Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 19th July

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Topical panel quiz show, taking its questions from the week's news stories.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. I'm Adam Chowdhury and today on What In The World we're asking, how do I become an Olympian? I speak to two young athletes. They explain the sacrifices they've made to make it to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris and what it means for them to compete on the biggest stage in sport. What in the World is the daily podcast that helps you make sense of the world in under 15 minutes,

no prior knowledge required. Find us wherever you get your BBC podcasts. BBC Sounds, radio podcast. Hello this week's news quiz comes from the ancient city of Nottingham. And in line with current best practice established by the Mayor of Paris ahead of the Olympics to prove that Nottingham is safe to host the show I'm going to jump into the River Trent for a swim. Slightly more piranhas than I've been led to believe.

Oh, a rare sighting of the endangered Midlands River Shark. Don't worry, it'll grow back. Oh, is that a Chinese Communist Party party submarine? Those guys have lightened up. Anyway, other than that, we are good to go with this week's scrupulously hygienic Nottingham News Quiz. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello. Hello, I'm Andy Dotsman.

For our final news quiz of this series, our teams this week, in the week of the state opening parliament, we have Ridiculous Garb against Team Ridiculous Gab. On Team Garb we have Susie McCabe and Lucy Porter. And on Team Garb, Scott Bennett and Hugo Rifkin. APPLAUSE Hugo and Scott, you can take the first question. King Charles this week unleashed the longest what that anyone has seen for over 20 years. LAUGHTER

Was it the longest robe? Did you see that? Oh, yes. It was 18ft. It was in the way. It looked like he'd got dressed in carpet right. LAUGHTER I actually had an idea about the rope to Scott because when I looked at that rope I thought to myself he's trying to still outdo Diana from their wedding let it go Chico let it go it was it was the longest Queen's

speech correct yes it was a very different Queen's speech to the ones we become used to it was a lot a lot less like a hostage video than they've been for a while. Well, it's just really weird having the monarch in parliament reading out stuff that the government actually means and that might happen. It's not like new policies like, oh, if people come here from Algeria, we're going to make them live in wigwams on the moon, you know? It was real stuff. It was odd. Rishi looked thrilled, didn't he? Oh, he is like three months, oh, I'm off. I'll be in California for the autumn, everything's looking great and Ciar's going,

we found cheese at the back of the fridge. LAUGHTER It smelled like that. Do you know the most interesting thing about the Queen's speech for me? Is, or the King's speech as it was. I don't know why I've been saying Queen, I'm not making any illusions of the drag race, it's just very popular. It's the way that it runs to time, but they're like at 11.05 the King will turn the corner and I'm like, this guy's in a carriage. There is men dressed in embroidered gold tunics with trumpets and they can get this to run in time.

You try and get a train in this country. KSDama promised in a buildup to the Queen's speech to take the watts off Britain. Breton Mom J. Coughy subscription. It's not popular, but... I was... He's going to take the brakes off, hasn't he? The brakes, yes. My first thought was when he was taking the brakes off,

I was like, have you seen the potholes out there, mate? Do you know the stretches of the A52 that people are using to mix baby formula? That is how, that is how, there's people losing hips on a daily basis. I don't want to take the brakes off. When someone says I'm going to take the brakes off, I'm like, no, no, just leave a leg trailing in the gravel. I don't like that. It feels terrifying. Yeah. Yeah, take the stabilizers off.

Yeah. Feel right. As long as you're still behindizers off. Yeah. That'd be alright. As long as you're still behind us, Keir. As long as I know you're still there, Daddy. Sorry. LAUGHTER Was that meant to sound as sexual as it was? LAUGHTER

Yes, it was. Oh, wow. Lucy, what would you like Kissed Armor to take off? LAUGHTER As long as he does it with his teeth, I don't mind what it is. Let's stop this. My poor husband. There's a lot about growth, which I'm very in favour of. If I could grow, I would be.

Although growth is very expensive. I have two teenage children and it's like, yeah, that's 50 quid in Clarks. Taking the breaks off implies that you're just going to work chaotically going the same direction. Hugo, were you, as a political journalist, were you impressed by, well, either the King or what he said? I mean, it's nice that there's some policies.

I think some of them we could have done with a while ago. Like, when anyone has a new policy from now on, they're going to get the OBR to say whether it's a good idea. And this has happened, like, until now. But normally the OBR said it after they've announced it, which is disastrous in a Liz Trost kind of way. Now they're going to actually check whether a policy is going to work before they announce it, which is like really brave.

So yeah, I thought that was all good. Well, let's have a look at some of the policies in more detail. I'm going to ask our panellists the name of a bill, and I simply have to tell me if it is one of the 40 genuine bills or one of the 960 bogus bills that I've added to the mix. So for example, sustainable aviation fuel brackets revenue support mechanism brackets bill.

That is real. Whereas the compulsory lanyards brackets avoiding awkward moments when you forget someone's name brackets bill. Sadly, bogus. So this first one, I'll give this to Susie and Lucy, is this a real bill or a bogus bill? The planning and infrastructure bill. I mean that's dull.

That sounds as boring as Kirsten, doesn't it? Yeah, it sounds quite boring. That sounds real, I think. Yes. That is real. Yeah. Congratulations. It's all about the green belt, that, isn't it? Yes.

Building on the green belt, because they've discovered a new bit of the green belt is actually the gray belt. Yes. And you think they should have spotted this before. It's quite, basically, it's changing green to gray and then open no one will notice. And it works, because it's worked for the bins.

No one knows what the hell's going on. LAUGHTER It'd be nice to see some sort of building randomly. I'd like to see someone tee off at the Bell 3. Right. And then on the 14th hole, have to play through a three-bed semi-detached. LAUGHTER Wonderful, aren't they? I'm coming through, you're not! I'm watching the chase!

LAUGHTER I'm coming through, you're not, I'm watching the chase. Just a kiddies splash pool in the middle of Trent Bridge would be quite nice. I get an extra point for mentioning a cricket ground. I suppose it is quite good they are going to do some building because I think at the moment the next generation are relying solely on inheritance and I think that's... because my mum and dad at the moment are in their 70s and I go around there and my mum's just walking around going one day this is all coming to you and it's really upsetting because I need it now. Yeah. I do love you though mum, she will be listening

Okay, uh scott and hugo is this a real bill from the king's speech or a bogus bill This is the imagine you're saying it to someone's face before you post it online bill I mean it should be real. Yeah, yeah, but it's not. No, well. Correct. Shit. I'll give you another one here. The passenger railway services brackets public ownership brackets bill. Oh no, that one is real. Correct. Yes, definitely. Right, excited by that? I am. Do you know what? It was quite interesting. Again, it's a bit nostalgic, isn't it? I like the way they've put great British railway, great British energy. Because if it's a bit nostalgic, isn't it? I like the way they've put great British railway, great British energy.

Because if there's anything about this country we know, if you put great British in front of things, it lifts them and they become very popular. I mean, look where it's done for sewing and baking. That's the shortcut to us. Look, these people clapping. So are you saying that basically what's happening under this scheme is that you will have enthusiastic amateurs attempting to build railway, whilst Noel Fielding looks slightly confused in the

background? No, Pete Waterman is the man. Waterman and Portillo, that's who it would be. They sort of come on and go, that didn't your train sunk at the back. You've got a soggy bottom, these toilets have been blocked for weeks. But yeah, I think that's quite nice. It's quite nice to have sort of to get rid of all these little companies so we can direct our hatred just a bit.

Susie, are you excited about railways basically becoming partly your property as a member of the public again? I already have that in Scotland, Danny. We already own our railways which are slightly marginally better than the nonsense of Down Here. No they're not. They are. Hugo, you don't travel outside of London enough. As a comedian who has to travel around this country,

let me tell you, getting on three different train providers is beyond stressful. Whereas I can just go on a wee ScotRail train and they go, it's cancelled, you can get the next one. Now it might be tomorrow, right? But I can still get it. That's what I'm saying. Last time I was on a ScotRail train,

I was with a friend from North London and the trolley comes along and my mate goes, have you got any fruit? And the woman looks and she goes, we've got fruitcake. There's Hugo being his old Edinburgh uncle Tom. Listen, I have done the trains down here and the chances of getting a seat, let alone a piece of fruit. When did you become so anxious about fruit? The closest I've seen you eat fruit is having a strawberry vape. Lucy and Susie, one of the aims of the passenger railway services bill is to simplify what

aspect of rail travel? The travel? Sadly not. Is it, I think I know what this is, it's the ticketing isn't it? Correct, yes. Because I, now listen, I have an affliction which is I have approachable face syndrome. And it is, these French people came up to me at St Pancras and said we want we went to Bedford.

And I was like, that's a bad idea to start with. And they were trying to get me to explain the tickets. And it's just insane the thing of going, and it's like, oh, when are you going to go? Are you going to go now? Because then that's super off peak. But if you go later, it'll be off peak. But then if you go a bit later, it'll super-duper-duper off-peak.

Train tickets are really simple. It's basically you want to go anywhere, it's 200 quid. Unless you want to go in the past, in which case it's cheaper but you can't because the past has already been. But what you can do if you want to save some money, if you're going from London to Edinburgh, if you divide it up into several tickets to break along the way, and on a £200 ticket, that will save you as much as 70p. A couple more bills. Are these real bills or bogus bills? The, for heaven's sake, don't

try and sit on a one-one score line and hope to take it to penalties bill. Is that real or bogus? I think that's bogus, but it should be real. It should be real, but you're correct, it is bogus. And finally, the simplified punctuation brackets reducing unnecessary use of parentheses brackets. In terms of what wasn't in the speech, was there anything you hoped would be in there but wasn't? The child benefit one was odd that that was missing.

And also it's always saying they're not going to pay benefit if you have more than two children, which is interesting. I've not got three, I've got two because I'm not insane. But I remember once I was at the airport and I went into boots and it was buy two, get the third free on travel toiletries. And I did think you get a better deal on shower gel than you do on child benefit. And I know they keep saying they've got no money to lift the child benefit to Child Cap, but I think what we do is we get a swear box and every time he mentions what his dad does, he puts a pound in. And we can do that within a swear box and every time he mentions what his dad does he puts a pound in

and we can do that within a week I'd say. That was one of the bills actually was the fact that everyone's father should be a tool maker by 2029. Let's have a couple of questions about the ceremony itself. The state opening of parliament features a ceremonial search of the sellers of the Palace of Westminster looking for what? Nigel Farage. Because he's in America for some reason. He's got a lovely tan, hasn't he? Did you see him on their interview? A lovely grey one. Oh, an unhealthy tan, yeah.

That kind of nicotine tan that he's got, isn't it? It's just like staining in an old person's living room that's smoking he is the gray belt the check for explosives that's not the real they do another one afterwards surely you cannot find explosives wearing a Jacobean ruff. LAUGHTER This is not because anything below waist level... LAUGHTER I mean, that's fine. Shall we look down there? I can't bend my neck. LAUGHTER

You know, it's just bananas. And the way that the whole thing just operates, and then the whole black rods rods and then they're all... Do you know that the black rod tradition thing, this is all new to me, when they knock on the door, they slam it first in the face and they have to knock again three times. Just two words, video doorbell. It sat on a gold throne, can't we stretch to that in the budget? It was the longest ever King's speech as well, wasn't it?

It was, yeah. Well, the longest for a long time. I don't think it was the longest ever. Longest for a long time. Longest since at least. Which is amazing considering this King didn't even have a stutter. Yeah, and obviously we don't know, these weren't the words of Charles himself. We won't know what Charles himself actually wanted to say until his King Chucky Off The Leash podcast was released into the public domain in 70 years' time.

But it was 1,421 words long, which of course is the same number of words as runs scored by ashes-winning former England captain Andrew Strauss in test matches against Australia. So further proof of style, I'm trying to project himself as a safe pair of hands in the Strauss in test matches against Australia. So further proof of Stammer trying to project himself as a safe pair of hands in the Straussian mold. And it was 12 minutes and 44 seconds long. That is 764 seconds, which 764 is a number of overs bowled by legendary Yorkshire and England fast bowler Freddie Truman in tests against the West Indies. So Stammer really trying to consolidate labor's recovery in

the north of England. That concludes our King's Speech Round and the scores are 11 to Susie and Lucy and 12 to Scott and Hugo. I'm Adam Chowdhury and today on What's in The World we're asking, how do I become an Olympian? I speak to two young athletes. They explain the sacrifices they've made to make it to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris and what it means for them to compete on the biggest stage in sport. What In The World is the daily podcast that helps you make sense of the world in under 15 minutes, no prior knowledge required. Find us wherever you get your BBC podcasts.

Let's move across the Atlantic now. Hugo and Scott, you can have this question. Donald Trump credited whom for helping him survive last weekend's assassination attempt? It was God. Correct. He credited God correct. It's a god Yeah, I remember about ten years ago. There was a story in the paper about Anthropologists had discovered in Zambia

There was one very popular chimpanzee among the other chimpanzees and it had started wearing a bit of hay or straw in its ear And all the other chimpanzees copied it and it was in National Geographic and everything. That is happening this week at the Republican National Convention but with plasters, right? And everyone's going, well, Donald Trump's got a really, really big plaster on his ear. I think it's very sweet that they're all wearing the little ear plaster to support him. I'm going to support Biden with his COVID and just go back to bed. My favorite bit is when the Secret Service came out

trying to defend their lack of service. And they say, oh, we couldn't put guys in that roof. I'm like, what? They're like, yeah, we couldn't. Where the shooter was, their roof was a bit loose. And I thought, at no point have I ever watched James Bond or The Bourne Identity and two guys have jumped over a face, scaved a building and went,

have you seen a risk assessment for this? LAUGHTER Yeah, the movies, you know, you sort of... You picture them leaping in front going, No! Whereas what actually happened was they were like, well, duck if you want, I'm not your mum. LAUGHTER They nailed the secret bit.

Because she didn't know they were there. But it was interesting watching him sort of go down and then he said, like, where are my shoes? That's what he said, didn't he? He had sort of blood on his, he was being bundled to the ground and I thought, that's a night out in Nottingham. I've heard people say, where are my shoes?

They also said we need to take violence away from American politics and I was like, Abraham Lincoln was literally assassinated. You have always had violence in American politics, what are you talking about? He said, I've been doing this forever, the guy never got in the school rifle club. This school hit a rifle club! Well it's also, I mean it's Trump as well, it's like the riot guy, you know, the riot guy is the guy who's saying you've got to take violence out of politics. The guy who literally got them to storm the parliament is the guy who's saying it's getting a bit

violent guys. I mean come on. Are you suggesting there might be elements of hypocrisy in American political discourse? Yes, the dark depressing spectrum of political violence returned once again to America last weekend with an assassination attempt on Donald Trump which the former president thankfully survived, although one person was killed and several injured. Trump who is famously, simultaneously the most and least American person in the history of the USA claimed that the will of God had saved him. Others claimed that was the will of physics. But if Trump is right, it does raise some awkward questions for

God about why, for example, he chose not to save Spencer Percival, the only British Prime Minister to be assassinated back in 1812. What's your beef with Percival, God? 1812. What's your beef with Percival, God? Also in American politics, Trump has announced JD Vance as his vice presidential nominee. Now, England might have narrowly missed out on winning the Euros. Sorry if any of you are still trying to avoid the result. And with Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland slightly less narrowly missing out as well. But according to JD Vance, the UK has won another accolade. It is the first what to have what. It's the first Islamist state to have nukes,

was what he said. That is what he said. He actually said that out loud. Extraordinarily. It's like the people who say, oh, it's London-istan now, isn't it? And it's like the people who say oh it's London-istan now innit and it's like I live in London. You know people going oh yes you know every mosque is built on an old music hall where they used to have welks and proper bin men you know. Oh god it's so depressing. I mean I've not

taken to him I'll be honest. I'm always very suspicious of men with initials as their first name. J.R. Ewing, right? Bad guy. J.K. Rowling, make up your own mind. J.R. Hartley, remember him? Phoning all the bookshops? A wee prank call? he was the worst. Let that be a warning to you, J.R. Hartley, J.D. Vance. Well, you just lose ten points for indirectly slamming W.G. Grace.

So... LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Vance is really interesting, because he liked... Well, before he was this, basically. He wrote a really interesting book, Hillbilly Elegy, I think it is, and it's all about everything that's kind of gone wrong with Rust Belt America. And he basically says in it that despite industrial decline, which does matter, the Americans

are kind of the authors of their own misfortune because they make bad decisions and they consider it more important to yell at other people about their values and actually live by them. And then there he is now, and the only thing you can conclude from everything he says at the moment is that he himself has not read it. LAUGHTER Well, he called him, he said, Trump is America's Hitler, and now he's like, oh, I meant it as a compliment, though. LAUGHTER

He said he was a cynical arsehole, or Hitler. Which, I don't... That's one thing. It's quite pro-Hitler. It's quite... At least he wasn't know, that's one thing. It's quite pro-Hitler. At least he wasn't cynical, mate. Yeah, it's strange. He's really, you know, very socially conservative. So he's like a complete abortion ban.

And as with all of those men, you go, just don't have one if you don't want one, it's fine. But, you know, really extreme on abortion. And also, he's really against divorce and I'm like have you seen who you are running with the biggest fan of divorce since Henry the eighth that's that's literally in his book right in his book it's all about the problem is that people think it's really really like people have a passionate view against divorce but in

no way affects the number of divorces they have and they think it's much more important to just be against it than to not do it yeah which is Trump all over really isn't it incidentally rust belt is what happens if you leave gray belt out in the rain right at the end of our America round the scores are now 14 points all right I'm afraid we have to skip a couple of stories. I'm afraid the wooly mamma story's gone. All right, but you know, it's not going to go out of date, is it? Right, we're going to conclude this series with a leadership round now. Firstly, Scott and Hugo, can you explain the following headline?

Labour wins general election landslide, Labour leader resigns 12 days later. What's going on in that headline? That is Vaughan Gething. Correct. He has resigned four months or two and a half Liv's Trusses. Basically dogged by allegations of corruption and stuff. I think it took donations from someone who'd been convicted of environmental offences. So it took £200,000 from basically a convicted fly-tipper. And this is the same company that took £400,000 from the Development Bank for Wales for a solar farm. Now, I've

been to Wales. That's the first red flag, isn't it? If he'd have opened up a factory making cagools and fleeces, he probably kept his job. We'll have another leadership headline. Susie and Lucy, can you explain this headline? England enjoyed joint most successful football tournament for 58 years, manager resigns immediately. What's going on there? Is that Gareth Southgate? It's very interesting watching this from a Scottish perspective because you guys go to a football tournament expecting to bring home silverware, we are just happy to be at the table. I don't think Gareth Southgate will be able to walk into an English pub for about 18 months.

We literally did not have a shot on target during the Euros. The Germans who beat us 5-1 literally looked at us and scored a goal for us. And we are currently going we should give Steve Clarke a statue. I tell you what though, he must give hope to every single man in this audience because like you remember him when he was young and he was missing the penalties and he had that sort of 90s curtain of hair and how much hotter is he? Any man there you go you can become a middle-aged, you can have women throwing their M&F shapewear at you. Really?

Oh yeah babe. He could eat an apple through a litter box. Really? It is because I don't know, I mean my heart goes out to him because he can only do what he can he can't you know It's difficult managing a load of egos and prima donnas and getting them to deliver every week in it Andy And we will finish our leadership section with a French listening comprehension question Excusez-moi, Madame, où est la piscine? Je ne sais pas.

Mais je, le maire du Paris, je vais splocher dans cette jolie fleuve en Paris, la rivacine, où il n'y a pas de, comment vous say en anglais, dangerous levels de sewage. What's going on in that that was a rousing by the way Beautiful Before the menopause easy that's what it is a starmer in Paris Poor Susie, that's what it is. A starmer in Paris. LAUGHTER It's the mayor, to prove that French water is safe,

has gone swimming in the Seine, which I think all mayors should... Like, to become a mayor, you should have to do, like, the 12 tasks of Hercules. You should have to, you know, swim in the river, eat in every restaurant in the city and impregnate every single woman. Right. The Boris Johnson... Johnson did that? Yeah. eating every restaurant in the city and impregnate every single woman. The Boris Johnson do that?

Yeah. I think it's quite, you could start a thing though, like you said, every minister related has to do what they're doing. I want to see the Minister for Agriculture birth a car with no gloves. Ed Billiband have to climb a pylon just to feel electricity. He's been having the loveliest time with all this GB energy stuff. Just the lovely little face of Ed Miliband in front of a wind turbine and you're like, you are having the nerdiest day out ever and you love it. It makes my heart sing.

The menopause is wild, man. Ed Miliband's cute little face. If that is the menopause, I am done. LAUGHTER Well, that brings us to the end of this final news quiz of this series, and Susie and Lucy are our winners, with 16. Bad luck to Scott and Hugo. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That concludes this series of The News Quiz. I've been Andy Zoltzman. Thank you very much for listening. We'll see you in September. The material was written by Mike Sheppard, Rebecca Bain, Lizzie Mansfield and Christine Riggs. The producer was Gwyn Rhys-Davies and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4. I'm Natalie Cassidy. And I'm Joanna Payne. Now you might know me as Sonya from EastEnders. And Stacey from Gavin and Stacey. And while sometimes we are on the telly, mostly we just love watching it. So that's what we're talking about in our podcast Off the Telly. We're chatting about shows we just can't miss and the ones that aren't quite doing it for us.

That comfort telly we can't get enough of. And things we know we shouldn't watch but we just can't help ourselves. And we'll be hearing about all the telly you think we should be watching and talking about too. No judgement here. Well, a bit. Join us for Off the Telly. Listen on BBC Sounds. I'm Adam Chowdhury and today on What's in the World we're asking, how do I become an Olympian? I speak to two young athletes. They explain the sacrifices they've made to make it to the 2024 Summer Games in Paris, and what it means for them to compete on the biggest stage in sport.

What In The World is the daily podcast that helps you make sense of the world in under 15 minutes, no prior knowledge required. Find us wherever you get your BBC podcasts.