Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 17th February

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

Andy Zaltzman is joined by Zoe Lyons, Angela Barnes, Hugo Rifkind and Nish Kumar. On the agenda this week is Nicola Sturgeon's surprise resignation, Jeremy Corbyn being barred as a Labour candidate and the case of 200,000 stolen Cadbury Creme Eggs.Hosted and written by Andy Zaltzman with additional material from Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Eleanor Morton, Peter Tellouche and Cameron Loxdale.Producer: Georgia Keating Executive Producer: Pete Strauss Production Co-ordinator: Becky Carewe-Jeffries Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. To celebrate the twin landmarks of it being 239 years and 5 months since the first ever hot air balloon flight and 415 years and 3 months since the launch of Jamestown, the first British colony in America,

I'm hosting this special anniversary news quiz from a hot air balloon floating serenely above the USA. Oops, that was asking for trouble. Luckily, I have an emergency parachute that is shaped like a UFO. Oops, again, we'd better start the show. I'll find my way back during the theme tune. Welcome to the News Quiz! I think it was Sandy Toksvig who insisted on the paddling pool and we've never got rid of it.

I am Andy Zaltzman. Our teams this week, we have Team Sturgeon against Team Sturgeoff. On Team Sturgeon, we have Angela Barnes and Hugo Rifkind. And on Team Sturgeoff, it's Zoe Lyons and Nish Kumar. And on Team Sturgeon, it's Zoe Lyons and Nish Kumar. Our first question can go to Team Sturgeon, Angela and Hugo. Which head has headed off while she's still ahead? So this would be Nicola Sturgeon. Correct.

Yes, I can see why you've come to me with this, because as my impenetrable accent will show, well done for people who are following what I'm saying. I know it's like listening to Hamish Macbeth or something. No, look, I've enjoyed this. It's always fun when Westminster sort of periodically turns its eye to Scotland and notices something's happening there.

It's like people in King's Landing going, something's happening beyond the wall. Mance Rayder is struggling to control the wildings and he's losing support of the bald guys who eat people and the giants. And what does this mean for Rishi Sunak? But it's a big story. She's been there for eight years, I think,

and it's a difficult gig because if you're a prime minister down here, you can have 40% support and that's really good, whereas if she's got less than 50% support, she looks like she's kind of failing, because independence is the big holy mission. But a lot of people are going, well, she's leaving because she's failing, but then all her opponents are saying it's great that she's leaving,

and both of those things can't be true. But the question now turns to who's going to take over, and I reckon it's going to be that big guy made of ice with the blue eyes. It was quite rare, wasn't it? It was a genuine surprise. Yeah, it was a genuine surprise. And it's sort of tricky as an English person talking about this, really, because it's sort of a bit like, to us, I suppose, the First Minister of Scotland's a bit like a John Cleese wife.

You're just waiting for the next one to come along and hate you. Someone's just lost the part on the new Fawlty Towers. I totally get it, though. I know it came out of the blue, but we're roughly the same age, Nicola and myself, and I get that you woke up on a Wednesday and just thought, oh, sod it.

Can he be bothered? I mean, I get it. You know, your motivation goes, your mojo goes. I mean, I barely made it here, Andy, to be honest with you. Two hours ago, I was in my favourite onesie at home and I thought, oh, God, do I have to go out? But I'd rather somebody like Nicola Sturgeon, who knows when to go.

Eight years, solid, good shift. It just... Liz trusts his 44 days. We're just 44 days too long, weren't we? I've crunched some numbers on this, and she took office on 20th November 2014, and she's still in power today, as we record, Thursday 16th February 2023. That means she's been in power for 3,011 days,

which means you could have fit Liz Truss's entire term as Prime Minister 61.55 times in that time. There's more numbers. Sturgeon has seen off three permanent Labour leaders and one acting leader. She's also seen off 75 different Conservative Prime Ministers. leader. She's also seen off 75 different Conservative Prime Ministers. And... She's also been in power for so long that when she took office, we still knew

who the Lib Dems were. She said in her resignation speech that being Scotland's First Minister is the very best job in the world. Is she right about that? I mean, if you're into being First Minister, is the very best job in the world. Is she right about that? I mean, if you're into being First Minister, then, like, Hawaii might be better. I suppose, compared to most political leaders,

it's a more secure... I mean, not the most secure job in the world. The most secure job in the world is a bus driver for Southern Rail. LAUGHTER She seems to be following a trend, though. for Southern Rail. She seems to be following a trend, though, doesn't she? Because, well, Jacinda Arnott's gone and Angela Merkel went. I have this nice idea that they're all somewhere together in a spa somewhere in the woods.

Just resigned world leaders, just reminiscing about nightmare days. That sounds like the next big hit in reality TV. Yeah. Turning the lights off as Liz Truss taps at the window. Yeah. Not you! Yeah, I think you've got it, Andy. Leader Island.

That's what it would be, yeah. She also said she thought there was now majority support for independence. Where do you think she's left the Scottish independence movement, Hugo? Well, I mean, there isn't. So that's a problem. You know, all the polls put it on about sort of 40%. So I think the next move for the Scottish independence movement might be learning to count better, which would be helpful.

I mean, it is genuinely confusing, because on the one hand, she has failed over eight years to bring about independence, which was the whole point to her, but on the other hand, everyone reckons it's going to be harder for the independence movement. Now she's gone, so the only way is down. Right. She said, hasn't she, that the next election

will be a de facto referendum on independence, whereas we know that it isn't, is it? I mean, you might as well say those little slots in Waitrose where you decide what charity to pick is the next de facto referendum on independence. It's really confusing, because, like, in London and in a lot of England, people regard Sturgeon as this sort of really moderate, safe, competent centrist.

And in Scotland, roughly half the people love her and everyone else wants to throw her down a well. And she's this really, really controversial figure. And it makes you think that maybe if she's looking to figure out what to do next, she could come down and be a politician down here. We say half the people hate her, but she's still got a better approval rating than Rishi Sunak. Yes.

Or so is Putin, to be fair. That's because it's only half. She got some criticism from her predecessor, Alex Salmond, who said that one of the things that she'd received recently, which is a gender self-ID bill for transgender people, had harmed the cause of independence. If there's one person who knows a thing or two about harming the cause of Scottish independence, it is absolutely Alex Salmond. I once interviewed

Alex Salmond. I phoned him up because I was writing an article about Braveheart. He'd just been on stage and made a joke about getting Mel Gibson's sword and using it to chop up Michael Gove, I think. And so I phoned him up to say, I'm writing this article about Braveheart, could we have a chat? And he spoke to me on the phone about Braveheart for, I would say, around an hour. And I kind of thought, on the one hand, I'm really grateful, but on the other hand, I feel like I think a lot less of you now.

I hope that's how she goes on the last day as well. With a sword? Yeah, just smizzed the blue make-up across the desk. One leg up on the table like that, FREEDOM! And about the timing of it, it seemed to catch everyone by surprise. It does now look almost as if she was waiting for confirmation that S Club 7 were reforming before she resigned.

Because there ain't no party like a Scottish National Party. We'll do a missing words round now. Sturgeon made a very impassioned speech as she announced her resignation. We've taken out some of the key words. Can our panellists tell us what those words are? Here's our first clip. I'm not expecting...

..here, but I am a... ..as well as a ****. So what were the three words missing there? Oh, they were missing words! Was it, I'm not expecting anyone to find this controversial, but I am a nationalist as well as a socialist?

Was it, I'm not expecting gold statues, but I am a fan of gold statues as well as statues that are gold. No, a bit closer. Any other suggestions? I'm not expecting the Spanish Inquisition. But I am a woman and a person who's suspiciously good at floating. I'm not expecting a free bar at my leaving do

but I am a fan of Jager bombs and flaming Lamborghinis Flaming Lamborghinis? I know, I know They were an absolute health and safety nightmare and the flaming Lamborghini I think was made out of orange juice, toilet duck and vodka Let's find out what she did actually say I think it was made out of orange juice, toilet duck and vodka. Let's find out what she did actually say.

I'm not expecting violins here, but I am a human being as well as a politician. So, I mean, was this her Achilles' heel, the fact that she was a human? I mean, surely we've learned in recent years that there's no place for humans in politics anymore. We need the robot revolution as soon as possible. Could she be a... Well, if you watch PMQs between Starboard and SUDAC,

it does feel like, oh, a couple of algorithms are really going at it. Let's take our second clip. You know, I get up in the morning and I tell myself that I've got what it takes to... She's got what it takes to... Where do you get these from? Tom and Jerry had a sale. Is it every day I tell myself I've got what it takes

to make it to judges' houses? Is it that she's got what it takes to tell Rod Stewart he's not really Scottish? I can't believe someone in the audience actually went, ooh. Not Rod, please, Hugo. It's nothing sacred. Let's find out what she said.

You know, I get up in the morning and I tell myself that I've got what it takes to keep going and keep going and keep going. Yes, big political resignations. They're like London buses, in that there's been a fairly constant supply of them for almost 200 years now. And there was at least one this week. The surprise self-defenestration was that of Nicola Sturgeon,

the leader of the SNP and First Minister of Scotland, also known as, depending on which newspaper you read... Sturgeon, the obliteratrix of light, demolisher of the Union, destroyer of worlds, enemy of the pure. Age 52. Got to put the age if you're in a newspaper.

Did you see that nature documentary starring David Attenborough, 96, and a giraffe, 2? Sturgeon called an unexpected press conference on Wednesday morning leading to fevered speculation that she had discovered time travel or was about to reactivate Hadrian's Wall or had completed a wordle in one. But no, in fact, it was news of her own resignation as she approached eight years and three months in the job.

Despite the SNP's lead in the polls, issues such as the Gender Recognition Act, the refusal of Westminster to sanction another independence referendum, the state of the health service and the inequality in education and society in general were mounting up. So Sturgeon jumped before she, possibly at some still fairly distant point in the future, might or might not be pushed. A sensible decision in modern politics.

Pressure is now mounting for her husband, Peter Morell, to step down as chief executive of the SNP. And, well, the more husband and wife duos that occupy leadership roles, the worse it is for any organisation, something known as the Fleetwood Mac principle, or by some scholars as Abba's Law. Hopefully now Sturgeon and Morell will go on tour as holograms for decades to come.

At the end of that round, Team Sturgeon have two, Team Sturgeoff have one. Our next question is for Zoe and Nish. Labour leader Keir Starmer said this week that what will not be happening at the next general election? A Labour victory. It's not that, but it's close.

Zoe? This is to do with Corbyn, isn't it? Correct. He's standing as a Labour candidate in Islington and Keir said that is not going to happen. He gave a very impassioned speech, which had absolutely no passion behind it whatsoever. The Labour Party currently has a 23-point lead in the polls over a government that's

mired in scandal and led by someone whose members of the party didn't vote for less than a year ago. And they've just lost their biggest rival in Scotland. And yet somehow all we are talking about with Labour is their internal conflicts. If the Labour Party was a boxer it would knock itself out at the weigh-in. It's absolutely extraordinary. People always say in this country oh the right and the left have nothing in common but that's not true. The right hates the left and the left hates the left. I always feel like the Labour parties are sort of because they're like that, they try to deal with people who are so diametrically opposed.

It's like Kirsten was the manager of a village hall that wants to be used by both the Mormons and the sex cult. Somehow he's got to appease everybody. I mean, it feels like a big deal that he's basically kicked out Jeremy Corbyn, but actually there's been, like, in his entire career, there's been one brief period when Jeremy Corbyn agreed with the there's been like in his entire career there's been one brief period when Jeremy Corbyn agreed with the Labour Party

and that's when he was in charge of it. He's like a sort of classical music fan who turns up at a Harry Styles concert and is like, oh this again. You know, so I don't think it's not that surprising. It's not surprising because I'm not sure what Jeremy Corbyn could offer Keir Starmer's Labour Party.

The only thing he could really offer Keir Starmer, I don't know, maybe get him up the allotment waiting list, I don't know. But the other side part of me goes, yeah, but Keir Starmer was in his shadow cabinet. He said he was a colleague and a friend. I always describe you as a colleague and friend, don't I, Andy? Can't wait to knife you in the back.

I can't wait for Keir Starmer's Mormon sex cult in the village hall. And an even better reality TV show, surely. You know, Keir Starmer's middle name's Rodney. Just makes me smile. Whose middle name's Rodney? Keir Starmer's middle name's Rodney. Keir Rodney Starmer? Keir Rodney Starmer? Keir Rodney Starmer.

Really? And obviously, you know, named Keir after Keir Hardy, great lady. Not so good for his sister, Michael Footstarmer, but... Another question, Alison, go to Angela and Hugo. Starmer this week said, it was a humbling and painful experience. What was he talking about? Back sack and crack.

It's quite possible, yeah. It's the EHRC report into antisemitism in Labour. Correct. That's an impressively factual answer, Nish. Yeah. Well, I read the news in preparation for this. factual answer, Nish. Well, I've read the news in preparation for this. Yes, it was. The report into anti-Semitism in Labour by the

Equality and Human Rights Commission. I thought that might get a cheer. No fancy... They've taken Labour out of special measures, which is not a great place for a political party to be. What does that mean? Like you're sat on a stool in the corner? Yes, I think so. The electoral naughty step.

So they've been given a sort of a clean bill of health by the ECHR over their sort of anti-Semitism worries, but they're never quite going to settle it. It's this sort of problem quite poorly defined Labour's anti-Semitism problem because there are many on the left who still think it was appalling that it was ever suggested there was a problem that Labour had with anti-Semitism problem because there are many on the left who still think it was appalling that it was ever suggested that there was a problem that Labour had with anti-Semitism and it must have been some kind of conspiracy by the Jews.

And there's kind of no way out of that. And you go, well, the Tories weaponised it. And it's like, well, yes. It's like saying, well, we just left this crossbow lying around pointing at us and the other side weaponised it. Yes, they did. Labour leader Keir Starmer has taken on his party's Corbynista rump,

and coincidentally, Corbynista rump is the prospective Tory parliamentary candidate for Islington North. It's more the world. After the Equality and Human Rights Commission took Labour out of special measures after the party showed itself to be less anti-Semitic than it used to be, Starmer wrote an article in The Times saying that those who don't support his reforms of the party are welcome to leave. Now, to win the next election, of course, Labour will not only have to defeat the Conservatives,

but also it will have to defeat their oldest, fiercest rivals themselves. Labour MP Margaret Hodge said that when in Corbyn's shadow cabinet, Starmer had decided to fight anti-Semitism privately, which I suppose posed the age-old philosophical question if a tree falls in the forest

when there's nobody there to hear it, was the tree complicit in institutional anti-Semitism? Starmer wrote that under his leadership there will be zero tolerance of anti-Semitism, racism or discrimination of any kind which given recent ructions in the Labour Party over alleged sexism

and Labour's so-called woman problem, might have had some people waiting for him to tag on the small print. Zero tolerance may include some tolerance. Discrimination of any kind may not include all kinds of discrimination. May or may not reply if you may or may not be female. Please grumble responsibly. At the end of that round, Team Sturge off have surged ahead. They have five. Team Sturgeon have three.

Nish, this next question is for you. I know you're a massive Bob Dylan fan. Absolutely true, Drew. But can you tell me, no-one's called me Drew apart from my mother. So you, Nish, are a huge Bob Dylan fan, but can you tell me which of these is an influential mid-1970s album by the self-styled American Benny Hill

and which is a news story from this week? A, Blood on the Tracks, B, Chocolate Eggs on the M42. I do know the answer to this. It is, of course, a trick question, because chocolate eggs on the M42 was a Bob Dylan album from the 1980s. So you nearly tripped me up on a technicality,

so I'm going to have to go with option one, Blood On The Tracks. That is the correct answer, yes. A man aged 32 is facing a two-year jail sentence. A man is facing a two-year jail sentence after what we can only assume began as an ambitious plan to steal all the gold from the Royal Mint but metamorphosed into a plan

to hot-footed up the M42 in a tractor with 200,000 cream eggs. Have any of you ever tried to shift on 200,000 cream eggs. Have any of you ever tried to shift on 200,000 stolen items of confectionery? Do I look like if I had 200,000 cream eggs, I'd give them away? I'm not actually that keen on Cadbury's cream eggs. I think they're a bit... It's like someone sneezed in a Kinder Surprise, isn't it?

Mum! You've just ruined Easter for me now. There was like a police chase, wasn't there? So he sort of, was it from wherever they were being stored? He broke in and stole them in a van or lorry or something. And then there was a police chase and eventually he sort of gave... Imagine eating one of those Cadbury's cream eggs and having a more exciting day than you could ever dream of.

I just hope one of those police high-fived the other one as they walked away and they went, well, cream egg case, we cracked it. What's always baffled me about cream eggs is because the cream, it's spelled C-R-E-M-E, because it's not real cream. But they're also not real eggs. Right, the scores now. Team

Sturgeon still on three, and Team Sturgeoff have seven. Chance now for Angela and Hugo to fight their way back into it. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Superman. Hang on, no, it's not Superman either. Is it a Chinese spy balloon? No, not this time.

Is it an alien spacecraft? No. Well, what the hell is it? I love this story. There's just something about it just being... In the world of technology, that we're being spied on by something a dance player could take out. I think the latest news is they've arrested that bloke from the film Up. And I think... Because they shot them down.

So you had the actual spy balloon, and then there were two more that they shot down, one over Canada, one that weren't spy balloons. Which does beg the question, what were they? I like the idea that one of them might have been... You know those tube men you get outside American Carmarth? Fighter jets coming towards you, it just sort of slowly puts its hands up.

I like the idea. But a fighter jet seems a lot to take down a balloon. Because in my experience, if you just wait, a pylon will do the job for you. I can imagine a Santa hat floating down and going, it wasn't a balloon. Yes, we've always assumed aliens would arrive

in sort of superior vehicles than we've ever manufactured. Maybe they're just crappy balloons. Little green man dangling on a balloon. I've come from Mars on this, you know. Wrists are killing me. I don't know why it's got a northern accent. I watched the footage of the White House press secretary having to say that there was no indication of aliens

or extraterrestrial activity, and she had a look on her face that seemed to say, I didn't think this was going to be part of my job. I don't feel like the aliens have got much to offer us if their technology's only reached the balloon stage. But the exciting news is that Rishi Sunak has said that Britain is ready to shoot down any provably naughty or potentially snoopsome enemy balloons. Now, just recently, the chair of the Commons Defence Committee, Tobias Elwood, said that Britain's armed forces would last about five days in the event of a war.

So could blasting a balloon out of the sky be just the kind of morale-boosting win that we need? Is that all we've got now, just balloon popping? I don't think the Chinese are going to send a balloon to fly over Britain because with the state of our current public transport system, about 50 people will probably try to pile into it to get from London to Manchester. Maybe they're like aliens that

look like balloons, and we're only going to find out when they recover the debris. They're like, it was a balloon, but it's got a spleen. Yes, an object shot down over Alaska was described by authorities in America as being the size of a small car, or as it would be described in as being the size of a small car, or as it would be described in Britain, the size of a large

car. America showed the world once again that it will not negotiate with balloons. The list of things it will not negotiate with which include terrorists, gun crime statistics and the basic concept of common sense.

At the end of that round, the score is now five to Angela and Hugo on Team Sturgeon and seven to Zoe and Nish on Team Sturgeoff. For our final round now, both teams can attempt to answer this. Two points if you get it right, two points also if you give me an answer that could also just as well have been right. So what was described by the Labour Party this week

as a scandalous catalogue of waste? Argos. My home gym equipment. My balloon collection. Any other suggestions? What did Labour describe as a scandalous catalogue of waste? While Rishi Sunak was Chancellor of the Exchequer, they spent £3,000, I think, on paintings?

No, on fine art photographs. Fine art photographs. That's what they called them, but you think, were they fine art photographs, or was it like those ones that people get where it's the whole family walking along a beach dressed in white, smiling, you know, and he's got them up on his wall?

There's a photo in a government building of a family walking along the beach. You can be pretty sure it's got Suella Braverman in the side of it. It's spending using the government procurement card. But the Tories hit back by highlighting that Angela Rayner had spent £249 of public money on headphones. How did she justify that spending?

Well, she couldn't hear them, she had her headphones in. She just carried on listening to her S Club 7. She said the headphones had to sync with... With the iPad that she'd also bought for... It's starting to get worse and worse, isn't it? And let me tell you, it absolutely had to sink to my five iPads. Yes, Labour tried to muscle in on Tory territory again by giving the impression that the government is incompetent

and spendthrift at a time of national hardship. Labour has issued a report highlighting some at-best curious spending on government procurement cards, including when the Treasury spent more than £5,000 on a paper shredder. And now, there have been fears about the declining quality of our civil service, and these, I think, have been proved well-founded, given that no-one in the Treasury thought of using their five-grand shredder to shred the receipt for the five-grand shredder.

LAUGHTER What's happened to this company? And that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz and the final scores. Angela and Hugo on Team Sturgeon have seven, but our winners are Zoe and Nish on Team Sturgeon, off with nine.

Later on Radio 4 you can hear our latest co-production between BBC History and Hollywood's leading animation studios, Churchill and the Chipmunks. Don't forget you can find previous episodes on BBC Sounds, including Berlin Wall E and... LAUGHTER ..and Kung Fu Pan Berlin. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye.

Taking part in the News Quiz were Zoe Lyons, Nish Kumar, Angela Barnes and Hugo Rifkin. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Catherine Brinkworth, Peter Toulouche, Eleanor Morton and Cameron Loxdale. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production. Hello, I'm John York and I want to tell you about Opening Lines, a new series from BBC Radio 4

in which I'll be looking at books, plays, poems and stories of all kinds that have made a mark and asking, what makes them work? This stuff is jaw-droppingly shocking. I'll be asking lots of questions. What's at the heart of the story? How does it achieve its effect? What makes it special?

History is usually written by winners, but he wants to give a voice to people who are not usually heard. I'll be hearing from people who know and love these works. Writers. We do have an orgasm evoked on the page. Dramatists. Biographers. It's worn better as a book about England than it has as a book about sex, I think.

And directors too. In the end, I'll be asking, what makes this work worth reading now? Join me to find out in opening lines from BBC Radio 4 and available on BBC Sounds.