Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 16th September

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week’s news.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. All day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello and welcome to a special edition of the News Quiz at the end of a week of mourning, contemplation and tribute after the death of the Queen. As we record, we are still within the national period of mourning and the Queen is lying in state in Westminster Hall. So this will be a rather different show to regular news quizzes as we reflect on the last week and the last 70 years, as well as looking at some of the other news from the UK and the rest of the known universe. I'm Andy Zaltzman and I'm joined by Aisha Hazarika,

Zoe Lyons, Lucy Porter and Steve Punt. Now, whatever your views of the monarchy and its role in this nation's past, present and future, this has been an emotional and historic week as we come to terms in our many different ways with the death of the woman who's been the figurehead of this country for more than 70 years. So tell us your thoughts during this strange week.

Lucy, how's it been for you? Well, I've been moved because my mum she loved the Queen so much she was born just a few years after the Queen and uh I think she always felt like they'd been through life together and I think for a lot of people of that generation she had that sort of feeling like they'd lived their lives in parallel even though they were from very different worlds very much the way I feel about Kylie Minogue. Kylie probably doesn't know me, but I always respect her and take an interest in her work. So it's been a week,

because we have loads of royal memorabilia at home, because my mum, when she died, we got all the memorabilia. So we have got more tea towels with the royal family on, and I've got a plate with the Queen Mum, which I keep above the cocktail cabinet just because I think if I'm pouring a gin it's like she's saying go on a bit more a bit I've been watching the the sort of live feed of the queue and I think the queue has really been the thing that has touched a lot of people and that it is the most British tribute

because you know queuing is what we do it's what we want to show the world that has touched a lot of people in that it is the most British tribute. Because, you know, queuing is what we do, it's what we want to show the world. We've been doing it amazingly. I'm so proud. And we've organised the queue brilliantly. They've told us so much about how to queue and what's going on, but they didn't need to, did they?

Because even if they hadn't told us what the queue was, we'd have joined it anyway, wouldn't we? Steve, you, I believe, attended the Silver Jubilee celebrations back in 1977. Well, that wasn't to break confidence about your age. When you say attended, it wasn't really in an official capacity at that age. But, yeah, my father was in the civil service and he managed to wangle it so we could

watch the boat parade on the Thames and we watched it from the top of Millbank Tower and what it sort of taught me is the strange thing about royal events which I hadn't really realized till then so this is the first big royal event that I remember and it made me realize that it's not just that you sort of want to participate, but you can participate. And I started the week as a very cynical 13-year-old, and I was actually annoyed that the BBC had banned God Save the Queen by the Sex Pistols in order to keep it off number one. But then suddenly I saw on TV one of the early events, and decided I wanted to go I wanted to be part of it on Saturday I went and I stood in the mall and waved at the Queen or waved at the coach just

because I sort of felt I wanted to participate I guess that's one of the good things about waving at the Queen is she's one of the very few people who will always wave back Aisha you've been covering it up and down the country this week, travelling around with journalists from the global press pack. What's that been like to be part of? Well, I was really lucky to be sent up to Edinburgh to cover proceedings up there. And as a Scot, there was a real sense of pride about being up there

because, of course, the Queen absolutely loved Balmoral, she loved Scotland, and I think for many Scots it felt like it was a final act of love for her to pass away in Scotland because it meant that this first bit of history, all eyes were on Scotland, it was a chance for her to show the world why she loved Scotland so much and it was very special, people came from all over Scotland to be in Edinburgh and of course Edinburgh's this beautiful old magical ancient city and it was a really spine tingling to see it be part of modern history right now so it was a very very special time also I mean one of the most prolonged silences in Edinburgh since the first gig I ever did there. In 1997.

I mean, it's been an extraordinary moment. And again, I hate to say this, all the clichés are true, because it has been this first draft of modern history. She is this golden thread that's been woven into the fabric of our modern history, but also into our lives. And I think one of the reasons that I had a lot of admiration for the Queen was as somebody who is a keen observer of politics,

and I've worked in politics for a long time, she was such a public servant. And the fact that at the age of 21, when she knew that at some point she would come to be the Queen, she makes this vow that I will serve you, be my life, short or long vow that I will serve you, be my life, short or long, and she kept that promise. And I think that's one of the reasons why people feel so moved,

because particularly in this day and age of politics, nobody ever, ever keeps a promise. Zoe, am I right in thinking that you performed in front of the Queen? Absolutely not right, Andy. So can you tell us what you would have done if you had? I've never had the royal seal of approval. I don't know what I would have done in front of the Queen. I think I'd have probably branched out into my other skill set

and done a rendition of maybe a song from Oklahoma, because I was a big fan of musicals. She clearly had a very good sense of humour. She had a brilliant sense of comedic timing, as everybody knows from the skit with Paddington. It was beautifully done. I think every comic in the country watched it went, oh, well done.

That was bang on. Well done but I always assumed that at some point in my life I'd meet the queen I think everybody does I thought at some well I'll get a card at some point because so many people have met the queen that you know it's only a matter of time before I'm invited to some sort of like luncheon my mum was always obsessed with who'd met the queen because my mum would have loved to have met the Queen she never did I remember there was a woman at her church who shoplifted, who was done for shoplifting

and my mum was so horrified she went, oh she'd met the Queen and I was like, so would Robert McGarvey it doesn't mean anything I actually did meet the Queen she was very, very, very nice but I was incredibly nervous and they were very particular about the curtsy

and they were like, you have to do a very, very deep curtsy. And I was like, my God, how deep is this going to go? And then the guy said, but don't go too deep because we have had some people that curtsy so deep they then cannot get up again. Very good for your glutes, meeting the Queen. The Queen was not only this country's longest-serving monarch, but I think she was also this country's longest-serving anything ever.

In central to this nation's life, a figure of gold-plated, politically neutral constancy in a world of befuddling flux for almost the whole of our national memory span. Seven decades' worth of service and privilege, two things which go together surprisingly seldom. Most people manage a maximum of one in their lifetime. Tributes have been flowing in from all directions of many types and tones.

Question for our panellists. Mourners were asked this week by the Royal Parks not to leave what as tributes? It was Paddington Bears. Correct. And his marmalade sandwiches, yeah. Because Paddington is not combustible. Have I said that right? Compostable. No, not combustible.

It's very much to Paddington's alarm he is combustible. He's just not compostable. I think Paddington would give you a hard stare. People are leaving marmalade sandwiches in Green Park as a sign of respect to her, which, you know, the squirrels are having a wave all the time. I love to think of the squirrels having high tea up in a tree. That's correct.

The Royal Parks asked people to refrain from leaving soft toys and marmalade sandwiches in an effort to ensure only organic, combustible material was left because there were concerns that Paddington toys could be stolen by rogue Wombles and forced to fight each other... LAUGHTER ..forced to fight each other for sport on Wimbledon Common, whilst a properly made British marmalade sandwich

has a radioactive half-life of 1,200 years. Were there any other tributes that stood out for you this week? There have been some moving ones and some odd ones, haven't there? It's weird things. My mate told me she saw outside of a supermarket one of those kids' rides. I think it's an elephant thing. You put your pound in and it sort of jolts a child around

for a minute or so. I had a poster on it saying, out of respect to the passing of the queen that's right we'll be taken out of action on monday you think yes that's what she would have wanted there were numerous other tributes morrison's the supermarket turned down the volume of beeps at its checkouts. Perhaps out of concern that someone might scan their shopping in such a way that accidentally beeped

Viva La Republica in Morse code, as well as buying a family pack of Battenbergs and a bottle of Dubonnet. Sport paid tribute to the Queen in different ways. Cricket, for example, continued with the oval test to pay tribute to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, whilst the Premier League postponed its fixtures as a mark of respect for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,

which I guess goes to show the impact the Queen had on our national life, that doing or not doing almost anything can be claimed to be paying tribute, as I found with my kids this week. Are you going to eat your broccoli? No, Dad. It's a tribute to the Queen. I'm with my kids this week. Are you going to eat your broccoli? No, Dad. As a tribute to the... LAUGHTER

Amidst the many genuine and touching personal and institutional tributes, there were some that felt, well, a bit odd. British Cycling were criticised for, quotes, strongly recommending that people do not ride their bicycles during the Queen's funeral as a mark of respect. It was not entirely clear how riding a bicycle would or even could be disrespectful. Unicycle, maybe.

Unicycle in a clown outfit, almost certainly. Unicycle in a clown outfit up and down the island Westminster Abbey, definitely. Time and a place for lightening the mood, and, well, that's not it. To be fair to British Cycling, they did do a U-turn. There hasn't been universal approval, however. According to the writer Brendan O'Neill, we saw this week an almost medieval act of what? Well, he'll be angry about something then.

Well, he was angry about other people being angry in a way. The answer is censorship. He said a medieval act of censorship. This is after a protester in Edinburgh was arrested for holding up a fruitily worded sign calling for the abolition of the monarchy. I'm really sorry about that. It was just like...

There was one guy who was holding a blank piece of paper and the police moved him on, which sounds draconian and I'm opposed to all forms of censorship, but the guy with the piece of paper actually was sort of leaking state secrets because on that paper was the government's plan to solve the cost of living. leaking state secrets, because on that paper was the government's plan to solve the cost of living. It's that kind of weird thing, wasn't it, that he was basically dealt with by the police

because he might possibly be about to write something. I mean, it is kind of weird. Yeah, they said if you could write on that, this is not my king. Yes. Or... Or eggs, tomatoes, lettuce, semi-skinned. Or possibly he'd already written on it in lemon juice. And he might have held it over a flame and a seditious message magically appeared.

Someone also had some eggs, didn't they? Yes. Allegedly holding eggs. That was what I read. With egging a forethought. Someone else was arrested and then de-arrested for asking a quiz question at a proclamation ceremony in Oxford on Sunday,

at which Bookie's favourite, Charles, was confirmed as the new king. Simon Hill asked, who elected him and was arrested before we'd even got to the multiple-choice part of the question? Was it A, fate, B, chance, C, God, D, history, or E, all of the above? People from across the political spectrum wrote that the arrest and detention of protesters were outrageous and an assault on freedom of speech. Others, by contrast, said that these were not the moments and places to protest about the monarchy.

And they were both absolutely correct. The monarchy occupies a very strange place in our national political life. It is patently and unarguably undemocratic. But if we had a vote on whether or not to keep it, polls suggest that people would vote overwhelmingly in favour of it. So I don't know where that leaves it in terms of our nation's political life. There will be time in future weeks to consider the monarchy's role, purpose and function in the nation we are today, but the Queen had approval ratings that elected politicians could barely even dream of. And in a nation where we have a Prime Minister voted in by one-eighth of one percent of the people,

plus a slight problem with misleading buses, I don't think... I don't think getting rid of one of the only things that has actually been working well in our public life should be too high up our democracy-fixing to-do list. Right, I think it might be time to move on to the rest of the news. Well, it's been, I think it's fair to say, an unusual first week as Prime Minister for Liz Truss.

The overflowing intray she inherited from the aching void of nothingness that was the interim between Boris Johnson and her over the two weeks in which she clocked off. That remains. And it leads me to our first question. What do a delicious salmon mornay and a 14 year food inflation high of 13.1 percent have in common

salmon mornay right you lost me completely in the question is it something to do with gas it's not to do with gas no no no it's food inflation Everything's gone up. Well, sort of that. The answer is milk and cheese are key ingredients. Because you need milk and cheese for a Mornay sauce, and milk and cheese have helped push food inflation to 13.1% in the 12 months to August. What else is in a Mornay? Is it spinach? No, I don't think so.

Is it just milk and cheese? It's like bechamel with cheese, isn't it? Can anyone confirm that in the audience? Sorry? Butter. Flour, butter, milk and cheese. Oh, yeah. You could use that to re-grout your shed. Take that, French cookery.

You can... It's been slightly on the back burner this week, but these things are going to come back into prominence soon. How do you think the government's going to deal with this? Well, it's really interesting because we've seen this week inflation's come down a bit, but as you say, milk, cheese and eggs have soared in price, which is really annoying because that's just another reason

where vegans are going to be very, very smug. But it is interesting because we've got this sort of... Liz Truss has come in with this huge problem with the economy. We've got the worst inflation crisis in a generation. Things are so bad that DFS sofas have just cancelled their sale. Am I the only grown adult that doesn't really understand inflation? Honestly, when it comes on the news, my brain goes... Don't worry, I knew Prime Minister does that as well.

I really struggle with it, I do. I mean, I'm 50 years old. I've still got a piggy bank and I utilise it. Welcome to Moneybox Live. When Liz Truss was on the Hustings Trail, I thought she reminded me of me in the worst possible way. And someone did say to me the other day, I had some highlights done,

they went, well, you look a bit like Liz Truss. And I was like, no, I do not. She's much older than me. And then, of course, I went to Wikipedia. She's four years younger than me, guys. Same thing, when I Googled her, I went, you are joking. Really? Liz Truss looks like she failed an audition

to be a background artist in the latest series of Handmaid's Tale. I know this is a depictation of dystopia, Liz, but too much. Because I thought when she was doing a bit to the Tory party, I was like, she's just, she's a people pleaser. And that's what I mean about, because I am a people people pleaser I've learned to accept that about myself I'm a people pleaser and if you don't like that I can change I'll try so I thought she's saying all this stuff but then actually when she's prime minister she won't but she's like no she's she's sticking to all of the you know taking the cap off the bankers bonuses because apparently if bankers get money then that boosts growth and spending but

if posties get it or people who work for the nhs that's inflation that's that's how it works so very simple very simple that's all you need to know but and she's sort of doing all this stuff and really tough and she said oh she's not going to institute a windfall tax because you know she doesn't want to bow to the opposition which is is like, you go, well, the opposition is going to be 60 million bloody people soon, Liz, I'm afraid. It's so... I almost admire how unpopular she's prepared to be. It's like she's won her prime ministership in a raffle,

and then... LAUGHTER And then what she seems to do is she sort of gives departments to the people who sort of least seem to have any interest in them. So, like, Therese Coffey loves a drink. She can be health. It's like the Minister for Fisheries is going to be a vegan who's allergic to water.

She has got that sort of vibe of a really enthusiastic, precautious child that wants to show off. I've done quite a lot of media things. I recently did a Question Time with her and we were quite combative during the Question Time thing and then you have this dinner after Question Time and she came over to me, plonked a bottle of wine down and she's like,

do you want to see my selfies of me and Taylor Swift? And I went, yeah! I'm sure Harold Macmillan was very similar. Here's me with the Beverley sisters. Steve, what have you made of the initial movements of the Trust government? Well, you know, you have to hope they've got something up their sleeve, don't you?

I mean, it may be, given what's happened to the price of eggs and milk and cheese, that the reason they've lifted the cap on bankers' bonuses is that somebody can still afford quiche. Because otherwise a lot of jobs are going to be lost in the quiche industry and, you know, they're thinking ahead there. You know, they're... No, they're not, are they are they they're not it's interesting the windfall tax issue was one of the trust's first acts as prime ministers to announce that typical

household energy bills are going to be capped at two and a half thousand pounds but the issue was who's going to pay for it and i guess the options were energy companies with billions in in profits and trillions in reserves uh nurses because they work very hard so they're not often at home so they don't really need to pay for energy at home, or our grandchildren. And they've gone with our grandchildren because this is going to be funded by increased government borrowing. And, I mean, don't you find it's amazing how generous the unborn are?

LAUGHTER They will pay for it, Just whack it on their tab. They're also still paying for Covid and they're still paying for the bailouts in 2008 as well. I mean the windfall tax is one of those things as well. People say all politicians are the same but

there are political choices and the extraordinary thing is the boss of BP has even said that a windfall tax would not stop them investing in renewables. And it is just incredible. But then I sort of think, why is she so reluctant to do this? I mean, she's a former employee of Shell, the biggest sole contributor to her leadership fund, apart from Claire's accessories, was the wife of a former BP executive. I mean, I can't think why she doesn't want to impose a windfall tax. The EU's taking a different tack.

The European Commission apparently wants oil and gas companies to pay a 33% solidarity contribution on their profits. Now, is this the key? It's all about branding. If you call it a solidarity contribution instead of a windfall tax, you know, it feels like a more positive thing, isn't it? Maybe we should be going to our energy company saying, would you like to make a hungry children having lunch contribution? Pay the really nice guy levy. Maybe is this all we need? Just we're having a whip round. Yes, the European Union is reportedly

set to raise 140 billion euros from a windfall tax on energy companies' abnormally high profits, even though this may mean that some energy bosses will have to use a slightly cheaper brand of yacht wax. The whole business reeks of communism, and I'm glad

we're out of it. Prime Minister Liz Truss has ruled out such a move here because a windfall tax quotes would undermine the national interest by discouraging the very investment we need to secure homegrown energy supplies. Would it really discourage that? I for one find it disappointing that these energy companies are so easily discouraged. Come on Shell, BP, the rest of you, don't just give up at the first sign of adversity. And by adversity, I mean a few barely discernible billions scraped off the top of your multi-billion pound cake. Let's have some of that famous British stiff up a lip. You can do it. Dig in. Don't, don't dig in. Treasury estimates suggest that UK gas producing electricity generators could make

excess profits totaling as much as £170 billion over the next two years. That's excess profits on top of the already megalithic profits. That is enough to pay for a virtual reality headset for every person under the age of 25 in this country to live out the alternative future of their choosing that has been stripped away from them. It's enough to pay for a freshly minted waxwork of every person in the UK to be installed in Madame Tussauds,

or to build an exact replica of the United Kingdom and float it just off the coast of Dubai. So that we can all move there and never worry about our heating bills again and have a vague chance of being awarded the World Cup. Moving on to our science round now. Scientists claim to have discovered the best way to stop what? I think scientists have discovered the best way to stop babies crying.

Correct. Which I read with great excitement, even though my children are past that stage now, because I thought it would be great to have some scientific knowledge of this. And what it turns out you have to do is walk them about a bit and then sit down i mean it's not the i thought it was going to be like a laser my first little taser

and even then so they said oh yeah it walk them around for a bit and then sit down and don't change direction, which is like, well, how big's your flat got to be? Then they said at the end of the report, they said, but actually, I mean, this is still early days and it doesn't work for all babies, so anyway, yeah, just forget we said anything. I found a fail-safe way of not having to suffer the cries

of a young baby by just not having baby. I think there's a follow-up to that as well. The best way to soothe a baby is to give it some sugar and then give it back to its parents. It's all inconsistent, that's the trouble. I mean, my daughter, you could get her to sleep by putting her in the car and then taking the handbrake off and letting it go. But my son, that would do nothing for him at all.

If you drove him around in the car, it would just wake him up. Yes, scientists claim the optimal technique for baby soothment is five minutes walking around, five to eight minutes sitting down, and then lie them down again, a process model on Boris Johnson's typical working day as Prime Minister. Other ways to soothe a crying baby include calmly and rationally explaining why its tears are futile. And telling it that it needs to see its current rather self-centred

and woke troubles in the broader context of the world as a whole. If that fails, try watching old Pathé newsreel footage of 1930s sport or simply wait 40 to 45 years until they're too numb to the ills of the world to shed a single tear. Before we go, we'll have a few quick-fire questions. There's a bit of a catch-up on some of the other news. Scientists attempting to train robots to do what at the right time? Oh, it's laughing.

Correct. It is laughing. Yeah. Are you concerned about the prospect of laughing robots? Yes. And what's the point of it? I mean, I suppose Siri or Alexa could use it to be sarcastic. Siri, play Beethoven's Third Symphony. Ha, ha, ha. That would be good.

Another question. Health Secretary Therese Coffey has begun her efforts to deal with various NHS crises, including waiting lists, staffing issues, industrial unrest and funding shortfalls, by telling staff to stop using what wrongly? Oh, is this an Oxford comma? Correct, yes. Commas.

Not defibrillators, isn't it? Which have increasingly been used as a quick way of making cheese toasties by under-pressure staff. As if they can afford the cheese, Andy. Yeah, I mean, it's extraordinary. Coffey asked staff not to use the so-called Oxford comma, the controversial punctuation mark

often used after the penultimate entry in a list, which can cause confusion and is much disliked by the world's most annoying people, Therese Coffey and Jacob Rees-Mogg. Point proved. I'm sure that'll be very soothing to the people who are currently on an NHS waiting list

because of a problem with their colon. LAUGHTER currently on an NHS waiting list because of a problem with their colon. Right, well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz. We do hope you've enjoyed listening. It's been a unique, difficult, historic week, and we will be back next week as news fully re-emerges to be properly quizzed once more. Thank you very much for listening. Taking part in the News Quiz were Aisha Hazarika, Lucy Porter, quizzed once more. Thank you very much for listening.