it's just the only people that can solve it are Israelis and Palestinians. As a child, listening to outsiders beak on about Northern Ireland, knowing that it would make no odds whatsoever. Peace is a process. It can take generations. It can take hundreds of years

it involves an enormous amount of goodwill and a huge amount of patience and let me tell you we're almost there in Northern Ireland because at the last national census in Northern Ireland it's no longer majority Protestant it's not majority Catholic either

is it the Jews? no the theories are right it's no It's not majority Catholic either. Is it the Jews? No, no. I believe it. It's everywhere. The theories are right. It's now the majority is neither's. That's what they put on the census. Instead of Protestant or Catholic, they put neither.

And the first time I heard that, I was like, oh my God, this is genuine progress here. These are people that are no longer willing to fall into these two silos of one flag against the other in a three, four hundred years of internecine ethno-religious hatred that seems to go on and on. But, you know, I know Northern Ireland really well, and it could be the most liberal, nice, arty audience. You could go on stage in North County Down and go, I can see you're not Protestants, you're not Catholics, you're all neithers now. At least half of that audience will be seething with rage,

under their breath going, it's pronounced neither. Tobias Elwood wasn't even at home, was he? Was he in his other home? It's just so difficult to know which one to protest outside, isn't it? What he said was that we are losing the art of how to disagree. Would you agree with that? Absolute rubbish! But the demonstrators went by 8.30,

which sounds like that's the sort of protest I like, in bed by nine. That was the first thing I thought. They left by 8.30 and went, oh, that is a good demonstration. What makes me very upset about all this, anti-Semitism aside, is this has made me agree with a Conservative, because I do agree with him.

I know what he means about, with everything that's going on with Israel and Palestine. And I get what he's saying, is that it's almost impossible to talk about, because the minute you come down going, well, that's absolutely horrific and appalling, people go, oh, well, I suppose you love this side of it then. I suppose you're on their side.

It's like, no, I think all of it is horrific and appalling and I don't know how to fix it, so I don't know what I, as a literal comedian, can add to this. So, unfortunately, I hate to say I agree with Tobias Alwood, but probably only on that one thing. So are you claiming, Rachel, that the human brain is capable of holding two slightly conflicting thoughts at the same time? That is radical.

That is what I and my friend Elwood are saying. The House of Conservative MP Tobias Elwood was, to put it extremely euphemistically, attended by pro-Palestine protesters. The protesters were from the Palestine Solidarity Movement. Now, many, many people have solidarity with Palestine and its people, if not its leadership. They said it was legitimate for the group

to stage an emergency demonstration. Again, no quibble so far. Events in Gaza are at a terrible moment. There's increasing criticism of Netanyahu and his actions, his brutality and his strategy from around the world, including many long-standing allies of Israel. So they held that protest outside his house and

shared his address online. You ruined it! At the end of our first round, the scores are four to Zoe and Andrew and three to Rachel and Daniel. Let's move on now to lighten the mood a bit with love.

It was Valentine's Day this week. Did any of you celebrate it? Who says romance is dead? Come on. You can get it over the counter now.

Come on. You've given it a go, haven't you? Have you given it a go, Andy? No, I haven't, actually, no. I have. Really? What, Gaviscon? Yeah. Oh.

I find cricket stats are all me and Mrs. Holtzman ever need. Oh, yeah. Right. Of course, it was a big clash this week. Wednesday saw both Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent so-called, of course, because it's the day that Jesus smoked his last filterless woodbine before popping off into the wilderness to chill for 40 and 40.

And, of course, there's great history in this country. Queen Victoria, mentioned earlier on, and Prince Albert famously got together when he organised a Valentine's Day 21 canon salute to her in Morse code, spelling out the poem, Hey, Vic, you've set my heart a-buzzing, please don't be put off just because I'm your first cousin. So we'll allow our teams to choose love or Lent this week. It's got to be love, hasn't it?

Well, go love. Going love? OK, well, this is the simmering despot boiler romance between Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. The greatest love story ever told. It's enthralled the watching world for almost a decade now. Chris Christie, a former Republican presidential candidate, said that Donald Trump this week showed his what for Putin. Oh, no.

There's an image I can't get out of my head. Putin's gone and broke Trump's heart. Yes. He's actually said that he prefers Joe Biden because Joe's more predictable and stable. But that's nonsense. When it comes down to it, every Russian dictator loves a bad boy.

He's only saying that to get Trump going, you know? Trump came out and said that he would support Putin if he bombed any or attacked any NATO countries that didn't pay their bills when it came to NATO. It's an incredible country, America,

isn't it? You know what I mean? They elect a president, but they can only choose between the two oldest, weirdest bastards in the world. Like, nobody else? Just any? Come on!

I think Putin respects Biden, because he can only remember Stalin, whereas Biden can remember the Tsars. I mean, it's quite a weird thing for, you know, an American former president and potential future president to encourage the Russian leader to attack yeah yeah and everyone was really shocked like the chief of NATO was really shocked world leaders were really shocked everyone was really shocked and you can see why because to think that

a man like Trump known for his tact and his love of foreigners and his compassion towards those in need and his altruism and his measured rhetoric for him to say something like that it naturally that is shocking but it's really dangerous because nato only works on a belief system doesn't it like people have to really believe that if you attack this country the other country will attack so by trump undermining that is such a dangerous thing you really have to all hold together to make the world believe that. It's a bit like me doing the count to three with my toddler. Like, if I get to three, that's a disaster.

It's really crucial that I don't get to three. It's crucial that he believes that when I get to three, the world's nuclear armament will descend on him in full force. And similarly, it's really important that Putin believes that he can get put on the naughty step. I remember going to a NATO, on a visit to NATO, and the man spoke very good English, but all the way through, instead of talking about the nuclear umbrella,

he kept calling it a nuclear elbow. He just got the word wrong. And I realised when Trump spoke, now we finally have the nuclear elbow. Trump could be in prison, couldn't he, by the time... I mean, he's got criminal trials coming up this week. I think he's only got criminal trials on days ending in Y at the moment. Oh, OK, fine.

They probably will still vote for him if he's in prison. I get the feeling he will. The longer his sentences are, the more votes he's going to get. If that does happen, Dan, with your knowledge of how machinations of politics works, is it more likely that they would set up an Oval Office in a jail or that they would turn the Oval Office into a prison cell with a special bucket in the corner?

I don't think the White House has a constitutional location to be fine with that. And I think he could be in jail. I don't think there's any constitutional reason why he couldn't be in jail. So it is quite extraordinary, yeah. Yes, it's well known that we live in merely one of the thousands, millions even, of parallel universes out there. But I'm pretty sure we are stuck in the only universe

in which a former and potential future president of the USA has been actively encouraging America's biggest enemy to attack NATO members if they haven't paid their subs on time. And news just reaching us that Trump has just, in addition to his other charges, he's been charged with bringing disrepute into disrepute. If he doesn't get elected, he could always become MP for Rochdale. I don't think he'd even be the worst candidate on that list in Rochdale. I don't think he'd even be the worst candidate

on that list in Rochdale. I feel like he would get on with George Galloway. He would definitely. Daniel and Rachel, do you want Lent or Love? I'm happy to go with Love. Okay, right. On Valentine's Day this week, who helps the

nation give up takeaways for Lent? There, you you got both. Is it takeaway delivery riders and drivers? Yes. I know, I was going to get two steak bakes from Greg's in South Oxy, and then I couldn't, so that ruined Valentine's Day. I've been wondering about this whole question. Where do you put a picket line in a strike of takeaway drivers?

Do they bring the ticket line to your house? Maybe that's what they were doing with Tobias Elwood, actually, just bringing the picket line to him. They just bring the food cold to your front door and then they warm it on the brazier, but still won't let you have it. They're striking on it because of low pay, because the fees have gone down, apparently, for the deliveries.

You used to be able to make a decent amount of money and now you can't. And I think that's because everybody at some point will work for Deliveroo. I think there are so many Deliveroo food delivery drivers out there, there's actually nobody left to deliver to. It's a

dangerous job. I did see a little Deliveroo man knocked off his bike not so long ago and he was alright and his bike was a bit mangled. But my brain, just all it could imagine was a couple on a sofa just looking at a stationary blue dot on an iPad. Yes, workers from the takeaway apps, including Deliveroo, Just Eat and Uber Eats, downed their insulated carry boxes on Valentine's Day in a protest over pay, working conditions

and the fact that they get insufficient gratitude for their role in magicing dindins out of thin air at the press of a button. Moving on now, the score's tied at six points all. Let's have an economics question now. It was confirmed this week that the United Kingdom has entered

what? The Dark Ages. That may well be correct. Recession, but the thing that's been confusing me is always talk about technical recession, and I'd love to know what the difference is between a recession and a technical. Maybe you know, Andy. That's the sort of thing Andy does to me.

He turns around and goes, maybe you know. What is it? What is the difference? A technical recession is one that plays with a really high front elbow. It moves its feet decisively forward and back. Ronald Reagan did that to Jimmy Carter. He said that a recession is when your neighbour loses their job. A depression is when you lose your job.

And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his job. We're in a mild recession, aren't we, apparently? A mild recession. Which is not what we need. We need a proper recession. Right, OK. 80s recession. So we can? A mild recession. Which is not what we need. We need a proper recession. 80s recession. So we can get good music again. Right.

Well let's move on to a chirpier subject. Michael Gove. Oh God. According to Michael Gove, if young people in the UK cannot afford what, they may do what? If young people in the UK cannot afford what, they may do what? If young people in the UK can't afford me at my best, they may not have me at my worst.

He certainly thought that. I'm not sure he actually said that. Yeah, I think he did. If they can't afford a long-term five-year yield tracker mortgage, then they might start burning buildings out. Because that's what holds this country together. Property ownership. That's essentially correct, yes. No, no, no, no, no. I've never been right on a question before.

No, he said if they can't afford homes, they may abandon democracy. So you accidentally got that correct. I'm going to give you a bonus. So, I mean, politically, Daniel, with the election looming, housing seems to be becoming more and more of a... A bit of a problem for the Conservatives

is that they've missed basically all of their housing targets. So is this...? Actually, the big problem is they both want to assure the people who've got houses already they're not going to build a house near them, and they want to assure all the people who don't have houses they're going to build a house for them. Right. So, I the people who don't have houses they're going to build a house for them right so i mean and is it is it a strength for conservatives now or nothing's much of a strength i've got a genuine statistical question for you now strap in this

is a fact lee rowley has been housing minister for an epic three-month stint to go with his previous seven-week marathon as housing minister during the Trust's nano-era. But can any of you tell me how many different ministers have been in charge of the housing brief since the Conservatives came to power in 2010? I can tell you that.

It was 16 ministers, although only 15 people because he's done it twice. That isn't the correct answer. And there were nine under Labour in the previous 13 years. Yes. And there have been five in the last two years. OK, and for a bonus million points, can you name them all?

I can name the last five. Oh, that's pretty impressive. Go on, then. Come on, get us those points. Rachel McLean, Lucy Fraser, Lee Rowley, Marcus James, and also Lee Rowley. Yes, I'll give you a million points for that. And Gove has said that we can live in old shops now, right? Yes.

And I think that's very Michael Gove, and it doesn't sound like there's any downside to that at all. You know, setting up home in an old abandoned snappy snaps build your life in a former chippy start a family in a haunted Woolworths it's free pick and mix isn't it you know we never renovated and foam shrimps don't go off they go hard but they don't go off R Rishi Sunak said this. Let's go to Zoe and Andrew. We're going to introduce a new law to make it easier for what to be turned

into what? Water into wine. Is it brownfields? They're going to build on brownfields? Well, basically, yes. Come on. I don't like the term brownfields. It sounds like a really disappointing festival. We have a real problem in this country with housing.

A, there isn't enough of it, and B, the stuff that is being built is absolutely crap. The walls are so thin, you can hear what your neighbours are thinking. It's not good enough. And the things that we are building... I walked past some flats the other day, and it was like two- and three-bedroom lifestyle choice apartments.

You're like, what is that lifestyle what just having a home is now a lifestyle then they use the word luxury as well do you remember when that used to mean like a double-jointed sort of marble staircase and sort of swans walking around in sapphire necklaces and sort of you know ponds in the bottom of the garden now it just means if you're lucky your breakfast bar is big enough for you to fold a piece of toast in half and just about perch it on top. It's not good enough for people. You can have a wee and hoover your entire flat in most of the places that are being bought.

Move into Woolworths. I have a solution. Go on, then. There's a lot of old ladies out there. Are you pitching for your new dating show? There's a lot of old ladies who are living in houses. It's their house, that's fair enough. That's very liberal of you.

There's a lot of young families who are renting. So what we're going to do is develop an app where young families, young kids, can move in with old ladies. The old lady gets the joy of seeing young children again grow up, right? Because her daughter moved to Canada, right?

The young family with the young kids, they move into the house there, right? They have a financial arrangement where they pay off her bills and they not inherit, but they kind of buy it off over time. The old lady sees the joy of children and the young family get to live in this beautiful neighbourhood that has all the amenities involved. And it's going to be called tender.

The immediate flaw I see with it is that I think you're wildly overestimating the joy of living with a young child. One final question. Could any of you tell me, what is a blue hedge, and why has it become a problem? Blue hedge is the rural Conservative vote? It is.

In rural areas? Yes. There was an extraordinary article which included this term, and the headline of it is, why is rural England turning its back on the Tories, accompanied by a big picture of Jacob Rees-Mogg? You must read this article, because that's really quite a puzzle. He's apparently set up a blue hedge fund.

I think a blue hedge is what Tory ladies asked for when they got too old for a Brazilian. Get nesting birds in there as well. Not my great-rewards, they're not welcome in this country. Well, we are reaching the end of this week's Newsreels and the scores are now tied, which means we have a tie-breaker round. Andy, you say it's a tie, but you didn't give me a million points. Oh, no, you're quite right.

So it's 12 to Zoe and Andrew and a million and 12 to Daniel and Rachel. Congratulations. Just some breaking news reaching us. Liz Truss has just resigned from thinking she's still Prime Minister. Thank you for listening to the News Quiz. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Zoe Lyons, Andrew Maxwell, Rachel Parris and Daniel Finkelstein.

In the chair was Andy Zaltzman, and additional material was written by Cody Darla, Jade Gebbie and Ben Clover. The producer was Sam Holmes, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. On this cultural life from BBC Radio 4, leading artists and performers reveal their creative inspirations. I saw something that was so beyond what I was being taught at school.

Discuss their best-known work. I do get messages all the time saying this is our life. The Handmaid's Tale is already here. And reflect on their own cultural lives. Rock stars need to be simply drawn. They can't be too complex. Join me, John Wilson, and my guests including Nick Cave, Stephen Fry,

Margaret Atwood, Florence Pugh, Paul McCartney and Whoopi Goldberg. I always knew I was going to be a character actor. I never thought I was going to be a famous movie person. This Cultural Life. Listen on BBC Sounds. This is the first radio ad you can smell. BBC Sounds.