Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz - 21st October

Episode Date: November 18, 2022

Andy Zaltzman quizzes the week’s news.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello, I'm Danny Robbins, host of the spooky podcasts Uncanny and The Battersea Poltergeist. Just before you settle down for your usual podcast, maybe you're out walking or maybe you're at home, but are you alone? Are you sure? Because this is a warning. Something wicked this way comes. My brand new podcast series, The Witch Farm, mixes documentary and drama to investigate a real life paranormal

cold case. Listen out for The Witch Farm. The true story of Britain's most haunted house. Hello. I have in my hand my script for this week's news quiz. Injure the shredder.

There were some really, really nice jokes in there, like this bit, about how losing one of your three most senior cabinet colleagues inside 50 days of taking office might look unfortunate, but losing two looks like carelessness. Back in the shredder. A very amusing illustrated comic strip about Liz Truss fighting off an alien invasion with her bare hands.

And a lettuce. That lettuce was a worthy winner. Anyway, on with the news quiz. Hello, I am Andy Zaltzman, and let me first profoundly thank the soon-to-be former Prime Minister for learning from how inconvenient it was when she sacked her Chancellor on a Friday by resigning on a Thursday, before we recorded this show.

See, it is possible to learn from our mistakes. This week, using the magic of the internet, we have a global panel who we were hoping would be able to shed some light on what else is going on in the world, because we thought, you know, end of October, quiet week, party conferences finished, nothing major usually going on in the UK. Instead, they're here

to reflect on how the world is viewing Chaos UK, to help give us an outside perspective on our current political rumple-stilt skinnery. So please welcome representing France and the continent of Europe, it's Celia AB. Representing Australia and the entire

southern hemisphere, Alice Fraser. For India and the entire continent of Asia, it's Anu Valpal. And representing Scotland, the UK and the British Empire, or Gibraltar, basically, plus the rest of the known universe,

from The Times, it's Alex Massey. And our first question can go to you, Alex, on behalf of Team GB. You are a seasoned observer of the nefarious swamp that is democratic politics. For 45 points, one for each day Liz Truss lasted as Prime Minister. Your challenge is to explain this week in terms that can be understood by children as well as adult political correspondents concerned goldfish

and people who spent the last few years locked in a shed screaming, how have we come to this? Go. Well, 45 days means that she eclipses George Canning's record as the shortest serving prime minister in British political history. He served for 119 days and was only forced from office by no longer being alive. Surely that's cheating, isn't it? I think so. Whereas Truss obviously has managed to sort of blow up her own administration, digging a £60 billion pit of fiscal doom from which it proved impossible to

escape. And so you have sort of unfunded tax cuts, a mini run on the pound, guilt yield soaring, which prompted a pension fund crisis and an emergency intervention from the Bank of England. And as the waters were rising, the ship was sinking. Truss boldly suggested that this was the plan all along. On Thursday, outside Dining Street, she said, I came into office at a time of great economic instability, which is obviously true, although unaccountably, she forgot to add, and then I made it much worse. You know, as a general rule, it's normally pretty bad when the rate of inflation is higher than a prime minister's approval rating. So that's basically why on Thursday, Graham Brady, chairman of the 1922 committee,

fulfilled his ceremonial role as the herald of final tidings and went to Downing Street to tell the embattled prime minister that her time was up. And, you know, people complain that politicians never honour their promises, but I think Truss is a rare exception in as much as she actually delivered. She said she was going to move fast and break things. I think even the harshest observer would have to acknowledge that she delivered on that promise. Alice, you are on the east coast of Australia. You're basically almost as far away from Westminster as it's geographically possible to be without leaving the planet. How have you seen this chaos unfolding from the other side

of the world? I mean, it is astonishing. Liz Truss was always out of her depth, but now she was like towards the end, she looked so far out of her depth, but now she was like towards the end. She looked so far out of her depth that all the fish around her were creepy ones. You know what I mean? Like just too many teeth, a lantern over their head. If you see one that looks like Jacob Rees-Mogg, turn back. She exploded her prime ministerial zeppelin over something that we all assumed was the lowest bar she would have to clear this week, which was the fracking bill. And it was so chaotic for a while, it looked like she didn't even vote on it. And then they're all stabbing each other in the back, like the murder of Julius Caesar,

except they're all wearing Julius Caesar masks and some of them are stabbing themselves. It's me, Brute. As somebody who has to follow UK politics for professional reasons, I still find it almost entirely baffling. But the one thing that was clear is none of them can be trusted with anything. Celia is a French person living in the UK. Sum it up on behalf of the entire continent of Europe. It's like, do you remember that laser scene in Mission Impossible

where Tom Cruise enters it? But if Liz Truss had entered, slipped on a banana peel immediately, then tried to stabilise herself on a button that said, destroy the economy. I think it's such a slapstick way of doing politics. I find it so entertaining. And politics shouldn't be this entertaining because it's dangerous when it's this fun to watch.

We have a great tradition of slapstick comedy in this country and it's almost soothing to see it at the very highest level. Oh, it's... Do you know what? You can't say anything these days, but you can mess up the economy spectacularly. And trust is a terrible victim of cancel culture. Yeah. Anu, you're in India, our former imperial partner. Is that the term we're using

now? How are things looking to you? Look, India is sort of like Britain's former Tinder date. That's decided they were not going to swipe left or right. So just a couple of lessons here. I think first, no prime minister should ever take on a lettuce. They are tenacious. They are ridiculously adamant vegetables, and they outlast a lot of things. And secondly, in the global context, Andy, I don't know if this is all bad. In 1996, India had a prime minister called Atal Bihari Vajpayee, who became the prime minister of India for 16 days. He got appointed on a weekend, so 13 working days. He was an acclaimed poet, and he had written a poem thanking the Indian people for their trust and faith.

Sadly, his inauguration speech and his no-confidence ouster happened on the same day. So on his 13th day, he turned his inaugural poem into a farewell speech as someone from australia where we pretty recently went through a phase of what you might call a political sluttiness uh with our prime minister just turning them over at a rate of knots i would like to recommend that you make politics more boring because i think this is all the fault of the idea that politicians should be interesting to the media because the current pressures on ratings mean that the media is completely deranged,

paying attention only to the wildly grotesque dopamine hit levels. And that doesn't really feel compatible with, like, a tax plan. We've had missing words rounds in this quiz before, but we're going to do something slightly different this week. Sally, this question can go to you. Can you tell me, instead of the missing words, the unnecessarily included words in the following sentence uttered by Liz Truss this week?

Which words should have been missing from this? OK. I am a fighter, not a quitter. Three extra words slipped in. Which words shouldn't have been there? I mean, she should have just gone, bye-bye! I think that they should install a cat flap for prime ministers. Just to make the ins and outs a lot easier for future.

A lot of people are googling shortest British Prime Minister. And one of the things that are trending now on social media is that the shortest British Prime Minister was Spencer Percival, who was five foot four inches tall. And the relative heights of various British Prime Ministers have been trending, including the accusation that some people, like Rishi Sunak, come out much taller than they really are. And he's apparently five foot five.

In Prime Minister's Questions on Wednesday, Keir Starmer quipped about a book being written about Liz Truss's time as prime minister being out by Christmas and whether this was the release date or the title. Now... LAUGHTER Alex, at the current rate of political churn, at which this country is being tumble-dried by the Conservative Party at the moment,

is it now more likely that she will actually be back in by Christmas? LAUGHTER I mean, I think things have reached such... You can tell the sort of depth of the chaos and the unprecedented nature of the circumstances in which we find ourselves by the fact that Kirstarmer told a joke and people laughed. I mean, yes, the biography of Liz Truss,

it's actually been finished, I understand, which is a little unfortunate for the two authors. And it's titled Out of the Blue, and it has a new subtitle, and Into the Bin. Another question. This can go to Alice on behalf of the Southern Hemisphere. Numerous political leaders in this country, including Starman, Ed Davey, the leader of the Liberal Democrats,

as well as Nicola Sturgeon and Mark Drakeford, the First Minister of Scotland and Wales, and some Conservative MPs, have all said that Britain needs an immediate what? I mean, immediate reset button. I think you just need to find the button on the side and find the button on the other side and hold them down, and then we can start again with King Arthur.

I think King Arthur needs a turn. Don't you? I feel like, you know, just somebody with a sword, a medieval mythical king with no idea about running water or Twitter has to be worth a shot. Anyone else want to attempt to answer the question? What do they say Britain needs an immediate what? I know this is controversial, but I'm going to say it.

I think Britain needs a dragon. We're really going back to basics here. Big fan of medieval history. I always have been. Nothing restores the credibility of a once powerful kingdom than a fire spewing non-reptile reptile. You know, so if the pound is below the dollar, that's fine. But a British person can finally stand up and say, yeah, but have you seen our British dragon Humphrey?

He will politely set your house on fire and then apologise profusely. The correct answer is they all said that Britain needs an immediate general election. Let's do a quick vote. Let's put this to the audience. Give me a cheer if you want a general election now. And give me a cheer if you want to wait until

tomorrow. I mean, Alex, constitutionally, we keep being told there's no need to have a general election now because we don't vote for a Prime Minister in this country, which explains why party leaders never feature in election campaign literature and are barely seen

on the campaign trail. What do you think think from your perspective as a political commentator what are the arguments for not having a general election given how far we are now from the 2019 election in terms of political chaos well i mean the boring constitutional argument is that you know that new prime minister merely needs to command the confidence of the House of Commons, which admittedly is easier said than done in the present circumstances. So therefore, there's no requirement for a general election, even if you might think there could be a moral case for there being one. But of course, since it looks as though a couple of hundred Conservative MPs might lose their seats if there were a general election,

you can understand the Conservative Party's reluctance to go down the path of a general election. So all the things that make an election arguably necessary are also the reasons why it can't happen. And I guess also, to be fair, if you read the 2019 Conservative manifesto backwards, there are hidden messages within, including we will blast a never-ending milkshake of mayhem through your letterbox every morning.

I would be so much more interested in whoever the successor to the leadership of the Tory party is going to be if it weren't just an interchangeable rogues gallery of rabid neoliberarian minority elites with bizarre ideas about how great selfish individualism is for human progress and their disproportionately cliquey influence over politics. Here's a fact.

We've had now as many changes of prime minister in two months as there were between 1979 and 2007. I'm tempted to let more and more prime ministers be elected until we get to 12, because ultimately we could have a calendar for firefighters. But instead of pictures of sexy firefighters, it would be different ways that someone can set fire to the country. And it could be an advent calendar, but every door is number 10.

I think they need to persuade the Labour Party to bring back Jeremy Corbyn to make it a fair fight. Let's just look back a bit on how this all unfolded this week. Adapting the old when is a door not a door riddle, can any of you answer when is a vote on fracking not a vote on fracking? When you lose confidence halfway through. That's basically correct, yes. It was extraordinary.

It's Schrodinger's confidence vote. It was a confidence vote, then it wasn't, then it was, then it wasn't. She's made people defend fracking in some weird, like, suicide pact. And then she made them show enthusiasm for something they did not believe in, like when the singer of a band asks me

to clap for the bass solo. It was... And the idea of her halfway through deciding that it's not, but that it is, but that it's not, but that it is reminds me of those lads that say that they could have gone professional, but they injured their knee. There's a lot to learn

here about this vote from the Indian democracy. I heard that during the anti-fracking vote, there was some physical jostling, so a little bit of possible violence going on. Manhandling and even mogsplaining, people were saying. Now, my point is this. What we do if we want a vote to go a certain way

in the Indian democracy is that we lock members of parliament in a small room and we bribe them and we feed them till they vote a certain way. It's kidnap, but it's also snacks. It's a mixture of bribery, kidnap and snacks. There's a lot the British democracy can learn from the democracy they set up here, which we now want to return, just like we do with the cricket by ruining it a little bit. return. Just like we do with the cricket, by ruining it a little bit. My favourite bit was the will they won't they about the chief whip, where people weren't sure whether Wendy Morton had resigned as the chief whip or if she'd been booted out as the chief

whip or whether chief whip is something that you self-identify as or if you need to whip with the consent of the whipped. But is it possible that the Tories just feel like the role of a whip is redundant because they're all busy whipping themselves. Language does evolve and change, doesn't it? And, you know, so a technical vote on legislation about fracking mutated swiftly to mean should the Prime Minister be instantly defenestrated? And we always see the evolution of language. For example, the word conservative until not that long ago did not mean taking a sledgehammer to the family crockery and glassware cupboard before rolling around in the shattered remnants muttering, I feel so alive.

The language changes. Alex, having seen these extraordinary scenes from the vote, do you think that in the year 2022 there might be better ways of getting MPs to vote than making them physically walk into a room?

But everyone was having so much fun. You know, there's a big case, obviously, for having a more rational system of government and all of that, but that would ruin programmes like this. You know, an international panel of guests here and so on, and, you know, the sort of Trusenfreude on displays here, the great joy with which people all around the world are looking at this and so on. and the sort of Trus and Freud are on display here. The great joy with which people all around the world are looking at this and so on. I think one has to be very careful about introducing ill-thought-out reforms that might lessen

the possibility of something like this happening again in the future. Moving on to another part of the story in the build-up to Truss's resignation. Annabelle, you can take this question. Complete the following not-very-subtle dig from then Home Secretary Suella Braverman's resignation letter. Pretending we haven't made mistakes,

carrying on as if everyone can't see that we've made them, and hoping that things will magically come right is what? How did she finish that sentence? The fundamental principle on how to run a country. I mean, that's what she should have said. Any other suggestions? How I make a risotto. Something worth going to Rwanda for.

The way she finished it was, not serious politics. And so she quit, stroke, was sacked. So I think that's quacked. Is that the right term? That'll do. After a breach of the ministerial code. She was initially reported to have sent an official document from the wrong email account. And how times have changed. Previously in the Boris Johnson era,

breaching the ministerial code was somewhere between a badge of honour and an initiation ritual. Now, somehow it's become a resignation offence. between a badge of honour and an initiation ritual. Now, somehow, it's become a resignation offence. That led to a surprise return for Grant Shapps, which meant that, briefly, three of the four great officers of state were held by people with monosyllabic surnames, Truss, Hunt and Shapps,

which at least should save everyone time when reporting on the next wave of sackings and resignations. Jeremy Hunt was also back this week as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Alice, what did Jeremy Hunt say this week was eye-watering? Spraying yourself in the tear ducts with lemon juice so that you can fake human emotion, was that?

It is nice, though, that at long last, white men can aspire to hold some of the great offices of state. For too long we've been underrepresented, Alex. That was cuts, wasn't it? Cuts, yes. Eye-watering cuts would be necessary. Any other suggestions before we move on in?

Any other suggestions on how we could possibly improve the way we do our politics here in the UK? Yes, during PMQs, they should have a guillotine there, just as a reminder. Like, we're not going to use it, but just a reminder of what we used to do. I think people are thoroughly unprepared for the possibility of a normal government

that is merely incompetent within the standard parameters of uselessness. If and when we ever reach that stage, it is just going to blow everybody's mind. Yes, this is indeed the news that the Liz Trust government has melted down faster than a dead zebra's ice cream before collapsing like a prim Victorian lady

hearing Miriam Margulies talking about Jeremy Hunt on the Today programme. Within the last few weeks, we've had the shortest-serving Prime Minister of all time, two of the shortest-serving Chancellors of all time, the shortest-serving Home Secretary, since anyone can be asked to check, and the smokiest Health Secretary since the days when tobacco was considered one of your five a day. Who knows what phoenix will now rise from the smouldering political slurry pit

that has been dug for the country over the last few years by the Conservative Party. For those of you who don't remember Boris Johnson, who has been tipped as a possible candidate, and his odds to be next Prime Minister swoop downwards from about 18 to 1 to 3 to 1 in just minutes on Thursday afternoon. Which... It's not pantomime season yet. You might think that in normal circumstances,

such a candidate would not stand a Snowballs chance in hell, but normal circumstances no longer exist in this country, and a lot of people still believe in fireproof Snowballs. Anyway, at the end of that round, after Alex scored the maximum 45 points available, Alex for Team GB has 45 and the rest of the world, Aselia Anuvab and Alice, have a collective total of 3.

Alex, a chance to extend your lead now. We're going into a home or away section of the quiz now. Alex, are you going to go home or away? Home. Home. Okay, here we are.

This is on Scotland. Nicola Sturgeon said earlier this week that if Scotland becomes independent, she would do what immediately? Build a wall along the English border. It's been tried. The Scottish government, Nicola Sturgeon and the SNP, released a new economic prospectus for life after independence.

The last time they did this in 2018, unkind people, which was everyone who can count, looked at all the numbers in it and discovered that it effectively guaranteed a decade of severe tartan austerity. So this time, repeating the exercise, the SNP have found a solution to this problem, which is simply to omit all the numbers.

So there is no way of proving whether it would be a great success or a failure as they share the pound in an unofficial capacity for an unspecified period of time until such time as a number of unspecified political, economic and fiscal tests have been passed and they move to a new currency of unspecified value and stability. So, as you can see, it's a pretty comprehensive plan. Well, the correct answer was establish a currency.

Also, try to make it to the walls of Derby by nightfall, just for old time's sake. Qualify for the World Cup. Celia, home or away? Home. What isn't working in France? Nothing, it's perfect. No, loads of stuff isn't working there,

but I think that the French are better at being unhappy than the English. Like, loads of stuff are happening in France. I think that if you guys took maybe 5% of the French approach to rioting, everything would be sorted. If you were 5% less polite, everything would be sorted. Everything's going wrong in France. Everyone's rioting. Everyone's striking.

But it's not... Do you know what's weird? I almost feel like a sense of nostalgia. Like, I remember the first time that I went on the riots. I was 16. I didn't know what's weird i almost feel like a sense of nostalgia like i remember the first time that i i went on the riots i was 16 i didn't know what it was for i just wanted the day off i honestly think that if if in england you started seeing it as a a lovely day out maybe two for one on drinks everyone could wear a yorkshire pudding a beret. I think that would... LAUGHTER It just needs a bit more PR, just a bit of reshuffling. LAUGHTER

Anuvab, home or away? Well, given how much we've talked about Empire, Andy, does it make a difference? It's the same thing, isn't it? LAUGHTER The free trade agreement between India and the UK is on ice at the moment, and it was hampered by Suella Braverman before she stepped back from being Home Secretary. The free trade agreement between India and the UK is on ice at the moment, and it was hampered by Suella Braverman before she stepped back from being Home Secretary,

making some comments that have riled India. She said the largest group of people who overstay are Indian migrants. Now, is this a valid complaint from Britain, or do we have to wait until these people have overstayed for, let's say, based on what happened the other way, 300 odd years? Well, you know, Indians never overstay their visas, Andy. They never do. Don't tell anyone that I'm currently in Walthamstow Central. Yeah, look, the basis of this trade deal is very simple. The British want to sell lots of whiskey to India. They want a tariff-free whiskey deal. Scotch whiskey, single-ball whiskey, biggest market is India.

And I'll tell you, Andy, the only thing scarier than 1.3 billion people are 1.3 billion drunk people. Alice, moving on to the southern hemisphere, of which you are the representative, home or away? Home, but my home, not your home. Which unprecedented, once-in-a-millennium thing is happening for the third time in the past two years on Australia's east coast?

Massive flooding, Andy. But, I mean, the biggest news in weather at the moment isn't the floods or the other floods or the terrible floods or the damage from the floods. It's the surprise announcement that's come out that the Bureau of Meteorology here launched a secret $220,000 rebrand that changed the logo to a worse logo and demanded that the media refer to them as the Bureau.

Which makes them sound like a sinister secret society that controls the weather rather than what they are, which is an incredibly boring society that reports on the weather. So has rebranding the Bureau of Meteorology made the weather better or worse? I mean, if you're going with correlation rather than causation, significantly worse. The final score, Alex Massey, representing Team GB,

has scored 102 points in the best thing that's happened to the country for some time. The rest of the world, Celia Abbey, Anuvab Pal and Alice Fraser have scored a mere 13, so what a win for GB. If you want to become a cabinet minister, do please write a manifesto using only words in this edition of the News Quiz, or just smear marmalade on a piece of toilet roll

and send it by pigeon to Downing Street. We will be back next year to see if we can keep up the remorseless one Prime Minister per series rate we've toddled along at over the past two series. At this rate, by the time we're back in the new year, hang on, I'll just get my crystal ball out, the Prime Minister will be one or more

of Clement Attlee, Olympic hurdles champion Sally Gunn, Lord Vladimir Zelensky. The national anthem will have been replaced with Marvin Gaye's What's Going On, and the reformed S Club will be officially the biggest political party in the country. Do tune in to find out if I'm right. I've been Andy Zaltzman.

Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye. Taking part in the news quiz were Anuvad Pal, Alice Fraser, Zaya Ubi and Alex Nassar. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Tasha Danraj, Aleri Morgan and Cameron Loxtale. The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production. Thank you. Stop! A new thriller from the makers of The Cipher. Everything and everyone you need in life is right here. Do you want to hear a secret? I understand there's another part of the camp.

What exactly happens there? Wait, wait, what are the rules? I don't know what game we are playing. What are you going to do? Restart. Play the game. To the end. Available now on BBC Sounds.