Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 20th October

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week's news. Providing the answers, hopefully, are Ian Smith, Lucy Porter, Anushka Asthana, and Simon EvansIn this episode Andy and the panel discuss the language of war, our crumbling infrastructure, and massive rats!Written by Andy ZaltzmanWith additional material byJade Gebbie, Simon Alcock and Cameron LoxdaleProducer: Sam Holmes Executive Producer: James Robinson Production Co-ordinator: Dan Marchini Sound Editor: Marc WillcoxA BBC Studios Production

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Welcome to a special edition of the News Quiz to mark the 300,000th anniversary of the birth of our species, Homo sapiens. Hello. I'm Andy Zaltzman, and yes, what a historic anniversary. Homo sapiens evolved in Africa 300,000 years ago, meaning that it was on this very day, in October 297,978 BC, that we were launched as one of the range of new species for that autumn. I mean, I thought that might get a bit of a cheer, but that reflects how brand human is having a bit of a tricky time at the moment. But what a day to be doing this show.

And who more appropriate to have on our panel this week than four fully paid-up members of the world's most famous species. Let's meet our teams. Actually, teams is a bit of a loaded word this week after Joe Biden described Hamas as the other team. Anyway, for this historic show, in another disappointingly harrowing week for humanity's remaining fans, we've named our teams after sounds that might help soothe this troubled planet

if blasted out from giant speakers floating around the world in a low orbit. It's got to be worth a go. We have team gentle tinkle of a wind chime on a crisp spring morning as the waves lap gently on a deserted beach and a freshly baked loaf of bread drifts by amidst the quiet chatter of happy puffins whilst a purring cat plays classic smooth jazz hits on a well-seasoned

harp. Versus Team Snooker. On Team Puffins we have Ian Smith and Lucy Porter. And on Team Snooker, it's Simon Evans, and from ITV News, Anushka Rastana. We will start with a special 80-year-olds making predictions round. I will pull a randomly selected octogenarian out of our special bag.

It's US President Joe Biden. And this can go to Simon and Anushka. Biden predicted that what current outsider in the betting is going to win the Middle East crisis? Is it freedom? Freedom, correct. Freedom. Yeah, freedom, which is, I think, about 33 to 1 in the betting at the moment.

That feels like a bit of a throwback to a time when Joe Biden was kind of alert and had fully functioning cognitive powers. I mean, he regularly glitches live on camera and has to be wheeled off in one of those trolleys that greengrocers use to bring apples out to the market. Do you think Freedom's got a chance, Anushka? I do think it's just the automatic US response.

Just to defend President Biden for a moment, I did re-watch his speech again today and it actually has some really poetic moments in it. I mean, he obviously lost his child and his wife many years ago and I've just jotted down a few things he said that I thought were really quite like... He talked about the black hole in your chest, the feel that you're being sucked into it,

survivor's remorse, the anger, the questions of faith in your soul. I don't always say this about Joe Biden's speeches, but I did find this one quite moving. Yeah, he said the terrorists will not win, and I think that's a good prediction. Terrorists never win, they just share defeat more widely. But, I mean, whether freedom will win, I mean, it's looking a real long shot, isn't it?

And to put this in Rugby World Cup terms, it's in the tough side of the draw, freedom. I love freedom. Are you a freedom fan, Ian? Look, the situation's so volatile at the minute, I don't want to say yes in case someone on Twitter is like, oh, you like freedom, do you? So I'm just going to stay very on the fence and say freedom has its upsides and its downsides.

Sometimes I like to just be told what to do. I'd love to just be in prison. Biden's appearances are sort of getting slower and sleepier. But I'd like to see the five minutes before he makes a public appearance, because I imagine it involves, like, smelling salts, someone slapping his cheeks, him down in a Red Bull and them showing him pictures of world leaders and him having to guess the names right.

I agree with Anushka, though, that there were some moments of humanity and hope. My favourite was Paddy Keel's, he's at the end of the Late Late Show that he does, and he obviously was kind of drawing parallels with Northern Ireland but just saying well you know we were in a place where we had no hope and we felt that we were praying for a miracle and that it has happened and there is hope that was something that I took some comfort in

and it didn't make me think maybe one day there'll be a Middle Eastern version of Derry Girls which I would love to see I guess he didn't there's no revelation to him going there, because basically world leaders are going there and saying, I'm behind Israel, which everyone knows. It's not like seeing him there doing that is going to make Hamas go, oh, man, they've got the Americans on their side.

I guess there's a show of solidarity in being there, but we all know how they feel towards the situation. I guess there's a show of solidarity in being there. But we all know how they feel towards a situation. It feels a little bit like when they make someone on the weather stand in the storm. Rather than just saying, like, it's raining outside, they're like, get in the rain, I want to see you in it. I want to see you there. And if they're 80-something, that's something.

I'm not even sure he was there. I think that they just got old footage from that Charlton Heston movie where he played Moses. I mean, I do agree with you that Joe Biden does have the experience. He is literally older than Israel. No, that is the truth. He is six years older than Israel. And it is quite impressive when you see him go there

because he's seen this kind of go round a few... Where did you see Rishi Sunak show up? And he looks like the head prefect being shown around the wrong side of the tracks. I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of Sunak show up and he looks like the head prefect being shown around the you know the wrong side of the tracks I mean I'm not the biggest fan of Sunak but I did think at least it wasn't Liz Truss she would have managed to start an entirely new war just offering everyone a bacon sandwich eating competition you know just pork markets that would be the one thing that might bring Gaza and Israel together. Another thing Biden said, with a lot of dignity, he said, do not be consumed by rage. Which is also coincidentally what comes out if you put

keep calm and carry on through Google Translate. And, I mean, that's a difficult thing to ask in that region. Because, I mean, obviously the history is very... Let me just quickly take you through the history. In the beginning was the word um how long have you got for this um Sunak did he tagged in for Biden after Biden went home and according to sources both Israeli and Palestinian leaders were touched by his visit and gave him advice on how to deal with and hopefully heal the infighting in the Conservative Party. I did go to Israel with David Cameron when he was Prime Minister at a time where John Kerry thought he was going to actually make some progress.

And I remember asking a question of Netanyahu at the time and realising from his answer how over-optimistic the entire world was. Also on that trip, we went to visit where Jesus was born and there's now a church there. And as we drove up to this church, they said, that's where Jesus was born and there's now a church there and as we drove up to this church they said that's where Jesus was born and I was like what Jesus wasn't born in a church everyone it was like David Cameron's security detail who never speak just turned around and burst out laughing at me I um I was in a BBC adaptation of Noah's Ark ages ago, playing Ham, the person.

The uncocious one. Not the by-product of having too many pigs on board. But there was a scene where we were making the Ark and we were told to just improvise. So I'm making the Ark and I'm tired and I wipe some sweat off my brow and I go, oh, Jesus Christ. And someone had to explain to me,

Jesus doesn't exist at this point. I was like, oh, I have not done the reading for this. Another question relating to this topic. What do the following all have in common? The United Nations Secretary General, Antonio Guterres, Russia, some American Congress representatives, the Quakers, Ireland, the SNP, Tywin Lannister, Warden of the West and Lord Paramount of the Westerlands,

China, Mo Salah of Liverpool, the Jewish Voice for Peace organisation, Save the Children, the pro-saving children organisation, and Ugly Betty. I've had awkward Tinder dates with all of them. You've given it away because it had both the SNP and the Jewish group who were in Congress. They're all calling for a ceasefire. Correct. Charles Dance, Game of Thrones, Tywin Lannister signed an open letter from 2,000 people in the creative industries calling for a ceasefire, criticised by some for not explicitly mentioning the terroristic actions of Hamas.

America Ferrara, the actress who played Ugly Betty in the TV series, called for a ceasefire at the Glamour Awards. And when you're at the Glamour Awards calling for a ceasefire. You know the planet has taken some wrong turns. Personally, I'm in favour of a ceasefire, ideally one that lasts for at least 6,000 years, and see how it goes. If it's not working, we can slip back to the old way of doing things. Any chance that these calls might be heeded, do you think? I can't imagine that there's anyone within that list

that is going to impact on Netanyahu's consciousness in a way that has not previously been possible, you know, by weighing up the inclinations of the Jewish people in Israel, unfortunately, no. But it's very hard to know what's going on in this war, isn't it? I think the expression, the fog of war, is well known and well established, but this time around we don't even know if it's real fog. Some of it may be artificial intelligence fog, like CGI fog, that some of it might just be Lynx Africa. You can't be sure. My asthma itself is confusing. So maybe there is some sort of resolution that could emerge. I don't know.

I mean, if you look at the views of Israeli Jews, and we had some of this this week, some polling of Israeli Jews, as Biden said, people are consumed with rage and over half of Israeli Jews want to see a full ground invasion, as we're expecting, of the Gaza Strip. But in the longer term, it is a bit more nuanced and actually there is a division in what people think should happen. And there are people in Israel who absolutely think that Israel should take military control for good of Gaza, but a majority actually think that either you remain as we are which is

obviously not very stable or that the Palestinian Authority come in um so no chance of a ceasefire I mean it's almost impossible for us to visualize you know the Gaza Strip is so tiny people keep emphasizing this but it's it's like a splinter in the paw of the lion you know it it's like the size of the Isle of Wight. At this rate, it's like he has the economic prospects of the Isle of Wight as well, but it's not like a normal war. It is almost like a medieval siege

type situation, and I just don't think any of us really have any kind of mental model that applies to it. People keep coming up with ideas like, oh, Hamas are the new Nazis, or Israel are like the colonialists. None of this stuff maps out. It's an extraordinary situation, which there's just no...

I don't think there's any comparison for around the world. So, yeah, if you do have any optimism, anyone in this room... We need to, like, milk Christopher Biggins and... Sorry. Can you just repeat those words? You need to milk... We need to milk Christopher Biggins.... Sorry. Can you just repeat those words? You need to milk... We need to milk Christopher Biggins, I'm standing by. Yeah, just for his optimism.

Oh, I see, right. Just get people who are relentlessly cheery and just drain the essence. Biggins Pollard, you know. Question for you, Ian and Lucy. Why has the BBC been criticised this week for insisting on calling a spade a large, flat-headed implement

you could theoretically use for possibly digging a hole? It's not violent enough. You've got to man up and call it a metal soil murderer. Yeah, they're not calling terrorists terrorists. They've apparently got to be very careful, so they're saying things like gunmen and murderers. People seem very emotional about it, but I think when I hear, like, gunmen,

followed by the list of atrocities they've committed, I'm pretty good at going, yeah, they sound bad. But, yeah, that's not enough. Grant Shapps said the policy was verging on disgraceful, which I think is a very odd turn of phrase to... How can you verge on a moral judgment? Sort of going, steady on, Paul, that's verging on incest, what you're doing.

But, yeah, he told the BBC to find their moral compass and the BBC asked the Conservatives if they had one that they could borrow and they were like, yeah fair point. I mean how language is used in news Anushka is quite a delicate issue isn't it? Yeah I mean let's let's be fair this is an unbelievably difficult story to report on out of all the stories I've ever covered this one is the one that's most nerve-wracking obviously mainly for those who are physically at risk on the ground, but for any of us, because you know that anything you say can actually have consequences. And, you know, every media organisation, and I'm sure this

is true of the BBC, is working really hard right now to try to strike the balance right. We at ITV News talk about a prescribed terrorist group. We that you know these are terrorists who carried out a terrorist attack but at itn which produces itv news and also channel four news and also news for channel five we're all taking a slightly different tack and so i would just say it's hard everyone's trying their best and massive credit to all the teams on the ground who are bringing us the story every day in amazing detail. And I also think there's a little bit of a narrative that's not even quite true, which is so much of the anger today

is about the idea that journalists rushed to say Israel was responsible for the hospital attack. I deliberately went back and watched the 10 o'clock news, our 10 o'clock news, which I'd obviously seen the first time round on ITV News, and then again the BBC's 10 o'clock news, which I'd obviously seen the first time round on ITV News, and then again the BBC's 10 o'clock news. And I'm not saying the BBC didn't make any mistakes, but nobody said Israel was responsible for that attack.

All of them said this is not verified, and they talked about the claims and counterclaims. And I think it's easy to just suddenly everyone decide that this is how the reporting is going without actually watching it. Yeah. Yes, if, like me, you've spent most of the last ten days or so rubbing soothing massage balms into your voodoo globe's major trouble spots, you probably have not enjoyed the news this week. You might be struggling with a repetitive denouncing injury

or be congratulating truth for escaping its traditional role as the first casualty of war, this time by scarpering well in advance and living out its days in disguise in a mountain hut somewhere in the Americas. This show is, and I'm not breaking confidence here, a BBC show, and the BBC has taken some criticism for its refusal to use certain terms for certain actions, deeds and people. Now, even if the BBC is unwilling and or unable to call a spade a spade, it can still use that spade to dig itself into a hole and then, once it's in the hole,

to keep digging with the implement that it won't name. I actually have the full official BBC editorial guidelines here, which state, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a bird of some kind subject to independent third-party verification. At other journalistic outlets and organisations, some people might think you're right and others might think you're wrong, but the BBC is different. It has a different role.

It is bound by the obligations of its charter to try to make sure that everyone thinks it's wrong all the time. Right, at the end of that round, the scores are now, let's call it, five points all. We have a special prophecies round this week. There have been a lot of prophecies flying around recently, from we're all doomed to they've got no chance in that semi-final.

But, can our panellists tell me what these prophecies from this week are foretelling? Prophecy A goes to Lucy and Ian. Here's your prophecy. The land will be overrun with giant rodents the size of cats, roaming the streets, nibbling things, bringing in their wake fear and droppings. So was that prophecy, was it A, from the Book of Revelations, foretelling the beginning of the end times,

or was it B, from a pest controller in Wales? It's B. It is B, correct. Well done. Two points. Yeah, massive rats they've got now in Wales, which I feel for them, but I live in London and we... Our rats are massive and cocky. They sort of saunter around us. They practically walk on their hind legs reading a copy of The Times.

I've seen a rat click its heels. You're never further than six feet from a rat in London, that's what they say, isn't it? Which, given the overcrowding of this city, I think, oh, God, it's luxury, six feet from anyone. I'd be delighted to be six feet from my family. I had a mouse problem in an old house and the pest controller come around and just went

yeah it's very difficult to get rid of these i'm paying you to do that suddenly start in my comedy gigs by going hello my name's ian smith cards on the table it's very difficult to make anyone laugh they're very funny the pest controllers we had a mouse problem in knoll flat and this guy came around absolutely loved killing mice like you could tell his passion he said he said i know you'll be squeamish about the first one but once you've done one it gets not easier but then the other thing he did was he put this powder down he said because we need to see where the mice are running but the powder it was um glow in the dark so you know he had like a sort of black light thing but it came up sort of fluorescent and it was like there'd been a mouse rave in our kitchen and i couldn't

kill them after that we had that it's horrible being able to trace where they went. Because as one went upstairs, and we followed that, and then I saw it's on my shoe, it goes up my leg, and I had one in my pocket. Bit of surreal improv from me there. Yes, a pest controller in Wales has warned that cat-sized rats could bring havoc to Wales with a new ban on glue traps. The oversized rodents, if left

unchecked, could easily evolve into elephant-sized, saber-toothed, laser-eyed mega-gerbils within just 100,000 years. And moreover be able to run at more than the nationally stipulated new 20 miles an hour speed limit. Prophecy 2 goes to Simon and Anushka.

And gifts shall fall from the skies, great in their plentitude, and people shall rejoice, for the heavens will have furnished unto them a new paper shredder, a children's cartoon version of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, and an electronic sock pairer. Another portentous prophecy, but was that from A, the Old Testament, or B, an Amazon press release? I mean, it's obviously from an Amazon press release. Correct. Well done. Two points.

There was no electronic sock pairers in the Old Testament. That was very much a manual job. Depends which translation you read. Yeah, I watched a video of that. It's extraordinary. And from what I can tell, the drone is the size of a manual job. Depends which translation you're reading. Yeah, I watched a video of that. It's extraordinary. And from what I can tell, the drone is the size of a large rat. No, they're really quite big.

Probably about as big as these tables. And they get loaded up by a single delivery. I mean, it's absurdly inefficient. I don't know whether it might work for delivering Kendall mint cake to somebody who's stuck on a mountain or something, but it cannot possibly overtake the current van. And also, I don't like that.

It's the only meaningful human interaction I have some days. There's a man in a brown coat asking me if I can confirm my age before he hands over the bottle of whiskey. I mean, I'm just shocked with what you just said. Are the drones as big as these tables? They are huge, yeah. They're not like tiny little park amateur drones. No, I'll just shocked with what you just said. Are the drones as big as these tables? They are huge, yeah. They're not like tiny little park amateur drones. No, I'll tell you what happens, and it is quite extraordinary.

You have to put a sort of large QR code up in the back garden and the drone flies roughly to your postcode and then starts looking. So if you can nick your neighbour's QR code, you get all of their slash. You could just take it from the front door now. Well, you can, that's true. I should say that Anushka advocating nicking stuff

from your next-door neighbour's front door, that is an ITV editorial line-up. It's only little, yeah, it's sort of, I can't remember what the thing is, about five kilograms or something is the most that they can... Well, that's what they say now. It's two and a half kilograms, but that is quite a lot. And you can get, as Andy says, all your sock pairs in that.

That's quite heavy, yeah. You need to come to my exercise class. Two and a half kilos is not that much. I'm not saying I can't bench it. Just feels like the technology will eventually evolve to the point where it can pick me up from the pub and deposit me at home. That's what I'm looking forward to.

Like a claw on your head. You're like being in a machine. I'd love that. Yes, this is Amazon trialling drone deliveries in the UK. We can all get very excited about having our next-door neighbours' new Doctor Who-branded fridge-freezer plummet out of the skies onto our lobelias. Exciting times.

To mark this exciting new development, Amazon is also offering free fridge-freezer. Plummet out of the skies onto our lobelias. Exciting times. To mark this exciting new development, Amazon is also offering free made-up stats. Do you know that 37% of all wasps are Amazon picnic drones? Other stats that have come out this week include that 64% of squirrels actually hate nuts but enjoy ritual and tradition. And that Keir Starmer failed to prosecute 100% of the Kray twins.

Right, at the end of our prophecies round, it's still all square at seven points all. Right, our final question. It's time to look at the United Kingdom now, and we're going to have another spin the wheel round. I have this special wheel of news, and all the things that could be improved in the UK at the moment are on it. I'm going to give it a spin,

and we're going to have a question about the topic that it ends on. So I'll get it going now yeah it's a big wheel don't worry it'll be done soon imagine it's like a clock face it's nearly done an hour already oh I think I saw something about why blasting sewage into rivers is now a core British value go past there nearly done nearly done I think I saw something about why blasting sewage into rivers is now a core British value. Go past there.

Nearly done. Nearly done. Noah's got a second wind. I think I'll just have to stop it and get on with the show. Your topic is British infrastructure. This goes to Simon and Anushka. Are you infrastructure fans? Love infrastructure.

Yeah, I love it. Well, I mean, you like it to work, don't you? But it's a hygiene thing, isn't it? It's not an excitement generator. I've seen your tattoos, Simon. You hear a lot about infrastructure. You hear a lot less about ultra-structure. That's where I think we should be focusing on. OK, well, here's your question on British infrastructure.

A two-year report into the UK's infrastructure has made how many key recommendations for how things could be done better? And I will accept this, to the nearest thousand. I have... Three. 3,000. No? Well, you've gone a bit high there, actually. Seven. Just seven. Seven. No, well, I mean...

Seven to the nearest thousand. Seven to Just seven? Seven. No, well, I mean, seven to the nearest thousand. That would be zero then, wouldn't it? Zero's correct. But it's rounding down from 46. It still seems like quite a lot of recommendations. That's the power of anchoring, isn't it?

You really threw me there. The idea that they could come up with 3,000 suggestions. I felt that was completely plausible. I think the government has for some time now decided to go with post-structuralism, which began as a sort of literary theory but is now being applied to bridges and roads and reservoirs and so on. Post-structuralism, which I wrote this down earlier in order to be able to get it right, it's a philosophical movement that questions the objectivity or stability of the various interpretive structures that are posited by structuralism

and considers them to be constituted by broader systems of power. So you can see if you bring that concept to bear on the collapsing bridges over motorways and the inability of the trains to function, you can really hold the ball up for quite some time until the next lot come along and kick that down the road. I do genuinely have a suspicion that the reason there is no investment in infrastructure and hasn't been for about 20 years is because nobody looks at the world anymore. They just watch their phone as they walk or take their train journeys.

And consequently, the built environment can be allowed to fall into ever more greater disrepair and nobody notices. And eventually we will all just be zoomed up to the cloud or something and they can just allow it to crumble into dust. This was a bit awkward wasn't it for the Prime Minister because it said that we really ought to be spending around 30 billion pounds a year on new infrastructure but quite a key part of Rishi Sunak's election strategy is to criticise Labour for suggesting spending £28 billion a year on new infrastructure. And actually, just to underline how much that is going to be part of their strategy, I spend a lot of time sitting in Parliament watching

ministers debate, and literally every one of them will mention the £28 billion. They clearly think it's going to be very, very powerful. I think a lot of the problem with the infrastructure now is actually traceable back to the fact the decline in smoking, the decline in pubs and the decline in the Royal Mail which means that nobody is able to work out calculations on the back of a

fag packet, a beer mat or an envelope anymore. Right, at the end of this week's news quiz, Team Puffins have 11, Team Snooker have 12. Yes! Yes! And some breaking news before we go. And, well, it's sad, this, on the 300th anniversary of our species.

Homo sapiens is to be officially renamed after complaints that scientists are no longer able to say the sapiens bit from the Latin word for wise without giggling, saying that's priceless and then shedding a silent tear. The new Latin biological name for our species will be put to a public vote, so do call in the number which you can find on the BBC website.

You can vote for the following options. Homo idioticus, Ho intransigens, homo cantankerous and homo nincompoopulous. So do submit your votes by yesterday. Thank you very much for listening to the News Quiz. Until next week, goodbye. Taking part in the News Quiz were Ian Smith, Lucy Porter, Anoushka Asthana and Simon Evans.

In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Jade Geby, Simon Alcock and Cameron Loxdale. The producer was Sam Holmes and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Thank you.