Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 19th January

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

Andy Zaltzman quizzes news from Swansea this week. Providing all the answers are Lucy Porter, Robin Morgan, Tadiwa Mahlunge, and Ayesha Hazarika.In this episode Andy and the panel have a look at some broken geopolitical New Year's resolutions and how life seemingly both began and is now struggling in Wales.Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material by: Cody Dahler, Cameron Loxdale, and Callum JonesProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Coordinator: Sarah Nicholls Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production for Radio 4

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to the News Quiz. We're recording in Swansea this week, so I thought I'd pop up the road to Rossilly Beach, which last year came in the top 50 beaches in the world. I'm guessing they didn't send the judging panel in mid-January. I'm really starting to think this was not the day to try a new bikini.

So I might just pop down to Port Talbot to thaw out in front of the blast furnace. They've done what?! Whilst I thaw out and head to the recording, please enjoy the theme tune for this week's News Quiz. Welcome to the News Quiz, coming to you this week from Swansea in Wales. Another time of broad national dissatisfaction across the UK, so our two teams this week are Team Mumbles against Team Grumbles.

On Team Mumbles, we have Robin Morgan and Tadue Malungay. And on Team Grumbles, Lucy Porter and Aisha Hazarika. And here we are in the back half of the pantomime horse that is the month of January, and it's that time of year when all those New Year's resolutions start to fall by the wayside. For our first round this week, our panellists have to tell me who broke each resolution and how and why they broke it. So this will go to Aisha and Lucy first.

This is the resolution. Tell me who made it and who broke it. We will learn to get along with each other. Was this William and Kate's children when told that Daddy's going to be doing daycare for the foreseeable future? Was it my family by having Christmas dinner in the same room at the same time? As a keen watcher in these things, I suspect

it's political and then it's the ruling party? Correct. Yes. You can't even call them by their name now. I can't. I suspect it's political, and it's the ruling party? Correct, yes. You can't even call them by their name now. I can't. I mean, ruling's a bit of a stretch. So this was the Rwanda bill, which had its third reading in the House of Commons, and we all know this has been a very perilous journey for the government.

And the classic moment was Lee Anderson, because Lee Anderson likes to think of himself as quite a hard man, doesn't he? You know, he's very, very good at punching down in terms of refugees or vulnerable people. But then he said he couldn't end up voting against the government because Angela Rayner gave him some side eye and, like, looked at him a bit funny. and then Lee Anderson gave this interview to GB News who by the way GB News pays

Lee Anderson a hundred thousand pounds a year for high level political analysis I mean that is like asking Harold Shipman to give you advice on social care do do you know what I mean? And he said, look, I'm really sorry that I couldn't support the Prime Minister but I want Rashid to know that he's got my full support from now on. That is as good as a condom with a few holes in it. Do you know what I mean? In terms of the granting

and things. So that has been the big thing this week in Parliament. Is it a sign that the Conservatives are losing their edge? That they can't even... LAUGHTER They can't even put a decent rebellion against their own leader together anymore. The other thing that was kind of crazy

is the backdrop to all of this is that in Rwanda, Paul Kagame is now like, yeah, this is all just doing my head in. Time is ticking. And he's like, you know, we might even give you some refund of some kind if you don't send any people over. But it's not really a refund, it's more a credit note.

And the terms of the credit note is you need to move checkers to Kigali. That's like... I mean, it's quite a bizarre, ongoing... I don't know what the technical term is. Shit show? The people of Swansea have gone with shit show and who are we? I like the new improv news quiz.

Give us a suggestion. Well, to be honest, politics is essentially improv. Yes, and in a terrible policy. Yes, and in a terrible policy. Because so far, I think it's cost something like £250 million and no asylum seekers have been Rwandered yet. I felt very sad seeing Lee Anderson resign on Tuesday. There only comes a once-in-a-lifetime politician like him once in a while. I thought this show would be suspended out of respect.

I've heard Elton John is coming out of retirement to re-record Candle In The Wind. Just for him. It's extraordinary that... So they're saying, oh, no, Rwanda's completely safe, right? Which is, these are the same people who thought that Michelle Moan was a respectable provider of PPE, so let's not trust them too much.

So we've recently accepted asylum applications from six people fleeing Rwanda, and now the idea is we're going to send them back. I mean, they should be cashing in their air miles, I think. You describe it as a flagship policy, so I guess that makes it essentially this government's Mary Rose. But the difference being that rather than just leaving it there when it sank, they are basically sitting in the sunken ship saying,

this could still work. We could still go anywhere in here. They're saying it's still alive, but it's alive like a Soviet leader of the early 80s. It's on a ventilator in a basement somewhere. It's also that kind of thing where the number 10 people have now just completely... There's collective delusion about this sort of...

It's one of those things where, yeah, the operation went really, really well. The patient died, but the operation went really, really well. And you talk about this being a flag. It is astonishing, right, to think. This policy only was announced in April 2022. It's less than two years old, and it haunts our every waking moment. Like so many things that are just under two years old.

And it came into being because Priti Patel just came up with this kind of mad idea. It is worth remembering that there were so many mad ideas thought of at the time. One idea that was floated, pardon the pun, was a giant wave machine. That was seriously floated to try and stop the small boats. I mean, it's just completely...

Wave machines are fun, though, aren't they? I know! And it just seemed like Rishi Sunak's in a position where, like many modern leaders, it doesn't matter how insane a policy is, it's more important that you're not seen to back down from that insanity. Yeah, I kind of feel for Rishi Sunak.

Like, he's in a bad spot because they picked him and they put him in. They were like, oh, he's brown, no-one can think he's racist, we can get in all of our racist policies. But now it's an election year and he has to win over Tory voters and no one's going to think he's racist so he can't win these elections. So what he actually needs is a minister for racism.

So go around like, ironically, Lee Anderson would have been perfect. They've been pushing this agenda for a while now. They tried to relaunch it in September just gone by having Small Boats Week. They had a whole week dedicated, which is my least favourite week on Strictly. It's not fun. It's not fun.

The other guy to resign with Lee Anderson was Brendan Clark-Smith, the other deputy chairman, who's... They're like best friends. Brendan Clark-Smith, the other deputy chairman, who's... They're like best friends. Brendan Clark-Smith was on Lee Anderson's GB News show where Lee Anderson fed him baked beans live on air because Brendan Clark-Smith said, due to the cost of living crisis, if you can't afford Heinz beans, you should have Tesco Valley beans.

And Lee Anderson went, let's try some beans. And I feel like that's a beautiful metaphor for the state of politicians that we have now. We have Tesco value politicians. That's the standard we have. And of course, the next stage is going to be very, very difficult because it's going to go into the House of Lords. And the House of Lords are really excited

about this bill coming through. And one Lord said to me, it may come here, but it's never going to leave. And I have to say, I've never seen somebody so close to death looking so alive. So, right, we're going to set our panellists a bit of a challenge now, because we've discussed quite how insane this policy is, but can any of our panellists come up with a solution

to any political problem, could be the asylum immigration problem or anything else, that makes less sense than the Rwanda policy? Lucy, do you want to go first? I think mine's quite sensible. OK, all right. So I went to the Big Pit Museum in Pontypool once, and they do a thing where they say, oh, we're going to take you underground now,

you're going to go underground into the mine. And you get in a lift and it shakes about a bit and then you come out of the lift and then you walk about a bit and then you realise that the lift didn't actually really take you that far underground and I felt like an absolute idiot. But I thought that's what we do, is we get asylum seekers, we put them on a plane, and then we just project a journey outside.

And then go, oh, you're in Miranda, but it's Croydon. And it's... Right, let's move on to resolution number two. This can go to Lucy. Who made this resolution, and how did they break it? We will stay off the United States

official list of terrorist organizations i'm sure we all made that new year's resolution so the um the hooties yes this week rishi sunak decided to join with america and bomb the hooties there they call them the red sea pirates which just sounds so glamorous doesn't it this is the problem we've spent years making piracy seem really sexy but they're actually bastards that's the pirates always been bastards it's johnny depp all over again yes well there was one did you see there was like a hot pirate because they've been doing all these tiktok videos and there was this one pirate and he was undeniably just so hot.

And everyone was calling him Tim Houthi Chalamet. Tim Houthi Chalamet. Very clever, I like that. But yeah, so there's been airstrikes on the Houthis who've been attacking ships off the coast of Yemen. I mean, obviously it's massively affecting shipping, and so there was legitimate reason to think that we should attack them. I mean, you know, the idea was this will sort of put an end to the disruption,

this will de-escalate things. Of course it will, mate, of course it will. Bumming things in the Middle East generally, not me. Yeah. Just chills everything out for a bit, doesn't it? Maybe Rishi, he should have watched Barbie rather than Oppenheimer over Christmas. Well, the first thing to say, by the way,

as a broadcaster, it's really difficult to get the pronunciation right. Is it, like, hoothy, or is it hooty? And the difficulty, if you say hooty, it sounds, like, quite cute, like they could be backing singers for Jools Hollands, like Hootenanny, so that's quite sort of problematic. Well, hootie and the blow-up fish.

And you've got, so you've had the emergence of these groups, you've had the Houthis, Hamas, Hezbollah, all coming back on the scene, and they initially emerged back in the 1990s, and I think the US and uk security services would do well to keep an eye on hansen because you just you never know what those bastards um

obviously a lot of shipping companies aren't using the the red sea anymore i'm personally not using it anymore that i've stopped i used to ship tour tickets down that route. I've got a big Houthi following. They love to laugh, Andy. They love to laugh. It was crazy because, like, I found out about the story, like, everyone who uses lefty liberal Instagram. I was like, oh! And then I read about it, and then I had to stop having emotions.

But what was crazy was the hootie violence that actually sparked it was the 26th attack since November. There's turning the other cheek, but no-one has 26 cheeks. I was just surprised that we're still using shipping routes in 2024. That feels really retro, doesn't it? We're not in the 16th century. It's embarrassing. Right, OK.

I think it's a bit romantic. It's a bit nostalgic, the kind of shipping routes. It feels quite environmentally friendly. And of course, they've now had to change the route and they've got to go around South Africa instead. And it does mean that Trap My Parcel has got a lot more interesting. So I ordered some loo roll from Amazon the other day,

and it's basically gone in a gap year. Could you imagine, like, the fear on the South Africans' faces as they see British ships approaching, like, ah, not again. So another question. Robin and Tana were going to have this one. Who or what is the Galaxy Leader? How did the Galaxy Leader get involved in this story? Was it Stephen Hawking's codename on Epstein's Island?

I thought the Galaxy Leader... The Galaxy Leader is the very important person in the Celebrations Chocolates factory. There's the Bounty Leader, the Twix leader, and my favourite, the Maltesers leader, who's the best of all. It was a ship, wasn't it? Yes, correct. So last year, the Hooties, they took...

I mean, it was, again, an amazing video. What they are is social media kings because they showed themselves storming this ship and they've taken it over and now it's like a tourist attraction and people go and have selfies on it. They did a graduation ceremony, which is a lovely thing to remember, isn't it?

Is it their big pit? Is that what it is? You've got kids, haven't you, Robin? their big pit? Is that what it is? You've got kids when you're robbing? I've got two kids. Does this sound like a good tourist attraction to you? To take your kids to a hijacked ship with 25 hostages on board? If kids

eat free, I'll be there. Right, yes, not a great week once again for those who like everything to be peace and quiet in the Middle East. The US and the UK have launched attacks against the Yemen-based, Iran-backed Houthi rebels. There is currently a fragile peace deal on the table between the Houthis and Saudi Arabia,

but that could be thrown into jeopardy if the current crisis continues or if the Houthis launch their own golf tour. Right, let's move on now to a resolution for Robin and Tadowa. This is the broken resolution. Tell me who made it and how did they break it? We will stop going back to the man we know is no good for us. Whose resolution was that? Oh, I think it's about Noel Edmonds.

Right. No, it's actually about the Iowa caucus, which was won by Donald Trump, who, and I can't be the only person, I've never heard of. Former businessman, apparently. Dad of five. Fair play to him. He's come out of nowhere. He won 51% of the vote, which is, I think, the record victory in Iowa. I think it was also the lowest turnout in about 25 years because of heavy snow.

And also a lot of the voting took place in schools. And a lot of Trump supporters aren't legally allowed to go near those. Allegedly. But he's had a busy week as well. On Monday, he won the Iowa caucus. On Tuesday, he went to New York because he was on trial for defamation charges. I think he's just burning the candle at both ends, Andy. I think he said three Weetabix in the morning.

Bless him. Because he's facing 91 criminal charges across four different trials. And for context, Joe Biden is facing none. Pretty pathetic, Joe. Are you excited by that, Tadowa? Well, I kind of like life under Biden, because, like, compared to Trump,

the world is still ending, just in a less racist way. It's amazing how it sort of... He worked out, so there's been five presidential debates and he's taken part in none of them. But he has been going to court, even when he hasn't needed to, because it turns out he's more popular when he goes to court than he is debating people and you do think rishi's gonna look at that isn't he um southwark crown court in the morning

just small claims but the other thing is some of the other candidates are just extraordinary in this as well, because you've got this absolute idiot, Vivek Ramaswamy, who has got the charm and intellect of a blocked Wetherspoons toilet. And... Vivek's like Rishi's really braggy cousin. And, do you know, I feel, like, really conflicted about this, because as a sort of brown kid

as an Indian, I was always like I dream of seeing more people who look like me in politics and then we've had Priti Patel, Suella Braverman and I'm like no, I've never been, my mum was right, we should stick to being doctors, we're not going to Right, that brings an end to our new year's resolutions

round with the scores tied at four points each okay for our next round we're going to focus down a bit now the second half of this week's show consists of questions about one randomly selected country in the northern hemisphere each of the 143 countries which are totally within the Northern Hemisphere are going to go into the draw. I'll just empty the balls into the bowl now.

Mix the balls up and pull one out. It's number 84. Wales. Yes, this week we are coming from Swansea, so our first two questions are about life in Wales. This can go to Lucy and Ayesha. According to a report in The Times this week,

what began in Wales? Was it King Charles' prostate problems? Possibly. It's good to be open about this thing. I don't know. I don't know. We call that a Welsh welcome. I think I know what this is. This is actual life. Yes.

Began in Wales. They found an ancient creature, a jellyfish-like creature, which apparently that's what lava bread's made of. I've never trusted it. I thought it was made of volcanoes. So it's a jellyfish, possibly from 565 million years ago, which, you know, the jellyfish has possibly from 565 million years ago, which, you know, the jellyfish has been here 565 million years. We've only been here about 12,000 years.

They should send us to Rwanda. The fossil, as Lucy said, is this soft-bodied jellyfish-like creature lacking any sort of backbone. And Lee Anderson has offered to play it in the film. Yeah, I mean, does this make you proud, Robin? Hugely. It's 565 million years old and apparently it was at Tom Jones' first gig. LAUGHTER

All right. Come on. Sir Tom Jones. Yes, researchers have revealed that a fossil from Carmarthenshire is the oldest fallacular relic of complex life ever found, meaning that, under laws by which we interpret news in the 21st century, all life began right here, right then, in Wales. It also means we're all Welsh now, and also it means that you, people of Wales,

everything that's happened since then is your fault. Wales got us into this mess, evolving and stuff, and Wales can bloody well get us out of it. Our second Life in Wales question now goes to Robin and Tadwa. According to a recent poll, what is getting worse in Wales? It's also life. Correct. Yeah, I did say it was a life in wales round yeah um yeah apparently it's um it's it was a survey not a poll but a survey done by wales online which is our correct correct it is our national media um and uh they have some good journalists,

and they do some print journalism, which is very, very good. Their online site is... Well... You know the advert at the bottom of other websites where it says, you'll never guess what this actress from the 90s looks like now? That's, like, the most read article for seven days on Wales Online. It's genuinely insane. It's amazing. But they did this survey of Wales Online...

You can't really call them readers, but it's sort of... LAUGHTER And they said that life is getting worse. So apparently it was 94.59% said that life has got worse than the other 5.41%. I don't know who they are. I think they've probably just watched that BBC drama about Viagra and Swansea

and finally plucked up the courage to get some themselves. I think that's what it is now. I think life has got worse in the last year because we as a nation miss Hugh Edwards. I'm going to say it. We miss him. And if life was getting worse, at least we'd have Uncle Hugh to tell to say it. We missed it. And if life was getting worse, at least we'd have Uncle Hugh to tell us about it.

Yeah, so 94% unhappy. And to help convince the 94% that they were definitely right, stories emerged this week. Can you tell me, Lucy and Aisha, who is set to say ta-ta to Welsh jobs? I think that's a fair response. This is such a sad story. This is about

Tata Steel saying that they're going to shed loads of jobs and it is such sad news and I fully expect the government to do absolutely nothing and hope that the ITV drama department will step in. I mean, this is just, what, ten miles down the road from here

and there's been a lot of talk about this for some time, so I assume the government has a ready-made plan to fix everything when it finally happens? It's infuriating because, as we said, this is the kind of stuff that could have been worked on as opposed to an anti-work agenda or stopping the boats and all these kind of things, and it's going to decimate the community and it's dreadfully sad.

There's been a lot of criticism about the lack of cooperation between the Welsh government and Westminster. I guess that's still a bit of resentment from when we in England thought we were overcharged for these stones at Stonehenge. Is there... Do you see any way that those lingering historical squabbles can be fixed? Um, no.

Now, I picked out some news stories that are contributing to life in Wales getting worse, as seen by the 94% of people in that survey. We're going to get a bit Fiona Bruce on this. We're going to try and lighten the mood a bit with a bit of Antiques Roadshow. You know how she does the good, better, best bit on Antiques Roadshow? Are you familiar with that? We're going to do bad, worse, worst.

The things that are making Wales a worse place in the mind of their own people. So A, is junior doctors going on strike? B, the 20-mile-an-hour speed limit? Or C, star rugby player Louis-Reece Zammett defecting to American football? Which would you say is the worst of those? According to me or according to the Wales Online survey? Well, you speak on behalf of the Wales...

And I bloody will, Andy. Personally, I would say the NHS crisis in Wales is probably the worst thing we're facing at the moment, but I think probably, especially judging by the audience reaction, driving slightly slower. Correct. That is the correct answer. But think of the ambulances. I mean,

you've got to have ambulances driving at 155 miles an hour if we're going to cut down those waiting times. Well, that is the correct answer. 44% of people said the 20 mile an hour speed limit is the issue that most needed addressing. The NHS was second and other stuff, which I assume now includes the Louis Rizamit controversy.

The reason that he's left is that his sprint speed is 24.2 mile an hour, which is 4.2 miles an hour... LAUGHTER ..faster than he's allowed to go. It's happened in Welsh rugby before. Star players have gone to rugby league. But possibly this is the biggest shock in Welsh sport since 1979 world snooker champion Terry Griffiths

put down his cue and joined the American professional wrestling circuit. Right, we're going to look ahead now for the end of our Wales section now. We're using this high-tech piece of kit, the Nostradamatex Soothblaster 3.2. It's one of the leading prophecy generators on the market. It turns news stories into mystical foretellings of things that will happen. So here is the first Nostradamus-style prophecy for what will happen imminently in Wales. Our panellists simply have to interpret it. Let's hear the first prophecy.

As the ice thaws, a new overlord will spring from the ground. Red he will be, red as the old duck waddles away across a river. Robin and Tano, can you tell me what that's foretelling? Is it the new Welsh Labour leader, by any chance? Yes, that's correct. Can you explain why? Mark Drakeford announced before Christmas that he was resigning. He always said he'd stand five years. Everyone in Swansea will know,

but for listeners at home, Mark Drakeford is kind of like our Obama. And... LAUGHTER In the sense that he has lost support since he's been... Basically, I think it was the 21-an-hour thing that I think has lost him a lot of support.

I don't think he's as electorally sound for UK Labour going into a general election, so I think he was maybe kind of pushed before he walked. But Vaughan Gething, who was the health minister during Covid, and Jeremy Miles, they are the two frontrunners. The Labour Party doesn't do well with leaders called Jeremy, just to... Yes, there will be a later leadership election

to replace the departing Mark Drakeford. Whilst Wales is choosing a new First Minister, the interim leaders will be Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney. Well, that brings us to the end of this week's News Quiz, and our winners are Team Mumbles, Robin and Taddo, with ten points, and Team Grumbles, Lucy and Aisha, scored just eight. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Ayesha Hazarika,

Tadiwan Hlungay, Robin Morgan and Lucy Porter. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Cody Darla, Callum Jones and Cameron Locksdale. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, I'm Dr Michael Moseley and in my BBC Radio 4 podcast, Just One Long Thing, I'm meeting the world's leading experts to discuss the best ways to live well. From talking to strangers to boost happiness, to ageing disgracefully to live longer. I'll be learning the top tips that the experts swear by to maximise your health and wellbeing.

And as this is a Just One Thing special, I'll end each interview by asking our expert to choose the one personal health hack that they would say is the single most effective way you can improve your life. To benefit your brain and body in ways you might not expect, here's one thing you can do right now. Subscribe to the podcast on BBC Sounds.